Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[Immortal Platypus]

yeah. 3rd place was pretty good, considering there were 18 teams and the next closest after us was about 40 points behind us and the most you can get in a round is 36.

[Morningtide she/her]

1 minute ago, Being of Cacophony said:

yeah. 3rd place was pretty good, considering there were 18 teams and the next closest after us was about 40 points behind us and the most you can get in a round is 36.

Oh! Yeah you did amazing then! 

[Shining Silhouette he/him]

20 hours ago, Witless of Shinovar said:

So I've been feeling kind of really depressed for a while. It kinda sucks, but it was manageable I guess. There was a lot of crazy crap going on in the last half of last year. My dad got back into his alcohol addiction, and my grandma died, so it was really hard emotionally, grades plummeted and all that jazz. It was really hard mentally, but my family got through it. My dad went to rehab, and he's better than I've seen him in years, so it should have been better now right? Unfortunately, about this time, I started to realize I'm not exactly straight, like I'd thought for most of my life. So that has been basically making me have kind of a struggle with religion. I really want to stay a part of the LDS church, but at the same time, I want to be able to accept that part of me. The stress of trying to figure it out has made it hard to sleep a lot. There's a lot of internal conflict that I've been trying to resolve. The scariest part is I've been feeling a little bit suicidal. Just a few nights ago I was legitimately contemplating actually going through with it. It terrified me. I could just really use some reassurance that people actually care that I exist.

 

*hugs*

Witless—I am so sorry to hear that you're struggling. Sometimes things are just overwhelming, and it's not your fault at all. 

The darkness can feel like it's never going to end, but you can get through this. You are going to get through this. I have been there and I can tell you, it does get better. You have so much strength and courage within you. It can be hard to believe that things can change, but you will be seriously amazed at how much things get better. Take it one day at a time. I know it can feel daunting and like it will never end, but you can get through this. You are not alone and you have people who care about you and want to help.

This is a place where you are accepted for who you are—every facet of you. We're here for you no matter what.

And I'd just like to say Bookwyrm's thoughts were really eloquently said and I agree.

Edited February 15, 2023 by Shining Silhouette

[That1Cellist he/him]

So, everyone, just generally, how depressed am I allowed to be? Because sometimes, frankly, I am quite mentally unwell. And I have some close friends that I talk to, but the thing is that I just keep being sad and I think it's getting frustrating for them to have to deal with my endless problems they don't think they can really do much to help me with, because of how constantly I repeat myself.

But more than anything, I want to be able to be ready when my friends need help themselves. Like recently my closest friend was having an especially difficult time (almost assuredly still ongoing to some degree) and I felt unprepared and powerless. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I can't help because I'm constantly on the verge of collapse myself. The result is I end up piling all of my problems on my friends in addition to their own. I know I must be tiring them. Surely I must be. And I want them to be able to lean on me if they need it. Maybe they do and I just don't notice. In that case, I must not be doing a very good job. I understand that we all have struggles and problems, but it breaks me to see people sad, especially those I care about most. Surely, if I was a good friend, I would be able to do better for them. More for them. I would be able to make their burdens easier like they do for me. But it hurts to say that too because then they might feel like they can't be sad around me because it'll make me feel bad, when that is essentially the opposite of what I want. I want to help.

[Wittles he/him]

1 minute ago, That1Cellist said:

So, everyone, just generally, how depressed am I allowed to be? Because sometimes, frankly, I am quite mentally unwell. And I have some close friends that I talk to, but the thing is that I just keep being sad and I think it's getting frustrating for them to have to deal with my endless problems they don't think they can really do much to help me with, because of how constantly I repeat myself.

But more than anything, I want to be able to be ready when my friends need help themselves. Like recently my closest friend was having an especially difficult time (almost assuredly still ongoing to some degree) and I felt unprepared and powerless. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I can't help because I'm constantly on the verge of collapse myself. The result is I end up piling all of my problems on my friends in addition to their own. I know I must be tiring them. Surely I must be. And I want them to be able to lean on me if they need it. Maybe they do and I just don't notice. In that case, I must not be doing a very good job. I understand that we all have struggles and problems, but it breaks me to see people sad, especially those I care about most. Surely, if I was a good friend, I would be able to do better for them. More for them. I would be able to make their burdens easier like they do for me. But it hurts to say that too because then they might feel like they can't be sad around me because it'll make me feel bad, when that is essentially the opposite of what I want. I want to help.

That's really hard. I can't really say a lot because, well, just scroll up a bit. Here's some hugs though. *hugs*

[Immortal Platypus]

8 minutes ago, That1Cellist said:

So, everyone, just generally, how depressed am I allowed to be? Because sometimes, frankly, I am quite mentally unwell. And I have some close friends that I talk to, but the thing is that I just keep being sad and I think it's getting frustrating for them to have to deal with my endless problems they don't think they can really do much to help me with, because of how constantly I repeat myself.

But more than anything, I want to be able to be ready when my friends need help themselves. Like recently my closest friend was having an especially difficult time (almost assuredly still ongoing to some degree) and I felt unprepared and powerless. I don't know what to do. I feel as if I can't help because I'm constantly on the verge of collapse myself. The result is I end up piling all of my problems on my friends in addition to their own. I know I must be tiring them. Surely I must be. And I want them to be able to lean on me if they need it. Maybe they do and I just don't notice. In that case, I must not be doing a very good job. I understand that we all have struggles and problems, but it breaks me to see people sad, especially those I care about most. Surely, if I was a good friend, I would be able to do better for them. More for them. I would be able to make their burdens easier like they do for me. But it hurts to say that too because then they might feel like they can't be sad around me because it'll make me feel bad, when that is essentially the opposite of what I want. I want to help.

*hugs*

Cellist, I honestly don't know exactly what to say here. So I'll do my best, but it might be better to ignore this one. I'm not very good at encouraging speeches, by this thread's standards at least. I think you're awesome! But I go through some of what you're saying. I left this thread for a while because I felt like what I was saying wasn't helping, and I didn't want to burden others. I think that even when it seems like what you're doing isn't enough, just keep trying. That's the only reason why I'm here, on this thread, trying to help.

If you want, everyone on this thread is probably super willing to help you with any problems you have. If you feel like you're overloading your friends too much, you're welcome to PM me about it, or put it on this thread. It helps me, personally, to be able to look away from my problems and focus on helping others. It's a personal thing, and I don't think it's true for a lot of people, but I will always be there for you (or anyone who needs it) if you want to lean on me. Even if it's just to listen, I'm happy to do that for you.

I guess the biggest thing that I think I want to say is just, "Trust your friends." They'll try to do what is best, and if you tell them what you told us, they will probably try to do what you want them to do. Like I lead of with, I'm not very good at advice, so feel free to completely ignore this. I won't be offended. I hope you feel loved because you're amazing!

*hugs again*

[The Aspiring Archivist any pronouns]

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance.

I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday.

So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss.

And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better.

And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work.

So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think.

And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week.

And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there.

Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this.

So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is.

This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too.

Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone.

Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

[Wittles he/him]

6 minutes ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance.

I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday.

So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss.

And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better.

And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work.

So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think.

And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week.

And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there.

Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this.

So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is.

This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too.

Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone.

Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

*hugs* I think I might, emphasis on might, understand what you're going through, it's hard. I can't really give much advice or anything, but I can say that I really hope you don't go back to that bottle, I just got to know you and it would be terrible if I wouldn't be able to continue knowing you. I guarantee there are others who would say the same thing. Also, it's okay to not know how you feel exactly. I would recommend (if you haven't already) Taking some time to really dig deep to figure out your thoughts. You're not a burden. You're...the word that means the opposite of burden, I can't think of it right now, but that's what you are. 

Anyway. That probably wasn't even that coherent, but I hope it helps at least a little bit. *hugs again*

[Shining Silhouette he/him]

8 hours ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance.

I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday.

So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss.

And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better.

And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work.

So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think.

And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week.

And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there.

Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this.

So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is.

This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too.

Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone.

Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

*Hugs*

We can all relate to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted; it's just a natural response totimes of difficulty or stress. Taking a break is a good way to give yourself a breather, which I think you need.

And about the almost-moments of self-harm you experienced, try to realize that these thoughts and impulses can be incredibly powerful and even overwhelming, but it is possible to learn how to cope with them. One thing that's been really good for me is meditation. You can just start with a single minute a day and then slowly increase it if you can. Another thing that can help in that moment is the 5-4-3-2-1 senses strategy that can really calm you down and ground you in reality.

Quote

5: Acknowledge FIVE things you see around you. It could be a pen, a spot on the ceiling, anything in your surroundings.

4: Acknowledge FOUR things you can touch around you. It could be your hair, a pillow, or the ground under your feet. 

3: Acknowledge THREE things you hear. This could be any external sound. If you can hear your belly rumbling that counts! Focus on things you can hear outside of your body.

2: Acknowledge TWO things you can smell. Maybe you are in your office and smell pencil, or maybe you are in your bedroom and smell a pillow. If you need to take a brief walk to find a scent you could smell soap in your bathroom, or nature outside.

1: Acknowledge ONE thing you can taste. What does the inside of your mouth taste like—gum, coffee, or the sandwich from lunch?

But above all, remember that it is possible to get trhough this, and that you deserve to take care of yourself. We're here for you, Archie

[solarcat she/her]

On 2/13/2023 at 9:53 PM, The Wandering Wizard said:

Not particularly because I don't have many at my school and most of mine are also mostly acquaintances

I've only found a real friend through luck and he was sitting alone, so I went and sat next to him. And we became quite fast friends. 

Your problem doesn't have to be insane to be worthy of attention and thought. I hope you can find some who can be truly great friends. *Hugs*

On 2/13/2023 at 9:46 PM, SymphonianBookworm said:

Hang around people who you genuinely like. If they’re any good, I’m sure they’ll see how great you are. Sometimes it takes time and a lot of awkwardness, but I have faith you’ll get there!

Ty :). Everyone on here is genuinely nice 

[The Aspiring Archivist any pronouns]

9 hours ago, Witless of Shinovar said:

*hugs* I think I might, emphasis on might, understand what you're going through, it's hard. I can't really give much advice or anything, but I can say that I really hope you don't go back to that bottle, I just got to know you and it would be terrible if I wouldn't be able to continue knowing you. I guarantee there are others who would say the same thing. Also, it's okay to not know how you feel exactly. I would recommend (if you haven't already) Taking some time to really dig deep to figure out your thoughts. You're not a burden. You're...the word that means the opposite of burden, I can't think of it right now, but that's what you are. 

Anyway. That probably wasn't even that coherent, but I hope it helps at least a little bit. *hugs again*

It was coherent. Unfortunately, that mess of a post was the culmination of a lot of time digging into my own feelings. And I wouldn't say I feel like a burden, except when I start going on about my problems (woops). More that sometimes it just feels easier to go the other way. But even so, thank you very much for your support.

1 hour ago, Shining Silhouette said:

*Hugs*

We can all relate to feeling overwhelmed and exhausted; it's just a natural response totimes of difficulty or stress. Taking a break is a good way to give yourself a breather, which I think you need.

And about the almost-moments of self-harm you experienced, try to realize that these thoughts and impulses can be incredibly powerful and even overwhelming, but it is possible to learn how to cope with them. One thing that's been really good for me is meditation. You can just start with a single minute a day and then slowly increase it if you can. Another thing that can help in that moment is the 5-4-3-2-1 senses strategy that can really calm you down and ground you in reality.

But above all, remember that it is possible to get trhough this, and that you deserve to take care of yourself. We're here for you, Archie

I've seen that strategy before... never really used it. It might have been helpful during the more intense moments, but it's the times of "flatness" or whatever, I guess kind of apathy, that are probably more dangerous. at those points, I'm not upset or really calm either.

I think I do deserve to take care of myself, and these issues aren't really rooted in self-worth. But the sense of worth I do have feels like it's lost meaning in those moments and now I'm just doing things because I can almost remember what it was that was fueling me before. I am less certain that other people should have to deal with me.

Again, thank you both very much for putting up with this and caring enough to take the time to read and respond.

[Robin Sedai she/her]

Damn... I really don't know what to say. I've no advice, but I really like you. You seem like a really nice, thoughtful person and I hope you can get to a point where you enjoy life again. Kindly stay away from that bottle, it would be a real shame if you were to do something stupid.

If it helps, you're not the only one here who's struggled with thoughts like this. I have a few times too, the worst was about a year ago. It really does get better.

Edited February 18, 2023 by Robin Sedai

[The Wandering Wizard he/him]

10 hours ago, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance.

I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday.

So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss.

And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better.

And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work.

So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think.

And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week.

And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there.

Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this.

So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is.

This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too.

Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone.

Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

Yeah like what Robin said it will get better, but it might get worse and then it will get better. For me it just depends on the day, sometimes I feel like no one can see me at all and generally those are worse days. And then there are days when I am surrounded by those that I know care for me and those are usually better days, but there have been some days where those were the bad days and I just couldn't care. It will be a long struggle but we are here for you and here to struggle with you. 

[S. Stormy she/her]

On 2/17/2023 at 10:45 PM, The Aspiring Archivist said:

I can already tell that this is gonna be a long post, so sorry in advance.

I couldn't tell you all how I'm feeling anymore. It's not a good feeling, but it's not sad or stressed or anxious. Well, maybe a little stressed. But it's mostly something like tired and also apathetic? And there's a main thing that I want to get to but I'll talk around it a bit first. This was a rough week. A lot of stressful stuff coming up, and trying to deal with it and not really succeeding, as per usual. So, starting with Monday.

So during the weekend I procrastinated. I have this thing where I just really want to start to work on something but I put it off and I don't know why, and that kind of forms a cycle of stress and anxiety that hasn't gone away. And so on Monday morning I hadn't finished several things that needed to be done. The night before I had just sort of given up, and now in the morning I was feeling insanely nauseated due to stress. I almost threw up once and was unable to eat all of my breakfast, which forced a confrontation with my mom. So I admitted that I was feeling stressed but not nearly all of what's been going on for months now. But overall it was a good thing to kind of release that, and I might be getting therapy soon which is a long time coming. So it seemed positive enough, even if I still felt awful and nauseated through the day until I finally worked up the courage to message my teacher about it, and she seemed pretty understanding and set up a time for us to discuss.

And so at this point it looked like things were getting better because some of the stuff that had been building up for the past weeks was unraveling a little. I wasn't feeling on top of the world, but I was feeling better.

And so Tuesday comes around, and not much changes. Then Wednesday, and I get the first bit of this weird feeling when I'm out in the cold in the middle of the school day. There's a bunch of stuff going on, and I'm just sitting in the middle of the quad, on my computer, talking to Silh about it a little. Just this funny feeling that's hard to describe. And the evening comes after that and I again really struggle to get stuff done that night and end up waking up super early to get that done but I do, at least. But it's still a bad feeling and you get the point. But it's here on Thursday morning before I've finished the work that the main thing happens. There's this bottle of allergy-type pills on my bedside table, and I'd been thinking sort of idly for the past while about what would happen if I just took a bunch. And maybe it was just wondering if it would be easier or just a weird intrusive thought, but I dumped a bunch of tablets in my hand and held them up to my mouth for a second. Then, not thinking much more than turns out I'm not doing that yet, I put them back and went back to work.

So that's the big thing. And I'm not sure if it's as bad as I'm making it sound, but that's what happened. And I don't really feel anything about it. It's not hugely concerning to me, and I don't know if I might do it again at some point or go further or never do it again. And I don't really care. I still go through the motions and try to do what I should and I have happy moments but then when I think about that moment and what might have happened every connection I have to my life and the people in it and anything of value I might hold on to loses meaning. It's really hard to describe. It is a mental space where I don't understand how my mind used to work, or if it ever was different, or if something should be changed. But it is something, I think.

And so later that day I went to the meeting with that teacher and turn's out it didn't go so well. And maybe because it's on my mind my angry and upset thoughts take a dark turn into the realm of self-harm, although there's nothing I really try to do or intend to do. And that was the most acute feeling aside from momentary joy I've had all week. It's like most of the negative feelings have been flattened somehow. And then in study hall I realized that the assignment from that morning didn't submit and I was stressed. The teacher saw that I was stressed and I told her what happened and she told me to email the teacher. But this was the teacher that I had just had that confrontation with and I wasn't able to get myself to do it. And she saw that something was wrong and offered to talk about it, and I felt like I wanted to cry but I said no and I haven't talked about it to anyone in real life. And that was the second most acute negative emotion of the week.

And a lot of the time I almost feel almost normal like my thoughts and feeling are moving at the right pace but it's always a little wrong and I'm always thinking about what happened, or what almost did. If you couldn't tell, I'm sort of trying to figure out where I really am as I go. It's a weird state of operating almost normally but the feeling of engagement and real-ness driving it all isn't quite there.

Finally today just a bit ago I was at youth group and a bunch of people asked me how I was and I said alright even though I know I'm not. The way I'm thinking and talking about this now is completely distinct from my logical understanding of how it should be but it also brings up the emotions a bit more to write all of this.

So what's the takeaway? I'm really broken somewhere, I think. Something deep down there is wrong and I'm not quite sure what but it's affecting my whole consciousness in ways I can't fully process or describe. And I got closer than ever before to the worst-case scenario, though I can't quite decide how important that is.

This whole post is a mess. I'm a mess, but I don't feel it. I'm just a flat plane of emotion and thought and I know that doesn't make sense but that's what comes to mind. And sometimes there's little spikes of good or bad or little reminders of what's behind the veil, and nothing much outwardly has changed at all except for in those moments because otherwise I'm just on autopilot but not. Wow this is going to be hard for you all to read. Probably a bunch of spelling and grammar errors in there too.

Well, closing remarks. I'm writing this because I want to be open and honest and get this out there. And maybe one of you can help me find what the source or whatever is for this, or maybe not. And I've been talking about my problems to some people for weeks now and I don't feel like I should keep doing that because they have their own stuff to deal with. So this is out for everyone, now, and I'll maybe try to slow down. I've got a break week now, so that's good and probably means I'll be less likely to approach that bottle again, or maybe it'll be the same. It's worse when I'm alone.

Sorry again. And... take care of yourselves.

I don't know what to say, other than just... you're such a good guy as far as I can tell, and you will be warm again. And you 10000% deserve help and community, even if your problems seem like they aren't as... problematic(words?) as other people's are. You deserve to have joy! 

Maybe, suggesting a random idea that I 10000% cannot guarantee would do anything, maybe read a book that you love while listening to music and maybe try to lose yourself in it, and relax and just be in that world for a little while? Maybe? Ideas?

*hugs*

I really hope that helped, and if it didn't, that's okay too.

[Guest]

Okay 

So today I expressed to my mother a desire to eat healthier and get a gym membership 

The thing is, I am already a sickly person. I was born prematured and wasnt taken care of very well while i was a child.

I'm very short and i'm physically weak. I get out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs. I get a fever nearly every week and am prone to bouts of weakness where i cant even walk 

(Kind of like Heathcliffe's son in Wuthering Heights)

And im sick of this. Im sick of feeling unhealthy, sick of looking dull and pale. Sick of being so physically weak. 

But immediately when I expressed this desire i was met with judgement. And my mother is like "why do you want to exercise? Only_ *insert offensive statement*_ people exercise"

And already she looks down upon stuff like healthy eating and exercising as frivolous because she doesnt do those things. I dont even eat much of what she cooks because its all calorie filled nightmares.

But i don't know....ive been plagued with self doubt 

She did give me the permission but she clearly doesnt think i should do it 

She is like this for everything. I need spectacles and cant read well without them but for the longest time she didnt take me to an eye doctor because she thought ive "overreacting" and she has this phobia against doctors. 

My mood has just been off kilter since then and ive not been able to concentrate and ive been doubting myself

And i dont know 

Should i go forward with my plans?

Edited February 23, 2023 by Elf

[Quivil]

2 hours ago, Elf said:

Okay 

So today I expressed to my mother a desire to eat healthier and get a gym membership 

The thing is, I am already a sickly person. I was born prematured and wasnt taken care of very well while i was a child.

I'm very short and i'm physically weak. I get out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs. I get a fever nearly every week and am prone to bouts of weakness where i cant even walk 

(Kind of like Heathcliffe's son in Wuthering Heights)

And im sick of this. Im sick of feeling unhealthy, sick of looking dull and pale. Sick of being so physically weak. 

But immediately when I expressed this desire i was met with judgement. And my mother is like "why do you want to exercise? Only_ *insert offensive statement*_ people exercise"

And already she looks down upon stuff like healthy eating and exercising as frivolous because she doesnt do those things. I dont even eat much of what she cooks because its all calorie filled nightmares.

But i don't know....ive been plagued with self doubt 

She did give me the permission but she clearly doesnt think i should do it 

She is like this for everything. I need spectacles and cant read well without them but for the longest time she didnt take me to an eye doctor because she thought ive "overreacting" and she has this phobia against doctors. 

My mood has just been off kilter since then and ive not been able to concentrate and ive been doubting myself

And i dont know 

Should i go forward with my plans?

*hugs* I think you should if you want to. If you're tired of your body not working the way you want it to, and your mother has given (grudging) permission for you to do what you want to to change it, I don't think you should stop just because she thinks you should. If she's giving you bad advice, you don't have to listen to it. It looks to me like you've put a lot of thought into this, and I don't think you should discount all of your planning just because your mother has a prejudice against it.

[Morningtide she/her]

4 hours ago, Elf said:

Okay 

So today I expressed to my mother a desire to eat healthier and get a gym membership 

The thing is, I am already a sickly person. I was born prematured and wasnt taken care of very well while i was a child.

I'm very short and i'm physically weak. I get out of breath walking up a single flight of stairs. I get a fever nearly every week and am prone to bouts of weakness where i cant even walk 

(Kind of like Heathcliffe's son in Wuthering Heights)

And im sick of this. Im sick of feeling unhealthy, sick of looking dull and pale. Sick of being so physically weak. 

But immediately when I expressed this desire i was met with judgement. And my mother is like "why do you want to exercise? Only_ *insert offensive statement*_ people exercise"

And already she looks down upon stuff like healthy eating and exercising as frivolous because she doesnt do those things. I dont even eat much of what she cooks because its all calorie filled nightmares.

But i don't know....ive been plagued with self doubt 

She did give me the permission but she clearly doesnt think i should do it 

She is like this for everything. I need spectacles and cant read well without them but for the longest time she didnt take me to an eye doctor because she thought ive "overreacting" and she has this phobia against doctors. 

My mood has just been off kilter since then and ive not been able to concentrate and ive been doubting myself

And i dont know 

Should i go forward with my plans?

I agree with what Tani said. You know what you need better than anyone else does. If you want this then go ahead! You're trying to improve yourself and that's a worthy goal. 

[Immortal Platypus]

I agree with what Tani and Morningtide said. You are working to improve yourself and no one else can make that decision for you. I admire you for that, I've never been able to get myself to do it for a long time. You're doing a good thing.

[The Bookwyrm he/him]

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

[Edema Rue she/her]

7 minutes ago, The Bookwyrm said:

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

That sucks. It really sucks. There’s no way to make it better, but *hugs*. 

[S. Stormy she/her]

2 minutes ago, The Bookwyrm said:

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

Everyone makes mistakes. I'm really sorry that that happened, but I'm sure your friend won't be angry. And if they are... well, you didn't mean to miss it, and they shouldn't be angry. And remember you're always loved!

[Immortal Platypus]

*hugs*

I'm sure you haven't let them down Bookwyrm. I hope that you find a way to make yourself feel better about it. your friend seems to think it's okay, but I hope you can feel good. You are loved!

[Telrao she/her]

1 hour ago, The Bookwyrm said:

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

*hugs* I know exactly how that feels, Bookwrym, and it's not a good feeling. I think your friend will understand. *gives consolatory muffin* It's okay to make mistakes, for we can learn from them and use them to grow into better people. We support you, friend!

[The Wandering Wizard he/him]

1 hour ago, The Bookwyrm said:

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

It's alright, the friend knows that you care and that you wouldn't have missed it if you had a choice. It'll be alright. *hugs*

[Wittles he/him]

2 hours ago, The Bookwyrm said:

I've had kind of a rough day today.

I was placed in a stressful situation because of a stupid mistake on my part. Essentially I thought something had been taken care of and it turned out that it hadn't. I had a panic attack, which was, of course, not fun. Luckily I was able to take care of what needed doing, and no harm was done on that side.

But one of my friends had an important performance today, an accumulation of a year of hard and stressful work. I was looking forward to seeing that and supporting that friend. The friend had been going through some hard things that day anyway. But because of my stupid mistake, I missed that. And I feel like I've let a friend down, even though I've been assured that it's not that big a deal.

I could just use a little support.

*hugs*