Mandamon

Thanks @Warmacky! Most of that happened in a previous chapter, but there will be some more repercussions moving forward. Interesting. I can change this around if needed. I'll see what others say. Mainly I was thinking this was something outside the doctor's area, so he wasn't as confindent. Ah, that was in the previous submission! Another good point and another one I'll need to see what others say. It might be this is because you haven't read the previous sections, and it might be that I'm just missing some emotion here. Drones: yes. There's a bit earlier about that. On burial customs, This is actually a point I was planning to change, as those from the fleet would be used to recycling their dead into the ship's systems. Thanks again!

Whoof. So, here's the second half of chapter 8, and only one POV. That thing that's been foreshadowed with a giant neon sign? That happens here, so plan on emotions accordingly. You'll also notice I've started marking each section with the date. I'll be doing this throughout the book, and I'm changing the "chapters" to "parts" because they're so long. Let me know of any thoughts on this. Also tell me thoughts on anything else, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Sarah B and @shatteredsmooth! Sounds like this one went pretty well. I'm interested to see what you think of the next one. Ah, I can clear this up. I think I meant N had been taking care of the Vagals and Gens for a year, regarding them as "children." I'll see what I can do with this section too.

@Silk tagging to help out.

Thanks @C_Vallion and @Sarah B! Will fix. Also, glad it comes across as the end of an act! Thanks for the comments. I'm working on revisions now and clarifying Ag's thoughts toward kids Also working on J to add a lot more tension to her character! Another place I'm adding some more information on ship life to the beginning so this will make more sense. I'll clear this up. More that the fungus is growing into the turbines and clogging them. Another good point. I'm adding in some more resistance from the other Admins. Great catches overall. I usually end up missing a lot of emotional stuff on the first draft, so the second draft is where I add in a lot more of the emotional layer. I'll make sure this gets revved up.

Going to keep on keeping on with this one, and submit the second of chapter 8 on the 18th.

Thanks @C_Vallion! Yep, some others have mentioned this. I'm starting on rewrites now and this will be going in the first few chapters. Ah, good catch. I'll adjust. I think I need to add something about how they have the processes in place to refine resources but didn't have any sources to get minerals from.

This is much improved from the last version I read! There were a couple places that could be cut down a bit, but overall, this moved me through the story well, and we learn a lot about A in these chapters. We also get some powering up for E, getting ready for the final fight, and then a try/fail with going after M the first time. I don't think the chapters are broken at all. You couple maybe combine 9 and 10, but that also might make the resulting chapter too long. Notes while reading: pg 1: "I opened radar on" --the radar pg 1: "The first thing I needed to do was make sure I was right about who A was" --this is vague. Meaning E is trying to affirm his gender? Or is there something else? pg 1: "went on with the story" --what story? pg 3: "He traced the outline of a man and a lanky teenager. The man had a cane, and even in the grainy photo..." --Confused. Where is the photo? Chapter 8: I thought the pacing was pretty good here. It's all learning about A. and the arc reflects that. pg 5: "when our mom’s are mannequins?" --moms pg 6: the pacing in here is a bit slower, especially compared to the discovery of the last chapter. pg 7: The pacing picks up a lot when A emerges again. Maybe cut down the first two pages of this chapter a bit? Chapter 9: This one stars a little slow, but picks up a lot once we see the memory. We're learning more about A again, so it's got some good character building. pg 11: The try/fail here seems very quick. E's said they couldn't do it for an hour, and then suddenly they see the energy. What's different this time? Can it be linked to an emotion or something? Chapter 10: this chapter feels a bit short. I wonder if it can be combined with the previous one to show both the memory and learning to see energy? That might be too much for one arc. Chapter 11: No real notes here. The story kept me interested and it's a good try/fail cycle to progress things. I think it works.

Here's the first half of chapter 8 which is only two POVs this time. Things are getting real! This also contains one of my favorite parts, because I get to geek out a bees a little. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Silk Sounds like this one's reading fairly smooth at any rate. I think this is going to get added in way early, like the very first chapter. Ok, fair. Might be that this is a tipping point, but I'm not getting that across well. The next chapter will show some of that, but I'll work on bulking up J's speech and decisions to make them more definite.

I'd love to carry on with the first half of chapter 8 on the 11th!

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Oops. More resistant. Thanks. *eyebrow waggle* I'll take a look at the whole chapter and see if there's anything that seems incomplete. Glad that it's propelling you on though. That's definitely the intent!

1. Summary - I have some notes below, but the summary honestly doesn't help me much. There's so much in here it's hard to identify what's important. I took a stab at cleaning it up below. 2. Pacing is better, but I think it's hampered by not understanding the reasons behind the orange armbands and how much I. is fixated on being recognized. 3. There are some good points in here, but they are hidden by a lot of extraneous information, like a page of prose to get to whose portrait is being defaced, and what the orange armbands are for or against. When I make an outline, I use bullet points to help see what's important. That may be something that could help you as well. Notes: Reader notes: --I'd condense this down a lot. It's not so much a summary as a wall of text. Maybe put it in bullet points so it's easier to see the plot points? pg 1: "When first approaching the school..." --I don't think most of this paragraph is necessary information for reading the next chapter. --the next two short paragraphs could be useful in a summary pg 2: You could condense all of what leads into "I. can’t help but wonder. If students here had been willing to kill one of the king’s messengers, what would they do if they found his daughter in their midst?" to something like: "After revealing herself as an outsider and a G., she is allowed to do magic, but to mixed reaction. Many of the students here are fiercely independent and not as loyal to their mother country as I. thought." pg 2: you could probably cap off the summary with "She needs to find H before someone realizes who she is." and that would be enough to get people ready for the next chapter. pg 2: The summary doesn't actually say what the orange armbands mean. Why are they important? (Edit: the summary also doesn't say who Lord H, King Is, and what or who Ved. is. Those would be helpful reminders) Chapter 22: pg 4: in the description of the picture the students were throwing darts at, I got lost. Is I. thinking this is a portrait of her grandfather? Might be better to move that up to the beginning of the section. pg 5: "Both wore orange bands" --still unclear what this means. They hate the G. aristocracy? pg 5: So King I. is funding the orange armbands? Still not clear. pg 6: Not a lot happening on this page. pg 9: "“Her uncle pays your tuition." --so H is paying for the orange armbands to learn? I'm trying to follow the dynamics here but it's not clear. Took a long time to get to this point. pg 9: "There was little chance that he could have seen her face without seeing her resemblance..." I feel like a lot is made out of this point. Yes, family tends to resemble each other, but it's also not a giveaway. No one seems to be recognizing I anyway, so is it just all in her head? pg 10: "Then it hadn’t been poisoned." --not sure what just happened here. I thought I's wound was flaring up? But then she assumes K put something in her drink when he wasn't near? Is she hallucinating from the wound or something? pg 11: "she’d been recognized" --has she? I didn't get that impression from anything. pg 13: "if K had recognized her..." --again, I'm missing where this happened. pg 13: "But she could try to push him to reconsider." --reconsider what? pg 14: Missing who V. is. That would be good to have in the summary. pg 14: I think a lot of this might be too subtle. I'm getting lost between V., H., and King Is. All of those names would be good to have in the summary, though they should also be clear from context here. I can't tell if K thinks I is a child or V or H. pg 15: There's a better arc to this chapter, focusing on I and hiding her identity, but it gets a bit confused in the middle. I think you could also be more specific at the end. What news from G? Bad? Good? Concerning a person? Mentioning part of that will help draw readers into the next chapter more than having a vague threat.

Definitely a lot smoother than last time! I generally agree with @kais on the emotion. I didn't mark it while I read, but there is a lot of "stomach" going on with E's emotions. I thought the pacing kept up well through all of this, and I also agree chapter 5 was weaker and chapter 6 was very strong. It started to lag a bit toward the end, and I also got confused when the were stated as sitting at a booth after most of a chapter. Adding E as a friend to D adds some character backstory, but I think it could be shown a bit clearer. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Ignoring me was less likely than non-mechanical antique dolls moving around. " --had to read this sentence a couple times. I think it's right, just complex. pg 1: "They loved to dress him in feminine clothes to rebel against gender norms." --Can you just let the pronouns do the work in this sentence and cut out "to rebel against gender norms?" pg 1: "and blood-red eyes" --that's not creepy at all... pg 2: "Its foot moved forward." --this is a good place to show HOW it's moving. Jerky? Too smooth? Stop and start? pg 2: Mom talking is a nice touch. pg 4: "head butted calf" --MY calf pg 5: "We’ll come back for them when we’re prepared.” --D is surprisingly on board with this development. pg 6: "A wavered" --Did A introduce himself to E in the last chapter? pg 7: "How often did she see stuff like this?" --okay, some explanation for D's calm. pg 9: The pacing is much tighter than I remember! pg 9: "but if D had never even heard of people turning into mannequins, what were the odds of there being anything useful?" --I thought E was going to wonder about how calm D was. I don't think that's been completely answered. pg 11: The pace slows a little through here, but it's still good! They get some needed information and keep moving. pg 13: "I don’t want to say it just in case it’s a dead name." --I get why E might be more sensitive to this, but also 90%+ of the time it's just going to be someone's nickname. pg 13: "but I had a reason" --but then there's no reason given. It says A is a boy. Why would E then need to ask about pronouns? Is E saying the longer name sounds feminine? I think the thoughts behind these paragraphs are good, but they could be cleaned up a bit to flow better. pg 14: "They told my mom that they had to go away for a few days..." --This is very plotful when it comes up. D didn't remember any of this while ghosts and mannequins were chasing them around? Or when E expressly asked about hauntings and the mill? pg 15: "A couple people sat down at the table across from our booth" --oh wow. I did not realize they were actually AT the pizza parlor. Pandemic has trained me so much that when they said they were getting the pizza last chapter I assumed they were coming back to the house to eat it... pg 16: A little confusion with names through here. Is Mx. R the one who's away? Also, I thought Mrs. B's wife was the one they were going to call, but then later she's referred to as M. pg 17: We learn the name of the person "something" happened to here. I was going to call that out on pg 15 as vague, but figured D was avoiding it. But then she talks about E here. So can she just say that something happened to a friend, E back on page 15? That would make it a lot easier for the reader to identify what's going on with Mrs. B.

Just took at look at the email and I think there's nothing attached?

Thanks @kais Now I want to read this...

Good thoughts. I can address this in the beginning chapters. Yes trans, although she could easily be intersex. I'll ponder which works better, but yes, will probably need to pass it though a sensitivity reader. Suuuuure. That's exactly what I intended. I'm glad you figured out my carefully hidden secret allusion to melanin. *scribbles notes* Yeah, I'm going to need to adjust this throughout. I like @Ace of Hearts's idea about a viral pathogen versus, or alongside spores. Thanks @kais!

The second half of chapter 7 is pretty short, and only two POVs, but (hopefully) gives the tipping point between re-action and pro-action for the book. Let me know what you think, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! I think the next part will help bring everything together? I'll have to wait until tomorrow at least to see! Heh. I'm hoping the eventual conclusion on this plotline will work. Not saying anything yet! D isn't a POV character, but I suppose I could do it from An. Hadn't thought about that. I'll have to see how it would change things.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Good catch. Need to fix this somehow. Probably either adding more to it, or just saying "non-binary." I'll add some bits to it.

Thanks @Silk and @Ace of Hearts! Noted. I'll fix. I think you're right on this, and great example. Legacy was brutal! I had no idea that much time would be covered when I started reading, and it ended up being a bit of an inspiration for this book (except this one's half as long, or less). Adding some more of that in will help. I just mentioned missing something in last week's submission. That's a good idea for an endcap to that arc. Looks like I need to add a bit more background. They're basically out of metals at this point because they've used more than that wanted on protective plates and haven't found any sources yet. Can do. Thanks again!

Thanks @Ace of Hearts! As usual, great comments on the sciencey/DNA side. That will help a lot with edits. I think you have a great idea there--I need to make the "virus" aspect clearer from the biomass rather than fungal, even though that's more what it looks like. I thought about that as I was reading this over. I think I might need to add a bit more at the beginning about family life on the ship to justify this. That would also give A&D a little more time at the beginning of the book. I agree. I'm not quite satisfied with this chapter arc. I'll ponder on what to add.

A bit slow on replies this week. I'd love to submit the rest of chapter 7 next week, and then people can read the whole thing.

Definitely. I'll need to rearrange this book somewhat on the first edit. As it should! Yeah, I need to edit this section, and I know I need to. I was hoping feedback would help me figure out where, and I think it has. Thanks! Heh. Me too. Good catch. I'll elaborate. Noted. This is only half the full chapter, and this will be addressed in the next one, but I agree this ending is a little weak. Thanks @kais!

Thanks @kais I'll probably need to catch up with you on explanations for this when I make edits... Yep! Thank you! I'm sure I will need more of this... Mainly the structural component (though it's also the author ignorance component...). I wanted something that was very high structural strength and something the mat couldn't really get hold of (like a non-porous material), and also they have NO other materials available. There will be some more of this next chapter (sub 9), so let me know if it makes more sense there.