Going_North_cal

Lighting: Center spotlight at 100%, left and right spotlights at 25%

Sounds: whispers as a background sound effect and younger by tony anderson: fade in at 3:25, end at 6:46.

(Normal Volume, Normal Pace) People have argued for years about the bane of humanity’s existence. Climate change, war, social problems, and many more are but a few of the things on that list. But what people don’t see, and what they don’t know, is that the true bane of our existence isn’t anything we created. Rather, it’s us ourselves. Our mind. Our own consciousness, working against us at all hours of the day, regardless of whether you want it to or not. It doesn’t listen. It doesn’t obey. It just goes. It takes an idea and runs wild with it, be it for better or for worse, and it will not be tamed or subdued.

(Quiet Volume, Normal Pace) People whose minds are especially cruel to them seem to live life like they’re in the third person. Like it’s an out of body experience. Like they have no control over what they actually do that day. Like if they take one misstep, say one thing wrong, put one thing in a place it doesn’t belong… *slight pause* then everything will fall apart.

(Normal Volume, Normal Pace) (Begin to move around) These people continue to go about their life, ignoring what’s happening, ignoring how they feel. They paint on a smile, and pretend everything is okay. They whisper to themselves, “Everything is okay.” But deep down, they know it is absolutely not okay. 

(Quieter Volume, Speeding Up Pace) (Slowly move into darkness) They know it never can be okay, they know that somehow, nothing will ever be the same. They put a smile on at work and at school, but the moment they walk in their front door, their whole world falls apart. They sit on their couch, or lay on their bed, and they feel nothing. They feel numb. Or, if they're a different person, they feel everything. They feel everything there is to feel. Sadness, anguish, guilt, anxiety, panic, they feel the absolute torture of everything they’ve been bottling up for days or weeks or months or years.

(Quiet volume, Slow Pace, then Quickened Pace) (In left or right dark space now) (Whispers fade in from the background) They hear things. In their heads. Mutterings and whispers, telling them they’re ugly, imperfect, unloved, unlovable, and that they don’t deserve anything. The whispers, the mutterings, they can very quickly turn into shouts, and demeaning screams. They can say so much, shout so much. These voices can turn your life into a living hell. A nightmare within reality. (Whispers fade out from the background)

*pause*

(Normal volume,  gets louder, normal pace) I’m what some would call a therapist friend. People come to me when they’re feeling anxious or sad, and I give them advice. I give them comfort, and a place where they can vent their frustrations, their anxieties, their worries, woes, and nightmares, I give them a place where they can vent these into the air. I help them let it out. Because it hurts. Being in that much pain. Wondering if you can ever love like you used to. Hoping you’ll see your sister again, if only so you can say goodbye. Praying to any God that will listen to please pick you up out of this pit.

*pause*

(Quiet volume, slow pace) That hurts more than you can ever begin to imagine. It tears you apart. And I’ve felt that. And somehow, I’ve come out on top. It took a while, and I did it mostly alone, and it was not without a cost and sacrifice… but I came out on top. So now I help everybody else, to come out on top.

*pause*

(Normal Volume, normal pace) (Move back into main spotlight) I do it because one other person did that for me. And I owe her my life. I owe her more than that, just because of all that she has done for me, in showing me how to help other people.

(Loud volume, confident, normal pace) (Younger by Tony Anderson fades in at 3:25) While all of this might sound sad, gloomy, and downright depressing, there is a happy ending. It’s possible to be okay, even when you’re not okay. It’s possible to be in love, even when you don’t feel like you can be loved. It’s possible to keep pushing through your day, even when you think you can’t. It’s possible to smile genuinely, even if you can’t an hour later. I’ve spent the past year and a half discovering all of this. That it’s possible to be okay and not okay simultaneously. That I can be happy, and not feel guilty about being happy.

Some might say that if you’re sad you should stay sad. If you’re happy, then there’s no reason to be sad. If you’re sad, well there’s not much to be done. That is a lie. You can be both. You can be happy and sad, guilty and shameless, humble and proud, and so much more. Your mind is your bane, but also your happiness. It is why I am standing here today, is because I am more powerful in all these areas then anyone could ever think me to be.