Paul SB

I once took a music history class taught by a string quartet. It started early, and the players usually ran to the coffee machine down the all during the break. The second violinist especially went from sad puppy dog face to bouncing off the walls in minutes.

Salutations! (to quote a familiar arachnid), From this point on our heroes are on separate missions on different planets. The first entry here follows RM in her dual quest to get info about the mythical homeward of the Humans and find AH’s brother who were separated as children. Something happens to RM that hints about things that could affect all of them in unpredictable ways. The second entry has TL and PM reach an old world colony, one that has been mostly left behind by the Meritocracy as not worth the investment. One thing that concerns me about this one is that their contact is a character who was first introduced in a chapter in the first book that was recommended I edit out. That probably gives an appearance of the character being manufactured on the spot, fit for purpose. S-Y isn’t quite a throw away character, but still very minor. The question with S-Y is if she needs a new introduction. Enjoy the reading!

Doesn't it seem weird to be looking forward to Monday? Another one is coming.

Nice! Maybe there is some hope ...

Hey, I got an email today from Space Wizard that listed a book with your name on it. Congratulations! Is this your first? I’m not a huge YA fan, but I’ll pick it up when it comes out.

Have you tried giving the forum coffee?

Hello yet again, There seems to be a lot of people looking lately, so I hope that means people are enjoying my tale. From this point on the hex is broken up on different missions. The first entry in this submission follows our patient as she recovers consciousness. Though it isn’t said directly, T acts more than a little adolescent, a result of having spent most of her life in a cataleptic state, so she never experienced growing up in the mental/emotional way hominids normally do. I hope I got the show:tell balance right. Is it apparent that emotional immaturity is her problem, is it too obvious, or too subtle? (what would Goldilocks say?) The second entry is an assassination from the POV of the alien assassin. It isn’t exactly plot relevant, but part of showing the reader what is happening in the story world, and makes a brief connection to the machinations of the Church.

I seem to have forgotten that another Monday has come. Yesterday was my Spawn #2's birthday, so I suppose I have an excuse ...

It seems like there are a few things worth saving, but I can definitely take an ax to both entries. The nature of the technology matters, and will be important both here and in later sequels, so I don't want to drop it entirely. And what's going through ME's head foreshadows a very important development later. One of the big problems with critiquing chapter by chapter is that you don't know where things are going. You only see why some things matter in retrospect.

Chapter 13 Overall, it’s giving me some creepy/stalker vibes. As much as A believes the S is doing everything for A, it feels like there are hints everywhere that S is not so noble. This is coming right after the midpoint, but it feels like it is setting up for a Plot Point 3 false victory. Intriguing… “There will be fallout from three people falling into the Calamity under my watch, but that’s not an excuse to give up on those who have given me their trust.” — A’s character very much shines through in internal monologue like this. “He’s your emotional support rabbit,” — Why rabbit? Is Tr British? “… but my goals won’t even show up around us if I want them to.” — I get what A is thinking here, but it might be elusive for other readers. The point is that if A is with Tr, A’s goals will be ignored or overshadowed by Tr. You might want to clarify this, though it wouldn’t require more than a few words. I feel like after that hug-fest, Tr should at least show more physical hesitation, walking slowly, dragging her feet, glancing over her shoulder. “… Won’t you come back with me, A? We can forget about all of this for at least an hour or two.” — Major one-track mind here. I’m not sure that either of them would be so preoccupied minutes after what just happened. “I don’t want to go if it’s your pull talking.” — This would be a good lace to describe how the voice came across. “Gleaming like a jewel, gleaming like a predator’s fang slick with saliva.” — Now there’s some good description, well placed and appropriate! More, please. “But you were the one who told me that the pull can’t make you do something you don’t want to.” — And what teenager doesn’t want to have sex? Human brains are massively complex, and ultimately if a thought is possible to think, everyone has had the thought. We don’t remember more than a tiny fraction of the thoughts we have, and easily shove the weird ones and the worst ones out of our minds. But if the magic works on what people want, it works on everyone. “He makes me look into his eyes, telling me that all I should be doing is relaxing and focusing on him.” — This guy is putting out some serious creep vibes. I hope A is going to notice, and do something about it. Maybe A should Touch absolutely everyone. “rust, that was bold of me.” “It sounded smoother when you said it.” — This looks like a good spot for a long pause, shifting eyes, and a bit of existential angst. “Not for lack of trying.” — This could use a smirk or sly grin. “… and I can take it away for an hour or two. Will you let me?” — This guy is putting way too much emphasis on the power of sex and not nearly enough on the relief that comes from having a plan. “Trust me.” — A’s conman alarm should be screaming in his head. “But of course these are excuses, because I resent the actual reason he wants to sacrifice his entire sense of self. So he can make me feel better.” — Being pitied makes people feel useless and undeserving, but I’m not 100% convinced that A is reading the scene correctly. A has no doubts?

It’s appreciated

I assume you're not getting paid for this, so no biggie.

Hello once again, Our first entry has A meeting a data nexus who is to work with her on adapting the colony. In the process she learns some important things about both the alien’s mentality and how different their technology is from anyone else’s. Unfortunately this is another chapter that is pretty much all talk, so I’m concerned that the pacing is too slow. In the next entry ME has been waiting around with the Terrible Trio trying to get passage to Dirt when M finds the band he used to play with and hitches a ride. ME meets the band members and is happier with them than with the three thieves they have been working with. Nothing momentous happens, and the band members are not hugely important to the plot, so this might be another chapter that could be cut. Thanks again, and I hope all y’all are enjoying the ride.

Here comes another Monday!

Chapter 12 Up to this point the story has been moving pretty slowly. I’m pretty sure neither of my kids would have stuck with it this far (though I did keep my oldest going on “Some Desperate Glory” to the very end, in spite of him not liking the protagonist). In this chapter it feels like the temperature is rising and the stakes are beginning to feel more salient. We’ve known what the stakes are from the very beginning, but here it’s starting to feel more real. No doubt that’s because the conflict has gone from a war of words to actual violence. Maybe if there was a hint of this at the beginning it would help keep the tension up. A big part of the art of storytelling is figuring out when to reveal information. The writer knows everything but can’t give everything to the reader right away. There are some elements of this story that still feel a little sketchy, like what, exactly, is psyglass and why, or why the Calamity Ocean hasn’t swallowed up the entire planet. Is there something holding it back? It may be that you are holding information about it for a big reveal later, which is understandable. It does seem a little too mysterious at this point. With the little first year students they could easily bring up question for the older students to answer. Everyone has their own level of tolerance for unanswered questions, so it’s always a balancing act. This makes me think about foreshadowing. Good foreshadowing is only clearly foreshadowing in retrospect. If a writer uses a phrase like “… little did he know …” it’s a dead giveaway and feels kind of patronizing. Since I haven’t seen anything like that, I can’t tell if you are doing it well or not doing it at all. I’m partly thinking about this because it’s something I usually forget to do, but it’s good because when big things happen later on they don’t just fall out of the sky on the reader. ““It’s not me you’ll judge.” He sighs. “It’s not me everyone else will judge.” I pause. However betrayed I feel at his secrets, I can’t deny the risk of speaking them into existence with Poppy watching us ready to relay every word to Sage. If she blames Aster’s death on us and our classmates agree, then our prospects of surviving with the group are dead in the air.” — This sounds like a repeat of the first suicide, and that looks a bit suspicious. It makes sense that A would think about the reason getting out, but it seems like the similarity should make an impact, too. “Thank you,” he says, before turning forward and walking on. — This is a point where it would be really helpful to describe the tone of voice. When he opens his eyes for the final time and tells Poppy that he has no more questions, I can tell he doesn’t know the answer himself. — This is a solid observation. It would help, though, if you wrote at least something about his face, posture, proxemics … otherwise it’s a tell where it could be a show. That soft voice that he uses for when he’s in pain, for when he’s talking to someone who’s in pain. Which one does he think it is this time? — Great observation Nice cliff-hanger ending