Nathrangking

oh hey yesterday was my sixth shardiversary

dang im old

thats weird

uh

hey you’re all pretty cool i love the time ive spent here uhh thanks for good memories and good times k ima go keep playing subnautica now

I have no intention to create a political forum here. I have a few words to say and I'll leave it at that. I got married two days ago. To the woman that I love most in the world. A woman about whom I have written many a poem. I regret nothing, but the timing. As you may or may not have heard the worst war in the history of Israel. The carnage is unspeakable and sure to get worse. I almost felt wrong getting married amidst the death and slaughter. We were I suppose a light in the darkness that has fallen as a cloak so thick as to be blinding. Remember to be the light in the dark never feel guilty for being happy because you deserve it!!!

she drives away, leaves a tear in my eyes,

and i lay in bed, knowing i can’t tell my guys.

you gave me the world, and it felt like a dream.

but dreams have to end, and now i wanna scream.

bruh my girl she make me weak bruh damn-

So.

As you may have guessed, more status updates about Jewish holidays are... unlikely to come, in the near future.

I was called to the IDF reserves for some (non-fighting) stuff, and my time and state of mind aren't really accomodating of writing about those things.

Now, I wrote those pieces mostly for my own sake and it seems like I didn't have that big a following, so I guess I'm not disappointing this many people! Still, though, to those who may have waited for it - I'm sorry.

I think I'll leave it at that - I don't really know all the details of what's going on in Israel right now besides that we're at war. If you'd like to know more - I'm kind of the wrong source, since I don't watch news.

I wish you all well, thank you for reading and have a good day.

 I started writing an SU about the holiday of Shemini Atzeret - which in Israel is also Simchat Torah, outside of Israel the first day is the former and the second is the latter. I didn't find the time for that on the holiday's eve, though, and due to current events I didn't have the peace of mind to write it now either. So, I'm sorry to all three of my loyal followers (and the people who don't always upvote, you deserve an apology too), but this is going to be delayed. Hopefully not too much.

Thank you for reading, and have a good day! Also, no, I'm not a robot. I just like to end most of my messages this way.

 I started writing an SU about the holiday of Shemini Atzeret - which in Israel is also Simchat Torah, outside of Israel the first day is the former and the second is the latter. I didn't find the time for that on the holiday's eve, though, and due to current events I didn't have the peace of mind to write it now either. So, I'm sorry to all three of my loyal followers (and the people who don't always upvote, you deserve an apology too), but this is going to be delayed. Hopefully not too much.

Thank you for reading, and have a good day! Also, no, I'm not a robot. I just like to end most of my messages this way.

So, umm... hi! Here again, with another Jewish holiday. I know, I know, it's barely a week since the last one, but I did warn you on advance this is our holiday season - by which I meant that there are four different holidays in this month. And this is the third - Tzom Gedaliah doesn't count. So, there's going to be another SU next week. After that... well... I kind of want to talk about Shabbat the week after - it truly is perfect timing for that - and then there's Rosh Hodesh, which is a few days after that. Those two occur on a regular basis (one once a week and the other once a month), though, so I guess I can delay them. If you have an opinion on the matter do leave a comment. Anyway, after those the next holiday update should be at Hanukkah.

Well. After that opening, we can start talking about Sukkot, or the leaf-hut festival! I stole this last one from a Jewish prayer book - a Mkhzor, as it's called - for Sukkot with a German translation. It's a pretty accurate one, too - but let's start from the beginning. Not going too early this time, promise!

It all goes back to the Exodus. The thing is, after the Mt. Sinai event, G-d gave the people of Israel many commandments - among them ones about three holidays, known as the Three Pilgrimage Days - three times the people of Israel are told to go to the Temple in Jerusalem, to be seen before G-d. The third of those is Sukkot. The first time it appears it's called the holiday of collecting - because you know, those three double up as agricultural festivals. But to go forward - somewhat later, we are commanded to sit in Sukkot - basically huts - for a week during this time of year, to remember how after the Exodus G-d gave us such huts to stay at.

That, of course, leads to a couple of question. What huts did G-d give us? There's a place called Sukkot which the Israelites stayed at right after the Exodus, is that it? Why at this time of year, then, instead of the time of Pesach? And, since it's Judaism, what those huts should look like?

By complete happenstance, those questions (more or less), were asked by the Tur - a Jewish rabbi from the middle ages named rabbi Yaakov Bar Asher, who wrote a halachic book for which he's known. I'm mostly saying that because I studied this part of his book lately - since the answers he gives come mostly from the Sages of the Mishnaic and Talmudic eras. Not to get into all the disagreements, the widely accepted answer for the first question is: those were the clouds G-d sent to protect the people of Israel from the sun and rain while at the desert.

This is where things can get weird, because those clouds aren't... exactly... mentioned in scripture. There's the Cloud Pillar, leading the Israelites, but it isn't said to protect the Israelites from sun or rain - it's said to protect them from arrows, if anything. So we have to go to the Midrash again, which tells us that while travelling through the desert the Israelites were surrounded by six clouds - plus one pillar in the front, making it seven. Now, I bet that's not how you pictured the Israelites travelling through the desert - unless you're a Jew, in which case you were probably fed with that from a young age. Those are 'Anenei HaCavod, lit. Clouds of Honor (more or less, Cavod is a hard word to translate). Honestly, sometimes the Midrash can seem like an endless source for Fantasy stuff. I didn't even get to the part where it defended them from enemies, did their laundry and was given to them for the sake of Aharon.

Anyway, yeah, that's it for that. The question regarding the place Sukkot doesn't have a very interesting answer as far as I know, so let's go forward to the question of time. Why now, instead of Pesach? Well, the Tur has an interesting answer for it: he says that during the spring, most people like to go out to sit in huts, so the Israelites doing that would seem as if they merely care for their comfort. That, in his opinion, is why we do it when the rain season is just about to start in Israel - because no one in their right mind would do that, so everybody knows we only do that because G-d told us.

The Gra - Rabbi Eliyahu of Vilna, who lived in Lithuania about 200 years ago (I'll get to him in my HoJ essays at some point) and died at around this time of year - has another interesting explanation to that - one that also gives us a historical event, so yay! Because otherwise, Sukkot is left as the only Jewish holiday that even the Sages of the Mishnah and Talmud didn't find a historical event for. Anyway, the Gra says that after the Golden Calf fiasco (we've just mentioned it last week, remember?), the Clouds were taken from the Israelites. Then, G-d gave Moshe the Second set of Tablets, and he returned with them... and with the commandments related to building the Tabernacle, the Mishcan. There's this whole disagreement about whether the Tabernacle commandments came before the Golden Calf or after, but that doesn't really matter now - what does is, Moshe came down from Mt. Sinai at the tenth of Tishrey. At the 11th he gave the people of Israel the commandments for the Tabernacle. During the 12th, 13th and 14th they brought in the materials, at the 15th they started building... and the Clouds returned. And that, according to the Gra, is why we celebrate Sukkot at this time if year. So it's true, there technically isn't a very impressive event that happened at Sukkot, it still has some interesting history - even without the Gra, since both Temples' Inauguration Ceremony was at around this time of year. So, I think you get that this is related.

There are many rules to how the Sukkah (singular of Sukkot) should look like; most prominently, is should be covered with leaves or wood - though not too wide wood and not tools made of wood, nor with fruits. One should be able to see the stars from it, but it should have more shade than sunlight. It shouldn't be too small or too tall (how wide it is only has a lowest limit). It should have at least three walls that should be able to withstand winds (normal winds, not storms). Beyond that it gets complex, and there isn't much need to get into that. During this week (which started yesterday, sorry for being late!), we do most everything in the Sukkah - we eat, drink and sleep in it. Technically, doing such acts outside the Sukkah is forbidden - but not as strictly as, say, eating leavened bread during Pesach. If it's not a meal, but merely a snack - one is allowed to eat it outside the Sukkah - though it's somewhat preferable not to. If you're sick, there's rain, or you're inconvenienced too much by staying in the Sukkah you don't have to be there. Women don't have to stay in the Sukkah at all. Still, outside of all those conditions, we basically live in a hut covered by leaves that's by our houses for a week.

And that's only the first of the holiday's commandments - and not everything about it. It's traditional to add ornaments to the Sukkah. My family hangs an onion with feathers from the roof - it's a rather silly wordplay on something from the daily evening prayer, not getting into it right now. It's also traditional to invite the Ushpizin (literally meaning "guests", from Aramaic), seven Biblical people, each in a different day. And I may have forgotten something.

The other commandment of the holiday comes as some sort of an aside in the Torah. Basically, we take the branches of a Palm tree, a willow and a myrtle, along with a citron fruit - it looks somewhat like a lemon, but it's a different tree - bind the branches together and shake them together with the citron. That's one of the weirder commandments, I admit it - and it's not completely clear why we're doing it. Maimonides (Rambam, a Jewish rabbi from 12th-13th century's Egypt) says in his Guide for the Perplexed (Moreh HaNevochim) that it's as thanks for the end of our stay in the desert were such plants weren't to be found - but it's kind of problematic, considering the commandment was given before the wandering through the desert ended and without the caveat of "when you come to the Promised Land". There are more symbolic explanation - a reconnection to nature, or symbolising different body parts or types of people. Maybe it's somewhat related to the agricultural aspect of the holiday - it is mentioned in that context - and that may go well with Rambam's explanation. Again, as per usual for Jewish stuff there are many laws on what type of palm, willow and myrtle it must be and what exactly they should look like, but I'm not getting into that - and those are Arba'at HaMinim - the Four Types of plants shaken. The commandment is also called "Netilat Lulav" - Shaking the Lulav - after the palm branch, which is the most prominent.

The shaking of the Lulav is done during the mourning prayer during this week - in which there are additional prayers, like the Hallel (remember it? We didn't say it during Rosh Ha'Shana or Yom Kippur, since those are days of Judgement, but we said it during Shavuot and before it - Pesach), or Mousaf - a prayer added in place of special sacrifices. The first day of the holiday was a Yom Tov, meaning most types of work were forbidden - this year it was also on Shabbat, so the regular part of allowing to prepare food wasn't present, though for those who live abroad it's present today. Oh, yeah, and it's still a Yom Tov for them. The other six days are what's called Chol HaMo'ed - lit. the mundane part of the holiday, more or less - which means they're almost like regular days, but with some prohibitions on work. 

I haven't really touched everything, because I truly can't. Didn't mention the Hosha'not, or Hosha'na Rabah (which is the seventh day), or the sacrifice of water on the altar - a slightly odd ritual done in the Temple, when it existed, with very little basis in scripture. Also, this holiday is called the time of our joy - and indeed, it's a joyous holiday in its own way. Oh! And then there's the part where Ashkenazi Jews read Ecclesiastes at the Shabbat that occurs in it! And the portion of the Prophets we've just read from the end of Zacharias, where he said all the peoples of the Earth will come to celebrate this holiday! And...

Let's just say I'm not really done, fine? But at least I've talked about some of this. 

To summarise: I've talked about Sukkot, the holiday during which we live at leaf-covered huts for a week and shake a bunch of branches and a fruit. I've talked a little about why we do it and the background for the holiday, too.

Thank you for reading, and have a joyous week! Hope to see you all in Jerusalem next year (have a look at the end of Zacharias 14 if you want to get what I mean here)!

Next week: Simchat Torah and the yearly round of reading the Torah.

I keep seeing articles with some title similar to: Yes men think about the Roman Empire every day."

And as a man I can confirm it is 100% true.

I keep seeing articles with some title similar to: Yes men think about the Roman Empire every day."

And as a man I can confirm it is 100% true.

Tomorrow is Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement.

This day is considered to be the holiest day of the Jewish calendar, more or less. And quite frankly, with how I handled explaining Rosh Ha'Shana, I'm scared I might fail to explain things here.

In the Torah, this day has a rather unique set of commandments: for one, it's the only day during which the Torah commands to fast - it actually uses an interesting word for which I honestly am not sure how much I trust the translations. From it, five prohibitions are deduced: not to eat or drink, not to wash or lubricate our bodies, not to wear shoes made of leather and not to commit intercourse. You may remember those from Tish'a b'Av (the 9th of Av), of which I talked in its own time. In addition to that, it's a Yom Tov - meaning all the regular prohibitions on doing everything considered a Melacha, meaning more-or-less work, are present, too. Now, in a regular Yom Tov (unlike Shabbat), it's allowed to do things for food. Yom Kippur, naturally, is different - though heating food the same way that's allowed on Shabbat is fine, in order to feed children. So it's more like Shabbat than a regular Yom Tov. And unlike regular fast days, it starts upon sunset, not sunrise.

But that's only one part of its uniqueness; because in addition to all that, there's a special procedure including many special sacrifices, done exclusively by the Cohen Gadol, the High Priest, in the Temple - including entering the Holiest of Holies, Kodesh ha'Kodashim, multiple times. It's a whole thing, on which I'm not going to elaborate - especially since none of it is happening today, without the Temple. In essence, it's all done to atone for the sins of the people of Israel. One thing you may have heard of is the scapegoat: two goats are brought before the High Priest and he casts lots over which one is sacrificed on the altar - and the other is being sent later to a place called Azazel, in the desert. According to the Sages, the goat sent to Azazel was pushed from a cliff and did not survive it.

This entire sequence is kind of weird, and is more or less the only important action on Yom Kippur that occured outside the Temple and was carried out by someone other than the High Priest. It's probably symbolic in nature - the goat carrying all the sins of the Israelites is being torn apart at the edge of the desert. I'm not going to comment a lot on it, though - I have heard that some Christians claim that Jesus replaced this; I obviously don't believe in any such thing, and I don't think it needs much explaining why.

The work of the High Priest was a very big part of Yom Kippur. So, in its absence, what are we doing? The answer is simple. We pray.

This idea comes from a verse in Hosea (14, 2) which says "we offer our lips as sacrifices of bulls" (more or less), which is taken to mean that when unable to make sacrifices - we may repay them instead in prayers. This idea actually is a part of a couple of things in Judaism - prayers in general are understood this way: the morning and afternoon prayers in place of the Tamid offering, two lambs that were sacrificed every day in the Temple; a prayer is added during holidays (specifically ones from the Torah) and at the first day of every month in place of special additional sacrifices. And in Yom Kippur... well, if during the days of the Temple it was a day full of work and offerings in the Temple all done by the High Priest, now it's a day full of prayers for everyone. Basically: if every holiday in the Jewish calendar changes the prayers somewhat but has a separate special Thing, then prayers are Yom Kippur's Thing. 

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. That's what we do on this day, but the purpose is also important to remember. Plus, I didn't even get to the question of historical event! So, let's start from that: is there a historical event for Yom Kippur?

Well, as happened with most of the holidays so far, the Torah does not mention any such thing. Nor does the rest of the Tanakh, unless you include certain prophecies that were given this day - but they were given way later than the time the day was instituted, so I'm not talking about that. Instead, I intend to go back to the Talmudic math. 

Remember Shavuot? Remember how I told you back then the next time I post one of those SUs it'd be 40 days later, a promise I've fulfilled (more or less)? Well, the reasoning I gave back then actually extends to now, in a way. You see, after the Golden Calf fiasco, Moshe went to Mt. Sinai for forty more days of prayer, asking G-d to forgive His Chosen People. Then, after forty days, G-d relented - though somewhat reluctantly. Since the 17th of Tamuz is the day in which Moshe came down from Mt. Sinai the previous time, an additional amount of forty days brings us to the end of Av. But here's the thing: according to tradition, which is somewhat supported by scripture in Deuteronomy, Moshe went up to the mountain for forty more days on the first day of Elul - the month after Av. At the end of those forty days he went down from the mountain with the Second set of Tablets - and G-d forgave the people of Israel in a more complete way, and agreed to lead them Himself to the Promised Land. And since the lunar month is just about 30 days, these forty days end at the 10th day of Tishrey (often transliterated as Tishri, G-d knows why), which is, incidentally, Yom Kippur! So, from then on, this is a Day of Atonement for the people of Israel, during which we are purified of our sins. And the day's prayers are, quite naturally, about that. The most repeated part of the prayer is the Viduy - confession, during which we say a list of sins that we may have committed. (Adding sins you know you've committed is possible, I think - though they are most likely included under one of the categories already mentioned.) Saying it like that sounds awfully systematic, really - which I don't see as very positive - but this is how Jewish prayers go, and one can still actually confess, regret and repent while saying those prayers. I know I have.

Confession, in and of itself, is not really enough to atone for one's sins. One must regret, stop committing said sin (obviously) and repent so strongly that the Knower of Hidden Things would be able to testify on them they'll never commit this sin again - according to Rambam, AKA Maimonides. In the case of sins committed against other people, the Day of Atonement does not atone unless you apologize and your apology is accepted. The Talmud says that a person shouldn't be too hard and refuse to forgive, but this saying should not be taken to the extremity it sometimes is taken to - that if a person refused to accept an apology after three times the sin is passed to them. In addition, if a person sins with the belief that this day will atone for him - the Day of Atonement does not atone for their sins. Also, there is no indication that this day wipes out court proceedings; it's only in the Heavenly Court that it matters.

This day is also the culmination of all the days in which we said the Selichot; so naturally, there are many prayers of this sort, and the Thirteen Attributes of Mercy are said multiple times. This doubles back to the historical event - because in addition to giving the Second set of Tablets to Moshe, during those forty days G-d taught him those Attributes - and according to tradition, He taught him how to pray - by reminding G-d of His infinite mercy.

One more part of the prayer is a complete retelling of the High Priest's work during this day; plus, in addition to the four regular prayers of a Yom Tov, this day has a fifth prayer called Ne'ilah - lit. Locking up. It's at the end of the day, and while the gates of Heaven are said to be open for prayers for the entire day (moreso than usual) - this is the time they supposedly lock up.

I hope all that helped highlight the two seemingly contradictory sides of the day - of what a happy day it is, to be rid of our sins and atoned, and how serious and intense it can get, with all the prayers and confessions. If not, well, maybe you can reread some things with that in mind.

During this day there's a tradition to wear white. No, we do not go to kill a king - rather, to dress like his messengers do, meaning angels. During this day we are likened to them in our cleanness from sins (I think). And one more thing I wanted to mention - eating during the day before.

There is (apparently) a saying that Jewish holidays are mostly "they tried to kill us, they failed, let's eat", with fast days being "they succeeded, let's not eat". This is not true during Yom Kippur either way - but the interesting part is that the sages say: "well, the verses say that we start fasting at the evening of the 9th day. But what it actually means is: if you eat during the 9th and fast during the 10th, it's as if you've fasted both days." No, seriously. This is why, on the day before Yom Kippur, we eat a lot. Technically, this is the only day of the Jewish year during which, as inferred from the Torah by the Sages, there's an active commandment to eat. Well, that's kind of over-glorifies it, since all the Yamim Tovim and Shabbat have an obligation to eat, too, according to the Sages, but this day tends to be more pronounced.

There are still more traditions attached to this day: I mistakenly mentioned Kapparot at Rosh Ha'Shana, while they belong to the day before Yom Kippur (I think the similar root should've made that obvious), and man traditionally go to the Mikveh - which is a pool, more or less, for special religious purposes, not getting into it right now.

So, long story short: the Day of Atonement is a fast day, full of prayers asking for G-d's forgiveness. It's often considered the holiest Jewish holiday. I... umm... am not sure what should be added to this shortened version. I really hope I did justice to this day.

I didn't talk about what portions from the Torah and Prophets we read at this day, and I don't think I will - though this is an interesting topic unto itself.

Thank you for reading, and gave a good day! And, if I have offended anyone here during my time on the Shard, I'm sorry, I would like it if you PM me during the next 24 hours so I could apologize properly.

גמר חתימה טובה! (Oh, gah, I forgot explaining this part... nevermind.)

wait what

wait what

So...

Hi! 

Today I had the thought (one I've had before) that I missed the community on the Shard and finally decided to act on it. So I'm back! I don't think I'll do much for now, I'm trying to ease back into it so I don't overwhelm myself. But just opening this gives me good feelings, so I hope to do so much with all the amazing people here! 

GUYS

I JUST REALIZED I MISSED MY THIRD SHARDIVERSARY

IT WAS ON THE FOURTH OF JULY

HOW DID I MISS IT?

*sadness*

BUT no use dwelling on missed opportunities and better late than never so happy late shardiversary to myself :)))

I would tag everyone but it's 2am here currently and I should be asleep, so just know that I am forever grateful to all of you for all you've done for me and the crazy influence you've had on my life. There are a ton of things I wouldn't know, both about myself and about just the world in general, if I'd never found this place, so thanks! And of course, there are a ton of friends that I wouldn't have if it weren't for the Shard. 

Thank you all, love you all, have a good life :))

I threw myself under the bus to friendzone this kid. I don’t know what else to do, and now that I think about it it was probably a crappy way to do it. But this is so hard and awkward and idk what I’m doing and how to get myself out of this mess. Like… he’s not even happy! I’m not happy! It’s not going to work for him to keep thinking maybe he has a chance. I’m really sorry to say it, but he doesn’t. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can really appreciate him. 

will I ever find my person? Who knows. I might not even HAVE a person. I could be bi (this is something I’ve thought a lot about lately actually because I genuinely think I could be bisexual. The idea scares me a little though because it’s not so widely accepted and my parents don’t really support it and it’s all new stuff and I have no idea if I actually am just that I think I possibly could be) and maybe I’m looking for the wrong kind of person entirely. 

I feel lost. Correction: I AM lost. I am so lost. I’m also sunburnt but happily because I’m a little more tan than I was before  

anyways enjoy this:

you know, having depression is a lot more than just the stereotypes: it’s more than just the taking pills, talking to your therapist, and always feeling sad. it’s more than people giving you that look when you tell them you have depression, it’s more than people asking how they can help.

it’s all that, yeah, but it’s also just being… down. not sad, but just kinda down.

it’s waking up, blinking, and realizing today is gonna be a day that just feels down. it’s going through that day in a haze, sleeping most of it away: friends are busy, you can’t socialize, so your battery is just drained.

it’s relapsing with something you want to fix, with something you’re trying to fix. it’s not really feeling like you’re the person who’s always smiling and helping others. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to be that person. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to hold, you just want to be held. it’s not having the motivation to open up that book, pick up that pencil, put away that shirt, or really do anything.

it’s thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be a bit better if i weren’t here.

of course, the second i have those thoughts, i panic a bit inside. okay, i panic a lot. i wonder at the repercussions of that: what would happen if i did leave?

would my mother ever smile again?

would my friends ever laugh at a joke again? would my friends feel guilty?

but above all, i think of what she would feel. would she ever love again? could she? i hope she’d be able to.

after all, im just a sad boy who can’t do anything right, who despite all his attempts to fix and lift up… simply can’t. im just a sad boy who doesn’t deserve all this love from everybody.

those meds i got, they make me worried. i don’t know why i’m worried. i’m always worried. what will these meds do? will they make me happier, but less empathetic? will they change me? they told me it’s a chemical imbalance. they told me my sadness is due to a problem in my brain. but if that’s fixed, how does my brain change? i wonder a lot. i worry a lot.

it’s anxiety, and it’s depression. it compounds, like i’m a cursed Twinborn, doomed with an ability that if left unchecked, could go from Savantism… to a cemetery.

i don’t want to die. but i don’t want to be sad. it’s a fine line to walk, between avoiding those thoughts, and keeping that smile up. keeping that smile up is… so tiring.

i’m so tired. i’m just so damn tired.

and i can’t do anything. i tried to save my sister, and she still almost was lost to me. another sister is struggling now, and i worry she will go down a similar path. if she does, i will not be able to recover as well. i worry and i worry and i worry and i try to help but i storming can’t, i scudding can’t.

i can’t do anything. i can’t do anything. what can i do? my words will fade. my emotions cannot be transferred through a screen, and everyone’s too far away to hold close to me.

i can’t cry, either. i think i’ve said that. i can’t cry. i don’t know why i can’t cry. i feel all the emotions, deep deep down, but they never rise. i can shout and scream and beg them to rise and bubble and spill over so i can break for a night… but they don’t.

i don’t know when they will.

i don’t know if they will.

i’m really just ranting, you don’t have to read all of this. it’s not a suicide note, if you’ve been wondering. they’re just thoughts. i don’t like pain, i have too low a pain tolerance.

look at me. too much a pussy to even find some other avenue of escape.

in truth, i am a coward. i speak mightily with my lips, but when told to actually do something, i panic: i don’t know what to do. so i cower in a corner. i sit and wallow and feel miserable as peoples lives around me fall apart. my words fall apart, with all the skill i had in writing them.

i know there’s a God. i’ve felt His touch. but sometimes, it’s just hard to reach out. because of how damn tired i am. who could love me, with my anxiety and sadness and self-doubt? i’m self-conscious, too: i don’t like most of my body. i really just don’t. i wear long pants even though i’m in texas because i don’t like my legs. i don’t ever ever go shirtless, because i don’t like my upper body. i never wear tank tops or anything like that, i don’t like how pale my arms and shoulders are. i’m not muscular.

i’m a bit too flabby for my own liking. and oh, i’d love to fix it, i really would, but i just… can’t.

maybe things would be better if i was gone. i don’t know… i know i’ve spoken of a future, and it’s a future i so desperately want, but dammit i don’t want to burden others in that future if im just like this the whole time.

kylie, if you read this: you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. despite telling you of the things i struggle with, i’ve never shared something like this. this is from the deepest parts of my soul.

and i want you to read it. i want others that i love to read it. not my family, i don’t know what they’d do if they read this, but everybody else can read it. everyone else can know my heart.

no, i don’t like myself.

no, i don’t understand at all how someone could love me.

yes, i look at myself and wonder how in the absolute hell someone can love me.

yes, i sometimes wonder if leaving this world would be better.

yes, i care too much. i care way too much. it only leads to pain. so much pain. so, so much pain.

i am hurting. i am grieving. i am in agony.

how can one love an agonized, troubled, and undeserving being such as i? how can one look at me and say, “yes, i love this one. i really do.”

i don’t really believe you. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i want to, but i just can’t bring myself to believe. i see it, i see the love, but i just- i can’t believe it.

please, i know i want to. and i probably will. like i’ve said, you astound me, you render me speechless. but i’ve been broken a bit too many times for my taste to really believe anymore. maybe the meds will help.

or maybe i’m just in a bad state right now. my love for you is real though. don’t ever doubt that. my love for you goes beyond my love for myself. but i guess you can put that together because of what you’ve read here.

i’m not sure who this is addressed to. a bit of it goes to her, a bit to others, it’s mostly me shouting into the void, and hoping someone will reach into the void, grab me by the hand, and pull me into an embrace so warm i just… break.

i’m so… tired. i just want a break, i just want to break, i’m just so damn tired.

i’ll see you all when i’m feeling better, cause then i’ll shove this all deep down again, and it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

cause that’s what always happens.

So, well, I said 40 days and 40 days have passed! Thus, I'm obligated to make another entry in my Jewish Holidays posts - this time, though, it's the first fast day in our list. One note, though: in the chronology of the events that led to creating those fast days - the siege on Jerusalem and its destruction by invading forces twice - this is actually the second fast day, the one about breaching the walls. I'll get to it in a minute.

So, why forty days from Shavuot? You probably didn't ask yourselves. Well, I don't care, I'm going to answer it anyway! You see, right after the Mt. Sinai Event, Moshe went up to the mountain and stayed there for forty days and forty nights, learning the Torah from G-d. And during the last day... Well... Down in the camp, the Israelites made the Golden Calf. And since tradition says Shavuot was the day of the Mt. Sinai Event, it also says that tomorrow - Yud-Zain b'Tamuz, the 17th of the month of Tamuz - was the day the Calf was made. So, in a way, the other events for which we mourn during this day are said to stem from this event. I'm not sure whether I need to elaborate on what the Golden Calf was? Basically, forty days after being told not to worship false idols, the Israelites forced Aharon to take their gold and make an idol of it! Then the next day Moshe was told to get down from the mountain because his people have sinned, he prayed for G-d to forgive them, then he went down, and seeing the Israelites worship the Calf he threw the Tablets of the Covenant on the ground, destroying them. He then destroyed the Golden Calf and was basically very angry at the people of Israel - though he still kept praying for G-d not to abandon them. That's the extremely shortened version. So now, let's fast forward to why this day was made a fast day.

They year is somewhere around 70 to the yet-to-be-created Christian calendar, about 3830 to the Jewish count. Jerusalem has been under siege by the Romans for some time now, and lately some idiots inside burned the provisions. There is infighting in the city, hunger, and the state isn't good. Then the Romans, led by Titus (who would later become a Caesar) successfully breach the walls. It... Didn't make things any better. It took the Romans three weeks to completely conquer the city and burn down the Second Temple.

But wait a minute, I hear you ask, why did the Romans come over in the first place? Well, the latest Roman governors in Provincia Judea were greedy, and the Jews in the area didn't like their rule for a couple of reasons. So, some of them decided to rebel: they murdered the Roman governor and prepared for the battle with the Romans, who inevitably sent their forces to quiet down the rebellion.

Most of what known to historians about this period comes from a Jew named Flavius Josephus, who belonged to one sect of the rebels but later joined the Romans. Oh, yeah, the rebels had multiple sects, each one with a different idea about what they're trying to accomplish. To add to that, there were many sects in Jerusalem who resisted the rebellion in the first place - it was one of the more militant groups that burned the food, though. Anyway, Josephus lived and wrote in Rome, so his writings did go through some censorship, probably.

Anyway, maybe I'll go over the siege of Jerusalem in more detail for Tisha b'Av in three weeks - the fast day for the burning of the Temple. For now - more random points:

During the days of the First Temple, the Babillonians breached the walls about a week earlier - at the ninth of Tamuz (according to the Tanakh, the Hebrew Bible). We don't fast that day now, though, either because the Second Destruction was more recent and generally worse, or because we assume the people back then made a mistake counting and breaching the walls happened at the 17th back then, too. 

There are two more events said to have happened at this day: one, the Tamid (lit. Always) sacrifice, two lambs sacrificed each day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon-evening (before sunset), was stopped - either during the very same siege of Jerusalem, or during another siege, when two brothers of the Hasmonean dynasty fought one another. The other is when someone named Aposthmos burned the Torah - he probably was a Seleucid or a Roman.

So, this is a fast day. What does it mean? It means we don't eat or drink from sunrise to sunset - though there are two fast days that starts at sunset like other Jewish holidays, those also have different rules to them. There are also changes to the daily prayers, including a reading of the Torah at both the morning and afternoon prayers, reading from the Prophets (specifically, in this case, Isaiah) during the afternoon prayer and a few additions to the morning prayers called Selikhot, lit. Apologies.

During a fast day, we are supposed to reflect and repent what sins we might have committed, be they against G-d or each other. There is an idea in Judaism, that if the Temple wasn't yet rebuilt and salvation didn't come yet, it means we are just as sinful as our ancestors from the time of the Temple's destruction. The Sages say that the Second Temple was destroyed due to Jews hating each other and fighting among ourselves (which is probably also true practically, and not only in the religious sense). So, a few generations ago a Jewish Rabbi named Rav Kook said that (inaccurate translation, but as much as I can manage): "if we were destroyed, and the world destroyed with as, for unreasonable hatred - we shall rebuild, and the world with us, by unreasonable love." Honestly, I have no idea how to translate it any better.

Anyway, may the Temple be rebuilt swiftly, during our days, amen. Thank you for reading, and have a good day! To the Jews among you, fast well!

(Waiting for an inevitable message from a Jew who doesn't fast.)

For this Shardversary I wanted to do something different. So, I decided to post a status update during my Hebrew calendar Shardversary instead of the Gregorian one! I had to check it, since I didn't bother noting the day back then, but it's not that hard to keep track of. I would say, though, that it surprised me a little.

You see, this is my third year here - the amount of time @Tesh was here when I've joined, meaning she just doubled it about a month ago. Anyway, it's not hard to realize this was during the pandemic. But, unlike what you may have thought, it was after quarantine basically ended for me - a month or so after I've returned to my Yeshivah, to studying in capsules. This leads me to a short digression about my Sanderson history, which I probably mentioned in the past.

My older brother recommended Sanderson to me when I was somewhere in the middle of high school. I honestly don't remember the exact time. I can tell that I've first read Elantris a tad over four years ago, and it led to me reading both Mistborn and Stormlight (I think), but I was done with that quickly. And it actually wasn't my first Sanderson book - but I'm digressing from my digression.

Anyway, through the year between reading the entire published Cosmere and me signing up to the Shard, I had precisely one person to talk about the Cosmere to. And it became clear pretty quickly that he did not share my enthusiasm. This is nothing all that new; as a matter of fact, my family having trouble dealing with my rambles and rants was an issue for years, and I've been lamenting over the fact no one I know has read exactly the books I have for a long time. The funny part is, during quarantine my sisters bought and read the entire Mistborn trilogy... But they probably didn't have the patience to listen to me either. Now my sister made a presentation about Allomancy for a college assignment and needed my expertise, so ha to that! Anyway, to return to the topic (again), my brother suggested that if I wanted to discuss the Cosmere with people - I should just sign up to the Shard. So I've lurked around for some time, and after some time I decided I want to sign up.

I'm still not sure if it had the desired effect.

Anyway, things have changed since; I'm not sure I can say that I integrated into the community or found people who enjoy my rambles and rants (you guys do seem to enjoy at least some of them, but probably not all), but it did drag me to join Discord, and gave me the idea of my reading group, and taught me a few things about the world and people. Like how people can be kind and polite in the Internet, for example.

That's the point where I list all the people I interacted with and befriended, right? Supposedly. Well...

I can try. But honestly, after trying to write things about people... Maybe I'll try it during my Gregorian Shardversary, maybe not. I'm not sure I can do it very well right now.

Some of the people I'd have mentioned if I had the mind for it: @Knight of Iron, @Ixthos, @AonEne, @Ed Venture, @The Bald Brandon, @Amira, @Lego Mistborn, @ash's_eyes, @theTruthshaper and possibly a couple of others.

Anyway, those previous three years were fun, and I hope for more good times here!

... Even if I'm not really active except for random posts about Judaism. I'll get around to writing my next installment in the History of Judaism essays, I just need some more resources!

Thank you for reading, and have a good day.

Guess who just graduated high school :00

Yay! It's been a year since I joined the Shard!

(look @CalanoCorvus I remembered to do the thing!)  

Poem # 49

Price

Mountains heave their shoulders upward roaring in rage sending their fiery words into the heights where clouds deeper than the abyss obscure them. Rivers gouge gorges into the earth as even gods fall away at the approach of the molten ocean pulled from the burning soul of this accursed place. Vulcan lacks the power to chain fury that peels the world back so that pestilence can turn bones into nothing more than shattered fragments. Warriors are lit aflame; their armor is slag pools that bathe Ceres and bring out screams that race tirelessly across the whole of humanity’s world. Cities simply vanish into unending darkness their inhabitants consumed instantly. Nothing remains, but the blazing earth and shroud of pitch that specters pull over a universe that is only a husk. Not even the carrion survive in a world devoid even of gods whose influence while at times unfelt held together the sundered cosmos.

Beyond all of the death and above pillars of a temple of death that rises from carnage incarnate a single jewel on high glows. It rushes downward and with a single blow slashes through the haze and solemn silence. A clarinet of diamond that radiates with a blinding inner power sounds from the midst of a star given the flowing form of flesh. Eyes alight gaze about as music chases choking clouds into oblivion. Each note turns back the flow of time itself, restoring the whole of existence to what it was before if slightly more than it had been. Mortals and immortals once lost now erupt from the aether as though they had not widowed kingdoms. Crowns crumble from the heads of those who rise at the hand of a tune more divine than those who had demanded worship and offered little in return. Forests of both wood and stone teem again as the song never dies or slows. She who plays weaves art that envious primordials admire from below as they too for all time shall know the cost of rule.     

Well, today is my Shardiversary. It's hard to believe that it's been a year, but at the same time it's hard to believe it's only been a year. It's been an adventure, for sure!

Recently, I've found myself increasingly reflective as I prepare to graduate high school and depart from my home. It's a melancholy time, but it's also filled with hope. And the memories I've made on the Shard, and the friends, connections, stories, jokes, adventures...they've changed me. I'm a different person than I was before. This year has been really tough for me, but having people here to give me advice and guide me through it, and honestly just having an outlet for the pain has really made a difference in my life. This is a special community, one that I'll always remember.

I think the people here are what makes this place so unique.

@The Wandering Wizard, the wonderful Wiz! You were one of the first people to help me feel like I belonged, and you've been a true friend to me, an amazing source of laughter and fun. Thank you for everything. @Robin Sedai, your sharing of Calvin and Hobbes and other comics when I first joined is one of my favorite memories on the Shard. I admire your voice of reason whenever things get a little unhinged.

@CalanoCorvus, you always bring optimism to conversations and give great advice. You and @DoomslugLuna are adorable. @SymphonianBookworm our conversations here will always make me smile. I know you haven't been as active recently (I miss you!), but I know you're going to do great things! #Phantom #Jasnahoid 

@Telrao, come backkkkkkkk soon! I miss having someone to nerd out about jazz with. Your muffins and cats are iconic here on the shard. And your playlists are fantastic. Thank you for the wonderful art. @The Bookwyrm, your passion for space and astronomy really shines through. You're thoughtful and insightful, and our conversations keep me thinking for a long time after we're done. I'm looking forward to seeing where you'll end up!@Kajsa :), thank you for being a wonderful human being. You care about us, and you're just amazing. Your art is also out of this world! @That1Cellist, you are worth more than you could ever comprehend. You deserve the world. Thank you for sharing your love of cello with the world. @The Halcyon Girl, you are an amazing person. We miss you on the Shard. I'm so glad you commissioned that throne from me.

@InfiniteInsanity, you are kind and you have wonderful ideas to cheer people up. Your mission was such a sweet idea. When you're on sugar, now I know to runnnnn @The Aspiring Archivist, I'm glad I know you. Thank you for putting up with me and for being there for anyone who needs it. You have a nice voice, too. @Ranryu, your energy, and sense of humor make the world a better place. Best of luck to you with your piano and compositional career! @TheGreatSnail, aren't filters funny?? In all seriousness, those SU replys were fun. That was where it was at! @Wittles of Shinovar, WITTLESS Skittles, I admire the way you bring a positive attitude towards problems. It's not easy the way that life works out, but you're an amazing helping hand. @The Last Fæ, you often have something very interesting to share. I like the way that you think. @Potato's Wit, you're really funny. The things you share make me laugh a lot 

@Morningtide, you're always so nice. I still can't believe there's an Idaho Potato Museum! @S. Stormy, diggin' the new branding. I love how you're always up for shenanigans and helping everyone here have a good time. @Cinnamon, you're down-to-earth and friendly, EVEN THOUGH you live life upside-down. That makes it even more special. @Thaidakar the Ghostblood, you're funny! And you always have quality things to share. @Sequence, you're always full of good vibes. It's always so interesting when you share the coolest info on planes and the like.

@Cruciatus_heart, Elfffffff! Your interest in a certain type of brooding slightly insane sociopath is very funny to me. You have excellent taste in media. Congrats on everything you've accomplished this year! @TheAlpha929, you're very chill, and just fun to be around. @Eluvianii, you have chill pfps and you have cool answers on the forum games.

@Matrim's Dice, thank you for all your help in SE and for putting up with me that one conversion game. No thank you for betraying me, but I know that's how it goes.  and :P. for life. @The Known Novel, Thank you for the chaos. It is the way. *fist bump*. Kasimir, Archer, Aman, Stick, Illwei-- you guys are all really cool. I'm happy to have gotten to play with all of you this year.

@Channelknight Fadran, you've always been the cool, experienced, cultured guy here. Ever since I joined, I've looked up to you and your RPing and worldbuilding prowess. @dannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnex, I never know what to expect from your SUs! I always know it'll be a fun time when I open that notif up. Man, those nnnnnns really keep growing. @DramaQueen, you really are a queen of drama. I know we haven't talked much but can't we just agree that theatre kids are the coolest! @Trutharchivist, thank you for sharing your culture with the shard. It's been very eye-opening. @Nathrangking, you write beautiful poems, and you have a wonderful perspective on the world.

@Cash67 I never can remember if you're young but really wise for your age, or older but still really wise for your age. You are Perry the Platypus incarnate in the best way possible. SPEAKING OF PLATYPI, @Being of Cacophony, you are ALSO a pretty cool platypus. I like checking out TLT and seeing your chaos there. Cacophony is also a really fun word. @Edema Ruh, you'll remain an Aes Sedai in my mind for a very long time. Also, spontaneity is the best! And you're great at that. @Lotus Blossom, I'm so happy Symph got you to join the shard! You're a cool person

@The Storming Stormfather, your messages on peoples' profiles are really funny. Thanks for being the storming The Storming Stormfather. @Justice_Magician, your art is incredible! Thank you for sharing it with the shard! @HOID WANTS INSTANT NOODLES, bro we gotta make that board game happen. You had so many great ideas. @Lord Gregorio, you have cool pfps. Also, interesting thoughts to share!

@Nameless*, it's truly a shame that Nameless stole your name. Your contributions to TLT are immense, and not to be questioned. @Szeth's Facepalm, your cute froggie dudes make my day. Where they at??? @Shadowed you're always great fun and it's always so cool to find fellow musicians here. Flute rules! @solarcat can we just take a minute to appreciate how awesome your username is??

@2EmLee2, @Enter a username, @PyroPhile, you guys are all super cool. Thanks for being iconic.

It's been an amazing year. Here's to many more

Thank you everyone <3

All right, then. It has only been a week, but I did warn you! So, let's start talking about Shavuot!

First thing first: Shavuot is the only Jewish holiday that doesn't really have a date. I mean, with the way the current Hebrew calendar works it always hits the same date - 6th of Sivan - but its time isn't defined that way. To explain that, I'll have to go back to something I'm pretty sure I forgot to mention while talking about Pesach.

During the second day of Pesach, while the Temple in Jerusalem stood, the first butch of harvested barley was sacrificed - it was called the Omer sacrifice. Until it was made it was forbidden for Jews to eat from the newly harvested grains - nowadays it's forbidden for the entirety of the day. Those grains are called Chadash (lit. New), and as odd as it may sound this term is going to become relevant in the future in my blog posts, so keep it in mind if you plan on reading those when they come! Anyway, from the day of the Omer, we are required to count seven weeks - forty nine days (including that very day), and by their end, the 50th day is Shavuot. The time of counting is called Sefirat HaOmer (lit. The Counting of the Omer. Omer means a sheaf of grains, but it sounds odd if you fully translate it and for some reason the word isn't commonly used in modern Hebrew), by the way, and I might've mentioned it had I written a post about Lag BaOmer (the 33rd day of the Omer) - but I cancelled this one, so hurrah for that.

Anyway, during this 50th day another sacrifice was made from the new harvest - this time made of wheat, and one of the rare occasions when leavened bread was brought to the Temple! Though, unlike the Omer, it was eaten by priests. There's a rule against sacrificing leavened bread on the altar in the Temple, I don't really want to go over it. In addition to this bread, there was a special sacrifice of two lambs - which was different from regular holiday sacrifices due to it being eaten by priests, basically. It'll take too long to really explain all that. This sacrifice allowed to make sacrifices from the new grain (eating was allowed since the Omer, sacrificing wasn't), and was the starting shot of bringing the firsts of one's agricultural products to the Temple! Only from certain fruits which were considered ones that "the land of Israel is praised for": grapes, figs, pomegranates, olives and dates. As you may notice, most of those give fruit during the summer - mostly at the time between Shavuot and Sukkot (in about 4.5 months), with the latest being harvested at least by Chanukah (2 months after Sukkot). And that's the timeframe people were required to bring their first harvest of those fruits - it's called Bikurim (lit. Firsts, I guess. Not sure there's a good translation for that), and that isn't a term you need to remember.

And that's all the Torah - I mean the Pentateuch - tells us about this holiday. Some people nowadays remember it as "the holiday of Bikurim", but people don't really think much about the bread sacrifice. The thing is, the Pesach sacrifice gives its name to the holiday, and has an entire evening dedicated (partly) to remind us of it. This sacrifice does neither, and thus is only remembered in books. So in the end, Shavuot is almost the standard Yom Tov. It's only one day, which is forbidden to work at, though doing things required for food is allowed, to some extent. Supposedly I could just explain about that.

Fine, fine! Stop scratching your faces, all the Jews in the audience! I'll get to it!

So, in the Written Torah it is true that not much more is said about this holiday. But unlike I implied so far, it wasn't considered by the Sages of the Oral Torah to be just an agricultural holiday. Instead, they found a historical event that it represents.

Now, a small tidbit: without the Sages' teachings, one would assume only one Jewish holiday actually commemorates past events (or maybe two, or three, or... I'll get to it) - that being Pesach. All holidays that appear in the Torah are to commemorate the Exodus, but Pesach is specifically on the date it originally was and is wholly centered around it. Rosh HaShana, Yom Kippur, Sukkot and, yes, Shavuot, all go with no mention of any event occuring in their date due to which they're placed there. The later holidays - first Purim, then Chanukah - do commemorate certain events, as do the fast days. But, considering the lack of specific events connected in the text to the holidays, you'd think there's no need to connect them ourselves. And you might be right, but the Sages did it anyway. And after this long and kind of boring exposition, we'll get to the heart of the topic: the Giving of the Torah on mount Sinai.

Now, there is a basis to this connection: the Mount Sinai event (can't believe I'm calling it that, "event" is the wring word) occured somewhere during the 3rd month from the Exodus, according to scripture. When you go 50 days forward from the middle of the 1st month you inevitably end up at the beginning of the 3rd. Tradition says the Israelites camped at Mount Sinai at the first day of this month, and has a more-or-less detailed chronology of how the Event itself happened at the 50th day from Pesach. Part of the idea is that the Israelites counted the days of the Omer to the Event in preparation for it, ridding themselves from ideas and thought from the time they were slaves in Egypt. And so, the holiday of Shavuot - literally meaning weeks, so named after the seven weeks we count toward it - became a day of celebrating the Reception of the Torah.

That, then, is what actually makes this day unique: we don't have to eat unleavened bread or sit in a hut during it, but we celebrate the essential heart of our religion: the scripture. One could discuss on what exactly Moshe - and through him, all the Israelites - received at this event, but be it just the Ten Commandments or the entirety of the Torah, we celebrate it all. But what does that entail?

Well, though there are no unique commandments relating to this day, there are certain traditions: through Shavuot's night, many people remain awake and study the Torah - be it the Written, Oral, or really any kind of religious text there is (which is actually covered under one of the two, but no matter that). Some people read a certain prepared text that includes the beginning and ending of every book in the Tanakh (the Old Testament, for the Christians among you), with a few portions of some of the books that are read between the beginning and end of said book - ones that are deemed relevant for the day. It also includes the beginning and ending of every Mishnah tractate, and some more stuff I don't really remember. The people who pulled an all-nighter usually pray the morning prayer - Shacharit - at the earliest time possible, and tend to fall asleep during the parts that don't require much talking of them. Some people only study for a portion of the night and do get some sleep, though - they are necessary for certain things according to the Halachah, which is really not something you'd want me to get into, there were too many tangents here as it is. 

Another tradition is to eat dairy products. Well, not only dairy products - meat isn't forbidden during that day, though you can't eat it at the same meal with dairy products - but at least one meal will be mostly those. There are multiple rationalizations for that: one claims the Torah was compared to milk in the Song of Songs (a bit dubious in a way - why not eat mostly honey, or water, or wine? All are things the Torah was compared to). Another is far more convoluted though - it says that when the people of Israel received the Torah, there were many rules for meat they didn't really keep until then, which meant they had a lot of work to prepare for it. So in the meantime, they ate dairy products, because the rules for those are much less elaborate besides the "not with meat" part. And the fact milk from non Kosher animals is forbidden.

During the morning prayer, we read the Ten Commandments from the Torah (a portion of the Torah is always read during holidays), the beginning of Ezekiel (a portion of the Nevi'im, Prophets, is also always read in holidays), and the book of Ruth. I'm not going to go over why the beginning of Ezekiel - it's mainly because it's a huge revelation of G-d, and the Mt. Sinai Event was a huge revelation too - and Ruth is read because it occured at around this time of year, deals with someone accepting the Torah on herself, and also a connection between king David (who was the great-grandson of Ruth) and the holiday, which I honestly don't have the willpower to explain right now.

Anyway, that has been my ramble on Shavuot! Next time is going to be in forty days (give or take), regarding the fast days and the destruction of the Temple. Thank you for reading, and have a good day!

Hi guys, I'll be taking a break from here for a while. Idk when I'll come back. I know I have some messages I haven't answered and some stuff I haven't finished, and I'm super sorry about that. But I just need to take a break.

If you have anything important to tell me, you could probably send it through Elf, if she didn't mind.

I will be back eventually, I promise. Love you guys!