Mandamon

This was a very fun read! You've got great voices here, and I really enjoyed the first chapter. The only thing I think needs to be stronger is the hook at the end, to really get us into what's going to happen in the story. Right now I know they're going to a town, but they don't have a strong reason. The second chapter was a little slower, but the banter between the two was again very enjoyable. The banter can only carry a story so far though, which I think is where the others are saying the characters started to feel similar. it definitely moves us along, but I'd love just a little more hint of what's to come, so we know what to expect in the story. Right now I know it's humorous, and maybe 1900's level technology? I don't know if I'm just in for jokes the whole time, or if there's a more serious story in here (like the Dresden Files, for example). Great job overall, and I'm looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 1: *blinks* Well, that's an opening! pg 2: A necromantic ostrich? I am completely sold on this already. pg 2: ...with a phallic fascination... pg 3: "It’s slippery. Takes hours." --LOL pg 5: This is all delightful. I'm really enjoying the banter between the two. pg 7: "with the added bonus of F finally being out of her hair." --So now I'm wondering why she's with him at all. pg 8: This first chapter is excellent. I would say the only thing a little lacking is a final hook. They seem to be going to a fighting arena, but I'm not really sure why. Do they need money? What sort of things does Q write? It means I'm not really sure where this is going yet. pg 11: Again, great banter with the characters. pg 15: "Everyone knew that there were only five witches in the whole country" --Aha! I've been looking for a little more depth through here. pg 18: Great introduction to the story. Looking forward to more!

Overall, I think the MC's personality is good, but she doesn't have a solid direction yet. Most everyone has been reacting so far instead of proacting, and I'm not sure what people's goals are. What do the gifteds want? What does the MC want (past a gifted not to take her sister). I'm not really fearful for the MC staying in this place because there's no objective expect "reform behavior." Even just a threat about how they're going to keep her here for years and she'll never see her family again will start to give the MC a directive. Notes while reading: pg 1: the more I read this the more I just think the MC has an issue with her sister leaving home, not that she's with a Gifted. pg 2: " I don’t really care, Jade is using mind powers on me." --Is she? We haven't seen any sign of it. pg 3: "I just didn’t want any boy to take away my sister" --ok, well at least she admits it... pg 6: I'm not quite sure what they were testing her on in the second test, and we don't get a lot of information about it. I'd have liked something a little more solid in this chapter. pg 8: "“I can get you out of this place" --I'm assuming this is all a test... pg 11: I'm still missing a big part of why the gifted are punishing people for...random things. Do they have something they're trying to do? pg 12: "The gifted’s wouldn’t want word of their flaws spreading to the city." --I'm not sure what's surprising about this. They're acting just as autocratic rulers usually do. pg 18: Again, I'm not getting a whole lot of tension here because I don't know any reasons for why they're doing things to the MC. There hasn't been anything really unique about the gifteds yet to give us a goal for the story.

I liked this chapter. We get into some more exploration of the world, and looking for the other kids. I agree with the others that it's unclear whether P is simply nervous about the one bed, or actually dreading it. Finding the phone is a helpful hint, but the feather is a little confusing since I was unsure on the logic of taking the rarest color of creature. This part could be unpacked a bit. I like the continued bargaining that has to happed to live in Fae, and I think it will be a good source of conflict for the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: First paragraph, I don't think you need as much explanation about magical items. People are familiar with Faerie. pg 1: “If they were precise and landed on the rocks, there would be little evidence of their arrival.” --I was confused by this, thinking if they landed on rocks, there might be blood or something from the fall, but it looks like this means no tracks. pg 2: "Though I imagine my guard’s beings are smart enough to take out the rarest color steed if they are betraying me." --Not sure what this means. Take out as in remove from the choices, or take that color to use. I would think they wouldn't want the rarest color... pg 3: "He pressed he palm" --"Xe pressed xir palm" pg 5: "that there was more than one bed." --Lol. pg 6: "and reminded P. and C. the rules of the hall" --do we get to know the rules too? pg 8: of course there is only one bed...

Not too much the others haven't said. I think this one lags a bit in the middle when focusing on the horses. The intrigue at the beginning is good, and with some more buildup in the first chapters about what's going on, I think the tailor scene will be really good. I think putting more into the search and less into saddling the horses would be helpful as well. Notes while reading: pg 1: "The court tailors suits" --suites? pg 2: I like the bargaining, but things seem to jump directly here from the last chapter. We might need some more setup. pg 3: "except everyone wore gowns to balls in faerie, regardless of gender." --huh...that seems like it would be limiting after a while. Do they shake it up every few hundred years and try out tuxes for everyone or suits or something? pg 6-8: I think the horse training can probably be cut down a bit unless this is really important to the plot. I'm interested to see where they go from here. Some good worldbuilding in this chapter, but I think it could be focused a little better on getting to the hunt. Maybe have another try/fail cycle before they find the cell phone.

There's some good plot progression here, and we start to see the larger world, away from the strangely docile people. I think that's my biggest issue at the moment, is that I can't understand why these people allow themselves to be cowed by gifted, when their only power seems to be reading minds. The MC also just runs away from the trial, and I can't imagine that someone wouldn't try to stop her. So overall, some good plot happening, but I don't understand enough of the world to know why it's happening yet, which is taking me out of the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Triported" --it took me a minute to figure out this meant "triple reported." I was thinking "teleported" at first. pg 3: I'm having a little trouble believing all these people have done nothing worse than what the MC has done. Even the old guy beating up a kid is relatively minor, in the grand scheme of things. pg 4: wait, what? She just runs away? No one stops her? pg 6: Still having trouble believing the whole town is not out looking for her...or saw where she went because they immediately followed her. pg 6: "privacy freak" --I'm not sure what this is, nor why a bandana and a hat would help with privacy. pg 7: "a gifted walks out of the shadowy corner of the room" --is this just any gifted? The one from the trial? pg 8: "If you continue to try to escape I will use this." --at this point, I'm also very skeptical how the gifted control the population. They seem to have no physical powers that would keep people from being...people...and breaking all of their laws in a day. pg 8: "“This is why you need to be reeducated" --has everyone else already been reeducated? Is that why they're so docile? pg 10: "In my city metal is rare," --it is? Have we seen any sign of this before? pg 12: “Don’t even think about running.” --I'm honestly not sure what they would do if she did.

Congrats on submitting! It's a big step to let others read your stuff. Title: since you've only written the first chapter, I wouldn't worry about it. Get through more of the book and see if something comes to you. 1) What's your understanding of the rules of the world? --Seems to be a dystopian (somehow) ruled by people who can read minds. To @Silk's point above, one of the biggest issues I had is there's no follow-through on punishment. People are sent to "a trial" but I don't know what that means. There's no real threat here, so I'm not really concerned at the end of the chapter when the MC gets reported. It's been thrown around so much I'm thinking lots of people must go on trial every day. 2) Characters personalities. --They seem fine. I honestly don't worry about personalities too much while I'm writing until I've got several chapters from someone's POV. It's really easy to tweak afterwards to show consistent emotion. The MC does seem to be a hothead though, which I'm guessing don't last long in this society. 3) Story set up --I'm big on worldbuilding, so I'm always wondering how a society got where it is in the story. There are some good hints here about a war, and the gifted have likely popped up more recently. I struggle how they can enforce policing emotions, unless they're reading people's minds all the time. I also don't know how far away they can read minds, and what other powers they have that make them able to enforce their trials (see the point in #1). I assume the MC will find out about the "real" world once she goes on trial and escapes/gains power/something surprising. Hope this helps! Notes while reading: The opening paragraph is a little hard to follow as it's all observation by someone we meet in the second paragraph. Making the second paragraph the opening paragraph will tie the reader to the MC a lot more. pg 3: The MC seems to have a lot of aggression toward the gifted. We're being told they're bad, but I don't know why. Did they make the laws where everyone gets reported? pg 3: "Disliking anyone is against the law" --I'm not sure how all these laws about feelings are enforced... pg 4: There's not a lot of action yet. Just the MC being upset about the world. pg 5: "I just don’t want my family to change," --this seems to be the driving motive for the MC so far, except I don't know what it's changing from. Is having one gifted be closer to them worse than it is now? pg 5: "the whole mind reading thing" --ok, that at least shows how they enforce feelings. I'm wondering if they have any other powers. pg 5: " I walk back to my house" --Is there a reason she went to J's house? There's not a lot of direction to the story yet. pg 6: "get a person reported" --this keeps being said. But what happens after? Do they get imprisoned? Killed? Sent off to work in the mines? pg 8: "shimmer haired gifteds" --I guess they all share the same characteristics then? pg 9: "Let’s not make a habit of saying things like that" --I'm...hmmm...I have issues with this set of laws. I get they're supposed to be arbitrary, but I'm wondering how often someone gets turned in. pg 10: "Now they’re planning to be married" --ok, well that was quick. pg 11: "I can finally think freely again." --so are they limited to sightline or something to read minds? pg 12: Based on previous evidence, I don't think the trial will go well for her. Like @Silk, I wonder at the ages of the characters, and why it's a surprise that a married couple will be moving out of the parents' home.

I also think A is a bit too passive here. We also only get one sentence from C, and then it's like she disappears. I think there are several things started in this chapter, but none of them are completed, which is why it feels unfinished. Add to that there's a lot of description and thinking in the first couple pages, which makes it go slower. I think there may just be too many "promises" made here that don't go anywhere. We have: The castle is large and strange, but A remembers it The fae have perfect memories The mysterious human guard The queen's relationship to Ae, and relationship to A Plotting at the ball - why does the queen need protection And probably some others. Focusing on one or two of these and maybe giving an answer to one, even if it leads to another promise, may help this chapter solidify. Notes while reading: pg 2: there's a lot of description and thought in these first two pages. Maybe add some more movement as well? pg 3: "There was something familiar about the person" --above, A is looking for old aquiantances, but only now realises the captive human looks familiar. I wonder if this should be up when they first see the guard? pg 5: "Flecks of glitter fell out of her hair and landed on A" --How close are they? I was imagining they were at the bottom of a dias, so several steps away.

Congrats on the second sub! I think this definitely cleared up some of the issues with the first round. I have some similar thoughts to @Silk about the lack of explanation for the supernatural, and also the dated use of "mental hospital" and "asylum." You might want to find some more up-to-date words. I also think the first sequence with the hairdye/spray went on far too long, when the inciting incident is about a ghost who can evidently kill people and animals. That seems like a much bigger concern, and it seems like the MC is more concerned with her hair being dyed than potentially coming home to a murdering presence in her house. Switching the importance of those two things and building up some of the worldbuilding about what can and cannot hurt a ghost might bring things better into perspective. Notes while reading: pg 1/2: The whole spirit color/spray paint thing is pretty complex to explain. How pertinent is it to the story? I think it's mainly showing off that she has white hair, but it could probably be condensed a little to get to the interesting parts: that she used to go to a spirit academy. pg 4: J doesn't seem to knwo O that well at first, but gets pretty chummy with her before she leaves. I'm not sure if they're supposed to be friends or aquiantances. pg 5: I'm a little unclear on "the ghost." It sounds like a single ghost has been following her around? Is it the same one she tried to get to show up with the priest? pg 7: "She wished the house wasn't haunted and that they'd been plagued by a sad wispy ghost lingering out of sorrow." --That they weren't plagued? Or is this talking about two different ghosts? Confused. pg 7: "But no, they'd been afflicted with the third type of spirit" --ok, got it now. This paragraph is a little awkward. You're burying the lede here that their house IS haunted by a malevolent spirit. That should maybe be in the first paragraph of the story. pg 8: "Her stomach churned " --she seems very blase about confronting the ghost. I think "malevolent spirit" is what's bothering me here. I feel like she should be more concerned than, "well, let's try this batch of materials and see if it has any effect." pg 8: "hadn't died protecting her" --This sort of thing. Did the spirit kill a pet? I'm expecting a lot more emotion, and maybe parents to wonder why an animal was frozen to death... pg 8: "a bit of frost leaked through her sock" --ususally water leaks through. Was there a patch of frost just lying on the floor? pg 9: "let her switch study hall for art class." --I'm not sure why this would be a big deal, and what it would help. She'd stll be at the same school, right? pg 11: "No! How could prayer have failed?" --this doesn't do a lot for me, because it hasn't been really set that prayer DOES work on ghosts. pg 11: Again, it seems like she should have been a lot more scared before now, if the ghost could do all this. pg 12: so what happened with thr thing that didn't pass through the ghost? We linger on that for a second, but then it doesn't seem to have done anything. pg 13: There's a lot of chaos in here, and I'm not certain if any of the items she's using is supposed to have an effect. pg 14: I'm not sure what T.E. has to do with the rest of the chapter, though I suppose that might be explained later.

Another new story! I have similar thought as @Silk on this one. I think it's a good start, but gets bogged down in the first couple pages with A thinking too much. I also thought there wasn't enough tension because A wants to go back to faerie. So the whole bargain at the end and the prospect of staying to look for the other kid is like, "sure let's do that." I think some more tension here, and fleshing out the kids a little more so they're not just McGuffins to pull A back would flesh things out some more. Notes while reading: Pg 1: "there hadn’t been such a crossroads here when the park was built. " --A little confused by this paragraph. Was there not a crossroads with the rail road? What made it a crossroad later? pg 2: A.'s still thinking thinky thoughts about the fae. I'm hoping something will happen soon. pg 3: “Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t ask to pet it.” “Or maybe it just doesn’t like bikes.” --Is this A saying both of these things? pg 7: That none of the kids have descriptions or names or anything is bothering me. Like they're just set pieces to get A to Ae. --ok, one finally gets a name. pg 9: Interesting concept, with a person who wants to get back to fae. There's not a whole lot on tension yet because we don't know anything about the kids, and A wants to be there. The middle section could be condensed a little.

To your questions: 1) I don't mind the POVs, but the agent's one doesn't really add anything. Could it be converted over to the werewolf couples'? 2) I don't think it ends abruptly as much as there's not any tension to resolve, so it doesn't feel like anything has been overcome. 3) Here's the big one. I feel like the act of house hunting (familiar, and dare I say, boring) vastly overshadows the supernatural element (strange, and interesting). You have a world where the strange has been converted so much into the familiar (a fae real estate agent, there might be a ghost, but just get a medium) that you have a story that's "familiar and familiar" rather than "strange and familiar," and thus reads like an account of your sort of strange friends who just got a house. You care, and you listen to their story, but you don't really care... I think for this to be more interesting, tying that they're werewolves into the conflict of the story will add a lot of tension and interest. They're not buying a house for completely mundane reasons, and even the one supernatural reason (might be a ghost) is dismissed quicker than structural issues. Having a lot of yard to play in, or wanting carpets, are not things that are unique to werewolves, so it doesn't read as anything unusual. Notes while reading: pg 1: I feel like you sort of buried the lede on the first page. Maybe put it in the first line? Something like "house hunting sucked for werewolves." I was interested with the conflict of finding a new place, but then was thrown for a loop after reading all the cons, and oh yes, ALSO they're werewolves. pg 2: "They were screwed if they got outbid again." --again, I think this is missing the main interest of the story. Just being outbid on a house is boring. What if they can't get a house because the landlord thinks they smell like wet dog, or they leave fur around, or they bit someone? pg 2: "Take their latest clients, F and L. They were werewolves who had dogs for pets." --yeah, again, the main interest is the story is shown as ho huh, the housing market is crap. I can't even get a house for these werewolves... I feel like I'm missing something. pg 4: I'm still sort of torn on this. House hunting is really not exciting, and in this case, being werewolves sounds like it's just adding extra conditions. It's not "strange" enough to overpower the "familiar" of house hunting. pg 5: They're talking about rugs. pg 6: On to another house. I'm still waiting for something to happen and we're almost halfway through a short story. pg 9: They're discussing structural issues in a house. I feel like "werewolves" could have been replaced with "vegetarian" or "off the grid" and the story would work just as well. pg 14: I have to admit, I started skimming toward the end. I was waiting for something to happen, but it's just two people looking for a house, and they happen to be werewolves, but they're choosing their house based mostly on mundane reasons.

This is an interesting premise, but does sound a lot like the beginning of a longer story. I think the main reason is that you aren't actually addressing the promises you're making in the beginning. Most of the first page can be condensed to the goal of getting to the bank, but we don't know why. Then we're told she's going to travel back in time and is definitely not going to change things. Getting to the bank = boring time travel = exciting. So now getting to the bank is just one objective in front of the potentialities of time travel: observing, fixing the protest, changing the laws, not marrying C, etc. You're opening up a lot of potentialities. If you want to keep this as a short story, I'd say make the focus on why getting to the bank is exciting: she needs to get around the laws of the country, and she needs supplies only kept there to invent something (not time travel, that's too exciting) If you want to make this a longer work, then you could explore what she can do with the time travel after this point with respect to changing laws, fixing the protest, and of course messing everything up along the way. Notes while reading: pg 1: the first sentence/paragraph isn't too interesting. Maybe something like "Going to the back today could ruin G's career, but her experiment depended on getting to her safety deposit box." pg 1: I'd really compress this page down. Something like the sentence above, then "Unfortunately, a protest was between her and the crystal." Then maybe go into a little bit about how her father wants her to be married. Right now, it's not catching my attention. pg 2: "And she’d be going to be so far back in time" --she'd be going so far back in time? pg 2: I think this whole first section could be condensed to about 2-3 paragraphs and it would be really snappy. pg 3: wasn't too interested in the section section. You've introduced me to time travel and now that's what I want to see. pg 4: "It’s not safe out there for you. Go to the bank tomorrow." --I think this is what I'm having an issue with. There's no tension. pg 6: The flight on the bike was more interesting and tense pg 8: "She moved as quickly as she could and was emerging onto the roof as the guards caught up." --not a lot of tension here. We never think the guards are going to catch her. pg 9: Yes, this definitely sound like the first chapter of a story.

I've sent a few very minor LBLs. I really liked the epigraphs, and I felt they would help settle us into the story with the first few chapters and explain about the planes better. Like @Robinski says, this is where things really take off. A few pages into this chapter and I'm much more engaged than in Chs 1 and 2. I think you could almost start with this one, because it sums up the last book well and gives us a hook with B, F, and then T. Going back to Chs 1 and 2 after this would place us with E!S and B!S better. Notes while reading: Ch 1 epigraphs: Yes! Those give a lot of light to how the planes operate. Ch 2 epigraphs: I love the M. council arguing with itself. Please let all the pigraphs be this. It sets the book nicely following after A:BP Ch 3: pg 5: there are some good bits to jog the memory in here, and not too info-dumpy. pg 9: This sets the stage well for B and F. We've got a good quest for them. pg 10: That doesn't sound good for planet N! pg 10: "“Your buildings were made from a., right" --oh, oops. pg 12: Seeing the decay here is really interesting! pg 14: "the universe had been flipped inside out" --indeed! pg 16: "The tingling in F’s fingertips moved into her palms." --is this a reaction to the planet or an effect of memory? I'm not sure. pg 18: "relatively young, in planetary years" --interesting. pg 21: "This one was i-type" --I've been wanting to know more about this gender... pg 25: Cool. Nice start to the story.

Hello and welcome to RE! Hopefully we can give you some insight for self publishing. Generally, I agree with @kais. There are a lot of moving parts in this chapter, but not a lot happens until the last 5 pages, and then it's sort of a blur of action. I think focusing int he first few pages on some of the themes that will come out later will help solidify things. Right now, the narrative is a bit unfocused and I had trouble following the reasons for the hood, the hairspray, and whether superheroes exist. Then a giant ghost comes out of nowhere and things take a more Buffy-like aspect. Bringing these two themes closer together will help. Notes while reading: pg 1: I thought S and C were supposed to be the hero and ghost for a moment! pg 2: Things are wandering here a bit and I'm not sure what O's goal is. There are a lot of names here, but aside from O feeling generally bad about things, I don't know why. pg 3: Are J and O friends? J was introduces as sort of a passerby at first. pg 3: "Who got you?" --Not sure what this is referring to. Red coming out of what? Does this have to do with her green hair? I thought she did that on purpose. pg 4: "they'd quickly identify her subject" --this took me a couple reads to realize she's referring to the sketch that she hasn't drawn yet. I'm not sure this paragraph adds much. pg 5: "the archangel with whom she..." --wait, then who was "wade" from the first page? I was assuming that was her last name. pg 6: "She had no wish to hear about The Exterminator" --this is the first real bit of something plotlike we've come across. I'm not yet sure where the story is going. pg 6: "It would crackle if the ghost showed up." --and something else new... pg 7: "Drawing in class for a whole month at the end of the year..." --I'm still not quite sure what's going on yet. There's a lot of description, but I don't know the aim of the story. pg 9: "The ghost giant was here!" --I think some more buildup with her hair would be useful before this point. It all sort of comes out, and then there's a ghost, and it's a lot. pg 11: "She glanced at her mom's shattered legs." --What? When did this happen? pg 12: "Perhaps the reverse is true, like in Arcanum." --I'm not sure what this means. --also very confused what's going on here. Why is there a braille line? --okay, this is a dairy or something? The last bit of the chapter is pretty confusing.

Notes! Overall, this has some good elements to bring readers in. I wonder if the two chapters could be switched, to start with a character we're more familiar with? There was a lot of confusing terminology on the first page. I think also adding a bit more worldbuilding, or at least a bit more in the way of reminders from last book would help with transition through planes, body-snatching, and how all that works in this universe. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Yesterday, it had exploded," --Is that still yesterday, or is this a flashback? --ooooooooooh wait. I didn't read the chapter title carefully enough. Carry on. pg 1: ok, there's a lot going on here. Didn't Ard. get blown up? I'm a little lost. pg 3: "running the field of t.s. known as Ard." --So she is on Ard., but also waiting a communication from Ard? I think that was some of my problem on the first page. I wasn't sure where she was. I'm guessing this is epsilon Ard, then? pg 4: "A wet, smacking sound came from far too close to her head. “Yes, ma’am.”" --There's three questions this could answer, and I'm not sure what's smacking. pg 5: "sentient planet suicides" --well that's got a lot of emotional baggage... pg 5: also a lot of dreams... pg 6: "running the planet K." --okay, confused again. So which planet is she on? pg 6: "Maybe zie’d moved to fourth" --wait, that's a thing? pg 7: "the consciousness is…contained" --ooooooooh yeah, remembering things. pg 8: "and are thinking on it.” --why thinking about it? She seems to be in agreement. Why not just say yes? pg 9: "offloading its inhabitants whenever it moved" --still not complete sure which planet they're on. pg 10: "murder the sentient being" --why is she now involved with this thing? I though the message was to stay away so it could be handled? pg 11: "Bringing it K" --Ah, that explains a lot. I didn't get that was what the call from Ard meant. Maybe move that part up a few pages? pg 11: "I promise to comm when I get there.” --so is her mother on a different plane? Is this the same one we saw at the end of the last book? pg 12: Overall, I think the inciting incident here for getting E!S involved needs to be stronger, or at least made clearer. Right now it seems like she could just do nothing and everything would work out. pg 13: "From the alpha plane" --this in juxtaposition with the chapter titles is confusing. I think the title is showing that S is from the alpha plane, altough the action is not taking place there. pg 14: "I’m working with R on a new sibling for S" --I have to admit I read that VERY differently for N the first time around. I was wondering why he was bothering to write back. pg 15: I wonder if it might be better to start with this chapter and then have the chapter with E!S? might make things clearer? pg 16: "The second dream shattered" Hm. Not a fan of the dream within a dream. I assume it has some connection to speaking between planes? pg 16: "Rob..tte" --Is this a typo? pg 19: "the skin at his main wound there won’t bind to anything new" --what now? His skin won't regrow? Is there a hole all the way through him? Confused. pg 20: "The other, we are unsure." --confused by this. There's two blobs running around his brain? Do brains work that way? pg 20: “They are the same diameter and shape and move at the same rates." --I'm not sure what this means. There's blobs of activity in his brain? pg 22: “Another body,” --I...am not fully no board with the science of what's happening here. I think maybe a little more on how souls or identities or such can move around? pg 23: I'm a little lost here with the new concepts popping up about body swapping and moving planes. I think we need a little more grounding in the worldbuilding. pg 24: you've got some...uh...typos for andal, missing the "d" pg 26: A!S is running a bit low on sympathy here. I know that's partly dependent on her personality, and she's definitely protaging, and generally competent. I just worry a little about alienating the reader with A!S's very black and white view of things.

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Do it!

Ha! Excellent.

Congrats on the first submission! Sorry it's sort of dead around here this week... I think @C_Vallion did an excellent job of summing up points here. I'll add my own, but they're similar. Boring: Not exactly boring, but this could be tightened up a whole lot. There are a lot of adverbs in the first few pages, and L.'s fight through the smoke was long enough I'm not certain she would have survived. Getting to the inciting incident (the angel arriving) on maybe page 5 instead of 9 would tighten this up a whole lot. Confusing: I got lost with the room description in the middle, I think because this was so long. I'm assuming there was black smoke everywhere, but it wasn't mentioned as the defining feature. A little more of where L thinks room landmarks are might help. I wasn't too worried about the time period. I was thinking lower tech than us at first, but it seems this is probably a near-future secondary world instead. I would also clarify what audience you mean this for, as it will help us critique. Based on the age of the character, this seems like it's going to MG or maybe YA? Didn't Believe: 1) I don't she would have survived that long in a smoky room with no exit, especially if all the other kids had died. 2) Speaking of which, where did E. come from at the end? 3) Getting knocked out during the escape from a fire would certainly have killed her. 4) There wasn't enough emotion from seeing her friends dead. Awesome: Cool story premise, and I like that you immediately set up Trinity as the villain (noting the promise here). You have an inciting incident in chapter 1, which is a big achievement by itself! The angel is also a cool character, and I hope they show back up as an antagonist (another promise). I also love the box unfolding. Great job! Notes while reading: pg 1: There's a lot of description of choking in the first paragraph but not much else. It's a bit repetitive. Can the first two paragraphs be combined? pg 1: There are lots of adverbs pg 2: "She couldn’t think about that now." --I always see this as the easy way out. Is there another way to express this? pg 3: "reminding herself which side should have a pulse" --don't...both sides have a pulse? pg 4: "She thought about her fellow..." --It's been 4 pages now stuck in a room filled with smoke. I'm hoping she gets out soon. She can only survive so long. pg 4: "grave robbing" --But she convinced herself earlier that he could be helped. There's some emotional connection missing here. pg 5: "as she came to" --yeah...she's dead from smoke inhalation by this point... pg 6: "released the sphere which hovered into the air," --isn't this room filled with smoke? --ah, it clears the smoke, but maybe look at the order of things here. pg 7: “Unfortunately, your journey has scarcely begun.” --hmm...smells of "chosen one." pg 8: “To save the universe of course.” --yep. pg 10: "“That’s why humans should trust Trinity absolutely and not deviate from their wishes." --well that's not suspicious. pg 11: there's a POV switch here. You might want a break to show that.

You should be okay to submit. Tagging @Robinski on this as he's been the Keeper of the Approval in weeks past when Silk has been out.

This is still going pretty slow for me. We still don't have any inciting incident yet, and we're five chapters in. My main concern here is that the MC is very passive. He thinks a big game about how he's so great, but hasn't actually done anything. I'm also unclear on the threat from the soldiers vs. what they protect against. They seem to be at least nominally on the villagers side, but they're the threat here, vs. whatever they're supposed to be protecting against. I think setting that up more definitely will help a lot. I have some other comments in the notes below about where things started to drag for me. Some of this has already been covered in previous chapters, so I'm looking for more movement for the MC, either physically or mentally. Right now he's still exactly where he started. Notes while reading: CH 3 pg 1: The villagers don't know about the ashpiles that surround them? pg 1: travelers vs. armies vs. news - flips too quickly between topics pg 2: "wasn’t even going to arrive tomorrow" --This was being built up, but now all the tension drops pg 2: "dirty white uniforms " --Wait, so they did arrive? confused pg 3: The MC is sort of cheesy is his regard for himself. pg 3: "I really hoped they didn’t try to inflict physical harm" --but he's baiting them? What does he expect? pg 4: unclear on the armies. I got the impression they were hostile, but they're protecting the village? What is the actual threat then? pg 4: "laying about yourself" --lying? pg 5: "trust them to keep you safe?" --unclear on threat here. What is the bigger threat than the army? pg 6: This chapter was a bit muddied. I'm not really sure what's going on yet. Ch 4 pg 7: I feel like most of this was already covered in the first chapter. pg 9: "crumpled on the ground" --when did he fall? Also, it's strange that if he's never seen the barrier before, he's more surprised by it looking like an attack than actually seeing the barrier. pg 9: "I always thought fire-bears were a little smaller" --wasn't fire-bears something he was just thinking about? Did he tell people that too? pg 11: Still not a lot happening in this chapter. It's mainly how all the soldiers are bad, and I'm not sure why they're bad. It doesn't really have a direct impact on the MC. CH 5 pg 12: "The army was actually that cruel?" --I also want some sort of reason here. pg 13: "all of them more nervous now that the soldiers had weapons." --what did they expect, attacking soldiers? pg 14: The MC is mostly just standing around observing. There's not really any forward movement. pg 15: Okay, a good twist at the ending, but I don't think it was set up enough. Weren't the villagers afraid of the soldiers setting things of fire? How would they have done that if the barrier wouldn't let them? Making it very definite that the villagers expected to be protected would help the impact.

Thanks @Silk and @Warmacky! Good comment. I'll see if I can add a few more notes to this. Ah, good point. I think adding the new B-plot will give me a chance to add some more about them. Yay! Yeah, I think that's a potential problem for this book. The original vision I had for this is almost an continuous narrative through 60+ years on this planet, so I had some trouble figuring out how to make this ending definite. I'll ponder on this one. This didn't quite sit right with me either, but I wanted the scene in here. Great idea to turn it back on J and make it more about her. Awesome! Thanks so much for catching up and reading along! Cool. I think this will be supported better by what I have in mind, but it sounds like it's working in some part. I can easily add this in. Thanks! Similar comments to Silk on this one. Good direction for me to add a bit more in. Great idea! This works well, and I think I can tie it into some other things. Good catch. I think putting more emphasis on J in this last section will even this out. Thanks again, everyone!

Realized I hadn't replied to this one! Thanks @Warmacky, @kais, and @Silk! I think the new B-plot I have in mind will provide some new meat for this section. I think part of this will tie in to the above new plot point. Also also will tie in! Looking back over these comments, I think the new B-plot will address a lot of stuff. Yeah, this is the last Al section in the book. I might need add a quick coda to their relationship. I'm hoping this will all pull together at the end, but yes, these last sections go by fast. I almost want a little FOMO from readers, seeing the years go by. I think the very end solves this, but I can also add some more movement to the bio in the last third, tied in with that new plot element. Yes, this is a small scale printing press process. I'll add some more detail. Lol I was trying to show the development in the colony, but I think I missed the mark. I'll add in some more detail. Yup, will hopefully address this with the new plot thread. Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll massage this section with the new B-plot and see how it works. Yep yep. Will add some of this in. I think writing that first definitely killed some of the tension here because I know what happens, but I'm hoping the new plot thread will fix some of this. Yeah, this is a problem for this book because most of the development comes in books 2/3. I'll try to rework it throughout so the Bio has a little more agency in deliberately hiding from the colonists? Thanks all!

Thanks @Silk and @kais. Catching back up with all the comments on the later chapters. I've got some ideas on this from the comments through the last few chapters. I'm planning to add a new thread to tie up the rebellious elements from the colonists vs. Ja and the Admins. Something to this effect...The last bit might be a good thread for books 2/3 Lol. I can ramp this up or something. Ha! *scribbles notes* I'm going to need to get some feedback on better word choice for the whole "capping" thing. I'll make it more clear she's the first one out there. He got hurt afterward, so he isn't on the memorial for those in the crash. Thanks!

Thanks @Silk! Great comments throughout. I realized I hadn't replied to the last three posts! I have an idea of what to add for the last third of the book to possible make this all cohere better. All the feedback is very helpful!

Congrats on your first submission! I have some similar thoughts to @kais on this. There are a lot of interesting parts, but I don't think it's quite condensed into a story yet. There were a few contradictions in the story that confused me, so I didn't get a very clear idea of the MC's personality. I don't think the first chapter needs to be a prologue? It does take place significantly before the other chapters, but it still works as a continuation of time. I agree it could probably be condensed into the emotional impact of the moment just to get the point across. Two chapters into the story, we're still missing an inciting incident. The lava flows aren't (?) threatening the town after all? The MC isn't leaving the town? I keep waiting for an event to happen, and it hasn't. All that said, I do like what I've seen of the world so far. It's definitely got potential for a story. A little more definition on the characters will help that out. Notes while reading: Pg 1: interesting opening paragraph. pg 1: "So why did I hate him so much?" --An odd question. Does the MC really not have any idea? I would think a person would know why they dislike someone that close to them. pg 1: "wondering what people’s reaction to the statement would be" --this is the third pause in speech and the third question from the MC. So far, they seem very unsure. pg 2: "nobody disagreed that his help was precious" --this is all very vague. We don't know what battles, or why the MC's father's battles were different than the others, or even if these battles are physical or mental. pg 2: "I hadn’t asked the question that had been bothering me, but perhaps I didn’t need to." --I guess that's his speech? Didn't he say he wanted to conjure up something good? pg 2: "but I doubted anyone really cared. I closed my eyes, ignoring him." --So far, all the reactions have been of confusion, or ignorance, hatred, or boredom. The characters aren't excited about anything which in turn means I'm not excited about the story. pg 2: "pain of his ash whip " --soooo...maybe this is why the MC hated him? pg 3: "our small town. It was definitely small, but compared to the others it was huge, and ancient." --so confused here. Is it big or small? If it's "definitely" small, I don't think it could be "huge" compared to anything. pg 4: "It wasn’t tall, but a small ring..." --redundant. pg 4: "lighting up with green light" --there's several of this sort of thing in here. I'd look for doubled words and meanings and try to cut them down. Ch 1 pg 6: "back. The workers quietly grumbled to themselves," --I thought he was a fair employer and gave out free beer? Why are the workers grumbling? pg 7: "lazy sternums" --odd phrase. Also, I realize by this point I still don't know the MC's name or gender. --Edit: I went back and their name was mentioned once. --Edit: ah, it's mentioned again a few paragraphs down. They still feel sort of like a blank slate. Aside from hating ash and their father, I don't really know a lot about them. pg 7: "ones that destroyed our town?" "Our town hasn't been destroyed" --Are these people from different towns? The same town? Confused. pg 8: "Spell that my father had cast so many years earlier " --again confused. At the end of the prologue they thought they only had a year. The MC just referenced their town being destroyed. Now the spell is eternal? pg 8: “And I expect you to fix it.” --does the MC actually have any magical ability? I don't think we've been shown or told yet. pg 9: "There was a single contact in my life, and that was that I knew who was responsible for our pain." --Not sure what this means. A single contact? A single goal? purpose? fact? pg 9: "He deserved to drown and rot..." --We still don't really know what he did, aside from protect the town. Ch 2 pg 11: "I always began another story no matter how much I promised to continue an unfinished one." --and they still listened? I would get tired of that real quick. pg 11: "seemed strangely tense." --wasn't there a river of lava coming toward the town? Has anything happened with that? pg 13: "He didn’t care about making a difference in the world, just in his own life.” --Didn't he keep the town from being destroyed? I'm still not sure why the guy who kept everyone safe for years was disliked? pg 14: "but my father’s influence had never ceased to be there" --so basically the man was a hero. I'm very confused on everyone's reaction to him. He seems to have abused his child? Is that why everyone hated him?