ginger_reckoning

I feel like I’m starting to get a better sense of the vision of this book, trying to win over people one by one,which is great since I think plays to your strengths as a writer, but to me it feels like new characters are kind of just introduced before joining their side. I think I need a better sense of progression and to know who people are beforehand a little, or at least be aware of them. Overall though I think the conversation with S was good, entertaining, and I like how it made A rethink things Sub 6 “Shouldn’t have pushed” well this is certainly a sentence I have ever read haha. I say keep it, though maybe replace fix with “function in society” or something because I think that’s a slightly different assumption than fixing completely (which i don’t think she’s achieved, and I don’t think she would think so either.) idk not a huge deal “Rock the airship” so they don’t have boats at all anymore? Just want to say I love A characterization haha, I think she definitely does think of people in unflattering ways a lot of the time, so it’s interesting to see her trying to be a little nicer Do I sense a Hyperion reference with S? Or just to the actual bird I think the oral conversation goes on just a beat too long, imo. I’d personally end it after “s grin widens” and then go to the next topic but that’s just me Okay never thought I would like a character called p*ssy estr but here we are haha

Sub 5 Sorry, decided not to do like so I can catch up a little quicker. Personally with this chapter i think the intimate scene at the end was the main point of the sub and the main turning point. It’s kind of a messed up situation but I think it’s mostly handled pretty well. Though again, I think it’s will benefit from having more of a sense of what their relationship was like before A became T. It does become a little dicey when discussing how he basically mind controlled people to give him sexual favors though. I know he was a teen but I don’t think that gets him entirely off the hook. I still get the sense that it is affecting A which is making aer do this. Also it read to me a little like A buys into the gender essentialism the device operates on which may not be intentional, but that’s just me. That being said I think it was a well written scene and I think A handled the situation pretty well. The thing with the sheet is an interesting workaround, and I like how it’s a little awkward but still sweet.

This section is definitely more contemplative. I like the themes of teenage doomerism, and I think its very topical haha. I also think its a very intriguing conflict. Still, this is like the third scene of watching and commenting on people's memories. I don't think its bad in and of itself, but I feel like its missing some kind of concrete progression. Yes, they are getting her on their side, but in what ways will that change the situation? Dusk sub 4 “Center turned to liquid” interesting, but would not the pressure make it solid again? Idk this is literally the smallest gripe ever Reading this on mobile so I don’t have page numbers, sorry. “Either the beautifying” – “the” is extraneous here “By walks around the school” by walking around the school? “Suffer’s Lu’s face” suffers L’s fate, I think. “Looks between the two of us” hmm, this is interesting. I wonder if she knows more about the situation than she’s letting on “Little cottage in the words” in the woods “Sibling lore” lol I like the conversation towards the end of the chapter

As for focus, I feel like it all depends on how long this story is; for being around 50k, I think this is about right, though I hope A has more of an active plan soon. Ae has been reacting a lot, which is not necessarily bad, but I hope A starts actually being proactive in the next few chapters. Maybe trying to get K on their side? Or experiments with changing reality just to see if she can? Overall, the writing and dialogue was solid, not much other than my lbls Dusk sub 3 “Telekinetic blast realization” this phrase has officially been noticed. I think there was another reference pretty close, and a few in the end of the last sub. “Repeat that S did” should be “what” I think “From the military thoughts” the phrase miltary thoughts doesn’t seem right to me. Maybe militaristic thinking? Or, just cut the phrase altogether so it just says “its using one of the oldest strategies” So how does T know all this stuff? Did she just logic it out? “Too dangerous to show” This is an interesting conclusion to come to, my first though was that P was trying not to aggravate aer since ae could potentially be a lot more powerful than the others. But this makes more sense I think “None of us believed the world will get better” very topical haha “Twenty-nine days” wait, what happens in twenty-nine days? Possibly WRS “Odor suppressants” lol. I’m also starting to like her “Then it clicks for me” the next lines of dialogue don’t say who’s talking for a few sentences so I thought it was A at first, and had to go back and reread when I learned it was T “Target on your exoskeleton” I think this is the first time exoskeletons are mentioned so it might be a little jarring for new readers not knowing that its a technology and they’re not like, bug people haha. I think target on your back would survive as a saying but that’s just me. I think the next paragraph where they talk about summoning exoskeletons is a better first mention of the idea, imo “You had power over us” that was what I was thinking too. Interesting conflict between proving them right and actually getting stuff done. This game sounds fun Me when the yearning is so strong and all I have is dodgeball I like K

Dusk sub 2 Pg 1 “that I don’t trust him to see” personally I would separate this into a new sentence, cutting “that” and starting with “I don’t” “With curious eyes” I would add “and with” instead of just with “Are there shelters” I like this exchange “Loved who chose” needs a comma I think “Becoming like me is worse” I like this even though I don’t completely understand the mechanics at play here haha. Overall this chapter was really good! But like I said before, reads more like a middle chapter than one close to the beginning. A little more context and this will be awesome “Desperate to be serve” I think “be” should be cut The flashback is quite shocking, and I really like the scene afterwards, the consoling one Ae says ae wants to win people over, but why exactly? To do what, just have them all vote to leave? Why exactly? I don’t have a clear grasp of aer goals. For the same reasons, the death earlier was not as impactful as it could have been, I think I’m also a little confused about S. Is he just really attractive or does he have like seduction powers or something? Overall pretty solid! I like how the factions are already shaping up. Like I said though, I think I need a slightly better grasp of goals and stakes here.

I like the concept of this one! I thought that scene-by-scene it was pretty good too. However, i think this would benefit greatly from having a chapter of "status quo" before realizing P is dead and they are all in a limbo like state to more firmly establish the relationships of the characters, what being T means, what C is, et cetera, because right now this feels like I was dropped more in the middle of a story, and if I didn't already know what C water, p glass et al is, I would be very confused I think. Maybe more of a scene with the narrator ntoicing strange things happening before coming to a conclusion would be good. Also I noticed my LBLs stop at the end of chatper 1 but I did read the whole submission haha Dusk 1 Pg1 “Women come from girls. But after we…” I don’t really see how this sentence follows formt he one before it. The prologue is fine, but it’s very vague and confusing. It seems like it will probably be a while before any of it makes sense. I think it almost has a little too much detail though? In a weird way, the detail is what makes it more confusing. Like there’s enough detail here that the narrator is obviously talking about something important, but there are a lot of proper nouns that I don’t know. I would recommend focusing more on the emotion here Pg 2 “My mother P…” This is an incomplete sentence. I think it’s supposed to read “The fact that my mother P…” “It works, mostly” I would change to “succeeds” since the word “work” was just used with a different meaning. “Proverbial shaper controlling” I don’t know what proverb this is referencing Pg 6 Not sure what your intentions are for this, but so far there is a lot of jargon specific to this setting. Since I have read your other stuff in this same setting I can follow it but for someone who hasn’t, it might be a lot to learn in the course of a few pages End of chapter 1 This is an interesting conflict, and I like that they don’t waste a ton of time denying their circumstances. I do feel like a little bit more context is probably needed, though

Good to see you back! I think this is much improved from the first draft. I like having a little more context to J's situation, and I can tell I am already going to be more connected to the stroyline with M and his mom. Also introducing K first, if brief, was also good. I think the beginning characterization of the doppleganger is a lot better too. Overall, great work. Just mainly had my little notes below. Labyrinth draft 2 sub 1 Pg 1 Wow, the first two paragraphs are very strong! I’m excited, it seems like there have been some good changes. Pg 3 “little college town” maybe say the name of the town too? Even if he’s new I think he would know the name of the town “That her friend V can get” mentioning V here (introducing her ig) muddles the sentence I think, and it can be established later and more effectively that they are friends imo without distracting from the main point of this sentence, that J likes her hair and voice. “What sounds like the hum” I would just say “I hear the hum” “Like a mother’s” nice, and I like the foreshadowing Ohh, nice I like the introduction of this mysterious character a lot Pg 6 Personally I would like a little bit more sensory description of what its like in the labyrinth when he first appears there, in the first paragraph or so, since this is the first time seeing the mind place or anything truly supernatural and it’s a pretty bewildering place. Stuff like the sounds of lots of pigeons cooing, or the rattling of the cages, or the smell and white poop stains or strange lack thereof. A little more on what a labyrinth of birdcages actually means haha “I’ll blame math” lol “Couldn’t stand wearing it” oof, that hurts Pg 11 btw I think this is the first time J’s name is mentioned. Probably should have someone mention it a little earlier I also think that J should question what the doppleganger is a little more. Doesn’t have to be a ton because I appreciate not lingering on the “what is happening????” aspect but a little more questioning would be realistic I think

Congrats on finishing another book! My main points on this submission are that I would like to see a little more mention of how they are dealing with being vampires a year in, such as how they deal with wanting blood, going out at day, and the fact they will be teenagers forever. Also, while K can be characterized as callous, I think just a little bit more of a hint of loss would make her more relatable. Overall, as I have said before, I think this book could benefit from having P's viewpoint earlier on. I also think it could benefit from a scene from the viewpoint of J's brother earlier on so we can see how life is like as a vampire and get a better sense of the threat from the original gang of vampires. I really like the themes of this book and how it ties supernatural creatures into colonial conversations. Again, congrats! I'm glad I got to read this. pg 3 "thrown away at his lowest point" thrown away by whom? I get the sentiment, presumably having his life ruined, but would maybe change it since I didn't get the sense G was going to kick him out or soemthing. Also, personally I would simplify this sentence by just saying something along the lines of "because the american healthcare system sucks" or something along those lines. I think including voters kind of muddies the sentence a little "B's been helping he" helping her? pg 5 "lack of body heat" can vampires get hypothermia? Interesting, but I don't think has been brought up before as a potential danger I like the flower scene and it's very in character for both of them. "for every step they take" I think this last line might be more powerful if it just ends on "bleed"

Sorry this took so long to get out! I don't have many overarching notes on this submission. I have a lot of notes below that are mostly critiques but overall I thought this submission was good! It seems about the right length for falling action, so I will admit I am a little skeptical about there being more chapters. I guess I will see when I read the next one! Good work! Sub 17 “He’s from a less powerful culture” I think it would be better to just point out the fact that she was being racist before. Like the way this is worded makes it seem like she expects her reaction to be natural based on the fact he’s asian, rather than that being a failing on her part That being said I like her seeing G in a new light here Pg 5 “Work out forever when people change” I would cut “when people change” Pg 8 I still wonder what will happen since the paramedics saw the tunnels Also, can J still transform or is that overwritten by being a vampire now? Pg 10 “Especially now that it’s not easy” this sentence confused me a little at first. I think it might be a little easier to understand if instead of “especially” it’s “even though”, since I feel like the statement is a little contradictory “And honestly, even those” I think this is probably J continuing but it’s not super clear since there was a pause. Might be nice to have just a little dialogue tag somewhere here “Surive to resist” I like this line Pg 12 So like are B, N, and P giving like powerpoint presentations? A little confused here, especially since I never really got a read on any of them as being comfortable with public speaking. Also when did they have time to prepare this? This is not super huge, but I did notice it. W debriefing about what happened makes a little bit more sense to me. Pg 13 “Exactly like she and J planned” this makes it sound like she planned for her stepdad to be killed “Last up is me” I would rather see how this actually plays out instead of a summary, personally “B jokes” again, I would rather see the dialogue of this Pg 14 “should be blushing” I think “would” would be better here Over an hour??? I know they’re teens but got dang

As others said, I thought the part with her gloating over her mom was a little much, and read as a little sadistic. I'm not saying that wanting to hurt her mom for what she did to her is not a valid reaction to have, but I think if it's just toned down a little it will work better. Other than that, I thought this was a pretty good section, though I think the part after she gets healed could be tightened a little. Overall though, some pretty emotional scenes here. I think if the wording is strengthened in some of the more emotional bits it could really stand out! Sub 16 “To really hurt my mother” this and her grinning later down really give the sense that she’s taking pleasure from this, which kind of paints her in more of a sadistic light than she’s been in through the story. It could definitely be the case for a character in this situation, but it doesn’t seem really in K’s character to me. I imagine she would be more cold, calculated,, maybe inwardly taking pleasure at the exchange, but also recognizing the seriousness of the situation, based on how she’s acted before. Idk though, that’s just my suggestion That being said, I really appreciate the comparison to a weapon here, and the sentiments here about your intentions not mattering when you’re part of the death machine. “Let the world forget you” I still think she would have at least a little regret and disappointment here, even with the anger and betrayal she feels from her mother, she still fantasized about living with her for a long time and that wouldn’t just disappear, I don’t think. Idk, maybe we will see more later The part with P and B is nice and sweet, no notes Pg 5 “It’s important we know who and what she is” Can’t exactly pinpoint why but this line stands out to me as being odd to say while she is disintegrating. I think it’s possibly because I feel like it hits the nail on the head too obviously, with regards to this theme? Like she already called her mom out and now the book is emphasizing it even more? Especially since they don’t have a lot of time and every word counts. So I think it woul read a little bit better to cut out that particular phrase so it just reads “I’m glad you did. I couldn’t say what you did better myself. But now she’s gone so don’t worry about her, quick let’s kiss before you die etc etc” “More a request” I like this “Theoretically compel” toss “theoretically” imo. Otherwise, I like this paragraph “Then don’t” very nice (Btw i’m listening to 80’s romantic vaporwave while writing these and I feel like it’s a great fit for this scene haha) “Can’t bestow the experience” Okay, so my first impulse was that this paragraph seemed a little clinical, but I like the idea it’s getting across. I think it could use a little more emphasis on the fact of the tragedy of all the years they won’t get to have, rather than the fact they lack experience in the now, which is mostly what is getting emphasized rn imo “Patch of glittering gold” I like the image this is conjuring Pg 8 “how touching” eh, I don’t love this line, I feel like the sarcasm undercuts the sincere feelings in this scene, but that’s just me Didn’t B and N tell J about the ritual they were going to do? I feel like that’s where my brain would go if I were J Some of this conversation reads a little awkwardly I can’t tell if them keeping calling themselves vampires is supposed to be dramatic irony or if the ritual just healed the wound she got. Is it that she’s human again but J is stuck a vampire? “Starting on the same foot” This line is fine, but I think you could do something stronger

Cool climax! I'm hoping to see K have some emotional consequences from killing her own mom, since I think that would be a big deal even if they didn't have a great realtionship. Overall though, solid submission! Sub 15 “This time, the way K walked…” Again, just saying how I would structure it so take this with a grain of salt, but I would structure this sentence so its “But the way K walked…burned into my brain, and I don’t think we’ll be able to look back…even if we can cure her…” I just think it would read a little easier this way “That has to be worth one or two” I think this is supposed to be how he feels like he’s repaying her, but as it’s written it sounds more like he’s bargaining, saying if he saves her she will have to protect him. I would write “If I save her…maybe that will pay her back for…” “Gay little bastards” lol, the way this is phrased makes it sound like they aren’t already gay little bastards /:P “The same control she’s using against us” I think you can just say “put her under control” “Let me kill them” interesting, I wonder where she is going with this I will say her arguments for wanting to kill them are a little flimsy, but maybe if she focused a little more on wanting to be like her mom it might make sense. I guess her real motive was to get her mom to use the scanner on her, but still, if I were C I would think the argument was sus Pg 12 “Take actions that will bring me harm” Well, she did know that stabbing her with a stake would do harm, right? Again I’m a little confused how these commands work

I was really unclear why her mom had her walk to town and then back, and unfortunatley I don't think the dramtic irony of her not immediately realizing she's a vampire lands here. Having finished the chapter, I think that her mom's plan was to get her to lure her friends to the cave, but I'm not sure. I also think her initially forgetting kind of slows the pace down. I would rather have the commands spelled out from the start personally. Also I think I have said this before but since it's pretty clear B and P will be important for the end of the novel, I think some earlier chapters from their perspectives would be good. Im excited to see how they get out of this situation! Sub 14 Pg 1 “recall…event I remember” this is a little redundant, I would cut one of these “And in order to do that” Not huge, but the word “and” can be cut here. It can also be left if you so choose, but other editors will probably point it out as being a filler word Pg 2 “popping out beneath the blue sky” I had to read this a few times to understand what it was saying, might be worth it to simplify How did the cast get removed? Hmmm “ invisible forcefield” idk this is probably pedantic but this experience seems like it would be out of the blue for her to immediately think of as a forcefield so IDK if immediately jumping to the conclusion of an invisible forcefield makes sense. However I think this could be fixed by even saying something like “it’s like I hit a forcefield" since that hedges the certainty a little I’m not sure if phone cameras actually use mirrors, but I like the concept So the compulsions only apply now that she remembers them? I'm a little unclear on the mechanics Pg 8 I am unsure why she suddenly attacks him here. Is it just because he got in front of her? Pg10 “Who are giving them trouble” I would cut this clause to simplify the sentence “This was supposed to be a simple trip” I would move this explanation elsewhere, maybe after he explains about the ritual. As it stands, it doesn’t really make sense following what B just said Pg 12 “that I care about B” sorry for always giving the same notes hahah but I also feel like this sentence is a long one “Evil cave” lol Pg 13 Surely her mom would have included instructions to not kill herself? I got the impression that was standard procedure for vampires Pg 16 “saving around the scanner” waving?

So my main thoughts on this one, other than in the LBL's is that the emtional moments are good, but there are some parts (I'm particualrly thinking J's reaction after killing A and going to the coffee shop) that seem emotionally disconnected. Overall though, I'm excited to see where this is going! Sub 13 Pg1 “Next to the sound of G’s body” Idk why exactly, but the words “next to” I think should be replaced with “alongside” I think because “next to” seems specifically spacial “From wrestling each other” it was already established they were wrestling, I think this can be cut “Any opening I give A” since it is not immediately obvious (at least to me) that moving his position might give A an opening, I would change this sentence to be something more like “I force down the urge…since A’s lightning fast reflexes could turn any movement into an opening…” or something like that “Who didn’t want to go to sleep” I like the emotional content of this sentence but in the context of the action, I think could be streamlined a little “There’s a reason legends say” I actually didn’t know this, I just thought a silver bullet could kill them. Later down I see it was intended to be a comforting lie, but still, it’s another reference to a specific way the magic works that’s presented like it’s well-known “Sacrifice him” nice Pg 3 I get the feeling A is trying to goad J into killing him, but not sure I am really liking the conversation between A and J here Pg 5 I would recommend starting a new chapter when it switches to K here “Take out back into town” I have no idea what this means. Just that she’ll go back into town? Page 6 I think this reveal was set up well, but I think a little more foreshadowing in earlier chapters could also help, like maybe just happening to always meet up at night, or something. More clues that K can put together other than what just barely happened “The scanner can use vampire magic” This is kind of a leap in logic, I think, but I think it can work with just a little bit of…idk the right word, lmapshading I think? Specifically the part that it can use vampire magic, rather than just being an built-in feature of the scanner, which I think would be more reasonable to assume. Something like “the scanner doesn’t just scan, you can use it to control vampires” and then maybe her mom confirms that only other vampires can use that function? Idk, might be pedantic haha “Figures that out?” oh sh*t haha that’s scary “I wanted to see” I like this imagery. Cog in the machine is a little cliche but this particular expansion on that is really good I think “A damn thing” also a really good line! Pg 8 So is this the first time humans have been to the tunnels in an official capacity? Given his concern about staying hidden, I think he would be at least a little worried about the authorities now knowing about the tunnels, or having to relocate or something. A description of the medics looking around in bewilderment or saying something about the tunnels might be good too, it seems odd enough that even a professional might make a remark about being out in the middle of nowhere, especially since zoning laws might make that illegal. At the very least, I can see that finding a bunch of people living in a tunnel complex could make a viral internet meme, like when they discovered the tunnels in new york last year “Stupid leading question” I would add a comma, like “stupid leading question, but he’s right” I am a little confused as to why they are at the coffee shop. I thought they were waiting for K to message them or something? Anyway, it does seem a little odd to me that J isn’t doing much here, and I also don’t know what the plan is exactly. Considering everything that has happened, he seems pretty emotionally unaffected at the coffeshop as well N has a very unique voice compared to the other characters, which can be funny but I am also glad that the narrative seems to be aware that he is being intentionally annoying hahah Pg 15 “1.5 meters of height” would it not be 1.5 meters tall? “Or whatever the equivalent” I would separate this from the rest of the sentence with an em dash since it’s a bit of an aside I like N’s narration haha

Good action scenes in this one, definitely very tense. Like a say later down, as with J's mom earlier, I would either like more earlier chapters from G to establish he will have viewpoints later, or earlier chapters from a several different characters to establish that there will be lots of viewpoints other than J or K. Overall though, good submission! Sub 12 “Stare at the words” this is ambiguous and possibly a mistake? Is it supposed to be “stare at the woods” or “stare after the words” as in the words she said, or “stare at the words on the wall”? After reading the next few sentences I think it’s the latter. “Is it okay if I come in?” Ah, she is already a vampire. Personally, I would try to either remove the first the first instance of thinking something is weird about the wards or tone it down slightly, or make this request more subtle because I feel like K, being as smart as she is and obsessing about vampire for the last few days would probably make this connection. Of course, I can also see her being blinded to the possibility since it is her own mom. That is an interesting twist tho! Pg2 “cavern looks like a set” I think is missing the word “that” after cavern Pg4 “N who contacts B who relays the message” whoah, long sentence with lots of names! I think this needs a little lampshading if its supposed to be intentionally long-winded I do like that we get to see from G’s perspective! I like when books have lots of perspectives, some from random or side characters. It does make the one chapter from the mom vampire stand out a little less, but I still think with her in particular there should be at least one more chapter earlier from her perspective, or alternatively, chapters earlier in the book from G’s perspective “Beautiful in that way I never appreciated” I would split this sentence in two, personally. “not -quite-boy” this seems like an insensitive way of putting it, which may be in character for him, but I would just advise to be careful, since this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people, and while I don’t think this represents your own views, people might read it that way “Earlier than he should” I like this line “Bury his son” oof Pg 8 Whoah, okay, I didn’t know the scanner could stun people too, I thought it just said if someone was supernatural or not. Did K know the scanner could do this? “Ready to fall as a footnote” I get the point of this clause, but I feel like now is just not the time in a fast-paced segment like this, I think it just distracts from the imagery. I would end the sentence after “Movie” and cut the rest “ tried to kill herself” I am actually still not clear on this. Is it because she didn’t want to be captured alive? I may be stupid haha, I think K should more solidly state her reason for concluding she is not completely a villain Nice, I’m gald K figured it out! “A younger boy I don’t recognize” the phrase “I don’t recognize” can be cut, it’s implied when he doesn’t say who it is by name. Same with the “also haven’t seen”. Alternatively if you want to emphasize that he doesn’t know either you could add a sentence afterwards along the lines of “I don’t know either of them” but I think the sentence flow better without those two phrases “J’s spirt” spirit?

Not many notes other than my LBL's. The darkest hour is one of my favorite tropes and I thought this one is done pretty well, and I liked where it left off. Excited to read more! “Fey ancestry” I would maybe put a little bit more of an explanation since I think K, who has had fewer interactions with supernatural stuff might not be expected to know that fey can’t lie (also the reader may not know) so maybe something like “I also can’t lie because of my ancestry” “Leaves them hanging ” I like this part “So it’s a binding” I don’t get the sense she would just know this, especially since some of the rules have been a little different for some creatures than what you might expect, like vampires only being weakened by sunlight, not killed by it. I think it would seem more realistic if she instead thought about it like wondering if it would work to get him to verbally promise, but then coming to the same conclusion that it would kind of be f*cked up to intentionally try to use that against a friend Pg 4 “always trying to protect” I don’t see why this means N isn’t with them. B sent her away? I think the idea of having someone who was alive during the colonial era of the british and american empires is really cool Pg7 “But I am a monster” … “Because from my perspective…” I think these two paragraphs could be more effective if their order was switched. So like, we learn how J views humanity first, then he says “she can’t let go of that", since it makes that line about her humanity more punchy, like it deserves imo I personally don’t think that she will destroy the scanner, I think she is lying “Partner in the field” AKA, human shield lol Pg10 “I haven’t mentioned the scanner” well, she did, they were just talking about it. I would cut this and just leave it that she didn’t mention she knew who made it. It might be reasonable for her mom to assume she knew, if she knew about the device’s existence Pg15 “Don’t hurt anyone” I think this comes across a little bland for the fear I imagine he would be feeling in this moment. Dialogue tag could help, or the inclusion of a physical reaction he has Pg 14 I like the twist of him showing up to kill him, but also I think its really funny that he thinks about gun safety first haha Nice, awesome cliffhanger on this chapter