Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Shard of Reading he/him]

13 minutes ago, Matrim's Dice said:

@Shard of Reading, @Ghanderflaffle

Presenting:

Streets of Shame 

A Lift roasting song parody of Hall of Fame  

Originally by The Script 

I recommend that you listen to the song before and/or during your read of the roast  

Hall of Fame (link)

Actual lyrics:

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Yeah, you could be the greatest
You can be the best
You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

 

You could beat the world
You could beat the war
You could talk to God, go banging on his door

You can throw your hands up

You can beat the clock
You can move a mountain
You can break rocks
You can be a master
Don't wait for luck
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself

 

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

 

You could go the distance
You could run the mile
You could walk straight through hell with a smile

 

You could be the hero
You could get the gold
Breaking all the records that thought, never could be broke

 

Do it for your people
Do it for your pride
How you ever gonna know if you never even try?

 

Do it for your country
Do it for you name
'Cause there's gonna be a day, When your'e,

 

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

 

Be a champion, be a champion, be a champion, be a champion

 

On the walls of the hall of fame

 

Be students, be teachers
Be politicians, be preachers

 

Be believers, be leaders
Be astronauts Be champions
Be truth seekers

 

Be students, be teachers
Be politicians, be preachers (be preachers)

 

Be believers, be leaders
Be astronauts, be champions

 

Standing in the hall of fame
And the world's gonna know your name
'Cause you burn with the brightest flame
And the world's gonna know your name
And you'll be on the walls of the hall of fame

 

You could be the greatest, you can be the best
(You can be a champion)You can be the King Kong banging on your chest

You could beat the world (you can be a champion)
You could beat the war (you can be a champion)
You could talk to God, go banging on his door (you can be a champion)

 

You can throw your hands up 
You can beat the clock (you can be a champion)
You can move a mountain 
You can break rocks (you can be a champion)

 

You can be a master 
Don't wait for luck (you can be a champion)
Dedicate yourself and you can find yourself 
Standing in the hall of fame (you can be a champion)

Streets of Shams Parody:

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Yeah, you seem like the greatest 
You think you’re the best 
You think that your humor doesn’t need a rest 

You slide around the world 
Avoiding the big war 
Chasing Nin-son-God, ‘n following his course 

You think it’s justified 
To steal lighteyed slop 
“It aint hurting no one” 
-Reasoning flop 
You’re a storming pain in 
(My) Head and my heart 
Examine yourself and you will find yourself 

Sliding through the streets of shame 
You mock the Radiant name 
Giving Wyndle all the blame 
And the fandom reveres your name 
But you should hang around in the streets of shame 

I can go the distance 
I ran a long while 
I defied the Stormwall running with a smile  

I’m a story hero 
Blazing ‘cross the sand 
Up and down the mountain range and through the rocky land 

I did it for the people 
You steal for your pride 
Would you really steal, if it would claim someone’s life? 

You don’t take for the money 
Or even for your name 
Maybe there could be a day, when you're not  

Sliding through the streets of shame 
You mock the Radiant name 
Giving Wyndle all the blame 
And the fandom reveres your name 
But you should hang around in the streets of shame 

Be a Radiant, be a Radiant, You’re not Radiant, be a Radiant 

(Slidin) Up and down through the streets of shame 

Be Shallan, be Jasnah 
Be Kala-din, be Sy-l 

Be Renarin, be Pattern 
Be Navani Be Adolin 
Be Dal-i-nar 

Be Wyndle, be Gaw-x 
Be an Edgedancer, be Bridge Four (be Bridge Fo-our) 

Be Radiant, be anything 
That you’re not, You’re nothing 

Sliding through the streets of shame 
You mock the Radiant name 
Giving Wyndle all the blame 
Yet the fandom reveres your name 
But you should hang around in the streets of shame 

I’ll address the people: All Lift does is jest 
(Be a Radiant) Mocks Wyndle while he tries to bring out her best 
Named her spren the Void (Be a Radiant) 
Ruined Hauka’s job (You’re not Radiant) 
Messed with Magic Old, we learned that from a WoB (Be a Radiant) 

She's just a Reshi child (You like food too much) 
Powerful or not 
She shouldn't be allowed to (Why you like food so much) 
Run without stop 

I’m a different story (Be an Edgedancer) 
A force to trust  
Evaluate yourself and you will find yourself (You’re no Edgedancer) 
Sliding through the streets of shame  

Take that, Lift!  

I will admit that kind of hurt. But now I will make a fearsome come back!!! tomorrow.

[AonEne he/him]

I can’t stop singing this  

[Mat he/him]

10 minutes ago, AonEne said:

I can’t stop singing this  

I really like that song. It was so fun to use it for this, I enjoyed doing a parody a lot!

[Shard of Reading he/him]

So, here is my roast but a few disclaimers: Mainly this is not really intended to be a rap or even a poem. It's just what came to mind when writing these roasts. Also I guess it is ready today.

Spoiler

*Lift slides in with a pancake stuffed in her mouth*

Greetfings!

Shorry I wasf late, I almosht forgot to come.

I figured my awesomeness would win it for me,

As Fleet is obviously inferior to me.

*Lift swallows pancake*

*Windle materializes in front of Lift* *Whispers*

Mistress, sorry but two things I forgot to tell you, 

One This is a rap battle, so all your roasts must rhyme and two,

Please try to be too childish

Though that might be a bit too much to ask Mistress...h

*Wyndle moves away* *Lift now walks forward*

Ahh, why was I here?

Oh, right fleet I almost forgot about you.

It’s surprisingly easy to do, for in obscurity you have no peer.

Compared to me, you’ve done almost nothing. Now, let’s review

*Slideshow begins and Lift adopts a very scholarly look*

I’ve hugged a herald after stealing his lunch,*

I’m best friend with the emperor of the single largest nation in the world,

I’ve helped people a bunch,

And I’ve also saved thaylean city from being imperiled.

*Wyndle tries to facepalm because of that terrible rhyme*

What have you done?

I forget.

You thought from the storm you could run.

From the beginning the outcome was never in doubt.

I applaud your attempt but by the end,

your whole contribution boils down to a minor plot point.

*Wyndle cringes at that stanza*

Mistress!! Rhyme!!!!

*Lift swats him*

You could run all night

But brain cells are not your forte.

Because no one would bet on you if their mind was right.

 

Now have a good day as you contemplate my wonderful roasts!

*Lift slides out the door and steals a tray of hor’s d'oeuvres from a waiter*

 

*Out of character: This is my favorite line.

@Matrim's Dice and @Ghanderflaffle.

I had a lot of fun writing this.

Edited September 22, 2020 by Shard of Reading

[Mat he/him]

8 minutes ago, Shard of Reading said:

So, here is my roast but a few disclaimers: Mainly this is not really intended to be a rap or even a poem. It's just what came to mind when writing these roasts. Also I guess it is ready today.

  Hide contents

*Lift slides in with a pancake stuffed in her mouth*

Greetfings!

Shorry I wasf late, I almosht forgot to come.

I figured my awesomeness would win it for me,

As Fleet is obviously inferior to me.

*Lift swallows pancake*

*Windle materializes in front of Lift* *Whispers*

Mistress, sorry but two things I forgot to tell you, 

One This is a rap battle, so all your roasts must rhyme and two,

Please try to be too childish

Though that might be a bit too much to ask Mistress...h

*Wyndle moves away* *Lift now walks forward*

Ahh, why was I here?

Oh, right fleet I almost forgot about you.

It’s surprisingly easy to do, for in obscurity you have no peer.

Compared to me, you’ve done almost nothing. Now, let’s review

*Slideshow begins and Lift adopts a very scholarly look*

I’ve hugged a herald after stealing his lunch,

I’m best friend with the emperor of the single largest nation in the world,

I’ve helped people a bunch,

And I’ve also saved thaylean city from being imperiled.

*Wyndle tries to facepalm because of that terrible rhyme*

What have you done?

I forget.

You thought from the storm you could run.

From the beginning the outcome was never in doubt.

I applaud your attempt but by the end,

your whole contribution boils down to a minor plot point.

*Wyndle cringes at that stanza*

Mistress!! Rhyme!!!!

*Lift swats him*

You could run all night

But brain cells are not your forte.

Because no one would bet on you if their mind was right.

 

Now have a good day as you contemplate my wonderful roasts!

*Lift slides out the door and steals a tray of hor’s d'oeuvres from a waiter*

@Matrim's Dice and @Ghanderflaffle.

I had a lot of fun writing this.

Fleet would like to say he's hurt  Nice job!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Nicely done to both of you! Here's the poll, I’ll leave it open for 24 hours. @Matrim's Dice @Shard of Reading

@Fezzik @Personification your roasts are due tomorrow!

[Personification he/him]

Well, I can finally strike absolutely decimating a psychic octogenarian in a rap battle in the voice of a magical horse off of my bucket list.

Spoiler

Let’s get this out of the way:

I don’t have that much to say,

And I’m a busy horse, I can’t afford to do this all day.

 

We both have innate magic,

But what makes this tragic

Is that this god-horse has more value than an aging psychic.

 

Yeah, that was not quite a rhyme,

But it’s not really a crime

Against your telling not-quite facts to young Spensa all the time.

(Someone in the crowd shouts “blue-haired Oddyseus.”)

 

And also speaking of lies,

Though you plead blind from bad eyes

You’ve enough cyto-sense that it won’t stop you from baking pies.

 

Both of us were born just to lug

Leaders around with a shrug,

But while I’m galloping your Cyto couldn’t outrace a slug. (Literally)

 

I’m an unstoppable force!

A storming magical horse!

You’re just the shaky exposition: unreliable source.

 

If you’d just been more forthright

About Cytonics and sight

Maybe your son would have the knowledge not to kill his whole flight.

 

And if you thought that was mean,

This last knock’s downright obscene,

Because I have to ask what kind of sadist names their son Zeen?

EDIT: If you didn't see below, I accidentally roasted the wrong grandmother. Oops.

Edited September 23, 2020 by Personification

[Archer he/him]

All of these have been awesome so far! Good job, everybody. 

[Personification he/him]

Somehow I read Silence as Spensa and thought I was against Becca Nightshade, so now I have to rewrite everything. The correct roast will be up tomorrow.

 

Unless @Fezzik feels like switching. 

Edited September 23, 2020 by Personification

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Keep up with the voting! Right now it's a tie!

[Shard of Reading he/him]

57 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Keep up with the voting! Right now it's a tie!

You're kidding. I didn't actually expect to even come close to winning.

[Personification he/him]

I haven't read them yet or voted, so I might get to be the tiebreaker. (I have so much POWER!)

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

6 minutes ago, Personification said:

I haven't read them yet or voted, so I might get to be the tiebreaker. (I have so much POWER!)

Or we could tie it up again. I just barely voted. 

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

@Matrim's Dice, that's a great song and a brilliant parody! Super catchy, I'm going to have "Sliding through the streets of shame" stuck in my head all day.

@Shard of Reading that was a super funny roast! You got Lift's character perfectly, and the ending with a stolen platter of hors d'ouerves was classic.

[Personification he/him]

I might have to push back my rewrite to tomorrow, because the Coppermind articles on Silence and her grandmother are woefully small and I will have to reread SfSitFoH to be able to properly write this roast.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

38 minutes ago, Personification said:

I might have to push back my rewrite to tomorrow, because the Coppermind articles on Silence and her grandmother are woefully small and I will have to reread SfSitFoH to be able to properly write this roast.

I can give you and @Fezzik tomorrow, but that's as far back as I can go since there's a schedule this time. 

 

The results are in for @Matrim's Dice and @Shard of Reading. The winner is...... @Matrim's Dice! Congrats on winning the first round. Thanks for playing Shard, hope you will join us again.

[Shard of Reading he/him]

@Matrim's Dice congratulations! T'was a battle well fought. I really enjoyed your roasts.

[Fezzik]

Spoiler

Green eyes I've got
(For now, at least)
Without a thought
I'll roast you, beast
Dalinar left
Politics called
You were bereft
Alone in a stall
Abandoned by men
Not even a friend
A singular pen
'Cept Adolin
That barb cut so deep
My eyes bleed to red
Your blood calls to me
The remains of the dead
If you try to run,
Cross lines of silver
I'll have more fun
As I cause you to shiver
You are only a horse
Who can't protect men
I stay the course
And defend my grand-kin
This fiery roast
No more "come hither"
As you lie in my forest
And silently wither.

(And @Personification, either my first or second roast I insulted Lift and Wayne instead of Shai and Wayne. If I were Spensa's grandmother, I would feel totally burned.) Good luck!

[Mat he/him]

47 minutes ago, Shard of Reading said:

@Matrim's Dice congratulations! T'was a battle well fought. I really enjoyed your roasts.

Thanks! Yours was lots of fun as well. Hope to see you in another battle later!

[Shard of Reading he/him]

1 minute ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Thanks! Yours was lots of fun as well. Hope to see you in another battle later!

I plan to sign up again when this competition is over.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

You've got a couple more hours yet @Personification. If you don’t get it in tonight I will post the poll and just let people pick off the one you already wrote.

[Nathrangking he/him]

It has been a long time, but I want in on the next competition!

[Shard of Reading he/him]

@Ghanderflaffle wore purple on the day he was to kill a king... (I just saw your profile pic.)

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

2 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

It has been a long time, but I want in on the next competition!

Got it!

[Condensation she/her]

1 hour ago, Shard of Reading said:

@Ghanderflaffle wore purple on the day he was to kill a king... (I just saw your profile pic.)

No, 

Szeth-son-son-Vallano, Truthless of Shinovar, wore pink on the day he was to kill a king. Because it was Wednesday.