Silk

Thanks! Things are going okay, but I guess my schedule is going to be a bit of a question mark for a while. Still hoping to get caught up soonish... Sorry for the late reply. @Ace of Hearts and @ginger_reckoning for this week!

Go ahead! Sorry I'm behind on submissions this week, there's been some family stuff going on in the background. It looks like it'll probably be okay, but I'm probably about to be more busy before I become less so, I'm afraid. Bear with me!

Sorry for my slow reply! The weekend got away from me. @Ace of Hearts @ginger_reckoning please go ahead.

This could potentially help, yes--and maybe shorter scenes, so it's clear we shouldn't be expecting as much detail as a full "detailed" scene? On the opposite side of the spectrum, the first thing that actually popped into my head was getting rid of a lot of the short scene breaks altogether, making it a single scene where it's clearly a summary of a long period of time with a few details peppered in. You could also/instead add an explanation that they're training over years or other bridging language (maybe you could work in something to address @Ace of Hearts's comments about why they're moving slowly to address what seems like the very immediate problem of S). Ultimately I think what I'm stumbling on right now is we get a bunch of short scenes with just enough detail that they feel like they're full scenes, rather than snippets in a montage, but don't quite get enough information to make them function as full scenes, so I was wondering why we weren't getting enough information but it took me too long to get the signal that this was a montage. There are a bunch of ways you could fix that. Or, totally off-the-cuff idea that may get way too far into structural stuff you don't want to change (especially since I've only read these few chapters you've submitted! but also, feel free to discard this kind of prescriptive suggestion if it's not useful for you): what if the training montage was turned into a prologue and Chapter 1 actually starts when the characters are ready to do their thing?

How common is the bone juice? (Ugh, it sounds like something totally different from what you meant when I phrase it like that.) Is it something that A might expect people to be able to brew up, or does it indicate some special knowledge on L’s part? P5 “…close your eyes. Tell me what you see.” Until L clarifies in the next sentence, this is a somewhat baffling instruction… P7 so I’m wondering how legit L is in her kindness, or if she’s just using A. P7 “She understood why L needed a disguise, but why her?” I was surprised by this sentiment considering she’s from a group of people who are ostracized because of their disease. I’m curious how much time has passed since the last chapter. P9 “…lounging on her cloud” this makes me much more suspicious of L. She’s certainly not terribly considerate of A. P11 “she knew what she would see if she looked at it.” Maybe WRS, but I’m missing why this is supposed to be ominous. We seem to be moving pretty quickly from scene to scene. By the time we get to the bit with L reading from the tablet of R, I’m starting to feel this is a bit too easy. Edit: Ah, it looks like they weren’t supposed to be there! A bit more buildup to that and/or them getting out might help. But then again the scene is over fairly quickly and easily too. P13 “if S ate yet another town…” this implies that there have been multiple towns, not just where A came from. It feels like we’re skipping over a lot! P14 “…an impossibly long snake from her throat.” Gross. But also, very effective. I’m very curious as to how A thinks they’re going to stop this thing, though. Do they have any understanding of how to fight it? What’s been tried and failed? Has anything they’ve done been successful? L’s encountered it before, right? P17 So uh… I’m just going to assume the Dragon Ball Z reference here is on purpose. I mean, even I got it. Overall: I enjoyed the little snippets of various scenes that we got, but it felt like we were skipping over things much too quickly get a full story—or maybe lingering too long for it to be a montage. I like the little bits and pieces we got but by the end of the sub, really wanted more detail on how they are doing what they’re doing, what their plan is, how much of a chance they actually think they have, etc.

Please do! Any other takers?

P1: I’m enjoying the tone of the writing, but wondering throughout the prologue who the narrator is, since it doesn’t seem to be attached to any particular person or perspective. Also, the writing seems to drift a bit between past and present tense. P3: I was surprised to find we were still in the prologue after the scene break – especially since the tone of the writing does seem to shift a bit here (attached to a specific character, a little less emphasis on the humour). P11: I had figured out that this was S, but was surprised you dropped the name, since A presumably wouldn’t have this information, and so far this chapter has been presented as a limited rather than omniscient POV. P12: Except maybe the reference to “simmered” on the last page (which I imagined as a visual effect, bu first I thought I’d misread!) this remark to “call[ing] a swarm of bats and owls” is I think the first reference to music also being magic. As I’m reading, I’m realizing this is probably the scene referenced in the first line of the chapter about A watching all her loved ones be devoured. I hadn’t realized we were essentially going back in time to witness this. Overall: I enjoyed this! Without having read the whole or at least a substantial part of the book, it’s hard to advise whether or not something should be cut. I thought it worked just fine as a hook, though as mentioned the transition between the two scenes was a bit jarring for me, and there is probably room for a little line editing/trimming. I did notice that the humour seemed to become less apparent in the second scene of the prologue and especially the first chapter, which is probably fine as long as it’s on purpose. By the first chapter, what humour there was seemed to be mostly the insouciant interactions between L and S, rather than the voice of the writing itself. I’m terrible at titling things so I’ll refrain from commenting but I do love “evil hivemind buddycop” as a premise.

This all makes sense, was just stuff I stumbled on reading. It might be worth clearing up especially if you have other readers who stumble in the same places. For this one, I got here so it might be fine, just had a moment of hesitancy while reading. Could probably clear this one up easily with a reference to the pointy end of the statue, or similar? It's now been a minute since I read it so I don't remember if the statues are ever described as having sharp points. I think my confusion here was I wasn't sure what caused the reaction, i.e. if it was already smoking, if it was because it came into contact with the vampire, etc. I like this idea, and this seemed very clear to me early on--partly because you mentioned that consuming the blood of people with alliums in their system would lead to a bad allergic reaction for the vampire. My confusion came when the vampires came in and this didn't seem to have the effect that you'd mentioned earlier, I became unsure whether it was misdirection, like an unreliable/misinformed narrator situation.

Penultimate submission—so close to the end!! I like the soldiers exploring their unfettered abilities, but I’m surprised they have as much time as Xan and T seem to be spending here. I thought the monster attack was not just imminent, but underway. P3 “We’ll fight for a bit longer.” This makes me curious about areas of retreat/the layout of the battlefield. Are they able to retreat but choosing not to to try and keep the monsters off of innocent people? I’m also curious about how many monsters there are, since they seem to be focusing on taking down individual ones. I’m just missing a sense of scale and how hopeless this should feel, I think. “Pall…?” But Xan already knows M, doesn’t he? And if the resemblance to P is that obvious, why has no one spotted it before? P6 “I know these rats murdered G…” surprised B seems to be attempting to capitulate to L here. She’s been pretty openly villainous up to this point, and hasn’t seemed to answer to anyone in particular. Overall: This was a surprisingly non-violent resolution! Which I think could work, but I did feel like B gave up rather easily here, even though you’ve been foreshadowing this for a bit. Regardless of the “peaceful” (hah) resolution here, I think I was hoping to see a bit more resistance out of the main villain, instead of just telling her a bunch of stuff she didn’t want to hear until she went away. Which I think comes back to setup again—you’ll see in my LBLs I was a little confused about where B actually fit in this organization (or where she was pretending to fit, maybe—not to mention, how many people in this room know what she actually is, and what’s the significance of that to them)? A better understanding of the ministerial politics and where B fits in that picture would probably help this resolution feel more significant. I had assumed there was more to come on this but I think that's a good point, if not resolved in the next/last submission especially. But making a little more of the fight could be a fun juxtaposition with the events in A's scene, too.

Sounds good! You're up along with @ginger_reckoning.

Welcome back @jamesbondsmith! Sorry I didn't get to this in time for the competition, but I hope this is helpful if you decide to do anything further with the story. I read the slightly updated version you provided me over email. P2 “Didn’t mean he wouldn’t spray his hands right after though.” Wasn’t sure what was meant here—spray his hands with what? Why? P3 “the deadly words of employment” also not sure what this means. Is this the thing where you’re just resisting the urge to tell your boss to eff off? P4 “…his long-winded spiel about his latest achievement.” Heh. This is a great, efficient illustration of who this side character is in not many words. P5 “incinerating one of the vampires in a flash” – this was much more effective than I would have suspected! P6 “…as the vampire’s own speed and strength forced the wooden stake…” Two questions: I thought she was holding a statue? And, did this vampire just throw himself on her weapon? The word “m*rons” is a slur (something I learned only a couple years ago myself!). Doesn’t mean you can’t use it, of course, but FYI. P7 “…the smoking liquid” did someone set the pickling brine on fire somehow? If so I missed that. “He grabbed his sandwich…” he grabs his sandwich twice in this paragraph. I love the tongue-in-cheek of the last line. There are a few lines read with a similar sardonic humour, but definitely not the whole thing. Depending on the tone you’re going for, this could potentially be leaned into a little more (or less!) Overall: I enjoyed the piece, it read well for the most part. I do think there may be room for a little trimming here and there, particularly in the first couple pages—the details about how the restaurant works were vivid and good scene setting, but went on just long enough that my attention started to wander a bit. My major curiosity in the early bit was trying to figure out what “the apprentice” actually does, as he isn’t given a specific place in the restaurant at any point, though he apparently could have been a head cook? I figured it out before the ending of the piece where it’s clarified, so I think this mostly works, but a few more hints at what he does in the first few pages might be helpful and serve to keep readers engaged. The other thing I wondered about was whether the common vampire repellants—garlic, crucifixes, etc, actually work? The piece seems to hint that they don’t, since the vampires we see don’t seem to have much of a problem with either. If they don’t work, is that something the apprentice knows about? As far as I know this wouldn't cause any copyright issues (though I'm not an expert) but if I were a reader and encountered the same line in two stories by the same author it would definitely catch my attention as odd. Maybe change the line so that it reads as clearly a reference but not an exact copy?

p1 "You barbarians broke the console" - I thought G had tapped into their headsets? They've already stated outright that this happened. p3 "You're fighting a child down there." Wait, is M fighting A, or C? I'm also confused as to whether A is looking at M through the psyglass floor or they're in the same physical space. Some clarification on the blocking and overall physicality would be helpful. p9 "D had died for nothing." Another point of confusion here: is he actually dead ? his exoskeleton has shattered, but the last line focusing on him made it seem like he was still alive, if only for the moment. Edit: Ah, I see this is addressed a few lines later. Still, maybe make it "he was dying" or "was going to die" or similar, for clarity's sake? "...his body vanishing to sparkles" Wait is this how people usually die? Because if so... I missed that. Overall: I like the conclusion that A finally comes to in this chapter, but it feels a little artificial - I think maybe there is just a missing stepping stone for A to come to the conclusion she finally does about how to defeat B, something that comes from somewhere other than her own mind. Even if it's just seeing monsters ready to overrun the townsfolk or something, just to give her a nudge. My other stumbling block here was that this felt somewhat repetitive compared to the last chapter, where A was also still struggling against B and felt hopeless about trying to break down her ideology. One option would be to combine the two chapters so it feels like we don't get the same arc twice in a row. Another option might be to have A come to the conclusion she does earlier in the chapter and change the focus so that she's trying to get away from B to put her new plan into action. Otherwise it just feels like we hit the same emotional beat twice. No concerns other than that! I think this will all shape up to an exciting conclusion once you've had the chance to smooth out the earlier bits to support the climax.

Welcome back! I enjoyed the story and didn’t think there were any obvious targets for shedding word count. You could certainly go through and give it a general line-by-line trim, as a few words here and there will add up over the course of the story and there are definitely a few opportunities, just nothing that especially sticks out. I did find that at a few points through the story—particularly but not only right after the scene break—that I wasn’t sure how much time had passed. I was surprised when the man with the gun arrived to find that the Omelas child was an adult now. But there are other also points in the story where the narrative suggests that weeks or longer have passed but the language still feels very immediate. (It takes her weeks to bathe the kid?) I think the others have sort of gotten at this as well, but I also wasn’t sure what conclusion, or question, I was supposed to come to based on the story (am I supposed to sympathize with them for having run away? Think they did the right thing? Think this is another version of Omelas in miniature?) but I’m not convinced that’s a problem for the story, just wanted to note that I didn’t come away like I was really strongly swayed in one direction or another. And, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with counting on people having read Omelas. If nothing else, there was an excellent story in Clarksworld earlier this year riffing on the same story (trigger warning for a whole bunch of child violence—no, more than you’re expecting from the title of the thing—but the story itself is fantastic).

Hmm, it would be best to stick with next Monday if you're not looking at submitting before Wednesday. I know folks have mentioned before that the Monday seems to work best in terms of giving them time to review, so with things starting to pick back up again we should try to stick to that as much as possible. Exception would be if you are working toward a deadline that requires a quick turnaround

P2 “…would let G know C was missing…” Hmm, not totally sure I buy this as an excuse not to act, since G can tap their comms anyway. I would assume she can also track C? P4 “…this one the power to shape J and Ix.” Is “this one” Hex, or B? I’m not fully sure what H’s role is, so far it seems like he’s been acting on orders rather than leading/shaping the conspiracy. P6 “…the light of the weapons and exoskeleton was dimmer.” I feel like A just came to this realization about her own exoskeleton just a couple paragraphs ago, having her come to the same realization about Hex feels redundant. P10 “…but I have to my end of the deal now.” Missing word? “He was going for M.” Partly WRS, but this was a surprise since they’ve been absent this whole chapter so far. “He let out a scream in her earpiece” I just realized, does this mean they’ve all been on a common channel this whole time? Or has H been speaking to A because he’s been able to tap her communications? P12 “…wasn’t that supposed to require doomspeaking?” I’m unsure why this is a surprise for A. P13 “I saved this soldier from violent death…” Wait, where actually did Hex go? P15 “A saw them turned, which must be towards C.” Stumbled on this line. I think there’s a grammar thing but also just a quick clarity thing that needs addressing. Overall: Aside from some clarity on blocking, who’s where and doing what, etc., I think you’re right that probably this chapter will not require many changes, I think it will be more about making changes in previous chapters to support the build-up to us getting here. I am curious about what will finally (presumably) sow the seeds of A and team’s breakthrough that allows them to defeat B, because I’m not sure what that thing is yet, but we also don’t seem to have been set up for a “good guys lose” scenario. I would agree with Mandamon as well. Of the two, Hex seems to be the stronger villain in this chapter. We have a bit of a hint about B's conflict with her brother (who A is a clone of) but it doesn't quite come through yet.