Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

And the winner is... @Archer! You made it a long ways @I Am A Fish, thanks for playing!

It is time. The final battle in this tournament. The long awaited and prophesied Alcatraz vs Bastille roast! @Archer @Fezzik good luck! I’m giving you 5 days to make your roasts perfect, so take your time and have your roasts ready to go on Thursday the 19th! 

[Archer he/him]

Okay, okay, okay! It's time for Alcatraz Smedry to kick things off! There's minor, vague "spoilers" in this, but they're all in the last paragraph. So if you haven't read Alcatraz yet (*cough, Channelknight Fadran, cough*), stop at the asterisk line: ******. 

Spoiler

*Alcatraz steps through a side door, unnoticed by anyone thanks to his clever Sharpie mustache. Freedom! He runs through the darkness, then is stopped in his tracks by a sudden bright light shining down on him. He’s on a large stage, in front of thousands of strangely dressed humanoids glowing with foreign magicks. He hears his name blaring through a speaker. The creatures cheer. Then a second spotlight snaps on, revealing a familiar woman beside him on the stage…*

 

What are you doing here, Basti? Is it for the same reasons I am?

I’m always happy to see my bestie, but I’m kind of on the lamb.

Look at that crowd of aliens leer, all so hungry to eat us.

But if I’m about to die here, it’s my last chance to impress.

I have this poem I wrote for you, all about your worth.

I had some candy for you too, but I left that on Earth.

Here goes.

 

You set my heart racing, like a school fire drill.

Your strides have good pacing, never at a standstill.

The way you give hugs, it’s like a hammer on anvil.

If we were a hive of bugs, you’d be the queen of the anthill.

You’re attractive to birds, they come to your windowsill.

My feelings here are unfiltered, unlike how whales eat krill.

I love your move than pickles, even the ones with dill.

Here, I got you some Skittles, I really like you, Bastille.

 

Psst, they’re stunned by my rhyme! It’s the perfect distraction.

I can buy us some time, so that you can take action.

Gak, howdy there folks! How we doing tonight?

I can’t think of good jokes, so did you know she’s a knight?

I remember one Tuesday, in the Royal Archives (Not a Library!).

We were eating a sundae, ice cream topped with cherry.

Bastille was hard working, I was doodling elves.

But danger was lurking, somewhere in the shelves.

Suddenly RAWWWWWR, out popped a Dread Mammoth!

A colossal carnivore, thirty-foot-tall and buff.

It swept me from my seat, plowing books aside.

As I got to my feet, she was already by its side.

From her purse came her sword, gleaming in the light.

Before I’d said a word, she had ended the fight.

A stab in its leg, that’s all that it took.

And she didn’t even brag, just went back to her book.

She’s a fearsome defender, and looks good in armor.

No battle can end her, no weapon can harm her.

***********************spoilers to follow****************************

Now, to take a quick pause, to add some context.

My girl’s not without flaws, she’s very easily vexed.

She’s a massive lens nerd, even though she can’t wear most.

Her neck rock’s absurd, she’s in this hivemind with ghosts.

Very prone to concussions, always rescued by this guy. 

She’s from a long line of kings, but like, so am I.

Eek, I’ve gone back to roasting, should have stopped while ahead.

I meant to be toasting, but at least we aren’t dead!

How ‘bout you talk for now, I have a great plan.

Things will soon go ka-pow, it’s about time that we ran.

 

[Shard of Reading he/him]

1 hour ago, Archer said:

I love your move than pickles, even the ones with dill.

Did you mean more, not move? BUT OH MY GOSH THIS IS ABSOLUTELY HILARIOUS!!!!

[Archer he/him]

TIL I am unable to write I love you without putting two typos in the sentence, so we'll be unpacking that in therapy a few years down the road. 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Well, I gave several extra days and @Fezzik never replied, so @Archer wins this tournament! It was a fantastic roast either way. Signups for the next tournament open on Wednesday at 7:00 AM US central time. (Because busyness tomorrow)

Edited November 24, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[Archer he/him]

Spoiler

Hey B, this will kickstart your comedy career.

So imma let you finish, but- oh dear

I accidentally broke my Cowjuicer Lens,

Now it teleports, bye friends!

Thanks for all the puns and rhymes,

I have had an excellent time.

The organization was superb,

And thanks for giving me the last-

*A random portal opens up and Alcatraz and Bastille disappear into it. As it closes, everything everywhere explodes. Kaboom.*

 

Edit: Seriously, all of you are fabulous. I look forward to reading the roasts of those of you who return, even if I won't be competing again for a while. All the upvotes to Ghander for keeping this thing going. 

Edited November 24, 2020 by Archer

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

4 hours ago, Archer said:

  Reveal hidden contents

Hey B, this will kickstart your comedy career.

So imma let you finish, but- oh dear

I accidentally broke my Cowjuicer Lens,

Now it teleports, bye friends!

Thanks for all the puns and rhymes,

I have had an excellent time.

The organization was superb,

And thanks for giving me the last-

*A random portal opens up and Alcatraz and Bastille disappear into it. As it closes, everything everywhere explodes. Kaboom.*

 

Edit: Seriously, all of you are fabulous. I look forward to reading the roasts of those of you who return, even if I won't be competing again for a while. All the upvotes to Ghander for keeping this thing going. 

Aw thanks Archer. It's gotten me plenty of memes on the Sharder memes thread.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Signups for the next tournament are now open! Come one, come all! (I’m going to try something new this round, so stick around to see it!)

@Nathrangking @Toaster Retribution you were both on the list, so here.

 

Spoiler

@Ookla The Female Chicken-Silence Montane

@Nathrangking-Stormfather

@Somebody from Sel-Szeth

@Toaster Retribution-Nale

@Shard of Reading-Lopen

@Ookla the Mok Turtle Soup-Vyre

@Kingsdaughter613-Kelsier

@Ookla's Dice-Preservation

@BreezeCauthon-Breeze

@Ookla the Shadowed-Sixth of the Dusk

@Ookla the Ethereal-Jasnah

@Brightness Warrior

 

Edited December 16, 2020 by Ookla the Sarcastic

[Nathrangking he/him]

35 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Signups for the next tournament are now open! Come on, come all! (I’m going to try something new this round, so stick around to see it!)

@Nathrangking @Toaster Retribution you were both on the list, so here.

I take the Stormfather.

[Hen she/her]

For this round, probably no characters introduced in RoW or Dawnshard, and events that happened in those is off the table for roasting. 

Does that sound okay @Ghanderflaffle? 

Now, to pick a character...

[Guest Somebody from Scadrial]

Can I join?

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

48 minutes ago, Nathrangking said:

I take the Stormfather.

Got it!

41 minutes ago, Hentient said:

For this round, probably no characters introduced in RoW or Dawnshard, and events that happened in those is off the table for roasting. 

Does that sound okay @Ghanderflaffle? 

Now, to pick a character...

Agreed

11 minutes ago, Somebody from Sel said:

Can I join?

Yep, pick a Cosmere character!

[Guest Somebody from Scadrial]

Just now, Ghanderflaffle said:

Got it!

Agreed

Yep, pick a Cosmere character!

Ok sure Stephen Leeds it will either backfire incredibly or work excellently

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Just now, Somebody from Sel said:

Ok sure Stephen Leeds it will either backfire incredibly or work excellently

It's Cosmere only for this round.

[Guest Somebody from Scadrial]

1 minute ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

It's Cosmere only for this round.

Dang it one sec

Szeth! Once again either incredible or horrible

Edited November 25, 2020 by Somebody from Sel

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

2 minutes ago, Somebody from Sel said:

Dang it one sec

Szeth! Once again either incredible or horrible

Got it!

[Shard of Reading he/him]

I will attempt this once again as The Lopen.

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Huh, another one of these... can I go as Nale?

[Hen she/her]

I will be Silence! 

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

44 minutes ago, Hentient said:

I will be Silence! 

No one will be able to hear your roasts then :-D

[Guest Somebody from Scadrial]

4 hours ago, Hentient said:

I will be Silence! 

I am Death

[Archer he/him]

8 minutes ago, Somebody from Sel said:

I am Death

*nods* So all you hear is silence. 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Archer
(That was a deaf joke)

[Guest Somebody from Scadrial]

1 minute ago, Archer said:

*nods* So all you hear is silence. 

 

Edited November 25, 2020 by Somebody from Sel
If that's a deaf joke you're pronouncing it wrong

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

20 hours ago, Shard of Reading said:

I will attempt this once again as The Lopen.

 

20 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Huh, another one of these... can I go as Nale?

 

20 hours ago, Ookla The Female Chicken said:

I will be Silence! 

Got it!

 

This is going to be death during ookla season. 

Edited November 26, 2020 by Ookla the Sarcastic

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

19 hours ago, Ookla the Sarcastic said:

This is going to be death during ookla season. 

You're being Ookla sarcastic, right? 

Sign me up as Vyre (quiet down guys, we're all friends here)