Going_North_cal

okie dokie:

home from nauvoo.

its SU time.

lets start with the obvious: i had a blast. a whole week with my beloved Luna (who somehow managed to not break up with me despite my relentless clinginess. my love, i apologize. please enjoy the peppermint taffy i purchased as an apology gift.), as well as a week in Nauvoo, Illinois. a very sacred, holy place.

the temple was visible from places all over, although not from camp itself, which was sad. but it was beautiful to see it behind the stage at the pageants. which, were incredibly well done, and i loved watching them. definitely felt the spirit.

baptisms in the temple were remarkable. i was baptized and confirmed for 5 of my ancestors, and i baptized 2 people after me for their 5 ancestors, respectively. absolutely a joy to be in the temple.

if you read my last SU, about my 6 year struggle with pornography, and my recovery and return to the light of Christ, then you should know that i also struggled with entering the temple and feeling worthy to do so. what a joy it was to enter into the most sacred of temples, without guilt. i felt and still feel truly blessed to be able to have done that.

the dance on monday went so hard. the dj was killing it. luna was kind of overwhelmed by all of it, but blessedly allowed me a slow dance, which was... easily one of my favorite slow dances with her. it wasn't Ed Sheeran (thank goodness), i got to guide her into a small kiss (its the small things for me; this required more courage from me than you think), and we danced slowly and held each other. i loved it.

camp was.... mid. showers were kinda wack, but they worked, and if you were fast it wasn't too bad, so i was able to be hygienic. the sleeping arrangements were interesting: a huge lodge with 60 other teenage dudes. absolute chaos.

food was actually pretty good: i'm gluten intolerant and lactose intolerant (but i had lactaids so dairy wasnt an issue), but i was well accounted for, and the food i was given wasn't awful. so yay!!!!

i was able to help my friend through some really tough stuff, which helped me do a few things myself. im very grateful they let me in and told me what they told me. it means so much to me.

all in all: 9/10 trip. loved it. loved loved loved it.

good evening.

if you didn’t already know, for the last few months i’ve been working on fixing a large issue with myself. a sin i’ve committed, a terrible thing i’ve done.

that thing is a 6 year struggle with pornography.

i tell you this because i told a close friend last night to help them through some tough times of their own. i told them my story so they could see the hope and joy in the love of Christ.

the last few months, i’ve felt the Spirit, the wonderful Holy Ghost, and they have been by my side through it all, helping me to feel my Heavenly Father, Heavenly Mother, and Heavenly Brothers love.

tonight was testimony night here in nauvoo. i bore my testimony, i spoke of Christs love. i spoke of the beauty in that, the hope and peace and joy and wonder in that.

my friend, the same one i mentioned earlier, who does not speak in front of people, was inspired by me to speak as well. in front of 250+ people.

and their testimony was beautiful. incredible.

everyone, i want you to know that Christ loves you, knows you, more so than anybody else. i tell you that i struggled with pornography for 6 years, not to garner pity, and not to garner words of encouragement:

but to tell you that even such a terrible, long addiction can be left behind in the dust where it belongs. to tell you that Christs love can help. no matter what you’ve done, you can move on, and better yourself through Christ.

he loves you. he loves you so, so much. he only wants you to smile, and to come back to him.

don’t ever forget that.

nauvoo update:

uh yeah it’s kinda crazy here a bit.

im sleeping in a big lodge with like 70 other guys. it’s pretty chaotic. managed to shower this morning, feeling refreshed, and i’m at church rn.

did baptisms in the nauvoo temple yesterday, had a big heart to heart with a dear friend of mine on top of some monkey bars, and toured historic nauvoo.

the trip here was fun, involving much sleeping, cuddling with luna, listening to music, and gas station stops.

twas much fun. and i’m still having fun. i tour carthage jail later today as well. will be fun.

nauvoo time tehe

so eepy

passed the 100 note milestone for the 730 notes im giving to luna when i leave on my mission.

:))))

uhhh

want to say smth

not rly sure what

um

hello

i’m uh. just chillin. got dnd 8 am on monday, then i’m probably gonna hang with Luna.

rainbows are filled with colors

but the sky just before is gray and colored

sometimes to grow means a bit of pain

but the rainbow comes only after the rain

theres beauty in every piece of life

your blue sky, the darkest of nights

i just built a raid farm in MC.

it was easy to build.

and it is profitable.

you know, having depression is a lot more than just the stereotypes: it’s more than just the taking pills, talking to your therapist, and always feeling sad. it’s more than people giving you that look when you tell them you have depression, it’s more than people asking how they can help.

it’s all that, yeah, but it’s also just being… down. not sad, but just kinda down.

it’s waking up, blinking, and realizing today is gonna be a day that just feels down. it’s going through that day in a haze, sleeping most of it away: friends are busy, you can’t socialize, so your battery is just drained.

it’s relapsing with something you want to fix, with something you’re trying to fix. it’s not really feeling like you’re the person who’s always smiling and helping others. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to be that person. it’s thinking that maybe today, you don’t want to hold, you just want to be held. it’s not having the motivation to open up that book, pick up that pencil, put away that shirt, or really do anything.

it’s thinking that maybe, just maybe, things would be a bit better if i weren’t here.

of course, the second i have those thoughts, i panic a bit inside. okay, i panic a lot. i wonder at the repercussions of that: what would happen if i did leave?

would my mother ever smile again?

would my friends ever laugh at a joke again? would my friends feel guilty?

but above all, i think of what she would feel. would she ever love again? could she? i hope she’d be able to.

after all, im just a sad boy who can’t do anything right, who despite all his attempts to fix and lift up… simply can’t. im just a sad boy who doesn’t deserve all this love from everybody.

those meds i got, they make me worried. i don’t know why i’m worried. i’m always worried. what will these meds do? will they make me happier, but less empathetic? will they change me? they told me it’s a chemical imbalance. they told me my sadness is due to a problem in my brain. but if that’s fixed, how does my brain change? i wonder a lot. i worry a lot.

it’s anxiety, and it’s depression. it compounds, like i’m a cursed Twinborn, doomed with an ability that if left unchecked, could go from Savantism… to a cemetery.

i don’t want to die. but i don’t want to be sad. it’s a fine line to walk, between avoiding those thoughts, and keeping that smile up. keeping that smile up is… so tiring.

i’m so tired. i’m just so damn tired.

and i can’t do anything. i tried to save my sister, and she still almost was lost to me. another sister is struggling now, and i worry she will go down a similar path. if she does, i will not be able to recover as well. i worry and i worry and i worry and i try to help but i storming can’t, i scudding can’t.

i can’t do anything. i can’t do anything. what can i do? my words will fade. my emotions cannot be transferred through a screen, and everyone’s too far away to hold close to me.

i can’t cry, either. i think i’ve said that. i can’t cry. i don’t know why i can’t cry. i feel all the emotions, deep deep down, but they never rise. i can shout and scream and beg them to rise and bubble and spill over so i can break for a night… but they don’t.

i don’t know when they will.

i don’t know if they will.

i’m really just ranting, you don’t have to read all of this. it’s not a suicide note, if you’ve been wondering. they’re just thoughts. i don’t like pain, i have too low a pain tolerance.

look at me. too much a pussy to even find some other avenue of escape.

in truth, i am a coward. i speak mightily with my lips, but when told to actually do something, i panic: i don’t know what to do. so i cower in a corner. i sit and wallow and feel miserable as peoples lives around me fall apart. my words fall apart, with all the skill i had in writing them.

i know there’s a God. i’ve felt His touch. but sometimes, it’s just hard to reach out. because of how damn tired i am. who could love me, with my anxiety and sadness and self-doubt? i’m self-conscious, too: i don’t like most of my body. i really just don’t. i wear long pants even though i’m in texas because i don’t like my legs. i don’t ever ever go shirtless, because i don’t like my upper body. i never wear tank tops or anything like that, i don’t like how pale my arms and shoulders are. i’m not muscular.

i’m a bit too flabby for my own liking. and oh, i’d love to fix it, i really would, but i just… can’t.

maybe things would be better if i was gone. i don’t know… i know i’ve spoken of a future, and it’s a future i so desperately want, but dammit i don’t want to burden others in that future if im just like this the whole time.

kylie, if you read this: you are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. despite telling you of the things i struggle with, i’ve never shared something like this. this is from the deepest parts of my soul.

and i want you to read it. i want others that i love to read it. not my family, i don’t know what they’d do if they read this, but everybody else can read it. everyone else can know my heart.

no, i don’t like myself.

no, i don’t understand at all how someone could love me.

yes, i look at myself and wonder how in the absolute hell someone can love me.

yes, i sometimes wonder if leaving this world would be better.

yes, i care too much. i care way too much. it only leads to pain. so much pain. so, so much pain.

i am hurting. i am grieving. i am in agony.

how can one love an agonized, troubled, and undeserving being such as i? how can one look at me and say, “yes, i love this one. i really do.”

i don’t really believe you. i’m sorry. i’m sorry, i want to, but i just can’t bring myself to believe. i see it, i see the love, but i just- i can’t believe it.

please, i know i want to. and i probably will. like i’ve said, you astound me, you render me speechless. but i’ve been broken a bit too many times for my taste to really believe anymore. maybe the meds will help.

or maybe i’m just in a bad state right now. my love for you is real though. don’t ever doubt that. my love for you goes beyond my love for myself. but i guess you can put that together because of what you’ve read here.

i’m not sure who this is addressed to. a bit of it goes to her, a bit to others, it’s mostly me shouting into the void, and hoping someone will reach into the void, grab me by the hand, and pull me into an embrace so warm i just… break.

i’m so… tired. i just want a break, i just want to break, i’m just so damn tired.

i’ll see you all when i’m feeling better, cause then i’ll shove this all deep down again, and it’ll be like nothing ever happened.

cause that’s what always happens.

should you ever forget me

 i will kiss the memories onto your lips