Mandamon

I agree this was a strong submission! Nothing really jumped out, though the middle could probably be edited down a bit. 1) Definitely better. I'm still not sure it needs as much conversation about homework as it has, but talking about friends and acquaintances is good. 2) Not really. A little slow in the middle in MD's POV, but this pulled me along with the questions it asked. 3) About right, but I'm not sure how necessary it is, and whether MD is actually sentient. It might bring up more questions that it answers. 4) I thought this was a really good exchange. I'm also wondering if C just forgot, or if there's something larger with the curse not wanting her to find out. Notes while reading pg 1: “Proximity equals friendship?” --An interesting mistake people make. pg 2: "in activating a curse" --still not clear on this. I thought it was more or less permanent? pg 2: "creating a creature" --is it one or two creatures? Does V count? pg 4: "But there are also four tiny beds" --this room is very disturbing. pg 8: "I know, now, what kind of things are burned in the Wood Stove" --interesting

I'm in agreement with the other that the beginning needs to be trimmed down a bit. The whole thing about where to sit at lunch didn't really hold my interest. I'm also liking N a lot more after this, and liking W a lot less. W seems to be creating problems, like @kais says. The romance reads pretty well, aside from a few strange things I noted below. N is definitely sweet and I'm glad W finally goes with him. So overall, good chapter, but I think it can be cut down quite a bit. Notes while reading: pg 1: "It’s sad to think of him growing up without me..." --something weird going on in this sentence. pg 1/2: This goes on a bit with deciding about where to sit. It's not really drawing me in because it's an extension of the stuff from last chapter. I'm ready to get on to new stuff. pg 3: "peer tutoring period" --did we know about this before? pg 5: "I don’t know why that surprises me so much. He did spend a lot of time on that poster." --yeah, I thought that was pretty obvious and not surprising at all. pg 5: “That you didn’t ask anyone else out.” --do people generally ask a lot of different people to a dance? I feel pretty disconnected from high school, so maybe that's a thing. pg 6: "There are literally over a thousand people at this school and he doesn’t want to dance with anyone except me?" --Isn't that specifically what dating is about? Choosing a particular person? pg 7: "They’re both assertively understanding in a way that makes me feel inferior and guilty," --ugh. This actually makes me dislike W even more. pg 7: "You people say things that aren’t true. I always forget.” --A nice clue in the mystery of N. pg 8: "All this social maneuvering is exhausting." --N has been doing the least social maneuvering of anyone. pg 9: "being unable to experience romance or attraction" --is this the right way to say this? I'm not sure, as I don't have experience with this. "Unable" just seems rather final. pg 11: "I feel bad for being the one to kick it off" --I am not mostly convinced these are all pretty terrible people except for N. pg 14: “Glitter is gendered like that?" --Lol. I'm really wondering what he's doing will all this glitter now.

I thought this was very enjoyable! Glad you're back to writing. The only small quibble with this is we don't get to see any of the previous main characters' reactions to O learning about the events of the last trilogy. I can't think of a good way to get around that without upending the plot, so I don't think it's too big a thing. And I assume we'll get some of it whenever O does find Ard again. Notes while reading: pg 2: "She needed to call Ard" --I think a lot of WRS going on, but did she have the coordinates for Ard? Also, she seems strangely okay with calling a god-planet she didn't know was real until a few hours ago. pg 3: "our species do not tie pronouns to roles so you may use whichever you feel most comfortable with for me." --I like it. pg 5: so here's the freakout about calling. Maybe it's that she was on drugs so not realizing it before, but it seems like she would have some of these nerves beforehand as well. pg 7: "everything got sorted when..." --Lol. I guess O's going to get the rundown of the last three books real quick... pg 8: "to rescue a woman who..." --I've been waiting for this connection in the book. I'm guessing this is where things can really start happening. I was thinking O would find A face to face, but this way I guess they can have a meeting more on even ground. pg 8: "making it look like she was trying to poke O in the eye" --lol pg 12: "The call disconnected." --I think you could remove either this line or the one before it. Right now it's repetitive, which takes away from the impact. --I like that O gets to go through all the stages of realization here. It's fun to see and gets her on the same page as everyone from the last book. I'm sort of still sorry to miss her getting told this directly by A, but I guess it would be hard to have that happen.

1) I was engaged through the first part of the chapter, when we were learning more about how the town worked, not as much the second part with GM scheming and the talk about getting good grades. 2) I marked a few confusing things in my notes. 3) She's a bit over the top, but I have seen other characters like this before. I think the best thing is to give her a really solid motivation. "I'm not first" can be one, but maybe give it a little depth. Why is she such a brat? Her mother seems to think she is too, and doesn't seem to be pampering her that much. Notes while reading: pg 1: “You know that’s not a dog, right?” --a little confusing here because the comment is directed at V for comedy, but the dog isn't stated as being in the room. pg 1: "opens the door to storage" --in fact we don't even know if the dog is with them, from the description. It isn't trotting along beside them or anything. pg 1: "chaotic array" "The room looks normal to her." --Also confusing. This is mostly in C's POV, so to say the room is chaotic, and then say she can't tell why someone would think it's disorganized is counter intuitive. pg 2: "Regular pantries can’t make all the food by themselves." --so I guess this is where they get their food from? pg 2: "When they get back home" --oh, so the dog WASN'T with them after all... pg 3: "looks worse than she did on Friday" --worse how? Maybe it's WRS, but was something stated to be wrong with her before? pg 4: "How does the magic work?" --Why is she asking this of another child and not any adult? pg 5: "Something else died, too, but that memory has become a bit fuzzy." --interesting pg 5: "you’re worried about your chickens?" --but she just asked if C had made a sacrifice? pg 6: “You said none of the other kids had been told!" --Yet as we all know, C LIVES with it. I don't know how she couldn't know. GM seems to have a lack of critical thinking. pg 6: "wondering how long it will take to lose herself." --sounds like the wood stove eats memories, or something. Which begs the question, why these people are feeding it? pg 10: I'm not really hooked by the thread of "do lots of homework to learn the secrets." Sounds like the story is going off on a tangent and away from the mystery.

I think I'm similar to @RedBlue in reaction. There was a lot of meandering overall and it was hard to follow what exactly was going on. The original statement of how N was going to die was in the first paragraph, but then not followed up on until the very last page, so I got a bit confused. 1) Seemed fairly standard fantasy fare? I didn't get a strong feeling of an Earth similarity. I can think of a lot of ways crystals in a hand could get in the way, so I'd like some more explanation of that. 2) I'm not sure why this is a prologue (as in how is in this disconnected with the main story). I think it could be a first chapter if it was cleaned up and trimmed down a lot. 3) Didn't get a lot about the other characters except that S is strong. N seems very philosophical. S is interesting physically, but he didn't really get much screen time. 4) No idea what's going on, so no. 5) I'm guessing N is going to end up living, probably because of floaty red girl. Past that, I guess political/royalty/scheming? Notes while reading: pg 1: I think the first paragraph could be trimmed down. We get the "overthinking" of the prince, but I think it detracts from the impact of "am I going to die today." pg 1: the rest of this page is lots of names and some sort of magic explanation paired with a spying attempt? I was interested when he thought he was going to die, but then this drifted off into a lot of explanation. pg 2: "both of their half-brothers" --still lots of names on this page and I'm having trouble following. Also, who is a half-brother to who? pg 2: “Nothing, nothing,” --this isn't an answer to the last question... pg 3: "needing to read it with his telepath powers" --what now? This is just thrown in there and we haven't gotten any indication of it yet. pg 3: "Most were nobles with psychic crystals like himself" --I thought the spy had a crystal, not him? Confused. pg 4: the heritage/skin color discussion here might be a little heavy-handed. pg 4: "his eyes went to the green empath crystal " --so I guess everyone had crystals? Does Z? I'm unclear on this. pg 6: "almost got lost in the aesthetic beauty of the orange flecks on pink irises." --Is this like a romantic thing? I thought N was more ace? And isn't S his brother? pg 6: "N’s choice was going to be the same in the end" --I'm not sure what choice this is... --oh, I guess to let his brother kill him? What was going on with the red angel then?

1) Yes, for this part. I think the reaction with the chickens/dog is pretty accurate for the town's situation. 2) I don't think this chapter needs to be as long. V's whole POV doesn't really add anything that he couldn't mention to C in dialogue, and the whole discussion about the chickens can be taken out if we assume this is a farm family and of course they know how to prepare chickens. 3) Yes, definitely getting a better idea of the wood stove. I'm still not sure why, as in, is this a resource to renew items for the town since they're cut off from the rest of civilization, or is it something else? I assume we'll get more on this later. Notes while reading: pg 1: "too much trouble to roll outside" --this makes me think the father is literally round, like a human sphere. I'm still confused by this. pg 1: "that was so easy for another animal to get into." --ah, no. It's specifically not easy for the dog to get into the hen house. He had to squirm under the fence and break in, which means he's likely starved for attention and possibly just starved. This is completely the fault of the negligent neighbor and furthermore he should be responsible for the lost revenue from the chickens. I get the feeling this is not a rich town, and there's no supply from elsewhere because of the curse, so for the dog to kill all their chickens is a Big Thing. --edit: okay, the adults do get into this later, but C should know this as well. She seems like an astute person. pg 3: "No chickens, no dog. Now you boys can leave off your whingeing.” --okay, well, this is actually about what I would expect as a response. Harsh but accurate. pg 4: "never been in charge of younger children" --Is V older? How much? I hadn't gotten that before. pg 4: not sure this section with V really adds much pg 5: "I’ll show you how to pluck and process the chickens." --nope, don't believe that. If C is a farm girl, she knows how to do this already. In fact, the whole family should already be preparing for chicken dishes for the next couple weeks. --and as a corollary, I don't think we need the details of how to process chickens. pg 6: "Things you wouldn’t normally use as fuel, to see if it does anything unusual. I want to see what happens." --I think this is the first real progression I've seen from C. pg 7: "By the time she is done, C feels a lot better." --I have no idea what just happened. pg 8: "It falls into the Wood Stove, and is swallowed up by the nothingness" --cool pg 9: “Mopdog,” --Also cool. I can see how this comes from the combinations of the items put into the stove and the events that caused it.

This is definitely better than last time, and I like that C is more active. That said, I'm still not completely hooked on the story. There is a lot of mystery, but my main issue is that I don't know why C is doing this now. The kids have all lived in the town their whole lives, so what is different? Why is C suddenly suspicious? I think this would help as well to connect to C, as it will give her some motivation. Right now she's sort of drifting through the action, but doesn't have a set reason for her goal of "activating" the curse. Notes while reading: pg 1: Oh yeah...I'd forgotten the town and the girl are both named C. pg 1: "She steps over the line." --I think last time she specifically didn't step over the line, right? This is a good change if so, and gives her a little more agency. --but then the tension drops a bit because it's revealed that they've done this many times. Was she expecting something different? pg 1: “It’s fine!” --Which also makes me question this. Is there a reason they think this time is different? pg 3: “You can do it!” --so what have they done the other many times they've come out here? Have none of the kids ever climbed any of the trees? pg 4: “So, if nothing happens, that proves there isn’t a curse?” --yeah, I'm with T on this one, but they are kids... pg 4: "even at the highest point she could reach." --which...isn't far. pg 5: "whether the curse is real." --Again, if they've known about this their whole lives, I'd like something to tell why this situation is different. pg 7: "all of this might sound like she is making it up" --This makes a lot more sense if she's writing about V and then he appears in town. pg 7: "C likes to give G-M the benefit of the doubt" --this still reads like C is just daft. pg 8: "Chuck is in the kitchen" --this is weird because not only is C referring to her father by first name, but then starts using his nickname. pg 8: "or ask strange questions" --Asking about a wood stove's accepted magical powers is considered a strange question? pg 9: "He is a massive, living cue ball" --I still can't tell is this is metaphor or literal, also, the father's name keeps switching from full name to nickname

In the future, it would be easier on the reader to just combine separate sections into one document. I had to figure out which order to read them in, and I wasn't really sure why the timeline was included. Like @RedBlue, I did not get this at all. When they said they hadn't seen seven darknesses, I assumed that was some sort of multi-year event and they were getting close to their twenties. I don't think they acted five at all. Someone five years old doesn't have the cognition to barter against a death sentence, and for that matter, what is the council doing sentencing children to hanging? I'm also not quite sure what they're charged with. Are they saying they're going to hang children because their father killed people and escaped? That just seems cruel. Overall, I think The Last Day was overly cryptic and it didn't do anything for me. By the time I got back to reading something it affected, I would likely have forgotten about it. For that matter, I'm not sure we need to see the knight's escape. We're told the "bad" part, that the twin's father and friend were responsible for slaughtering forty guards. I think this is lessened by seeing that six knights can't overpower two guards. How did they slaughter forty? The last part caught my interest a lot more because we have two protagonists in immediate danger. As above, I don't think their ages track, but assuming they were older, fending off a hanging and going into exile to track and kill their father is a pretty good hook. I think maybe just keeping this part and expanding on the twin's emotions and how they plan to deal with exile (and what that means for them) will make this much more engaging. Notes while reading: The Last Day: --sort of getting Superman vibes with the son getting sent away from a dying land. pg 2: --yeah, not really sure what happened, however. I guess a goddess sent a guy somewhere? Did he kill her with the sword or not? 59th Winter pg 2: "for them to be this dense." --they are acting pretty dense, if they're leaving a bunch of knights unguarded. Seems plotful. pg 2: "Even with their superior numbers, they were unlikely to give the guard much trouble." --Also hard to believe. We saw someone's bruised face and someone else with a broken arm. But six people trained as knights can't take out two guards? pg 3: "He had decided to expedite the process, it seemed." --maybe a little more emotion from seeing one of his fellow knights die? pg 3: "T hopped from the platform and melted into the crowded streets..." --wait, isn't he going to free the other knights? I thought they were in chains so they couldn't attack the guards? 60th Winter pg 1: "hid her face...vain attempt to hide" --repetition pg 1: are any of these people the same ones as the last chapter? There are a lot of names being introduced. pg 2: "they had slaughtered" --the siblings or the knights? pg 2: Oooooh...the father was one of the knights. Took me a bit to figure that out. Is this what the knights were arrested for, or was that something else? pg 3: "many Talents between the two of them.” --so, doesn't that make them more dangerous to the councilmembers rather than more useful? They already think the siblings will turn traitor. pg 4: "They had avoided hanging" --not sold on this as a last sentence. It's the conclusion of the immediate event, but the reader is more curious about the rest of the story. Where will our heroes go from here? I'd like some hint about their feelings of being exiled.

I've been looking forward to reading this! Overall, this is a much more impressive start. I'd definitely keep reading, because it does set up the tension between TBK, the cowed city, and the revolutionaries pretty well. That said, I'd still like to see even more stakes with what TBK has done. Especially with the argument about him vs. the old government, it's starting to fall into that same trap of, "it's the same thing they've dealt with for all their life." How is TBK more restrictive than the old king? How is he definitely worse? So Goals, Obstacles, and Tactics are clear, but I think it could still have higher Stakes. As to reader promises, from here, it's definitely setting up the revolutionaries vs. TBK. If I was going in blind, I'd say the restaurant would be a place for spying or other clandestine stuff to happen later in the story....but that's probably not the case! pg 1: "just loud enough to be heard over the fragrant garlic." --the intro to this is good and kept my attention. This is the first thing that drew me out a bit, just because you're mixing sound and smell in one line. Maybe "heard over the sizzling of the fragrant garlic." pg 2: “You burn my garlic, I’ll have your head,” --even joking, would she say this to a mentor? pg 3: "was at less than a third of its capacity" --good showing the effect of the war. pg 3: A bit of an infodump, but this is a concise explanation of the types of creatures, and it's related to the current scene. pg 4: "They had all survived the war" --sort of self evident. I think the important part is the next part of the sentence. pg 5: "keep the restaurant and her family alive." --With Ir being the last to leave and thinking about the future of the restaurant, this seems more like she runs it than C, but I don't think that's the case. pg 5: "conquered her country Pem" --glad to have this definition up front! I'd maybe say "the country of Pem...capital city, B, where she lived," just to make it a little clearer. pg 6: "region of Th" --still unclear on this one. I get the city, and different countries, but what is the "region?" Like a major land mass? A continent? It seems like there are countries in a region, where I'd think that is the other way around, like the Tuscany region of the country of Italy. pg 8: "could be just as bad as..." --I think this comparison needs to be the other way around. The council and the old king could be just as bad as the new reign... pg 8: "decide that they have the authority to search our homes whenever they want" --So was the council an interim measure between the monarchy and BK? Because searching houses and taxing people for no reason is pretty normal under a monarchy, so this shouldn't be a big change unless the council started more democratic practices. pg 10: Much better setup with the revolutionaries, and the parents have a good counter for letting the BK rule. Although S just spitting out the news is a little sudden. pg 11: Foreshadowing!! pg 11: "“No,” Ir said." --Maybe a slightly different response? Right now she's saying "no" to "be brave for once" so something a little more nuanced would seem like Ir isn't branding herself a coward.

I think the second half of this chapter has some good interactions in it between E and W, but you could probably cut the first half, as well as going to the beach in general. I don't see that it's particularly relevant to anything. Half the time I'm confused by the character's interactions between each other, but maybe that's because I'm not a teenager. It seems like everyone says one other person is a terrible person, but then W can talk to them for 5 minutes and they just have some issues they're getting over. I'm also not at all sure what's going on with B. If it turns out to relevant to the plot, fine, but I'm not yet sure what she adds to the story. This. I was having trouble figuring out what was bugging me about this interaction, but @shatteredsmooth nailed it. I made a note below that it was fairly obvious N didn't cheat, so I don't know why E needs to defend himself so much with B. For that matter, what they whole deal with him is. My main frustration here is that there are even more questions raised with no explanation, but at least we do get a hint of why the magical flower is important. Notes while reading: pg 1: I think you could cut most of this back and forth. It doesn't add anything. Maybe start with the cars pulling up? pg 2: "On the drive, none of us talk with each other" --how long is this drive?? I mean, I'd personally be reading a book, but I can't imagine a car full of "cool kids" not talking with each other. pg 3: Nothing has really happened yet...I don't care about B except to hate her immediately and until W wanting to talk to E, I don't think there's anything that's moving this story along. pg 4: I don't think we need a long explanation for how E figured out W's mom has cancer. pg 5/6: this whole interaction is very weird for teenagers. pg 7: “Sorry, I think I misread a situation,” --I have no idea where all this is going. Why all this mystery over E? pg 8: "so I don’t need to watch over her" --did he need to watch over her for some reason? pg 9: "He’s looking for magic.” --well, that's the first interesting thing this chapter! pg 10: "I feel my eyes go wide." --this is all still making my feel sympathetic for E and like W is a big jerk. pg 11: "Even if he did maybe cheat on B." --It seems pretty clear he didn't? pg 13: “Dating B wasn’t my initiative,” he says, “Or my choice.” --what is with this guy? Like he's being blackmailed for regular teen activities? pg 14: "He couldn’t muster up feelings of romance or attraction for me," --I mean, sounds like he's just aromantic... pg 15: "I have to move forward." --I think the discussion with E and W is good, but it's sort of frustrating because we don't find anything out, expect his grandfather might be tied into the deal with the flower that we still don't know anything about. E and W sort of make up? But I think that discussion could have easily taken place at the school. I don't know if this beach trip adds anything.

I wasn't very engaged with this chapter. After the last two, floating through this world behind C, I was hoping to get some answers, or at least a little explanation. Instead we're off on a tangent with a chapter we haven't seen much of, with something seemingly unrelated to the main story line. First it was the stove, then the earrings, then V, now this airplane. I feel like I need some stability to figure out what this story is doing. To your questions: 1) Not particularly, because I have no idea what's going on, and no one seems to react to impossible occurrences other than with a shrug. T actually remarks that things seem strange and then nothing really happens from it. The ending is a bit abrupt, so maybe we find out more after this? 2) I think the tone is consistent with the first two chapters, but it's still very distant and disconnected from C and T. Notes while reading pg 2: "the edges of his body blurring and mingling with his armchair." --like, for real? I'm honestly not sure what is metaphor and what is real in this story. pg 3: "since before" --since before what? pg 3: "Leaves were much bigger, back then.” --this seems random... pg 3: "that C is beginning to experience?" --I thought they were all under the curse already? pg 4: "A hulking, ominous shape looming in the darkness" --does he mean he saw something in the barn, or the barn itself is ominous and looming? pg 5: "There can only be one explanation: the forces of evil are converging.” --I don't think V has a very firm grasp on cause and effect... pg 5: "But it couldn’t have flown in from outside!" --wasn't it already stated that there was a time when the curse wasn't around? Would this have been from then? pg 5: "And if the curse came for A..." --Have we seen any evidence of the curse "coming for" someone? I thought it was just sort of generally over the town? pg 7: "She’s a different kind of person than we are" --this all seems very vague and prophetic, but I don't think we have any clear idea of what this story is about. pg 7: "there’s V, an impossible person," --yet no one comments on this? Why not? pg 8: "she surmises that it isn’t" --Eh? What? Why? --I know this doesn't have chapter breaks, but this whole section with T seemed almost dreamlike, and disconnected from the rest of the story.

I'm with the others on the answers to your questions. I'm definitely here for the over the top steampunk fights, so fine on that front, but the fight did go on a bit long. You could probably take out one of the "cool moves" and save it for a later fight. Some of the blocking was confusing as well. I've made notes below. As to characterizations, I think we get quite a bit on the captain, so much that I think this chapter should be in his POV. It's his ship at stake. All C does is think really hard and not talk to anyone, and it makes his character very passive this chapter. We don't really learn anything about him because all he's doing is noting the strategy used. There's still some weird talking-down-to-females as well, even if it's the machine spirit. If they've been in these sorts of fights before, I'd assume she and the captain have a standard reporting procedure on casualties. In all, still enjoying this, but I agree, it's time to get to actual plot. Notes while reading pg 1: “No. I do not partake of tobacco.” --I vaguely remember this from last week, but starting a chapter in the middle of a conversation is a bit hard to follow. pg 1: Who's POV is this in? It's following the captain, but doesn't seem to be in his POV. pg 2: "C asked, interrupting." --this makes it sound like this is in C's POV, but he wasn't even mentioned until the second page. pg 2/3: "“The one who is performing a petty attempt at bravado is not us and the ones who are refraining from slaughter are not your men." --eh, this is a big long and bombastic and comes across as sort of limp, rather than being a good return quip. pg 3: "But, now that I have and you’ve given the all-clear signal, we’ll have enough time.” --is...is the captain monologuing? pg 4: "repel boarders!” --but don't they want to keep them there? I thought that was the whole point so the other ships wouldn't fire? pg 4: "C knew that..." --okay, I think this is still in C's POV, but he's only mentioned once every couple pages, so it makes for a strange sort of half omniscient perspective. pg 5: "crippling it for the fight and turning back towards the fight." --repetition. pg 5: "One of the exploding shells hit an engine," --I think this explanation should be before the "ship explodey" part. pg 7: "blade extended, the blade extending" --also, has he taken a page from RWBY? Also also, why kill the captain if they were going to use him as a hostage? pg 7: "C realized. And with B’s death, we have nothing to discourage them from raking us with fire until the ship is shot from the sky." --exactly what I was saying above. Also, C is very passive this chapter. pg 8: "have only been a few minutes" --certainly seconds, not minutes. I think in less than a minute they'd be a smudge on the ground. pg 8: "as the two warriors traded a message that didn’t need to be spoken out loud." --unneeded because this was shown the sentence before. pg 8: "back to the backsword" --?? pg 11: "flicked his wrist to dump the burning tobacco off his pipe down into the coal dust cloud below." --I do admire the captain's chutzpah. pg 12: There are paragraphs of thinky bits from C in this chapter, and I wonder if it would be more engaging if he spoke with someone instead. pg 13: yet more situational explanation with the thinky bits. This would be better shown than told, or at least in conversation. pg 14: "precisely 250 feet of rope" "Physics took over" --I think something is a little off here. They'd need more than 250 feet of rope to snare the bridge before the rope pulled taut, and then when "physics took over" I was imagining the ropes tearing sections out of the ship and the ship flying up in the air in response. Unless this ship is a LOT bigger and heavier than a steel bridge, which I doubt. Might need some more blocking outlining in this section. pg 15: "Mercenaries get paid up front. Salvagers get paid upon delivery" --lol pg 16: "blinked at the indifference" --also, she's giving an efficient report. I'd expect a well-trained officer would do the same. pg 16: "be more sympathetic to human injuries" --why? stitches and a splint are very minor injuries. I don't think there's much empathy that needs to be displayed here, unless the injured men are within hearing distance and complaining about minor injuries from killing three ships. Also, the captain himself put his men in a lot of danger without telling them of the risky moves he was executing before doing so. pg 16: "right torso" --is there a left and right torso?? pg 17: "fused metal screeching and tearing apart" --that's going to be problematic. Either his armor is scrapped, or if it's part of his body, it's a significant injury. pg 18: "Not if it’s an airship. But a Knight, and a hidden one at that?" --confused. So is he saying (thinking) that they shot a knight in the city instead of a ship? How would that work if Ir already figured out the trajectory? Also, more thinky bits here, but then he says them a few paragraphs later. I'd rather he engaged with the other characters more.

First off, I do want to say that I am enjoying reading this, even if I am picking it apart. You have an engaging writing style, and I think that's what's keeping my interest at the moment. The pacing is fine, but for the other two questions, see below. This is my biggest complaint so far. The first chapter was eerie and creepy, and now we have talking plant kids and bowling ball fathers and spontaneously generated diamonds that no one seems to care about. I don't understand whether this is supposed to be nonsensical, or creepy, or somewhere in the middle, but I'm having trouble staying with the story. I was thinking it was going to be a creepy cursed town thing with the wood stove in the first chapter, but this one makes me think of more a kid's adventure where nothing really has to make sense. Also agree with this. For me, it's not only that C is trusting, but that no one questions anything odd that happens. We have the setup from the beginning that the townspeople are aware that something is odd with the town, and the grownups either know and aren't saying, or don't know. This chapter it seems more that no one is even reacting to any of the strange occurrences, or treating them like they're no different from other happenings. So overall, I thought I had an idea where this was going last chapter, but now I have no idea. I'm interested to keep reading, but someone's going to have to react, or emote, or explain something soon or I'm going to become even more disconnected from the story. Notes while reading: pg 1: "She wouldn’t know a real diamond from a magical one." --or from cubic zirconia or even costume jewelry, presumably, which is much more likely what a child would wear. pg 2: "and strange in the sense that his skin is a delicate shade of green" --I'd think the boy being not human would come before "I don't know this kid." pg 3: "And yet, V stands before her." --Sorry, I'm still wondering if C would be more like "wow, a talking vine person" that wondering about V being a stranger. pg 3: "S and I have been expecting him for quite some time" --okay...definitely weird. pg 4: "If something unnatural is happening in town, C would probably think it normal." --This gets into a big meta topic that I was thinking about with the last submission. If the locals are so isolated, how do they know what's natural and what isn't? I wonder about calling attention to it, because it sort of picks the story apart, but then again, that seems like that might be a theme...I'll keep it in mind as I keep reading. --Re. not knowing what is normal: that seems to fit in V being accepted so easily as a plant person. pg 5: "and promptly turns himself into a green raven" --*blinks* Okaaay. Well this is continuing to be weird. pg 6: "latent Chosen One abilities" --I was sensing a bit of a Chosen One vibe around him. pg 6: "Because you can turn into a raven?” --what does that have to do with his name? pg 6: "and the whispers stop immediately." --the whispers about how she has a parrot on her shoulder?? pg 7: “Oh – in that case, it looks like they’ll remain a mystery" --this might be what's bugging me. There's no emotional reaction from anyone over anything. Some of it may be deliberate for the story setting, but it's like nothing strange garners any reaction at all. pg 8: “Stuff! Plus oxygen! Goes to! Stuff oxide! Plus carbon dioxide! Plus! Anyone?” --I'll be honest, my eye twitched at this. --also, pre-teens are learning chemical reactions? pg 9: "says they’re hers, but I don’t recognise them." --another weird thing. People comment on the fact that they don't know who the earrings belong to, not that earrings were presumably created from nothing in a wood stove...

Another fun read! I think we all have really the same comments on this though. More flower plot! For me, I still found N kind of creepy at first, but after the dorky invitation to the dance, I like him a lot more than W. As with the others, I have little interest in A and her politics and the beach trip. I'd love it if W somehow chose to go to the dance with N, just as a "let's see." I also am really wondering why W doesn't just ask A about what happened with the breakup. It sounds more and more like N is innocent, or at least uninformed, and at that point, I'd want to find out the truth, especially when W has both parties alone and can ask questions to find out the truth. As always, the writing style is very engaging, and I like the general prose, but I think a little fine-tuning on plot will really make this shine. pg 1: "but he never had anything to move on from" --that seems...unfair. Probably in character for W, but unfair. pg 1: "Seeing him uninterested in me quashes the tiny part of me that still loved him." --still sort of have an issue with this whole thing, like E obviously cares deeply at the very least as a friend, so this makes W very unsympathetic. pg 2: "and in a loving platonic relationship on top of that" --this part especially seems to go against W's relationship with E. She has a perfect example of different types of relationships, but seems not to realize it in relation to herself. pg 3: "The fact that this comes after asking about the flower can’t be a coincidence." --N is still as creepy as heck, and I'm sort of surprised how easily W agrees to him.--okay, there's an explanation for it right after that... pg 4: "There has to be more to this" --is W aware of any supernatural or Fey stuff? If so, you could make this a bit more specific. pg 5: “Yeah, sorry I made you wait so long,” --I thought he got there exactly on time? pg 6: annnd now I'm more sympathetic to N. Lol. Mainly because of W's actions. pg 7: "No, it’s not them with the health thing." --isn't it? pg 7: "Acting super eager to make her happy until the day he betrayed her.” --can W not just ask A about what happened? Especially in the face of conflicting evidence...

Welcome to Reading Excuses and congrats on your first submission! Putting your writing out there for critique is always hard. As usual, I'll agree with @kais on most things. You can already see me starting to gripe about a lack of a solid arc below. ;-) I think for YA and MG, you definitely need a solid start/stop to sections, whether that's chapters or just an ellipsis, to bring each little arc to a close. The writing is good, and creepy, but I'm put off a little by the inactiveness of the MC. She mostly just observes things and wonders why they're strange, when I assume she's lived here her whole life. I was also expecting a little more with playing in the cursed zone, but then nothing happened. 1) She seems sort of dense, making note of obvious things and things that seem out of place, but she doesn't provide any conclusions, or take any action on things. 2) Definitely creepy. I think this has the most potential for the story. 3) Right now, not really. I might get to the end of the this section and see if anything exciting happens in the next few pages. If not, I'd probably put it down. Right now, there's a lot of "this is a creepy description," but then no followup. If we got a little progression on the cursed zone or G.M.'s antics, or the wood stove weirdness, then that would help. Having all three set up at once leaves me thinking there's too much going on right at the start. A good start, though! Notes while reading: pg 1: Catchy first line and paragraph. (Edit: I agree with the others that the first line can be trimmed by removing "the boundary of" or "the town of") pg 1: "told the four children" --as in, there are ONLY four children in the town? pg 3: "School won’t start without them, because they are the only four who attend" --okay, I was wondering about this. In this case, I'd imagine whoever is teaching them would come out to find them. pg 4: The tension is starting to diminish here a bit. At this point, I want to find out a little more about what's going on. pg 6: Sort of confused as to what's going on with the story. I don't have a clear picture of where it's going yet. pg 7: "It is difficult for C. to tell..." --I think it's fairly obvious from the context what G.M. is doing, so I'm wondering what this says about C's grasp of the obvious... pg 8: lots of description here, but nothing that's really furthering the story. pg 12: ok, so....is this horror? I'm not quite sure what just happened. There's a vaguely threatening Wood Stove, and a seemingly oblivious protagonist where things are changing all around her and...I'm not sure where this is going yet.

Overall, this is still very intriguing. I like the story, and the steampunk setting. I had some problems with some plot incidentals in this one (see notes below) and how C's character is evolving, much like Kais says. There's bits of backstory, but nor really enough to catch my interest or make sense, and it really just makes things more confusing at this point. It seems like C's disgrace might be connected to his mentor running off? But I'm not sure. I'll second this. I forgot to comment below, but at the end, the captain has to tell her how to be a doctor and treat incoming wounded at the end. I would think she would know that. Also, the "I don't want to offend you" dynamic with her is really weird, when C doesn't seem offended at all. Tagging @Robinski for this one, since he is Scottish... Thirding this. I think everyone has said it in comments and it seems strange to just leave all this behind. I am familiar with Arthurian legend, especially to the point where most of it was made up in the late renaissance, so I'd be a bit careful about being "true" to history with it. You can TOTALLY do something about this. This is a retelling of Arthurian myth with steampunk airships, guns, and mechs. You can make ALL the knights female if you want. Make the names female variants if you want. Make the old king a queen and the ursurper a male. You can switch all of this around if you want to do it. So no, there is no barrier to you having effective and competent, strong female characters in this story. If Hamlet can be turned into a Disney movie with talking lions, you can write more female Arthurian characters. This is an extremely dated view of current SFF trends and will likely lose you readers, if this goes on to get published (and I do think this story has great potential to it). So I would really have a think about HOW you want to retell an Arthurian narrative and what things need to mixed up for modern audiences. For example, I've been seeing "Legendborn" pop up a lot recently, which is a YA Arthurian-based fantasy with a black, female, southern US lead: https://www.amazon.com/Legendborn-Tracy-Deonn-ebook/dp/B084GB4YZQ Anyway, I can go on about that for a while, but I'm happy to help you out with worlbuilding/characters if you need some tips on having a more balanced cast. Notes while reading: pg 2: Well, Sa is suitably mysterious. It's close to being over the top, but not quite. pg 3: "It took a second for C to realize the machine spirit was addressing him" --except she specifically called his name. Why didn't he recognize that? pg 4: “Normally we’d lower this thing a little faster" --I mean, yes, it's hist first time riding in the crane, but is it really that unknowable? It's easy to see how the contraption works, and C knows what it's supposed to do. Is he scared of heights? Fast movement? I'm unsure why he's having this reaction. pg 5: "letting the stillness chase away his motion sickness" --Ah, I guess this is the reason he was having trouble? But didn't he come from driving a giant mech thingy? Why is he having trouble with a moving basket? pg 6: "“I keep trying to make you feel comfortable...You seem to have a very different culture " --I haven't really seen much of a difference in culture, nor have I seen S making C uncomfortable. This might need to be drawn out more if it's a thing. --S also goes on a bit when C says there isn't a problem. Is she trying to prove something? pg 7: "you’re a little too foreign to me right now.” --I don't see this. Maybe if C made some comparison with northern/southern culture as to why he thinks they're foreign? pg 9: “Oh, it’s an elevator!” --so is this something where C knows it as a different term? Why didn't he just say it was an elevator? pg 12: “-it’s entirely my fault,” I feel like this whole thread isn't strong enough. We get some good explanation for C's mentor leaving, but I don't know enough about what an Explorer does or how he was disgraced to see that it was/wasn't his fault. This section seems like it's equating his mentor hooking up with this lady to him being disgraced, but I don't think that's in. --Also, why are they just leaving all the maps there? Aren't they worth a lot? Is someone else coming for them? pg 13: “I mean, it’s not like there’s going to be anyone else who’s going to be coming, right?” “I don’t see why not. But just one map, alright?” --Yeah, I don't believe that for a second. If no one else is coming, I'd be taking ALL the maps. and why just one? Is there some reason C doesn't want them taken? This is really useful information they're just leaving here. pg 15: “Captain, he’s too injured to take place in a battle!” --wait, didn't volunteer to crank the elevator back up? He doesn't seem very injured. pg 17: "I don’t want to get myself tied in place,” --can't he tie a rope to the rail and the other end to him? That's usually what's depicted in steampunk/airship sort of stories.

This is a solid "getting to the plot" chapter. Some good emotion from S in dealing with how to work with others. I was a bit confused with some of the cellulose terms and why they matter to how the anomaly worked, as well as how S and E differ in abilities. I'm also not convinced the terrans would have completely passed out so soon at the end. But overall, good! Looking forward to when everyone starts arriving at the same place. Notes while reading: pg 2: "tore a new fissure in her chest" --why? Does she have to use her talent to open files? pg 2: "because the atmosphere is unstable" --Can higher dons survive in different atmospheres? pg 3: "She’d missed finding her people by days" --yes, so why is she laughing in joy at this fact? --or wait, then she's talking about crying. Did she not remember that P exploded at first? Seems an odd run of emotion. pg 4: "We need to disengage the FTL and get repairs" --I thought the whole point was that they couldn't disengage the FTL? pg 5: "the one that got abandoned" --there was another one? Maybe WRS. pg 5/6: not completely sure I'm following Y's theory here. --I thought Ard was a ball of tree, not that it produced trees? So asking why it needs all those trees is like asking why a human needs all that body. --Ard pulled cellulose to it from...the trees on it? Somewhere else? --The trees are semi-sentient, but then N says sentient cellulose. Is this a different source, or is he saying the trees are fully sentient? pg 7: "she typed" --typed on what, if all the lights are out and screens dimmed? pg 7: "There’s a process to this" --lol. Meta Y. pg 9: "as she stared at the crystalline strands" --in the ship? In the anomaly? pg 10: "see the crystalline cellulose" "long chains...monomers...polymers" --Not clear on different types of cellulose, or why it matters. pg 12: "thump of bodies on the floor" --The oxygen is waning, not gone, and people can survive a few seconds without breathing too. I don't think they would collapse that quickly.

1. There is and there isn't. I feel like there's less tension because most of the chapter is A just stuck in his cell, not doing anything, where the last chapter had a daring escape. 2. I still don't get much sense from A. He's the MC, in that the story is focused on him, and I guess is competent enough to stab a (trained?) guard to death and escape an execution squad. We don't get a lot of sense of him, though because there's not the mechanic there was before of talking with G. 3. The dialog is somewhat better here, but I think that's more because there isn't as much talking. 4. Honestly, not sure. I think I actually prefer the last chapter more because it started to expand the world (with G and the grumpy smuggler, and seeing the city), whereas this chapter narrows it just to A and dealing with the cell. Maybe some combination of the two? Notes while reading: pg 2: "The guard..." --every sentence in this paragraph stars with the same words. There's something to be said for repetition, but in this case, I think it actually makes this sequence harder to read. pg 2: "The luke-warm liquid splashed over his head and the bowl struck his hand and clattered to the floor." --descriptions like this also slow the story down. You already told us the guard tossed the soup on him. Readers can imagine the outcome (sometimes better than writers can write them!) pg 2: "But of course, it was so dark in his cell..." "turned it around..." "It was too dark in the cell..." --All the sentences above are similar the my comment above, and this what may be catching some people as "archaic." You explain small actions in great detail, where you could probably take all these sentences out and leave the little details to the reader's imagination. pg 7: So...the count keeps him locked up for weeks, yet spends the resources to feed him, then asks once if he will obey, and when he refuses, tries to execute him? I would think he would at least ask more than once.

Like the others said, this is a pretty tight chapter. I'll also agree that we need a little more on O feeling close to death vs. "shrug it off" if her injuries are that bad. I'd also like a couple more sentences description on what her injuries were and what/where exactly the station is. We just get crowds of people, but is it a space station? On the ground? On a planet? I'm not very sure whether this civilization is one star system with lots of inhabited planets, or what. I think the longer arc here is fine, but maybe on the shorter arc, there could be some more realization or emoting of O realizing she's actually in danger. Notes while reading: pg 5: "We’re heading in.” --There's a bit of white space here with description. Are they in a spaceport? Were they in a hangar before? I know O doesn't really know anything, but B could say something like "we'll go through the XX spaceport to get to the YY medical center," or something. --also, was O shot in the legs? Maybe WRS on my part. pg 5: "seemed pulled into one another" --not sure what this means. They were in groups? pg 6: "below ground living" --wait, is the station below ground? I assumed it was a space station. pg 7: "“Thanks, but I try to keep clear..." --Yes, but if it's a day there and a day back with FTL, what's the big problem? pg 9: "and I know, at least a little bit, what happens when it gets broken" --that's interesting. How much contact did the K have with Planet N? I can't remember. pg 9: "for post surgery" --does she need surgery?? Maybe a quick reminder about what her wounds are, in this chapter. pg 11: "R.M.Help Line" --I have a feeling this line would not actually be much help... pg 12: "be her own flaking off from dehydration" --Ick! That's a lot of skin loss.

I actually liked this remark. Having practiced traditional Okinawan karate, Takwondo is definitely more of a competitive sport. *ducks in case Takwondo practitioners start throwing things*

Similar thoughts to the others here. I'm not sure the archaic sort of voice works, because as the others point out, it makes the book very tropey, like it was written in the 70's or something. In a purely meta, authorial reaction, I think @kais idea to really lean in to the tropes would make this funny and enjoyable. Simply how the publishing market is now, something like this doesn't have a lot of hook for modern readers because it's in the style of stories 20-30 years ago. However, it it's making fun of that style, then people will engage with it. In any case, either something like the above, or reading this out loud to yourself and trying to make it less stilted would help. To your questions, the plot is moving along, but it's very standard fare. The only modern thing is how the power are presented, and I think that's why they seem to come out of nowhere. They're a more modern angle to the book, but don't really seem in place here. I'm definitely more invested in what little we've seen of M, rather than A. A is not really in any danger. M is the one who's being carted off somewhere. I'm wondering how she's actively resisting the count's power. Notes while reading: pg 3: "“My skin can become as hard as stone" --this sort of comes out of nowhere. We know there's magic because of the count, but that seems more like a telekinetic power. Then G. just drops this into the conversation. Are there other people with magic powers? What is A's reaction to this? pg 3: "holds he carved out of the stone" --I think this was in there before but got cut out this time. G never said he'd carved handholds, just that he'd chipped at the wall. pg 4: "an Augmented" --ok, I guess this is known. Maybe need to have a little more introduction to this before throwing it in there. If A reacts to what G tells him at first, that might help. pg 4: "peaked" -> "peeked" pg 6: "The Count C I knew" --Was the explanation for this mentioned already? If not, does A react to it at all? pg 8: "A wondered what Mr. G’s next idea would be." --There are a few sentences like this scattered through the story. They don't really do anything, and can be cut to help keep up the tension. The next sentence, "He felt trapped and useless," pretty much carries the same meaning as the first one in this case. pg 9: "if I sense any risk at all to my comfortable life" --that might be a bit on the nose...Would someone actually say that? pg 10: "perhaps the Count is not who he appears to be" --so I guess the count wasn't a known augment? Would he have hidden a power? Is G's power open, or secret? pg 13: "The imminent danger had passed." --same thing here. You show A's emotion in the next sentence, but you tell it first here. This sentence can be deleted.

1. I'm definitely still engaged with the story. Your writing style is natural enough that I read through your chapters quickly even if I find specific issues. That said, I did have some some issues with this one. 2. I still think N is very shifty, but I want to like him. W is also not nearly as sympathetic, to me, now. See my notes on her relationship below. Basically, she seems kind of shallow in relation to E. 3. I didn't feel like there was much plot to this one. There was a lot of character...happenings, and high school drama, but the bit about the flowers at the end was mostly observation. I'm not sure there was an actual arc to the story here. It was more an exploration of the plot points that happened last time, without actually progressing any. Still interested, though! This style is very easy to read. Notes while reading: pg 1: "now that I know he was acting his part and never loved me" --I sort of take issue with this. even if he didn't romantically love her, he was doing her a service by helping her get through her mother's illness. Why would he do such a thing if he didn't care? I think this is the contradiction I had a problem with last time. I don't think there's necessarily a problem with having this plot, but the contradiction might need to be addressed. Maybe it's that I now regard W as overly shallow that she can't understand this? pg 1: "Seems like lingering on exes is a full-time job." --exes? Has she had several she lingers on? pg 4: “Hope you don’t mind if I sit here. How have you been? We haven’t chatted in a while.” --yeah, ok, N just rubs me the wrong way. I can't tell if he's supposed to be genuinely endearing, but he sets my teeth on edge. pg 8: "who had no exposure to mainstream American culture until this year" --eh? Why? This isn't because of homeschooling, is it? it's pretty hard to avoid mainstream culture in several major countries. pg 8: "Sounds like a lot of unnecessary politics to me' --yep. pg 9: "how I get sucked into his trap, how he worms his way into my mind until he can take whatever he wants and leave me crushed," --I...hm...Maybe it's just me, but this sounds overly paranoid. pg 11: "But if you use the same methods as science to figure out what’s going on, it’s science in my book." -- +1 for scientific magic! pg 12: "I could throw the flower out right now and never think about it again" --but the flower isn't linked to E or N. W got it there, but the flower's anomaly isn't connected to the rest of what happened, right?

I have similar thoughts to @kais on reading this. I think there's a good story in there, and this already shows some good characters and setting, but I think this chapter wanders a bit too much and doesn't really settle with a solid ending. Some trimming and condensing the conversations and descriptions would help. Overall, an interesting story though! Interested to see where this is going. Notes while reading: pg 1: "every time he tried to figure out if he could move a part of his body" --repetitive with the previous sentence. I think you could cut this. pg 2: "stopped moving entirely" --except he can't move... pg 3: "Instead, his expression was locked into a more neutral tone" --there's a lot of this, where you show something, and then tell it again in the next sentence. You can remove the second sentence and it has more impact. pg 4: "I wonder if the two of them are related." --did they also look similar? Because hair color is not a good indication if people are related... pg 6: “I warned you.” --uh, no, she didn't She just asked how his eyes were. pg 7: starting to get a little slower through here. Could probably cut some of the walking and talking getting to the captain. pg 9/10: There's a lot of back and forth through here and then a minor backstory infodump. pg 15: "to throw sharp objects when the ship jerks" --Usually things are stowed very securely on naval vessels. I'd assume it would be the same on airships... pg 17: "That explains a lot … and yet, also quite so little." --except it doesn't really explain anything to the reader as we don't know why she's different. We find out a few paragraphs down, but maybe the order of this needs to be changed around. pg 19: This part is sort of going off into the weeds. I'm losing the thread of where the story is going. pg 20: Not really a strong ending to this chapter. I'd prefer a bit stronger arc, with some hint of where things are going from here.

I enjoyed reading this a lot! I don't read a lot of YA, but this seemed to fit the genre well. To your questions: 1. Like @kais I thought there was a little too much time spent at the beginning with setting things up, though it was still fun to read. I agree putting the "amma" and gender explanation a little closer to the beginning will help. The magic flowers were the first hints of something else going on, and that also came a little too late in the chapter. By that point I was already thinking more "romance" than "paranormal romance." 2. Very good characters already. 3D, and I already like most of them. This is one of your strengths here. 3. Definitely. Like @karamel, I was shipping the boys at the end, but got a little confused after the conversation. Are they all bi/pan? (That would be great, but I'm thinking not) . I can't tell if N is bi and attracted to both E and W, or if E is just a good friend. Also, N, seems almost suspicious because of all the goody-goody. I'm wondering if that is a further plot point. 4. I assume N, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if any of the kids got together with any of the others. I was almost bothered by W's reactions to E in the conversation at the end. I wonder if we don't have quite enough information about their breakup, because E to me sounds like he was trying to help all he could and also tried to make amends, which then puts W in a peevish light for me. But I don't think that's the whole story. I could definitely read this just for the characters...Looking forward to more! (oh, and the prologue is definitely not necessary.) Notes while reading: pg 1: "a heavy metal song" --specificity is always better if possible, so something like "My mom singing heavy metal," or "the heavy metal sounds of XY song by Z" make more impact. pg 2: "while planning to become an engineer." --lol...isn't that always the way. pg 3: +1 for amma! (Edit: I did have the same reaction as the others that the name didn't fit an enby character, so that explanation could come sooner.) pg 3: "glue sticks" --lol pg 4: "And each friend is different enough that I have to make a new process each time." --I like this kid. pg 5: The meanings behind the names are a nice touch too, good character building and explanation at the same time. pg 8: "Those weird flowers" --Interesting tidbit here. This is enjoyable to read, but a lot of it is concerned with relationships and character rather than plot. Not saying that's bad, and probably fits better for YA. Glad to see some other movement, though. pg 8: "brings up memories" --ah, here's some more juicy stuff! pg 15: I love all this attraction between everyone and I am also very confused about who wants to date who. I am okay with that. Also, something is DEFINITELY up with N. pg 16: I'm a little confused with W's reaction to E. Or more, what happened between them seems like a big misunderstanding that was never cleared up. I'm wondering if this is actually meant to be a misunderstanding and E is being truthful, or if there is more here that's not being shown yet.

A nice, tight chapter! Good progression, and I love the weird birds (having some experience in that area). Not really anything to comment on. I thought this was good. Maybe the only thing is that O didn't even acknowledge or ask about all the stuff with planes and transfers, since that's all new information. Of course, she was trying not to die at the same time, but even a quick sentence of indirect thought could tell the reader, "yes this is weird, hang on and you'll find out more." Notes while reading: pg 1: "turned cubic, cracked, brown chunks of lignin." --is something missing in this sentence? pg 4: "A murder of bird people" --definitely. pg 4: "like reems of loose skin" --"reams" pg 7: Ah, I was not clear what exactly the Apo's were, or that they were the bird people, until now. pg 8: "We probably should have exploded" --so THEY did it? pg 9: “But the mess,” --I feel like this is always a valuable arguing point. pg 10: "where a uvula should have hung, was a tiny laser gun." --okay, that's weird. pg 12: "the black of space with swirls of faint pink that" --ha. pg 13: "There was no way to keep nail polish from chipping in space" --double ha!