Mandamon

I'm honored! I love that book. (and glad it worked...) ;-) Yeah, I think I need to define this on the first go-round. It's used later in the book as well. Noted. I can definitely compress it a bit. Sort of? There's some talk about the ship going for 400 years when it was only supposed to be 85, but nothing direct. Let me know what you think with the next few chapters. Thanks again @Sarah B!

Thanks @C_Vallion, @kais, @Mythranor, and @Mwindaji! Great feedback. Seems like hard scifi is not a well-read genre here, so I'm interested how this goes over. (By the way, @Mwindaji congrats on the first critique! I'm honored.) A few comments: On Megaseconds - I continue to waffle on this one. I like it as something people on a ship might use with no reference to a planet, day/night cycles, or a star, and just using the passing seconds of the clock. It's also accurate for the subjective time for the passengers, especially if they are moving an appreciable fraction of lightspeed. That said, the conversion is messy, as @Mythranor and @Mwindaji say. This is something that continues through the book, but we see it from different perspectives, so let me know if it gets better/worse. On Dramatis Personae - No problem with skipping over this. I'll probably cut this back to just the main characters and the Admins, as it might be confusing to keep track of all of them. On POV shifts - This will be A Thing with this book. There are only 12 chapters (!) for an 85k book, so some of the later ones get really long. I might actually re title these to "sections" instead of "chapters" depending on if things are confusing. On Passive voice - Looks like this came across fairly well. I was concerned how this would be regarded, but it seems to be doing what was intended. This was clear to me when I wrote it, but seems like not clear to others. I can explain it the first time so it makes sense. I'm using "Muux" as a gender-neutral term of respect along with "ma'am" and "sir." Hopefully this works. This was definitely a callout for engineers. ;-) I think this might be in the next chapter? Let me know what you think when we get there. I might need to move that part up somehow. Also this. I wonder if I just need to suck it up and put one of the main POVs in the second chapter into the first, even though it's not really at her inciting incident yet. I'll ponder. Awesome! I love her too. She's a terrible human being, but I really like her story. Good point. I think I need to make a note in the beginning of how many are awake on the ship. I note it later on, but it might need to be earlier. That's pretty much all he wants at this point. He's a creature of habit and just wants to keep doing what he's been doing. His arc I experimented with coming from a character being perfectly happy in the beginning, and then things change. Most of the POVs from the ship are pretty young, so yes, he's early 20's. There's more on this next chapter, so let me know if it helps. There's some explanation for this a bit later... Awesome! Both will be important... Lol. There were definitely some Issues in organizing this voyage. I don't really directly refer to them, but some you can read between the lines.

1. Points of interest/engagement? Positive qualities? --I wasn't very engaged with this chapter as I wasn't sure what was going on half the time. 2. What's not working for you or is confusing? --The subject and arc of this chapter seemed to flit from one thing to another. Aside from introducing Z, I'm not really sure what was accomplished. 3. How are the characters coming across? --Z seems like she has ADHD? and D is in charge of keeping her on target? It was kind of hard to pin the characters down as they're weren't really consistent in what happened. 4. Reading this over I don't feel like the story knows as much about what to do with Z at the beginning as it does with S. How do you feel about her role in the story? Any suggestions? --Agree. I think taking one aspect of this chapter - Seeking out M, or getting info on the angel, or attending the refugees, or the fight, or the purpose of the organization, or stopping to sketch things... - basically it needs to be condensed to an arc that's recognizable. I'd suggest taking some of the information away and focusing on what is the most important at this early point in the book. Notes while reading: Pg 1: I'd break the first sentence into two, one about hitting the punching bag, and then about how it's made. pg 1: You could probably condense a lot of this first page to get to D coming in sooner. pg 1: "that covered even the skin around her eyes, but when Z looked close she saw that D’s eye color was leaf-green..." --So does this just have eyehole cutouts like a mask? Also, if she already knows the eye color, she wouldn't have to look close here. pg 2: “tell it to me straight.” --a bit anachronistic? pg 3: "ask something out of line.” --What is her status that this was out of line? --also, the question she eventually asks seems pretty benign and appropriate for a risky mission. pg 3: "what to do about that" --about what? I"m not really sure what's going on yet. About the day? M getting captured? Something else? pg 3: "It was a mercy that she didn’t remember" --so she doesn't remember the challenge and one of the princes getting killed? Is that what M is supposed to find out? I thought S already knew? Couldn't she ask him? pg 4: Confused now. I'm not sure which events Z is talking about or what she wants to discover. pg 4: "You know, for someone in charge of a group called the Freedom Fighters..." --the topics here are meandering a lot and i'm not really sure what's going on. pg 5: "Of course it came back to her not being able to bond with a crystal..." "...since D was a telepath" --We haven't seen any sign of D using telepath, have we? Also, I guess their scheme is to kill the Holy Ruler? There seems to be a lot of other stuff going on as well. pg 5: "that she knew how to paint" --She can sketch, but can't paint? They seem like...related skills. pg 6: "Z cut herself off before remembering any further" --This is a bit of an awkward trope. It's hard not to think about something once you start. pg 7: "The Creator must want her to come to terms with her past today" --again, this seems a little forced. Was there a reason for sketching cactus or randomly following a bird? It seems like a plotful way to get Z here. pg 8: "about her twin brother" "would Z be ready to face the truth?" --Z'a twin or M's twin? --Still not sure what truth this is. A lot of this chapter is vague. pg 9: "why wouldn’t he tell her more about what he found out from their mother?" --this is adding yet another element to an already confusing sequence. pg 9/10: I didn't get that this was the angel from just the cloak. And then...they just fight? I'm not really sure what's going on. pg 11: "She was flying and had daggers floating around her neck like the Red Angel of legends.” --so why wasn't she flying this time? Also, I thought she hadn't appeared again, so I'm not sure what Z's significance is. pg 12: "Be sure not to go easy on that leg" --Be sure TO go easy? pg 14: “Do you think the refugees are okay in there?” --I'm getting whiplash from all the changes in direction this chapter takes.

Hello all! Well, I'm finally back to submitting, as I haven't since *checks forum* goodness...June 2020! This is the first chapter of the first book of a new hard sci fi trilogy I'm writing, about a generational ship encountering a strange planet. I won't give anything more away for now. Any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc. If this was the first chapter of a book you picked up, would you keep reading? If not what turns you off?

I just finished up the first draft of my latest book, so...I guess I'd like a space for Monday!

Well, I'm definitely on board with this! I really liked the previous versions I read and this one is even better. You've got a great intro and I really like S.'s character. How much of this is written? Because I'd like to read more. Questions: 1. Great voice, good character hook to start, some intriguing questions. I would keep reading this. 2. I think it's actually made more confusing the few info dumps. Taking those out or making them smaller would remove those questions until you have time to answer them. 3. Nothing for now except a little more show and less tell. I want to read the next one! 4. I really like the setting, but as I have very little exposure with this culture, I can't say if it would be problematic to anyone in that culture. That said, there's nothing very controversial here except potentially for the intersex/crossdressing topic, which depends entirely on your audience. Tagging @kais for if you want to have more insight for the intersex part. Notes while reading pg 1: "The empathic fear that his psychic hand crystal was relaying to him slithered back a few centimeters. " --The fear slithered back? Sort of confusing since you're also introducing a magical item. pg 1: "How many people fit that description?” --so is this saying people would recognize him anyway because his condition is rare? Then why is he trying to disguise himself at all? --Also, the infodump paragraph after this one could probably be cut. It's not really necessary here. You might leave in the the fact that he's intersex. Also, you can get great information on that front from Kais. pg 2: "“I came out of the womb as a boy..." --Also might look to intersex people for how this paragraph reads. pg 3: "But why should the guard care even if he did feel like a girl?" --Nice. pg 3: "“If you can find a bunch of other boys like me..." --this starts to get long-winded though. pg 4: "and he… didn’t have a way of turning it off" --again, could cut down on the explanation here and show it instead. I'm also not sure if this is soemthing rare, or if lots of people have it. pg 4: "to throw his life away" --Good hook. You've got my interest with a great character introduction, and I want to find out what he's doing. pg 5: "had a guard walking a couple paces behind him." --Hmmm...that would give away that he's a person of influence. I'm still not sure how effective this disguise is. pg 5: "one in a hundred chance that he was an empath instead." --So here I'm a little confused and I think the tell rather than show is making it more confusing. Maybe introduce another person who is a telepath and the crystal works as normal to show us the difference? Doens't have to be here. I'm fine knowing he's an empath for now. Bringing in telepaths confuses the issue. pg 7: "It was a cover story his father had come up with" --this is interesting. So he's supported and even encouraged in doing this. pg 7: "they were psions by the crystal in each of their left hands," --they who? Does the guard have one too? pg 7, end: Getting a little lost on what the objective is. He's talking to people to get information about...what? The original statement is "satisfaction with the regime." Is there anything more specific? WHY do they need information about the regime? pg 8: "the possibility of his brother letting in more." --Also confused here. It said before, his brother died. I guess this is a different brother? Is his father still alive? One or two sentences about his family could help. pg 9: It sounds more like he's gathering information on the immigrants. pg 9: "the vendor suspected him of being a boy" --interesting. But this is pretty rare, right? Would only intersex people be male with his coloring? pg 10: Alright, we now find out about the Red Angel. That seems like the real reason he's out talking to people. Maybe a statement near the front about how it's a long shot, but he hopes he hears something? pg 11: "challenge J for rulership at the last second and earn a spear through his eye for the troubles." --Ahh. So his brother didn't die from the angel but from his other brother. pg 12: "who could read minds" --unnecessary with "telepath." pg 14: "a Holy Ruler’s brother wasn’t allowed to father sons that might rise up to challenge for the throne." --so the marriages are purely political, then? pg 14: “Ah, yes. There was something I wished to tell you." --that's a little...anticlimactic for what's got to be an unprecedented loss of artifacts and money! pg 14: “So unfortunately, we may not be able to initiate as many telepaths in the upcoming years." --this seems very blase for what happened. pg 15: "deactivating the protective psychic aura around him" --I thought he couldn't control it? pg 16: "the First Citizen" --who is this again? pg 16: "what he saw from the Red Angel," --I thought he didn't see it? OR did he see it with his brother?

Well, I think the story is the right length this time! I think I've answered your questions in my notes, but I'll add some quick summaries: Which emotional beats are still missing or still need to be cranked up? -The anger about the relationship isn't quite working for me yet. This leads to the next question. Does the set up work better for the haunting? - Closer, but not quite. I think a little more information about what A's hiding at the beginning or some snapshots of weird things J remembers could help. Having a concrete reason A didn't want to share will lend her better agency, and a better reason for J being upset with her. Should I add more visual description of the setting? - The only place I had problems was when the train first started moving. I wasn't sure what was happening. Is the end more earned now? -Better, but it still doesn't land fully for me. The cat and couch are almost a letdown after the tension of clearing the trees. There needs to be more danger or tension here about what will happen. it needs to be somehow harder than clearing out tree trunks, either emotionally or physically. Much closer though! I think this will be a really fun story with another pass. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Or maybe proposing didn’t feel right because J had this nagging sense A was hiding something from her." --I know this is on the first page, but I still think this comes out of nowhere. Can there be a statement up where it talks about ghosts leading to this? pg 2: "but by now she’d gotten used to her appearing out of nowhere." --so A is also a ghost? pg 4: "why A was so determined to keep pieces of the train" --I assume because she needs a tether for her ghostly existence? --Also, this gets into the secrets thing and supports it well. Some hint of J's frustration at the beginning would help out as well. pg 5: "and after half an hour" --They waited half an hour to get to work? Or am I missing something here? It's an oddly specific amount of time. pg 5: "This must be a dream" --It's a pretty bland reaction from J. There's nothing in the moment about her reactions to the train moving away from her. Is it moving or not? Some more thoughts from J or description would help the blocking here. pg 5: "The floor moved as she ran, so she didn’t go anywhere" "What kind of nightmare was this?" --Yeah, definitely need more explanation or emotion here. This is something that doesn't happen naturally and J isn't wondering about what happened. pg 6: "but I didn’t know the ghost could do this" --Ghost, or ghosts? Also, I still don't understand the hallway moving. Is the train itself moving, or are parts of he inside moving around? pg 7: "Maybe I should’ve told you a long time ago. It’s where I get most of my ideas for my books" --I still think this needs more setup to pack the right punch. Not sure where, btu maybe more with A being shifty at the beginning, or specific reasons why J thinks she's hiding something? pg 7: "And you never even tried to tell me.” --Also not really believable. Why didn't she tell her girlfriend? What's the reason for it, besides just "you won't believe me." pg 8: "hoping the ghosts would hear and maybe slow down" --still confused on whether the train is moving. pg 8: "let her excitement about the train rise over sense of betrayal." --I think this artificially tamps down the tension. Her girlfriend's been lying to her for a decade! She has a right to feel betrayed. pg 9: “Yes. I think it’s technically flying.” --I think you could have some description that leads us to this conclusion rather than just telling. pg 9: "J almost dropped her phone." --why? And why is this a separate paragraph? pg 11: "they were not stopping again until they reached their destination because starting and stopping the train took a too much energy." --Sooooo...why did they start the train moving in the first place? pg 11: "glowered at the line" --what line? Line of customers? pg 12: Glad we're getting the emotional response finally, but I still think there should be some hint of it before now. pg 13: “It’s a miracle one of us didn’t get killed on the train," --Why? Just from it moving? pg 13: “You’re not a ghost, right?” --Ha! Well, I"m glad she finally asked. pg 14: The emotional beats aren't sitting right with me for some reason. I think it's because A keeps shrugging off that she's been lying, and J doesn't have anything to bounce her anger off of. Can we have some other reason for A never telling and J never suspecting she could talk to ghosts even though they've been in close contact continually for ten years? pg 15: "Assuming we is still a thing." --I think this is also what's bothering me. A talking to ghosts doesn't change their relationship. If she had been talking to and was IN a relationship with a ghost, then yes. But aside from a lie about something that is hard to believe, she hasn't done anything to endanger what they two of them have. pg 15: "Because if she hadn’t believed, she could’ve ruined it long before..." --Again, this secret doesn't actually have anything do to with their relationship. Knowing it changes nothing about the two of them except that A has lied. That's a reason in itself, but it has a reason and is something they can talk about. pg 16: “They’re impatient. And coming. Slowly. But they’re coming.” --more reason on the train side would also be good. Why are they moving? Otherwise it's an artificial tension in the story. Is something going to happen if the train stays there? pg 18: The section with the couch and kitten seems rushed. It's much easier to move a couch vs. cut through trees. The kitten doesn't provide an obstacle as they just put it in the truck. I was thinking something was going to happen with the couch that meant they would almost get hit by the train, but nothing did. It's a small problem after the large problem of the trees, and sort of an anticlimax. pg 18: More reason on why A hid information about the ghosts would help a lot with the resolution of J deciding to pop the question at the end. Right now it's not a big climax because I feel like the stakes aren't high enough. pg 19: I wonder if it might be better just to end with the train at the museum? Introducing the conductor, how he knows about the ghosts, why he's in old-fashioned conductor clothes, ect all in the last time brings up too many questions for me.

Interesting start, but I feel like the arc in this chapter isn't quite complete and I don't know why. 1. Does this hook you into the story? I was hooked by the promise of a Beowulf retelling, but I don't see any of that yet, so...no. I kept reading to figure out how it was a retelling, but couldn't really see anything. 2. Does the character sound like a kid? Is the voice strong enough? I guess? I don't think B has a particularly distinctive voice yet. We know some about his character from the choices he's made, but not a voice. 3. What about world-building? Too much? Too little? Just right? I thought this was on a generational spaceship at first, from the mention of "space steel," but it took a few pages before I realized it was on another planet. I'm not sure why ducks in particular are displaced from Earth, and not cats or dogs or pigs or something. Still not completely sure of the setting yet. 4. Based on this opening, what do you expect the book to be about? What promises is the narrative making? Not entirely sure. I was mainly looking for Beowulf connections, but didn't really find any. So now i'm confused as to what the story is about. B recovering from losing his duck? Going to a swim competition? I guess maybe he could fight one of the native species who lives in a cave underwater, but I don't know why he would do that. I think this may be where I'm confused by the premise of the story. Beowulf starts with the main character arriving at the hall to save them from a monster. We get the premise very quickly. Unless the monster is N here, we haven't been introduced to an antagonist who's been harassing an entire tribe of people. Obviously, this doesn't need to be the same story as the original, but I'm not seeing the connections yet. If it's more of a sports story than a retelling, then aside from B liking swimming, there wasn't a lot of conflict with him getting/not getting to go to the competition. I would have been more interested if we knew up front that he wanted to go, and N was keeping him from it. The way it's presented, it's not even a point of conflict, because it's resolved almost on the last page, before we know about it. More information about why N would kill a duck and why B wanted to go to the competition would help. Notes while reading: pg 1: "space steel" --is this different from regular steel? pg 3: "They opened their draw" --drawer pg 4: "brining prestige" --bringing pg 6: "though I think you have already made yours.” --So I guess he's going to the competition?

Questions: 1. What kind of emotions does the story need more of? I think it's missing an entire second half and all the emotional turmoil that will give us the sense of victory when J finally proposes. 2. Where is it most important to add those emotions? While A and J work together to clear the track and save the train and ghosts. 3/4. Character and plot? / When Jeanie clears the road, I kind of skim over it. Do you think it works for Jeanie to do it alone? Or would you rather see her and Alicia work together to do it? How detailed should it be? Hm...Yeah, the last page is very confusing and things just sort of end. There's a good setup here with the ghosts, but you've skipped all the exciting story parts. What things does she have to clear to get the tracks working? Will the train derail if she doesn't? She briefly mentions leaving A, but it's very unclear where she is and how far away she is from A. The resolution is...fine, but there's no sense of satisfaction because there's no tension between "we have to clear the rails" and "whew, we made it!" The story is only 3k, but I think it needs to be about double that to develop the characters while they act on the plot setup in the first section. 5. Does it end in the right place? Or do I need to add more? It doesn't need more at the end, it needs more to justify the end. 6. Both Jeanie’s and Alicia’s pronouns are she/her/hers. If I use different pronouns, it was an accident. If you see any slips (most likely to they), feel free to point them out. Found maybe one spot, below. Notes while reading: Pg 1: "gayest party train Tonic, Vermont." --Not sure what this means. It's a literal train? It's a town? --Ok, the rest of the paragraph makes it sound like it's an actual train car. pg 1: “This is probably the last time we’ll see her.” --The train? pg 2: “We need to eat,” --What does that have to do with coming to the train? pg 2: "ahead of tome." --Time pg 5: "So did that mean this was real? Or that she just forgot that part of her dreams?" --Interesting! pg 6: "quickly realizing the words were a mistake." --How would she realize that? I think she might after the train knocks her down, but not before. pg 6: "Their spirits returned here" --Whose spirits? pg 7: “Why didn’t you tell me?” --That...wouldn't be my first question pg 7: "And she’d had a feeling A was keeping something from her." --This comes out of nowhere. Would be good to plant a seed earlier. pg 7: “So, are here any..." --There pg 8: "Then the ghosts fly it to a museum.” --"Have the ghosts?" pg 8: "which museum" --There's a museum on the tracks, we know, but I doubt there are many... pg 9: "J's Chest Tightened. If the ghosts didn’t trust, her, did that mean A also didn’t?" --weird capitals, also how does one follow the other? Isn't she about to propose? Weird time to think a future finacee doesn't trust her. pg 9: “It’s not on the rails to begin with,” --what isn't? I thought the museum was? Too many objects in this section. pg 10: "car until they were practically at the museum and found a space to pull the car off, and then they were back..." --Are these "they"s referring to J (which should be "she") or to something else?

Sorry for being so late on this one! Last week got away from me. Like the others said, this chapter is a bit disconnected. It jumps through a lot of the aspects of the story, but doesn't really settle on any of them enough for a satisfying reaction. Both the gun and the fire I felt didn't really get the emotion they deserved. As to your questions: 1. I think even this version has gone through a lot of changes while we've been reading it, so I wonder how connected the whole is. If you've planning on mostly rewriting it, I'm not sure feedback on the rest of this version will help that much. 2. I was engaged with the grandmother and finding out more about her and the fairies, but then the focus changed drastically to the romance plot and then back again to danger with the fire. I wasn't that engaged for the second part of the chapter. 3. I'm interested in the grandmother and what powers or status she has. I'm not quite sure what Archer is doing there. As to prescriptive feedback, I think there are two or three different stories going on here. We have the romance between W and N, but even that took a few chapters to get going. We have the mystery with the fairies and the flowers. This ties into the romance well, as W is finding out about the magic. This could certainly be pulled earlier in the story. We also have the monster/supernatural story which I suspect is where the cop, the grandfather and so on come in. I'm honestly not sure how this relates to the story as we've seen so little of it. Then finally there is the high school event and YA part. I was never really attached to this part because I don't read a lot of YA. As with the supernatural element, this has come in a few places, mainly with the drama with B and A. I think any of these could make a good story, but maybe not all of them together. I'd pick a couple of the ones you really want to focus on and remove the plot threads dealing with the other ones. Looking forward to what you do with it! Notes while reading: pg 2: "Luring travelers in and trapping them forever" --sounds like N isn't the usual specimen! pg 2: "deplete the world’s natural resources" --not sure how this part fits in...ok, W calls her out thinking it through, but I'm still not sure why it would even come up. pg 4: Who's Sull? Is that N's last name? pg 4: "He pulls a gun on her" --this is all pretty sudden and there's not a lot of shock or emotion accompanying it. Things should have just gotten a lot more tense. The grandfather is a bit over the top as a villain. There's not a lot of motivation for his actions yet. pg 6: yeah, this is a lot different tone from the rest of the book. pg 11: The fire is another quick change. This chapter has gone from confrontation and danger, to romance, and now to a fire?

I thought this was a really good chapter and finally got to things we've been waiting a long time to see! There are some interesting tidbits with how the village is set up and how much these people are actually magical vs. just isolated. I'm looking forward to seeing what's real and what's not. There were some good parts on how they came there, and whether they took native land just as much as the rest of the US did. Sounds like they may just be a bit more like the Amish than truly cut off from the rest of civilization. I really like that things are moving now, but all this definitely needs to come sooner. It feels like this is getting to the heart of the story, and it's 16 chapters in. Notes while reading: pg 3: "and that took a whole engagement timespan to pass" --It took that long for them to accept her? Unclear. bottom of pg 4: B's name is spelled differently pg 6: "doesn’t have the genetic marker for Huntington’s" --wait, what? Where did this come from? I think I'm missing something. pg 7: "Secrets within secrets within secrets" --how long is the book supposed to be? I think no matter how long, a lot of this should start popping up earlier. pg 11: Interesting to see the "Fey" people, and now I'm really wondering how much they're actually magical and how much they're just sort of Amish-like

I agree with @Sarah B that the second one is the winner. I think especially since Q's personality is one of the driving factors of the book, a mental state is required. That said, I do like a lot of the voice and brevity of the first one. It reads a bit better, so if some of the direct thoughts were cut down in the second one, that would make it more streamlined. So maybe a combination of the first and second, with some of the brevity and wit of the description, but also the added mental remarks by Q that show us what he's like. Notes while reading: Opening 1: You don't mention Q's name until the third paragraph. Moving it up a bit might help. pg 2: "he noted a family portrait wedged..." --I thought this was a room at the airline or a hotel. Why would there be a family portrait? pg 2: "a full two minutes at the mirror" --That's...a lot of time staring in the mirror. Q is fairly vain, but after a point, you run out of things to look at. Opening 2: This one seems very overwrought, though I'm assuming "call me Q" is a reference to Moby Dick? Regardless I like the extra thoughts adding more character to Q, but maybe indirect thoughts rather than direct, so it doesn't break up the flow as much? pg 4: The part about his past is much more informative here. I think that's a good thing to have in the opening few pages. pg 4: "These homely touches, reminders of distant family," --yeah, still confused about the picture. Is he using crew's quarters? How did he get in here? pg 4: ", but still there was nothing even close to an answer there" --at least this answers some of why he was staring into the mirror. Opening 3: Don't like this one. It strips out everything that's the soul of this book. It's about Q's journey and seeing from his eyes, so not having his thoughts or headspace takes a lot away.

Sorry for being late! This week got away from me. 1) I was a little confused on what the police officer was doing in front of the rich guy's house (and also how he hasn't been report for being a total creep, but also I have seen some of the terribleness of the US police force...). I was also a little confused on when E moved to this house and where he was before? Maybe that's something earlier in the story I've forgotten. Otherwise, I thought this was a good chapter. 2) Some really good development with W and N, and something I'd been waiting on for a while. E's allo/ace conversation is a little strange, as @C_Vallion says. It's good for representation, but could probably be cut down to make it stand out less. Interested to find out how the new players fit into the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: “Ah. It’s not like the cop is here for an investigation. Sorry for not making that clear. He’s.” --bit of an awkward sentence... pg 1: "At first glance he looks like the prototypical police officer, but I have met this person before" --So isn't he still a prototypical officer? Recognizing him hasn't changed that. pg 2: “You are quite a fascinating person, you know." --so, like, report him for harassment? pg 2: "I’ll leave your little… acquaintance alone." --report for harassment part 2? what was he planning on doing, anyway? pg 4: The whole using taekwando on bullies thing sort of rubs me the wrong way, though W at least mentions how wood doesn't fight back. pg 5: Also, if the creepy police officer is hanging around in front of this mansion without invitation he would DEFINITELY be called out and reported. Rich people have very little tolerance for law enforcement getting into their business. pg 9" “Not that I was around for any of this,” --I thought E lived here? Why was he not around? bottom of pg 9: Should that be "E says," not "N says?" pg 11: The allosexual section is interesting information, but E's been in relationships before he came out as ace, right? He knows what goes on. He's acting like he has no idea how to act in an allosexual way. pg 14: good conversation on anxiety and feeling needed. This adds some good depth to N's character.

Hmmm...I have...issues with this chapter, which probably stems from the quick rewrite. I feel like this is focused on the wrong character. We get N's reaction at the beginning and feeling something bad will happen, but the rest of the chapter is taken up by the characters talking about the bad things that happened to N, and NO ONE ASKS WHERE OR HOW HE IS. A lot of the focus is on B, who is an interesting, if not totally believable, character. We've seen a little side of this before, but she's got a very weird speaking pattern and keeps making not the usual connections. I think she can be an intriguing character (more so than A), but we're going to need a lot of setup to get here, so much that I wonder if it's going to get in the way of the N/W/E connection. I think looking through my notes below shows what I was more connected with in the chapter. I feel like a lot was going on but none of it addressed the issue at hand. Notes while reading: pg 2: "“I think you’re right.” His voice is quiet. “And I don’t think that’s going to stop me.”" --good line. pg 3: "Then he started seeing someone else who could be cold, distant, irrational, and rude. Me. Is that a coincidence?" --*rolls eyes at W.* pg 4: "“Seriously, would it kill you to be direct?” I say." --Uh yeah. In fact, wouldn't the administrator just spit it out? I don't think he would stand for a kid getting beaten up on school campus. pg 5: “So what does this have to do with me?” --Shouldn't W be saying "Is he alright?" or "can I go see him?" pg 5: "I’ll make sure to keep that in mind for future assessments of boys to associate with.”" --uhhhh...thanks B. pg 6 "but I believe her." --I...don't? Why is no one going to check on N? Where is he? pg 6 “But they’re going to get suspended for this,” B says. “It’s a stupid decision.” --yeah, no. I don't believe a high school Popular Girl thinks like that. pg 7: "Then, after a second, she lets out a chuckle." --about N getting beat up? What is wrong with these people? pg 8: “Do you think… maybe, there’s a chance we could be friends again?" --Do not care about this now. I'm a lot more worried about N and wondering why none of his supposed friends are going to check on him, especially considering how empathic he is. pg 8: "I lost control and the polite mask fell off." --I don't think anyone talks like that. pg 9: "I… was curious how he cultivated that image.” --Again, not sure high school students talk like this. pg 10: "When B puts it all on the table, I don’t need to fear resentment hidden in the shadows." --the conversations in this chapter are exceedingly weird. pg 10: "N getting shoved to the ground, punched, kicked, and still not wanting to inflict that pain back." --this is yet another time where W should be finding out where he is and going to check on him. pg 11: “Which means he didn’t cheat on you.” --really don't care about this thread now. pg 12: “You’re making it hard for me to want to keep myself under my usual tight control when you take me seriously either way.” --really, who talks like this? pg 13: "Perhaps it’s time for me to stop making excuses and stand up for myself." --I feel like this whole chapter is focusing on the wrong person. pg 13: "N is at E’s place,” B says. “Should have led with that, I realize." --*facepalm* Why did no one ask this???

pg 1: "The movement and the rhythm speak to something deep down inside him, like scratching an itch he never noticed he had." --I still didn't ever understand what this was. pg 2: "Their argument does not reach a conclusion." --I'm not sure how necessary this aside is, as these weren't main characters and we know everything that's happened here. pg 3: Similarly with A. We know generally what happened to him. By the way, I was having trouble remembering what he gave up. I know he was stuck to his chair. pg 5: Ah, good. I was afraid we wouldn't find out what happened when they left. (Edit. See below. I wonder if it's better not knowing?) pg 8: "they see shoots of grass poking stubbornly out of the ground" --cool! pg 9: Hmmm...so the ending. Didn't V. fly for a week or so and not find anything? I was honestly expecting them to have to drive further to get outside the curse's influence. Three days of driving could be achieved by a provisioned person over a couple weeks, so I'm surprised someone from the town hasn't succeeded before. There's some mention of the town being timeless. Is this hinting at some sort of force the stove projects to stop airplanes from flying overhead or something? Otherwise I wonder how this little town hasn't been found or disturbed before now. Overall: I really enjoyed this story. I think it's quite unique, and with a little editing, can be a compelling story for kids and adults. Reading the epilogue, I wonder if it might just be better to end with the driving out of town? I don't think it really adds any information we didn't know except the radius of the curse, and I think that brings up more questions than it answers. We start getting into the intersection between "our world" and the world in this book, and I wonder if it might be better to leave that line blurry, in keeping with the mysterious nature of the rest of the book. If you do want some sort of epilogue, I think I'm more interested in where the stove and the ashen came from, rather than how far they are from another town, or where the curse ends. But that's just my opinion. We'll see what other people say. Great job, and congrats on getting the whole book through the forum!

I was engaged through most of this chapter, and to answer the third question, I think some of this can actually come sooner. Even though it's not "main plot" it is emotional development for the characters, which is important to a good story. I'm still generally annoyed by W, but gave a couple examples of places where you could spend a little more time exploring her way of thinking to give her character more sympathy. The second half of this chapter she does a lot better. I'm not sure what changed, but she seems to be acknowledging what she is feeling a lot better. E's development here is great, and explained very well. It helps shine some light on W's parents as well, and give his character arc some depth. Notes while reading: pg 2: “I don’t know. Whenever something doesn’t go well, I think it’s my fault.” “You know, that might be the most relatable you’ve been to me so far.” --It's nice to see N vulnerable and with issues as well. He's been portrayed as almost without fault the whole book. pg 3: “I… don’t do as well around other people’s parents as you do." -like, she runs screaming? Starts throwing punches? Unpacking things like this will go a long way to showing W's neurodiversity. pg 4: "I try to ignore any self-doubt in my mind about whether it’s playing the game with me that makes her excited, or if it’s seeing N again. I almost succeed." --This is another place to unpack. Why would she doubt affection from her own mother? Or why can't she be excited for both? pg 6: "But compared to the way B is prepared to see me as an enemy, any conflict between us was nothing in comparison" --between E and W? Unclear. Also, if so, that...pretty bad. I mean, E&B's relationship is messed up. pg 9: "And like that, we’re back to a normal, happy couple. Almost" --UGH. W, stop making drama! pg 14: “I mean, oh wow. I had no idea. I’m glad you’re trusting me with this-” --funny, but can N say this as he can't lie? The last half of this has some really good growth for all the characters, and W stops being quite so...W...for most of it.

Glad we get more into the magic stuff here. I have no problem with how it's presented. Nothing wrong with soft magic systems. In this case, the mechanics of the magic is not pertinent to the plot, so it doesn't really matter what type it is. As you said, there's probably a largish rewrite of the early chapters to get this moving earlier. Getting to a couple of these answers in maybe chapter 6 would go a long way to letting W and N have more meaningful discussion, and hopefully also stop some of W's worst tendencies. Honestly, W is really annoying me as a character. I love E and N however. I think delving into this and giving some reasons behind W's actions would go a long way to making her a more sympathetic character. If we see her reacting in a certain way and there's any sort of acknowledgement, rather than just W not engaging, that would help. The most frustrating part here is there are clear and easy opportunities for her to solve problems or at least address them, and she takes none of them. She's a smart character. She's faced with a willing person who literally can't lie and does nothing to find the truth of the situation. Have any sort of explanation for why she doesn't take those steps would be very helpful. I was really glad to see E pounding some sense into her, but right not all her solutions are forced on her by external sources. With just a little introspection, W can be a much more proactive character as well. Even if she can't apply the solutions, just seeing that some exist would help. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Which means I’m catching him off guard, and he’s breaking down under the pressure" --Looking forward to seeing N off-guard, and some of his flaws. pg 1: "Not much of it has value. At least with how practiced I am." --does this mean he's good at it but there's no value? Or that he hasn't practiced enough to use his magic? pg 2: "I should have seen this coming from a mile away" --er, yeah. This is one problem I have with the setup so far. W just plain asked him if he was human and he told her. Why is this only ocurring in ch 12? pg 2: "My boyfriend is a fairy" --Lol! (for all the double and triple meanings here) pg 3: "down the trial" --trail pg 3: "What was I supposed to say?" --hmmm...don't quite believe this part. Both that W just stands there and doesn't do anything, and that N just walks off after all this time spent chasing her. Doesn't seem consistent with his personality. pg 4: "But then I remember the flowers sprouting around his body, all at once like a time lapse, and I picture him dragging me into a world of forest magic where I’ll never be able to leave" --As a reason to be uncomfortable with someone, being good at music and being able to grow flowers is not really on my list. I think that's why I'm just not convinced. pg 4: "call me a bad person" --He didn't. He said N was better. Not that W was bad... pg 5: “Is there more to this than him being a fairy and a cop being on his trail?” --I feel like both these things need to come earlier in the story. pg 5: "Nobody cares about our conversation, W. In the grand scheme of things, we’re all boring people.” --Ah, I forgot how much I liked E. pg 6: Ha! I love the breakdown of not-quite homo sapiens. pg 6: “He can make powers that plants grow.” “So can I, with enough time.” --Exactly! pg 7: “I asked him if he was going to do it. He said no.” --good point, and something W maybe could have done earlier, or N could have suggested. pg 7: Er, at this point, with what W has done to N, and how E is questioning her, I've really lost all sympathy for W. I'd almost rather see a story about E and N getting together and having to avoid whatever's up with the cop, at least until W can pull her head out of her backside and act like a decent person. pg 8: "I shake my head. Is it really that easy?" --yeah, this. I'm getting pretty annoyed with W. "Here's an easy solution to your problem." "No, I refuse to do anything to help myself." pg 10: "Every time I talk to E I realize I hurt him more than I thought" --I think this might apply to many people W has met.

I think the other two covered the points I wanted to. I think this is really well written, and I think the cleaned-up version of this is going to be a great story! Setting up the mayor earlier to be the villain, or at least showing more of his manipulation of the town will seat this final showdown better. I actually really like the simplicity of his defeat here, showing T's can-do attitude still at work, through the fan. Moving GM more slowly from antagonist to part of the group will help her cooperating here not to seem so sudden. Very much looking forward to the epilogue, and if the crew finds anything outside the town It certainly seems like others could have made an attempt before now, with all the ashen items around. I'm wondering whether they will find anything. Eagerly waiting for next week! Notes while reading: pg 1: I'm wondering why they didn't just drive the plane away from the remains of the fire? Why leave it, now they have everyone together? Can't they pick E up on the way? pg 2: That toolbox might be the most important ashen thing I've seen. I wonder what all it can fix? pg 2: Wait, what happened to leaving in the airplane? I thought they were going to fly out of the town? pg 4: "even through her lack of people skills" --stating this seems a lot like "tell" instead of "show" pg 4: "Then they see it." --aha. I was waiting for something. Good tension building up to it. pg 8: "Bad guys are defeated by hitting them really hard" --best advice ever. pg 9: Well! Interested to see what comes of this!

First off, I really like the romance at the end of this chapter. It's sweet and awkward, and very enjoyable to read. Plus it's tying into the magical side of the plot, which helps to tie the characters to that side of the plot more. As the others have said, the first few pages just seem to be W being all moped and emotionally needy, which drags things down. I think even more of this can be cut in the next draft. I didn't have a problem with the overall length of the chapter, because the rest of it was very interesting. On the magic plot, yes, it's a bit too little too late. I like the way it comes out here, but something like the encounter with the police officer can happen in chapter 4 or 5, not 11. As @RedBlue says, It's odd that W hasn't asked any of these questions yet, especially considering N can't lie. She's smart, so I would think with the associations with iron, sweets, not lying, and a secret village, she'd be getting a strong fairy vibe. Looking forward to finding out some more about N! Notes while reading: pg 1: "That I should explain to him that I feel terrible and it’s not his fault and even his hugs can’t help me now." --Yes, lets stack more anxiety on N. Sometimes I just want to smack W. pg 3: "I’m playing a board game called Wingspan with my mom." --I love that game. (although @C_Vallion has a good point) pg 5: "I can see that they’re a coyote." --Odd pronoun. Usually animals are "its." Especially since the officer refers to the coyote as "he" pg 8: I'm glad to finally be getting some more hints of magic with N's village and the officer. Seems like that part of the plot has been a long time coming. pg 11: "“You don’t have to lie to me, N.” --he's already said he literally can't lie. pg 12-14: great romance scene! pg 15: also glad to end with some more movement into the magical part of the book.

I thought this must be close to the end! It's not boring, and it's nice to see things coming together. Using the ashen items helps them move around a lot. It might be better to at least sprinkle a few references to them nearer the beginning of the book so that using them doesn't feel quite so sudden. I was a little confused on why GM was being nice near the end. Just because she's given up? There's even a callout to how strange she's acting, so I'm wondering if there's another reason for it. I really loved all the items working together at the beginning, but it might need a little more description to place the TV and game console so they don't come out of nowhere. Looking forward to the ending! Notes while reading: pg 1: "Her gaze lands on the games console lying underneath the television" --I like how this is set up, but there might need to be more blocking on the game console suddenly being in the cockpit. It's a bit deus ex. pg 2: "T doesn’t care about any of that." --I'd argue T creating this way to control the plane requires the insight she gave up, but I'm willing to read along and see what happens. pg 3: "He’s so very, very glad he managed to get this all straightened out in his head" --Is it straightened out? He's just saying what's wrong with the town. pg 5: “Do you still have that old mini-van?” --interesting...

I enjoyed reading the D&D play, but I think it probably did go on too long. This may be one of those "kill your darlings" things, as I'm not sure how much it's going to add to the story. It was fun to read through a D&D play session and N is precious. I think that's what put me off W even more. Everyone is having a great time except W, because she's manufacturing drama again. So I think, since that's already a well established part of her character, this chapter doesn't add a whole lot and just made me get angry at her more... So...I enjoyed reading it, but not sure it's necessary. Notes while reading: pg 1: "she devotes an unholy amount of time to preparing the game" --a good DM! pg 1: “I don’t sweat, I sparkle,” --lol. I need one of those! pg 6: "but it doesn’t stop the pain from her joy relying on N instead of me" --Really? can't she just appreciate that everyone's having fun? This is the part of W's character I really don't think. She tries to create drama where there is none. pg 6: "I choose not to go with him because—hello—suspicious as hell" --okay, now W's just playing badly. The group always needs to stick together! pg 7: "but that doesn’t change how I feel." --yeah, I don't get W's deal here. pg 8: “Should I be worried about how quickly you left me to my stupid plan of getting ambushed and killed?” --yes.

Good twist at the end of this chapter, but I feel like this one is still lacking an arc just a little. GM's revenge seems to come out of nowhere. I don't remember any fascination with fire, but I could be misremembering. I guess this would come under #2, as GM isn't completely making sense to me. I feel like the story is losing some direction here, because we've switched between trying to escape, to V going to the ashen house, to Gm starting a fire here. Still a very interesting story, and I think the second editing pass will really bring this all together. notes while reading: pg 1: GM is starting to sound like a pyromaniac pg 2: "She has wanted this for years. This is her revenge." --She's wanted to burn down the workshops for years? Did we know this before? GM's part seems a little plotful, as I don't remember hearing about her pyromania. However, the E section has some good character building to it. I'm glad to see E finding some courage. pg 8: The "ashen things can't burn" revelation is a cool twist!

Thank you!

I agree with @C_Vallion for the most part on this. There weren't any boring parts, but I think it's taking too long with getting ready to leave, and it looks like they're not going to make it at this point. However, I also don't think V's decision really lands either. He's been mostly out of the story for the past 8-10 chapters and there's not enough development for him to reject the call to adventure. He tells us he's conflicted in this chapter, but up until now, he's been upbeat about what he's doing. Showing him realize that he's a product of the stove, and that his drive to be a hero is all fabricated would go a long way to rationalizing this decision. Interested to see what happens now that it's just C, T and the grandfather. I'm wondering how they get E and GM back! Overall, I'm still greatly enjoying the story. A second pass with some editing for flow will really get it close to perfection! Only one note while reading: pg 3: "V switches back to his human-like form" --Is this an instantaneous thing? Did we ever get a description of it?

*arm flail*