Mandamon

I'd maybe just mention it in passing. Everyone's tucked away in their houses, or they're purposefully keeping so far away they can't hear any incriminating screams (or gunshots), or something like that.

I think most everything works here. The toxic relationship is very toxic, but hopefully anyone reading this would understand that as well. My main issue at this point is that I don't really have enough information about the villains and why they're doing this. A says he wants the magic of the land to make medicine, but will do anything to get it. That one's pretty good, but I don't know why he wants to make medicine. Just profit? Does he want to help someone specific? I don't know what A.J. wants, really. There seem to be a lot of factions in the village as well, although a lot of people just got killed off. Setting up the three factions a lot clearer at the beginning will help things. Also, it occurs to me that we haven't really seen the inhabitants of the village. We've seen the people in control. Wouldn't there be a big audience for the ritual? What are the rest of the villagers doing while multiple gunshots go off? Still very interested in the story though! Notes while reading: pg 1: “It’s been tough without you.” --barf. pg 1: "the bad thoughts away." --*go* away pg 3: “Can I do anything to be more attractive to you?” --stop talking? pg 4: well, that escalated quickly. These people don't seem to care about murder much. pg 7: "“Your vows,” I say." --Huh, okay, yes ridiculous, but you hung a lantern on it. I think that works! pg 9: nice chapter. Things are falling into place. pg 10: "As a full human with no magic" --wait, C is full human? I think that got lost somewhere. I'm wondering how/why she can be in charge of the village then. pg 11: “I appreciate how much effort you put in for my sake,” I say. --There is something deeply wrong with these people. I wonder if we need a little more reason why the entire village seems to be sociopaths? As well as the government agency? I think a little more depth to the villains might help make their case. pg 13: The top few paragraphs here are confusing. I still don't really remember who's affiliated with what and why A is different than A.J. It's connected to the note above, because I don't know what each side wants out of things. That means it's hard to follow the secondary characters as well, and who they're allied with. pg 14: “Good work stalling her,” --I mean...the characters are also getting cleaned out pretty quickly too... pg 15: Everyone's in the same place!

This had some good movement to it, and we learn some interesting things about B. I like W's little revelation. That's something I like in general about this book: people don't wallow in their errors forever. They make decisions and realize how they can change. I'm still getting a little mixed up on characters, now everyone's in play. Especially with who is who's child and how the three (four?) factions relate to each other. Having a little more setup earlier in the book would help. I can feel things wrapping up, though! How many more submissions do you estimate? Notes while reading pg 1: "makes them sound closer to a plea than a threat" --Why desperation? She seems to be fine with murder. Is there a reason she won't do it to W? pg 2: "But I can’t let myself get stuck on that" --Again, B flat out murdered someone, and they seem to be glossing over it. pg 2: "Sure, she killed F in cold blood" --not really a "sure" kind of statement... pg 3: “Then let me help you escape your father.” --okay, slightly confused on genealogy here, likely WRS. B is sibling to N and H, but by a different father? She's A.J.'s daughter, yes? but why did their mother shack up with him? pg 5: "put on that ridiculous outfit and style himself as a colonial explorer" --definitely need more background on A and the organization here. I'm getting a little lost with the details. pg 7: “Good thing I made it in time.” --could be a stronger end to the chapter. He was just there, right? So he probably wasn't too far away when W was freed. Maybe something like, "Good think I didn't go far?"

Really interesting chapters! Feels like things are coming to a head. No really comments on the first chapter. I think it's good to know what happens, but it's also not that important. It's something that could potentially be edited out and rolled into an explanation later on, if needed. I think almost everything works on the "going wrong" portion of things. Two places where I had a little trouble: 1) B murdered someone last chapter and now N is just taking her word. They've repeated a lot that they can't lie, but N also knows how that works. He knows the truth can be twisted. Maybe one more try/fail cycle in there to really convince him that B is presenting the facts accurately? W also doesn't really show herself well at this point. She's also just seen someone murdered, so maybe she's in shock? I would think she would protest a little more, though. 2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 3: okay, I think I actually like H for once. pg 3: Nothing really to comment on with chapter. It's short and to the point. pg 5: I'm interested where B fits into all of this and what leverage she has. pg 6: "A was the one who had her spend time with you." --I think some WRS on my part. I'd actually forgotten this. Maybe have a reminder sometime in the last couple chapters from W's POV so it's in the reader's mind? pg 7: "The way you got through to An and H was incredible" --okay, good reference on this one, especially since it was quick on W's part. But she was never really a negotiator in the early parts of the book, was she? pg 9: "After all, C is as good as I’ll get." --Oof. N really is damaged. I think having his POV here gives us some good insights into that. --on the other hand B just straight up murdered someone. I feel like that should factor into things more. pg 9: "I don’t bother looking for a response " --yes, but W probably makes some sound or action, right? Does he hear anything as he walks away? Is there a protest? pg 9: "I bite my lip. B killed C’s mother. " --hmmm...a bit of plotfulness here. I get N is pretty damaged and pliable, but a lot of things just aren't adding up. Wouldn't he say what happened? pg 10: "“Agent J brought me here saying that we’re working together to defeat A.” --I wonder if we need a little more information on each agency before this point? I wasn't honestly sure that the agency and Arch. weren't the same thing. pg 11: "but being with someone who makes me uncomfortable is better than being alone" --is it, though?

I'd say if you want to look at using this character, there's plenty of space to without drawing too much conflict with people with disabilities. I'd look to how Black Bolt is portrayed in Marvel for one. He has a powerful voice and can't speak or he'll kill people. So he's another one who much choose whether to speak or not.

Really great to see N and W back together. I have some notes below on the romance scene. I think it could definitely be expanded a little, just to give some more detail past simply kissing. It would be good to know what N's thoughts are on how far he's willing to go, maybe earlier in the book? The next chapter is mostly setup for the big reveal at the end, but I'm eager to see what happens next! Notes while reading: pg 2: "We think the Aegis killed your aunt" --I'm wondering if we should know a little more about them by now? All we know is they're some shadowy government-associated organization. pg 3: "But is it selfish of me to hold N back?" --hold him back from what? Is there something in the Fey realm for him? pg 6: there's a bit of a question here whether W is deliberately using sex (or physical contact in some form) as a bargaining tool to keep N here. I guess I don't really know where N falls in that range, and if this is an effective strategy, but it can get into questionable morals. pg 8: "I’m ready to make you happy again" --this phrase is used several times. I'm not sure of the target age group for this book, but that can be taken...er...several ways. But that's in contrast as all they seem to be doing is kissing and touching each other's hair. Basically being "good" with their hands and not going anywhere else. It seems at least like one of them might ask about or confirm that's what they're doing. pg 12: “That’s the spirit. We’ll be stronger by working together.” --great conversation through here. One of the themes I really like about this book is that they characters talk to each other about their problems and actually come to resolutions. pg 13: "F catches up to us" --I was a little confused through here. I thought they were talking with F at first, and wondering why she was catching up. I think just a little clarity on the blocking. pg 14: "We don’t want to draw any more Aegis attention with violence" --but they're planning to kill of of it's members? pg 16: Aha! Great swticheroo. Sorry to see F go, though...

I agree with @Ace of Hearts on this one. I was seeing a lot of overlap with disability in this one, and M basically saying he couldn't have a full life because he didn't speak. Pulling a bit more of the powers aspect in earlier, or at least hinting at it, will give us more tension and potentially avoid that touchy subject. That will also give you some words to add, helping to explain why he is how he is, without revealing everything. Notes while reading: pg 1: "missed that part of his life, or what that part of it could have been like." --Is this because he signs instead of speaks? Because that's not really an impediment to having a relationship... pg 2: "It would be one thing if he physically couldn’t talk" --I'd just be careful where you land on this story between implying that someone who doesn't speak can't have a full life, and whether M is just avoiding that part of life because he thinks he can't. pg 4: ok, the payoff at the end made M's decisions make more sense, but I still don't see why he excludes himself from daily life. Does he think he can't control not speaking? If so, it would be good to add something about that near the beginning. Right now, I wasn't expecting any powers until they showed up, so hinting more at that will give us more tension.

I didn't make any notes on this one as I read. It went quick, and nothing obviously wrong. It was light and enjoyable. However, I think @Ace of Hearts has some good points. I had a fair bit of WRS as well, since it's been a while since we read some of this. On the tension side, maybe a restatement of the objective near the beginning? I recall the last chapter was at the warehouse, so I also lost the thread a little starting out back at a house. Even something like "it was time for my X o'clock meeting with C on Y Z." On the hook side, There's obviously something going on with the weight of the D's, but the chapter ends before we get any further development. I assume that's coming later, but maybe D can make some guesses, even if they're wrong? This isn't the same case with grandma, is it? I can't remember the reason she's being asked to investigate this one. A restatement of that would also help. So basically, some clarification on deductions and goals, but overall it reads smoothly.

Similar thoughts on this submission as the last one. Both of these are sort of "let's fix the secondary characters." It works better with A, because we've seen their relationship before. With H, it's very much as if she's unlocking NCP dialogue. Then there's a big switch back to plot in the next chapter with a bunch of different characters showing up again. I wonder if the last few chapters could be restructured so all these things are happening in parallel? Then W can work a little with A, some with H, maybe get a communication from G that they're coming back, and so on. It might work more organically and hide some of the "NPC unlock" dialogue. Notes while reading: pg 1-2: Yep, so this also is setting up to treat a character relationship like a task to do. Yes, it's helping them, but the whole arc here is making the other characters happier, which usually comes around organically in a story as people get to know each other better. pg 4: The progression with A last chapter felt more natural, as he and W dated before. W aggressively trying to "help" H here seems different, like that's the plot that she needs to follow now. pg 6: "So it’s weird seeing all three of you… notice me so much." --this just seems...strange. I'm not sure why. Like H's personality is to be gruff and not really talk with anyone else. He even mentions that he doesn't make friends quickly. But then he is with W. pg 10: Good information through here, and I'm glad someone is finally explaining things. However, I'm not sure why H is doing so. We don't know enough about him yet to know why he's so gruff all the time, and why W was able to change him. Now he's all chatty and expository. pg 11: “Haven’t gotten all of the NPC dialogue out of me yet?” --Okay, I was actually going to make a comment about how it seems W did the right quest bits to get H to talk. That's part of what seems off about this chapter. --Also, where is A the whole time? pg 13: “Not an attack,”...“But they are planning to head over and assess the situation.” --This chapter seems disconnected from the last two, like W has fixed her friends so now the plot can progress. Do we know what A&J's aims are? We don't know much about them. pg 15: Ah, good! N's back.

Similar thoughts to @Silk on this one. I think this section can still work, but it's got it's own little mini-arc that isn't really tied to the rest of the book. Having some sort of crossover, even behind the scenes (like N understands these relationships need to happen before he and W can be happy, or something like that) will help connect this to the main plot more. Right now it reads as little like W's catching up on tasks while waiting for N to get back. A is there, so she's fixing him first, and then will (I assume) move on to H. Agree with this. Why is is such a secret? Notes while reading: pg 4: This is an interesting development with A, but it's definitely not the main theme of the book. It's a good character building section, but I worry that it's slowing things down a bit. pg 5: still not a lot going on that isn't just character building through here. Can there be something else to progress the plot as well? pg 7: Some good character realizations again. This whole section has good progression, but only on A and W, which I wasn't really thinking as the main theme of the story. pg 11: "Once this is over, the three of us can be the friend group" --I think this gives a good motive to everything that's going on in this chapter. Like I said above, it's good character development, but if it could be also tied into the rest of the book, or make W's directive to help the others more pressing (maybe even related to the magic in some way?) then it gives more of a reason for it.

Interesting read! Yes, the absence of N is definitely noticeable. If it's not for too many chapters, I think it's ok, but I wouldn't go too long. These were very much "assembling the team" sort of chapters. It's sort of weird that W is collecting all the secondary characters--it seems a little plotful. I'll be interested to see how the next submission goes. It was fun to develop the other characters a little, but as this is a romance story of sorts, not having the primary couple both in the story is a little weird. I wonder if we can see a little of N in these chapters, maybe in a quick check-in or something? Notes while reading: pg 1: "Walking barefoot all of the way " --Wait, why is she barefoot again? pg 3: H seems pretty self-sufficient. I'm not sure why W feels the need to protect him. pg 3: "What’s his game, then?" --It seems a little weird that they sensed the agent. Is he magical or something? Hugo I might understand, but I'm not sure why he's creeping around in the bushes... pg 5: Yes, everyone is trying to stay calm here, but I wonder if Mom might show a little more surprise or emotion? pg 5: "no offense" --H says this a lot. Always where it means the opposite. pg 6: Did we know about H's mom and F both being trans before? No judgement on that, but I'm not sure why it's coming up now. pg 8: I think this chapter is a good sequel to the last chapter, taking account of everything that's happened. It doesn't leave a strong direction for what's coming next however, and H doesn't really get any more likeable. It sort of ends on a down tension beat, which makes it a natural stopping point. This may be some of what other readers are responding to. pg 10: What relation to who is B, again? We may need some reminders now there are so many fey characters running around. pg 14: So W is starting her own little fey boarding house now? I'm still not quite sure where this is heading. It's a bit of a switch for W, and this is starting to feel like a second story. pg 17: "because this is where I have a real chance to make a difference." --I can see where people got frustrated with this part. Depending on how many chapters we get before seeing N again, the relationship dynamic starts to get a little weird through here. W is gathering the secondary characters, but I'm not really sure enough of the overarcing plot that I know why we're focusing on them. Will we get a POV for N? Seeing them both working toward their goals might be fun, but only sticking with W leaves out part of the story.

I thought the emotion was great through this whole section. The beats land well for N, A, and W. The werewolf part I did not see coming, but gives an interesting twist to what comes next! Speaking of which, this seems like the end of act 1 of the story. I was not expecting N and W to get separated, so I'm wondering how that will affect the next section, as I really like their chemistry. I'm still not sure where the story is going overall, whether we're going to have two different plotlines inside and outside the fey realm, or what. Definitely still engaged with the story and looking forward to what comes next. Note while reading: pg 2: “But you are right,” she says, “That I must capture you.” --unclear on who this is. I thought just A, but it seems like the whole group maybe? pg 3: "she shifts her weight to her shoulder and rams into me" --I think technically, "she shifts her weight and her shoulder rams into me" since you can't really shift your weight to a shoulder. pg 3: "Within seconds, hair starts to grow on A's face." --Whaa...was not expecting that. pg 3: "can’t be killed without a silver bullet" --who said anything about killing? And does anyone here have a silver bullet? pg 4: "the day after when I ignored H. the next day" --some repetition. Also ick. pg 4: “I’m never letting you control me again.” --oh good. pg 4: "a study stance" --not sure what this is. pg 5: "spite is the better of two evils." --Not a great look for N, though. I've never seen him as spiteful. pg 7: Good chapter. Nice to see N stepping up. pg 7: "useless dress shoes." --repetition. pg 7: "followed by her running back off" --awkward. pg 12: Great character section through here, though it feels a lot like an ending! Not sure where the story is going after this, but I'm interested to see!

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I think the pace here is great for this point in the book. I feel like this is about halfway through, at which point the story should switch from "the monster chases us" to "we chase the monster." There are a couple places where I was confused what W knows vs. what N knows. Might be WRS, or might be the story. I don't think anything happens too quickly, but just make sure W has all the facts she needs for this chapter. Especially at the end, there are a lot of names thrown around and I'm not sure W would know who all those people are. Overall, I liked these chapters! We get good character development in the interrupted dance, and some good plot progression. Notes while reading: Pg 3: Good reveal through here. Makes sense with N doesn't want anything to do with his family and the village. I'm interested to learn what the effect was of what happened. Hopefully it was big, for the sacrifice. pg 4: "It’s hard not to get pulled in by the sparkles" --So does he have some sort of physical or genetic attraction to glitter? Or just that he really likes it? pg 7: “Then you shouldn’t have done a backflip,” --er, yep. I'm wondering what/why he's showing off here. pg 7: “It, er, might not be a girl I’m interested in, though. I’m, uh, bi.” --I think it says something to the story that I wasn't even surprised by this. Or has he said it before? pg 10: Good dance scene, and some nice awkward teenager stuff. pg 11: Aha, and now on to plot! pg 12: "So Ar does have someone like me with him to pass through the boundary." --This threw me for a minute, but I guess it makes sense. pg 12: “I’m sorry to cut this short" --wait, shouldn't N be coming along? He's sort of central to this. --Ah, A answers this later. pg 14: "Even wearing running gloves" --Was this stated before? I don't remember it coming up. pg 14: “You’re a fairy, aren’t you?” --ahem, he already said he was bi... ;-) pg 15: “You already took me there, didn’t you?” --Wait, I thought she knew this already. Didn't they visit the village? pg 16: “And she told me that I was a victim of that incident too.” --It's not really that big a reveal just for N to say he knows Aunt H. Was there more to this? pg 17: "What I’m trying to figure out is why you’re taking this well" --I thought W knew most of this by now? Didn't she hear how the attack went previously? Or am I confusing N and W POVs? pg 19: "the woman I don’t recognize says" --Bit of a blocking issue through here. How many women are there? I thought the one W didn't recognize was N's mother? --Oh, it's F. Okay. Maybe just clarify how many people in the first description. pg 19: “We’ll make sure she doesn’t,” B says." --who is this? pg 20: good reveal at the end! I like A a lot more this time around.

Similar thoughts to @Silk and @ginger_reckoning on this one. I don't think it's too slow, and I agree the emotional side of the relationship can be brought out some more. Both N and W often act very logical when confronting complex emotional decisions, and while it's refreshing to see that, some more emotion, or at least consequence would be good. I'll also second what Silk said about there not being any real response to W disobeying her amma. Notes while reading: pg 2: I'm not sure what all is bothering me about this. I think it's that the "nefarious" plan isn't very evil? The person who has feelings for another person has to...keep having those feeling to heal their mother. I'm sure there's more to it, but I want some other hint of the real problem here. pg 3: “Oh, there’s still anxiety for us aroace people." --I wonder if we can have a little more about how mom and amma's relationship works? Since it is tied directly to the story and isn't a very common pairing, it might be good to give a little more about how they function together. pg 6: This is another very carefully laid out interaction between W and N. While I like how direct it is, it's definitely not the norm for teenagers. Both parties ask about things in a very logical manner which...is not what teenagers generally do. pg 7: “If you ever want to date, I’ll do what I can to make you happy.” --this sounds very clinical... pg 8: Aha. Glad they're starting to see more of each other's story. pg 10: "My village and people like me who are born there aren’t normal." --compared to what? They both already know about magic, but people are people, right? pg 10: okay, are they playing Everdell or Root? pg 14: Not quite sure what I think of the last page or so. This might be another too little and too much information parts. Amma has a lot of information about the village, which makes it sound like they know what's going on. So if their child is in danger, wouldn't it make sense to tell them who exactly to avoid and why? This is similar to the magic conversation earlier, where it's hard to rationalize amma keeping W in the dark. pg 15: “And I can’t let myself fall in love with you,” I say. “As much as I want to. Nobody wins if I get sucked further into this.” --This is again all very clinical. Teenagers for the most part have very little control on their emotions, autistic or not. pg 16: I like that they're going to the dace. That gives a little more of the "danger" side of making emotional decisions.

I think your characters are enjoyable to read, and have good motivations, but I'm having trouble following a lot of the plot of the story. For example, I keep being surprised when high-velocity vehicles are mentioned, as most of what we see is in a camp with relatively low technology. I'm also not sure if they're a space-faring people, or if this is warring countries, or even cities. This chapter we finally get a connection with B to some people in power, but I still don't know what they do or how the world works. Having a chapter near the beginning to help lay out what people do and what sort of lives they lead might help. Notes while reading: pg 2: there seems to be a lot of import happening here, but I'm not sure what it is. pg 3: "the later they would remember they had an audience." --is she hidden in some way? how did she get into this meeting between heads of state? pg 3: "if they even remembered she " --ok, so they know she's in here. Does she have some invitation? There are only four people in this room total. pg 4: Ah, finally some connection! So B is the nephew of some sort of ruler? I still don't really understand what's going on in the larger picture. pg 5: "You must have had a long journey" --Ah, so L is there for some reason. Having some hint of this before now will help. pg 7: “I have a few questions about M" --I'm still really hazy on all the people names and places. I think they need to be explained more so the reader remembers them.

Similar comments to the others. I'm not quite sure what either of these chapters add. There's a whole other society here not related to the plot we've seen so far, and I don't have a good enough grasp on the characters to know what they're doing. I can tell there's a lot of great worldbuilding going on behind here, but I don't know people's reasons for what they do. Focusing on the characters first and bringing out a little more of their wants and goals will help tell the reader how the worldbuilding fits in. Notes while reading: Ch 2: I'm not sure what was changed here, but I'll keep reading and see what pops up. pg 7: ok, so I see how this ties in with the prologue... pg 9: It seems like a large secondary story is being introduced here, when I haven't quite got the gist of the first story yet. pg 10: There's a lot of new tech and places/people going on here. pg 13: I'm not quite sure what's happening here. There's a lot of walking around and trying to get into places, but I don't know who L is or what her objective is. pg 15: So the end reveal doesn't really work here, because I don't know anything about these people or what the title means. He's some sort of important person that is helping another person into a chamber, but the people and places are so different from the rest of the story I'm confused.

Similar comments to the others. I think the biggest thing lacking here is the big push into the second act. A has been pretty passive, and that continues with his meeting with O. He's concerned about getting hurt, but then nothing happens. He's given a chance to act freely in the city, but I don't really know what he would do. Having something big that he's aiming for will help a lot with the second act. pg 1: probably WRS, but was C mad at A? Also, I'm still not sure what they're going to do with the chickens. pg 7: "when they talked about tools and pawns." --I think the poppy growing was a good demonstration, but I'm starting to get a little lost on what the objective is for this chapter. Taking A to this place seems a little disconnected from the rest of the story so far. A thinks he might be in danger, but it's just a demonstration of his powers. pg 8: “You’re not hurt, are you?” --I think if there was a more salient threat in the meeting, this would resonate better. pg 10: "She is the best we have, so you don’t have to worry about being found out.”" --Ah, this is where this is going. It think it needs a little prefacing near the top of the chapter that A is concerned about going out, or being used, or something. pg 11: "He was certainly putting up with a lot to achieve his goal." --Which is what exactly? pg 13: "It was odd, trusting a relative stranger with information that so far he had only told C" --This seems odd, telling someone about a powerful secret that is the key to his uniqueness. Doesn't he need to keep this silent? pg 14: "And he did. Miracles flowed through the city like water onto dry, cracked ground." --so is his goal just to heal people here? I'm missing the larger picture of how this will affect the story in the long run. Especially as this is going into the second part, having a stronger objective will help. Edit: Not sure why this was marked as a spoiler...

I agree with @kais and @ginger_reckoning on this one. There's way too much going on in this prologue that isn't useful to the rest of the story so far. I couldn't keep track of the names or events, and I feel like if I read this first I'd be very confused going into the rest of the story afterward, wondering where any of these people were. I'm interested to see what's in the next chapter that requires this, and whether this could be introduced in the progression of the story, rather than requiring a prologue. Notes while reading: pg 2: I had to check which book I was reading. This is a LOT different than anything in the other submissions. pg 4: This is interesting, but I'm not recognizing anything from any of the other submissions... pg 5: wait...is the Presence supposed to be in a different font? I thought it was just an error. If so, I'd use something else to distinguish it. pg 6: There's a lot going on here. I'm having a little trouble following for the military plans and the A's story, and I'm also wondering how this connects at all with the rest of the story I've read. pg 6: "They were a race of Runic artists without quite knowing it." --Ahh. Here's the connection. I still don't really understand enough of the world after 5 chapters to understand how all this plays in, however. pg 7: "He had to get the Presence out." --I thought this was a telepathic connection or something, but it seems to be a physical thing to? I'm not really sure what it is. pg 7: "it would be as simple as following the length of a hair to find a skull." --Usually if I find a hair, it's not still attached... pg 13: So this was a cool intro, but it seems like a completely different story. So much so I wonder if this prologue is necessary? Or if things get into this later on, could they just come up in natural progression?

Similar thought to @kais on this one. I think the first chapter is pretty heavy and infodumpy, but the emotions in the second chapter are excellently conveyed. I wonder if we could have a little of the revelation in the first chapter the first time N goes to the village? Then maybe this one won't be so heavy. There's also a lot that seems like it's continuing a conversation, but I'm pretty sure these characters haven't spoken in a while. Notes while reading: pg 1: F's expounding over N is a little weird. Have they not seen each other in years or something? I'm still not sure who she is in relation to N. pg 2: “Since I have no idea how those eleven years would have turned out" --So he's gone from here eleven years? Except he came back a couple days ago... pg 3: A lot of new names here when describing the accident. I'm a little confused why all this is coming up now, when N seems to have lived fairly close to his village. pg 3: "the cold iron sword" There's a lot of new stuff coming out on this page, and it's all in description. Putting it in conversation will make it more meaningful, and maybe address why it's all happening now. pg 4: “It’s more about your family, actually.” --So this whole chapter so far seems disconnected. What does all this have to do with the rest of the plot? It's all coming out as a sort of infodump, and I'm not familiar with most of the names, so I'm not that invested with them. pg 4: “Did you ever wonder how I ended up adopting C?” --Not sure what any of this has to do with anything... pg 4: "A chill runs down my spine. Changelings." --Yeah, this seems to be veering far away from what we've read so far... pg 5: “A twin sister." --I feel like I'm reading a different book in this chapter... pg 7: “I made you some of the special bread you showed me how to bake." --This seems random... pg 8: I think my issue with this chapter is all the characters are talking like they're continuing a conversation from the day before or something, when most of this information is new and N has been talking about how he's been estranged from the village. They're also talking about killing people and keeping kids from crying in the same breath... pg 9: So I wonder if this chapter should be split up into a couple or spread out a bit more? There's a lot going on here, and a lot of it is completely new revelations about characters we don't know much about. pg 14: I like this chat between W and A. It clears the air of a lot of things and shows good development for W. pg 16: Also good stuff between N and W here. It's good for both of them. pg 18: The last half of this submission is really good. I love the way you show emotion. The first half is pretty information dense, and could probably have some of those revelations dropped in piece by piece.

I agree that's part of the genre, but maybe it needs to come later? We don't have a deep enough grasp on the MC's reasoning for things yet, and also in this section it wasn't really tied in with the plot. It might be better to add this sort of thing in when she's looking for the warehouse? Basically, I think there needs to be a plot element involved, not just "hey, look at the city."

I agree with @kais on this one. I was sort of lost for most of the chapter and got a big squick from R's observations about N. I feel like we don't know enough about the dynamic between the characters to really get all the subtlety of what's going on. I thought R was concerned about B being attracted to N, not K. Cutting this down a bit a focusing the conversation on the specific plot and character points may help tighten this up. Notes while reading: pg 2: "How snug that dress had become in places that were loose before" --There's a lot of male gaze here, and I'm also not sure why R feels so protective of her, even if he does see himself as her surrogate father. Have there been problems in the past? pg 5: I'm also not sure where all R's resentment of B comes from. We haven't actually been shown anything so far. pg 8: There's a lot of talk about plants here. I'm still not sure why the crackle grass is important. pg 9: "We can’t keep avoiding the topic" --what topic? I'm not sure of the subtext here. pg 10: Wait...K is the one interested in N? I thought it was B? pg 13: I think I was on the wrong foot for this entire chapter. I was thinking it was R being upset that B was interested in N, but it was about K. Maybe some introduction at the beginning will help set the tone?

I think cutting this chapter down significantly would help. I didn't feel much connection or movement in the first section as most all of it is in A's head. There's not much movement in the plot or the characters here, and a big history dump from M in the middle. I want more reasons to care about WHY M is so weaselly and acting strange. Otherwise, yes, it seems like a lot of this is repeated information. The second part was better, but again, there's not a lot of direction to the plot. Stating at the beginning that C is looking for information about M will help direct it. Notes while reading: pg 2: “How many times do you think you could pull this off?” --meaning taking G's place? I'm still not entirely sure what the plan is with the chickens. pg 3: "After some time" --These first few pages are pretty slow. I wonder if they could be condensed down to a few paragraphs? pg 5: "I’m not going to help you." --Still not sure what they're (not) helping with. pg 6: I'm surprised L doesn't ask more questions. pg 6: "they had made good progress" --on what? pg 7: Is something else happening at the same time? This a lot of internal monologue from A, but not a lot that's affecting the plot. pg 7: "could feel the material." --Not sure what material pg 7: "there was about twenty-five pounds of the stuff, --what? What's going on? pg 8: "it has only been one day." --I thought it had been a couple? pg 10: "That’s horrifying," This is good conversation, and at least we have two characters now, but the whole chapter has been in A's head. Can we have some description of movement, or what's going on? Is he still just sitting at at table? pg 11: This might actually have been too much history? We don't have reasons for knowing this yet, so I fell like it's going to lead to a lag in tension later on. pg 11: "was perhaps not the most noble or righteous of gods" --*cough*understatement*cough* pg 12: Ok, I think what I find strange about M is that he says he's a god, he does god-type actions, but he speaks and acts like a sort of confused human. I keep expecting him to say "yeah, I touched this weird rock and got my god powers. I'm as clueless as you." Pg 13: I think this whole section can be cut down a lot to just the essentials. What moves the plot forward? What changes the character? pg 16: "they realized they had no idea what, exactly, they were to do here. " --I feel like this is sort of a running theme in this chapter. I'm not completely sure what's going on. pg 17: "This was going to take a while. " --So they do know what they're going to do. Maybe stating this at the beginning of the section, or how they're suspicious or something to direct the arc.

I thought this was a good start to chapter 2, but I'm not sure it's finished yet. The end of the chapter one is better, but still has a disconnect to me. Now her parents are talking about the resistance and she's thinking something completely different, but we don't really see that interaction. I was not expecting her to just go to the government. I think it could be a good twist, but we need to see more of what's going on in her head with that decision. The second chapter, I mainly wondered why no one was stopping a girl wandering around a government campus. How did she randomly find that room, and what was going to happen? I feel like the arc of the chapter still needs a conclusion as to what she's stumbled into or why she hasn't been stopped. Notes while reading: pg 1: "The talents I possess are most certainly my powers" --pretty obvious. pg 1: Watch out for comma splices through here. There are a lot. pg 2: "This could all be a ploy to get you to go willingly” --have we heard about G before? If not, it would be good to have some prior knowledge to make this a threat pg 3: “Join the resistance," --again, this is pretty sudden. pg 3: "You’re going to the resistance, and that’s final.” --this doesn't quite seem right. It's not like "go to your room" or "you're grounded." The goverment is literally coming to take her away, which is a higher threat than her mother's commands. pg 4: "you’ll want to leave for the resistance " --there's still a big disconnect between what the MC is thinking about how it's not a bad idea, and mom telling her what to do. There's no acknowledgement that she's thinking something completely different. pg 4: "it’ll let me keep in touch" --I'm assuming this is like a phone? In a dystopian world where the government is watching everyone? pg 5: "let them pull me away." --Does...she know where she's going? pg 6: oh, wait. So she's just completely ignoring her parents? Not even trying for the resistance? I did not get that from the last chapter at all. pg 7: "Maybe I can fix my headache the same way" --fabric backpacks and complex biological computers are very different things... pg 8: “I’m your superior," --Is this supposed to be B? pg 9: "My job was to river you, not to babysit you.” --Drive? Also, this is the government. There is literally a person for everything that happens. pg 11: "A pile of cards lies forgotten" --and then what? This doesn't seem like a full arc for this chapter. I'm also wondering that no one stops a young girl who is wandering around a military base.

I think I was also missing some of the emotional connection, but I'm not sure it was because of the half-chapter. The beginning seems a little long, and I'm not sure what P's intro does here as the focus is on the check-up and discovering the factory. Other than that, and enjoyable read. Grandma is...just no. On the plus side, she make me hate Y less, so that's probably good. Making Y a necessary addition by remembering things is a good way to up the proactivity/capability scale when the sympathetic one is down to the floor. Notes while reading: pg 1/2: the banter is fun but maybe a little long through here. pg 2: Was P introduced before? Can't remember. I feel like we're getting a lot of new characters through here, but none of them are the client. pg 5: “I haven’t really thought about it" --she was literally just thinking about it...