Mandamon

Well, I generally agree with everyone else so far. The first section goes on too long, the romance is good, and then Ir is once again pushed aside because TBK is the only one who actually moves the plot forward. Agree. On the one hand it's good to finally know why he needs the names, but I think the lack of any information about what this crystal is aside from "he wants it" turns this into TBK stealing something and being evil, rather than "rescuing" a powerful object from a corrupt merchant (which I'm assuming is your actual intent). Showing off these powers in more detail earlier would help, as would a little more information on what exactly TBK is doing. All this. I wonder if Ir. could be drawn into this scheming earlier on so the reader sees it, or if we could have some more TBK POV, though he tends to take over because Ir is farily reactionary. Notes while reading: Pg 2/3: The goodbyes are maybe going on a *bit* too long... pg 3: "It was way too early in the morning for the bovine." --even to say goodbye to her assistant? Or is she coming too? pg 4: Yeah, I'd say maybe cutting the goodbyes to one page or less would make this move along a lot faster. pg 5: "often saw her trotting at the edge of the road, nose and ears twitching endlessly." --there are a bunch of little tags in the section that keep making me think this is going to hook into a larger plot point, but it's all description. pg 6: the gifts from her family are nice, but I feel like this whole thing is dragging along. I get that Ir hasn't left her hometown before, but I feel like readers who are very used to driving between towns or going on a long trip are going to get bored quickly. pg 8: ok, finally getting to the meat of this chapter! pg 10: The last two pages are great, and a welcome development. I think the first eight can be cut down by half or more to get to the main point faster. pg 11: "It was like he was two separate creatures: a bloodthirsty warlord, and a noble, just king" --except we still haven't seen any hint of the warlord. We've just been told that he is. pg 12: "They had been on the road for five weeks" --still not sure what I think about skipping over half the tour, which has been talked about for the whole book. especially with the developments between Ir. and J, I want to know what Ir is doing. Is she spying for the B.K.? Are they playing at each town? Has she found any spies? I feel like there are things happening with the destroyed towers and things, but the B.K. isn't using Ir... pg 12: "and would play for hours" --ah, here it is. Except we still don't know the results of any of this. Does she have an objective, or is she just learning everyone's names? pg 13: "adding last minute touches before the guests began to arrive." --I get this is the Important Thing, but I feel certain there would have been opportunities before this for some intrigue. pg 14: "It was time to get to work" --yes, but what is it? We keep hearing she's working for the B.K., but not any of the results of her work. pg 15: I really like the W. parts, but I feel like every time we about to see Ir. do something, it cuts to either the B.K. or W...someone with more agency. I wonder if Ir. could be brought in a little more to The Plan? pg 15: "It would do no good if she realized he was only here for one. That this entire trip had only been for one." --hmmm...no, the B.K. is running a burgeoning empire. There's no way he doesn't have a dozen schemes running at once, with fallbacks in place. He's not going to waste eight weeks on one name. It might be the most important one, but I'm sure he would plan very carefully to hit as many of the malcontents and disruptive individuals as possible. pg 15: "He would have never guessed that the famous vintner and mayor" --again, why does it matter? There is no significance to one name over the other right now. pg 16: "Heightened marine taxes in the south and lower trade taxes in the north were slowly encouraging merchants to push their businesses northward." --I think this is why a B.K. POV would be good in this book. We could also see some of the other plots he's set in motion, and even if the reader isn't told what they're for, they could link together so the reader figures out what his real goal is toward the end. It would give a sense of satisfaction to the reader. pg 17: Ahh...so the names are needed so B.K. can charm his opponents? That would have been good to know a while back, maybe with another example like this.

Oh! Nope, not at all. I was assuming they were using power armor of some sort.

First off, I definitely agree with @Robinski and @kais that this chapter is much more engaging than the previous ones we've read. I think C is a much more interesting character, but just needs to be defined a bit better. The plot, even accounting for the skips, is more interesting to me as well. -female pov critiques: I'll just second @kais on most of this. I also noticed a couple weird things with comparing bodies and such, but didn't have the right words to explain. -mental health pov critiques: I think this is still unclear. I guessed at C being sociopathic/psychopathic, but the hurtful impulses seem directed at several different targets. Not that it couldn't happen like that, but I think for a book plot it needs to be clearer. To your explanation above, I don't think this works as OCD (though I don't know a whole lot about it), because the thoughts aren't obsessive, they're destructive. -religion critiques: I don't think this was offensive, and coming from someone who knew enough about (Christian) church to fake it through a service if I was forced to go to one, the confusing discussions were right on par with how I regarded a "believer" speaking to me. I agree with Kais though, that this is very Christian in scope, and could easily be a different confusing made-up religion. -chapter structure critiques: It's not really a full chapter so I can't see the full arc. I think it's on a better track than the first couple however. I'd like the "finance" hook to be a little bigger. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Just what she lived for. A break in the pattern of monotony, something different, something new. Deciding to face today hadn’t been too hard a choice." --I think this is going for C struggling with depression, but "what she lived for" seems more like "oh boy I get to do this" rather than "finally something different." But it's a subtle point. pg 1: "Especially then, a part of her thought. Another part of her recoiled at that." --hmm...this is conflicting with above. I had assumed C was depressive, but this seems more self-destructive? pg 2: “Neato mosquito,” --??? pg 2: "hadn’t enabled her, it was the reason she had stopped." --I'm confused on this (since you do want religion critiques). Is void the thing C is going to rallies for? Is it a religion contrasting with her sister's. Also, stopped what? pg 2: "His eyes didn’t linger" --Not sure what this signifies. He doesn't consider her a superior? He doesn't like how she looks? He doesn't like women? pg 3: "ramming one of her pens into it" --okay, so...she's borderline sociopathic/psychopathic? Still not really clear on what her deal is. pg 3: "Mostly from the male engineers." --is there a reason to call out sexism here? Yes, it probably happens, but does it have a reason in the book? Otherwise it just reads as a weird male gaze thing. pg 3: "A reanimated automaton! It must’ve gone rogue and escaped its containment barracks." --A wait what now? I get there was a skip with a character being introduced, but they've gone from looking at suits to an escaped robot? pg 3: "They lifted off the ground, rising up towards the creature. Several other suits of armor also took off" --E is in a suit? When did this happen? pg 4: "Floating in pools of black" --her eyes are floating in pools of black? She should get that looked at. pg 4: "That image did not bother her." ---Hmmm...this doesn't seem consistent (given, however, I'm not an expert on mental health). This tends toward self destruction whereas some of the other comments tend toward wishing harm on others. pg 5: "The words disturbed her," --but other violent thoughts didn't? pg 6: "Check the…financial department" --entirely likely, but certainly not the most thrilling of directions! pg 7: "Too bad for her; they probably wouldn’t be having the test today after all. She had come for nothing." --this seems odd. She was planning on coming anyway, and they could hardly know a rogue robot would disrupt the test... pg 7: “Yeah,” C whispered." --Is this implying that both C and D know of her destructive tendencies? Because it was also the heroic (and probably right) thing to do. I'm not sure this shores up the thread about her mental health so much as showing she is a hero. pg 8: "ripping it with her teeth like a mongoose" --so...just destructive in general? I'm having trouble grasping what she's dealing with. pg 8: "Think about ways you can help them, instead of hurting them." --so she has a therapist and this is a known thing. You might try reading through Dan Well's John Cleaver series. He does a really good job showing inside the mind of a (potential) serial killer. pg 8: "They had to keep it locked; there was a pair of scissors in there." --hmm...I think this is undercutting the issue again. She just showed she has the ability to control things, but then they "have" to keep the drawer locked, as if she can't help herself. pg 10/11: Whoof. This discussion sounds like every time I talk to someone who consistently goes to a church. Especially the "this is a contradictory, but that's alright, becuase you're just supposed to get hope from it!" pg 12: "Something about souls, and money? Finances? It was trying to warn someone?" --now my own headcanon is that this was some poor accountant who died while trying to crack a particularly sticky money laundering scheme and keeps reliving the moment.

Yay! Excited for this! Fortunately I remember a bit more than @Robinski so I fell right into things. Remembered all the characters right off the bat. To your questions: Does the prologue have enough new information to keep you interested, even though a lot of it is recap for new readers? I think the inciting incident is great and definitely enough to make me want to go on another Ard adventure. However, especially with seeing some confusing from new readers, I think you might actually want to take out some of the explanation. Like Robinski, I thought the top of page 5 was a big infodump, and I'm wondering if the place and character names just come across as confusing and something new readers won't remember anyway. Could you introduce just a couple concepts at a time, and spread out the infodumping until it's absolutely needed? I think this stands very well on its own without much backup. Introduce S, Y, N, their relationship, and S is searching for history about her heritage and you're good to go for new readers. Are you excited about a Sal's POV? Yes! I only made one note on this, in that if S has still refused to change her voicebox, there is going to be a lot of italic direct thoughts in here, and a lot of explaining how she gets concepts across (see my confusion on pg 8). I all here for a person who uses different speech methods, however, I wouldn't want italics as a crutch to get information across, and I'm worried about challenges in communication. Is the tone consistent with the other books? Definitely. No problems there. Also, this is a prologue??? From Kais??? So I'll parrot back the same questions as usual...Does it need to be a prologue? Is there a big skip in time after this or change POV, because I'm looking forward to S adventures with Y and N... Notes while reading: pg 1: "That was how far back the records went" --Now I'm wondering what changed to make this happen... pg 1: "nine sentient species" --that's a lot! pg 1: "exploded" --oops. pg 1: "luxury tramp I’m Wearing Shoes" --Lol! pg 2: "from his head to his face" --or his back? --also, the paragraph of description is a bit strange. Like S is thinking about Y, but I don't know why. pg 2: "They still whispered, even in the middle of space." --Interesting. I don't remember her hearing them in the books. pg 5: I feel like this is a bit of an infodump at the top of the page. Yes, we need some placesetting especially if people are coming into this book several years after reading the last trilogy. I think we need the information, but maybe a little more elegantly? This is the first chapter, so I want to be drawn in more by the new story, even if I don't clearly remember the last one. pg 6: "I don’t want another adventure" --Ha, S channeling some Bilbo. pg 8: "I want to uncover my history" --I'm a bit worried about the amount of italics definite thought that will be in this is S doesn't talk and it's all from her POV. pg 8: "pointed at his feet again, then pointed to the ceiling." --I had to read this passage a few times and I'm still not sure what this signifies, especially because it was in relation to Y's feet before. I know what S wants, from the story, but I'm not sure how Y is figuring it out.

Well! I think everyone has pretty much covered what I wanted to say about this chapter, so not too much to add. I agree with most everyone else that the time skip was abrupt. I think the montage suggestion is a good one. I made a similar suggestion below. I enjoyed the party, but also felt something was off, like it didn't tie into anything. We haven't seen most of these characters since the first few chapters so I'd honestly forgotten about most of them, and then there's so much festivity (the word "joy" was repeated several times) that it almost felt like you were saying YOU WILL BE MERRY HERE. I was waiting for the roof to fall in or a riot to spring up or something. I think tightening it up and dealing with Ir's emotions about leaving as shaded by the party might bring it more meaning. Agree with this. I thought it was cute, but also just a little rushed. I need more! Just one glimpse of a stunned face, or something. Also, lol's re. @shatteredsmooth My favorite motto as a 20 year old was "I need an adultier adult." Left the stove on for nine hours and everything. Real good at adulting. Now I'm going to turn 24 in February and my motto is, "I need a nap." *grumbles in almost 40* Notes while reading" pg 1: “Let’s talk about the spring performances.” "Let me catch you up to speed:" --seems repetitive pg 1: "and she was trying not to think too hard about it." --good, but can it be more specific? Is she trying to to let their hands touch, or worried that he's only sitting next to her because there's no other seat, or doesn't know if he wants to sit closer... pg 2: "B is an incredibly small part of P, even if it was the capital city" --geography context! pg 2: "former monarchy as a peaceful king" --but P is still a monarchy, right? It's just changed hands. pg 3: hmm...I think the 2.5 month skip is good to push the story along, but I'm also wondering a bot about what's happened. Has Ir. been learning music, magic, and still doing her naming thing? Has anything else progressed with the unrest in the city? Have the revolutionaries made any other moves? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with this skip. You might need a few descriptions to tide us over though. pg 4: "The same on the outside, but rebuilt with something new" --nice comparison pg 4: "there was so much love pouring out from the restaurant’s skeleton " --a nice sentiment, but we haven't seen any of these people since the first few chapters, so I don't really have a connection with them. Have any of them been in the restaurant before while it was being rebuilt? Has Ir visited it? pg 5: "Working for the B.K. had put her on odds with many of C’s co-workers" --again, we haven't seen any of this. Just the contention between her and her sister. She went to the palace and almost all scenes not in there have been with family members. pg 5/6: this is all very very happy and I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. pg 7: "making sure not to tangle up the rope" --so are they dancing together around a rope? Is this like a male/female separation thing? pg 8: "before she could stop herself and think, she leaned in and kissed his cheek." --finally! pg 9: "At the same time, if she had to have kissed him, why hadn’t she gone for the lips!" --Ha! Really. Well, I look forward to how this changes her travels with the B.K.

Trust me, as someone who's written 12+ books and published many of them, it's a writing problem. You can get a second, third, and fourth opinion from other published writers on this forum if you want. The point is, if you want feedback on your story, you need to actually listen to it. A good writer takes in critiques without defensiveness. You may not agree with all of it, or even any of it, and you may not use all of it, but generally if more than one critiquer makes the same point, you should listen to it. If a writer with more experience makes a point, you should at least consider it. I wouldn't have become the writer I am now without listening to others. You aren't going to be able to explain what you "actually" meant to a random person who picks up your finalized, published, book. No, they're going to put it down and give you a low review, or worse, just forget about you. I'm assuming you want to learn to be a better writer and eventually publish books by being on this forum. If so, you would do well to listen to what the others on here are saying. We're all trying to help each other out.

But it's also kept secret from me. I think all the great backstories and reasons for this story are in your head, but I can't yet see them on the page. I'm trying to get you to show me in the book why I should keep reading. Right now, I'm not interested. Honestly, I wouldn't read this if I found it in a store right now, but I can see it has some potential. I critique on this forum to help out other writers. Think of this forum as the first inkling of what wider readers would question about your book. This is your chance to rework things so those questions don't come up.

That's not a reason. A reason would be: the citizens of X city/town/world have been repressed/killed/put into slavery/etc by Y power/kingdom/space empire/etc and are rising up because some young hero person has thrown off their chains/insert inspirational action. I don't have any of those details. Why would I care about this uprising? I don't even know who they're uprising against.

Basically, yes. This chapter only deals with characters and doesn't do enough to keep my attention. I didn't get this as being a big distinction while reading. They're both killing and eating souls. When they do it is rationalization. However, we don't have a reason for the fight, so I can't apply any other rationale to it.

Well, I definitely like V a lot better than Q, but I'm still not that involved in the story. Overall, I feel like I'm missing context. What organization does V belong to? What are "the enemies" she's fighting. Why? Everyone seems to be royalty or a god, but I don't know of who or what. Why would you deploy someone who can end a fight singlehandedly when there are already troops present? Whose troops are they? Whereas the first few chapters with Q seemed to be all action, with not a lot of character building or plot, the first two chapters here were character interactions, but still didn't further the plot. Then we go back to another action sequence, but again, I don't have context for it. I think there are some interesting ideas here, but I haven't seen anything that actually holds them together yet, and we're now 9 chapters in. Notes while reading: pg 1: "tapped" -> "tap" pg 1: "and his irises were pure red instead of his entire eye" --instead of his entire eye being red? pg 1/2: Discussing the events that happened last chapter isn't really engaging. I want to know what happens next. pg 2: "He is far better than I expected" --annnd...once again we're talking about how great Q is. pg 2: "Her skin color went back to normal" --except she can change her appearance, right? So what is "normal?" pg 4: "This was you a few hundred years ago" --sort of maid-and-butler here. It is clarified later that V loses memories, but it's still sort of awkward. pg 6: Ch7: I'm not sure what this really adds to the story. We get introduced to V and her wife, but they mostly stand around the whole chapter, and either the last chapter or trivialities are discussed. There's nothing to move the plot forward. pg 7: "She noted her scythe, which was leaning on the wall near the mannequin." --I've seen some other sentences like this as well. It's just a description tag, but it doesn't actually do anything. She notes her scythe, but what about it? This is partially why the last chapter dragged for me. There are a lot of plain descriptive sentences that don't actually add to the story. They're just window dressing. One of the best pieces of advice I've begun to incorporate in my writing is to make every sentence do (at least) two things, like describing something as well as furthering the plot, or building character, or something else. pg 8: "He started picking up the dust from the room with his space powers, bunching it into a ball next to him." --Is there something more specific than "space powers?" pg 9: still not a lot happening. V got a message she has to go back to work. pg 10: "As she made her way to the shuttle, she noticed a figure wearing red standing near it, a purple cloak hanging on one side. As she got closer, she realized it was R.B." --This sort of sentence construction also drags the story down. Several different things happen at once, but they are each given their own thought. Instead, you could say something like," When she got to her shuttle, R.B. was already there, her purple cloak hanging to one side. --also, do we know who R.B. is? I feel like most of the characters here are thrown in with a name first, but no description of who or what they are. pg 10: "I’m your mother-in-law." --Ah. I feel like that could have been anywhere in the last eight pages, when C was introduced and talking about her mother. Then there wouldn't be this need for another introduction. pg 11: Ch 8: Again, I feel like there is something going on, but it's not actually on the page.V is going on a mission, I guess? But the whole chapter is just her getting to the shuttle. We get introductions for three characters, but without some plot or movement attached to them, I'm struggling not to skip to get to something with more import. pg 11: "Consumed souls" --This has been mentioned several times, but I don't know what it does. pg 11: "but they were outside the command chain." --Then I find it hard to believe that a captain wouldn't know that. pg 12: "the enemy side," “The targets," "The enemy line" --who are these people and why is V attacking them? We didn't get an explanation for "the mission" and now I don't know what the side are. I don't even really know to what sort of organization V belongs to. I don't have much context for anything that's happening. pg 12: "Instead of fear, these people looked at her with awe." --again, the POV character is only regarded as The Best Thing. It doesn't give me any reason to sympathize with them. pg 12: "increased her Consumption of souls for speed" --So does it give her just any powers? where does she get souls from? Whose souls? Does she feel anything about consuming them? Are they destroyed in the process? Answers to some of these would make V a much more interesting character. pg 13: "Absorbed the souls that were still there" --okay, so I assume these are actual souls of sentient people. Does V have any problems with that? pg 13: "around a few thousand standard souls and was constantly using them" --has she killed that many people just now? This is a terrible person. pg 13: "In a few minutes, she cleared the area" --so why are the soldiers there? pg 14: "Why was there a child there?" --really? She's concerned about one child when she's constantly killing and (I presume) destroying the immortal part of countless beings? pg 14: "She just healed" --getting tired of all the POV characters being functionally invulnerable. pg 16: "After a while, they’ll be back to their normal lives. It’s a small spate, nothing overly traitorous and we did kill a good portion of them." --uh...really? so the greater part of a city or town or country or something was killed and everyone's just going to pretend it didn't happen? pg 16/17 well, here's a little bit of debate about how absorbing souls is bad, but it doesn't satisfy me. It's a strawman argument. V is blaming M (who has appeared out of nowhere) about killing someone for their soul, when she's been doing the same for the whole battle. pg 17: Wait, why did V run into M's ship? It doesn't help that we don't know what this fight was about. V wanting to know details about a different mission doesn't interest me at this point. I want something specific. V went somewhere, killed a lot of people, Was Awesome and Invulnerable, and then was so consumed with curiosity she hid on a ship? I feel like I'm missing a lot of context.

I... I literally said that. I said go for it if she's going for fantasy, and I said to look for a civilization that do it, I didn't say it never happened. Fair enough. I was interpreting from your structure "if you want realism, then you should research" which sounded like you thought there was a problem with how the relationship was presented. Glad we're in agreement!

This is needlessly harsh. Please consider rephrasing. Agree. I didn't have any problem with most of them.

Congrats on the first submission! Well! This is gloomy and depressing! Overall, I was pretty engaged after the first few pages. I think the moping around town could be cut down a lot before they find the woman. That's really the key to this chapter and sets the tone for the book. Speaking of which, I had not guessed this was going to be quite so dark. As to tags, there's not really a good one that encompasses this, so thanks for tagging this, but I would definitely say this does have self-harm, even though it is assisted. I didn't really have any problem with the dialogue. It's serviceable, but you have enough good description that nothing about it particularly stood out to me. There were some tense problems throughout and a few places where the adjectives were a bit heavy. I've noted some below. However, the arc of the chapter was good and makes me interested to read on. This is darker than what I usually read, but I'm actually sort of excited for a period zombie piece, especially if there are more LGBTQ characters. I disagree. First, there are plenty of examples of same and opposite sex couples through history, and second, it's your world, so I'd run with it. Though I would like if LGBTQ characters end up surviving! Interested to read more! Notes while reading: pg 1: good opening paragraph. pg 1: "homes for the dead" --a bit flowery. Could just say "graves" pg 1: "dark lusterless hair," "his low, unkempt bun," "desolate little village," "almost completely obliterated," --also a bit of overkill on the adjectives. pg 2: "sending him further into obscurity." --interesting phrase. He doesn't seem to concerned about fame, as he's thanklessly cleaning up a village. Why would he be concerned about his body being found? pg 2: "That will be his fate" -> "That would be his fate" pg 2: “How long were you standing there?” --I'm glad K was also surprised. I thought he was alone in this village. End of pg 2: I was drawn in by the first few paragraphs, but now I'm less interested since they just seem to be talking about this nothing town. pg 3: "He just wanted a place to stay in that wasn’t filled with people, alive people." --yeah, this is taking a downright depressing tone... pg 4/5: "His hands grip a blade" --would grip? gripped? I'm not sure what tense this should be in. pg 5: "But he hasn’t wielded" --Hadn't. There's a few tense hiccups in this. pg 5/6: good tension with the woman. pg 7: +1 for the LGBTQ content. Hopefully there is more not in the "kill your gays" department. pg 7: "former beloved who has departed from the living world?” --I'm getting Zombie vibes... pg 8: "She was clearly not going to last much longer" --Why is this? Her legs are scraped up, but is there a larger risk to her health? pg 10: "glided it swiftly and forcefully from ear to ear" --Oof. Was not expecting that...I was thinking surely he wouldn't follow through.

Coincidentally, I'm playing a bard in one of the campaigns I'm in...of the College of Whispers.

I said this at the bottom, but I think the various parts of these chapters need to be streamlined. There's a lot of good stuff here, but scattered between worldbuilding, romance, and an antagonist, and there's not quite enough of any of them. I'd love a chapter fully devoted to Ir. learning about magic with the king and the O, and then maybe another chapter building the romance with J, and touching on how S is pulling away. But putting it all together pulls in too many directions. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Three days had given her plenty to clean and try to forget everything. ' --what about three days? I looked back and didn't see anything at the end of the last chapter. Probably WRS. pg 3: “Why don’t you have an accent?” --I think this may need to be seeded earlier. If people don't know of the feylands, then how do they know what accent they have? pg 4: "but I know that isn’t worth the price of fifteen salaries" --glad she's finally asking this. pg 4: "Why are names so important?” --good question. pg 5: "some people don’t identify themselves by their given name. They might have a nickname that is more them than the one their parents gave them.” -- Feel like this hasn't really come up before now and is sort of a big theme in the book. We were never really given any reason for names, nor hinted that names make magic more powerful. Having some example of this earlier in the book would seed a "surprising yet inevitable" moment here. pg 7: “No need to call for the guards. I am immune to poison,” --Great move by the king. This reminds me of when my dad was teaching me chemistry, neutralized sulfuric acid, and drank it.* (*The further story is that he made me calculate the chemical formula, asked if I thought it was right, then when I said yes, poured the correct amount of base in the beaker and drank it. In retrospect, of course he also knew the answer was correct, but I'm sure my impressionable teenage eyes were as big as dinner plates.) pg 8: I think I finally figured something out. Every time the B.K. has appeared, he's acted as a mentor to Ir. His character is said to be a tyrant, but he's taking the place of the archetypal mentor, which is traditionally a good (or neutral) character. I think this is why I have so much trouble seeing the B.K. as bad. pg 9: "other name-knowers like yourself," --I still want some sort of side comment about this elsewhere. Would she have seen another one in the castle? Has P. said anything about them? pg 10: "More like a master and an apprentice" --Aha. Yep. pg 11: "In that world, was she a chef…or something more?" --I feel this doesn't land with as much impact as it could. She hasn't really been a chef the whole book. She's been a name-knower and a musician, but we haven't had a lot of scenes with her being a chef. pg 11: "adding it to his castle." --I thought it already crumbled? pg 12: "She had slowly learned that he only acted that way when something meant a lot to him but he didn’t want to show it" --I don't know if this is necessary to say. It's pretty obvious from the context. pg 13: "Chatting about food, they headed up the beach." --good development here, but I want more! There's not a lot of resolution to this section, and it doesn't move the story along to have Ir tell J what happened. If the real intent here is to deepen their relationship, we need to see some more of it. pg 15: "are too tired to riot" --too tired from what, exactly? We haven't really seen people actively rioting. pg 16: "No, an impossibility. Not with the animosity between her city and M." --hmm. I don't know if this jives with how she was just thinking they needed to move on. pg 16: I'm on the fence about the dinner scene. It does establish S's position, but I don't know if it gives enough other information to be worth keeping. pg 17: "pushed magic" --we still haven't gotten en explanation of his this works or what it looks like. pg 18: "handed me a knife to start peeling potatoes" --I still don't understand this. Do they not put wooden handles on knives? Why does she have to touch the metal at all? pg 20: "Why was she learning from O, nearly four months into her employment, and not one of these other charmcasters earlier on?" --I was about to ask this as a critiquer as well. I feel like we need some more explanation of magic earlier. pg 21: This is the fourth scene in this chapter? They've been good, but I feel like it's losing direction. Ir was learning about magic with the king and O, but then there was romance with J and dealing with S in the middle. I'm thrown around to different plot threads pg 22: and then there's yet another scene thrown on top of that about the performances. These chapters have a lot of really good parts, but they're all jumbled together. I think they can be stripped down and put back together so you have one thread at a time, and it will make these chapters a lot stronger.

I have to say I wasn't really engaged by this sequence. We've just come from three chapters of fight scenes, we get one page of him wandering around trying to get information, and then another three chapters of fight scenes. By the end of it I want some context. What is his situation? What is his mission or objective? I guess people are chasing him, but why? All I know about Q is that he likes to kill people and every government seems to be after him. There is no motivation for his actions, as yet. I think there is a lot of neat scifi tech and worldbuilding buried in here, but it's not coming through on the page. Rather than a play-by-play of him fighting the Angels, I want to know what kind of society makes all these various squads of elite operatives. Is there a single government? An empire? Many? They really haven't. Q spends the whole time trouncing one of the best elite forces (so we're told), has the ability to pull whatever weapon he wants from his coat, can instantly sense anyone coming for him, and knows all about his enemies. I have no concerns about his safety. Four elite soldiers finally punched him out after he killed two, and he basically let himself be knocked out. I imagine he will immediately escape his confinement next chapter. Again, I think there are the makings of a fun pirate-y story here, but right now I have no investment in it because there's no tension. Notes while reading: pg 1: "the drug was nice" --It's a bit generic. This is a good place for a sci-fi drug name, like "Relaxxer," or "planetHaze" or something like that. pg 1: "somewhat glowing" --is it glowing or not? pg 1: "all of whom got quiet once they saw him" --Why? Because of his glowing clothes? pg 1: The beggars are a bit...standard. Like, why are there beggars here? This planet runs itself, but seems to have an employment problem if there are scads of beggars lying around. Same thing for the generic "gangsters." They aren't just going to stand around to be window dressing. I assume they have their own stories and objectives. pg 1: "His eyes weren’t as glazed over" --Is this saying all beggars are also drug addicts? Or they're all starving? pg 1: "I only had an education" --not sure what this means. pg 2: "He leaned and whispered" --I'd think the beggar would hold out for the money he's expecting then. Why does he suddenly give in? His information is his only lever to get sustenance, since he's a beggar. It's literally his only card and he just gave it up. He has nothing to lose, so guns shouldn't be a real threat. pg 2: "someone wearing beggar cloak" --first, it's missing a word, and second, are there so many beggars that wearing a cloak like a beggar makes one blend in? pg 2: "peaked" -> "peeked" pg 2: "Pieces of the man flew off" --this is a...strange way of saying he was shot. pg 3: "She was Ph." --are we supposed to know what or who this is? pg 3: "Boundless" --who? pg 3: "Which meant she was Boundless" --ah. The explanation should probably come before using the term then. pg 3: "guy in the alleyway" --ah, I was confused again. These are names, not titles. I think all of this needs to be a lot clearer that Q is identifying a small group of specialized people. pg 3: "His coat absorbed most of it, though he started to feel the heat of the plasma on his chest" --yeah, I still feel no concern that Q might be hurt. pg 4: "The spirit wailed and lunged at him, but he jumped over it " --To the last point. There are a lot of these sort of descriptions, which boil down to "this dangerous thing happened, but it was no problem for Our Hero." It takes away a lot of the tension. If it's no problem, don't even mention it. Show us the thing that have a chance of hampering the hero. pg 4: "when he noticed a white spirit trying to sneak up on him" --This is another problem. Q instantly sees everything and recognizes everyone. And those who recognize him seem to be stricken with terror. Why? pg 4: "Just like Boundless’ spirit, he could fly and go through objects." --a lot of infodumping/telling through here. pg 5: "Surprisingly, it worked" --not really. Everything he's done has worked. pg 6: "but it didn’t happen. Deciding not to question it" --Another tension killer. Q just walks away and nothing bad happens. I want him to be at least inconvenienced by these people but he's easily beaten three elite members of a well-known (evidently) special forces group. pg 6: "he had been hit into a wall" --thrown? Also, I guess this isn't over... pg 6: "He did a disarm maneuver with his other arm" --no, I take that back. Once again, he beats his opponent, even while blind and stunned. pg 6: "another one of the..." --how surprising. Shouldn't he have been expecting more by now? pg 8: "Q slipped a toxin into his fingers from his coat." --Eh? This sort of comes out of nowhere. pg 8: "took out an explosive" --I suppose he's just carrying any weapon he wants? pg 8: "the best the Sources’ had. Fortunately, he was better." --This again. Q is better than they best mercenaries money or governments can buy, by such a large margin that he can easily take out four of them? I have no concerns for his character at all by now. It's obvious he's going to survive everything. pg 9: "the head of the Angels of Death herself." --There's no tension in this. We already know he's better than her. pg 9: The long description of V doesn't add anything to the story. pg 9: "He was barely able to fight the first three." --uh...he pretty much trounced them. pg 11: "He now held his MKRs" --I though all his devices were disabled? pg 11-12: The extended plot explanation that the two angels have while Q is just standing there is very maid and butler. Why are they just giving him all this information? Why are they having a logistics discussion in the middle of a firefight? Why did Q not just shoot them while they were talking?

Just need to learn how to throw my voice like a punch...

To @ginger_reckoning's point, and to be a little harsh, not if they put the book down before then. Especially for a new writer or newly published name, it's very hard to balance the "wait and see" cool stuff with "yes I am actually a competent writer." So the reactions you see in this group are people who have written stuff seeing the potential problems and traps readers may come across in your work.

Ha! Same. I was mentally saying "Space H. Coast to Coast" in my head every time that name came up.

More poems! A Mariner's Heart "Yet I yearn not for homely shore" might scan better as "I yearn not for the homely shore" Definitely very Tolkien. It's sort of a cross between some of the tavern songs he has and the more "poetic" poems the elves have. I think I did some of these way back in the day myself, with similar results. Jack I have to say, this one's a little beyond me. It's very evocative, but I'm not quite sure what it's saying. The "Mother" line also confused me, and made me think this was Jack Frost, but then the rest of the progression through the seasons doesn't seem to make sense with that. I'm also a little unsure who "us" and "she" and "him" are, but then this might just be over my head. My favorite poems are more of the ba-DUM ba-DUM ba-DUM variety, if you get my meaning (which is why I enjoyed the first one more). The Editor Ha! Very fun. Although I also greatly admire Weird Al's genius, and this is right on target for me. Not much to say on this one. The beats are all there, and very true for editing. Seems like you've hit a similarity between authors and poker players!

I think that's right? It's been a while. Also fun (for me) to think back through all the "groups" that have been on here. We've had 3-4 "core" groups since I've been on this forum, but the current one is definitely the strongest and longest lasting. (Apologies for being a ghost lately. Between recording the audiobook for Facets and dayjob stuff, I've been busy.) We don't pull punches with critiques, that's for sure. I think that's one of the defining parts of this forum. It helps you get better fast, too! Though I will say, there is a difference between being sensitive and reacting to prejudice. The latter we do not put up with, and have had a few members in the past who were encouraged to exit because of insensitive remarks. But joking around, sarcasm, and mild ribbing is fine, as long as there is respect!

Not a whole lot to comment on. I think these chapters have a lot of tension, which is definitely needed at this point. However, they also show off how naive and ineffective the revolutionaries are. I still think S is one of the weakest characters, when she needs to be quite strong as an antagonist to both Ir. and the B.K. Some better foundation in what the revolution is doing or the successes it's had would be good. Notes while reading: Ch 25 pg 1: "her guard duty began" --maybe WRS, but when did she go on guard duty? --ah, explained further down the page pg 1: "sharply decreasing reserves of magic" --we still need some indication of how magic reserves work and why/how she is low pg 2: "few who wanted into the palace" --"there were few..."? --also, there seems to be quite a lot coming in, despite saying there are only a few. pg 6: "number of resignations the palace was facing" --from what? The riots? The king being from the feylands? pg 6: "However, we can’t ignore its effectiveness.”" --I mean, really the gate seems like a perfect place to put Ir. permanently. pg 8: The sidenote at the end of the chapter is nice, but I really want to see more of what the B.K.is doing with all this planning. Ch 26 pg 8: "She swung her hands back and forth, humming " --isn't she still injured from the attack? I can tell you from personal experience, she's not going to be doing anything quickly for a few days with bruised or broken ribs. pg 10: "but today he’ll be executed for the attempted murder" --I mean yes, but that's sort of the point, isn't it? Did S expect there to be no complications and for the assassination attempt to work easily on the first try? This adds to the other evidence that the revolutionaries really have idea what they're doing. S even knew Ir. was working in the castle, but sent someone in using a false name. pg 12: “I want to know why I’m here. Really here" --I think this is something that's been missing the whole book. pg 14: "Please, he didn’t deserve this" --again, these people have been through literal war, so we've been told. Not justifying G's death (though I do think they expected more than was possible), but they would likely have seen a lot of this previously. pg 16: ", but Ir only felt the absence of her sister." --she's been estranged from S for a while now. I wouldn't think that was the bigest thing on her mind.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! Congrats on putting your work out there. It's definitely a big step. On to the story. It was fairly easy to read, but I wasn't really drawn in. A lot of the dialogue felt flat and/or juvenile, especially with using words like "guys." There also wasn't a lot of reaction to events that were happening. Basically a one-man ball of death takes out an entire space fleet and no one blinks an eye. We also don't have a lot of insight into the character. He seems invincible and shrugs off all danger, and also has access to the best tech. He doesn't really need me rooting for him, because he's already won. M is a little more interesting, in that she's struggling to get the job done, but she also succeeds in the end, so there's not a lot of tension. These few chapters already have a pretty solid stopping place, and it almost seems like a self-contained short story. I'd be more drawn in by a threat to (any) of the characters, or an undercurrent of tension. Right now there's not much to make me keep reading. Notes while reading: Prologue: --Almost every paragraph starts with "she" or "her." This may be a sylistic thing, but it makes reading a bit monotonous. --I scanned down into chapter 1 and this seems to be consistent with the further story. Try to vary your sentence and paragraph structure more. It will make the writing a lot more interesting. --The concept is interesting. These people are being controlled somehow, but like many prologues, it doesn't really give me a whole lot to latch on to. We don't even know the woman's name. I'm wondering what this adds to the story that can't be shown in later chapters. Much of the experience is direct sensation by the woman, which tell us how she feels, but not a whole lot about the story. Ch 1 pg 4: "were covered in a black suit made to protect him from vacuum" --so...a spacesuit? Why not say that? pg 4: "made his Grav boots increase the weight of gravity on the window." --that's...not how gravity works. It would be the force or pull of gravity. And the interaction is between the two things, in this case his boots and the window, not on the window. --Also, I'm wondering how thin the glass is (and why glass is being used at all) in order to shield against vacuum. If a person can break it by increasing gravity without squishing themself into a ball, the ship or whatever would be swiss cheese from space dust. pg 6: Most of the gadget descriptions have an infodump attached to them. pg 6: "but his coat absorbed the energy with no issue" --There's a lack of stakes so far. He can't be touched and everything he does is super effective against his opponents. I'm waiting for something challenging or exciting to happen. pg 7: "She reloaded her rifle" --wait, we've skipped POVs here. Ah...there is a single line separator. There needs to be more indication of a switch in POV> pg 8: "The two Space Hosts teleported in front of the Royal Guard and lifted them in the air with their telekinesis." --then why were they wasting time randomly firing without cover? Better yet, why didn't these two lead the charge and just teleport to wherever they needed pg 8: "a weak spot on the helmet." --like...a manufacturing defect? What is this? pg 8: "the entire Royal Guard unit laid dead at their feet." --still no sense of tension for me. pg 8: "Both of them were legends, though most people didn’t know about Q." --then how is he seen as anything, much less "the greatest criminal of all time?" pg 9: "The guy was" --there's been at least two references to "guys" which is both vague and doesn't sound very professional. pg 10: "be insulted that you just took down a unit like it was nothing " --still no stakes. pg 10: the chapter ends with an infodump about the drug. Not really pulling me into reading more. Ch 2 pg 11: A third POV in 8 pages means it's hard to make a connection with any of the characters. pg 11: "What?! Guys, what happened to him?” --Another instance of "guys." Also, most of this page is a rehash of what we went through last chapter. pg 12: "How could he take down a starfighter? Is this Q?" --I thought the Sources were making sure no one knew about him? pg 12: "The rest, find that guy" pg 13: "The Space Benders" --who are these? pg 13: "sucking him out into space." --I don't think this chapter is necessary. It doesn't give us any new information. Ch 3 pg 14: "his spacesuit protecting him from the vacuum" --As they are designed to do... pg 14: "He mentally increased the strength of gravity and broke through the window" --I guess technically that's correct, but I wouldn't trust these windows on a space vessel. pg 15: "killing each one of them with a shot to the head" --are the fighting back? Is he completely invulnerable? So far, he's not a very interesting hero, because he's never in any danger. pg 15: "This stopped being a game a long time ago." --I mean, it seems like a game to me. He's basically playing in god-mode. pg 16: "take a while" --a day? a week? five minutes? pg 18: So basically everything was successful with this job and the thieves got all the goods and everything's fine. Is there more story to this? I might just put the book down here if I was reading it. It's fairly tied up. If this is an entire book, there needs to be some sort of inciting incident by this point to pull the reader in.

Overall, I think this is stronger than the previous version. I had some questions about the specifics of J's backstory, where either I was missing details or it didn't make sense. S is a very frustrating character for me, especially seeing how overall good the B.K. does at ruling. I want her to espouse some sort of reasonable objection, because right now the whole revolutionary movement is sort of a strawman. I'm with @ginger_reckoning on the part with finding T being frustrating. Especially since she seems to give the guards extra money(?) and then right after a sentence about her praying for T's safely, they just find him at home. I like that Ir. is more proactive, but maybe there needs to be a section about tracking down T as well, or at least a larger gap between finding S and finding T. Notes while reading: pg 2: "What I didn’t know their father was" "What I didn’t know WAS their father was" pg 2: "risk the lost allies when word got out." --why would he lose allies with a blind son? And how does blind equate to mentally disturbed? pg 3: "Probably hoped I’d die without a spot of blood on his hands for investors to tut over." --again, what does his son have to do with his business? pg 4: "gave me a job as a musician" --so I guess this is the B.K.'s default for people involved in political secrets? I suppose L was an officer in the Navy, and M was a secret shipping magnate? pg 4: I have no idea what relation Pem. has to Them., Far., or Dar. pg 4: "her magic was back" --did it go away? She hasn't done any naming lately has she? pg 5: Having some more experience now, a lockdown of three days doesn't seem all that bad... pg 5: "They were bent with exhaustion, no longer polished but covered in filth." --After only three days? Maybe if it was a week and they had no replacements, but it's a fully functioning castle. If nothing else, there are people to clean their armor/clothes. pg 6: "The stonework, instead of sparkling in a million shades of cream, were grey and white like ashes" --were there citywide fires or something? I would have expected a lot more destruction, then. pg 8: "The jail was close." --so wait, did she go to S&T's house or not? pg 10: "a tin lore" --what is this? Currency? pg 11: "before taking out her last lore" --why did she pay them more? She'd already gotten all the information she needed. pg 12: "prayed T was safe somewhere." "falling into her husband where he sat at the kitchen table" --Ah, well that was easy. Immediately kills the tension of "will they find him" to just go home and find him there.

Overall, I think I liked the first version of this better. I still don't think the prologue is necessary, and now the first chapter is rather jumpy and I think actually dives into the action TOO fast. Taking some of the banter between the three friends, and a bit more explanation about his father and general life would be better at setting the scene before the inciting incident. Right now, the father is basically fridged and we have no idea where the sword came from or what V's character is like. The fight scenes are...fine. They are short and bloody, but I'd rather know the character of the people fighting than seeing them hack each other up. Knowing WHY someone is fighting can actually be more exciting than the physical fight. Notes while reading: Prologue pg 1: "You know we cannot. Even we are not all powerful" --can't take the blades back? I'm wondering why this is so hard... pg 2: "giving them your trinkets" --So the blades seem to be physical things. I'm not sure how hard it would be to round them up and take them all back. pg 2: “I cannot do much, however. My power, too, has waned.” --A lot of this seems to be maid and butler dialogue. I'm not sure we need it all in a prologue. We could probably get these facts sprinkled into the story and it would flow better. pg 3: "It came out as a sob. He was surprised to find his cheeks were wet with his tears." --I'm not sure why he's so emotional over getting a book. Ch 1 pg 1: "The Blade was burnished orange in color with a long, elegantly curved blade" --awkward first sentence. Maybe "The long, elegantly curved Blade was burnished orange." pg 1: "Never heard of a Smith with a dragonfly" --what does his mean? Is there a dragonfly on the blade? pg 1/2: most of this is just talking about the blade, but we don't really know anything about them. I liked the character development of the first version better. pg 2: "should have had First Meal ready" --Could probably just call breakfast breakfast. pg 2: "pulled F.d. from behind his belt" --Wait, so it does have a name? I thought it hadn't told him yet. pg 4: "Wasn’t even his son? What did she mean by that?" --hearing all this second-hand is anticlimactic. I'd prefer if V. was directly involved in finding out this information. pg 4: "All he could see was the look in his father’s eyes as he died." --he's dead? From the description, it seemed like the knife hit over near his shoulder--not something fatal. pg 5: "I will have you stuck in three blows." --what does this mean? pg 5: "V. looked down at his father’s corpse" --I think we need some more emotion from this. pg 6: "what’s going on?” He couldn’t come to grips with what was happening" --I am also sort of confused. pg 7: "V. gave her a defiant look, but he knew that this was not a time to be arguing" --Ah...I'd be arguing. His entire life was just upended. I'd think he would want a few answers before going off with this strange woman. pg 7: "piss soaked trousers --when did this happen? pg 8: "The path will not be easy, he thought," --this seems sort of like a sped-up version of WoT or LotR. I feel like we missed some introductions and a bit of plot on the way.