TheDwarfyOne

Well, that's a name I'll definitely change! Thanks for the heads up. And also for editing your post. I'm thinking long-term in case it gets published. There's a reason Sanderson doesn't share much first draft feedback. You want people to see the finished painting, not reviews of its predecessors

Post midpoint is an interesting place for me to wade in. But let’s have a look. Notes as I go: P. 1 – ‘V’s response felt cold.’ This should be indented. P. 2 – ‘And I had been treating her shamefully’ – excellent characterisation, which suggests a well-meaning but somewhat studious, serious, ‘old-fashioned’ individual. Smooth transitions between geographic locations. P. 3 – Ah yea, definitely old fashioned, but tempered by consideration and compassion. ‘My lungs held their peace’ – this is a clunky phrase unless it means something in-universe. Do you mean he didn’t gasp? R and the MC are well characterised. I can instantly pick out their individual voices. P. 4 – ‘The genies’ is presumably an in-universe way of saying ‘genetics?’ ‘When labour came’ – labourers? Or a subcategory of ship crew like ‘engineering’? So far, a very reflective piece. Perfect for the post-midpoint point. P. 5 – ‘A miracle happened! She spoke.’ The sudden ecstasy after the serious-talk is a bit jarring. P. 6 – ‘Her diagnosis’ – I am interested in what this is and what it means for R, which means I have already built some attachment to her as a character. Good job! ‘Pulled her into a hug.’ Awwwwww. P. 7 – ‘I felt myyself sinking’ - myself. P. 8 – the writing is well paced. It feels drowsy and dream-like. Unless ‘Other Side’ is a recognised place (presumably considered real by the religion?) I’d steer clear of capitalising it. P. 9 – ‘Strange, alien maybe’ – hehe. Not much more to say, really. I enjoyed it - especially the second chapter. Carry on.

Some notes as I went: P. 1. Good to see her POV on why her mum’s a good-ish figure. The bathroom thing feels slightly weird to me. Instead of making it a blanket thing, maybe make it something she noticed happened once and wonder if it was deliberate? Or remove. ‘When the supernatural around.’ Supernatural underground*? P. 3. It feels a lot of things are described in dialogue, instead of playing out. We discover J thinks the room is bugged, there’s increasing tension with the mum – but it’s all spoken so far. How does he know she doesn’t like it? Is it an observation from the previous night? There’s a lot of strong dialogue, but also a LOT of dialogue. Doing a good job building to something – the pieces are on the board, being moved about. P. 6. Game interaction as metaphor for their relationship is good. P. 8. The vampire reveal could be better shown than stated – description of unnatural grace, ethereal beauty, apparent youth. People will put it together easily enough, and it can be verbally confirmed in the next chapter. P. 9. ‘M says in Mandarin.’ Same as last time. The ‘said in Mandarin’ ‘replies in English’ ‘speak Mandarin’ ‘say in Taishanese’ cycle breaks immersion. P. 10. The Irish and Italian segue seems out of place in a hostage situation. Would those really be important thoughts in that context? P. 13. The rules with vampires seem fairly typical – not allowed in unless invited etc. What’s your twist on these mythical creatures? Overall, this ends with a nice wee ‘we’re in this together,’ paralleling the previous division during the game session. The chapters chart a clear step forward in their relationship - divided towards teammates with common enemies. Not just against K's mum. These two submissions have suggested a quirk in your writing. You tend to tell, not show, through heavy pieces of dialogue. I'd be conscious of that during the editing stage, so that there's a bit more variety. Disclaimer - I've only read two submissions, so pattern-recognition is limited

Both great contributions, many thanks! @Appol PhD I feel this too. It's been bothering me, but I'm focusing on output over my past sin - multiple rewrites . I mostly agree with your other points too. @Paul SB 'No, you should not underline instead of using italics in a manuscript; always use italics unless a publisher specifically requests otherwise, as underlining is considered an outdated convention that can make letters hard to read and looks unprofessional.' Well, I'll be damned. People be people! Yep, but chocolate is also anachronistic. I'm going for a Medieval meets early modern vibe. Though even at that steel may be extravagant. To be honest I've no clue who the scuba diver is ahaha. He's loosely based off Jacques Dubois, the French physician. All other points taken under due advisement. One more thing though - would you mind removing references to names of people and places from your post? I'd prefer they weren't used.

Hey all. Thanks for taking the time to read through my piece. Any feedback will be gratefully received! Note: There is some violence/bloodshed.

Hey. Firstly, I haven't read the previous chapters - so this is the assessment of someone who hasn't been fully immersed in your work. I enjoyed the intellectualism which came through in the dialogue. The story seems to explore an interesting intersectionality of culture, sex, and type (supernatural/natural). Some things I noted: Language - this played a significant role. However, we're only ever told about it (ie 'he said in Chinese'). Not shown. Further, I'm unsure on how feasible it would be for an individual to learn native-level language from videos. As someone currently learning German - the internet is wondrous, but not everything. Especially when smuggled and therefore restricted. Emotion blending - See, for example, the interaction between K and L after K uses her A connections. L moves from angry to relaxed very quickly. It's slightly jarring. Also, L moves from banishment to anger to light flirtation.... without us seeing him processing the banishment. Logic/discourse - this may be saying things you don't want it to. You build L's claim that men are more aggressive or warlike. Then make a comparison to the supernatural world. If you accept men, L says, you should accept the supernatural creatures. They're just like men, after all, only less numerous. Only the definition of 'human' holds you back. For me, this does two things. Firstly, cement the danger of the supernatural world as one revolving around violence and war. What use is there in welcoming such a society? Two, suggests L has a strange perception of his own sex. Why is violence such a central pillar of how he understands men? Such an extreme take should probably be reinforced by past experience. Did his dad beat him? Uncle? Are werewolves taught that males should be aggressive hunter-creatures from a young age? This is all good if it's an intended part of L's character - but if not then it needs rethought. Overall, a nice draft. I'm definitely interested in finding out more about how community, love, and isolation can play out in this setting.

Slot for next week?

This reads really well, and captures the tone you were looking for. I have one issue. 'Whose voice is soft and sure / And do not answer his beckoning call.' These lines, firstly, go together awkwardly. The Man is giving a beckoning call and knocking at the same time? It's possible, but not thematically what you're looking for. Additionally, the second line breaks the flow. Suddenly the piece shoots from a 6, 7 or 8 syllables to 10. That's a good technique for bringing a line into the spotlight, but that probably wasn't your aim. On further reflection, there's a similar issue with the last stanza. Don't listen to the Wandering Man's cries, but also.... he'll draw you in with a quiet voice? Which is it? Creepy quiet or bestial crying? Overall, a good piece - but it needs to clarify what it hopes to convey, and a small amount of rewording in the second stanza.

Sometimes, when I don't understand my own thoughts/stance on something I write a poem. It's not intended to be technically accomplished, just... help me think? I'll probably edit this one, though, in search of clarity. i Calypso holds the tide, and with her laughter Brings becalming weather, or thunder When indifference swells The seas. See this ship, frosted by ice, Prow leaking sea-salt tears, Slaved from pole to pole Upon the tide. ii Our words once caught on teeth, Tucked between us Close, Closer than our breath, Closest to anchor I have ever known. iii Something sharp is borne In faded imprints cut Where her presence was. My car, my home, my heart. Thorns of memories, honed Nostalgia. She is become A whispered text, a far-flung Wave athwart the sea Distant forever from me.

A Chance Encounter I’ve driven, headlights catching leaves afire over trees along an autumn mile, and known This world of chromium ends. Your smile goes deep And what is broken, mends

Hey! That's a nice poem. The topic in particular - which you sum up at the end - is poignant. The bird mourning its children through food. An observation on language, though: This reminds me of the first poem I wrote. Which, incidentally, was about a bird. I used 'unto' and 'thus' and so on. Essentially, the words common in the romantic poetry I was studying at school. The thing about poetry, though, is that each word must be chosen with conscious intent. Archaic words shouldn't be avoided, per se, but like any other words in a poem they require justification for their presence. In this poem, they add nothing and distract the reader from that main, poignant message - the grieving mother bird. There's a similar issue with 'does take flight.' You are conforming to a rhythm, but using an unnatural sentence structure which (once more) distracts from your message. Don't be afraid to break rhythm - variety often makes the poem more interesting, and is a useful tool for highlighting important bits! Just be sure that, like with your words, you do it with intent. Forgive me for tampering with your poem, it's just to highlight my point: Within the bleakness of the night A lonely swallow takes flight still searching heart lurching and as it rises it sings throughout the darkness echoes ring still soaring exploring The swallow dives to the ground Its quarry it has found Prey squirming returning The bird returns to empty nest, food fetched for chicks at rest still waiting deflating Predators killed her chicks And left their empty bed of sticks denying still flying Obviously I've changed this, so it no longer accurately reflects your style or intent - but in so doing I hope I've drawn some things to your attention. Archaic words were distracting from your message, and exclusively choosing words to fit rhythm/rhyme schemes was disrupting the flow and pacing of your poem. I look forward to reading your next one! Edit: The above inspired me to rework one of my earlier poems. I'd post the original, but it's rather long - have the edited version instead! I Paused Beside a Grave Are you asleep with flowers overhead, Martin Peibel? You have lain for many years judging by the rust. Your name is nothing but black curlicues on stone, and I came for family further down the lane. Why pause? Perhaps for gravity inherent in the grave. Perhaps your silence stayed my feet. Regardless. I am here, and hope you sleep with flowers overhead.

dreams unspoken I wake, sometimes, in the bright electric night with orange bars unspooling on the bed (having dreamt of lakewater catching golden or a salamander breathing over coals) and, rising to reality with the spark of speech a-sizzle on my tongue, pause. deflate. a stillness slides between my ribs, and coils itself about my heart. my quiet bubbles with sirens, parties next door, or just the restless susurration of my breath. and I am alone.

Honest feedback, then! There's nothing wrong with the poetical prose at all. It's very descriptive/imagistic/referential, which can make a piece seem trite and artificial, but it comes across well here. If you're reading it out loud, your main problems will be pacing and intonation. Try thinking of places where your voice could rise/fall or speed/slow. Also, the audience is important too. If speaking to a group of classical student/Greek enthusiasts, it's perfect. If proclaiming it to your family, expect questions such as 'what the hell is a Bacchanalia'! In short: The piece is good and evocative, but think about how (and to whom!) you deliver it. Good luck!

Nice! The excerpts shown in the Amazon preview are really well written. Well done y'all.

So I've not been keeping up with the whole writing-as-a-hobby thing 'cause my doctorate's been draining me dry. Hope to get back to it eventually! Just wanted to comment on the character of Tommy Shelby which Karliene sings about in the youtube link below. It made me realise how many of my favourite characters are broken people who get up to act anyway. I found it a surprisingly helpful way to think of my own created characters too. (Also Kaladin, of course). /random comment