Tournament: Cosmere Character Roast Battles

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

Alrighty! As I said, I’m trying something different this round. There is no need for anybody else to do this, it's mostly just to make it a little more fun. If you people don’t like it I won’t do it next round, but it sounded fun to me.

 

Ghanderflaffle stomps up onto the “stage,” which is actually just a bunch of boxes pushed together, and regards the people gathered here. “Man, I really need to do some renovations...” She thinks to herself as the various people turn towards the front.

“Welcome to the Cosmere Roast Battles! Thank you all for joining. Before we start, I need to lay down some ground rules. Number one, this is a neutral space. Nobody cares about what's happening on your home planets, keep the drama out of my rap battles.” She look towards a strange man in a blue uniform who's floating next to a tall, blond man with scars on his arms. “Number two, no excessive use of Investiture. There's too many types here for any showing off.” Ishefinally turn towards the Roshar crowd “And finally, keep the latest workings on Roshar out of all roasts. Thank you for your cooperation, and now we can being.”

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Ok! This tournament will be run in three rounds. The first round will have four battles made of three competitors each. Each person will roast both of the other people in their round. The second and third rounds will be 1v1. 

I am also establishing a new, not necessarily rule, but very strong suggestion this tournament and from now on. I ask that you please follow the entire tournament if you are able and vote on each battle. We never seem to have enough votes, especially in the later battles.

Another thing on voting, please don’t vote for yourself. I keep forgetting to tell you before the tournament starts, but this time I remembered so no excuses. 
 

Here's player list.

Spoiler

@Nathrangking-Stormfather

@Hentient-Silence Montane

@Somebody from Sel-Szeth

@Shard of Reading-Lopen

@Toaster Retribution-Nale

@Hoiditthroughthegrapevine-Vyre

@Kingsdaughter613-Kelsier

@Matrim's Dice-Preservation

@BreezeCauthon-Breeze

@Ookla the Shadowed-Sixth of the Dusk

@The Awakened Salad-Jasnah Kholin

@Brightness Warrior-Undefined

The first battle will be between @Toaster Retribution (Nale) @Hentient (Silence) and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine (Vyre). You will, as normal, have 3 days to write your roasts. I’m going to make it a little more specific this time, so you have 72 hours. So, your roasts are due on Sunday, December 27, at 12:00 PM (CST). Because of the holidays, if any of you three need this extended, let me know and I’ll be pretty flexible on it. Good luck!

Edited December 24, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[BreezeCauthon he/him]

Just an FYI, I won't have access to my computer from the 26th until January 1st, so I should probably be in the last battle. Looking forward to it!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

@Toaster Retribution @Hentient @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine don’t forget to post your roasts! (Or ask for more time)

 

And I still need a character from @Brightness Warrior.

Edited December 27, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[Hen she/her]

Hey Ghander! I'm working on mine, but could I have a little extension? Maybe till the end of the day? Sorry! 

[Mat he/him]

Wait, Ghander, so we’re clear... the new rules being enforced basically are no bragging about yourself?   

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

21 minutes ago, Matrim's Dice said:

Wait, Ghander, so we’re clear... the new rules being enforced basically are no bragging about yourself?   

Oh the stuff in the rp post weren’t really all that important.  The only one that actually meant anything was the Roshar one. I suppose I should’ve made that clearer. The only actually new “rules” are the voting ones.

[Hen she/her]

Alright heres my Roast! I'm looking forward to yours @Toaster Retribution and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine!!!!

Now presenting, SILENCE MONTANE!!!!

Spoiler

The audience sits in silence, waiting for one of the contestants to step up. waiting and waiting and...

"Well, If no one else wants to go, I guess its my turn then" 

Silence straightens from her spot leaning on the wall and limps toward the stage, taking the microphone from Ghander and sighing,

"Lets be honest here, I don't have much to say
Not much needs to be said. 
Vyre, Nale, I've heard about what happened on Roshar, 
But dont worry I wont spill, those are your secrets to tell.
Well then lets get started,
Vyre you sick-"

Silences Daughter runs up and cuts her off. They mumble to each other, and its difficult to hear but the irritated words of 'swear' and 'can't' filter through a few times. Eventually Silence sighs and nods, William Ann jumps off the stage.

"Vyre you sick, umm, not good person,
all you do is worsen the burden of those who are already hurting. 
So worried about your station you have an inclination towards causing excessive @Frustration
You refuse to acknowledge its your fault for the pain that you feel
News flash, without the bad you can never be glad for the good things you had. 
Your name is Moash not Vyre you- still not good person 
Own up to the things you did or heaven forbid I ever see you again, kid." 

Silence sighs once again, scowling toward Nale 

"You- uhg.  
I don't even know what to say. 
Words aren't a good enough tool to make you pay. 
Do you even feel remorse for the people you killed, simply because they were skilled? 
Those were good people you sentenced to death
Hunting them, waiting for their last breath. 
I ask you Herald, how do you sleep?
knowing the hole that you dug for yourself is so so deep? 
Trying to prevent a desolation- which you failed by the way- 
your insanity, it shapes you like a soggy piece of clay. 
Bah! I tire of this,"

Silence scowls at the audience,

"Cant you see that these two are villainous? 
I'm not perfect that's for sure,
but you can hardly call either of these two pure. 
I've got bills to pay
These two kill for the thrill of the prey."

Silence turns back toward her opponents,

"I've got three simple rules for you, do you think you can follow? 
1. Don't run from this fight, stand tall, and take what is right
2. Don't shy from the truth. Own up to what you've done or I'll make you one. by. one.
3. Don't you dare go easy on me. I may be old but I ain't no saint. I'm prepared to pay for that mistakes that I've made" 

Silence tosses the mic to the side and limps off the stage. William Ann snatches it before it hits to floor and runs it back over to Ghander.

 

Edited December 27, 2020 by Hentient

[Mat he/him]

56 minutes ago, Hentient said:

I've got bills to pay
These two kill for the thrill of the prey."

Ooooooh that’s a good one

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Great roast @Hentient!

Hey @Ghanderflaffle, I've been super busy with Christmas, I could get my roast in Monday afternoon, does that work?

 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

14 hours ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Great roast @Hentient!

Hey @Ghanderflaffle, I've been super busy with Christmas, I could get my roast in Monday afternoon, does that work?

 

Yep that's fine. Let's sayyy, by 5:00 PM central?

@Toaster Retribution this would also go for you.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

6 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Yep that's fine. Let's sayyy, by 5:00 PM central?

@Toaster Retribution this would also go for you.

Ohh, I'm so very close... How about 2:30 PST? 

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

3 minutes ago, Hoiditthroughthegrapevine said:

Ohh, I'm so very close... How about 2:30 PST? 

That's only a half hour difference, so I’ll leave it at 5 just in case Toaster can do a very last minute thing.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

Thanks @Ghanderflaffle for the extension!

I humbly present to you a thoroughly deplorable little number, that I think will incite much booing and enraged shaking of fists, so without further ado, here is the most hated man in the Cosmere doing his thing:

Spoiler

As Silence limps back to her seat a stagehand carrying a heavy stone statue dressed all in black sets the statue down on the stage. The members of the audience gasp as the hawk faced man performs a reverse lashing, infusing a small patch of the statue with faintly glowing light causing the microphone in Ghander's hand to streak towards him.

With little apparent concern he reaches out and grabs the microphone and a hush falls over the crowd.

"I thank you all for shutting the Brayse up,
You know I'm not here to kiss and make up,
You two faced, worthless human liars.
Your petty conquests and inane desires
End tonight 'cuz I ain't no liar.
I'm the One Who Quiets, Just call me Vyre.

So Ms. Montaigne just put a sock in it
From here on out it's Vyre rockin' it.
And Silence, you should really stick to that game,
Don't make me have to live up to my name..."

Vyre, flanked by 6 robed and hooded figures points up to the ceiling as a large beating heart lowers from the top of the stage. Jaunty, brassy, Broadway type music swells and rolls out over the crowd from Ashertmarn as the robed figures tear away their robes, revealing that they are in fact Singers as they link arms with Vyre in a dancing chorus line and sing:

"Weeeeelllll—We're going Badder,
that's right we're going Badder
We'll bring your civilization to it's knees
We're going Badder, we're going badder
We'll destroy you and do just as we please."

"It's truly incontestable that I'm thoroughly detestable
But even I know Humans are a disease"

"We'll push old ladies in the street,
We'll punch out every kid we meet
If that will help with your defeat
There 're no means to our ends will will demure
'Cuz for every disease there must surely be a cure!

We'll pile all your bodies on the pyre"
"And with singing heart I'll light the fire
Then at least your smoking bier
Will be quiet, 'cuz Hey, it's what I do, my name is Vyre"

"And yes you got it, we're going Badder, so much Badder
He killed a king as just the start"
"I kicked his kid to stab his heart,
But in death that king became a work of art".

The Alethi in the audience gasp as they realize that the statue Vyre carried in was Elokhar's funeral stature.

Titling his head back, Vyre slowly pulls out his honorblade from his mouth and then places the flat of the blade across his forearm, and with one leg raised begins spinning in whirling, ever tightening pirouettes around Elohkar's statue. As he spins his honorblade flicks out in a blur that's too fast to follow. The singers turn cartwheels, the music swells as chunks of stone fly from the statue. A Shanay-im descends from above the stage as Vyre's frenetic spin reaches a crescendo and then stops. Vyre, glowing with stormlight and Leshwi, glowing with voidlight look at each other as they place their hands on Elokhar's modified statue, infusing it with glowing light placing lashing upon lashing upon it. The glowing stone that now looks like a monumental pile of chull dung streaks up, crashing through the ceiling of the auditorium as Leshwi and Vyre float up into the air and out over the audience.

"That's right, wer'e going Badder,
We're so much Badder,
We thought that we'd start with Elokhar"
"But you'd have to be quite crazy, Or intellectually lazy
To think that you could hide anywhere with that scar"

The spotlights swivel and illuminate a Makabaki man in the audience below Leshi and Vyre with a crescent shaped scar on his cheek.

"The only thing I'll say about you, is that the curse they say is so true
Nale's nuts is really just a statement you can't misconstrue"

"But come on up here you crazy Herald,
The Singer's world it is imperiled,
We've got them now they're over-barrelled."

"Let's kick these human's now when they're down.
'Cuz we're the baddest two men in this town!"

Nalan, the Herald of Justice rises slowly from his seat. As he rises, with foot raised to knee and elbows bent with hands on hips, he spins slowly and gracefully. As he rises higher and higher he sings in even higher falsetto:

"We
Are
Gooooo-iiiing
BAAAAA-DDDDERRRR"

Fin.
Curtains close.

*EDIT* Put it in a spoiler tag for length and Roshar reasons, and fixed a couple typos while I was at it.

Edited December 29, 2020 by Hoiditthroughthegrapevine
Added spoiler tag and fixed typos.

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

That was possibly the most dramatic roast I’ve ever read. It was beautiful. (But maybe put it in a spoiler, for length and Roshar reasons)

Anyways, wonderfully done to both @Hentient and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Ghanderflaffle takes the discarded mic from where Vyre had left it, slightly bewildered. She looks up and shakes her head, then turns to regard the crowd.

”Well, that was an interesting first battle. We have seen performances from Silence Montane and Vyre, though sadly Nale was unable to make it. I ask now that you all vote on the winner of this first round using the pens and paper off to the side of the room. To the Vorin men, there are scribes for your benefit.”

Ghanderflaffle again looks to the hole in the roof before leaving the stage, letting the others vote.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's the link! It’ll be open for 48 hours! 

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

4 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

That was possibly the most dramatic roast I’ve ever read. It was beautiful. (But maybe put it in a spoiler, for length and Roshar reasons)

Anyways, wonderfully done to both @Hentient and @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine!

___________________________________________________________________________________

Ghanderflaffle takes the discarded mic from where Vyre had left it, slightly bewildered. She looks up and shakes her head, then turns to regard the crowd.

”Well, that was an interesting first battle. We have seen performances from Silence Montane and Vyre, though sadly Nale was unable to make it. I ask now that you all vote on the winner of this first round using the pens and paper off to the side of the room. To the Vorin men, there are scribes for your benefit.”

Ghanderflaffle again looks to the hole in the roof before leaving the stage, letting the others vote.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Here's the link! It’ll be open for 48 hours! 

Hey, did you say something about needing a fill-in for Exp? I might be able to do that, if you do!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

10 minutes ago, DramaQueen said:

Hey, did you say something about needing a fill-in for Exp? I might be able to do that, if you do!

Yea they haven’t been on in a while, so if they are still inactive when their round starts I’ll let you know! (They are currently in the last round, but I’ll keep you in mind even if they do show up and I need a filler for a later round as well!)

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

4 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

Yea they haven’t been on in a while, so if they are still inactive when their round starts I’ll let you know! (They are currently in the last round, but I’ll keep you in mind even if they do show up and I need a filler for a later round as well!)

Ok!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

After giving the various participants plenty of time to vote, Ghanderflaffle returns to the stage. She holds an envelope in her hand for the drama, but she clearly already knows who won.

”After much thought and consideration on your part, we have discovered our first winner of this tournament! And the winner is...” Ghanderflaffle fiddles with the envelope for a minute, taking an inordinately long time to build “suspense” and “drama.” She finally gets it open and claps her hands to her cheeks, acting shocked. “Vyre!”

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine for winning this battle by a single vote with their wonderful drama. Thanks for playing @Hentient, always a pleasure to read your roasts!

I’ll post the next battle tomorrow as it is already later than I normally stay up.

[Kingsdaughter613 she/her]

13 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

After giving the various participants plenty of time to vote, Ghanderflaffle returns to the stage. She holds an envelope in her hand for the drama, but she clearly already knows who won.

”After much thought and consideration on your part, we have discovered our first winner of this tournament! And the winner is...” Ghanderflaffle fiddles with the envelope for a minute, taking an inordinately long time to build “suspense” and “drama.” She finally gets it open and claps her hands to her cheeks, acting shocked. “Vyre!”

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine for winning this battle by a single vote with their wonderful drama. Thanks for playing @Hentient, always a pleasure to read your roasts!

I’ll post the next battle tomorrow as it is already later than I normally stay up.

Just a reminder: I can’t compete over the Sabbath.

[Nathrangking he/him]

23 minutes ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

After giving the various participants plenty of time to vote, Ghanderflaffle returns to the stage. She holds an envelope in her hand for the drama, but she clearly already knows who won.

”After much thought and consideration on your part, we have discovered our first winner of this tournament! And the winner is...” Ghanderflaffle fiddles with the envelope for a minute, taking an inordinately long time to build “suspense” and “drama.” She finally gets it open and claps her hands to her cheeks, acting shocked. “Vyre!”

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine for winning this battle by a single vote with their wonderful drama. Thanks for playing @Hentient, always a pleasure to read your roasts!

I’ll post the next battle tomorrow as it is already later than I normally stay up.

As a reminder Saturday and late Friday afternoons are times when I'll be unable to compete.

[+Hoiditthroughthegrapevine he/him]

1 hour ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

After giving the various participants plenty of time to vote, Ghanderflaffle returns to the stage. She holds an envelope in her hand for the drama, but she clearly already knows who won.

”After much thought and consideration on your part, we have discovered our first winner of this tournament! And the winner is...” Ghanderflaffle fiddles with the envelope for a minute, taking an inordinately long time to build “suspense” and “drama.” She finally gets it open and claps her hands to her cheeks, acting shocked. “Vyre!”

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Congrats to @Hoiditthroughthegrapevine for winning this battle by a single vote with their wonderful drama. Thanks for playing @Hentient, always a pleasure to read your roasts!

I’ll post the next battle tomorrow as it is already later than I normally stay up.

Thanks Ghander.

Your roast was fantastic @Hentient, looking forward to seeing more of your roasts!

Have to say @Toaster Retribution you could have Naled it. I was disappointed by the decided lack of vengeance seeking appliances in this round...

Excited to see the next round!!

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

12 hours ago, Nathrangking said:

As a reminder Saturday and late Friday afternoons are times when I'll be unable to compete.

 

12 hours ago, Kingsdaughter613 said:

Just a reminder: I can’t compete over the Sabbath.

I put you both in later rounds, so it should work. If not I’ll figure something out.

_________________________________________________________________________

After the congratulating conversations die down, Ghanderflaffle checks something written on her hand, squinting at it before speaking again.

”Yes, yes congrats to Vyre. Our next battle will consist of Lopen, Jasnah Kholin, and the Shard Preservation. You have the same time alllotment as the others, get to writing!”

__________________________________________________________________________

The next battle will be @Shard of Reading as Lopen, @Matrim's Dice as Preservation, and @The Awakened Salad as Jasnah. You will have 72 hours, just as the others (unless you need some more time with New Years and such) which means your roasts will be due Sunday, January 3rd at 11:00 AM (US central). Good luck to you three!

Edited December 31, 2020 by Ghanderflaffle

[Toaster Retribution he/him]

Sorry for missing this guys, haven't really been around the Shard that much in the last few weeks. 

@Hoiditthroughthegrapevine I would totally have naled it though... next time :-D

[Ghanderflaffle she/her]

19 hours ago, Toaster Retribution said:

Sorry for missing this guys, haven't really been around the Shard that much in the last few weeks. 

@Hoiditthroughthegrapevine I would totally have naled it though... next time :-D

With the holidays and everything I understand being busy. It’s starting to look like I’m going to need two fill-ins, if you are interested i would be willing to give you that opportunity since your round was pretty much right over Christmas.

@DramaQueen would you fill in for SfS? They were in the next round. (Since they haven’t roasted yet I would even let you pick your own character)

[DramaQueen she/he/neopronouns]

3 hours ago, Ghanderflaffle said:

With the holidays and everything I understand being busy. It’s starting to look like I’m going to need two fill-ins, if you are interested i would be willing to give you that opportunity since your round was pretty much right over Christmas.

@DramaQueen would you fill in for SfS? They were in the next round. (Since they haven’t roasted yet I would even let you pick your own character)

Sure! I'll use MeLaan.