Mandamon

Still a fun read! I think a little more on the description and setting the "universal" tone for the results of the explosion will help. Like it needs news reports of people on other planets seeing the blip or something. Overall fun, but I think it can still be zanier! Notes while reading: pg 1: "wormhole happenstance " --lol pg 2: "wormhole inside a laboratory had wreaked havoc ' --now I want to read that story... pg 3: "The door yawns open onto main causeway, and the universe." -- I think we need some more setting before this point. I'm not sure where she was walking before. pg 3: "other space stations that make up..." --great name, but I'm still confused where this is. Is it a bunch of space stations all strung together? pg 4: "back when I thought I was cis, back when I thought I was a lesbian." --Interesting! pg 4: "You’ll make them a theory they can’t refute." --lol pg 5: “Galaxy Gloss polish? Man after my own heart.” --It's universal! pg 6: “Facilities, power engineer. Requesting access for urgent maintenance.” --I'm still hazy on what they're actually doing. Maybe a few more sentences on what they detected and why it's worth checking out instead of just "lots of energy?" --edit: the next couple paragraphs help, with the blip, but having a little more direction before now will help too. pg 7: "fix the station" --fix what about the station? And is this all one station? pg 9: "Honestly, the numbers in the systems report are starting to freak me out." --maybe some measure here would help? Like "That's enough to power a sun" or something. pg 9: “Are you thinking your ex is behind this?" --why? pg 9: "I can see the accretion disc through the walls," --cool. I think you can have even more description in here. Really play it up. pg 14: "“A big bounce,” she corrects" --lol. pg 15/16: S is shouting a lot, but doesn't actually seem to be doing anything... pg 18: "You almost blew up the entire universe." --I think this could be expanded too. We're very localized here, but amping up the action to show it's on a universal scale somehow would be cool

So this was an...odd read. I almost got lost a few times just because it seems the MC is wandering around in as much of a fog as the reader is, and neither really knows what's going on. It's hard to stay connected to the story. I wonder if it actually needs as chapter before this to set up a little of how the MC acts around others? Notes while reading: pg 1: There's a lot going on here. It might be good to have just one or two more sentences on what the character's expectations are? They seem mostly unphased they're in a maze with pigeons and have a clear direction out. pg 1: "I’m at full strength" --This makes me think LitRPG? pg 3: "you went to the trouble of replacing me with a fake " --I am really not sure what's going on. Seems almost like an anime? pg 4: “The countdown shows how long it will take to merge your self with that version of you in the real world.” --This is interesting, but I feel like I've been dropped about 10 chapters into another story. pg 4: "Leaving through that door could be a trap" --why? We don't really know anything about the setting, the doppelganger, or what their motivations are. pg 5: "I’m in the storage room..." --glad to have some stable setting finally. pg 7: "He’s not done with me." --Ok, interesting. We're starting to get a bit of things, but I'm wondering if this is too in media rez. I feel like I would struggle to start this book. pg 9: "with his mom missing" --wait, is this his original mother missing and they're both foster children, or is the foster mother missing? pg 12: "with no parents in the household" --so I guess the foster parents are missing?" pg 12: "While I have a hard time with social cues and situations" --I don't think it's just him in this case. I'd be pretty clueless if this happened to me. pg 13: "She’s acting like my doppelganger was after I got pulled into the labyrinth." --I feel like this is meant to be a stinger, but I don't know what it means. How was the doppelganger acting? Is this saying she's one too?

Similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts on this one. I thought the character development was something that had been missing in previous chapters and it finally gave us a good insight into the characters. I'm also not really interested in the plot with going to the city. I'm much more interested in how these characters interact while they do that. Notes while reading: pg 5: Good conversation through here. Actually having these two talk brings up some of the issues that were glossed over at the beginning of the story. pg 5: “Last I remember you were, like, making fart jokes while you killed people.” --which sort of sums up the issues I've had with the story so far. pg 8 "was afraid of a little blackmail. How humiliating." --Couldn't she just tell A that S might tell her those "lies" and head it off? pg 9: I don't think the bandages have been mentioned in a while? pg 15: the staring paragraph starts to get long... Some good character moments between all three in this chapter. I think this is one of your better ones, simply because we learn a lot more about how everyone thinks. Having some more moments like this near the beginning would really help fix A and L's relationship.

Well, they're for my publishing house, so yes! I've been working on the books coming out next year.

I think this is some of your best writing yet! I didn't take many notes because I was enjoying the story. It's a good, cautionary tale, and I don't think there's any ambiguity at all. Really not a lot to say about. If you're going to submit one to a literary journal, I'd choose this one. Notes while reading: pg 1: "she remembers from her future education" --so doing the time thing again. pg 2: "The way they love without attraction" --It seems like there's a lot of attraction here. Maybe "love without sex" or "love without physical intimacy?" pg 13: Excellent story! Not a lot of comments on this one. I thought it was really poignant.

I agree with @ginger_reckoning the style here is better than your other writing. I think it's actually less purple than some of the passages in the main book. I really like the story as well, but I think it's too confusing right now. There are a lot of tense switches and I have no idea who is actually who at the end of the story. That might be on purpose, and does fit with the whole time ebbing part of it, but I think a little more clarify would help solidify the story. Is L actually O? Are they all copies? Are the calamity people the real ones? Notes while reading: pg 2/3: there's some mixed tense in the story, part past and part in present tense. I think the "you" is addressing the princess? But it's also pulling me out of the narrative. pg 6: The story is interesting, but I keep getting thrown off by who the "I" and "You" is addressed to, because most of this is in past tense. pg 9: so I guess there are copies of the whole family as well? I think I'm confused because there's no delineation between the crystal versions and the real (?) ones. pg 14: I'm still a bit confused as to who is really who in the story, but it's well written! Is the person on the throne actually L? And M is a crystal echo of some sort?

I thought this section had some better character moments for A. It's starting to become a lot more her story now, where I was unsure before between her, silence, and L. I'm still a little unsure on what silence's status is. I thought L destroyed all the rest? Notes while reading: pg 4: So A has met the exes before then? pg 6: 2 pages on who's going to get the door might be too much. pg 9: There's a lot going on here with people and places we haven't seen. Why are they sending L back to hell? pg 10: I got a little confused in here and had to look back on why they actually invited L. I thought she destroyed all the other bodies of silence before now? Are there more out there?

There was some good characterization for A in the first half, but yes, I agree it's slowing a bit. The original statement about the book was S destroying the city, except that's happened now, so I'm not really sure what the rest of the book is about. Is it about curing A's curse? I like the introduction of the exes, but some of the wording makes it seem like they've been in the story before now when I don't think they have? Notes while reading: pg 1: I thought she said she already fought through the palace, last chapter? pg 3: I don't know why she can't handle the curse when she just did all that to silence. I'm also not sure why the guards wouldn't recognize she just neutralized the person destroying the city? pg 5-9: some good backstory through here. It might be good to move this earlier in the story so we get a better understanding of A. pg 10 "since they also cared for the girl" --had they ever met her? pg 13: We haven't met these four before, right? pg 13: "canonically transgender" --I'm...not sure what this means?

Similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts on this one. There was a lot that happened, but I don't think it was really supported by the characterization. Maybe fleshing out that part a couple chapters back with the training montage to add some more backstory to L would help out here? You could give some hints to her power and what she can do with it. Notes while reading: pg 1: This first part is a little confusing pg 2: Hm. The Omelas thing again. I feel like this should have a bigger meaning, but I don't think it does? pg 7: There's a lot of focus on one mana, but we don't really know what thayt does or what it means. pg 12: I didn't understand all of what was going on through here. L seems overly powerful. I don't think we've seen any hint of this yet? pg 15: I don't know if this part with A fighting is really necessary. We were told this was what happened.

Sorry for the long silence! I've been doing developmental edits, but hope to get caught up tomorrow. This was a really interesting juxtaposition of chapters, and I have a longer explanation below, but yes, I think S and A are feeling a little flat. It's especially evident here because we have such a nice focus on a random character. I think he has more personality in seven pages than S and A have shown in several chapters. Notes while reading: pg 7: I really like the twist with the healing light. pg 8: The chapter overall is interesting. it's sort of a side story, but does give a little more character to silence. I was going to say it could be cut, but I think it actually works. pg 11: Conversely, this section seems a little weak. There's a lot of mana cost for spells, which I don't really understand, so it doesn't do a lot. pg 18: It's a big contrast between the chapter with the MC and the chapter before it. I think the one with the random guy was a lot stronger. The MC chapter was basically just a big fight, and I didn't have much connection to what was happening or whether she got injured. On the other hand, I was concerned about B and whether he would jump. It's the difference between a short character focus and an action chapter with not a lot of character depth to connect to.

Wow--I totally dropped the ball on this one. I've been neck deep in developmental editing the past couple months. Congrats on finishing this up! I know a lot of this will change as you do edits, but I think the general story is an interesting one and once it goes through another round of edits will be an interesting read! Looks like similar comments to the others on the attraction side of it. I think that part could easily be shifted to a second book, though. Notes while reading: pg 3: "ministers being in love with each other" --I'm assuming this is like teenager crush love sort of thing since they haven't had a lot of time to know each other. pg 5: This is a getting a bit long for an epilogue. It runs the risk of starting up new threads for the story rather than ending them. pg 5: "most of us don’t have clothes or means of washing them.” --Such as this. I don't think I realized this the whole book. Have they only been wearing exoskeletons? pg 8: I think you can cut talking about the school. It's starting a whole new thing not in the rest of the book. pg 9: the immediate pairing up is a little awkward in the amount of time given to it here. I think this also runs the risk of opening the ending too much rather than closing off the first book. It might be a good thing to put right at the beginning of the second book.

There was a strange end to chapter 3 and beginning to chapter 5 with this one. I'd just submit full chapters in the future, even if it's under the total word limit. I can't really give meaningful feedback on a couple pages. Chapter 4 is...interesting. There's a lot of over-the-top action and we see S doing many incredible things. I'm not sure what it achieves though. We're told he destroys the city at the beginning. Is this giving us any more information? I don't know why the city is important, or what destroying it will do. I'd love to know more about his motivation. Notes while reading: pg 1: "But over the years, S had always eluded her" --So what does the montage in the last chapter actually achieve? Can we just start with these characters both being awesome and chasing S? I feel like we haven't actually gotten to the story yet. pg 2: Oh, this was the end of the last chapter. Right. So same comments apply from last submission then. pg 4: “Sorry I’m late, I got exploded on the commute” --Lol pg 6: “Man, we have so many left,” --There are some funny interludes here, but I'm not sure where this is going. pg 11: lots of fighting through here, but again, I'm not very connected to the characters. Why is S destroying the city? pg 12: So the dragon is cool, but there's no buildup to it, and we didn't see it get captured, so it just sort of appears, accentuating that S has all the power. pg 13: I think defining the stakes here would help a lot with impact. C is a big city, but what will destroying it do? Does it affect the rest of the country? Is it a country? A continent? World? What is S trying to achieve? Pg 16: not really enough of this chapter to comment yet. Might be better to keep to whole chapters when submitting.

Going to give feedback on this and the next one, since I've been busy finishing up edits on my latest story. I think the tone of this is good, but I have generally the same concerns as @Silk and @Ace of Hearts. There's a lot of really cool stuff, but it's too short to get anything meaningful from it and too long to be a montage. I think condensing all of chapter 3 into a few sentences, briefly referencing the cool things they did, will make it more of a montage, and the reader will actually get more connection out of it, rather than being confused. Notes while reading: pg 4: "I heard that the archmage set you on fire.” --that's an opening question. pg 5: "“I’m a changed woman now" --okay, I'm actually more interested in that journey. pg 6: "see the monsters walking beside her." --what monsters are these? Confused. pg 6: "You have a connection to it.” --how does this make her see other monsters? pg 7: Well, we have the quest set now. They're going to save the world from the monster. I feel like I don't have quite enough attachment to the characters though. Like I want to know more about L and how she changed her life. pg 8: "the illusion of a fat monkey with golden fur" --Any particular reason why? Seems like everyone has an illusion now. Is there any cost to it? --edit: okay, A asks this herself in the next paragraph. pg 9: "“The information we’re looking for..." --What is this now? Were they looking for clue? I'm getting a bit lost in what's happening. pg 10: was there more to climbing the mountain? We seem to be skipping through a lot of events. pg 12: There are a lot of cool events happening here, but I only get the barest hint of them and then we go on to something else. It makes it hard for the story to hold my attention. pg 14: "I teleported right into the town..." --I'm still not connected to the characters here. It seems like a lot of actions are done for the plot, but we're not getting any of the moments that these developments change the characters. We just get bite-sized pieces of cool stories that we never learn anything more about. pg 17: "Through her training, she had been able to cultivate twenty-three manna for herself," --this is a weird progression fantasy statistic sort of shoehorned into things. Will this matter later? I don't think it's been mentioned up until now. pg 18: "but that is literally a whole other story." --I'm feeling this way about most things in this chapter. They all seem really cool, but we aren't learning anything about them. pg 19: "It took years, in fact." --Yeah, I think this is the problem. The story keeps stopping and starting. Do we even need this part if we're going to pass through years? I don't get a sense of accomplishment from A beating L, because we haven't gotten to enjoy the journey.

A nice end to the story! I think this wraps everything up well, barring some of the first section that should probably be earlier in the book to help with the narrative. A very interesting story, and I one more edit will help tie everything together. Looking forward to the epilogue! Notes while reading: pg 1: I think peppering some hints of The Plan through the book might be nice to make this surprising yet inevitable. pg 2: lots of philosophy on this page. We're at the end. If this is in here, it needs to go earlier on in the setup. pg 4: "She let that thought occupy her mind for the rest of the journey" --so up to here, this last chapter has mainly been exposition after the fact and philosophy. I think if this is the thrust of the story, it's better for the reader to realize it without having to be told. It would also be good to have some of this creep in earlier in the story. pg 10: The rest of this I thought was pretty good. General wrapup for the end of the story, and making sure all the players are where they need to be. I think overall, on the next edit, mainly looking at where information needs to be in the story will help with the flow of the narrative.

Alright! So this was an interesting premise. I think the prologue isn't really one so much as it's a chapter 1. It goes right into the next chapter. You're right this may be a hard sell. It's waffling in tone between comedic and just extremely painful (to the characters), so, like funny grimdark? I'm having a little trouble placing it. Still interested to read some more though! Notes while reading: pg 1: Ok, this is an interesting hook... pg 2: This might be going on too long? Or is the whole thing about sunglasses? pg 3: alright...it is a good question, but is this the basis of the story? pg 6: Interesting intro, and a good mix of bizarre comedy and some horror. I'm still not quite sure what the book is about. Watching S destroy the city? pg 10: There's a vivid picture painted here. There's a bit of pain for pain's sake though, in the story. pg 10: Ah. I see. So S is taking over here. pg 15: I'm hoping something brighter happens sometime during this book. It's set up to be pretty dark and bizarre, but the funny moments aren't really taking away from the bad ones right now. If anything, they might be accentuating them? The story is well-written and interesting, but I'm hoping we get more in the way of heroics with L in the next chapter.

Almost to the end! So like @Silk said, B might give up a little too easily? Or it's strange that no one else has called her on this before. The stuff about the larger universe sort of comes with a big "thud" at the end. I've asked about that before, but none of the characters have really thought about it so to say, "oh yeah and there are like a million other places like this too," takes away some of what they've been fighting for. Looking forward to the conclusion! Notes while reading: pg 4: I'm still not as invested in X's side of the story than A's. A lot of these first pages seem like combat to fill space. There are some revelations, but they're not at central to the story as A's. pg 8: The dominoes are starting to fall here, but I almost get the feeling they're falling too easily? Like, could any of the ministers in the last however many hundreds of years figured this out as well? pg 9: I'm also a little lost on the reasoning. Is B's whole thing that soldiers were predominantly male and guilty of more violence in the past? pg 11: And then one by one, the ministers voiced their agreement" --This would be great to see in dialogue. pg 13: "small little experiment" --Ah. I had wondered about this before, if there was a wider universe out there. Seems there is. I'm wondering if this will lead into a second or third book?

Okay, so late to the party as seems my lot for this year, but I'm reviewing this and the next sub at the same time: Agree with @Silk that some of this is repetitive, especially with X's sections. I think combining some of the events in the last chapters would be a good idea on the next pass. Most of this is going pretty smoothly toward the conclusion, however! Notes while reading: pg 2: Most of these two pages seem to set up the revelation that X is going to do the right thing, but that's what we've been seeing from him the whole time. I'm not sure this is really necessary this close to the end. pg 5: Good resolution with A and M. pg 6: "I brought him back to the surface" --I'm a little hazy on the blocking through these pages. Probably because it's been forever since I read the last chapter, but I think there needs to be some more description through here of where they are and how it's connected to the beach, town, etc. pg 9: "Her hands were bound" --Nice surprising yet inevitable moment. pg 10: "D promised to help take out S’s real killer." --I think that was a while ago...I don't remember it offhand. pg 13: Some more of the gender and society dynamics here. I think it could be a good thesis for the story if it's supported a lot stronger from the begining. pg 15: Nice twist at the end!

I didn't read the description before reading the sub, so I figured out on my own what this story was in response to. I think make an interesting point on its own, and is snappy enough to go in the zine. To the nitpicky point: I mentioned this below while reading, but I'm wondering what the response would be to this when the original was a thought experiment, a parable, and a warning all rolled into one. It's hard for me to have sympathy for the two characters at the end since we've already sort of fallen into the Omelas trap in our society (at least in the US). Children are ignored, abused, and mistreated so that others can live privileged lives. Anyway, sort of an interesting question and certainly worthy of more thought, so maybe that's the point of the story! Notes while reading: pg 2: ok, getting an idea for what this story is a response to... Pg 4: I wonder if there's too much description here for anyone familiar with the original story. I'm hoping for what the next step is and how this story is different. pg 10: I'm wondering at making a story out of a parable, when the original wasn't really concerned with the story itself.

So sorry for getting back late. I've been at WorldCon the past week in Glasgow. Overall, similar thoughts to @Ace of Hearts. I think trimming the first half to give more room for the fight and for a bigger resolution at the end will help. Notes while reading: Pg 2: so interesting start to this, and it seems like the world likes italian food as a defense against vampires, but the focus switched away to the apprentice and a focus on food prep, which isn't as interesting. Pg 4: we have a little more here on defenses against vampires... Pg 4: Aha! we have vampires. Pg 7: This is a fun story, but I think it takes too long to get off the ground. Cutting some of the descriptions of kitchen duty would leave more room for vampires and little more action pitting the apprentice against the lead vampire. I felt it was over a little too soon.

There should be plenty of spots left for this week, but I'll let @Silk have the final word. We're actually traveling together in person for WorldCon so I'll give her a poke in person too There's not really a cutoff for submissions, but it's best to send the actual submission out Sunday evening/Monday morning so people have a chance to see it. You can ask to sub anytime during the week, or even for the coming week.

Got to this one while waiting for my plane to Scotland! Overall, this was a good "payoff" chapter. We see a lot of fighting, but it's all in service of the characters and plot. I think B is a little weakened as a character just because H is a strong villain here, and has a reason for what he's doing. B is just sort of...causing trouble because she can? There's a lot about philosophical differences, but I think this is where leaning on the gender roles and whether clones are the same person earlier in the book will make M's reasoning stronger here. Notes while reading: pg 2: I was a little confused going into this because it's a bit of a jump from the last chapter. It's probably good to cut off getting into the fight here, but maybe throw a line or two of description to set where they are? pg 6: good fight with H. He seems a lot more real than the other villains. However, there's a line about A's energy draining, but there's not really any description of attacks landing. There's one right after I wrote this, but not any leading to that point. pg 14: good chapter overall! Not really any comments, but having H and B one after the other show how much more effective H is at being a villain. B comes across as more mustache-twirling, where H has a (twisted) reason for what he's doing. pg 15: Okay, I got lost on the last couple lines. Is B saying M is actually P? I think I'm getting lost with names we haven't seen in a while.

Apologies for the late reply! I've been super busy the past couple weeks. Pretty similar comments to @Ace of Hearts. The writing is pretty, and describes the characters well, but I'm not getting any sense of the plot as yet. There are some good glimpses of the world they live in, but some more clues on social interaction and technology would be nice as well. Notes while reading pg 3: at this point I'm still a little lost in the story. We've seen C react to some things, but I'm not sure what he's doing. He wants to see his mother and then is at therapy? pg 5: the writing is very poetic, but I'm still not quite sure what's going on in the story... pg 12: There was a lot of poetic description here, and some good portraits of the characters, but this felt like a bunch of slices in time. I'm not quite sure what was going on. Were they just waiting for his mother to arrive? I'm looking for the hook to get me into the story here, but I'm not seeing it.

Apologies again! This summer has been super busy and I haven't had a lot of time to critique. Generally the same response as @Silk. There's a lot of setup here, but not a lot happening. A lot of these conversations are about character building, and we're way far into the book to do that. We should know what all these characters do by now, so much that we know and understand what actions they will take. Assuming that for the reader will take a lot out of these chapters and the rest can be applied to strategic points in other chapters to keep the pacing strong here. Notes while reading: Pg 4: this is an interesting discussion, but I'm not sure it needs a whole half of a chapter around it. This could probably be condensed to a few paragraphs in another chapter. We're late in the book to be doing much character development so this slows the tension down. pg 7: This second section too, is a lot of preparation, that could probably condensed and combined with another. There's not a lot going on here. pg 7: "saw the glowing around the corner first" --They're already there? Where are they? This was an abrupt transition. pg 10: So this chapter seems to be a lot of setup, but we don't actually have many exciting parts here. This is another one I think could be split up and condensed into different chapters to keep the tension up this near to the end of the book.

It's not the name themselves. As @Mr. Misting says, it's that we don't have a strong connection to the characters yet.

Finally caught up! I agree that the focus on each soldier's interest isn't very interesting. You could focus on one or two maybe. A lot of the beats in this chapter were good, but I'm not sure they belonged here. I think this could be combined and re-sequenced with the last chapter. For example, the discussion of the body should probably come first. Freeing the soldiers is a BIG beat, and I think needs some time to breathe. That could be a whole chapter by itself, but focusing on what this means for the world instead of their hobbies (and why M hasn't done this before now). There's also a big emphasis on their opponents being stupid. I'm not really a fan on this. It means the characters are stupid for going along with thing for so long. It means there's no challenge to defeat them. I'd much rather have a smart opponent. Notes while reading: pg 1: I don't that any of this first paragraph is needed information pg 4: Freeing the crew is a touching moment, but then it goes back to their hobbies. I'm instead wondering what effect this might have on the rest of the world. Are they planning to free others? Recruit more soldiers? pg 4: "But one rogue overseer could free us all and turn us against the ministry?" --yeah, that's sort of what I've been wondering. Why didn't M do this before now, if they knew about it? pg 5: "I’m not convinced B is all that smart, either" --By now, all of the main villains have been dismissed as stupid. I'd much rather have very smart villains that need to be outwitted. pg 7: So I'm still thinking they could have had a successful revolution by now just by freeing a few soldiers... pg 8: "had already forgotten that thread with everything else going on" --me too. pg 10: "The Calamity doesn’t want to hurt people, not directly." --Eh? This is the thing that sends monsters to attack people? pg 13: "Tried to be the perfect minister who thinks only about pretty gardens, long chats with friends, and teaching little girls not to fight with each other.” --Is...this what ministers do? We haven't seen any of this.