Sarah B

Just a few line by lines: Double use of 'City' in the first sentence Re education explanation felt a little repetitive. "J's won't turn me in" minor typo "All my life I've been taught the Gs are perfect, but now I'm not so sure." It didn't seem like the MC thought the Gs were perfect at any point in the story, is she refering to early childhood vs now? Like @ginger_reckoning, I had a hard time picturing how someone could stay hidden that small of a space with two other people. My reader brain eventually supplied that there must have been a larger inner carvern. I liked the pacing in these chapters, it feels like there is a wide world with lots of story to tell. I'm looking foreward to the next chapter. Thanks for sharing!

Sorry I missed the first chapter! Jumping in at this point: The castle was a great anchor to tell me what kind of world and story to expect, and this was delivered on later. The guard bound by vines was the most striking visual for me. I'm assuming I missed something from the first sub about how and why humans are normally brought here, but this was a nice teaser. A couple minor line by lines: "The F never died of illness..." I love this concept and the tone, but the sentence was a little convoluted. "...hadn't been using their legal name, were still here, or (were) dead." From what I have read, Ae is immediatly likeable as a well intentioned and likely in over Xer head character. I wonder if this chapter feels off because it's a little light in sensory description besides sight? Not sure, just a guess. Thanks for sharing!

Welcome! If this is a first draft, it's an excellent one. It was clear and easy to follow. The characters are distinct and the setting was apparent. Well done. Rules of the world: My impression of the setting is a post apocalyptic dystopia, maybe along the same vein as 'The Giver,' where the colony/town is ruled by ideals that aren't inherently destructive but are taken to a destructive extreme. I got more of a Scifi vibe than fantasy, but I could be wrong. Based on the hints and world building, as a reader I suspect that some terrible thing has happened that has killed most of the people and ruined much of the surface. The MC and their family are one of many people in small 'safe' colonies that are utilitarian and sparce due to lack of resources. These colonies are policed, fed, and maintained by an elite class with special abilities who live outside of the colonies, possibly in whatever areas weren't ruined or in an unreachable area. At this point, I am assuming that the laws against any offensiveness are tied to preserving the lives of as many people as possible by preventing any violence, protests, crimes etc. Characters: J's character seems the mostly completely developed, she has a distinct voice and reads as a caregiver/protector. The MC's sister comes off well. The MC wasn't immediately likeable for me, at this point they seemed more angsty than outraged. A seems plain and inoffensive, but I think that was the point you were going for since it sets off the reader's radar that there will be a problem there. I hope something in this rambling critique is helpful, thanks for sharing!

Late again, with not much to add, so I'll just say, "Congratulations and well done!"

Not much to add, and late to boot! In An's section I loved the screaming mushroom aside and the line "this week's horror". Honestly loved this whole section. "A took his husband's thin head..." This does not sound complimentary. I've heard someone described as thin faced, but this struck me as strange. "Heavy thrust!" Ph said. I'm guessing this is new slang? Makes sense now, but on first read held me up for a minute. The boardroom scene felt a little anti-climatic to me. There was so much build up of something terrible or violent to come and then the whole situation defused? Or perhaps just stalled for later. But at this point I don't think I learned anything new as a reader except that the leaders might intend to do something darwinian in the near future. Overall, I liked the first section the best but was plenty interested enough to keep reading through the whole sub even if I was reading just for fun. Thanks for sharing!

Thank you for reading and for your feedback! @Mandamon @Warmacky @Silk @C_Vallion @kais There is consensus on some weak points in the story that I especially approciate! This definetly needs some heavy edits, but I'm looking forward to tackling them. Thank you all for your feedback and for including points of interest. I love the idea of Catnip and associated products having inflated values :-) I apologize for all the typos and grammer issues, I'll try to sub cleaner drafts in the future. Thanks again!

I'm game :-)

Not much to comment on in this section, per usual it is very well written :-) I do agree that this section did feel like a slow down from previous sections. Perhaps I'm just missing the visceral threat/gross-out feeling that usually accompanied sections about unexpected BM (hehehe, my inner four year old couldn't resist). This time the event seemed common place with no real danger, which makes sense with how long they have been dealing with it. The personal drama/suspense was great. I loved seeing F interacting with his child/not child and the suggestion that he is not going to stay satisifed being 'uncle'. And poor A. That last line really makes me worry for her. Thanks for sharing!

Surging ahead: very aptly named! "For any generational with a child, it was obvious those born on a planet..." This was a great point that I hadn't considered until it was spelled out. What would it be like for the generationals as a group to know that none of their children would look just like them? To know that their grandchildren etc would look more and more like the administration and v's? Great human touch to what could have been just a clinical detail. "They were loosing charge fast as the light grew..." a little unclear on what this meant. I agree with the previous critique that the market place was one of the most enjoyable parts. It's nice to have a quick breather from doom and menace and get a sense of hope for these characters. Likewise for poor Al! I did not expect to see A adapt so well but was pleasantly suprised! The apartment details were a great touch. Al is quickly becoming one of the most endearing characters to me since we're seeing less of J. Which begs the question.... should I be worried for Al's health? :-) Not much else to say, this section was a great read and I found very little to make notes on. Thanks for sharing!

This is a long one that took up two slots. There is a page break near the middle if you prefer to take it in pieces or don't feel up to a double sub though. Content warning V for implied violence to humans. Animal harm is mentioned but not shown. All comments welcome. This was written to be a stand alone, but I am toying with the idea of writing other short stories in this world with overlapping characters. If there are any questions, characters or elements that as a reader peaked your interest and might merit further exploration I would love to hear about it. Thank you! Sarah B

Sounds good. I'll check back before I send anything out. Thanks!

If there's room, I'd like a slot next week. I've got a weird longish-short story, right now clocking in about 8,000 words. So, maybe one this week and one next? Unless there are no other takers for next week and the group would prefer it in one go? Eitherway is good with me. I have no deadline or reason to rush :-)

This was really charming. For me, the story within the story stole the show. It reminded me in a way of the Princess Bride. As a reader, I was left wanting more of the frame story to give the nested story some more weight. I definetly got some fantasy vibes from L's story, but this could be real world/alternate history pretty easily. I like that you left that part of the context up to the reader. Song: I'm pretty sure the other's are right about the song. However, from trying to guess I now will have "Renegade" by Styx stuck in my head for the foreseeable future :-) Thanks for sharing!

Well, I settled in and read straight through to get the full effect: "The children who ate their parents..." comming off of the last section about the first children being born on L, my brain jumped to "Girl With All the Gifts" fungus-zombie children eating the adults and taking over the planet. Figured it out by the end of the paragraph :-) Sure would have been a suprise ending though. Sharing the last of his tea with J: This was a really nice touch. Domestic disturbance: I loved the part with A backing away slowly from the two momma bears. Overall though, this section felt a bit like two combined info dumps. The first about the situation with the Vs, and the second about new food goop. I think maybe it read that way to me because first A gets a call and thinks while traveling, then A shows up and is told something, and then the conflict A was sent to take care of seems to self resolve. Around 90% through there's a typo; "If we have to eat printer goop now so we ca ...." can The word count was a bit intimidating, but as usual it was a pleasure to read. The overall effect of reading it straight through was a bit like fast forwarding through a movie and hitting play every so often. Sorry, I can't think of a better illustration. But there is a definite sense of accelerating towards the end. So... book 2? I'm looking foreward to it! Until you mentioned it though, I kind of thought they were all going to die. Glad to find out I'm wrong :-) Thanks for sharing

Just putting my two cents in on a couple comments from before: Baby snoring: In my experience some babies breath loud, maybe not quite a true snore but audible. The doctor hesitating: Not the same but I have run into something similar to this in nursing. Even someone who is normally outspoken or forthright will sometimes hesitate if someone of equal qualifications is around when bad/complicated news has to be given. For me, sometimes it's a matter of 'sizing up' the other person to see who would be best to do it or who is most willing to. I could see this happening between the medical doctor and the guy with a science doctorate with personal ties pretty easily. A couple things while reading I'm not sure it could be avoided, but the opening paragraphs felt a little maid and butler. Even so, it set the stage very quickly. The ceremony, particularly right before D collapses felt a little rushed. This might have been intentional or perhaps seemed to come faster due to forewarning in the email :-) I loved the cloncuding lines for this section/chapter. Actually, I overall liked this section period. Thanks for sharing!