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About shatteredsmooth

  • Birthday 02/28/1988

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  • Member Title
    The Meowditor's Human (They/Them)
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  • Interests
    I love speculative fiction, dogs, and cats. Aside from writing, swimming, hiking, biking, and kayaking are my favorite activities. Sometimes, I get ideas about triathlons and never follow through with them. I like growing my own food, but fertilizer feeds the toxic algae I want to keep out of the lake, so my garden doesn't always do that well.

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  1. I'm a maybe for tomorrow. If I get to the critiques I owe people this week and get my next chapter cleaned up enough for people to read, I'll submit, but I'm not sure if that is all going to happen or not.
  2. I put a content warning of S because this chapter has some kissing. Hi All, I've been slowly revising my previous chapters, so if something in this one seems inconsistent with a previous one, it may be because I either changed or am planning to change something about one of the earlier chapters. Granted, it also might be because I've been writing late at night. Like the previous chapters, this is a first draft, so it might be a little messy. I'm open to any kind of feedback. Thanks! Sara Previously Ch. 1: P, a person who had secret adventure in faerie land as a teen, gets sucked back in to faerie while trying to save some teens they witness being captured by faeries. They free one teen, C, but still end up in faerie where they meet up with an old friend / crush, A the faerie knight. Ch. 2 P, A, and C go see the queen to tell her about the kidnappings. She says she can't spare any knights other than A until after the ball. Ch. 3 P and C get some new clothes, and then the mount flying feathered unicorns with A to go look for the missing teens. They find a cell phone and evidence the teens may have been flown away from that location. Last time Ch. 4 P, A, and C have to get back to the castle before dark. In the dining hall, they ask questions and one of the nights is acting strange. Then they go to their rooms--C to the human barracks and P to A's chambers were there is only one bed. This time Ch. 5 Faking dating is negotiated. Someone is followed.
  3. You have a fantastic opening line! "Still, most humans did not seem to understand that there was basically only one way to beautiful, but a thousand ways to be ugly, old, and crotchety. It was simply more interesting. " Some interesting characterization here He set his box in the cart and went to fetch another" Hmm so not sure how I feel about this yet. The character certainly is interesting, though when a thing happened, the were passive. Understandably passive, though, so maybe it’s okay. The opening line was enough of a hook, that combine with an interesting character, I’ll keep reading even though the mc hasn’t done a whole lot of significance yet. "He set off towards his home, firmness in his step ." This does leave me curious about what comes next. Overall, there was more tension in the second scene than the first, and I liked that the mc got his? their? full payment. But I don’t quite feel like I know what direction the story is going yet. The opening line was a good hook, but the chapter didn’t come back to the concept that pulled me and as a whole didn’t seem to have a strong enough hook, in my opinion.
  4. @SilkI'd also like a spot for tomorrow if there is room please
  5. I like the characters and the dynamic between them, but this chapter lagged a bit. I wasn't caring too much for all the detailed descriptions of the town in and the inn without much happening. I felt like the mc was a little careless leaving the valuable thing in her clothes when she sent them to get laundered, and didn't get why she used / ate the thing that was supposed to be very powerful, just to fly somewhere she could've walked and take notes. I also didn't understand her reaction to the ostrich being captured. That confused me. So overall, I think the strength of this piece is the characters and their banter, but the downside was not much happened until the very end.
  6. I enjoyed these chapters a lot. I liked the pacing and the emotions and didn't really have many suggestions. As I read: "The longer it takes to get to Rayson the better" I like the resistance! "There’s a grating noise and the metal box starts to move" I love the descriptions of things we take for granted but this mc has never seen. "...around the pupil, opens the door" You already said the door was open. "I have the urge to punch[CSA1] him again." I would want to punch him too “You’re dismissed, enjoy your stay here Miss " Well holy crap that was intense. Overall I think that was a pretty good chapter. "I don’t think I am, my family is everything." That's a comma splice. "Not perfect like we though in the cities, but normal good.” Think? Thought? "Triported he proposed Then "Missing period I loved the thinking of chocolate as a fruit "I’ll be fine as long as I’m careful. “Let’s go.” Good note to end the chapter on!
  7. Thank you both for catching this! I'll try to do a read through focused on being more consistent with this. Yeah, that wasn't quite what I was going for. I think I meant to write them as nervous about being alone with A because they were attracted to xir (granted, I sometimes struggle to write that kind of attraction) Will definitely work on clarifying. No, that was probably me messing up. Understandable. Let me know if you want to read the latest version of any earlier chapters. Thank you all for the feedback!
  8. I don't think I got that email, though I would love it if you have a minute to resend it. Thank you for all the comments! They gave me a good sense of what I did fix and what still needs work. :-)
  9. I didn't make any as-I-read type notes when I read the first chapter, but was overall pretty engaged with it. You've created two fascinating characters and set up for the plot just enough--I am guessing they are going to competition thing they found the invite coins for? I have a lot of questions about how this duo ended up together, but I'm willing to read on to find out more of their history. My first reaction in Ch. 2 was that I didn't want to switch POVs. I'd settled into the first one and was looking forward to more of those characters. "called something called orgasmic, meaning that they’re kinda sorta living creatures" this made me laugh I loved seeing the ostrich described from the POV of someone who didn't know what it was. "Bess almost said that the capital was only twenty miles down the road—hardly a pilgrimage—but she wanted to get on with this" If they aren't that far from where they're from, why is there such a difference in knowledge between the guards and the witch? Why does the guard not know what ID is? Something about that is confusing me. But otherwise, I didn't really have much to critique. This piece has a strong voice and some good humor. Looking forward to reading more.
  10. After chapter 3, I feel like the main character's reactions were not what I was expecting. I did expect her to get angry, but then it just fizzled. She got made for a moment and then just seemed pliant and content to go along with everything with little other thoughts or reaction. So far she has been one of the few characters that isn't meek and compliant, so seeing her so easily go along with everything didn't quite sit right with me. In Ch. 4, the compliance and plain acceptance continues. I was a little happy to see her try to escape, but she also went along with the stranger really easily and didn't stop to think it might be a trick, which it was. It seemed almost too obvious to me that it was going to be a trick. I kind of wanted more emotion and reaction throughout this chapter since up to this point, the character has been very full of emotion. I feel like there was less of it in these chapters than the others. The lacking reactions wouldn't bother me so much if that was how the character always was. This chapter just didn't quite seem consistent, character-wise, with the rest of the book. I'm curious to see where this is going though and am looking forward to reading more.
  11. Thank you for the feedback, @Mandamon @Minifyre @ginger_reckoning and @FlowerGirl!
  12. So, Ari and Aeryn were very similar names, and for a few reasons, I didn't think Ari was working as a name for my main character, so I changed their name to Perry. This chapter is a little bare bones at the moment, but I'm sending it anyway, because before I flesh it out, I want to make sure the action and logic makes sense. I have a feeling something is logically off about it, but I can't pinpoint what. Can you? And when I do flesh it out more, are there particular things you'd like to see me focus on? I'm open to any and all feedback you have. Thank you! Edit on 10/24 I just realized I've been forgetting summarize previous chapters for anyone who may be coming in without reading all the previous chapters. So here is a quick recap: Ch. 1: Perry, a person who had secret adventure in faerie land as a teen, gets sucked back in to faerie while trying to save some teens they witness being captured by faeries. They free one teen, Cailee, but still end up in faerie where they meet up with an old friend / crush, Aeryn the faerie knight. Ch. 2 Perry, Aeryn, and Cailee go see the queen to tell her about the kidnappings. She says she can't spare any knights other than Aeryn until after the ball. Last time Ch. 3 Perry and Cailee get some new clothes, and then the mount flying feathered unicorns with Aeryn to go look for the missing teens. They find a cell phone.
  13. Hi All, Here is a little more of my faerie WIP. This is a first draft (I'm more or less submitting as I write), so it's bound to need a lot of work. I did read through it a few times, but like usual, can't quite pin down what's wrong with it, aside from the fact that it's a first draft. I'm open to whatever suggestions you have. Thanks! P.S. In the past, I've just written rambling messy first drafts and waited until I was done to get feedback and revise, but lately I find I'm not revising or really struggling to revise, so I'm trying to revise chapters as I write them even though it goes against popular writing advice. I'm finding it easier to acually revise this way so far.
  14. I do have something ready and would like a spot for tomorrow if there is room, please.
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