Mandamon

Thanks @Ace of Hearts! Great comments. Yes, I think you might not be the target audience especially if you haven't seen the thing this is parodying (hint, it's here). Glad this came through! I wanted to have a little more context to the "why" here since the original short is very light on motivation (or reasoning in general). Did you not see anything until after page 8, or is this including the innuendo through the rest of the story?

Yes. I was trying to come up with something to rhyme with "bryl creme" and that popped into my head. I meant that M patched through regardless, but either works. Added a sentence. Good idea. Added one sentence there and one near the end. Yes, I think it works better. Thanks!

Have I mentioned before that you're a bad influence? Probably? Hm, yeah. I figured it would be obvious either way so decided to just ... let it be obvious. Do I need to obfuscate a little bit? I think it's fine for a short story Sooo my original conception for this story was to have the antagonist try to trigger an actual, rebirth-of-the-universe big bounce, then I let my own suspension of disbelief get in the way and backed off. So... literal end of the universe not too much after all? Yes, absolutely go for the most over the top explanation! That's what I was expecting.

Sending back line edits with some typos and things as well. Overall, I liked this, but I wanted more connection with the experiment to the title, and more specifically, what it would actually do to the station. I'd also like a lot more physical descriptions and interaction, especially given the theme of the anthology. I think it's a good start, but just needs a little more to make it boom. Notes while reading: pg 1: "And it had started with a slow leak." --I feel like this is disconnected from the effect above it because of all the explanation in between. pg 2: "Super Massive Hadron Collider" --Is there a "hardon collider" joke coming? Because it seems like there is. (narrator: there was no joke) pg 2: "The commbank pulling" -> "The commbank is pulling" (Putting the rest of these in line edits) pg 3: "“Not yet." --This is also a bit hard to read. I think it's in answer to a question two paragraphs ago? pg 5: "“Did the lights just go out for you too?” ' --Aren't they in the same place now? pg 5: Confused here. M says, “Be at Bravo Zeta in five,” which I assume means physically meeting S, but they seem like they're still talking online. pg 7: "“Thanks,” I murmur to the maintenance man’s retreating back." --so did M leave the area? Confused about where they are. Are they physically in this system, or is it all virtual? pg 7: “I don’t mind waiting.” --M needs to meet up with security, but is catching their breath? pg 8: “And now we’re trapped here.” --which is where, exactly? pg 8: "Why keep us trapped on the rest of the station?” --still not sure where S is physically. pg 11: "is abandoned" --repetition with the start of the paragraph pg 11: “Of course. We call it a ghost field.” --ok, well all of this just took a left turn... pg 14: yeah, figured it was C. pg 15: "I’m not going to let the station fall apart." --sooo...what was the plan? Start a mini-big bounce in the station? Not clear on the objective. pg 17: "had to do it this way" --Still not entirely sure what C is doing? I want it to be a big end of the universe thing, but I feel like it would just inconvenience the station for a bit and then it would restart. pg 17: "throwing his arms around me" --So, this doesn't actually have a lot of physical contact, for the topic. pg 19: I think the ending is satisfying, but I want a little more out of the whole thing. A little more bang, and adventure! Some more comments in the line edits pertaining to the anthology itself.

Welcome back! It's been quiet. I'm sort of torn on the interlude. It doesn't seem to have anything to do with anything else we've seen so far, so I'm not sure what it's doing except introducing a rather unsavory character. I'm sure it will tie into something later, but I'd like a few more connections with something else we've seen so far. I don't have a whole lot of comments on this intro to the second part. I think part is that it's been almost a month since I last read submission of this, so I'm forgetting the characters, but it seemed like, with the introduction of three more characters, it was getting to be too many, especially since I don't think I really knew the team members well enough before now. I'll have to see what happens with the next sections. I'm interested in A trying to keep her whole team alive, so that's a good reason to keep reading. There's a lot of hijinks going on with the people in control. Maybe we're going to learn more about that next time? Notes while reading: Pg 2: I was thinking the Doomspeaker was A. at first, but I guess this is someone else. pg 5: well, he's awful. Truthful, but awful. Pg 10: not too much to comment on through here. Everything's getting set up for the next part. Pg 14: Ah. The cloning thing is clearer now. I think I was just assuming that's what they were doing from the beginning. pg 16: Does Am. have a connection to T? Sounds like he knows him. Or is he just being a decent person? pg 18: Partially it's being on a break for a month. but I think it's getting to the point where there are too many characters active to keep track of.

Hi Folks! This is a very silly story I'm going to submit to an anthology before Dec 17, so feedback before then will be appreciated! Let me know of any comments you have, and bonus points if you guess what it's an homage to!

Oh hey, I can submit here too! Can I have a slot for the 4th? Subbing a story that needs to be entered to an anthology by the 17th.

I though this was a good ending to part 1! We get a lot of resolution, and I really like the twist at the end. I'm happy to critique more, and fine with continuing with part 2. There's definitely some worldbuiling aspects that can be made clearer in the first part, but overall, the story itself is proceeding well. I'm interested to see where it goes in the next part. I'm assuming our heroes will look for the next Big Bad to find out what's going on. Looking forward to the next part! Notes while reading: pg 3: the fight descriptions could probably be cut down a bit. I like P's thinking behind what he can do, but the actions themselves don't really matter except in the larger picture. pg 5: "exoskeleton exploded" --Does this have any negative effects aside from him not being armored? He doesn't seem to be stunned, he can still summon weapons, and reacts fast. It's a big moment, but doesn't seem to do much to slow him down. pg 5: "was going to drown." --as, is this is? The exoskeleton also lets them breathe under the ocean? In that case I would have expected some flailing from P, or choking, or something if he's going to an air bubble to nothing. pg 9: Good scene through here. Gives a good reason to recruit the deserters, and P's sacrifice is a good motivator. pg 12: "looking back" --Aha! Great twist.

Definitely an end to the first part! There's a lot of things happening here, but I'm not sure all of them really got set up. The bit at the beginning with L is especially confusing. I'm not sure what the plan is there or why a princess would be involved. I think a few more hints on the mysterious voice and on A's abilities might help as well to make this more surprising yet inevitable, rather than just surprising. Thoughts while reading: Pg 1: I'm not sure what preserving just the memory of the soldiers will do? pg 1: "when she passed people in town" --I still don't think we've gotten a good description of where the town is compared to the shore where the defenders are. Sounds like it's very close if she can take a morning run from the town and be there. pg 1: Not sure what's going on here with the plan. It's putting L in danger evidently, but isn't she the royal heir and really bad person to put into danger? pg 2: "You think we’re poorly treated now?" --L is poorly treated? Confused. pg 2: I'm not sure what's happening through here at all. She got stats on the deserters last chapter, right? Is that what they're working off of? Very confused. pg 3: "No sign of them yet" --this is the deserters, right? pg3 : " they might not have an excuse to go as hard on us. Which means we might get better lives our next reincarnation.” --Wait, do the ministers control the reincarnation? I thought it just sort of happened. pg 3: "If we convince the pro-soldier ministers that we’re willing to die for them, it will be better for us in the long run.” -- I feel like I'm missing something between the last chapter and this one. pg 5: They're going on a bunch about how they're all going to die and we don't even know what the plan is. I think we need a little more on what attack they're expecting and why the soldiers all think they're going to die. pg 6: “It’s go time.” --Maybe a little more about what the heck the mysterious voice is whispering in her head? pg 8: We just go straight into fighting, but it's a little hazy for me still. I still don't really know why our heroes are doomed and what they would need to do to succeed. pg 10: This weird voice in her head seems like a bit of a deus ex machina. Have we had any hint of it before? pg 15: So there's a lot going on here suddenly. I think a little more buildup before this point might help with hints about the mysterious voice, and what their plan is, and what weapons A uses. They all come in at key moments here but I'm not sure they're built up enough to really show what's happening.

I think overall the plot is progressing well. There are a couple odd character things going on, mainly the relationship with A and her mother, and her lack of command of the soldiers (both commented on below) . Mainly I think we just need some more information. This was originally described as having a steep learning curve, but I haven't seen any reason it needs to be. There are enough cool things going on with this world that it will take a while to explore them, and there are plenty of secrets. So completely explaining everything else will make it a lot more accessible. How do the soldiers/ministers arrive? Who are they fighting? Are there other people? How big is this place they're in? All these are not really needed for the main mysteries, but will make the story a lot easier to understand. In all, I'm enjoying it, and looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 1: Why is she crying? Because of the injured soldier she doesn't know very well? Or something else? pg 1: "But I’m not giving up on him. Not now, not ever.” --So...what do they do with injured soldiers? Is it like a forced regeneration into a minister? Or do not all soldiers do that? pg 2: Seems like there's a lot of people who might be sympathetic to change. I think knowing better what they're changing from will help. pg 6: “I’m not going to punish him.” --I think this is straying into an area where it is appropriate to punish him. These are still soldiers, and so far A has tried to be their friend. However she's also their commander, and they need to be ready to obey her orders in an instant. Where is she drawing the line with talking back and acting out? pg 8: "vague promise of a better future they were never going to see." --but I haven't really seen what the problem with the present is. We've been told the soldiers are mistreated, but this crew is mostly just hanging out, fighting monsters. They don't have any active campaigns against them. pg 11: "That’s what happens to us when we reach hit eight years" --Well that's new. Also seems to be unknown to A. Having her know some of these things, or be able to list the injustices happening to the soldiers will give some more credence to them being oppressed. pg 12: "truly cruel and rotten to his core." --eh, I'd say he's more devoted to his cause. A lot of revolutionaries are not nice people. That's for the ones that come after, because the cruel actions paved the way... pg 13: these conversations with her mom are weird. It like the book changes from an epic fantasy to a YA suddenly. Usually someone commanding other people is not living under the roof of a parent still. pg 13: still confused here. So all ministers were once soldiers, but not all soldiers get to be ministers? Or were not all ministers soldiers? Why just some of them? pg 14: B doesn't react that A talked directly to the leader of the deserters? Or wondered how she was able to find him? pg 16: "They just… appeared instead of being born out of wombs after receiving the queen’s blessing." --that's...strange. Like appear out of thin air? Any particular place? Or just where needed? pg 18: all the warrior/weapon notes are interesting, but I'm not sure how much readers would remember them. I guess it's not a surprise that the bureaucracy knows all about them, but I still don't really know how this system works. Are there other classes besides soldiers and ministers? Are there just regular people?

Nice character building here, which is your strongest skill. We get a lot of good information about several people, though I wanted a little more about if A recognized M (and the healer) from before. It seemed like she did, but I didn't get a lot about with the cutoff name. Edit: oooooh, was/is she trans? That would make more sense with the emphasis on "woman" and cutting off the name. If so, it might be good to slip another hint in there. Overall, a nice submission that moves both plot and characters along. good job! Notes while reading: pg 2: another fight scene here. I still don't think I have a good enough grasp on the individual powers to know how they work in battle. pg 2: Do we actually know anything about Z? I feel like we're getting P's decision, without knowing the stakes he's deciding on. pg 4: Did N suspect P before? It seems like N knew he was working for the deserters at first, but then was surprised when P told him. pg 8: Interesting revelation from M! pg 9: is the name cut off here? Is there a reason to? Is it like a deadname for A? I can't tell from the circumstances, and I wonder if it would be better to hear the whole name in this case if it's going to be repeated again? pg 12: good interplay with the soldiers here. pg 13: I thought M said A would recognize the healer? I was expecting L to pop up, but is there any indication A knows this person?

I thought the interaction between the two was good this chapter. That's one of your strong points. Like @Silk, I'm also confused about what their relationship is. From this chapter, it seems like A remembers more than has been revealed to the reader, which makes it hard to connect to the two as having a relationship. If we knew a little more about what it was, or what A hopes it might be here, that would help. Notes while reading: pg 2: good interplay here! pg 4: okay, so there's evidently an organized soldier resistance and Ash knows about it? Maybe some more hints from her in previous chapters? pg 5: We see a decisive A here, from P's POV. But I don't think we've seen this side from A's POV. She's been much more cautious about working with the soldiers. Where did this change come from? pg 8: Sooo...what's to keep A from just letting P get killed? Is there actually some emotional connection past knowing him before? He's not really endearing himself to his team, or the reader. pg 10: "She couldn’t reach P because there was nothing left to reach." --okay, so basically what I said above. I think we need a little more connection between them to give us a reason why she's fighting for him. She "lost" him in a past life. Were they friends? Lovers? pg 14: "use it to remember me, even as you grow old" --I'm still unclear on the age thing. Do soldiers just keel over after a couple years? And ministers don't? pg 16: Nice ending.

Yes, you can cut down on the infodumping at the beginning. I noted a few places. I'm still a little confused on the worldbuilding and what's known and not. It seems like they know of some advanced concepts but then are confused by math. They soldiers' weapons types also seem sort of random and some aren't as useful as others. If we're going to see a lot more of their techniques, maybe having a rundown of how the squad works would be good? Nice ending to the chapter! I'm interested to see where that goes. Notes while reading: pg 1: just having leg shields seems...inadequate. pg 2: Can they not summon something else? or more things? Why does one soldier just have the equivalent of spiky fins? pg 4: "Simple physics" --I mean, yes it is. Anyone who walks could figure this out. pg 7: This section does show some good development for the team, but now I'm wondering at their weapon choice and why they have only those weapons. Have we gotten a reason for that? Some weapons seem far more useful than others. pg 9: "I'm going to fade away any day now" --What now? The soldiers just die after a while? Did we know this before? pg 12: interesting worldbuilding through here, but possibly too much talk of how a regular planet works. The reader knows all this. pg 14: "mentioning this "math"" --hmmm. I don't believe these people don't have a concept of simple math. Maybe if it's the statistics of die rolls or something, but not just...addition. pg 15: They know of quantum physics, but not math? pg 16: "go up these stairs into town" --I still need a much better picture of where they are in relation to the town. pg 19: Interesting ending! Looking forward to what's next.

Interesting to learn about the other soldiers here! I'd love to get a little more on the society and geography though. We get a little with the map, but I'm still unsure on where they are. Is this all on one little island? I think the "interest - item" part might be a little too canned for both soldiers. They both had a scientific interest and a token to go along with it. These could both be a little more natural and probably a little shorter as well. Lastly, B's character seems...off compared to the rest of the characters, especially in speech patterns. I'm not quite sure what her deal is. Looking forward to the next chapter! Notes while reading: pg 2: B was the previous commander, right? Where did she come from? Was she with M? I'm still pretty unsure on the geography here. How far away are they from a population center? pg 2: “Ooh, so the tiger has claws and brains.” --uhh, yeah, so who exactly is B anyway? She's a lot different than most of the other characters. pg 3: “It was fun catching up, tiger.” --B seems like she almost stepped in from another story. Can we have a hint or something why she's so different in mannerism than everyone else? pg 3: "But there’s something I want you to do for me before I tell you.” --didn't she just answer the question? Or is A asking for their names in particular? Can't she just look them up? pg 6: “Matter can’t be created or destroyed," --The last pages had a lot of new information, but I had to stop here. Energy can't be created or destroyed, not matter. And Nuclear reactions change matter to energy like many other processes do. They're just another form. pg 7: "My mom’s great, but a group of thirty people who are experts in different areas will know more than she does.” --that's surprisingly astute pg 7: "There were only thirty bureaucrats? Ash supposed it made sense in an island with a population of a few thousand." --Again, some more information on the geography would be helpful. pg 11: good to get interests for the characters, like soil consistency, but this section might be a little too long. Can probably cut it back to just the necessary parts to the story. pg 14: so I guess the soldiers are also all science nerds? Again, the explanation goes on a little long. We probably don't an explanation of how tides work. pg 15: "Topaz had the jar to go along with his interest. Do you have something like that?” --this is a little too on the nose. Does everyone have to have an Item and an Interest? pg 16: Well, we do get a little more geography here, so that's good. So is there whole civilization, ministers and everything, on one little island? pg 19: Interesting! So P seems to be a deserter. If we know a little more about them in general before this point, that might make the call more tense.

Thanks for explaining! I think this would be great to plunk down in the first or second chapter on a rewrite, maybe when A is thinking about it or something.

Similar thoughts to @Demiurgess on this one. It has good action, but I'm still a little confused on motivation and what happens when a soldier dies, etc. The fight at the beginning could use more stakes. We're told A is nervous, but then that the little group of fish is not a big threat. There are some interesting mechanics, but I don't know enough about the soldiers to really care about them. This got better when we were focusing on just P, but I still need more stakes for him and A as to what he's trying to escape from and why he walked out into the ocean. It's a good start with the connection between them. I think giving us a little more danger if they fail will help ramp up the tension and connect the reader to the characters more. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: pg 3: “Simple psionics?” --if this is going to be a technique they use, I think a little more on what is involved with it would help. pg 3: "so obviously you can’t summon a perfect weapon on your first try.” --weren't all ministers once soldiers, or am I misremembering that? pg 4: Ah, glad we get some backstory finally for A pg 5: "do that again." --summon weapons or tell how she died? Sounds like an important clarification to make. pg 5: "a past where ministers and soldiers both waged war across the galaxy were starting to make more sense." --it doesn't to me yet. Not sure what this means. pg 6: There's a lot here about how the fish aren't difficult to fight, which is at odds with A being nervous about the fight. pg 8 This reads like a LOL or DOTA game, but we don't have stakes. I don't really care about the mechanics of what's happening, because I don't have a connection to the people, and there isn't a big risk. Even if they die, we know they get reincarnated as a minister, right? So that's actually a benefit... pg 10: “I’m going in.” --There's better tension here because we're focused on a character who's had lines. What's the cost though? How long does it take them to heal up? What will happen if P's body is killed? pg 12: cool triumph over the shark! pg 14: “That you’re planning to bolt? It’s crossed my mind.” --wait, not sure what this means. I think I missed something. So P basically wandered off before? Do we have a reason why? What is he escaping from?

I also found this chapter a little weaker, like the others. There was some good advancement and some other surprises while reading, but I had two main points that tripped me up: Soldier types/training: I think here showing off what they do with a fight would be much better than just telling what they do. There's also not a reason for us to know the designations unless the soldiers are using them. Right now the only one even with a name is P. Past lives/mom: This continues to be a point of confusion for me, and I think it can be cleared up pretty easily with a paragraph or so. How do people switch between bodies/classes? Are the bodies actually different on sight? How do people have mothers if they are reborn every ten years? Do people usually remember their past lives? Just some hints to these answers would set us in the story a lot better and let the characters and plot have more room to act. I am enjoying it overall! Notes while reading: pg 2: Interesting discussion about identity here. Are the bodies actually different between classes? Might be good to have a little description how if so. pg 3: "Same as in his last life." --Did P also die (or whatever) at the same time A did? I don't think I'm clear enough on how the transfer works to know what this means. pg 3: "massive tower shield that could launch massive cannon shots" --repeated word pg 4: "Apparently, the soldier didn’t know he could do this" --I'm interested in why the soldiers aren't taught what they should be, however this section drags a bit with the infodump on soldier types. Is there a reason to know them? Could they be shown in action? pg 7: "When A arrived at her mom’s cottage" --wait, what now? Did they leave the place where they were stationed? I thought this was an outpost or something separated from the rest of the empire? Or did I make that up. pg 7: "Middle-aged, with light curly hair" --also, how does this work with people being given new bodies and only living 10 years? pg 7: "When you appeared on the island out of nowhere," --oh, ok. So is this unusual? I thought everyone changed bodies? pg 8: "I found that there have been rumors about you hiding kids away from years and years ago.” --This section is a big jump from the training at the beginning of the chapter. I think we need some more context for this, or to roll out the revelations a little slower so they have more meaning. pg 8: "could appear as an adult with memories of a past life." --Again, I thought everyone did this here? OR do ministers usually remember their soldier lives?

Hi @strange24 and welcome to Reading Excuses!

Congrats on your first submission! It's an interesting concept. Reminds me of the original Star Trek, or Twilight Zone episodes. I think the first few pages could be tightened up a bit to get to the plot a little faster. There are a few places where you could also get a little closer to the character by turning descriptions of thoughts into indirect thought by the character. I gave some examples below. Fun story! Notes while reading: Pg 1: You could edit down a little by removing some of the connection between "X thought" and the thought, making in an "indirect" thought rather than a description. It also puts the reader closer to the character viewpoint. For example: "J scratched his stubble and thought that it would be great to finally get rid..." to "Jim scratched his stubble. It would be great to finally get rid..." "Being in nature was nice but definitely overrated, J concluded as he observed his suede shoes..." to "Being in nature was nice but definitely overrated. J's suede shoes were..." pg 1: "clearly see the pawprints" --confused here. Is he looking for pawprints? I thought he was waiting for a train. This goes into musing on the boars farther down, when I'm still wondering about him catching the train. Maybe another connecting sentence or so? pg 2: Could do the same indirect thought thing with the imagined boar's speech. pg 3: Maybe a little too long spent on the surprising tea. I'm looking for some sort of foreword movement here. pg 3: "felt a shiver running up his spine as his hand with square manicured nails touched the door handle" -> "felt a shiver running up his spine as his square-manicured nails touched the door handle" pg 4: "The branches remained clawed together" --The branches clung together? Not the right word above. pg 4: "With an oink" --okaaay. pg 7: "backed away, all the colour bleeding from his face." --he can't actually see this. pg 7: "Its hairy skin of brown colour reminded Jim of the coconut shell." -> "Its hairy brown skin reminded Jim of a coconut shell." pg 8: "Perhaps, its programming was compromised, a virus or something." --Strange switch here. The rest of this is sort of timeless. It could have been anywhere from the 1950's until now, then this places this as future. pg 9: "“You don’t remember, do you?” Got so absorbed by your acting, it truly transformed you.” --strange pg 10: So humans are...aliens? That are transforming warthogs into...other humans? pg 13: Is everyone named Jim here?

Overall, I thought this was a good setup chapter for whatever shenanigans comes next. R and Z continue to have great chemistry, and I love that they keep trying to pick up the same boys! Depending on the result of this, the only caution I have is to make sure it's really deserved, or you risk making Z and R unsympathetic. You can really up the snide remarks and meanness from the magical folks to both R and Z before this point to make us know they deserve it. Notes While Reading: pg 2: "earth magic" --Quick question on inheritance: Did L just pass on fire magic to his two sons? Was that just chance, or is there is a reason both have fire? pg 4: "take care of the punch" --oh no...the old "spike the punch" gambit... pg 6: good try/fail on the entry with the invitations. pg 7: "but I don’t think I need it tonight.” --Looks like Z has at least one prospect! pg 8: "You can find me there most mornings with a pastry and a tea cup.” --Nice. I'm wondering what connection I has to the library. pg 9: "“How is it that we both keep liking the same boys?” she said." --lol pg 9: "Since I was a little girl" --was he in a previous chapter, or is this the first time we've seen I? pg 10: "The laxative" --Ah. Was wondering what they were putting in there. pg 11: ok, good setup here. It's a little petty for them to do this, so maybe a little more meanness from the other side first to justify it?

Still interesting, but I think this was weaker than the last chapter. I think we're still missing a big part of what makes this world tick. What is A's goal? What is P's? Are there people other than the soldiers and ministers and what are they protecting or fighting for? The hook of "I need to make the soldiers better against a threat that may be coming sometime soon" is a bit vague. A knew P in a previous life. Was there an attraction? A bond? Is there a reason she cares about him? There's a lot of talk in the middle section with L and M. I'm not really sure of goals for them either or why it matters. Basically we need a little more of what makes the world tick. Looking forward to the next one! Notes while reading: Pg 1: The beginning of the chapter is a little sudden. I had to look back at last week to remember what was happening. Probably WRS, but worth noting. Pg 2: okay, getting back into it. pg 3: why is "woman" a strange word? They're using gendered pronouns here, right? pg 6: Interesting banter through here, but it might be going on a bit too long. We still don't really know what's going on, all the way from the first chapter. Might be time for some worldbuilding. pg 8: “I swear the forecast didn’t warn me about this yesterday.” --I'm getting a bit lost in what the point is here. Why is the watch set up? What is it protecting? pg 9: "and the soldiers didn’t bother to give chase." --not a lot of tension through here, because I don't know what the soldiers are fighting for. pg 10: "soldiers, to save them and make sure that they became ministers" --Is the point of the fighting to transform the soldiers? I'm fine with not knowing all the details, but I need some goal to latch on to. pg 12: "deserters" --This is more interesting, but I don't know what they're deserting or why. pg 14: "the reincarnation cycle" --this gives us a little more, but I'm still confused on what the ministers represent vs. soldiers. Are there just regular people too? pg 14: "but she also had to convince P to stay with her under this broken system." --This hook is a bit weaker than the last. I think we need at least the start of an overarching goal in this chapter. Something to latch on to why we're reading.

You aren't kidding about a steep learning curve! But overall, I'm enjoying this. It has great worldbuilding so far, and you have a nice hook (two really--one in the prologue and one in the first chapter!) to get us invested in the story. I think I need to see maybe one or two more chapters, but I think the prologue works here. We see enough of its influences in the first chapter that it gives some insight with the steep learning curve and helps us jump up to where there characters are in a completely new world that works differently than we know. Overall, looking forward to the next entry! Notes while reading: pg 1: "sitting on the ocean’s edge as little boys" --nice! It's a cool backstory and sets up a trans character nicely. pg 1: "After leaving this planet and ascending to the throne" --okay, that's a lot to unpack. pg 2: "Do you remember the connectedness principle of aggression?” --Two queer characters--excellent. But yes, this is definitely dense material! pg 3: "used to make barriers..." --trying to keep up with what's going on here... pg 3: "Sunset Water kept spilling out, and is engulfing the entire galaxy" --okay...fairly lost but still reading. pg 3: "off-chance one of us ended up on the throne" --There are a lot of cool hooks in this prologue, but it is very dense and confusing. I'm wondering how much all this is sort of acting as a gimmick promising revelations? pg 5: "300 Years Later" --okay...that definitely fulfills the purpose of a prologue. I usually don't like them, but I think this one might work? I'll have to see the first few chapters to make a decision. pg 5: "she had been reborn from the Calamity Ocean as one of them" --I'm sensing a theme with water and rebirth here... pg 6: "her spirit being funneled back into a baby." --theres...a LOT going on in this paragraph. pg 10: I really like the worldbuilding through here. It's very unique! Bodyswapping far future magic/tech. pg 11: "All she knew was that this time, she was going to save him." --good hook!

Aside from a couple technical things, this is a good setup chapter. We see where the two are going in their storyline, and they have an instant chemistry with a common goal/ I also want to know what Z's father does for a living! Notes while reading: pg 2: "Except when you’re angry" --Except when he's angry? pg 2: “This is taking forever, let me heal it.” --oh yeah, they both have healing and fire, right? pg 3: "his hand rested on the back of Z’s neck" --Is this indicating R is healing Z? Does he need to touch his neck? pg 4: “It looks like someone was playing with fire, and some random guy with water magic put it out.” --wait, where did J go again? And when did he get in this scene? Also, was he watching? Because that's a very specific guess. pg 5: "Silence settled on the room. Everything stopped." --Because he wasn't seen? Usually everything stopping is because of some bombshell. This seems more like everyone is considering the outcomes. pg 8: "uses his fire magic to make a living instead of hoarding its use like it’s beneath them to be useful" --okay, this is interesting. What does he do, and how are others hoarding magic? pg 10: good discussion between them through here. Nice character building. pg 10: "My father works hard for a living. I help him on most jobs." --I'd still like to know some specifics of this. Does he keep heaters warm? Act as a smith? heat water? pg 11: “So, let’s make it worth the trouble.” --I like this setup. We instantly see that R and Z are destined to be friends/siblings, and they start to work together for a common goal. Nice!

This one's reading a lot better than last time! Generally I agree with @Ace of Hearts' assessment. There were a few points where there was a quick change from one scene to another, and it think maybe there needs to be a couple more lines to transition it better, especially with leaving dinner, and talking about mom's suspicious activities. I do like that Z is more out in this version, at least in his thoughts. There's a lot of "instant attraction" going on as well from all the characters, but I could let that go since they're all teenagers. I'm wondering if Z's treatment of R is going to be bigger here? At this point it seems pretty mean, so I'm wondering if this is setting up for a redemption arc between them. Definitely more engaging and I'm looking forward to the next section! Notes while reading: pg 2: “You needed something to do.” --hm. This seems more cruel or petty, and brings down the sympathy for Z. pg 3: "slightly taller" --I'd think if Z describes him as a "mountain" he'd be much taller. pg 3: "Z always hated this part" --how many times has it happened? pg 3: "That was just wrong." --yeah, seems strange that dad's doing it then. pg 5: “We’ll walk through the village to Crystal Lake and back. Will that give you enough time?” --Will the food be okay for that long? pg 5: “I’m assuming he’s a member of your mother’s organization,” --interesting that this person knows where mom is and can track her down in time? pg 6: "If we hurry, we might catch a couple vendors before they leave.” --it seems a little strange that they all just abandoned dinner when that person came around. I'd think they'd be grumbling about dinner getting cold rather than talking about vendors. Or maybe trying to get a replacement meal. pg 8: "He made a mental note to figure out what." --this is setting up the tension between all the kids a lot better. pg 9: "was able to coax out" --this is a bit dry. Could probably expand in into a couple paragraphs. pg 11: This ends rather abruptly. Seems like there's more to this chapter? I was waiting for some sort of reason why the guy was yelling to stop.

Yay! Finally I get to read the end! Not a lot of notes here. I think you set everything up well. There were only a couple places below where I thought you could shore up during the book a little to give those spots extra relevance (cousin D, and N going off to college). If they're not that important, could always take them out. Great job on this! I think it's really close to publishable. What are your plans with it after the next rewrite? Are you going to submit to agents? pg 3: "cousin D" --oh yeah, that guy! Honestly, that character could probably be cut as he doesn't add anything to the story. pg 3: "but at least I have some confirmation from the other end" --B just said she has a feeling. Does she actually know anything? How? pg 4: "told me that I should get tested for the cancer progress" --Ah, so she did check in. pg 7: "but he makes a real effort to spend time with him" --huh, okay, D does show up again. pg 9: "when you go off to college.” --was this a plot point before? I don't remember it. If so, it should probably have some more tension associated with it so this comes as a bigger win. pg 11: Very nice wrapup! I like that this goes back to the original themes of autism and how W engages with those around her. Really nice story and I'm glad to have read it!