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  1. Welcome! It's great to have you here!
  2. I'm going into this without reading your previous submissions, so my responses are colored as such. Pg-1 The characters are reading as teenagers or children, this comes from phrases like "Mom telling" or "Big day." I don't know their exact ages, but this could be something to be aware of. Pg-2 There's a lot of dialog on page two. I caught myself skimming, though I think the fact that I'm unfamiliar with many of the names being used contributes to this. Pg-3 I'm interested in this whole concept of the glass exoskeleton, and how it seems to be portrayed as somewhat difficult magic. Pg 4- I like the mentions of different rates of aging and mentions of political matters. These are quite interesting. Pg1-5-So far I've had a hard time getting engaged, but I assume this is because I've started in the middle of the story and don't have enough context to properly follow the conversations taking place. Pg 8-The mention of how characters have been created is intriguing. I'm certainly interested in this concept. Pg 5&8-You use a form of the work "dally" twice. Not a huge number, and probably far enough apart that it doesn't matter, but it's an unusual enough word that it stuck out to me. Pg 9- I'm loving the speculation on the politics behind the outcome of the vote and the differences in people who voted for C versus against. Pg 9-10-Both C and H seem to be somewhat hotheaded, and H especially seems irrational. Their personalities are interesting considering that they've been given or consider for a position of power (If I'm correctly understanding what head guard is.) I'm excited to see more of these two. Pg 10-I'm enjoying the action, it contrasts nicely with the conversations and considerations in the earlier pages. Pg 12-I like the more mundane and creative use of magic (scaling a wall with weapons) I feel like this adds flavor and realism. Pg 13-"Blades across his throat...said to corpse" I love the way this is written! For a second I didn't realize A killed him, and then all of a sudden dead! Pg 15-Great ending to the chapter! Overall-I'm loving the magic, the politics, and the world in general. The beginning was a little dialog heavy without a lot of action, but I do think I would've found it much more interesting if I'd read previous submissions and actually understood what was going on. Now, having finished reading I think the thought heavy beginning contrasted nicely with the action heavy end, and the fight sequence was amazing! And the death at the end, despite only having known S for 15 pages hurt. Overall I love this, and my biggest thing would be to consider interspersing the dialog with a bit of something else, but again, I think I would've enjoyed it more if I'd had context from previous submissions. Hopefully something in here is helpful. Sorry for the late response.
  3. FlowerGirl


    This is absolutely beautiful! You're an amazing artist!
  4. Callsign: Leamos It's the command form of we read in Spanish, so I'm essentially telling both myself and others to read which is an accurate depiction of my personality (I think I'm understanding the Spanish right, but if you speak Spanish and I'm wrong feel free to correct me.)
  5. YKYASFW When you hear the word shard and end up thinking about Stormlight instead of paying attention in class.
  6. This is a good point. Thanks! I'll make sure to explain this better. Thanks for pointing out that this isn't entirely clear. I'm glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for the feedback! I can definitely see what you're saying here. I'll be sure to fix this. These are all really good points. I'll definitely be doing some editing where the resistance is introduced. Thanks for the feedback!
  7. Hi everyone, I completely changed the conversation between K, her parents, and the government official, so I'm resubmitting that and then submitting ch2. I'm excited to hear what everyone thinks! Thanks for reading!
  8. If there's space, I'd like to submit as well.
  9. Pg 6-“He was supposed to be gone for only a couple of hours,” Interesting, I was under the impression that the imposter had forcibly replaced H, but apparently not. Pg 6-"will likely suffer from an unfortunate accident." It's unclear whether the real H will be suffering from an accident or if it'll be staged so it appears H has had an accident. Pg 10-"baubles powered by mutated fish." This is a really interesting origin for electricity, though I am confused about how a fish mutation would create electricity. Pg 11-I'm noticing there're a lot of long descriptions in this chapter and I'm starting to get a little tired of them. Pg 11-"holy duty to care after the animals that they practiced their craft on." This is interesting, I like it. Pg 11-"his hunch here was correct." This seems like quite the conclusion to draw from a single flinch. Pg 16-"He smiled, shaking hands," I'm not sure, but it almost seems like you changed tenses here. It's hard to tell because you focus in on the moment for a paragraph, then go back to being further away(I hope that makes sense, I wasn't really sure how to explain it.) Anyway, something about smiled and shaking being next to each other felt off as I read. Overall I really enjoyed this. As for exposition, I thought there was a good amount maybe a little more than average, but not enough to bother me. As for whether or not the POV is warranted, I think it is. I enjoyed seeing G's perspective on things. I did notice that he didn't do anything too villainous, right now I view him as another character and not necessarily a major antagonist. I quite like the villain not being overly villainous it's a nice change of pace from villains who just want to watch the world burn. I really enjoyed the pacing, it almost felt cozy (I realize this is a somewhat odd way to describe it.) the pacing wasn't too fast or slow which I enjoyed.
  10. Pg 1-You left off with the entire group fighting the t, and never finished that battle. It's a little frustrating not knowing what happened. Pg2-I'm liking the calmer use of the magic system now that we've seen the destructive side of it. It creates a nice contrast. Pg 6-"The boy can shame an avalanche in loudness and this time the t would not spare the crew if you bring him along”. This sentence was difficult to read. How do you shame and avalanche in loudness? That doesn't make sense. Maybe you meant to say he could shame an avalanche for being too loud(I could be completely wrong.) I also don't understand why the t wouldn't spare the crew if B went along. Are the t intelligent, or would B's bungling just get them all killed? Pg 6- "social visit." This does seem to imply that the T are intelligent. That's the theory I'm going with for now. Pg 9-"duck flying shoes." You can't duck a flying shoe. You either duck away from a flying shoe or dodge a flying shoe. Pg 12-"He didn’t live it all over again." This is a little confusing. Are you saying he didn't want to live it all over again or are you saying that because he pushed the memory away he didn't relieve the experience? If that's what you were going for the wording was a bit confusing. It might make more sense to phrase it differently. Maybe something along the lines of "He pushed the memory away" or "He forced his mind to stay in the present." These aren't the best examples, but hopefully, they're helpful. Pg 12-“Hungry like I have run for that long too." This isn't quite correct, maybe something along the lines of "Hungry as if I was actually running." or "Hungry as if I was running instead of dreaming." Again, not the best examples, but hopefully they're helpful. Pg 12-"A heartbeat faster than usual?” This would make more sense as "Is your heartbeat faster than usual?" Pg 13 "but surely he looked his twenty-two." This could work as a form of unique character speech if that's what you were going for, but otherwise, it'd make more sense to say "surely he looked his age." or some other variation of that. Overall this chapter was a lot slower than the last one. The beginning was frustrating since you never finished off the battle. I assume that's because B passed it, so it might help to explain that. There were some issues with wording, but that's completely understandable considering that English isn't your first language. I enjoyed the chapter, hope to see some action or at least a change of pace in the next one. Thanks for sharing!
  11. Here's the first chapter of my novel. I wrote it about a year ago and figured it was about time that I came back and edited it. I can't wait to hear what everyone thinks! Despite having finished the novel I've been unable to come up with a decent name, any suggestions are appreciated.
  12. Pg 1-I had a hard time getting my bearings. You left off with A helping his father while being watched by G. Now A and C are running, and I have no idea why. Pg 2-You introduced S, and I read her name as Salmonella, not an issue, but hopefully, she's an unsavory character because that's all I'll be able to think about when I read her name. Pg 3-I still don't know why A and C are running all over the place or what they're doing. At this point, it's somewhat frustrating not to have an explanation. Pg 4-They picked up clothes? I feel like I've missed a lot. Pg 4- "And, in truth, for A it was a matter of dignity as well." You said he wasn't shy, but then you say it's a matter of dignity. I know the two are somewhat different, but it still felt slightly contradictory. Pg 4- You finally mention that they're going after the chickens. It's good to know, but I would've liked to know this earlier. I also still have no idea how A slipped away from G and got different clothes. Even knowing what A and C are doing I still feel like I'm missing something. Pg 5- A is planning to steal chickens, but he also wants to help people. Wouldn't stealing someone's chicken go against that? Despite this, I'm invested in the whole chicken thing and can't wait to see how it plays out. Watching someone who has been gifted powers by a god stealing chickens is completely absurd. Pg 6-I'm a little confused about why C is trying to touch everything. Touching the chicken coop to float the chickens out might make sense since it's hard to carry more than two chickens at a time, but I don't understand why touching everything else is important. Pg 10-I felt that the fight scene was very well written. It was easy to follow exactly what was happening, and I was rooting for A to win so he could save the old man. Pg 11-" What,” C said, staring down at the two humans, “the was that.” I think there should be a question mark rather than a period here. Overall I really enjoyed this one I understood what was going on. For the first several pages it was hard to care about what was happening because I didn't understand what was happening. Once you gave an explanation I really started to enjoy the chapter.
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