Ace of Hearts

Overall: This chapter helps me understand C’s position better and there’s the workings of some good emotional character hooks with how he feels about his family. From context it seems like the funeral is for his mom, which if true could probably be stated outright, and this has a good opportunity to draw people connected to C together. What I feel like this chapter is missing is an inciting incident and overall plot threads. When I ask myself why it’s important that the story starts here and what the rest of the story will be about, I’m not quite able to answer them. Or in another way, this feels more like a bunch of scenes telling us about C’s background than the start of his journey, if that makes sense. In my LBLs I mention that the character introductions don’t have a strong impact on me for this reason; it’s cool that C is being pushed back into proximity with family and old friends but without knowing the stakes of how they tie into the larger plot the investment isn’t there from my end. As I go: Pg 1. This is a good start to an emotional character hook, and I think the first line pretty much conveys it all. The scene doesn’t really move throughout the rest of the page. Pg 2. On the one hand I like the lack of exposition compared to the prologue, but on the other hand I think we need a bit more of an intro to F-K. We know they’re his mentor; what else stands out about them? Pg 4. The main point I’m taking from this is that the highest farseer is coming, but I a bit more specificity as to why this is important. Like obviously it’s a big deal for an important person to show up, but I need more hints as to how this is kicking off the plot. Pg 6-7. I’m still not getting a good feel for the plot/inciting incident. There’s a funeral and some ceremonies mentioned, but that alone isn’t momentous enough to kick off a whole story with the context we have. Pg 10. I think the main thing I need from V’s character introduction is a tie-in to the plot to make his role feel necessary. Once I have a clearer picture of the plot I think a lot of these pieces fit together better. Pg 12. Same comment as above. The father showing up is a promising character hook but without an idea of what it means for the larger plot it’s hard for me to get invested.

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last time! Today we're heading to the buildup to the climax with a bit of a shorter submission--there are probably four or five submissions left after this one. Thanks!

I'll have a slot too please!

Welcome (even though I’m late to the party)! It’s always nice to see new faces (not that I’m a grizzled veteran at this or anything), and it’s nice to have someone to critique since I’ve been the only one regularly submitting for the past few months. I really hope you find the feedback useful and continue getting critiques from us! Overall: This prologue has a solid emotional foundation of a mother leaving her child to go to war, and what I didn’t get as good of a feel for was the larger situation. The humans are invading this fantasy race, but I don’t feel like I have a good idea of what that looks like or why D feels that she specifically has to go. I’m also not sure what makes the people here different from humans in terms of physiology or culture. The tricky part is that I also feel like there’s a lot of exposition here and I don’t recommend adding any more, so the challenge is to clarify the larger situation through refining what’s here instead of adding a lot more explanation or dialogue about it. As I go: Pg 1. A piece of advice I received in a creative writing class is to (as a general rule) make sure the opening paragraph has an interaction between characters rather than focusing only on one and has something striking/out of place that draws readers in. If I pick this up in the bookstore I’m not sure why I should buy this book specifically over all the other high fantasy out there. Pg 3. I see that the characters are emotional so it seems like this is important. I think I need a bit more characterization/background for this emotion to hit home—with the difficult balance that I also think that there’s a lot of exposition that can be cut back here. Pg 5-6. Now in C’s PoV I’m starting to piece a few more things together—I think the conflict of mother leaving her son is a good foundation, but I’m still having trouble getting a feel for the bigger picture here. Pg 7. The implication that D killed the human is an interesting one. Again I like the pieces here and I need a bit of help putting them together to get a feel for the situation. Pg 8. So D is leaving to go off to war? I’m guessing that was what the conversation early on was about but I didn’t quite understand at the time. Pg 9-10. How old is C?

Hi everyone, We're moving into the emotional buildup for the climax. Feedback thus far is that the way the story focuses on each of the soldiers and their one interest doesn't feel the most effective, so feel free to skim over those sections assuming that holds true here as well. The interpersonal relationship I'm more curious about is the one between A and M. The story is structured to focus on one of A's interpersonal relationships per part (P in part 1 and Am in part 2), and M is the one here for part 3. I'm guessing that the story can do more to tie their relationship into the primary plot of stopping B, but other than that I'd like to hear how it comes across. Thanks as always!

Hi @Silk I know I'm late but could I submit for this week?

Hi everyone, Thanks for the feedback last submission! We're at the midpoint conflict for part 3, so pretty soon we'll be heading to the climax. I'm guessing that some of the same comments about pacing/clarity will continue here, so feel free to skim if you hit those points (I've learned my brain works better doing big edits after submitting the whole novel so these remaining submissions won't be tweaked much before you see them). Thanks!

Hi @Silk! I'd like a slot for tomorrow please (back from vacation and ready to get back in the rhythm of submitting)

Hi everyone, We're back in A's PoV this time, with this chapter focusing on the buildup to the big midpoint crisis of the act. Not many other comments this time, so I'll cut myself off there. Thanks!

I'll have another slot for tomorrow, please!

Hi everyone, I'm back with another submission. Parts of the climax and resolution play off the ideas presented in this chapter, but I'm worried that it's too expository/dense/confusing here so I'm curious to see what people think. Thanks as always!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone! Thanks for the feedback last time. This week we have a new PoV character. Based on previous feedback some of the side characters that show up here probably aren't going to ring any bells like they're supposed to, which I have larger plans to work on in revisions. Mostly what I'm curious about is the pacing and how X comes across as a PoV character. Thanks!

I'll have a slot for tomorrow please @Silk!

Hi everyone, I was feeling a bit under the weather last week so decided to take it off from submitting, but I'm back with another submission. Thanks as always for the comments on the previous one! This chapter deals with a lot of the same threads as last time--particularly A's relationship with M and the discussion of gender. I'm curious to hear how they come across, and if there are other aspects of those dynamics that need more setup. Thanks!