TheDwarfyOne

Well, that's a name I'll definitely change! Thanks for the heads up. And also for editing your post. I'm thinking long-term in case it gets published. There's a reason Sanderson doesn't share much first draft feedback. You want people to see the finished painting, not reviews of its predecessors

Post midpoint is an interesting place for me to wade in. But let’s have a look. Notes as I go: P. 1 – ‘V’s response felt cold.’ This should be indented. P. 2 – ‘And I had been treating her shamefully’ – excellent characterisation, which suggests a well-meaning but somewhat studious, serious, ‘old-fashioned’ individual. Smooth transitions between geographic locations. P. 3 – Ah yea, definitely old fashioned, but tempered by consideration and compassion. ‘My lungs held their peace’ – this is a clunky phrase unless it means something in-universe. Do you mean he didn’t gasp? R and the MC are well characterised. I can instantly pick out their individual voices. P. 4 – ‘The genies’ is presumably an in-universe way of saying ‘genetics?’ ‘When labour came’ – labourers? Or a subcategory of ship crew like ‘engineering’? So far, a very reflective piece. Perfect for the post-midpoint point. P. 5 – ‘A miracle happened! She spoke.’ The sudden ecstasy after the serious-talk is a bit jarring. P. 6 – ‘Her diagnosis’ – I am interested in what this is and what it means for R, which means I have already built some attachment to her as a character. Good job! ‘Pulled her into a hug.’ Awwwwww. P. 7 – ‘I felt myyself sinking’ - myself. P. 8 – the writing is well paced. It feels drowsy and dream-like. Unless ‘Other Side’ is a recognised place (presumably considered real by the religion?) I’d steer clear of capitalising it. P. 9 – ‘Strange, alien maybe’ – hehe. Not much more to say, really. I enjoyed it - especially the second chapter. Carry on.

Some notes as I went: P. 1. Good to see her POV on why her mum’s a good-ish figure. The bathroom thing feels slightly weird to me. Instead of making it a blanket thing, maybe make it something she noticed happened once and wonder if it was deliberate? Or remove. ‘When the supernatural around.’ Supernatural underground*? P. 3. It feels a lot of things are described in dialogue, instead of playing out. We discover J thinks the room is bugged, there’s increasing tension with the mum – but it’s all spoken so far. How does he know she doesn’t like it? Is it an observation from the previous night? There’s a lot of strong dialogue, but also a LOT of dialogue. Doing a good job building to something – the pieces are on the board, being moved about. P. 6. Game interaction as metaphor for their relationship is good. P. 8. The vampire reveal could be better shown than stated – description of unnatural grace, ethereal beauty, apparent youth. People will put it together easily enough, and it can be verbally confirmed in the next chapter. P. 9. ‘M says in Mandarin.’ Same as last time. The ‘said in Mandarin’ ‘replies in English’ ‘speak Mandarin’ ‘say in Taishanese’ cycle breaks immersion. P. 10. The Irish and Italian segue seems out of place in a hostage situation. Would those really be important thoughts in that context? P. 13. The rules with vampires seem fairly typical – not allowed in unless invited etc. What’s your twist on these mythical creatures? Overall, this ends with a nice wee ‘we’re in this together,’ paralleling the previous division during the game session. The chapters chart a clear step forward in their relationship - divided towards teammates with common enemies. Not just against K's mum. These two submissions have suggested a quirk in your writing. You tend to tell, not show, through heavy pieces of dialogue. I'd be conscious of that during the editing stage, so that there's a bit more variety. Disclaimer - I've only read two submissions, so pattern-recognition is limited

Both great contributions, many thanks! @Appol PhD I feel this too. It's been bothering me, but I'm focusing on output over my past sin - multiple rewrites . I mostly agree with your other points too. @Paul SB 'No, you should not underline instead of using italics in a manuscript; always use italics unless a publisher specifically requests otherwise, as underlining is considered an outdated convention that can make letters hard to read and looks unprofessional.' Well, I'll be damned. People be people! Yep, but chocolate is also anachronistic. I'm going for a Medieval meets early modern vibe. Though even at that steel may be extravagant. To be honest I've no clue who the scuba diver is ahaha. He's loosely based off Jacques Dubois, the French physician. All other points taken under due advisement. One more thing though - would you mind removing references to names of people and places from your post? I'd prefer they weren't used.

Hey all. Thanks for taking the time to read through my piece. Any feedback will be gratefully received! Note: There is some violence/bloodshed.

Hey. Firstly, I haven't read the previous chapters - so this is the assessment of someone who hasn't been fully immersed in your work. I enjoyed the intellectualism which came through in the dialogue. The story seems to explore an interesting intersectionality of culture, sex, and type (supernatural/natural). Some things I noted: Language - this played a significant role. However, we're only ever told about it (ie 'he said in Chinese'). Not shown. Further, I'm unsure on how feasible it would be for an individual to learn native-level language from videos. As someone currently learning German - the internet is wondrous, but not everything. Especially when smuggled and therefore restricted. Emotion blending - See, for example, the interaction between K and L after K uses her A connections. L moves from angry to relaxed very quickly. It's slightly jarring. Also, L moves from banishment to anger to light flirtation.... without us seeing him processing the banishment. Logic/discourse - this may be saying things you don't want it to. You build L's claim that men are more aggressive or warlike. Then make a comparison to the supernatural world. If you accept men, L says, you should accept the supernatural creatures. They're just like men, after all, only less numerous. Only the definition of 'human' holds you back. For me, this does two things. Firstly, cement the danger of the supernatural world as one revolving around violence and war. What use is there in welcoming such a society? Two, suggests L has a strange perception of his own sex. Why is violence such a central pillar of how he understands men? Such an extreme take should probably be reinforced by past experience. Did his dad beat him? Uncle? Are werewolves taught that males should be aggressive hunter-creatures from a young age? This is all good if it's an intended part of L's character - but if not then it needs rethought. Overall, a nice draft. I'm definitely interested in finding out more about how community, love, and isolation can play out in this setting.

Slot for next week?

This reads really well, and captures the tone you were looking for. I have one issue. 'Whose voice is soft and sure / And do not answer his beckoning call.' These lines, firstly, go together awkwardly. The Man is giving a beckoning call and knocking at the same time? It's possible, but not thematically what you're looking for. Additionally, the second line breaks the flow. Suddenly the piece shoots from a 6, 7 or 8 syllables to 10. That's a good technique for bringing a line into the spotlight, but that probably wasn't your aim. On further reflection, there's a similar issue with the last stanza. Don't listen to the Wandering Man's cries, but also.... he'll draw you in with a quiet voice? Which is it? Creepy quiet or bestial crying? Overall, a good piece - but it needs to clarify what it hopes to convey, and a small amount of rewording in the second stanza.

Sometimes, when I don't understand my own thoughts/stance on something I write a poem. It's not intended to be technically accomplished, just... help me think? I'll probably edit this one, though, in search of clarity. i Calypso holds the tide, and with her laughter Brings becalming weather, or thunder When indifference swells The seas. See this ship, frosted by ice, Prow leaking sea-salt tears, Slaved from pole to pole Upon the tide. ii Our words once caught on teeth, Tucked between us Close, Closer than our breath, Closest to anchor I have ever known. iii Something sharp is borne In faded imprints cut Where her presence was. My car, my home, my heart. Thorns of memories, honed Nostalgia. She is become A whispered text, a far-flung Wave athwart the sea Distant forever from me.

A Chance Encounter I’ve driven, headlights catching leaves afire over trees along an autumn mile, and known This world of chromium ends. Your smile goes deep And what is broken, mends

Hey! That's a nice poem. The topic in particular - which you sum up at the end - is poignant. The bird mourning its children through food. An observation on language, though: This reminds me of the first poem I wrote. Which, incidentally, was about a bird. I used 'unto' and 'thus' and so on. Essentially, the words common in the romantic poetry I was studying at school. The thing about poetry, though, is that each word must be chosen with conscious intent. Archaic words shouldn't be avoided, per se, but like any other words in a poem they require justification for their presence. In this poem, they add nothing and distract the reader from that main, poignant message - the grieving mother bird. There's a similar issue with 'does take flight.' You are conforming to a rhythm, but using an unnatural sentence structure which (once more) distracts from your message. Don't be afraid to break rhythm - variety often makes the poem more interesting, and is a useful tool for highlighting important bits! Just be sure that, like with your words, you do it with intent. Forgive me for tampering with your poem, it's just to highlight my point: Within the bleakness of the night A lonely swallow takes flight still searching heart lurching and as it rises it sings throughout the darkness echoes ring still soaring exploring The swallow dives to the ground Its quarry it has found Prey squirming returning The bird returns to empty nest, food fetched for chicks at rest still waiting deflating Predators killed her chicks And left their empty bed of sticks denying still flying Obviously I've changed this, so it no longer accurately reflects your style or intent - but in so doing I hope I've drawn some things to your attention. Archaic words were distracting from your message, and exclusively choosing words to fit rhythm/rhyme schemes was disrupting the flow and pacing of your poem. I look forward to reading your next one! Edit: The above inspired me to rework one of my earlier poems. I'd post the original, but it's rather long - have the edited version instead! I Paused Beside a Grave Are you asleep with flowers overhead, Martin Peibel? You have lain for many years judging by the rust. Your name is nothing but black curlicues on stone, and I came for family further down the lane. Why pause? Perhaps for gravity inherent in the grave. Perhaps your silence stayed my feet. Regardless. I am here, and hope you sleep with flowers overhead.

dreams unspoken I wake, sometimes, in the bright electric night with orange bars unspooling on the bed (having dreamt of lakewater catching golden or a salamander breathing over coals) and, rising to reality with the spark of speech a-sizzle on my tongue, pause. deflate. a stillness slides between my ribs, and coils itself about my heart. my quiet bubbles with sirens, parties next door, or just the restless susurration of my breath. and I am alone.

Honest feedback, then! There's nothing wrong with the poetical prose at all. It's very descriptive/imagistic/referential, which can make a piece seem trite and artificial, but it comes across well here. If you're reading it out loud, your main problems will be pacing and intonation. Try thinking of places where your voice could rise/fall or speed/slow. Also, the audience is important too. If speaking to a group of classical student/Greek enthusiasts, it's perfect. If proclaiming it to your family, expect questions such as 'what the hell is a Bacchanalia'! In short: The piece is good and evocative, but think about how (and to whom!) you deliver it. Good luck!

Nice! The excerpts shown in the Amazon preview are really well written. Well done y'all.

So I've not been keeping up with the whole writing-as-a-hobby thing 'cause my doctorate's been draining me dry. Hope to get back to it eventually! Just wanted to comment on the character of Tommy Shelby which Karliene sings about in the youtube link below. It made me realise how many of my favourite characters are broken people who get up to act anyway. I found it a surprisingly helpful way to think of my own created characters too. (Also Kaladin, of course). /random comment

When dying seasons churn the restless sea Into a foam-flecked frenzy, freed at last Sane men are known to flee. Some homeward to the hearths of family Bring word that hope is necessary When dying seasons churn the restless sea. Others, feeling fear of sinning, to Holy See Bring warning and a plea, for Even sane men are known to flee. Jaws taut, the brave leave quay, Seeking untethered souls When dying seasons churn the restless sea. Yet more, while locking doors with silver key Sigh to feel the wind which Sane men are known to flee. But I, feet edging sand, fling open arms And laugh a challenge, though I know When dying seasons churn the restless sea Sane men are known to flee.

Now those temperatures are pretty much good summer weather here, so that sounds fine! I could handle that. The steamboat was fun. My sister's bf owns and maintains one. I also convinced them to go up the Stairway to Heaven walk on the border with Cavan, which was fun. Loads of mites though.

^ My response to death-threat writing coaches. Also, glad to finally have (largely) caught up with critiques. That was bothering me. But I did have a nice holiday at Loch Erne piloting a steam boat! And swimming in the lake. Which gave me new respect for @shatteredsmooth's lake-swimming. That thing was cold. I think my brother nearly had a heart attack when he jumped in, which was amusing.

Notes as I go: P. 1. – Repetition of “little.” Wait, aren’t these musicians from M? Why are they being so hard on the university? “Making a mundie a monarch.” - Alliterative, feels like a saying. “Record keeping everyone’s magical abilities? I feel like that makes it way too easy for the Black King to manipulate those whose skills he knows he needs.” – Yep. Like William’s Domesday book, which allowed him to know the fighting strength of England’s lords, something he used in later campaigns. P. 3. – You’re promising that the fey will get lose here. P. 5. – “If my sister heard about it, she’d do something stupid.” – a bit too candid? And then there was a love interest! Didn't see that coming. After reading other comments: I am beginning to think, like Mandamon and Kais, that this is far too much of the "walk and talk" type stuff. I feel the chapters would work better condensed or changed so that, while all the other information is conveyed, something plot-driven happens at the same time. I'm thinking people are disappearing (Ah! The revolutionaries are taking musicians out because Ir blabbed to her sister about her social activities on the beach and told the revolution, who now think that the musicians are involved in some BK plot/hold needed information!) and Ir is delving into the mystery while J tries to flirt. Random example. Though I will note that you've been promising a moment where S betrays Ir (or dramatically doesn't) for a while now. Her loyalties are divided.

Notes as I go: P. 1. – “here, in the great stone plaza, decorated wildly with awnings and populated with fishermen, farmers, and tradesmen.” – this description should probably come sooner, so I can contextualise what you’re saying. Possibly also expand the description. “Merchants, farmers, and fishermen cried their wares from brightly colored booths, each attempting to appeal to the diverse crowd passing by.” – You seem to be spreading the description through the page… Actually, I’m wondering whether simply starting with “Fresh bass and sturgeon!” would be better, dropping the previous page entirely. P. 3. - “Talem, like one of the great caravel ships, sailed through the crowds towards a bright red stand.” – hmmm, I liked this up until ‘sailed.’ Ploughed, maybe? Something more indicative of size and force. “For clandestine meetings?” – ooof, big booboo. P. 4. - “at the last second.” – best dropped, I think. “But the BK viewed the Revolutionaries as traitors” – fairly obvious at this point. Better just to show her looking distressed, we can probably guess why. P. 6. - “It’s nothing but lies,” S murmured” – I’m liking how you established S is loving being part of something complicated and different from her role as mother, wife, so on. It builds into this moment, where her talents and abilities outside those roles are highlighted. She sees through what is announced and into the heart of what is meant. P. 7. – Hah! Liking this. We see that I is concerned with family and personal relationships, something you also built earlier in the chapter. Then we have this nice juxtaposition of different value systems. S and T value the macro scale of governments and politics, something which you highlight I does not understand well. Hence, the core dilemma between the two. I will be swayed by personal interactions. S and T by political/economic policies. Micro vs. Macro. “His purple and white wings unfurled, casting shadows over all of them.” – Nice allusion to the government, and that he’s a dragon ties in nicely with previous examples of dragonfire’s efficacy. P. 11. – Is that… an innuendo? If so… I dunno, I’m getting weird thoughts about animal-people genitalia that I don’t want to have, ahah. This is another good highlight of the stakes. Depending on how she plays this, she could lose new-found camaraderie or her sister. P. 12. – More nice setting description. “like a woman putting her gold on.” Though, perhaps ‘jewellery’ would be better. After reading previous comments: I agree with some of Mandamon's assessment of S' character. I feel "whiny and privileged" is a bit strong, but certainly her treating it as a hobby raised an eyebrow for me. As for the census, I totally understand how it could be considered onerous. Consider the example of William the Conqueror. He invaded England, took it over. Replaced English lords with Norman French ones. Often granted lands in disparate locations as a means of dividing lords' power. Harrowed the North, burning it so much that the entire area did not recover for decades. And, also, instituted the Domesday Book. All of these things were a means of control. There had been nothing like Domesday before. It catalogued lands, wealth (both in the time of William and one of his predecessors, Edward the Confessor) and the rights of lords. There's little textual evidence to say whether it was liked or not, but there IS plenty of evidence of people trying to avoid giving firm facts. It can be inferred that many people didn't like the interference. My point is that the revolution and other city-folk are entitled to view a census of this sort as continued government interference. Big Brother, but also another front of the invasion. Kais also has a point about the 'slice of life' thing. I liked both this chapter and the previous one, but both together seems a bit much.

Notes as I go: P. 1. – “she refused to be anything more than excellent.” – ‘other than?’ “interrupting her musical musings” – this could be taken to mean her musings were musical, as in, not about music but literally of music. It’s obvious which you mean, but it’s still inexact. P. 2. – “Willing, or had to?” Dun dun dunnnn! Foreshadowing. “What would P think? Would the musicians be happy to be rid of her? Or would she drag them down with her? Why did she care?” This is your [Insert Stakes], eh? I really wish I got to see the Revolutionary spiel, ahahah. P. 3-4. Nice time lapse description! P. 5. – Surely she’s been practicing an instrument already? It seems strange to feed her theory without the practical (spoken as someone who was forced to learn piano.) P. 6. - “There’s a reason it’s called the C of B. Every holiday, the bell towers will play beautiful music that echoes through the hills.” – aww. Much better interaction among the group members than previous chapter. Each feels like they’re just living rather than advertising their characters. P. 8. – “He backed down.” – I feel this could be more descriptive. P. 9. – Again, nice description of the surroundings. Loving the evidence of war. P. 10. – Ra. Drat. Is that the assassin fella/gal? Can’t remember the name. Overall: Starts with conversation with sister, transitions into the main conflict (social issues with the musicians) and then eases into a mystery. Sounds like a good arc! After reading other comments: Well, at least I was right that it was the spy fella/gal! Even if it was a different name. There is a slight disconnect between the scenes, with leaps in time and place. But I don't mind it, personally. As for whether the chapter pulls its weight in terms of plotting, that depends on the purpose. If the purpose was to juxtapose I doing something she is beginning to love while also showing where future tension will lie - with one or two members of the group, and their Ma allegiance as opposed to her own allegiance to the Revolt, then all good. I'm invested in I's joy and love of simple things - even instruments - winning over a group of sometimes doubting individuals. Perhaps the scene could be made stronger. I'm by no means a professional. But I don't think it deserves to be cut.

As an alternative, think about different types of swords. Fantasy is full of "He drew his blade," which is incredibly generic. What if katanas are prevalent in your world? You'd have to think about specific sword practices related to katanas. How they're cleaned, made, even sheathed. Suddenly you don't have something generic. You have something which adds to your world. Just a thought. Also note that it's fantasy. If you find conventional weapons boring, make one up. This will probably require the liberal application of magic or advanced technology, though. There's a reason we have conventional weapons - it's because they're the ones which work.

Previously: Prologue: P fights some desert tribesmen. When tackling I about his late arrival, it turns out that one tribesman survived. After some dialogue and conflict, it becomes apparent that he possesses a potentially dangerous artifact. P takes it and leaves an angry I behind. Meeeeaning, this is Chapter One again. Sorry. I'm indulging my supervillain side. I swear I've written more stuff than this. Pinky swear.

Sure, I'll submit too! (I'd meant to last week, but a headache had me in bed for most of a day, so I figured it'd make more sense to submit for this week.)

Could I submit today too, please?