Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Shard of Reading he/him]

4 minutes ago, yeshevishman said:

Hey all!  @Kingsdaughter613 invited me here.  I don't have time to go through this whole forum, so can someone give me a rundown of how this works?

You pick a character from the cosmere, get put in a bracket with other cosmere character and you then make fun of them. Typically in rap or poetic form. There's currently a tournament going on right now, so if you want to join you would have to wait for this one to end, but you can reserve a place in the next tournament.

Edited January 13, 2021 by Shard of Reading

[yeshevishman he/him]

1 minute ago, Shard of Reading said:

You pick a character from the cosmere, get put in a bracket with other cosmere character and you then make fun of them. Typically in rap or poetic form. There's currently a tournament going on right now, so if you want to join you would have to wait for this one to end, but you can reserve a place in the next tournament.

Ey!  Sounds cool.  Is Adolin taken?  If not, I would love to get in as him on the next bracket.

[Shard of Reading he/him]

5 minutes ago, yeshevishman said:

Ey!  Sounds cool.  Is Adolin taken?  If not, I would love to get in as him on the next bracket.

I don't think so, but it would probably be best to ask @Ghanderflaffle about what characters are taken.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

10 minutes ago, yeshevishman said:

Ey!  Sounds cool.  Is Adolin taken?  If not, I would love to get in as him on the next bracket.

You might also be able to pinch hit if someone isn’t participating.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Sorry I keep being awful about post rounds. I need to set reminders apparently. Only three battles left, the first of these will be @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine as Vyre against @Matrim's Dice as Preservation. Should be plenty for both of you to pick on and mercilessly roast about! This duel will end on Saturday, the 16th, at 8:00 am CST. I know I will be late with this one if any roasts are posted on Saturday as I will be at a speech meet, but I should be able to get to it the same day still.

Edited January 14, 2021 by Ghanderflaffle

[BreezeCauthon he/him]

Scadrial seems to have done pretty well in the opening rounds.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

22 minutes ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Scadrial seems to have done pretty well in the opening rounds.

“On the one hand I want Fuzz to win,” Kelsier said, “making it an all around Scadrian victory. On the other hand, I’m not going to enjoy having to go after friends twice.”

Quote

Yes, of course he’s assuming he’ll win. He’s Kelsier!

 

[BreezeCauthon he/him]

3 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

“On the one hand I want Fuzz to win,” Kelsier said, “making it an all around Scadrian victory. On the other hand, I’m not going to enjoy having to go after friends twice.”

"You've miscounted, my dear fellow. You face me this round, not the one after that. You'll only have to do it once."

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

16 minutes ago, BreezeCauthon said:

"You've miscounted, my dear fellow. You face me this round, not the one after that. You'll only have to do it once."

Kelsier’s grin grew sharp, a dark glint in his eye. “Guess we’ll see, won’t we. I’m not planning on playing nice, Ladrian.” Then his smile brightened. “But no hard feelings after.”

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

The auditorium is quiet, the crowd remarkably subdued after Breeze's showy exit, begin talking softly again when the curtains drop for a change of scene. 

Now, with mock humility, we at Grapevine Productions do proffer forth a trifling little continuation of the play that you have seen Act I of. 

For your slight, and dare we hope enjoyable enjoyment, here is Act II of Rogues in Bug Land, wherein the villain Vyre, recently reunited with lovely Leshwi and the nefarious Nale, doth plot, plan and scheme in song form.

As the curtain rises we see our three ne'erdowells standing atop a prop version of a Kholinar wind blade, with a backdrop painting of Kholinar ablaze behind them. 

Spoiler

We Won't Be Happy Til We End it (sung to the tune of We Won't Be Happy Til We Get It from Babes in Toy Land) 

Vyre:
I conived and I chortled as I plotted regicide,
And I almost broke my buddy cuz he could not decide.
Now my first attempt was thwarted when Kaladin broke his word,
So underhandedly I've planned a method that is much preferred,
And I won’t be happy till I end it.
Unwittingly, Stormbless'd will be in time.
For my bridge four salute after the king has felt my boot,
And sweet Vengeance is mine, all mine.

Nale:
We enjoy fighting opression though we are quite insane
And we specialize in methods which are completely inhumane.
Now we're on our way to end the war and stop the human scourge,
And we might kick in all their teeth if we ever get the urge.
And we won’t be happy till we end it.
In some cities the humans will feel pain.
We’re eager to proceed to do this evil deed,
'Til Odium our lord will reign.

Vyre, Nale, and Leshwi:
We’re an awful gruesome threesome and we’re rotten to the core,
Of the crem we pull, you'll see some that will make you hate us more.
Whether plundering or murder, makes no difference it's no crime,
You're occupation of this land is at an end this time,
And we won’t be happy till we end it.
Oh, what a shame, they’ll hate our name in town,
But what are we to do, unhappily it’s true
We’ll do anything to knock you down,
And we won’t be happy till we end it.

The curtains fall as the crowd murmurs in distress at the sheer villainy of the scene they have just seen. Sounds of shifting props filter through the drawn curtain as the anxious spectators prattle on, with many aghast declamations and many an arched eyebrow and stern harrumpf. 

The curtain rises for Act II, Scene 2 revealing a lone man dressed in a rumpled black uniform sitting on a inky black rock under an inverted sky, staring intently into a luminescent pool. Behind him a glowing misty form wanders aimlessly, raveling and unraveling as he mutters quietly to himself. The man sprawled on the rock stands and undoes the collar of his uniform, and holding a microphone loosely in one hand he rises into the air and floats towards the misty figure. The light of the pool slowly fades and Vyre is lit instead by a blue tinted spotlight. Looking forlornly at the sad state that Preservation is in he begins to sing:

Spoiler

Send In the Clown (Sung to the tune of Send In the Clowns) 

Isn't it rich,
Aren't we a pair
You here at last though you're bound,
Me in mid-air
Send in the clown
Isn't it Fuzz?
Don't you approve
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can't move
Where is your mind?
Send in the clown

Just when you stopped spreading your mists
Finally knowing that you've lost all your wits
Kelsier punched in your face with his usual flair
He knocked on your head - but no one is there

Don't you love farce,
Let's shed a tear

I thought that a piece of a god,
Should persevere
But he's just a clown
It's Leras the clown
Quick send in the clown

What a surprise,
Who could foresee?
Preservation is no more now we have Harmony
With misty eyes now I see that you've drifted away
What a surprise, what a cliché

Isn't it rich, isn't it queer
Preserving your own life was too much I fear
That's it for this clown
Quick send in more clowns

(Vyre looks out at the crowd and sees Kelsier, and Breeze and smiling wryly he sings) 
Don't bother they're here.

 

[+Doomstick he/him]

Did you mean to put that in Cosmere the Musical?

Edited January 17, 2021 by AonDii

[Mat he/him]

Did I 100% forget about this? Yes. Sorry, I've been a bit busy lately. 

Ghander, if I don't get it in today, you can call it. but I'm sure gonna try, if that's alright.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

1 hour ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Did I 100% forget about this? Yes. Sorry, I've been a bit busy lately. 

Ghander, if I don't get it in today, you can call it. but I'm sure gonna try, if that's alright.

Since I forgot to post a reminder, I’ll give you to the end of the day.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

10 hours ago, AonDii said:

Did you mean to put that in Cosmere the Musical?

Spoiler

[Mat he/him]

@Ghanderflaffle, I’m officially abstaining. I had no time today and am... honestly exhausted  I doubt I’d have won anyway, @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine had one epic roast! Good luck in the next rounds

Preservation bowed, stepping back to let the raving Herald-killer move on. He had been punched before and had no desire to repeat the experience.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

12 hours ago, Matrim's Dice said:

@Ghanderflaffle, I’m officially abstaining. I had no time today and am... honestly exhausted  I doubt I’d have won anyway, @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine had one epic roast! Good luck in the next rounds

Preservation bowed, stepping back to let the raving Herald-killer move on. He had been punched before and had no desire to repeat the experience.

Kelsier sighed, waving his old friend over. “Confrontation really isn’t your thing, is it Fuzz? Come join us for a drink.”

@Ghanderflaffle Should Breeze and I consider ourselves under a countdown?

Edited January 18, 2021 by Kingsdaughter613

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

On 1/17/2021 at 10:32 PM, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Kelsier sighed, waving his old friend over. “Confrontation really isn’t your thing, is it Fuzz? Come join us for a drink.”

@Ghanderflaffle Should Breeze and I consider ourselves under a countdown?

Starting now, yes. 72 hours for @Kingsdaughter613 and @BreezeCauthon. Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine

Sorry I’ve been behind, I’ve gotten super busy the least week or so.

[BreezeCauthon he/him]

Here goes nothing, part 2:

Spoiler

*Breeze jumps up on stage as the music kicks in. With a scoff, he begins:*

Ha!

At least make it a challenge for me!

My mere presence was enough

To cause Kaladin and Nale to flee.

 

Now it's time for 1v1

Come on, let's go, let's get it done.

 

Kell, in advance,

Take no offense

It's nothing personal 

It's just business.

 

I could talk about a lot of things

Your inveterate hatred of nobility

Your arguable psychopathy

Your parentage of illegitimacy.

Your insufferable arrogancy

Which lends itself to stupidity.

 

You let yourself be worshipped

When you know you're not a god

But I, quite rightly, am called the Counselor of some.

 

When you faced the Lord Ruler

He beat you through and through

In fact, he actually ran you through

Call yourself Survivor if you will

But it isn't due to skill

 

Look all I'm saying is

I made it out alive, with zero complications

Maybe you didn't die, but to me it seems complicated

 

And I hate to rub it it,

But I started a lineage

That's lasted through the years

You never had any kids

So when your time is up

Your name will not 'survive.'

 

Hero, antihero, weirdo

Call him what you will, folks

As for me, it's straightforward

A good guy

A nice guy

A wise guy

The best guy

Sigh if you wanna sigh

But my name will never die

It's Breeze!

 

*Breeze jumps off the stage, remembers something, and jumps back on*

 

Also, bro, you don't like Hoid!?

What's up with that?

Of taste you seem to be devoid.

 

*Now he's done for real, and, subtly soothing Kelsier's negative feelings (he doesn't really think Kelsier would do him any harm, but then, it never hurts to be safe), leaves the stage again*

That was harder than the last one, I must say.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

1 minute ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Here goes nothing, part 2:

  Hide contents

*Breeze jumps up on stage as the music kicks in. With a scoff, he begins:*

Ha!

At least make it a challenge for me!

My mere presence was enough

To cause Kaladin and Nale to flee.

 

Now it's time for 1v1

Come on, let's go, let's get it done.

 

Kell, in advance,

Take no offense

It's nothing personal 

It's just business.

 

I could talk about a lot of things

Your inveterate hatred of nobility

Your arguable psychopathy

Your parentage of illegitimacy.

Your insufferable arrogancy

Which lends itself to stupidity.

 

You let yourself be worshipped

When you know you're not a god

But I, quite rightly, am called the Counselor of some.

 

When you faced the Lord Ruler

He beat you through and through

In fact, he actually ran you through

Call yourself Survivor if you will

But it isn't due to skill

 

Look all I'm saying is

I made it out alive, with zero complications

Maybe you didn't die, but to me it seems complicated

 

And I hate to rub it it,

But I started a lineage

That's lasted through the years

You never had any kids

So when your time is up

Your name will not 'survive.'

 

Hero, antihero, weirdo

Call him what you will, folks

As for me, it's straightforward

A good guy

A nice guy

A wise guy

The best guy

Sigh if you wanna sigh

But my name will never die

It's Breeze!

 

*Breeze jumps off the stage, remembers something, and jumps back on*

 

Also, bro, you don't like Hoid!?

What's up with that?

Of taste you seem to be devoid.

 

*Now he's done for real, and, subtly soothing Kelsier's negative feelings (he doesn't really think Kelsier would do him any harm, but then, it never hurts to be safe), leaves the stage again*

That was harder than the last one, I must say.

“You do realize that I was a god, right?” Kelsier points out. “And, at least according to some opinions, I still kind of am. It depends on how you define a Sliver a godhood.”

[Random Bystander she/her]

Hi. Can I join the next round of this? (If so, can I be Nightblood?)

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

6 hours ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Here goes nothing, part 2:

  Reveal hidden contents

*Breeze jumps up on stage as the music kicks in. With a scoff, he begins:*

Ha!

At least make it a challenge for me!

My mere presence was enough

To cause Kaladin and Nale to flee.

 

Now it's time for 1v1

Come on, let's go, let's get it done.

 

Kell, in advance,

Take no offense

It's nothing personal 

It's just business.

 

I could talk about a lot of things

Your inveterate hatred of nobility

Your arguable psychopathy

Your parentage of illegitimacy.

Your insufferable arrogancy

Which lends itself to stupidity.

 

You let yourself be worshipped

When you know you're not a god

But I, quite rightly, am called the Counselor of some.

 

When you faced the Lord Ruler

He beat you through and through

In fact, he actually ran you through

Call yourself Survivor if you will

But it isn't due to skill

 

Look all I'm saying is

I made it out alive, with zero complications

Maybe you didn't die, but to me it seems complicated

 

And I hate to rub it it,

But I started a lineage

That's lasted through the years

You never had any kids

So when your time is up

Your name will not 'survive.'

 

Hero, antihero, weirdo

Call him what you will, folks

As for me, it's straightforward

A good guy

A nice guy

A wise guy

The best guy

Sigh if you wanna sigh

But my name will never die

It's Breeze!

 

*Breeze jumps off the stage, remembers something, and jumps back on*

 

Also, bro, you don't like Hoid!?

What's up with that?

Of taste you seem to be devoid.

 

*Now he's done for real, and, subtly soothing Kelsier's negative feelings (he doesn't really think Kelsier would do him any harm, but then, it never hurts to be safe), leaves the stage again*

That was harder than the last one, I must say.

 

11 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Starting now, yes. 72 hours for @Kingsdaughter613 and @BreezeCauthon. Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine

Sorry I’ve been behind, I’ve gotten super busy the least week or so.

Spoiler

Kelsier sighs, puts down his glass, not bothering to rise. He smiles sardonically at Breeze.

”So it’s come to this,

Breeze old friend.

A battle begun - 

Only one way to end.

And so, my friend

Unusually for me

I think I’ll start

With honesty.

 

I’m not a good man.

Much evil I’d do.

But this can’t be denied:

To my friends I’m true.

I’ll keep my secrets close.

There are truths I’ll hide.

But though I’ll not answer

You can’t say I lied.

 

(Kelsier suddenly whirls on his friend, gaze sharp and cold.)

 

But you, ‘Breeze.’

From start to end

You lied to me

My ‘friend.’

Did I ever know you?

What did you seek to gain?

All those years of ‘friendship’

Not to trust me with your name.

 

(Kelsier turns away again, voice low and angry and underneath - hurt.)

 

I trusted you with my daughter.

Gave you a place in my plan.

I offered my faith and in exchange -

You lied Lord Ladrian.

 

(He sighs heavily, and then his expression grows dark, a sudden realization striking as he realizes what he just said. And then he continues, his voice dangerously calm.)

 

You’re entitled to your opinion

I only think that’s fair

No matter how offensive

To the adoptive families here.

I won’t deny my arrogance 

So say what you will of me.

But don’t deny me my child -

You know what Vin was to me.

 

You’re right you leave a legacy

The name that you denied.

And that I cannot say the same,

Because my daughter died.

No blood was shared between us

But she meant the world to me.

And she gave her life for all of you

Before her children could be.

(His voice changes subtly as he speaks, anger slowly giving way to grief.)

 

I gave away my life

So our people could be free.

Just so she offered hers

Our Survival her legacy.

 

(His voice takes on a taunting cast, but it cannot hide the raw pain beneath.)

 

You say you are a good man.

You who lie to friends.

A “nice guy” who taunts a father

With his child’s death.

 

(He turns, looks sadly at Breeze, then turns away again.)

 

Perhaps you’ll win this battle

With the rap you threw at me 

But can you look me in the eye?

Was it worth the victory?

(Kelsier bows his head, unwilling to allow anyone to see the tears in his hazel eye. He wraps his arms tightly about himself, as though in the embrace he can feel the echo of the last hug he gave his daughter, holding her tight against his tattered soul.)

 

Edited January 20, 2021 by Kingsdaughter613

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

1 hour ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

 

Kelsier sighs, puts down his glass, not bothering to rise. He smiles sardonically at Breeze.

”So it’s come to this,

Breeze old friend.

A battle begun - 

Only one way to end.

And so, my friend

Unusually for me

I think I’ll start

With honesty.

 

I’m not a good man.

Much evil I’d do.

But this can’t be denied:

To my friends I’m true.

I’ll keep my secrets close.

There are truths I’ll hide.

But though I’ll not answer

You can’t say I lied.

 

(Kelsier suddenly whirls on his friend, gaze sharp and cold.)

 

But you, ‘Breeze.’

From start to end

You lied to me

My ‘friend.’

Did I ever know you?

What did you seek to gain?

All those years of ‘friendship’

Not to trust me with your name.

 

(Kelsier turns away again, voice low and angry and underneath - hurt.)

 

I trusted you with my daughter.

Gave you a place in my plan.

I offered my faith and in exchange -

You lied Lord Ladrian.

 

(He sighs heavily, and then his expression grows dark, a sudden realization striking as he realizes what he just said. And then he continues, his voice dangerously calm.)

 

You’re entitled to your opinion

I only think that’s fair

No matter how offensive

To the adoptive families here.

I won’t deny my arrogance 

So say what you will of me.

But don’t deny me my child -

You know what Vin was to me.

 

You’re right you leave a legacy

The name that you denied.

And that I cannot say the same,

Because my daughter died.

No blood was shared between us

But she meant the world to me.

And she gave her life for all of you

Before her children could be.

(His voice changes subtly as he speaks, anger slowly giving way to grief.)

 

I gave away my life

So our people could be free.

Just so she offered hers

Our Survival her legacy.

 

(His voice takes on a taunting cast, but it cannot hide the raw pain beneath.)

 

You say you are a good man.

You who lie to friends.

A “nice guy” who taunts a father

With his child’s death.

 

(He turns, looks sadly at Breeze, then turns away again.)

 

Perhaps you’ll win this battle

With the rap you threw at me 

But can you look me in the eye?

Was it worth the victory?

(Kelsier bows his head, unwilling to allow anyone to see the tears in his hazel eye. He wraps his arms tightly about himself, as though in the embrace he can feel the echo of the last hug he gave his daughter, holding her tight against his tattered soul.)

Would you mind putting that in a spoiler for length? I’ll post a vote link tomorrow morning.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

1 minute ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Would you mind putting that in a spoiler for length? I’ll post a vote link tomorrow morning.

Okay, sure! Thoughts? Opinions?

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

This part was great @BreezeCauthon! 

7 hours ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Hero, antihero, weirdo

Call him what you will, folks

As for me, it's straightforward

A good guy

A nice guy

A wise guy

The best guy

Sigh if you wanna sigh

But my name will never die

It's Breeze!

And your roast had great pathos @Kingsdaughter613! Kel's emotional journey was perfect.

It's going to be hard to vote this time, your guys' roasts were both great! 

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

2 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

This part was great @BreezeCauthon! 

And your roast had great pathos @Kingsdaughter613! Kel's emotional journey was perfect.

It's going to be hard to vote this time, your guys' roasts were both great! 

Thanks!