Mandamon

Overall, I like seeing more of this story, but I feel like it needs to be more focused. As @Sarah B said, chapter 3 has a lot of the same worldbuilding as ch 2, and it seems repetitive. I was expecting S to show up somewhere else, but then they are with E at the end. I thought they were going somewhere they hadn't been before? Is the plot going to be stopping the Altzi's from taking over? Because that's what it seems to be right now. For me, seeing the Altzi's now that segment of the population is basically getting their own political party, this actually rings very true that people like this would survive in the cracks of civilization. Sort of like The Handmaid's Tale. I think maybe if you change the name to some not quite so on-the-nose and maybe remove a bit of the over generalization, they would be effective foils. That said, I don't think anyone reacts to them strongly enough. See my notes below. I also had some other thoughts on genders. below, feel free to disregard if it doesn't fit with what you're thinking. Notes while reading: pg 1: Not sure we need a history of why and how E/M were hired. Is this important? pg 2: "the person they killed" --wait, that just escalated. There wasn't anything about them killing earlier. pg 4: "what happened last time there was a murder" --yeah, if murder is that rare, there definitely needs to be a big stink about E overhearing they killed someone. pg 6: I feel like there's a disconnect between what the A.Z's are plotting, E's reaction, and the fact that he doesn't tell anyone what he's heard. Like he's focusing on the wrong reaction or something? If they don't have a jail, shouldn't he be alerting the elementals to remove these men from their land to keel them from killing again? pg 7: "But they think if enough of us suffer tragic accidents" --okay, so this seems like a much larger issue. These people are also invited to nunes? Do we know what that is, or is that WRS? I feel like no one is taking appropriate action against murders freely coming to the conference. --Edit, from later page it seems like Nunes is a big political conference? I can't remember if it's specifically to start or stop something. pg 9: "stop the Altzi’s from grabbing power" --I think the question here is, who is LETTING them grab power? pg 11: "they had no beard, and their hair shorter" --Just an idle thought here, and feel free to shoot it down: Since this society has made multiple genders so normalized, would it be better to have a defined third or fourth gender? There are a lot of people with they/them genders, which to our society is sort of an "uncategorized." I'm wondering if this society has evolved beyond "male/female/other" to "male/female/definition x/definition y/etc." pg 12: "genders shifted from time to time" --another example of this. Do they just shift between him, her, and they?

Similar thoughts to the others. I think the first 5-6 pages are good for developing character, but it goes on a bit. Could be cut down to get to the point of the chapter. S taking command is...questionable. It seems more like she's putting everyone in danger and then refusing to tell why or what she wants, and everyone's fine with it. Why are they not asking more questions? The parts with the computer are funny, but I also question why a computer would be set up to spread files all over the place. Seems like it wouldn't be useful for getting information Once the ship started getting sucked to somewhere else, I got very interested. I think cutting down on the comedy with the computer and having S give at least one reason for what she's doing will drive the reader to the hook better. Sounds like this will be a fun ride! Notes while reading: Pg 1: I like the epigraph. Good costs. pg 2: “Did you have to fly your spaceship against gravity both ways to attend school?” --this is awesome. pg 2: "ever" -> "every" pg 3: "There almost to" -> "They're almost to" pg 3: "had it play ‘I am unhappy’" --lol pg 5: I like the banter, but it's maybe getting a bit long. pg 7: "YOU SAID I WAS A PRIORITY" --hmmm, yes, but does that extend to kidnapping a 1/3 of the rulers of a planet without asking questions? I mean, maybe allow a few for that much. pg 8: "You’re allowed to have secrets" --yes, but again, when it starts to affect 5 or more people, maybe a little pushing is relevant... pg 9: "Do we have clearance for this?...N stopped talking." --hmmm...having some believably problems with S. continually asking for no one to question her. For most things fine, but she's potentially endangering people and breaking into classified documents, which could have serious repercussions. I think questioning that is pretty important. pg 10: "Text fragments of news reports..." --why would opening files be so chaotic? Wouldn't the computer system know to display them in an orderly fashion? pg 12: "Better not be pivotal plot points." --lol. Meta-Y. pg 17: "turning the tongue into a miniature laser pistol..." --this is a very strange computer system. pg 19: "The yellow line was a parabola" --sooo...did S pull them somewhere strange with that telekinetic pull?

I also think this is much better than last time! We still get a heavy sense of dread and tension, but not so much overly dramatic gore and the female characters even get some lines! The dialogue is probably the weakest point. This is hard to adjust because it's a hearing thing. Maybe read the dialogue out loud and see what you naturally want to say, rather than what's written on the page? The count is much better presented, and still threatening. The females are still the weakest part of the story. This almost reads as if it should be in M's POV, because she's the one who the count wants to take. By focusing on the son, we get the trope of the male rescuing the "weaker female." Probably need a few more chapters to see the true aim of the book, but that's just my impression from one chapter. Overall, a very good improvement! Notes while reading: pg 1: would be good before M. come sup to mention who's in the carriage. pg 2: I like that the tutor gets a mention early, but the intro is going on a bit too long now. If it's only a page or a page and a half before they get to the castle, I think that would work better. pg 3: the dialogue is still a bit stilted. You might try reading the sentences out loud and seeing if that's something you would say. pg 6: “May I use your privy?” --I think I figured out what was bugging me about this. Wouldn't they all have gotten refreshed after a long carriage ride? THEN it would be odd that he's asking for the privy at dinner, if they'd all just freshened up. pg 7: There's not really a point to the dinner. They have it, there's maybe suspicious ham, and there's not really any conversation. pg 8: "You can’t possibly believe him, can you, father?” --is there some reason he wouldn't believe him? Yes, the Count is suspicious, but does that mean being a priestess is rare? Is it strange that they are looking for priestess volunteers? pg 9 “But he won’t even give you a name!" --ah, this was missing. Make this part stronger pg 9: "I don’t trust the Count." --why not? Giving some examples or reasons here would help. pg 10: The count getting rid of the driver is great and is a great example of why not to trust him. pg 11: Good tension in drawing the baths and getting ready for bed. There's definitely something wrong, but we don't know what. pg 13: "but you did not eat the meat." --Aha! Nice. pg 14: Good end to the chapter. Makes me want to read on to find out what's going on.

Fine with me!

I think that helps a lot. Having the backstory in a previous chapter will go a long way to setting this one up. Ok, yeah, with THOSE plans, I think hints of romance here are entirely appropriate!

Much cleaner version! Which of course makes it easier to find other problems... I have two new concerns with this chapter: 1) I feel like O's backstory needs a little more oompf. "I want to be a hero" doesn't really do it for me as to why she'd be stuck in a ship for six years (see notes below for more musing). It also sort of sets her and A up for a romance, which I don't think is the intent. This leads into the second issue... 2) The timeframe seems off here. I presume this is after the trilogy, and O has been actively searching for information, but doesn't know about several of the largest events in the chartered systems in years? I feel like there needs to be a little more explanation for why she hasn't found anything until now, if she's been searching while all this stuff was happening. The interaction between O and the K is much better, and makes me want to see the two of them meet up again later. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Always like epigraphs! pg 5: "It wasn’t like she was going back to the Guard." --Do we have any reason for her leaving? pg 6: "FILLAMENT" -> "FILAMENT" pg 6: "Heroes didn’t do macabre." --maybe one or two more sentences on why O. wants to be a hero? Or maybe that will come later in the chapter. pg 6: "this mission" --which is? Find P? Finding A? Something else? pg 7: "It was a picture of..." --Aha. Here is the explanation. So is this not present day then? Since we know from the other books what happened with the planet A... So she's trying to bring A back to N. Fine, except this mission seems very similar to why A left the planet in the first place. Basically, prove Ar is real. Not sure exactly what I'm flagging here. Maybe O needs to have a slightly more enticing reason for leaving? Like, this is currently reading as the beginning of a romance between the two, and this is contradictory to the story already told in the trilogy because A got her HEA. pg 8: "It had found..." --I think you could cut back on some of this. We've already got a good idea of what's floating around, and this seems repetitive from the last section. pg 9: "laying down row after row" --sorry, quick 3D print rant. This bugged me last time too. Is this saying it's laying down the liquid as well as the solid? That just seems like you're going to have a big puddle when it's finished. Wouldn't it make the glass and then pour the liquid in? pg 9: "which she’d be passing by in another half hour at her current coast" --That's a quick coast... pg 10: "Stellar ship name" --pun intended? pg 14: "Another head floated past" --was that the "head"ing change? I'll show myself out... pg 14: "six years in a settee" --So I'm guessing the story is that O has been searching for this long and hasn't gotten information about the events of the trilogy. But if she's been gathering information, how could she not know about it? I would think news like that would travel a long way. pg 17: the tow line snapping works a lot better. Much higher tension. pg 17: "fail this spectacularly" --also wondering that. Seems like she'd have heard something. pg 20: Good ending.

Well, @kais said exactly what I was going to! No surprise there. I think you have a false promise at the start of this story. It's going to be A Race! With Excitement! Hairpin Turns! Thrills! And instead the whole race is cancelled after the third page and we don't get any resolution to that plotline. Bigger stakes needed. WHY are they running the race? What happens if they don't finish? Does L have a down payment on the cybernetic implants and they'll be repossessed if he doesn't get prize money? Second, there's no real "protagging" at the end of the story. Z makes an effort to get L settled and not completely dying, tries to go outside to flag down help....and gets scared by a crocodile and then they just get rescued. I want them to escape (literally) from the jaws of defeat! Better yet, I want to see more race, with other daring and villainous pilots. We don't see other ships here, and we don't even get a good description of the titular one. I actually like the title, though it's not very informative. But you learn it's the name of the ship on the first page, which again promises that this will be about the race, not about a crash and a canceled race. A good start, and I want to see it again with everything turned up to 11! Notes while reading pg 1: "mushing her curls" --throws me off because I'm expecting "smushing" pg 1: good first paragraph. pg 1: "likely have a low enough time" --took me a couple reads to get this. Maybe "short enough time?" Dunno. pg 2: “Two hundred loose six..." --Can't decide if I like the jargon or if it's too hard to decode. pg 2: "They were weaving too fast..." --good tension. She has to rely on L to guide her and she's flying blind. pg 3: "The g-forces pushed Z and L into their seats" --I for some reason thought L was guiding her from somewhere else, but looking back, he's definitely in the ship with her. I think it was from saying cyberntics can't fly that I assumed he wasn't present physically. pg 3: "balanced on the right wingtip." --Two questions starting to rise up at this point: 1) What does the ship look like? Small, large, enclosed, etc? I'm almost imaging podracers from the context, but I'm suspecting it's a bulkier ship 2) Is L just reading off instructions from running the course previously, or is he relying on sensors? If it's premade, how is he compensating for speed and air changes? pg 3: "They had to eject!" --this feels too early to me. They just started and haven't done much to correct for the issue yet. pg 4: "Pain laced up her left leg" --Wait, did they crash? Definitely need more in here. Also, this would be another good place to give some description for the ship. pg 4: "the sky to the left and black water on the right" --more description of the course would be good as well. I was Imagining a canyon run or something, but now I'm not sure. pg 4: "Judging from the water level outside of the window" --So were they flying over water? How did they get there from the canyon? pg 5: "didn’t have a breathable atmosphere" --the hull was breached, right? So I assumed they were both in full pressurized suits. Is the oxygen because of a leak from L's injury? pg 5: "less than four feet wide" --finally some description! pg 5: "didn’t seep through her shipsuit" --I should hope not, if it's airtight! pg 6: "he looked so young" --I had assumed he was older than Z... pg 6: "or because of the worsening weather" --if the weather was bad enough to ground everyone, why didn't they delay the race to start? I'm sure the control tower could see if coming... pg 7: "the respirator system wasn’t operating" --aren't their suits self-sustaining? --ah...I think this is answered by the next few sentences. pg 7: "then I get your chair" --not sure what this means. Is he getting to higher ground? pg 8: "before settling her weight into her right leg" --there's been a couple comments about her leg, but no reaction. Did it support her? Does it hurt? pg 8: "the canyon wall and a small island" --again, where exactly is this course? pg 9: "If her foot hadn’t been broken before, she was sure it was now." --definitely need more reaction here. pg 10: "That was when she remembered she hadn’t reloaded it." --hmmm..this almost seems like a cheat. Nothing was said about it before now. pg 10: "righten" -> "right" pg 10: "If only she had managed to attach that flag" --yeah, I'm not convinced a person with reactions used to split-second turns would have thrown a flag that was supposed to save them at a creature... pg 11: "now entirely submerged" --like...over his head?? pg 11: "his oxygen levels were still strong" --buuuuut...isn't he the one with the hole in his suit? pg 13: "“I’m taking K to Earth." --Who's K?

I have a similar reaction to the others. I don't get a clear enough picture of what the purpose of the story is. This first chapter wanders a little bit. It starts out with S and E, and I thought I would be about them, but E is sidelined for the rest of the chapter and S goes out to rescue (why is she the one to rescue people?) Ambassador Morgan Freeman. There's some conflict with people getting taken over my elementals, but not a lot, and the Ambassador MF seems to just be shaking his old fist at these kids (women) and their technology. I didn't get the impression that there was anything that could start a war, but that might change in later chapters. Overall, I'm interested in the story, but I think this chapter could be tighter and a little more exciting. Is this Fruits? I have not read that yet. I need to. Lol. yes, this is Fruits. Turning dead bodies into fertilizer is just so convenient! *looks around for FBI descending...* Notes while reading. pg 3: "made them trail" --not sure what this means. pg 4: "they thought ambassadors were religious zealots" --who does? The women living on solar barges? pg 4: “Maybe I should go check on him,” --starting to get lost here. Do they think Ambassador F is missing now? I thought he was only delayed until dinner? Are they the rights ones to go search for him? pg 5: "before the floor" -> "before the flood" pg 5: "A sloop loomed ahead of them" --how did they know where it was? pg 7: "one of their duties was rescuing people who were in trouble in rough water" --I think this might be good information to have before now. I've been wondering why S is the one to do this. pg 7: "I would make that man leave my waters instead" --makes sense. But then that still begs the question of why S is the one to help. pg 7: "but she wanted S to see him." --okay, that makes more sense, but this is a "tell" not a "Show." Would be better if we could find this out during the story. pg 8: "he looked old enough to have been alive before the flood." --That is definitely Morgan Freeman. pg 8: "the boat lurched, spun around, and shot towards land" --soooo...why was it necessary for S to come out here? Maybe if they saw the witches, that might be worth it. pg 8: funny that the witches are the ones that use technology and everyone else uses magic... pg 10: "They were pretty sure they got all the information A wanted them to..." --you might be able to cut this. It's pretty clear from context. pg 11: "and the elementals had decided..." --so the elements have shown they have no problem with the witches. If they are controlling the population so much that there are no murders, I'd think they can make it clear the witches shouldn't be disturbed. pg 11: "If humans waged war on each other again, She would kill them. --so is this is, like, a test or something? pg 12: "The sky was darkening. A storm was coming" --I don't feel like this is "a storm is coming" type tension. This is more "old man has a problem with the kids and their newfangled technology" tension.

I agree! This prologue is definitely not YA paranormal romance! On general principles, I would question if that's the correct approach, since you'd be throwing the reader for a loop when they've picked up the book wanting a specific thing, but I'd have to read more to get more context. Questions: 1) Yes, engaged, though I personally don't like present 3rd POV. Descriptions come across as jarring to me. 2) It seems pretty clear B is some sort of magical Fey that cannot lie, or connected to them, since she dances around that part. The denial works well to keep my interest and keep the mystery up. 3) I would want something with at least one of these characters mentioned in the first couple chapters. Not knowing who the main characters are (maybe the son and the girlfriend?) I'd have to read more to see. 4) I think it's more of "a queer has died" that "killing your queer," if that makes sense. What stood out more was that B had been in a queer relationship (and is possibly trans?) . I was wondering the whole time why she didn't cure her wife if that was possible, but I'm assuming that will be part of the plot? 5) Definitely! Notes while reading pg 1: The present tense, especially with 3rd POV, is a bit jarring, but then that's a personal preference for me. pg 2: "if this noble university" --"IN this noble...?" pg 3: "A single nervous twitch that most people couldn’t catch." --Why couldn't they catch it? People are really good at seeing body language, especially if they're trained. pg 3: "Magic that can be used to cure any disease." --which is odd because her wife died...but maybe something's coming about that. pg 7: "The boring part about being able to shape the world to his will is that he always knows what’s going to happen" --Confused. Is this because he's rich and powerful, or has some magical ability? I can't tell from the context.

Congrats on the first Sub to RE! I think the others pretty much nailed the problems with this. You have good pacing, and by that alone I was kept interested in the story. However it does read as almost a satire of Gothic stories. Haha thank you for your feedback, it's great to have these flaws pointed out. Unfortunately, I'm not trying to write a silly trope book lol, nor is it specifically a gothic horror. I wanted to illustrate the darkness of the story; in my first draft I didn't have any gothic elements, but I'm wanting my story to have more adult themes, so I thought I'd start it off with more horror so that readers know what this story will contain. The rest of the story is more like an innocent YA fantasy book. So there's a clash I'm looking forward to having torn to pieces. Probably doesn't help that a lot of my inspiration comes from comic book-type stories. Yeah, if I was picking this up blind, I'd be waiting for the other shoe to drop in the next chapter where we find out this is a satire of Dracula or something where the women are intentionally sidelined and the protagonist has no personality on purpose. You definitely have the horror down, but I think the lack of character reactions is what's making me go to satire. If we don't emote with the character, then horror turns into comedy. It's a fine line. You might try watching some movies like Dracula Dead and Loving It (comedy) vs. A Vampire in Brooklyn (comedy/horror), vs. Shadow of the Vampire or Interview with the Vampire (horror). (I'm picking vampires here instead of demons because it's easier, but you get the picture). See how the characters react to the situations in the movies and then compare to how your characters react. Also, for future entries, if they have this level of horror, I'd definitely tag to make sure people know what they're getting into. Notes while reading pg 2: "He cursed as he righted himself on the bench next to his daughter," --oh, there's even more people in this carriage... pg 2: "the Mrs. L" --is this the daughter, or a wife, another person in the carriage? pg 2: "had these thoughts as the gate swung mysteriously inward" --Don't really need to label them as thoughts. Also, definitely getting a vampire-y vibe from the castle. pg 2: "diverging the driveway --splitting the driveway? I don't think this is the right word. pg 2: "“Welcome, the affluent Mr. L..." --that's...a weird appelation? pg 3: "emphasized his cruel demeanor" --welp, no mystery there! pg 4: "the entire immediate family" --I'm still not sure how many people this is. Is there a wife, or just a daughter? pg 5: "how pretty she is.” --ick. pg 6: "Did the Count C keep tortured slaves in some forgotten dungeon?" --and...the privy opens into the dungeon?? pg 7: "his parents bed" --okay, I guess there is a wife? She just doesn't get a mention? pg 9: "His parents hung from shackles" --so.....why? This seems to be very gothic, and is pretty tense, but I'm not quite sure what's going on yet. pg 9: "a monstrous creature emerged" --okay, well the story is consistent at least. pg 9: "but their eyes suggested they’d seen this form before" --eh? If they knew this, why did they come? pg 10: "His despair must be entire.” --again...why? pg 10: "He’d disappeared two weeks ago" --and he's just stepping out of the shadows now? That's not suspicious... pg 11: "“I have sent her to my master." --I thought the count was pretty much the top of the heap. pg 12: "I am one such augmented" --okaaay. I was not expecting superhuman powers for some reason. pg 13: "The guard’s arms flew apart." --like...off his body? pg 14: "In C Manor, the captain..." --oh, this is a weird POV shift. Usually there's a break to show what's happening.

I'm pretty sure all the Ne got upset in book 3 when the forests were burning because they could hear the tree screams. I think this is canon? Yep! I remember this now.

This was a nice, tight, little vignette. Although, we've heard about this scene several times before already. I suppose if it comes earlier in the story then those sections get turned into reminders. On to the questions! A) I'm not sure. This gives us the connection between G4 and A, so it really helps to prop up when they meet again. At the same time, it could almost be a couple paragraph flashback, and take out the stuff about G4 being late, because it doesn't add all that much for now. B) I agree with @Robinski. I think this should the very start of the book if it's included. Then the meeting between the two is more poignant. C) I would say either have it as the intro as is, or shorten it greatly to become a flashback maybe when the two meet up again. You also have a couple flashback chapters now, which is becoming a pattern. Are you planning to have multiple flashbacks throughout the book? Because just having two might seem weird. Notes while reading: pg 1: "slip and into the river" --missing/extra word pg 1: "oversaturated...overripe" --Word placement is a bit repetitive pg 2: "where the old G4 had gotten to no one had told her, and she didn’t ask" --So the old G4 disappeared AND they added a ship? So they needed two new volunteers? pg 3: Nice to get a POV from another N. Interesting that G4 also dreams about Ard. Do other N's also do this? pg 3: "sounded, weirdly, like a sigh" --huh...so can she hear the trees too? pg 6: "Flying is a whipped joy." --that's a great comparison. pg 7: "Do you even remember..." --This is a big speech from kid At. Would this be more comparable to 17-18 for a human?

Agree with @C_Vallion that the POV is not a problem here, however I have some issues with how it's presented. The character's name first appears in italics, which made me think it was the name of a ship, and then wasn't repeated for another page, at which point I was confused. Also agree with this. Or. has a drive to find...something...DNA evidence, I guess, and literally has all the answers appear and helpfully try to talk to her, but she ignores that and lets him fly off when she's faced with incoming hostiles and a broken ship. Why not follow the K, and come back later? She was planning to do that anyway to repair at the planet. Also confused at the end by what happened. Did the ships blow up the other planets? Interested in this POV, but I think this section needs a bit of cleaning up in the flow of events to make sure it's not confusing. Notes while reading: pg 1: Because you said this is a new POV in the intro, I was prepared, but if reading this straight, I would have been confused and thinking this was At. pg 1: "rescue Ex." --so is this G4? pg 2: "Or brought her right leg..." --Oooooh. This is the name. It was italicized when I first saw it, and I thought it was the name of a ship. pg 3: "It was a picture of Ex" --It gets explained in this paragraph that this is At, but the multitude of names here might get confusing. pg 3: "though the woman’s child-name lingered" --would she have had another name between the two? pg 9: “The questions?” --I'm not sure why Or isn't just going with K. Isn't he the same species as the bodies outside? I don't understand why she isn't just asking questions. What's keeping her back? pg 10: "in big bold letters, it lists the following" --Wait now, the N holy text has had the name of all the other similar species all this time? That seems like it would have been followed up on before now... pg 11: "SHIPS IN RANGE HAVE ACTIVE WEAPONS" --yeah, I'm very confused why Or. didn't go with the person that had all the answers, to escape the incoming death ships. She could come back there later. pg 12: "Couldn’t find the coordinates" --Are the death ships sending this message? Did they just blow up the other planets? What's happening? pg 13: "The dredgers opened fire." --yeah, don't understand Or's choices here. She had a lot of easy ways out and didn't take any of them.

I enjoyed reading this, but like the others, I didn't see a lot of purpose for it aside from seeing T's character. It does provide a good introduction, but pairing this chapter with a more significant even might help give it a full arc. I think @kais covered the subtleties of the gender vs. sex discussion, but I do appreciate the species design. Making the specifics absolutely clear will help it be a great worldbuilding aspect and not a point of contention. I have to say, I actually liked T's POV better than E, but I'm wondering what is added to the story by seeing through T's eyes. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Fire was breaking out all over the station" --This seems like it's literal, but then the next line says they aren't. pg 2: "She had seemed like such a perfect choice, earlier" --we still don't know why she seemed so perfect. pg 3: I like the gender-changing based on temperament.

Interesting. I just ran the draft 0 first write of Facets through compared with the final version and it's only a 21-31% match (not sure which number you're looking at).

Much better! This is snappy and gets into the story quickly. I like it. I noted a couple confusing things that I noticed some others picked up on too. I think this gets us back into the set of secondary characters and off on an adventure! Awww, I always liked Nick, and I love the blue hair. Don't add anything! This is short and powers us into the next chapter. *rubs hands together gleefully* Yes, come to the dark side... Looking forward to more! Notes while reading: pg 1: "planar pirates" --Now I'm imagining pirates that only exist in 2D... pg 2: I like how you're doing the recap here, sort of a peppy narration. pg 4: "I hate you." --Yeah, I'd be pretty suspicious of this too. The Ris are not known for being free with information. pg 4: "REPRESENTS A THREAT TO THE GREATER CHARTED SYSTEMS." --Aha, there we go. That's the catch. pg 6: "DO NOT CROSS THE VOID. YOU DO NOT WANT WHAT IS ON THE BETA PLANE." --not sure what this means. pg 6: "our biometal incubation balls" --I assume these were the things in the prologue. Were this in the trilogy at all, or is this a retcon?

That works a lot better. Lets the reader know something's up, but don't worry about it yet.

That will work for me as well.

Yep, same as the others. With a fully fleshed outline, I've done around 800 words in 20 minutes that are not trash at all. I can expand that to close to 2000 in a little over an hour wiht only minor editing later.

I agree with the others: this is a lot cleaner. I think this serves as a good place to bring everyone up to speed before starting a new series. One minor grump: there is still the part about her neck itching that doesn't come up again, and I assume we're going to go 14 years forward after this chapter, so it seems like a question that won't get answered. Other than that, I think the reveal of G4 is strong enough at the end that we can assume a connection for the rest of the book, but understand why this relationship didn't develop in the first trilogy. Looking forward to more! Notes while reading pg 2: "scratched at it with all eight fingers from one hand." --a bit clunky, but it'll do... pg 3: "Those ratios are unacceptable" --what ratios? The number of trees that survived? pg 3: "Possibly because I wanted to see how close we could fly to a star about to go supernova." --I'm still wondering whether 1) she serious and 2) how they got away if the thrusters melted... pg 4: "biggest fugitive, remember..." --Good summary. This places N well. pg 5: "she risked insulting the m." --Why would she do this when she was just offered basically a blank check? pg 8: "Planes of aliens" --Not sure what this is referring to. Like, spaceships? pg 11: "The planet/the Biped" --This might possibly still need to be spelled out more transparently for new reader, or even for old readers, to remind them of the naming convention. pg 15: "The president has finished his meeting" --wasn't it supposed to be an hour?

You know, I could write all this again in different words, but the above is everything I came here to say. Looks like everyone's pretty much on the same page with these chapters not really needing to be here. There's a story, I don't remember whether it's Stephen King or Isaac Asimov, or Harlan Ellison or someone like that, but they were submitting a short story for a magazine and didn't notice.half the last page was cut off. It was accepted and the editor thought it was a great story. This is like that. Notes while reading pg 1: "kissing him in the way of greeting." --Something about this seems off... "By way of greeting?" pg 1: "a secret that had been haunting her for the last month" --I don't know why she would keep this a secret. She's been out of the city now, and knows it doesn't take that long to get other places. Wouldn't J have the ability to transfer to another town? Also, isn't TBK leaving anyway, so wouldn't he take his court musicians with him? pg 1: "He treated every day like it was his last with her," --so...he does know, or he doesn't? pg 2: "play this via mail?” --so wait, who is leaving here? pg 2: "“What if I came with you, to C" --So the musicians are already going to C? Then doubly so, why is Ir keeping this a secret? pg 2: "“Are to.” -> “Are too.” pg 2: "I bet you a joury " --yeah, so J basically already guessed. There's no way this hasn't come up in the last month... pg 4: "I would kill to have a family like yours.” --I mean, they're not dead, they're just farther away. I feel like there's too much emphasis put on this, especially for a late teens/early 20 year old. That's the time when children usually get out of the house. pg 4: "you’ve been sitting on this for a month and you haven’t told anyone?” --yeah, I'm with J, here. pg 6: "their conversation two weeks ago." --hmm...no, don't believe it. Especially if things were out, the others would pester her to talk to her family. pg 10: Not completely sure I believe the setup with the brothers either. I mean yes, they'll be sad she's going away, but S had already moved out. They know older siblings leave. Would one of them be excited to get her bedroom? pg 10: "A year ago, she had been studying manically for the concert." --I thought the whole rebuilding took a year? This makes is seem like it took 1.5 or 2 years. pg 11: "You are not the nails holding them together. They are not a ship that is going to sink without you" --Yeah, I sort of which C had kicked this into Ir at the beginning of the book rather than the end... pg 13: "prevent a certain fisherman from injury" --I think this is the first really distateful thing we've seen from TBK for the whole book and for it to come at the end sort of sours my view of him. There either needs to be more of this before now, or not have this, I think... pg 14/15: Hmmm...and now everyone is fine with Ir leaving. What about the whole thing with her brothers being angry?

Fine with me!

These chapters hold up pretty well. But like @kais and @ginger_reckoning, I think this does go on a little long. I think the funeral is good, but could probably be edited down just a touch to hold only the most poignant parts. I think some of the middle space here is the "not letting the book go" part of the revision process. As @kais says, I could see the job offer moving to the next book, but I also think it provides a good bookend contrasting the beginning. I think this is where some of the confusion comes in. Ir. intends to go back to the restaurant, when we already know there's another offer coming. If you look at the MICE quotient, this is the "Milieu" part. Ir. starts at the restaurant, and the capstone is whether she goes to a new life or returns to her old one. I think the whole tone of the book is biased toward "changes" so it feels offsetting that she's going back to her old "home" ...Anyway, that was a lot of analysis to say maybe shorten the section about going back to the restaurant because we already know it's likely a fakeout with TBK's offer. I also thought this. The monarchy has money. 1.5 or 2x (or more) the offer is generous, especially as she has skills TBK really wants. I also like this suggestion, maybe replacing some of the setting with the restaurant with how Ir. grapples leaving the restaurant. Then you get a great jumping-off point for book 2 with Ir as a fish-out-of-water again with her new job away from everyone (with J, right? She's bringing J along with her?). Notes while reading: pg 5: There might actually be too much on T's funeral. He is, basically, a minor character, and we're very near the end of the book. This is a resolution for the revolutionary plot, but doesn't do much to resolve Ir's plot. By this point I'm ready to move on to what is next for her, especially so near the end. pg 6: "Only a few Revolutionaries cracked," --as in, they took the 10 years, or the execution? I'm honestly not sure which is worse. pg 6: "More than a year since troops had marched through the former capital’s streets" --I think something like this needs to be very clear at the beginning of the book, so this is just a reminder. pg 7: "Ten years would pass before Ir. would see her sister again. --which is also debatable. I'm sure there's a high mortality rate for the mines. pg 9: "has no heir, no queen-consort, no dukes, no legal line of succession." --this...er...seems like a very large problem that a person as resourceful as TBK would have taken care of with at least a note of who would serve as regent. pg 9: It does seem weird that Ir hasn't visited her friends since the lockdown, or at least sent a note that she's alive. Ch 38 pg 11: "felt older, worn, and somehow too large" --I think that's why this seems not quite right, with Ir returning to the restaurant. pg 15: Ah, maybe this is what seems off with this chapter. There's a lot of time devoted to Ir returning to the restaurant, when we know another offer is coming and want to see what TBK has planned. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop the whole chapter. pg 16: "She stepped out of his office, her heart breaking." --why? for the people she might be leaving? Seems premature.

Overall, I think I got caught up in the wrong plot for this story. I'm much more interested in Mom solving the problem with the village than the kids running around. This might be my problem as well. I don't read a lot of YA and almost no MG, so I'm mentally brushing aside some of the "crises" While that's an interesting idea, however I fear for the scenario where the reader is confused who is being talked about, especially since Lil would be another 'she' in the scene, and Wr would be another 'he', so there would be plenty of scope for confusion. Second this. I also caught the pronoun change and was confused. If J is using different pronouns, it needs to be absolutely clear they are doing this. Two main problem points for me: 1) I can't figure out A's intentions toward J. I know some of this is due to J's anxiety, but A seems to be genuinely fond of them for most of the story, but then quickly gets upset at their "failure" of not checking the gym and demands they make out to cover it up. I can't tell if this is a different emotional state for her alien species, or just mixed messages. 2) I think there is too much plot for an 8k word story. Before the end, this is expanding quite a bit into the "mom is curing villagers" thread so much that I thought the whole gym scene was a distraction. Now I'm thinking the mom storyline is actually the distraction and this is purely about hiding L for a day. I think one or the other of these plots needs to be cut down for this to work as a short story. Interested to read the rest! Notes while reading: pg 1: "squarish" --missing a word? pg 2: "A puts their hand on my shoulder" --did they read the journal, or are they telepathic? --ok, answered later. pg 2: "A is going to hate me" --aside from generalized anxiety, is there any reason for this? pg 3: there's the line about triangular pupils, but I think we also need a confirmation on this page that A is not human. pg 4: "Just beyond them" --we've been in the closet for several paragraphs now and it's only just being stated there's a third person. Might need this with the original description. --Also, here is the confirmation of non-human we needed last page. pg 5: "who probably secretly hates my guts" --there's still been absolutely no reason given for this. Maybe just an acknowledgement from J that it might be a unrealistic thought? pg 5: "thirty-nine hells" --it was sort of funny the first time, but this is the third or fourth high-number-swear and there was a different number used last time, which just sets my teeth on edge. pg 6: “He is much better behaved now.” --is this gendering of J accidental or deliberate? pg 6: "to where I tripped and almost face planted" --could probably remove this phrase and readers would still get it. pg 7: "Mom has already eaten my tree" --eh? The tree has already eaten mom? pg 8: "Why did you not check it" --didn't they come straight here from the closet? Or was there a time skip? Also, I'm not sure why they're so worried. It might be occupied by other teenagers who want to stay out of the eyes of adults. So why would they jeopardize that by giving L away? A hasn't showed such a quick switch in emotion yet, from gentleness to anger, so this is a bit of a jolt. pg 9: "at least two hours left of free time" --it takes two hours to cross the school? pg 9: "forty-nine hells" --ok, getting annoyed by this now. pg 10: "when they opened the door" --I thought they already opened the door? pg 10: "I’m okay with you touching me anywhere above the waist" --I would think a direct command would work better here: "you can touch me anywhere above the waist." pg 11: "My arms hand uselessly" --?? pg 11: "will hesitate before opening" --They've taken long enough that the group would have been well into the gym by now. pg 13: So this whole section in the gym seems a bit extraneous, like it's only in the story so A and J can make out. the gang takes a really long time to actually confront them, and I don't know that it moves the story along at all. I'm also not very unsure about A's actual motives toward J, combined with J's unreliable narration. pg 14: hmm...and they they're back to whether J's mom is ok. The whole gym scene seems extraneous. pg 14: "she gives enough of the antidote" --I had to read this several times. I think it was a one-off sentence that she was looking at an antidote? There needs to be more connection between this part and the previous section. pg 15: "gesture towards the crack in the door" --wait, confused. Are they still outside the gym? I thought they were going to J's room? --okay, I guess they were still in the gym? Honestly, I was much more interested in the fungus situation and thought they had moved past the gym scene.

Well, fortunately I waited a day before reading, so I got the whole thing at one time. We're getting into the story now, and things are settling down, but I definitely agree with @Robinski and @kais that the governmental setup is very confusing (I made a note about it while reading). Also agree, there is a lot of information in there and it has a very specific setup--not one that can be assumed by a standard space opera. I think (rather than a prologue) you may need to do a soft sort of info-dump in the first couple chapters to weave this information in, because otherwise the reader will be too confused by the time you get to the main plot to know what's going on. It would be pretty easy to put a line here and there in the first chapter when Ek confronts the emperor, something like "Why don't you let planets know about the X between you and them?" or when at the meeting in the second chapter have someone mention the logistics of communicating through layers of obfuscation the emperor has put in and that each layer only knows about the one above it. I'd second this. It rubbed me the wrong way as well while reading, both "it" and slavery. There are plenty of other ways to say they have been forcibly used against their will. I still don't understand why Ek was chosen over more competent possibilities, so hopefully we get that explanation soon. I also think a whole resistance group could have come up with a better plan than "hold all the representatives of the empire hostage" Still interested in the story, and interested to see where it goes! Notes while reading: (starting with the missing pages...) pg 1: "That made sense." --I hesitate to say anything about this makes sense yet. pg 1: "Almost like…God’s Tear." --Might be WRS, but this seems like a big jump. pg 1: "massive glowing tree, or perhaps an octopus" --you've already got the comparison to a tree with branches. I think adding "octopus" to this just confuses it. pg 2: "The question is invalid." --I don't think any of those questions were invalid... pg 3: using "it" for all pronouns is pretty confusing. pg 5: pinnacle, dominion, hegemony: I'm not sure what any of these represent yet. (continuing with second document on pg 5) pg 5: "Fire was breaking out" --"fires were breaking out?" From the rest of the paragraph, this seems correct. pg 5: "The one that had obstinately chosen a human gender" --Why is this an issue? That she chose a gender, or that she chose a human gender? pg 6: "crisis against those…monstrosities" --is this something we know about? pg 6: "If it all burned now because of some young human…" --This goes back to my confusion from last sub of why Ek was chosen. There's no real explanation given, and several other characters, including this one, seem to be better choices. pg 7: "Had we kept them hostage," --yeah, have to say that sounds like a terrible plan. How did they not expect that would bring instant war, instead of peacefully saying they've overthrown a despotic ruler? The logic seems off here.