Going_North_cal

So look me in the eyes, tell me what you see

Perfect paradise, tearin' at the seams

I wish I could escape it, I don't wanna fake it

Wish I could erase it, make your heart believe

But I'm a bad liar, bad liar

To the One who Was:

I’ll be honest.

I don’t miss you.

I don’t miss what we had.

What he had might have been nice in the moment, but had it gone on any longer, it would’ve surely ruined my life. And while I struggled with losing you and with my punishment for being with you, I also grew. I also realized that it was a good thing we were separated.

What we had was not based on love. It was based on something else. Something that wouldn’t have lasted long. If I had stayed with you, I would’ve only become someone I do not ever want to be.

However, I don’t wish you any ill will.

In fact, I hope you’re happy now. I hope you’ve found someone, I hope you’ve found true love. As I have.

Something better than what we had.

It took a long time to get closure. We were young, lived too far apart, and when there were moments when I could’ve talked to you, I didn’t. I was scared.

I was scared I would be roped back into what was, and that I’d only fall deeper into the terrible pit that I had been falling into.

But when we got closure, things seemed brighter. I was able to let you go.

Finally.

And now I’ve found someone who looks at me like they’re all I need. I’ve found someone who sees me for me.

I hope you’ve found that person too.

Regards,

CN

found a trail ruin in Minecraft, as well as several shipwrecks, and a couple buried treasures.

i have much loot now.

mmm.

yesterday i told my mom i probably have depression.

and after explaining the reasons why that me and my therapist came to during our session on wednesday, she agreed with me.

what.

i was not expecting her to agree with me.

see now, the reasons i have depression are as follows:

1. my mothers post-partum after me was the worst post-partum she’s ever had, and she told me she had suspected that the first year of my life night have screwed me up a bit because of how it screwed her up.

2. covid pushed up the already higher-than-normal bar of emotional stability, so that it was oh so close to overflowing the emotion-pot. i was unstable, but not completely falling apart. yet.

3. that whole deal with one of my closest friends, practically my sibling, who i met at FSY last year, trying to take her own life late last july. that traumatized me and made the emotion-pot bubble over, gifting me anxiety, and now depression

4. other things that made the emotion-pot bubble up, such as my four years of digestive issues before finally figuring out last november it was both lactose intolerance AND gluten intolerance. those four years were very traumatizing and i now have very very severe emetophobia :))))

anywho, wednesday is my birthday, and thursday is my yearly well check with my doctor, and we’re gonna bring it up with her then

hopefully i don’t just fall apart at the seams before then ahaha

opinion:

earth to echo is an underrated and incredible film.

you know what screw it i’ll say it again because yeah i’m in love so what

i love her. simply put. the emotions in me that back this statement are completely and utterly indescribable but i swear to you they are real and i love her.

me watching my profile slowly turn into just me simping for luna:

…..damn am i a simp 

when you’re within eyesight of me,

you’re the only sight i need to see.

my hands are cold.

but i put them in the sun, and it’s almost like i’m holding yours.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAJSA!!!!!

happy to call you my sister, and i wish you all the best in everything you possibly do.

im glad you're here on the shard :)))))

AND YOUR ARTS INCREDIBLE AAAAAAA

and also thanks for letting me write with Everley >:]

here’s the plan:

i leave for my mission in about a year.

meaning i leave luna for 2 years: an eternity to my romantic mind. but i’m trading this eternity for another eternity.

either way, i have a great idea that i’m well on my way to completing.

for every day i’m gone, all 730, i will write 1 little thing. a short romantic phrase, a mini poem.

and as long as i write at least two per day, i’ll be finished quickly.

i’ve already done 24 of them.

aint nothing like flying around in minecraft mining every ore in sight while listening to some chill synthwave

bound.

bound to falling.

bound to breaking.

bound to love.

bound to loss.

bound to be together.

bound to be apart.

bound to be close.

bound to be far.

bound to you.

bound to me.

i’m dubbing the times of 10:30 PM to 12:00 AM the Lovesick Hours.

for… obvious reasons.

“why did you fall in love?”

”i didn’t mean to… i just couldn’t help it.”

”what did it change?”

”everything.”

WE COULD HAVE HAD DAVID TENNANT AND HENRY CAVILL NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

help because no why i’m so in love i can’t even

asked luna today what the minimum amount of time was before i proposed after i got back from my mission.

she thought for a minute then said, "mm, about 2 weeks."

this girl, you guys.

she's fun.

update:

i drove to the library, which is apparently closed today, but on the way there i cried, and on the way back i cried/scream-sang along to Words Fail from DEH.

what has this book done to me.

Finish time: 1:25 AM.

i am broken.

my heart has been torn out, torn apart, and my soul torn down.

my love is cracked. my joy is wounded.

my tears are gone.

i am numb.

i am scared, i am anxious, i am hit where it hurts.

she had cancer once. bone cancer, like Augustus.

it was in her ankle. it’s gone now.

but this novel makes me wonder…

what if it comes back?

what if i lose her

what if i cannot write her the eulogy, the epilogue, the sequel she deserves?

so many what if?’s… curse this anxiety, and the way it’s addled my mind.

tomorrow i will cry at her, let my anxieties present themselves to her in words.

i am forever changed. i mean it. this book has changed me. for better or for worse i know not.

i am waxing poetic, but that is due to Augustus’s four page letter to Van Houten.

can a man not wax poetic in a moment of weakness when the moon is high, and his only company the stars?

curse this fragile frame, these tender thoughts, this manipulative and manipulated mind.

curse the anxiety, the pain, the death.

i have decided i will read all of TFIOS in one night.

i will update when i have finished.

i will provide the time as well.

time started: about 9:15 PM.

will provide finish time when done.