Going_North_cal

oh hey yesterday was my sixth shardiversary

dang im old

thats weird

uh

hey you’re all pretty cool i love the time ive spent here uhh thanks for good memories and good times k ima go keep playing subnautica now

great lets add undereating to the list of things that are wrong with me

undereating causes problems, the undereating is most likely bc the meds im on for ADHD dont work like they should, the ADHD meds dont work like they should bc they’re a stimulant and i have autism too and that causes problems, and dont even get me started on what i think could be C-PTSD (suspicion only, im not a professional and im not diagnosed) stemming from whatever happened as a kid and the five years of gut health issues, which has completely screwed me over emotionally (the suspected C-PTSD has), which means its JUST MORE PROBLEMS, because i cant cry and i cant do any big emotions and part of that is probably the autism, im constantly exhausted, i don’t remember the last time i ACTUALLY felt rested, like woke up and didnt groggily turn back over and go to sleep type rested, ive had HORRIFIC bags under my eyes for at least 2-3 weeks, i swear my small hand tremors have been getting worse or maybe i just notice them now that im more aware of them, the worlds going to rust, my president is an utter moron, and its all just GAHGG

im technically in a healthy weight range, 6 ft tall and ~145 lbs, like a 19.4-19.7 range on the BMI. low for the healthy range, with minimum at like 18.6 or something, but im not anorexic. 

oh oh oh AND i have no when i am or am not masking somehow, which means extra exhaustion randomly bc of that, oh boy oh boy.

gghgg. genuinely wondering how im going to survive on my own. because im screwed.

english exam.

time to lock in. (i says knowing it will be easy)

genuinely what the hell is going on i genuinely have so many problems

and i subconsciously refuse to acknowledge them

because theres so few places/environments i feel safe enougu to do so

every time emotions bubble up, i completely shut down, i completely close up. my muscles tense, my eyes unfocus, i just start fidgeting with something.

i cant cry, i still cant cry.

i was reminded again today of things i want to storming move on from dammit can i please just move on from that rust i dont it to keep coming to mind

if i hold my hands out and spread out my fingers and try to hold my hands still, there is a small, but very obvious, tremor.

my hands havent been truly still for a long time. and theres something in my head that wont come out. a memory, an experience, i dont know what, but i swear theres something there.

and ofc people read this message or others like it and offer their ears and their thoughts, and i want so badly to accept that

but i cant, i cant. i dont even know what it is. but i freeze up, i cant put it into words. fml bro.

alright bedtime gonna wake up in the morning and be Just Fine as usual.

ahh

2:45 am contemplations

being extremely empathetic sucks

also profile changes

ALBUM ANNOUNCEMENT ALBUM ANNOUNCEMENT ALBUM ANNOUNCEMENT

CURRENT RUNTIME: 46 MINUTES AND 52 SECONDS

CURRENT TRACK COUNT: 15

PRODUCTION STATUS:

- 13 OF 15 ARE READY FOR EQ ADJUSTMENTS

- 2 OF 15 NEED TWEAKING BEFORE EQ ADJUSTMENTS

NEXT STEPS:

- EQ ADJUST

- WRITE AND RECORD LYRICS

- FINAL POLISHES

- RELEASE

THUNDERSTORMS RAHHHHHHHHH

Also my brain is not kind when my meds wear off and it's nearly two in the morning.

Saw Project Hail Mary in IMAX tonight.

My heart is completely shattered and my life is thoroughly changed.

gugh hardest part about making an album is NOT producing the songs guys

it's writing lyrics oh my days why is it so hard to write lyrics holy moly

i keep forgettinmg to visit here sorry guys

uhhhhhhhhhhh im alive. doing some community college classes, makingh music, taking care of myself. medicated for ADHD now, on vyvanse. life is really good, and it's been really good. for context my now ex girlfriend cheated on me two weeks into her being at college, then broke up with me and spread horrendous lies and rumors about me.

oh and when i was reevaluating our relationship after the breakup i realized she was really emotionally abusive and narcissistic. so yeah we are WAAAAY happier now

hoope you all are doing well, im working on an album right now. I hope to have it done by May or June and have it released July or August (gives me time to allow for distribution and some minor marketing)

rare post. rarer poem. one am. i’m really tired and really done with everything.

it’s so strange

i’ve so many people to text.

i’ve so many friends to talk to.

and yet,

when mother moon and her children the stars,

shine with a mellow light,

it’s the loneliest i’ve ever been.

the lowest i’ve ever been.

and i don’t want to be here.

the one person who i thought loved me like no one else,

doesn’t. and probably didn’t.

she’s taken my heart and my love, torn it into tiny pieces,

and flung it up to the stars.

and i can’t reach the stars.

so i’ve no way to rebuild my heart.

and i don’t want to be here.

a million things are wrong with me.

it’s hard to eat.

it’s hard to work.

i’m exhausted. i’m exhausted. i am exhausted.

i can only keep the mask on my face for so long,

and it’s slowly starting to crack.

and i don’t want to be here.

if the mask breaks, i’ve no way to come back.

if the mask breaks…

what will i do.

where will i go.

who will i be.

who will leave.

and i don’t want to be here.

here where i’m happy and sad, together.

here where i’m loved by my family and hated by myself,

here where i screw up everyday,

here where i only want to lay in my bed and not move until there’s mushrooms in my hair and a forest by the door.

i saw the ocean, once. the ocean was beautiful.

vast, open, large and deep. 

when i fell for her,

i saw that ocean in her eyes. i was drowning in it, and i wanted to be nowhere else.

i should’ve realized i was drowning.

because now, i can’t see the ocean.

i can’t see the spring leaves.

i can’t see the sunflowers.

i can’t see the bluejays, the ravens, the crows.

not without seeing her.

and i don’t want to be here.

because i’m exhausted. i’m exhausted. i am exhausted.

yeah hi i’m back now

sorry it took so long to get on here, lowkey forgot about it.

anyways yes. i’m back. for good. served a solid mission, did my best, i know the Lords happy with me

i was released on June 24th, so yea, over a month ago- sorryyyyy

i’m back to work and also working to find a second job so i can make as much bank as possible. CAUSE MONEY EYYYYY

boo

I think if/when Stormlight becomes a TV show I should play Szeth.

I think I'd do it really well.

Hello

After many many months of waiting, I finally have both confirmation of my reinstatement as a missionary, and a date that I will be leaving.

Pending my final itinerary, I will be departing on March 4th or March 5th. These next few days will be full of me preparing for that departure.

The many projects I've begun in my time home will continue, including musical projects, my book, and other lovely creative things. Everyone has been so supportive, so kind, and rooting so hard for me to get back out there.

AND HUZZAH!!! I HAVE MADE IT!!!!

So, wish me luck. Because I'm leaving. Again. For real this time.

I'll be back in two years

Hello my friends. It me.

I found out through the legal team behind EPIC: The Musical that it is 100% legal to make a Cosmere parody of EPIC.

I will be doing that.

WARNING: MAJOR WIND AND TRUTH SPOILERS BELOW. READ FUNNY MOMENT AT YOUR OWN RISK.