Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Personification he/him]

Finally, I am finished:

Spoiler

I’m sorry I messed up in my first try at the game,

I just hadn’t realized the fight would be so tame.

I’d assumed that at the very least my foe would have a name.

 

You're also not so unlike the Skyward Gran-Gran, I fear.

The both of you have granddaughters you hold very dear,

And I would guess you’ve had the same impact on the Cosmere.

 

Now I admit that I respect the founding Forescout brand,

But let’s check off the things you’ve done since settling new land:

 

You raised a granddaughter who hates you, thinks you’re the worst.

The reasons for this are so many they’ll need more than one verse:

 

When she was ten you trapped her in a circle with an angry shade.

She passed your test, but not before some lasting trauma had been made.

 

You insulted her husband even after he was slaughtered

And she thinks you cruel enough to be disgusted by her own daughter.

 

These actions and beliefs inspired so much hate for you

That when she has moral questions she asks what you wouldNOT do.

 

You think that I’m ashamed I’ve earned a chance to relax,

After a life of winning battles with the Blackthorn on my back?

 

In what way is my helping a friend worse in your eyes

Than dying to become a shade, the thing you despise?

 

My legacy is glorious: steed of kings and lords!

Your legacy is honorless: pain and tarnished wards.

 

 

 

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

3 hours ago, Condensation said:

No, 

Szeth-son-son-Vallano, Truthless of Shinovar, wore pink on the day he was to kill a king. Because it was Wednesday.

Which Mean Girls character are you most like?

[Condensation she/her]

I don't know. Which one do you think I'm like?

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Here is the poll! It's only open for 12 hours so we can still start the other one on schedule, so vote fast!

[float]

I feel it would be best for the polls to always be 24 hours

[Personification he/him]

Are we allowed to vote on our own battles?

Also, welcome to the Shaed @float. Don't eat the cookies but do visit the Cosmere Musical thread, where I've been meaning to post something new for like 2 years.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

The rest of the polls will be open for 24 hours, but I wanted to keep a schedule. I still got about the same amount of votes.

Anyways, results are in! The winner of this battle is... @Personification! Congratulations and thanks for playing @Fezzik (but you're in the next round too, so welcome back?) Now that the first round is over the winners will know their next opponent (if I don’t just tell you then you’ll figure it out really quickly anyways). So, @Personification will go against @Matrim's Dice in a a few rounds. You can write your roasts whenever, but please don’t post them here until I call for your battle.

The next duels will be @Channelknight Fadran as Pattern against @Ark1002 as Obliteration for duel one and @Fezzik, this time as Bastille, against @Gears as Moelach. Your roasts are due on Monday the 28th. Good luck!

[Fezzik]

Good game, @Personification! Well written.

[Personification he/him]

1 hour ago, Fezzik said:

Good game, @Personification! Well written.

Thanks. You too.

[Gears]

I would like to preface this by saying that I have not read Alcatraz. All information about Bastille has been gathered via the Coppermind. Bastille’s article is pretty short. Also, I’m trying a different style. No rap, just poetry. Tell me what you think.

Spoiler

Dreaming, you hope for Oculator power, no Bastille, not powerful Oculator, for hope you dream.
Sword broken, demoted, failed first assignment, first failure, demoting broken swords.
Title Knight stripped, Crystins connected, severance and rejection, fleshstone rejection and severing connected Crystins, stripping knight’s titles.
Distressed damsel, sleeping concoctions (Librarian), hero saves you, savior hero!  Concocting Librarians sleeping damsel’s distress.
I know not your story, make unintentional mistakes, from mistakes unintentional, make stories, you don’t know me. 

I don’t choose rattled deaths, spontaneous generation, helplessly existing, helplessly generating spontaneous Death Rattles, choice not mine.
Endings come, the death connecting Spiritual Realm, Spiritual connections, death comes, the end. 
Death, rattling lungs dying with words, Silent Gatherers not my fault, I’m not gathering silent words with dead lungs, rattling death.
Foresight, Odium’s power, save lives by taking, painlessly taken by living saviors, powerful Odium’s foresight.
Fear not, be joyous, future saved, futures rejoice, be not afraid.
Foreseeing Odium, power saves lives, by taken pain, taken by life saving power, Odium foresees.
Death Rattles, lungs die with words silence gathers, never my fault I don’t gather silence, wyrds with dying lungs rattling, dead.
Ends cometh, the death Connections, Spiritual Realm spiriting connections, dying comes, the end.
I can’t choose, rattling deaths spontaneously generating, helpless existence helplessly generating, spontaneity dying, rattling choices never mine.

My knowledge not yours, stories made unintentionally, mistakes from mistakes, unintentionally making stories yours, not knowing me.
Distressing damsels, Librarians concocted sleeping heroes, saved, your savior heroically concocting Librarian sleep, damsel distressing.
Titled knight, stripped Crystin, connections severed and rejected, fleshstone rejecting and severing connections, Crystins stripping knight title.
Sword breaks, demoting failure, first assigned, first failed, demoted breaking swords.
Dreams, you’re hoping for Oculator, power not, Bastille not powerful Oculator, for hope you’re dreaming.

 

[Shard of Reading he/him]

Holy cow @Gears that's insane. I can't even right a ketek that even seems coherent, let alone roast someone with them.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

@Fezzik @Ark1002 @Channelknight Fadran don’t forget to post your roasts! You have one more day.

[+Doomstick he/him]

he HATH BEEN MENTIONED

[Gears]

Battle, we fight via insults, @Fezzik face me, so I'll face Fezzik, insulting via fights, we battle

@Ark1002 battle @Channelknight Fadran, insulting ferociously, fighting endless fights, ferociously insulting Fadran, Channelknight battling Ark1002.

[Translation: Come fight, you worthless cretins.]

Edited September 28, 2020 by Gears

[Channelknight Fadran]

@Ark1002, have some death!

Spoiler

Mmmmmm, and so the roasts begin

Come on, Obliteration, let’s give this fight a spin

We all know you couldn’t even rule a city right

We’ll see if you can even win an easy fight

 

My name is Pattern, a cryptic from the ancient age

The likes of me are not to be engaged

My powers of the mind are beyond your comprehension

Your little puny mortal head is gonna need an intervention

 

Let’s take a little gander at the things that you’ve done

Maybe even consider all the fights that you have won?

Or maybe it’d be better to simply roast you where you stand

Not even your heat absorption can keep all these burns in hand

 

You think that you’re an angel, an apocalyptic denizen?

You have got to be crazy, mmm, so why don’t you take your medicine?

Your teleportive capabilities are beyond your own control

And to think that ownership of your powers was your goal

 

You don’t understand, and yet you think you do

That’s probably because there’s no one as oblivious as you

You think all humans are evil, you can see it in their eyes?

To that I can only say mmmmm… SUCH GOOD LIES

 

Fortunately for you that’s all I have today

I beseech you, though, to listen to what I say

Hopefully now you know that you should never doubt

The power of Pattern… and now, Pattern out!

 

[Mat he/him]

28 minutes ago, Channelknight Fadran said:

@Ark1002, have some death!

  Hide contents

Mmmmmm, and so the roasts begin

Come on, Obliteration, let’s give this fight a spin

We all know you couldn’t even rule a city right

We’ll see if you can even win an easy fight

 

My name is Pattern, a cryptic from the ancient age

The likes of me are not to be engaged

My powers of the mind are beyond your comprehension

Your little puny mortal head is gonna need an intervention

 

Let’s take a little gander at the things that you’ve done

Maybe even consider all the fights that you have won?

Or maybe it’d be better to simply roast you where you stand

Not even your heat absorption can keep all these burns in hand

 

You think that you’re an angel, an apocalyptic denizen?

You have got to be crazy, mmm, so why don’t you take your medicine?

Your teleportive capabilities are beyond your own control

And to think that ownership of your powers was your goal

 

You don’t understand, and yet you think you do

That’s probably because there’s no one as oblivious as you

You think all humans are evil, you can see it in their eyes?

To that I can only say mmmmm… SUCH GOOD LIES

 

Fortunately for you that’s all I have today

I beseech you, though, to listen to what I say

Hopefully now you know that you should never doubt

The power of Pattern… and now, Pattern out!

 

Even more appropriate considering your rep level  

[AonEne he/him]

On 9/24/2020 at 10:20 PM, Personification said:

Also, welcome to the Shaed @float. 

Ah yes, welcome to the shadow, the fansite for the Kingkiller Chronicle. 

[+Doomstick he/him]

welcome to the Shaod!

[AonEne he/him]

1 hour ago, Doomstick said:

welcome to the Shaod!

We’re all quarantined in Elantris, whether we have covid or not!  

Awesome roasts so far, by the way, guys! 

[Fezzik]

Spoiler

I'm Bastille, and I'm here to say
Moelach is about to be un-un-made.
I make rhymes while you just prattle
My voice is clear but yours a rattle.
I've protected the Smedry family tree
And yes I did fall asleep a day or three,
But I always fulfilled my duty.
What's yours? Don't be so snooty.
I was bodyguard to Alcatraz 23
Beating librarians until hushlands are free.
What have you done in service of Odium?
As best I can see, you're no more deadly than Ashertmarn.
You can't even get Aimian information
You deserved incarceration
More than Nergaoul ever did
And he just made people see red.
In terms of helpfulness, you've set the bar low
Sja-Anat has done more for the war,
And she wanted to turn Traitor.
So what if I'm not an Oculator,
I still helped finish my conflicts
Like they were Alcatraz 6
Stick to your Death Rattles, writing just wearies
You obviously, however I finish a series.
In a ranking of Unmade you'd be least deadly
(Compiled by) Bastille Vianitelle Dartmoor (Smedry)

 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Here is the link for the first poll. As @Ark1002 never responded or asked for extra time, @Channelknight Fadran automatically moves on to the next round. (I hate it when I have to do this, but I have to be fair)

Edited September 29, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

On 2020-09-20 at 5:06 AM, hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

If no one else joins I say let Fezzik be two people.

Hey @Toaster Retribution, there's one more spot open in the cosmere/non-cosmere roast tournament, want to sign up?

Whoops, had a month-long hiatus from sharding. I assume that the spot is taken by now? Otherwise, I'll join if you need an extra guy. 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

3 minutes ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Whoops, had a month-long hiatus from sharding. I assume that the spot is taken by now? Otherwise, I'll join if you need an extra guy. 

Since Fezzik took two places and has now roasted for both of those, it is full. I can keep you on a waiting list in case someone backs out though!

[Channelknight Fadran]

21 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Here is the link for the first poll. As @Ark1002 never responded or asked for extra time, @Channelknight Fadran automatically moves on to the next round. (I hate it when I have to do this, but I have to be fair)

Scud... I won by default. Ark, this is all your fault.

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

6 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Since Fezzik took two places and has now roasted for both of those, it is full. I can keep you on a waiting list in case someone backs out though!

Its fine! I can be on the waiting list, but I dont know how much time I have to write good roasts at the moment though :-) Mostly just wanted to see if you needed my help.