Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ghanderflaffle]

@Matrim's Dice @The Awakened Salad @Shard of Reading you’ve got a day left!

[Mat]

20 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

@Matrim's Dice @The Awakened Salad @Shard of Reading you’ve got a day left!

Yes yes I know  

---

Edit:

@Ghanderflaffle I made it! It's done! You don't need to extend it because of me!  

Also @Shard of Reading and @The Awakened Salad c'mon! Join me! (Though Reading hasn't been on since Christmas...)

Spoiler

*Preservation appears from mist, visually looking like a well-defined mist spirit wearing a well-tailored mist suit.*

 

Why hello everybody, I don’t believe we’ve met,

I hope you don’t consider me a very big threat.

I’m a friendly being with a penchant for preserving

But that won’t stop my words from pummeling those most deserving

 

I’ll start with the man who calls himself ‘the’

A useless title, one provoking a duh.

You say it’s because of the unique ring

But you’re trying to be the attention king.

 

You call everyone cousin, family you say,

But poke fun at their lives every single day.

They likely don’t appreciate teasing with no plan

But you wouldn’t notice, and think they’re all your fans.

 

You weren’t good enough to deserve a fanfare

When you swore Radiant oaths the enemy needn’t beware.

There was no blast of power, no glowing eyes

Just an angry little man shaking his fist at the skies.

 

Now, I need no oaths, nor spren, nor bond

To beat down my foes when they jump in my pond

I’m a Shard of Ado, a real piece of a god.

My power is well able to throw yours in the sod.

 

The same goes for Jasnah, ‘Queen of Alethkar’,

Your uncle still will want to rule from behind and afar.

You’re a strong role model for all the little girls.

But your family sees you as not fit for any of the world.

 

You defied the Vorin church, going after your dreams

But drove only a wedge and created loads of memes.

It’s almost a cruel joke to have a strong Vorin nation

To be led by an atheist who’s grudge requires contemplation.

 

You wrongly judged a thief to let her into your fold,

And didn’t even notice when your caster made from gold,

Was stolen right from under where you look a little bath

Had you not already been lying you would have lost it down this path.

 

I think I’ve made my point very much crystal clear

That Lopen and Jasnah Kholin don’t deserve a whit of cheer.

They won’t even show their face, they know they don’t have a chance,

Against a Shard with powers grand who can really really dance!

 

*Preservation takes a step back and shuffles back and forth, waving his arms in a fantastic dance that draws applause from the surrounding crowd. He holds a hand to his ears, waiting for a rebuttal.*

 

Edited January 3, 2021 by Matrim's Dice

[Ghanderflaffle]

Well done Matrim! As Reading hasn’t been on for a while and Salad was on recently enough to see both the start of the round and the reminder, I’m going to have to call this round at only one roast. So, congratulations to @Matrim's Dice for winning round 2!

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ghanderflaffle looks mildly disappointed at the lack of participants in this battle, but she grants the win to Preservation for a well written roast.

”Our next battle will hopefully be a touch more exciting. The participants are Kelsier, MeLaan, and the Stormfather! Good luck to you three, and please pay attention to the deadlines!” She looks pointedly at Kelsier when she says this, having heard about his reputation of arriving late.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Next battle! @Kingsdaughter613 as Kelsier, @DramaQueen as MeLaan, and @Nathrangking as Stormfather! 72 hours, which will be January 6, on Wednesday at 12:00 PM. Good luck! And if you need more time don’t be scared to ask! I’d rather push it back a day than only have one roast.

[Kingsdaughter613]

2 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Well done Matrim! As Reading hasn’t been on for a while and Salad was on recently enough to see both the start of the round and the reminder, I’m going to have to call this round at only one roast. So, congratulations to @Matrim's Dice for winning round 2!

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Ghanderflaffle looks mildly disappointed at the lack of participants in this battle, but she grants the win to Preservation for a well written roast.

”Our next battle will hopefully be a touch more exciting. The participants are Kelsier, MeLaan, and the Stormfather! Good luck to you three, and please pay attention to the deadlines!” She looks pointedly at Kelsier when she says this, having heard about his reputation of arriving late.

________________________________________________________________________________________________

Next battle! @Kingsdaughter613 as Kelsier, @DramaQueen as MeLaan, and @Nathrangking as Stormfather! 72 hours, which will be January 6, on Wednesday at 12:00 PM. Good luck! And if you need more time don’t be scared to ask! I’d rather push it back a day than only have one roast.

Can we intentionally allow Kell to give his late on the grounds that the character is always late?

[Ghanderflaffle]

20 minutes ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Can we intentionally allow Kell to give his late on the grounds that the character is always late?

By like 5 minutes. I’ll probably be in a class or at lunch at the due time anyways. 

[Kingsdaughter613]

4 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

By like 5 minutes. I’ll probably be in a class or at lunch at the due time anyways. 

I’ll send it to you via PM early in case I’m busy at 12 and forget, lol.

[Mat]

Aw, I wanted friends! Next round, I guess...

[Nathrangking]

Spoiler

*The skies darken and thunder roars with the might of ten thousand clashing blades. Spears of blinding light shreds the skies and shatters the darkness that covers the land. Winds as screaming of all of the dying troops on all of the battlefields of the cosmere. An expansive face appears in the heavens. A voice booms out from on high.*

Listen here you little fools.

I'm surprised that you don't desire to drool.

I ride the storms and bring the pain.

My winds shall cleanse you and brand you with my name.

Two lazy immortals challenge me.

All true challengers come and see.

 

Kelsier for an shadow who wishes to survive ,

Your instincts reveal that you are most unwise.

Death dogged your every day.

You put all of your friends were put at risk come what may. 

By accident you from the dead,

 without help you never could get ahead.

 

You blowhard mistborn who almost destroyed humankind,

Seem to barely have half a mind.

Fancy plots and noble balls,

will send you straight to the Tranquiline Halls.

Survivor is your self proclaimed title.

Alas, without Vin your name would be he whose plans do idle.

 

Melaan you irreverent slave.

Tell me what is it that you crave.

Belching seems to be your superpower.

In my storm you would not last an hour.

Go back to Wayne and his useless drivel.

By Honor's name keep your head on a swivel.

 

Spineless mistwraith born.

The day you were born in the day that all will mourn.

What claim have you on the spirit of a god?

You will go where only the dead have trod.

Off to Braize for your last adventure.

Not even Harmony can prevent that misadventure.

 

Scadrian crem return to Harmony.

You have earned my animosity.

Flee in fear if you value your lives.

One look at my awesomeness will burn out your eyes.

Retreat now and learn your place.

Before me you names are disgrace.

 

*The face disappears and the storm is gone. Thousands of spren circle and wait for the results of the competition.

 

[Kingsdaughter613]

Guys, officially this is not here until 12:05 PM on Wednesday, okay? Also, Kelsier’s name is pronounced Kel-see-ay in world, and he’s talking, so keep that in mind, alright?

Spoiler

The stage grows dim as the crowd waits. And waits. As they begin to stir irritably there is the sudden sound of glass shattering as figure soars through the now-broken skylight. A tasseled cape flutters about him, and mist flows from his body in elegant swirls. He lands lightly, head bowed, arms out, as the limelights ignite. The light reflects off the pale white scars lining his arms. He lifts his head, and the head of the steel spike in his right eye flashes almost menacingly.

Then he smiles, bright, happy, and throws back his head in laughter. Somehow, that is the most terrifying thing of all.

Kelsier! 
The North calls me Survivor. 
Lord of the Mists. 
But I’m reaching ever higher.

I’m a liar, a conman, 
A cheat and a thief. 
The South calls me Sovereign; 
They’ve named me their king!

But a planet’s too small; 
I’ll reach for the stars 
‘Cause mine is rising 
And it’s gonna go far!

People on worlds 
‘Cross the Cosmere 
When the talk’s of Secrets
It’s my name you’ll hear!

 

MeLaan, you’re a Kandra. 
You should know how to act. 
But you failed completely 
The lesson on tact.

I shouldn’t be surprised - 
Your teacher was TenSoon;
The Kandra who murdered
A member of my crew.

How does it feel to be 
Free of the Contract? 
‘Case you’ve forgotten, 
You owe me for that.

’Faceless Immortal’
Liked my Temple of Doom? 
Pity ‘bout the acid - 
‘Twould have been your Ruin.

(His voice becomes darker, taunting)

Harmony’s Pet, Hemalurgic creation; 
Careful where you stand. 
Lest I Soothe you mind and
Take Command.

(His voice goes, low, dark. The smile fades.)

You’ve held my Spearhead;
My power you can’t try. 
Just make the attempt. 
You’ll drown yourself in lye.

(He suddenly grins, the darkness vanishing. He winks at the audience as though to say it was all a joke, then continues on his tone light and playful once more.)

I have titles galore,
But my name is Kelsier. 
My friends I’ll Preserve;
My enemies I’ll slay.

Long ago I died
To set my people free.
I conned Preservation
Into Preserving me!

I’ve been a husband, a father
A leader, a friend.
To Preserve my home
Reality I’ll rend.

 

Sliver of Honor! 
I’m a Sliver of Preservation! 
Consider that before 
Telling me my station!

At least I’ve a mind;
You’re but a Spren.
Just a force of nature,
Circling yet again.

You say you’re changeless.
You don't ever strive.
But life is adaptation.
My Intent is to Survive.

Tanavast’s Shadow!
Let your Storm blow!
But it’s Cultivation’s Crem
Making plants grow!

(His voice grows fierce, his smile defiant.)

Blow Stormfather!
Blow, if you dare! 
This Sliver of Preservation 
Is more than mere air!

Where you throw rocks
And cling to your station,
I’ve defied my fate.
I’ve raised and razed nations!

(His smile fades, his face softening, becoming more contemplative.)

My name is Kelsier,
Born in a World if Ash.
I know what I am: 
Selfish, cruel and rash.

My people call me hero.
I’ve conned them yet again.
So close to the line...
On which side will I end?

(He shakes his head abruptly, laughing, his smile returning to his face. There’s something so inviting about it that the audience can’t help but smile in return.)

Does it really matter,
At the end of the day?
I’ll choose my own path;
Hold my own sway.

A matter of perspective - 
But remember my name. 
Hero or Villain...
I am always Kelsier!

He smiles brightly at the audience, gives a flourishing bow. Then the mist swirling off his body thickens, obscuring him, then the stage, until not even the brilliant limelights can pierce it. When the Mists finally fade the stage is empty.

 

 

Edited January 6, 2021 by Kingsdaughter613

[Shard of Reading]

6 hours ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Aw, I wanted friends! Next round, I guess...

Greatly sorry, I was on vacation. Wish I didn't miss it though. It would have been great.

[Ghanderflaffle]

19 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

  Reveal hidden contents

*The skies darken and thunder roars with the might of ten thousand clashing blades. Spears of blinding light shreds the skies and shatters the darkness that covers the land. Winds as screaming of all of the dying troops on all of the battlefields of the cosmere. An expansive face appears in the heavens. A voice booms out from on high.*

Listen here you little fools.

I'm surprised that you don't desire to drool.

I ride the storms and bring the pain.

My winds shall cleanse you and brand you with my name.

Two lazy immortals challenge me.

All true challengers come and see.

 

Kelsier for an shadow who wishes to survive ,

Your instincts reveal that you are most unwise.

Death dogged your every day.

You put all of your friends were put at risk come what may. 

By accident you from the dead,

 without help you never could get ahead.

 

You blowhard mistborn who almost destroyed humankind,

Seem to barely have half a mind.

Fancy plots and noble balls,

will send you straight to the Tranquiline Halls.

Survivor is your self proclaimed title.

Alas, without Vin your name would be he whose plans do idle.

 

Melaan you irreverent slave.

Tell me what is it that you crave.

Belching seems to be your superpower.

In my storm you would not last an hour.

Go back to Wayne and his useless drivel.

By Honor's name keep your head on a swivel.

 

Spineless mistwraith born.

The day you were born in the day that all will mourn.

What claim have you on the spirit of a god?

You will go where only the dead have trod.

Off to Braize for your last adventure.

Not even Harmony can prevent that misadventure.

 

Scadrian crem return to Harmony.

You have earned my animosity.

Flee in fear if you value your lives.

One look at my awesomeness will burn out your eyes.

Retreat now and learn your place.

Before me you names are disgrace.

 

*The face disappears and the storm is gone. Thousands of spren circle and wait for the results of the competition.

 

 

18 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Guys, officially this is not here until 12:05 PM on Wednesday, okay? Also, Kelsier’s name is pronounced Kel-see-ay in world, and he’s talking, so keep that in mind, alright?

  Reveal hidden contents

The stage grows dim as the crowd waits. And waits. As they begin to stir irritably there is the sudden sound of glass shattering as figure soars through the now-broken skylight. A tasseled cape flutters about him, and mist flows from his body in elegant swirls. He lands lightly, head bowed, arms out, as the limelights ignite. The light reflects off the pale white scars lining his arms. He lifts his head, and the head of the steel spike in his right eye flashes almost menacingly.

Then he smiles, bright, happy, and throws back his head in laughter. Somehow, that is the most terrifying thing of all.

Kelsier! 
The North calls me Survivor. 
Lord of the Mists. 
But I’m reaching ever higher.

I’m a liar, a conman, 
A cheat and a thief. 
The South calls me Sovereign; 
They’ve names me their king!

But a planet’s too small; 
I’ll reach for the stars 
‘Cause mine is rising 
And it’s gonna go far!

People on worlds 
‘Cross the Cosmere 
When the talks of Secrets
It’s my name you’ll hear!

 

MeLaan, you’re a Kandra. 
You should know how to act. 
But you failed completely 
The lesson on tact.

I shouldn’t be surprised - 
Your teacher was TenSoon;
The Kandra who murdered
A member of my crew.

How does it feel to be 
Free of the Contract? 
‘Case you’ve forgotten, 
You owe me for that.

’Faceless Immortal’
Liked my Temple of Doom? 
Pity ‘bout the acid - 
‘Twould have been your Ruin.

(His voice becomes darker, taunting)

Harmony’s Pet, Hemalurgic creation; 
Careful where you stand. 
Lest I Soothe you mind and
Take Command.

(His voice goes, low, dark. The smile fades.)

You’ve held my Spearhead;
My power you can’t try. 
Just make the attempt. 
You’ll drown yourself in lye.

(He suddenly grins, the darkness vanishing. He winks at the audience as though to say it was all a joke, then continues on his tone light and playful once more.)

I have titles galore,
But my name is Kelsier. 
My friends I’ll Preserve;
My enemies I’ll slay.

Long who I died
To set my people free.
I conned Preservation
Into Preserving me!

I’ve been a husband, a father
A leader, a friend.
To Preserve my home
Reality I’ll rend.

 

Sliver of Honor! 
I’m a Sliver of Preservation! 
Consider that before 
Telling me my station!

At least I’ve a mind;
You’re but a Spren.
Just a force of nature,
Circling yet again.

You say you’re changeless.
You don't ever strive.
But life is adaptation.
My Intent is to Survive.

Tanavast’s Shadow!
Let your Storm blow!
But it’s Cultivation’s Crem
Making plants grow!

(His voice grows fierce, his smile defiant.)

Blow Stormfather!
Blow, if you dare! 
This Sliver of Preservation 
Is more than mere air!

Where you throw rocks
And cling to your station,
I’ve defied my fate.
I’ve raised and razed nations!

(His smile fades, his face softening, becoming more contemplative.)

My name is Kelsier,
Born in a World if Ash.
I know what I am: 
Selfish, cruel and rash.

My people call me hero.
I’ve conned them yet again.
So close to the line...
On which side will I end?

(He shakes his head abruptly, laughing, his smile returning to his face. There’s something so inviting about it that the audience can’t help but smile in return.)

Does it really matter,
At the end of the day?
I’ll choose my own path;
Hold my own sway.

A matter of perspective - 
But remember my name. 
Hero or Villain...
I am always Kelsier!

He smiles brightly at the audience, gives a flourishing bow. Then the mist swirling off his body thickens, obscuring him, then the stage, until not even the brilliant limelights can pierce it. When the Mists finally fade the stage is empty.

 

 

Beautiful roasts to both of you! (Not officially, of course )

@DramaQueen you still have plenty of time, but I figured I’d mention you anyways.

[Kingsdaughter613]

@DramaQueen It’s Wednesday! Looking forward to your roast! Remember: you haven’t actually read mine yet!

[Ghanderflaffle]

Ghanderflaffle hops back on stage, looking rather annoyed at the property damage coming from this tournament. She waves at an assistant to pass out ballots, which have a name crossed off, another name written on top, then that name crossed off as well. 

“Time to vote! And I expect some help fixing things up from everyone who breaks something in this room.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here’s the voting link! 48 hours, as always! Well roasted to @Kingsdaughter613 and @Nathrangking

[Kingsdaughter613]

21 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Ghanderflaffle hops back on stage, looking rather annoyed at the property damage coming from this tournament. She waves at an assistant to pass out ballots, which have a name crossed off, another name written on top, then that name crossed off as well. 

“Time to vote! And I expect some help fixing things up from everyone who breaks something in this room.”

_______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Here’s the voting link! 48 hours, as always! Well roasted to @Kingsdaughter613 and @Nathrangking

Clearly, threatening the competition works... Well, Kelsier will think so anyway, seeing as MeLaan didn’t show up.

We are NOT allowed to vote for ourselves, right?

Edited January 6, 2021 by Kingsdaughter613

[Ghanderflaffle]

23 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

We are NOT allowed to vote for ourselves, right?

Correct.

[Kingsdaughter613]

23 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Correct.

Well, it’s been 48 hours... Can we have a winner before Shabbos?

[Ghanderflaffle]

On 1/8/2021 at 1:25 PM, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Well, it’s been 48 hours... Can we have a winner before Shabbos?

My bad, I was preparing for the speech meet I’m at. (Which means I don’t have time to add the little rp thing)

The winner for this round is @Kingsdaughter613! Congrats and thanks for playing @Nathrangking! I’ll announce the next round once I get home.

 

Ok! The next round will be @BreezeCauthon as Breeze, @Brightness Warrior as Kaladin (I just picked a random one as she never gave me a character), and, filling in, @Toaster Retribution as Nale. Your roasts are due on January 12th, Tuesday, by 11:00 AM CST. Good luck!

Edited January 10, 2021 by Ghanderflaffle

[Kingsdaughter613]

On 1/9/2021 at 0:38 PM, Ghanderflaffle said:

My bad, I was preparing for the speech meet I’m at. (Which means I don’t have time to add the little rp thing)

The winner for this round is @Kingsdaughter613! Congrats and thanks for playing @Nathrangking! I’ll announce the next round once I get home.

 

Ok! The next round will be @BreezeCauthon as Breeze, @Brightness Warrior as Kaladin (I just picked a random one as she never gave me a character), and, filling in, @Toaster Retribution as Nale. Your roasts are due on January 12th, Tuesday, by 11:00 AM CST. Good luck!

Up on the roof Kelsier smirks smugly at the Stormfather. “So much for hot air, Old Windbag. Now let’s see how the others do.”

[BreezeCauthon]

Well, here goes:

Spoiler

 

*The music begins. Breeze does that thing rappers do where they grunt and say random phrases at the start*

Unh

Yeah

My dear fellow

 

*Breeze beings rapping in earnest*

 

I did not come here to lose

And frankly I think that would be hard to do

After all, I'm me; I'm Breeze

The charming, the eloquent, the stylish tease

I could Soothe all Scadrial with the greatest of ease

 

My opponents, you say?

Pshaw, who are they?

 

Kaladin Stormblessed? Please!

Kaladin storming Less Than Me!

You Lash and you slash

You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around

All while upon other eye colors you do look down

And yet your Stormlight makes you one of them!

Really now, come on man!

Half of lighteyes is half of Stormlight

And the other half's a swear word.

If all this you haven't heard

Hear this, you quite odd bird:

Shoo!

 

I'm a cheerful man, I like to laugh

Unlike the one who I roasted last

But if you thought he was sad,

Just wait and see

This next guy is far worse, frightfully

 

Herald of Justice, his name is Nale.

Send a stampless letter through the mail

And doubtless you he will impale.

No pity, mercy, or common sense

Every mild offender their life he ends.

Joyless, scary, and clearly insane

Yet at the end of the day, quite inane.

Petty thieves and nobodies he slays

From guys like Taravangian he stays away.

He gives himself a license to kill

And yet simply I wonder still

Does he really have that authority?

Or has he broken the laws of every country?

This atrocious vigilante.

 

But enough of them

And more of me!

I'm the Counselor of Gods

The nobleman who helped the Skaa.

Outwardly I jest and laze

But if inside you would gaze

You would see a man

With a heart of gold

For amidst the cold

I bring warm Soothing.

 

*Breeze steps back, contemplatively, as the music fades. A thought strikes him, and he adds:*

 

Also, world, I gave you Wax

So I guess that there is also that.

If you're into that sort of thing.

 

*He's actually done now, and bows.*

My first ever... whatever this is!

Edited January 11, 2021 by BreezeCauthon

[Kingsdaughter613]

Kelsier claps Breeze on the back. “Nice job, Breeze! Here’s to a Scadrian victory.” He grins, winking as he offers his friend a glass of deep, red wine. “Last time I get you a drink, by the way.”

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine]

Blood and bloody ashes @BreezeCauthon that was soothing! 

4 hours ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Herald of Justice, his name is Nale.

Send a stampless letter through the mail

And doubtless you he will impale.

Hahaha, brilliant. I think Simon and Garfunkel said it best "I'd rather be hammered than be Nale" after that zinger. 

[Ghanderflaffle]

@Brightness Warrior @Toaster Retribution

Actually, neither one has been on since December. I’ll probably call this one early.

Edited January 12, 2021 by Ghanderflaffle

[BreezeCauthon]

14 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Kelsier claps Breeze on the back. “Nice job, Breeze! Here’s to a Scadrian victory.” He grins, winking as he offers his friend a glass of deep, red wine. “Last time I get you a drink, by the way.”

Breeze raises his glass to Kelsier. "Naturally, my dear fellow," he says, in response to both of Kelsier's statements.

[Kingsdaughter613]

1 minute ago, BreezeCauthon said:

Breeze raises his glass to Kelsier. "Naturally, my dear fellow," he says, in response to both of Kelsier's statements.

The two old friends sat backstage, sipping their wine together. “It’s been a long time, hasn’t it?” Kelsier said quietly. “Centuries, at least for me. And your grandson isn’t the sort to relax with a glass of wine. Far too uptight.”

[yeshevishman]

Hey all!  @Kingsdaughter613 invited me here.  I don't have time to go through this whole forum, so can someone give me a rundown of how this works?