Mandamon

It's not the name themselves. As @Mr. Misting says, it's that we don't have a strong connection to the characters yet.

Finally caught up! I agree that the focus on each soldier's interest isn't very interesting. You could focus on one or two maybe. A lot of the beats in this chapter were good, but I'm not sure they belonged here. I think this could be combined and re-sequenced with the last chapter. For example, the discussion of the body should probably come first. Freeing the soldiers is a BIG beat, and I think needs some time to breathe. That could be a whole chapter by itself, but focusing on what this means for the world instead of their hobbies (and why M hasn't done this before now). There's also a big emphasis on their opponents being stupid. I'm not really a fan on this. It means the characters are stupid for going along with thing for so long. It means there's no challenge to defeat them. I'd much rather have a smart opponent. Notes while reading: pg 1: I don't that any of this first paragraph is needed information pg 4: Freeing the crew is a touching moment, but then it goes back to their hobbies. I'm instead wondering what effect this might have on the rest of the world. Are they planning to free others? Recruit more soldiers? pg 4: "But one rogue overseer could free us all and turn us against the ministry?" --yeah, that's sort of what I've been wondering. Why didn't M do this before now, if they knew about it? pg 5: "I’m not convinced B is all that smart, either" --By now, all of the main villains have been dismissed as stupid. I'd much rather have very smart villains that need to be outwitted. pg 7: So I'm still thinking they could have had a successful revolution by now just by freeing a few soldiers... pg 8: "had already forgotten that thread with everything else going on" --me too. pg 10: "The Calamity doesn’t want to hurt people, not directly." --Eh? This is the thing that sends monsters to attack people? pg 13: "Tried to be the perfect minister who thinks only about pretty gardens, long chats with friends, and teaching little girls not to fight with each other.” --Is...this what ministers do? We haven't seen any of this.

Sorry for the late response! Last week was a thing. Similar comments to @Silk, as usual. I think we need to have some time to breathe after the end of last chapter, and we didn't get that, or we didn't get the right kind. I was looking for answers about what happened and we didn't get any (even about the identity of the clone?). There's a lot of things coming together here, but I'm not sure this is the place where that needs to happen. Hopefully will get to the next submission tomorrow! Notes while reading: pg 1: "when they were about to hit she both summoned an exoskeleton and thrust a hand towards them." -G summoned or A summoned? A bit lost on who the pronoun is referring to. pg 2: There's a bit of chaos through here with the monster crashing in and people fighting. The blocking could be strengthened a bit here to make it clearer. pg 3/4: Ah, so the B-team breaks in here? I was a bit confused at first, but I think I figured it out in the end. You might spend a little more time in description in these scenes. pg 5: Wait, so do we know who the clone of A is? pg 6: Things are getting a little scattered here. I'm not sure what their goal is at the moment. pg 7/8: I'm not sure if the diversion into hobbies is needed here? pg 11: There are a lot of resonant things happening here, but I'm not sure if any are getting all the screen time they deserve, or if they need to be addressed right at this moment. pg 13: and another sort of out of the blue discussion about gender identity. Not that it doesn't have its place, but I'm not sure it's here? pg 15: I think my problem with this chapter was I was expecting a breakdown of what happened with the queen, the repercussions that would have for the world. Instead we get a mix of resolutions that don't have anything to do with that, except for L, and she starts talking about her gender instead.

Welcome to Reading Excuses and congrats on putting something out there! I have similar comments to @Silk on this one. I think your writing is generally engaging and conveys a lot of movement, but I got a little lost with the people and places, not being familiar with Warhammer. Devoting some more time to the setup and descriptions would be helpful, as well as placing those characters firmly within the scene. If there's anything in particular you want feedback on, let us know! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Looking through the protective crystal" --what crystal is this? pg 2: There are some good descriptions here, but I'm waiting for a conflict, or plot element. So far it's skipping from thought to thought, describing the character. pg 3: Watch your dialogue. It should be in the form: "X," said Y or "X." Y did a thing. Make sure the punctuation is inside the quotes and (for US English) always use " instead of ' pg 4: The characters keep referencing things, but I haven't had much explanation of what's going on yet, so I'm a little lost. pg 6: I'm getting a bit lost in all the names and places. I'm not very familiar with Warhammer, though. pg 10: I think I lost the thread of the story somewhere in the last few pages. More description of the event they're at, or what the circumstances are, might help clear things up.

Aha! Actually got to this one before a full week... So it looks like we're getting everyone together for the big finish, but I feel this section drags a bit. There's a lot of walking a talking, and the villain is...stupid? A says it herself. I'm not really sure where it's going at this point, mainly because we don't know enough about the function of the government to know what's going on. G is almost a caricature, so I'm assuming she's going to get killed off or something soon. I wonder if combining this and the last couple chapters, with A learning about the factories, and then H picking her up directly from there might lend a bit more tension? Notes while reading: The first couple pages are a bit of "as you know Bob" with rehashing all the facts A learned. I think it's good to spell everything out here, just to keep things straight, but I wonder if they can be a bit smoother? pg 2: "caused by the military complex" --ok, didn't remember this part. pg 6: I still never got a good idea of how the islands are set up. I'm not sure where these tunnels are in relation to anything else, or how close the city is to the beach where the soldiers were training. pg 9: I wonder if there could be a little more emotion through here? A is chatting with the killer that's stalker her the last third of the book, and the creepy things he says are remarked on, but there's not any reaction from anyone. pg 9: "What? M couldn’t drop that fact in such a casual way and expect the conversation to keep flowing." --Exactly. A needs to know this now, which is why I think she would be a better character for the last couple chapters than X. pg 11: but isn't H supposed to be a secret assassin? How is he taken as the model for masculinity? pg 12: There's a lot of walking and talking about philosophy, but I feel we should have a little more tension here. We also dont't know anything about G, who is I assume leading the people in the coup against the queen. It would be good to see her before now. pg 13: "Threatening? Smart? Competent? Yeah, all of the above." --ah, yes. That's also the impression I'm getting. Could we have a tense scene with a more threatening person instead? pg 15: Hm. Yeah, I'm not sure where this is going. The villain here doesn't seem very smart. Despite H being in the chapter, there wasn't that much tension. I want to react more to the ending than I am.

Finally caught up! So again, similar thoughts to @Silk. We learn a lot of cool things here, but are they ones that A couldn't discover? She was involved in much of the same history, and switching over to a new character for these revelations so close to the end feels like almost a different story. There's a lot of information here that would be helpful to A. I'm also confused on why the queen doesn't have the power her title implies. We haven't ever really seen "The bureaucracy" so I'm not sure how powerful it is. I like the content here, I'm just wondering if it's the wrong voice, or if we need to have more POVs with X a lot earlier in the book, if this is where he's developing. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Ah, so we're still with the B-team for this one. pg 2: “Psionics can do anything" --of, yeah, that's harsh. I wonder if shortening and combining the last chapter with this one to get to this scene sooner would make more impact? pg 3: Yeah, this whole discussion of gender needs to be a lot stronger way back in the beginning. pg 4: I'd love to have some more hints of this in the beginning, especially that the queen might be involved. I can't remember if L said anything about that. pg 5: I have questions on why the queen isn't in charge? pg 7: I might have more questions than answers about how all this works after that explanation... pg 8: "After all, him persuaded " -> "After all, he persuaded " Pg 11: I'm not sure why the soldiers can come up with a solution for everything when the queen and her ministers can't? pg 15: interesting stuff about X's past! pg 17: Well, that escalated! I think some of this reveal is good at this point, but a lot feels like it should be with our main character (A) and not with the soldiers, or even a character who didn't come in until the second part (I think?). This is generating a lot more questions about the world, though, which feels like it's coming very late in the book.

Finally got through this and the next one! I agree with @Silk here. I'm not really sure X works as a POV, especially this late in the book. If we were in his POV earlier, I think it might be alright. It gives us another character than A to latch on to. But that said, I'm not sure this chapter needs to be in his POV? And this whole chapter could probably be shortened to just a quick escape, as most of the interesting parts are in the next chapter. Thoughts while reading: pg 6: This is going a bit slow for me. I think this is the first time in X's POV, right? I'm more interested in A's fight, and I sort of assumed the team here would get to wherever they need to go. I can see the start of the arc here with X learning to lead, but I think it's too late in the book to start this. It would be a good theme for a book 2, however. pg 12: I think we just don't have enough connection to these characters to make their fight hire connect with the reader. I don't remember N at all, so him coming in to save the day isn't getting to the "victory!" that I want to feel from that scene. pg 14: So basically this is all the side characters getting together to save themselves, which again, is a nice touch, but I think a little late in the story to make the impact it needs, especially with so many side characters. I'm having trouble keeping them straight.

Sorry I'm super behind on this! Dealing with the new crowdfunding campaign I'm running, but I hope to get to both of these this week!

Sorry for the wait on this! I've been absolutely swamped on edits the last two weeks. Again, similar thoughts to @Silk. I think the overall focus of the book is shifting too much from the beginning. There's a big focus on gender and feminism here, but I was expecting more of a cool future society/worldbuilding from the first section. Not that they're incompatible, but I think they're shifting too much from one to another as the book progresses. Interested to see how it wraps up! Notes while reading: pg 1: still don't really see the need for all the "personal" objects. pg 3: Why did Am think A would read his diary? There's a lot in here that is touching, but a much bigger emphasis on the age of the clones, how they're treated, and gender dynamics in the first section will help this land better. pg 9 “The one I had to hold you away from screaming and kicking..." --there's a lot of repetition of past events in here, often told in dialogue. Some of this you can assume the reader remembers, and if the characters are detailed enough, the the reader will remember what they've done. pg 12: I'm struggling at bit at this point in the story to understand what it's really about. It was about the interesting worldbuilding at the beginning, and then went in to the gender discussion, and still is about that, but also about political philosophy now? it's getting a bit scattered, especially this late in the book, and needs to be focused more. pg 14: wait, doomspeakers are all transgender? I don't think I got that before. pg 15: "And I’m sure there was a part of you that knew all along..." --ok, yeah, so this ties back into the prologue. Nice tie back! pg 15: “So you hate men,” --I think this is the part I'm not getting in the story. This seems to be a new part coming up now. pg 16: "you’re a disgusting killer" --I think I'm missing the subtlety here. As far as I can tell, B is just transphobic? pg 17: It seems like there's a big shift in the narrative again at the end of this section. Now we're focusing specifically on feminism? I think the plot is getting scattered at this point, and needs some massaging from the beginning to be consistent.

Similar notes, as usual, to @Silk on this one. I don't think there's enough buildup or hints for the emotional beats here. There's several large reveals in this chapter, ones that affect most of the book, and I don't think any of them land with the impact they need to. Especially the last one with M's reveal. There's a deeper core to this book about gender and who we think we are, but it sort of gets buried in the background. I think a lot of focus at the beginning on how genders are split up and how they're perceived will add a lot to this. Notes while reading: pg 1: "So that’s what the reality bubble they were in was called?" --What is this referring to? pg 2: "Like how I should come out to you as agender." --I mean, ok, but I think I need some context why a god needs to advise this? It sort of sounds like this is an authorial comment that couldn't find another place. Not that it isn't important, but it doesn't seem important here... pg 4: "I’m going to go down there and fight H." --Isn't he...in a group of people? pg 6: I don't have a lot of connection with H as a villain, so this victory doesn't really hit that hard... pg 11: This is the guy from the first interlude, right? I'm still not sure what purpose he has in the story, so I'm losing the effect, especially from a fight this drawn out. I"m glad A figured out how to change weapons, but I'm not sure what fighting or killing this person does for the story. pg 12: "That does explain how H was able to take I" --what does? I think I'm missing some connection. pg 13: "It doesn’t feel right to kill them." --I feel like thi aspect is dragging out a bit in this chapter. They're more or less in a kill or be killed situation. I don't think the warriors would have a problem attacking them. Why is A having such anxiety about this? She's killed before, was a warrior, and knows it might be required in this situation. pg 16: "the one who taught me everything when I was a soldier.” --Wait. Did we know this before? I feel like this moment should have a lot of impact, but I don't remember that fact coming up before. Or maybe that was just way back in the first part?

First off, sorry for being so late. Had lots of stuff going on last week. As usual, generally agree with @Silk on this. We need more information in the interlude, and while the next chapter was cool, I'm not really sure what we actually learned from it that's helpful in the book. There's also a lot of talk about gender in here, where the technology that goes along with it seems to me to be useful for a whole lot more. Not that gender isn't an important discussion, but I feel like there are other aspects of this that could be just as important, like disability, or confidence, or age. Interested to see where it goes next. Notes while reading: pg 1: I'm confused on the first paragraph. Thy is hurting by teaching Top, but there's no qualifier. What's bad about it? pg 1: "she loved every second of it" --so she does like it? pg 1: "and that made her sad" --and now she's sad again about it. I know there's complex emotions here, but I'm not getting the explanation I need for them. pg 2: except now we're talking about N, not Top. I'm confused where this is going, and since these were minor characters in the last part, I also need some context and clues for who they are and what they did again. pg 3: Do we know who I is? The name sounds familiar but I'm honestly flailing with how many characters are in the book. pg 3: "dismantled the factories...all of those little boys" --ok, that's new. pg 4: "I’m her mother.” --ooooooooooh. Ok. I think we need that right at the beginning. pg 4: "expose and dismantle the factory" --wait, I thought that had already happened? pg 4: overall, mostly confused about this interlude. pg 6: "I’m the Calamity" --alright, heading straight into this one. I'm interested. pg 9: "So B was also originally a soldier—a boy." --I'm not sure I followed the logic here. pg 11: "how it spread from planet to planet" --does...A know about other planets? pg 12: "to change people’s bodies to fit their gender." -ok, but probably more than that, right? I mean, anything with that use has a million possible powerful medical uses. pg 13: “Your clone?” --yeah, figured that one out. pg 14: Ok, well, we learned a lot, but I'm not certain things are any clearer.

As usual, I have a similar response to @Silk. I think there's a lot to be unpacked in the last chapter of the second part, especially to really get the impact from the decisions. The sacrifice wasn't contrived, but I still want more leading up to it to really make it worthwhile. I'm still not connecting with the character in the interludes, as I don't really know his purpose or the reason for his viciousness. Having one or the other would help. Notes while reading: pg 2: “How cute.” --exciting intro! I got confused here, however. Were the two stepping in front with shields what caused them to fall, or that B decided she can't kill them? pg 2: No better than what? --I think this is supposed to be in quotes? pg 2: “Not think. I know who you are. But you’ll never find out.” --Losing the thread a bit here. There's a lot happening. 1) some about men vs. women going on, but not followed up on 2) something replaced B? Literally or metaphorically? 3) Should have figured what out? 4) A died already? pg 3: "it was similar to how she had looked" --I feel like this could be delivered with a lot more surprise, or at least some emotion from A. pg 6: The sacrifice works pretty well here, but I think could have an even bigger buildup. pg 7: "We are called doomspeakers" --wait, is A one as well? Did we know that? End of part 2: Interesting! I'm wondering where the third part is going. pg 9: Should we recognize who Hex is pretending to be around Haf? pg 16: Well, Hex's POV is as disturbing as ever. I'm still not sure what he adds to the story, though.

Some similar thoughts to @Silk on this. I was glad to finally get some explanation for things, but I think a lot of it got lost in the meantime. I was also confused on the base numbering, as well as what the attackers were, and all the machinations going on with B and M. I think it worked in the end, but we need some more buildup before now to make the emotional payoff work in this chapter. There were a couple new things introduced here we could have had some more information on before now. Interested to see where this is going! Notes while reading: pg 3: I don't know or remember the base numberings, so I'm not sure which is which. pg 5: There's a lot of machinations here, and I'm not sure I'm getting all of them, probably because of WRS. pg 5: "bound to any console" --Is this a thing? I'm not sure what this means. Are the soldiers all bound to the one console A was using, or does this mean each one has a console? pg 8: "Her soldiers engaged the waves of Calamity soldiers " --Not sure I get this. I thought they were monsters? Mostly they've been fish so far. If this is a big change that the monsters now seem like soldiers, this probably needs a little unpacking. pg 8: The description of the attack here doesn't really work because we haven't had a description of the attackers. pg 9: definitely need more description of what they're facing. pg 11: I thought something was weird about B. pg 13: Okay, yeah, B has been super sus the whole time to the reader, so much I was wondering what was going on with her. pg 13: "a powerful psion, on the level of the imperials that could annihilate islands with a snap of their fingers" --Do we know who these are? Have we encountered them before?

Overall, I thought the first chapter here was actually a lot better on the dialogue and slow bits than the other chapters so far. It felt a lot more real, I think because the characters were reacting to events, rather that going out to do their one symbolic thing. We get a lot more about the interactions between the characters, which builds them up a lot better. The second chapter was pretty good too, with some forward movement. Interesting to see where this is going. I still think we need more with this M side plot to really get a handle on what's going on, though. I'd also love to see more on the A/A and Z/X conflict. It's a really good storyline, but we've only brushed the surface of what it means. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Might need a reminder of what happened in the last chapter. pg 1: "They were an assassin --oh, ok. I hadn't gathered that. Pg 3: good reaction scene from the soldiers pg 9: pretty easy reading through here. I think these kind of character interactions are a lot more character-forming than the sort of forced "everyone buy a token" scenes. More of this up front will help. pg 9: "a couple days later" --Is there any repercussions from H? Are they in danger for those days? pg 10: "So if H shows up" --yeah, this is what I'm talking about. Is anything else happening with him escaping? pg 12: overall, pretty good chapter. Pg 14: not following all the intrigue completely. Probably partly from reading week to week, but I also think the part with M and the D are not as clear. pg 15: a lot of late-coming stuff with B here. I think bulking this up with some hints at the beginning will help. --Ah, but that might be a ruse, I see... pg 16: "bubble in the C ocean" --okay, now I'm forgetting why they're going here or how they know it's here. --Ah, so this was the place the deserters were staying? pg 20: I feel like the mirroring with A/A and Z/X needs to be brought out some more all the way through the book. It feels like a fairly big sub-arc, and it's only touched on a few times. pg 21: Interesting! I still think we need a lot more fleshing out with the side characters earlier in the book, though.