Little_Dagger

Tress of the Emerald Sea spoiler: Wayne: Aria Stark but with hats instead of faces Raboniel: All I want is to kill my daughter...

As I go: P.1. “after I take the bus to school” – I was confused by why the bus to school brings him to the boundary (WRS?) were we introduced to F before? (also possibly WRS, haha) “candybirds” – weren’t they on the way to his own house too? “They look no different” – nice characterization of C P.2. “replay” should be “reply” “on earth” – oh, so it is a different planet, not just a hidden dimension on the same planet? P.3. Ok, so W’s uncles had fairy blood? Curious I am still very confused about N’s mom being around. I am pretty sure when we first meet him, he says his mother is dead (was he raised by a same-sex couple)? P.5. “a twin sister” – nice, I am intrigued (though not sure why magic is required to change appearance if N and H go to a human school with no problem) Oh, now I see that he has two mothers, never mind “She releases me,” – an extra comma P.6. I liked the info on glitter – it seemed odd back in chapter one P.7. “heart tree” is capitalized in one spot but not in another P.9. I am intrigued by the ritual! P.10. “Any human not raised by us has allegiance” – that’s a huge generalization. I would maybe phrase it along the lines of ‘most humans are easily scared by what they do not understand, and it is too big of a risk to trust one’. “That I’m willing to go” – nice hook P.12. “talk to this about“ – should be “talk to about this” P.14. “and after my mother healed Aaron” – it is phrased awkwardly, I think P.16. “It doesn’t affect your life” – that felt a bit too direct “widened” should be “widen” P.17. “when said he” should be “when he said he” “deep breath, and” – extra comma “smile makes is” should be “smile is” Overall: I think these are my favorite chapters so far! I was very engaged when reading and at some point, caught myself reading just for myself and not pausing to comment, haha. I liked W’s talk with A and the one after with N. The relationships became more complex here and that made me care about the characters by that much more. I am also glad to finally see the village and the grandmother. I am a bit unsure about the plan to kill MA with the ritual, since I doubt that he is the only one who knows about them at this point (like he surely has a team of scientists who produce the drug and other administrative staff) and besides, killing seems an extreme measure. I also think it could help explain who F and HK are, but it was not a big issue. Thanks for the experience!

Interesting read, as always! I don’t have many comments, but here are a few: - I liked how the visit to the warehouse was handled. At first, it seems like a useless waste of time, but when D explains she had actually learned everything she wanted from it, I had the “oh, this is cool and D is cool moment” - It let me see her skill as a PI. - I have a lot of fun reading the entries from the catalogs – the company does put effort into advertising, haha. - The old man at the desk seemed almost cartoonishly weird, but it did not put me off. I want to see him again and find out how deep that pretense goes. - The promise of P’s involvement does not work very well for me. She is constantly being forced on D in the middle of conversations, which doesn’t feel very natural, I think. - I also felt the change in Y’s attitude towards the fire was a bit sudden. In the beginning, she is almost ready to brandish weapons at D for mentioning it, while a page later she jokes and sting her tongue out like it’s no big deal. - It is also good to know that Y is officially part of the team now. Thanks for the sub! Looking forward to more!

Hi everyone, This week I am submitting the prologue of my story. I have been putting off sending it out for a while because I suspect it will likely be tweaked a million times before I am done with the book, but the next chapter has a POV switch that requires the reader to be familiar with these events. So, here we go.... I am curious what you all think because it is very different from what you have seen before. Also, let me know what you think about the pacing here and the magic description. Thanks!

Omg, can I like upvote your essay or smth?

I am a little late to the party, but here are my thoughts. First, I truly enjoy D’s voice. It is off-handedly sarcastic and got a lot of semi-chuckles out of me. Second, I liked that we got not just one case (the one with the silicon dildo), but also bigger threat coming up that is more of a moral obligation than a paid job. Third, I liked the hook about Y’s secret problems. It added depth to her and made me less critical of her. There were also a few things that did not work very well for me. I was a little confused by whether grandma’s crime was premediated or not. In the beginning of the chapter, Y says that grandma knew that the wood was toxic – and I took it as “knew all along”. But then later everyone seems to suggest it was an accident and even Y says, “It was an accident, right?”. It is a minor thing, but I actually had to come back and reread it again. There was also some talk about the city that seemed like a filler. Perhaps, it would be useful later (there would be a scene with Garlic Press or smth) but so far it seemed a bit out of place. Also, a dildo subscription seems a bit extra for N. Like, one-time gift for her grandson seems eccentric enough, but having seven more? If she knew they were toxic, she would not order them for herself, and hoping to give multiple to G and C doesn’t seem realistic. Overall, I am enjoying the unusual take on the detective story. That’s certainly something none of the hundred Sherlock Holmes spin-offs did, haha.

I would like a spot as well if we are not at capacity this week.

Understood. I will see what I can do to make sure there is no confusion about N's attachments. Both very good points, haha. And it seems like I am rusty at gardening! Thanks for the encouragement! It made my day brighter

Cool, then I am looking forward to finding out the reason!

Too complicated, haha. Just run their little brother with a spear in front of them and watch them self-destroy for four books.

As I go: P.1. “hand writing” should be “handwriting” P.2. “toppling another pile”- that’s good writing, I want to kick G on page two, haha “pouty look” – felt out of character “hoped he was standing” – nice P.6/7. Mouse hunting is really fun, though I wondered why there was no one with magic there to catch it in a more elegant manner. I don’t know what other magic is available apart from healing and fire, but the later could be - probably - used to herd the mouse to the bucket. P.8. “rouge” – rogue? P.9. “stress and worry in the air” – I didn’t feel the stress in the scene so far P.11. mmm.. weren’t they all like 15? Something about “Drink up kids!” felt off P.12. “held it… and kept holding it” – nice Overall: I enjoyed both chapters, though I felt like I lost R a little in the first. What I mean is the mouse scene could really belong to any POV and I think that perhaps a few lines of internal monologue could help with that (though it is really a very minor note). Also, my suspicion is that the mouse is a distraction for K to get into the library… At least, you made sure to mention multiple guards being in the room and not being where they are supposed to be. That seemed like they are not very good guards… (I had the same comment about Fergus – he let R go alone into a city - which is so obviously dangerous - because T hit him in the shoulder? They really need to train guards better). I liked the bar scene a lot – it was fun and cozy and without concern. I liked that you had a description of each song – it made me feel like I know the characters better. Were the thugs that attached them in the end the same ones they passed in the alley on the way to the bar? If so, it was a very premediated attack. Looking forward to more!

K if twenty five or so. And as for him leaving, I think it does not feel like an impactful farewell because I did not intend it to be one. He is literally in the next chapter, though in a new POV. It is a temporary farewell for these characters, though. Thanks for the comments!

OMG, this is so cool to think about! Can we stamp the ghostblood marewill tattoo on the wrist, like they do in some nightclubs instead of tickets?

Good idea, thanks!

As I go: P.1. the word “creep” is used very often P.2. I think questions about whether H could “pull it off” and how many times could be asked together, not separately P.3. “dragon-like” – cool image “of their skin”- “on” perhaps? P.4. mm, why is it so surprising that C is asleep? They had a busy night, after all. I felt like I am missing something here P.5. one “that” is extra in the first paragraph “signed” should be “sighed” “I’m not going to help you” – felt a little abrupt for me, considering C really liked the plan before P.6. “the black standing out” – a timely reminder of mila’s physical differences from humans. It is easy to forget how cool they are. The only thing I wondered about is how safe it is to wear a true form in the city square – yes, it is their neighborhood, but we saw outsiders there before (the rival gang and the policemen), so it strikes me as an unnecessary risk. P.7. “claws or fangs as he had last night” – seems strange these are off limits because some people naturally sharp canines or very thick nails. For example, my grandfather had a toenail that a hawk would be jelous of, haha. “a god” probably should be “gods” since there are thrones P.9. “not wishing involve” – missing “to” P.10. “I have long loved life in all its forms” – and yet drove A to kill those two tigers? P.12. “such an one” – should be “a” “constantly telling me what to do” – wasn’t M quiet most of the time? Overall: I liked that we got some lore in these chapters and I felt like C does – that something is fishy about M. If that was intentional – great, if not – perhaps something can be done to make M seem more reliable. I felt that conversation with H was a little long and that C’s method of research in the library is very incompetent (I know he is supposed to be poorly educated, but I would think he would be aware of his shortcomings and ask someone for help. Right now, searching for a book with M’s name on it in a library that takes up several city blocks seems like a fool’s errand.). But, as always, I enjoyed the style and the story, and am looking forward to more!

I ended up adding info about the Equator Counsel to one fo the previous chapters, actually, but since I did not resubmit them, it is probably confusing indeed. In short, it is a yearly political meeting between the two peoples of this planet - Voices of the Tides and Voiced of the Clouds. Yes, @Kais also pointed out that it came out very wrong. I will change it, thanks. And thank you for the rest of the comments - as always, good food for thought!

As I go: P.1. “entryway” – add comma after (acm) “into the” – misses a word “strain. My mother smiles a strained” – maybe use a synonym of strain here? “most certa” – there could be another explanation? P.2. “his head” - acm “back to Byron” – acm “nods thoughtfully” – acm ]” mother nods” – acm P.2/3/4 – a lot head shaking – just something I noticed P.3. One “dangerous” is extra “how paranoid” – she herself seemed to behave with similar fear of the government back at school, so strange that she thinks so of her mother now P.4. – “me and sighs” – acm “shaking my head” – acm “up to trying” should be “up for”, I think “As I pack” – acm “lets go of me” – acm P.5. I would remove the second “manage it” “resistance to send letters” should have ” after “in my mind”- acm P.5. “She writing” – “is” is missing “Byon” should be “Byron” P.9. “Coumpond” should be “Compound” “but it can’t hurt” – a nice touch here that reminds how dictatorial the society is “to river”? “as I walk down the hallway” twice seems redundant Overall: Yay, it was fun to come back to the story! I think the resistance vs government choice is handled better now, though I wish we had a sentence or two about why K thinks her experience would be different from G’s. Otherwise, it seems like wishful thinking on her part (though perhaps that is the intention?). I liked chapter two, though it felt somewhat strange that she was just dumped in the compound without any instructions. Looking forward to figuring out why. I smiled at the description of the first car ride. I imagine it can indeed be rather terrifying. Also, I am intrigued by the velvet thing. Thanks for the submission!

Hi everyone, Here is the next chapter of my story. As always, thank you for all the feedback and comments!

Thank you everyone for the feedback! As always, it is making my work better!

Me too, if possible!

Oh, I didn't realize there are four books! I am looking forward to them! Thanks for the clarifications - it is a fun magic system.

N is seventeen and B is twenty-two (introduced in chapters two and three, respectively). Do you think the age gap is too large?

As I go: P.1. confused about the significance of the beads “student’s” probably should be “students’” “inventory”? P.2/3. Is it “Ignis” or “Ingis” – both are on the page often P.3. “across his clothes soaking wet” – stumbled here P.4. – “How to win friends…” – I think I get the idea but had to pause to think about it (maybe WRS?) P.5. “bent with a few thousand years of age” – so Ancestor ghosts’ bodies change over the centuries? I assumed that like all usual ghosts they are frozen in the shape they had when they died… “Oh hello” – a very different between the first and the second intruders “Every” should not be capitalized P.7. “and then get to my lessons” – aren’t they over now? Overall: Great chapter! I enjoyed seeing a new POV and an example of the double powered magic users R was told about in the previous chapter. Is K related to the family R is researching I was a little lost in the beginning since I did not know the significance of heating beads, but that is probably something explained in book one, so likely not a problem. I love the magic system and really want to learn more! I had a few questions about the healing covenant: It is clear that if Z takes a life with his powers he also dies. But what about euthanasia? Is it possible to take a life if the person asks you to? Would the Ancestors punish him automatically, without a “trial”? (By the way, how does death happen? Do the Ancestors’ ghosts appear and kill him or the magic itself somehow does?) Also, what if Z enters a house and does not help an injured there (eg. he doesn’t have time, or the patient is the biggest baddest villain)? Is it also punishable by death? How much wiggle room is there in the Covenant? Thanks for the submission! I enjoyed it!

As I go: P.1. “cut” should be “cuts” P.2. “I’ll have family” article missing “what’s going on?” did not seem right in the conversation P.3. “I need up through” – stumbled here numbers are usually spelled, eg. “Algebra two” P.4. “You’re a nice person” – felt too cheesy for my taste “keep up motivation” – “the” is missing “of the way” – “the” is extra “until the final until” – stumbled here P.5. “I need to hang out” – indeed, haha P.6. “And I get to see someone” – a bit cheesy for me again “At first” and “eventually” should have commas after P.7. “I was expect” – “was” should be removed P.8. “Seriously, even when” – tenses to do seem to align P.9. “sensors they can put in the ocean to measure what’s happening” – very generic Should be “the ocean” and “trial and error” P.10. “I like hearing you talk” - a bit cheesy for me again “You’ll be the cool teacher” – nice P.11. “could be Niall’s mom” – wait, didn’t she die? P.12. “a human was around” – remove “was” P.15. H’s attack feels rather cruel, especially since we know he is a trained fighter and C is a human girl P.17. “I don’t treat people that way” – she was rather mean to A before, though General thoughts: In response to your first question, I think it is a good idea to have N and W spend some time together and build a deeper bond. Yet, I felt like the scenes here were a bit too cheesy for me (though, that’s only my preference). The conversation about sensors could be sharper, I think. Less generic. As for the second question, I felt like I do not know whether I should side with N or C at this point since I do not have enough information about the conflict. It seems N thinks C has a point, and her request to spend a day with his grandmother on her birthday does seem very reasonable. At the same time, H is outright furious with her, so… perhaps N is just self-deprecating as he often seems to be. Thanks for sharing!

Lol indeed, changed it immediately He was introduced in passing before as the youngest member of the crew and was also named during the telou fight. Thanks for the rest of the comments! I corrected the mistakes you mentioned. As for the formality of speech... well, I think I will leave it the way it is for now, and then do some studying of English slang and just informal dialogue. It is hard for me to naturally put it on a page, so it will take very deliberate tweaking.