Mandamon

No problem with multiple chapters. If you're around 5k words, you don't even need to ask to send out however many chapters fit in that limit. I think the additions here are good, and start to get more tension into the story at this point, but there needs to be more reaction. We quickly go back to the chapters and chapters of learning to play an instrument. I'd like more consequences of the spy escaping, and/or why the king is starting to get noble's names. Also why there's a surprise concert. Is he planning something? There could be a lot more intrigue to these middle chapters to set up what happens at the end of the book. Notes while reading: CH 17 pg 1: Talking about the mines and using revolutionaries for labor definitely brings more gray area to the B.K. Good addition. Need more of this! pg 1: Not sure why he's standing outside in the rain, though. He could have done his thinking inside. Did he want to get wet? pg 2-3: I think there needs to be more tension through here. The performance is in 19 days! She's going to spoil everything! But P. is just like, do what you can...oh well. Even if not a threat, then a "we really need you to do well. We're all counting on you." pg 3: I missed why they were in the library. We suddenly switch from the concert to looking for a spy translating things? pg 4: "She met the owl’s knowing yellow eyes" --Doesn't she only know that the spy's name starts with an "F"? Does it have to be this individual? Couldn't there be more names that start with "F"? --Good tension though, that Ir. lets F. get away. pg 6: I'm not sure why they think the B.K. is setting her up for failure. Doesn't he want to use Ir.'s ability? Why would he make her fail and by extension make her useless to him? CH 18 pg 8: Good that she's still worried about the spy. pg 8: "and indentured servants" --this is a big change from what we've seen so far with the castle. It's been a lot of people working hard at their jobs for what they believe. This completely undermines that. pg 9: "Although I wasn’t able to manipulate emotions until after the explosion." --So did he have a power before that at all, or was he a null? pg 11: This is starting to drag a bit. I know that's the emotion in the story, but it also makes it harder to read. We don't need to be frustrated along with Ir. at the monotony of learning an instrument, we want a summary that shows she is frustrated. pg 12/13: I'm glad her father has some sense that people are going to have to change under this new rule. However I feel like this might be something he'd have said early on when the B.K.'s rule was solidified. pg 14: 'She had spent all of that time believing that she had been hired to find spies. Now, she wasn’t so sure." --except she did find a spy--exactly what she was meant to do. Except she let him escape. pg 16: hmmm...I'm not sure the last section adds anything useful. We already know the king is collecting names and wants to use Ir for that purpose. Collecting an influential merchant or noble's name seems like an obvious extension of that.

Overall, I think this chapter is good, right up until the very end. I don't completely buy M blowing everyone off to run after her grandfather. I think this is a trick by the demon, right? But the reader doesn't know about it until later? At any rate, I think M needs a more compelling reason than "some hikers she doesn't know are probably already dead" to blow off a month of planning, and getting to see three close friends AND not telling them anything about it. If nothing else, she could at least say there was a family emergency with her grandfather. Notes while reading: I like the second epigraph. More targeted at the characters. pg 2: "felt her break their arm" --their -> her pg 2: "damaged Mom’s feet and the lower parts of her legs" --you could probably just say "damaged Mom's legs," unless there's a specific reason why her feet are singled out. pg 3: "Her and A flirt a lot." Her -> she pg 3: "about her identity" sounds a little awkward. Maybe just "about herself?" pg 3: "That’s because you’ll laugh if I tell you.” --Mom instantly guesses this, which is strange. Have there been other times M was infatuated with someone named after her father? Otherwise, his name might just be Snagglepus, or Slartibartfast. pg 4: "made any serious costumes" --"since" missing. pg 4: "and had" -> "and it had" Pg 5: Cool costume. I like the phone sleeve. pg 5: "M braced herself for whatever comment her mom would make next." --I don't think this is necessary with the previous sentence. pg 7: M says she's just starting to feel physical attraction, but the thoughts at the end of pg 7 are pretty detailed for "just starting." pg 8: "“Call him back and tell him no,” “Tell him to find someone else.” --I'm firmly with Mom on this one. I don't really believe M could just drop everything she'd planned for a month with being a lot more hesitant about it. pg 11: "Then they’re probably already dead." --Which means it's not as urgent to meet up with her grandfather, right? pg 11: "She didn’t tell him she wouldn’t be there tomorrow." --also not sure I believe this. How could he not connect her absence to what he directly called to as/tell her about?

Thanks for letting us know, and hope everything goes well!

Looking back to my notes on draft 2, since this chapter is basically the same, I think this is where I first started to get really confused on what the Fey were. Something I'm not sure was ever answered - what does a null have to do with the Feylands? Is it just that they can touch iron, or is there something else to it? This is also where I started to get confused on the country/city layout. I'm not really sure where Them. and Maith. fit with Pem. Are these all independent kingdoms? Is there a larger empire they belong to with the B.K.? Is there a larger continent? pg 6: was L. particularly cold or pompous? I don't really remember that. The part with J and Ir at the end really feels like a good start for their relationship, but as I can recall, from this point it sort of levels out and doesn't go anywhere. This might be a good place to lean into that a little more. Overall, the arc is still a bit light for these last several chapters. I think it would be pretty easy to pick the tensest moments out of them, but some of the fluff, and make this into one or two chapters about meeting the musicians and Ir starting a relationship with J.

There's also always unarmed combat, or some of farming-based weaponry used to defend against swords by Okinawan peasants (nuchaku, tonfa, staff, sai, etc...). Gives it a nice twist to be fighting with weapons specifically designed to be used against swords.

Very similar to the one I read! I think the back half of the chapter is really good and really gets the musician characters centered in the story. This is where I first saw Ir. and J as a thing, and their relationship could easily develop from here. The first half still has the problems stemming from the government worldbuilding. Two main problems I had are: 1) S. comes across as sort of a whiny privileged person. She regards being a revolutionary as a new hobby, to help out all the people who don't understand that they're oppressed. She reads as someone who hasn't really seen hardship, but just wants to protest change. Again, more setup with how the government works will help this. 2) The whole census thing. We've been doing various forms of censuses for thousands of years, all the way back to Egypt at least. Generally a census is regarded as a good or at least neutral thing, where the government learns where to send money effectively. The only problem here might be cataloging magical abilities, though they don't seem to be secret in this society. I just don't believe at the moment that there would be such a negative reaction to the announcement.

There's an interesting hook in here with the artifact getting stolen, but I'm sort of confused by people's reactions to each other, and the reactions in general. Several times there were weighted descriptions of reactions (like the one on pg 4) that didn't seem to mean much, or were hard to understand. I'm also confused by how At. goes blabbing about his job to everyone who can hear and is then surprised when he gets attacked for it, but then is suddenly suspicious of the people who are helping him. It seems inconsistent. Overall, an enjoyable read. I thing the reactions can be fixed fairly easily. Notes while reading: pg 1: "gawked aristocratically" --not sure I can picture this. pg 1: "revesced mail" --Not sure what this is either. pg 1: "But that had been before." --You already said this was when he was young, so I don't how much this sentence adds. It just makes me ask, "before what?" pg 2: "The admission came with surprising ease. Was it because he trusted H?" --It's pretty obvious he trusts H, because he's an old teacher and he's interjected himself in the conversation. Could probably cut both these sentences or replace with a more visceral reaction. pg 2: "gave me a job. A dangerous one" --he's saying all this stuff in front of the other people at the table? Should it be secret? pg 2: oh, so "revesc-" is a magic term? Ah. explained a few sentences down. pg 4: "The words carried a weight, as if they were significant to the man." --I'm...not really sure what this means. It was a simple question. Also, I guess there are people who overheard. pg 4: "We need to talk but he doesn’t know where to contact me.” --he's really trusting about just handing out all his information and a description of his work to a stranger. pg 5: "Do not go further." --That's pretty clear from the last sentence. pg 7: Ath. is quick to run after At. Might be more believable if they shared more than a few sentences. pg 8: "At. moved to stand between him and E." --Now he tries to block a strange from helping? Who knows medicine? Why? pg 8: “I don’t really have a choice, do I?" --he's trusted everyone he's met so far... pg 9: "Like all aristocrats, it seemed Ath could put on a show" --what show? pg 10: “Okay. I will help.” --he...wasn't asked to help and At. seems to suspect him (now, though not before for some reason...). There are some weird difference in trust in this chapter.

And @shatteredsmooth, right?

Welcome to Reading Excuses @Stevent! Looking forward to reading through the novel!

Welcome back @Alderant! Those are a lot of changes, and I'm glad you're coming through the other side now. Please know this is an accepting and supportive forum and we strive to make sure we are accepting of all. Finding things out about yourself is always a challenge. I came out as bisexual a little over a year ago, and I've been much happier since. Living your true self makes the world a better place. As @Robinski said, no pressure. Feel free to drift in and out, post or just critique, or even just have a discussion. We're here to help you become a better writer, and a more complete person.

Overall, I think this has some good additions to the story. It starts to set up the revolutionaries a lot better than the last draft, and I can see several threads that can be tugged out of this that will lead to more conflict later in the story. Definitely add some things that were missing before. pg 1: much better to have this summary of what she's been learning, rather than the original. pg 1: "Not a mouse or bird in sight.” --oh interesting. I hadn't thought of this in terms of spies. I wonder if the BK has an army of mice at his command... pg 1: Better setup with S. here. pg 2: "the spy is grey" --like, has a grey coat? So they're an animal rather than a human? --Oh, I see "old man" is included. I suppose that fits, but it's a bit of a stretch. pg 2: "Why was she doing this?" --what exactly is she doing? I'm not clear yet. Ir. is doing some sort of favor for S? pg 4: "forcing them into this position" --what position exactly? Having to practice more? pg 7: Good to get some details about the damage to the city. pg 9: "What’s his real name?” --good intrigue! I guess the BK is testing her then. pg 10: "As if that would ever work." --Lol. Also glad to see this.

From what I remember of individual school photos, yes. I think this depends a lot on the age of the school photo!

Similar reactions to @kais on this one. The new version is definitely better, but it's still missing stakes, and N's character reactions change during the encounter. She starts off hugging a demon, but then we find out she's actually using him as he's using her. I think making her reactions more consistent will help, and to introduce the why of her needing him a lot earlier so we understand why she's taking on such a risky job. Notes while reading: pg 1: "the boring classic kind that would be taken against a greenscreen with a photoshopped background inserted afterwards." --Would "classic" pictures be taken against a greenscreen? pg 1: "After glancing away" --nitpicky note. This sounds like she's looking for something else, when she's actually keeping the baby powder from her eyes. Maybe "turning her head away," or something like that? pg 2: "One side was slightly misaligned, but it would do." --this seems terribly flippant for a summoning circle, as does clapping the powder from her hands. Usually circles need to be exactly precise. pg 2: "wait for something - someone - to show up" --so did she actually DO any summoning? She just drew the circle and waited for something to show up. Usually there's a ritual involved. pg 2: "the devil" --demon or devil? Are there differences between the two? Asking for the sake of worldbuilding. Usually the devil is reserved for one individual, while there are a lot of demons. pg 3: "that summoning rituals" --Still don't understand this. She should be reciting this thing BEFORE the demon shows up, not after. Otherwise she's not summoning. pg 3: "His teeth extended from it’s mouth" --pronoun slip pg 4: "gave him a fierce hug" --She's obviously made preparations because she doesn't trust this demon, and they're going out to a business lunch, so choosing to hug him, rather than just greet him or maaaaybe shake his hand seems strange. Especially with all the spines, this demon just doesn't seem...cuddly. pg 4: "slip up and mention her friend's name" --this. I wouldn't want to hug someone that I'm afraid of mentioning my friend's name to. Nor would I really think it was good to see them. pg 5: "held the three ornate pieces of china she had inherited from my grandfather." --this seems like an obvious slip of personal information. pg 7: "in the entire Maryland" --Weird phrasing. Maybe "in all of Maryland?" pg 8: “Maybe I just wanted a lunch date. That’s not enough reason for you?” --With someone actively trying to steal her personal information? Not likely. pg 9: "Expensive items seemed that much more desirable" --the description of the car makes more sens now. Maybe you could put this explanation back there? pg 9: "His portion is somewhere a lot and piggish" --missing words pg 11: "Several hours of work should be plenty of time to extract the information that she wanted from him." --Aha. This is the first indication of a reason for N to have this relationship with a demon. She already indicated she's not rich, so I've been wondering what her angle is for taking such a risky job. This gives some indication, but would also be good to bring out earlier. pg 13: "G is like a massive mountain..." --so is he saying G is actually Hell? All of it? Or just a specific part? Nonetheless, I'm enjoying the bit of worldbuilding in here. It's a little on the infodumpy side, but pretty good. pg 14: "She resisted the urge to change her shirt," --this still reads weird. Maybe if it was resisting the urge to take her shirt off, instead. pg 15: "the World Wars and Vietnam" --another weird phrase. First, why would they being fleeing from a war? They're demons. Second, why mention these three and not the other wars? Maybe just say "the wars of the twentieth century?" pg 15: "She may want to know everything that she could about demons" --first, "may want" -> "may have wanted" --second, this tells us that she does want to know everything, but not why, which is the more interesting thing to me. pg 17: "She made sure not to hide the acid that she knew coated her words." --again, this is a big switch from hugging the demon when he shows up. pg 18: "But she wouldn’t, not couldn’t cut off ties with him. She needed him." --Again, good, but I want to see even more of why. Consorting with demons is a very risky proposition just to find out more about them. Even a hint of stakes here will help drive it home.

This works a lot better than the last version. There's a much more concise arc, and the chapter ends in a better place. There's also a lot more good emotion from the musicians when they're told they're training a novice. As to Ir. not questioning the events from last chapter, I think it could be weaved in here in a few side-thoughts from I. It doesn't need to overwhelm her, but maybe have her think something about it when telling them why she's there. Then come back to it next chapter. I think @Sarah B is probably right about the characters too. I know them from later in the book, so I didn't have trouble accepting them, especially J, but maybe a little more from L and M? pg 1: "thinking of blue and gold nights" --I don't think I ever figured out the significance of "blue and gold." It's mentioned several times. pg 1: "before dismissing whatever thought flew by her mind. It must not have been important." --if it's not important, it's not needed here. Unless it becomes important later, but I don't think it does? pg 5: "Why not place you in the full orchestra where you’ll blend in better?” --good question. pg 7: "No one had said this assignment was confidential, but obviously the musicians hadn’t been told much." -- I feel like if the king wants her to spy for him and not mess it all up, he would have been sure to tell her either to expressly tell the musicians what she could do, or not. He doesn't seem like the sort to leave this thing to chance, especially when it's this important. pg 7: “Why didn’t they tell us this?” --Another good question. pg 7: "I can guarantee he’ll join the court’s tour." --I think I missed this before. I though the only reason the court would travel is because they were going with the king. He's going to oversee all the new corrections, right? pg 7: "he’s a direwolf. Who would ever think of putting a foreigner" --Why is a direwolf a foreigner? pg 9: "Was he insinuating he had sold out his family? For the B.K.? The idea tasted bitter. How could anyone do that?" --I missed this the first time!

It's a sequence of Sanderson lectures where you write a novella at the same time. https://www.youtube.com/user/WriteAboutDragons/playlists

Awesome!

I have nothing to add as I know zippo about horses, but this was incredibly fun to read.

I personally don't have an issue with it, but I also worry that because we just read it, we also might be biased from our previous experience. So I think that as long as you know we aren't reading it with fresh eyes that it'll be fine. I agree. I'm not experienced enough in the group to vote. Although, since the group has been going on for 10+ years, it may have been attempted before. My guess that the reason why we don't go through Google Drive and instead use the forum is because there are a high degree of people who join and then...disappear. That's a pretty good assessment. Over the years, we've had a few little subgroups form (Write About Dragons, Alpha Readers) and generally the more dedicated ones drift back here after the others disappear. This format seems to hold up well, but there's always private requests if there's anyone you specifically want an opinion from. I believe the first rule of vampire club is don't...er...nevermind. Hey! Congrats! writing a draft in a year is really good accomplishment, and you show good dedication to getting another round done. I'm looking forward to the final product! And I guess a 6 month anniversary for RE is in order too!

Lol. Now I'm imagining a "true" Pegasus is this majestic Clydesdale-sized monster with 30-foot wings, but you only get a couple in the generation. The rest are donkeys with nubby wings and delusions of grandeur.

It'd be really fun if you got random throwbacks of wild horses with stubby wings, or maybe even some recessive genes from unicorns and dragons. Like some wild horses have little nobs on their heads, or scaly hides, and some have non-usable wings. Or maybe recessive ones every once in a while breed true and they have to send a party out to capture the pegasus for breeding.

I agree with @kais (as usual) that the stakes need to be clearer for Ir at the start. I made some comments on the full version about this, and I think a little more setup about the difficulties between the BK and the town they live in will help that, and will help the arc about the revolutionaries. Right now I don't know anything about them except that her sister and brother in law joined. I'm defining their organization by two people Ir knows, but I still don't know anything about the organization itself. I also marked the part about the iron. I still have a problem with a society using a deadly material for commonplace tools when there are alternatives that would nearly as well. It would be much more interesting for them to use a hardened wood instead of iron, or just replace bronze tools more often,or something like that. Notes while reading: pg 1: "S and T would have no reason to join the Revolutionaries" --did they join because of the fire? I though they were already planning to join. pg 2: "Instead, she pulled herself into a ball, coating her hair and clothes in sand," --This sounds like she's deliberately rubbing sand on herself pg 2: "the monarchy had her in their clutches" --"its" clutches? pg 4: I'm still not quite sure on using iron as a common material when most of the populace will burn themselves touching it. Weapons I can see, because that adds to the deadliness. But can you imagine making a shovel out of plutonium or something? You couldn't leave iron tools lying around anywhere. What if a child touched one? How do you clean them? I'd think the society would just accept the loss of strength and use bronze instead, rather than risk people injuring or killing themselves. pg 5: "Re-the" --Still don't know what this is. I don't think this name is mentioned later? pg 6: "‘organization’ is built on a system that the B.K. used himself" --I think I missed this the first time. It is? I don't think this is mentioned again. pg 7: "your…friends…are who they say they are.” --Glad we get a let more explanation at the end, but were they pretending their friends were something else? This seems to say there's some guild or organization that has a front, but is really revolutionaries. I'd like a little more explanation about it.

Overall, I have to admit I was mostly lost while reading this. Remembering from last chapter, the MC has a run in with a demon hunter, and then the demon kills the hunter? Maybe? Most of this chapter seems to be aimlessly wandering some city, though it's hard to say which city, let alone which state it's in. I had to go to G maps after a while to make sure I wasn't dreaming things. I thought she was in some sort of demon version of the world for a while, as strange things kept popping up, but then she just went to a concert and talked with her friends, though there wasn't any resolution of what happened to her last chapter. She did have a panic attack, which seemed to be more realistic, but then they all just kept watching the concert? Anyway, I had a hard time following things, and was confused at what arc this chapter had. I think we need a lot more explanation of why this person is working with demons at the detriment of herself and her family, before there is buy-in to the story. Note while reading: pg 1: " I found myself holding myself, and I forced myself" --awkward pg 1: "Regardless of what just happened, a promise was a promise" --wait, didn't she just see someone killed or something? pg 1: "passing what looked like a blue telephone booth," --is this the Tardis or something? pg 2: "Passing a glass pyramid set in the ground" --there are a lot of strange descriptions here and I'm not sure what's going on. pg 2: " I had discovered years ago that demons would go to quite the length to get what they wanted...there was no escaping him.' --Again, I have no explanation for why she's working with him. pg 3: "For my family." --I thought she was single? pg 5: "He stiffened further, if that was possible. “Get your grubby hands off of me,” she growled" --Should "she" be "he?" pg 6: The whole encounter with the other demon seems...random? Like the MC calls out to warn the guy and then sort of shrugs it off and keeps walking. She didn't try very hard. The last several pages have been sort of aimless wandering through the city. pg 6: "and there was no railing" --Is this going to be a plot point? Why is the MC calling it out? pg 8: "World Trade Center" --Sorry, I'm having trouble following the chapter because of the landmarks. WTC is in New York, John Hopkins is in Maryland, and Stratford University seems to be in Virginia. Fort McHenry also seems to be in Maryland? I'm confused. pg 8: "I thought you knew.” --knew what? That they were traveling out of state? pg 10: “Nobody said that you didn’t fulfil your word. I’m just saying that it’s ok if you don’t want to.” --sorry, I'm lost as to what's going on. The MC just went through a traumatic experience, and now these two are acting like it's some sacred promise that they meet today...for some purpose? Couldn't the MC just call and say "sorry--can't make it today?" pg 11: “The concert" --Oh, I guess they're going to a concert? I think I missed that while I was confused about geography. pg 12: “I have no idea,” S said airily. “They had good posters, though.” --wait, they don't even know what they're going to? How about drop that and attend to the obviously traumatized woman? pg 12: "wouldn’t be able to hear anything that wasn’t more than a single repeating rhythm" --I'm not sure what this means. pg 13: "The things I put up with from her!" --This is a weird turn from "I was assaulted a few minutes ago" to "why don't you think that random person is attractive." pg 14: "I kept trying to figure out what key the song was in, the tempo and rhythm." "realised that it sounded like the tenth movement of Messiaen Turangalila symphony." --Weren't they at a rock concert? Does the MC have some sort of brain damage that keeps her from hearing music? Sorry, I have no idea what's going on. pg 16: So I'm guessing L is her sister? Why is she smiling at the memory if she's kept her number from L? pg 16: "find out and use him against me" --So she's separated from her family because she's working with a demon? Again, Why?? pg 16: “I’m taking care of his axe for him.” --do what? pg 18: "I have a convention in Baltimore" --Except they're in New York because they passed the wreckage of the towers?? pg 18: " The one consolation was that demons usually left my friends alone." --demons plural? Now there are more she's working with? pg 19: "I protested, claiming that I was fine, I just needed to walk off my headache" --Usually headaches are cured by sitting down and not doing much.

Highlighting some things from when I read this... "dark waiting room, or the plain guard room. Instead, the bright, elegant room was filled with plants" --three uses of "room" in two sentences. "The B.K. reached for a stack of papers" "He began writing." --there are a lot of instances of things like this through the book. I'm guessing it's with telekinesis, but it sound like he's reaching or writing with his teeth or something. "All of this because she saved a unicorn from assassins." --on the one hand, I'm glad she's figured this out to push the story along, but on the other hand it's a very large jump. Wasn't the color of his coat disguised? She goes immediately from this to checking his name. I think this part can work, but it just needs another step or two in between. "She would never get to go home again." --not a lot of tension here, because she's already been home, and talked with her family while it was obvious the B.K. knew who she was. "So he had been paying attention, even while writing." --I think the whole "pretending to be busy" thing wears thin here. He called her in and presumably he's busy. I don't know why he's making her wait. “That is a name that will never leave your lips again.” --I feel like calling attention to this is the worst thing to do. He could have just never mentioned it, and she wouldn't be the wiser. There was no reason to think that name was special, and no one else knows it, so it's not like she could check on it. Also agree with @TheDwarfyOne that learning how to play an instrument will take a while. (I have other comments on this in later chapters. I think you handle the time well, but it brings up other concerns.) "Ir. did not feel the B.K.’s eyes following her through the door." --So then it wouldn'y be in her POV... I really like all the information and plot progression we get in the first half, but I'm not sure what function all the fuss about the secretary serves. Especially after something so central to the plot, it feels almost like a side story that doesn't have much to do with anything else. Overall, a good chapter, and starts to bring out some of the main plotlines.

Definitely!

It does! I made some notes on that. Should have the full thing back to you middle of next week.