strange24

It was a nice chapter! I especially liked the end part when they realised the urgency of the situation because Bell was coming. What I think could have helped this chapter was if it was longer, however. Some scenes went by so fast it felt quite rushed. A’s goodbye to her mother and Lil flashed by like it didn’t mean much. Moments like those seem emotionally significant enough to A that we want to see how they play out. As these chapters are about building up to the climax of the story I’m not certain that having the details of how the technology works fits here. It breaks from building the tension and didn’t help me feel any connection to the characters. But like I said towards the end the tension grew stronger and I felt like I was in the character's shoes. Good work!

Heyo everyone! Thanks for all the feedback on the prologue. It helped me a lot and gave me things to work on.

Hi @Silk on the 15th can I submit?

It is the names like Wraithbone and Craftworld that make it confusing? My desire to just throw the reader in the middle of the actions and let the world slowly uncover was a bit to extreme it seems.

Thanks for having me and thanks for the feedback! Now in hindsight the random name-dropping of worldbuilding is something I did absent-mindedly without realising how much attention they stole from the characters. As I rewrite I'll remove or reword them to give the reader fewer question marks in the heads. This chapter's ideal purpose was to make the reader care about Calrion and his journey + give mysteries and themes the wanna read more about. But I can see the worldbuilding taking up too much space. The only specific thing I can say I want critique on is the characters. But any criticism of the story is good for me!

I liked the chapter! It’s nice to have segments that are just characters talking things through and reflecting on what has happened. However, while reading the dialogue scenes it's hard to tell the difference between the characters. They all shared a lot of sentence structure and word choice. A lack of body language for them didn’t help. It was a stiff feeling to the conversation and found myself detached from what their speaking of. The big revelations that have these huge emotional effects on the character weren’t given the breathing room to land or give an impact. But the last segment between A and M was really sweet in the end. The more wordy descriptions of their conversations gave their words the weight it needed. The child-like sincerity between them was touching I look forward to seeing what their planning will lead up to, with the doomspe Good job!

Hello everybody! My Farseer (WIP name) is a Romance, Sci-Fi and Adventure/Drama story. I wanna start by saying that I'm not a very experienced writer and this is one of my first serious attempts at creative writing. My greatest hope for this story is just to become a better writer. Another important thing about this story is that I can't claim that the setting is mine. It's a fuzzy line as most of the details come from me but the bigger concepts are from warhammer. As part of the practice, I write for a reader completely unfamiliar with the IP. The characters and plot are my own. I apologise for all the grammar and thanks for reading!

Hey @Silk on July 8th can I submit the beginning of a story?

Was writing the feedback to chapter 4 when 5 droped so this a combo for both. Chapter 4 was really the one who brought me into the story. A finally feeling a connection to Palla by proving her genuine care by her actions in the battle and Palla opening up because of a new found respect for her was a nice payoff of the tension between them. It didn’t feel like too much too fast, they still kept a distance between each other and their friendliness had certain professionalism to it. That relationship is progressing and not growing stagnant in an old dynamic makes it fresh to read. But said battle carried little weight and didn’t bring any atmosphere of danger or urgency. The characters were in life and death scenarios but it didn’t feel like they would get hurt. It was hard to understand the scale of the battle or what was at stake. It was hard to empathise with the characters when I didn’t get why they fought or what they were up against. The monster themself had some interesting descriptions. That they weren’t the average behemoth monster something crystalised gave me the image that they were something quite beautiful. It feel they have more character to them. Referring to them did however take away some of their menace, might just be me but when I hear fish I just think of a normal salmon. Seeing the As decision from the battle have payoffs in chapter 5 and have further complications down the line. The team going from background names to more fleshed out personalities with their own perspectives and relationships to each other. The dialog between A and most of the character feels organic except when they reach the exposition. A has a pattern of becoming a question machine that just asks the right questions to get the reader up to speed. A can also feel a bit personality free and just a vehicle for the reader to experience the story. Bellas extremely modern talking style felt out of place in this world. Using ‘tiger’ in that way feels off, when the atmosphere is ‘to-days society is almost forgotten’. Chapter 5 is probably my favourite so far. It expanding the world and character and setting up the more plot points and character arcs, it made me want to read more. Palla and the team having more agency in the story making and having a Palla pov, makes the world feel bigger than just A.

First time giving critique here, so sorry if I do anything wrong. The interactions between A and the rest of the characters were fun to read and what I felt was the high points of the chapter. There was a nice double meaning and show-don't-tell to them. Especially with Palla and Lila. I got a sense of their personalities and relation to A without the texts needing to state it outright and they seem to have a rather fun dynamic. Lila seems far younger but it’s clear she could outwit A with little problem and has a wisdom to her that she almost plays with like a toy. The little I read of Lila she still gives quite the impression. The underlying tension between A and Palla was interesting to read. That Palla can speak so politely but it all being lies gives a fun conflict between A and him. On the topic of interactions: feel the prose was the strongest when the characters where in conversation with one another. The description of their body language and intonation gave some subtle info to the mode and feelings being felt. There was bit of confusion with the world building but the further I read the less of a hindrance it became for the story. Probably felt this because this was the first chapter I read. It had it’s shakey moment’s where I wasn’t invested in what was happening but in the end it really gripped me. One example of when I was feeling lost was when the story was concerned with the nuance detailed of the military gear. I personally never really care for the intricacies of weaponry in stories so it might be a me-thing and for all I know all of this info could have pivotal plot relevance later on. But as it stands, it feels more like a list of abilities that aren’t crucial to know now. If there is one thing about the prose that kept me from the story was the lack of environment descriptions. From the beginning to end I didn’t really have a grasp on what kind of a setting the characters where in and how the world looked or felt. Like when A travelled to her mothers home and we as readers got next to nothing on how that home looked or any details about it. There was a sense of being ungrounded in the world. (The ending however, when A concludes she has less time then she thought cus Palla might try to run away if she isn’t fast enough gives the story a nice sense of urgency) Overall it was a nice chapter, even if I came into it without knowing the previous chapters I had no problem following the plot or getting invested in the characters. Hope what I said helped! BTW I’m not a native english speaker so sorry for any misspellings.

Found this forum through the writing excuse podcast, which I in turn through Brandon Sandersons youtube lectures. Not a native english speaker but I try my best hahah. Been drawing since I was small and I suspect that I am and will always be a better artist than writer. But hey! Atleast I can make my own fan art Right now in school for game graphics and can at most spend time on my writing on my free time. Don't know if writing books will become a career for me but I do have a passion for story telling and have been wanting to improve my craft for a while. In the middle of a writing project that is probably faaar too big for me but I keep on. Duller than grey rock when it comes to books. Remember liking War Horse by Michael Morpurgo and the Earthsea book by Ursula K. Le Guin.