TheDwarfyOne

I've travelled all over the UK, from the Giant's Causeway and Antrim to Oxford, Cambridge, Tintern Abbey, the Angel of the North, Glasgow, the Lake District, the Yorkshire Dales. Can highly recommend. But I believe you lot would enjoy a relatively small town in Scotland. Wigtown.

I hear ye on the heights thing. I'd love to visit America, but haven't yet. You should try out Northern Ireland at some point. I'm low key in love with it, and it's notably different from the Republic.

I know! It revolutionised my writing. I am perhaps overly fond of the research tab. My world is static with three 'suns' moving around it, so I have used MS paint to (roughly) let me know where the suns will be at any given time. I've uploaded that image to the research folder, along with a picture of Elton John (because his glasses resemble an in-story convention of wearing similar glasses) and various notes. I even have a tab on platypuses in there.

Why restrict rant day to Friday? That strikes me as an all-week attraction. The dedication to humane hunting is admirable. My strongest impression of hunters is mounted townsfolk pursuing a baying pack of hounds, shooting and killing whatever animal they come across. For the fun, do not mistake me; not for population control or food. And they have no respect for farm boundaries, so frequently their hounds would terrorise our dogs, notably when they were puppies. They are the type of people who would shoot a boar three times just to hear it scream, because that is the sport they're after. This is, of course, a different context from your own. I live in Northern Ireland, where the biggest wild animal is probably a hare or fox. Though I believe there might be deer in some places. I have little experience with animal suffering, thankfully. My dad is a careful farmer who cares for his animals and hates to see them distressed - something which is not as common as it ought to be. He loves and maintains the hedges, trees and bog, giving a place to wild animals as well. I only know of one animal that suffered. We could not find the bull on one occasion. I was called out to help look for it. We walked up and down the fields, and finally found it, dead. It had been pushed into a ditch by the other cows, and extreme bad luck had it on its back. There was a trickle of water at the bottom of the ditch. The sides of the ditch were grooved where it had kicked, writhed, tried to get up; to no avail. During the night it must have lost strength, because it drowned. Looking down on the bull has left an indelible mark on my memory. Well, there's my Friday rant. Thanks for tuning in.

I'd like a slot too, please. I've redone the prologue and am currently rejigging the first chapter.

I am divided on this issue myself. Living in the country, I've been involved in calving and raising cattle. I still eat and enjoy meat, but when I let myself think about it I feel a certain level of self disgust. Reasoning that the animal was dead whether I ate it or not seems like a bit of a cop out. I'm against hunting, though mainly because the dominant form near me is fox - ie trophy - hunting. Hunting for food isn't something I would do - I wouldn't want to distress an animal - but I don't view it as morally bad. My dad is a bit like yours. On one occasion I mentioned that I'd considered becoming vegetarian, and he sort of looked at me sideways and said "you're kidding, right?" Well that sounds nice. My family and my books are at a certain level of friction. My mum is about to have an aneurysm over the number of my books which have crept into her livingroom. Oh well, ahaha.

Can confirm, Scrivener is the bees knees. I got it recently. I love the research tab in particular; I've linked images, videos, story building theory, all sorts in there. And then a separate section for my world-building. Previous to this I'd used Word documents. Many, many word documents. And I couldn't remember where everything was. When I was compiling everything on Scrivener concerning my magic system, I had three word documents open, a sheaf of handwritten notes, and screenshots of an illuminating conversation about the system I had with a friend.

Well, thanks. I've never written anything worth publishing, but I'll let you know if I do.

The Wanderer’s Song That day when days went dim the fish of some unlooked-for pool shone bright and pink and blue. A song. I’d wandered long through endless space debris and dust in search of it. But found it not. Instead, I found a woman. Cunning, knowing, Loving skies. We joined in common enterprise to find the song. The song. One day We landed on a barren hill. “We will not find it here” I said. But she was gone. A fall. No more. It was enough. The hard land drank of her while I turned onwards, ever upwards. I had a longing for the sky. But I got lost in crags then caves where dappled beings slouched and water wormed primordial cracks. I sat beside a pool and thought and saw. That day when days went dim the fish of some unlooked-for pool shone bright and pink and blue. I saw. And wept.

That's a great word. I'm just gonna file that away for future use.

What do 'schoz' and 'petrichor' mean? Did you make them?

I was going to keep a page by page list of issues, but didn't find that many. On page one, you say: “enough prompt I to say the truth.” Missing a word here, I think. What happens: I goes to palace. Griffin lets her in. P is introduced. She is shown cubby. There is some talk about what will happen to potential spies. She sees BK. She has breakdown. I feel like you could condense this, the first part in particular. If you started the narrative with P being introduced and tossed in a line about the cubbies it would have the same impact. The bits I found most interesting were the explanations of magic, its consequences, and her feelings about the BK. Something which I had expected but didn't get was a notion of the complications her naming powers would raise. I feel like there should be hooks tying this into later plot. I kept expecting her to realise a passing nobleman was using the wrong name (dun dun dunnnn) or something similar, then feeling cheated when it didn't happen. I feel like you focus so much on making this chapter describe the new world which I now inhabits that you forget to make it relevant to the plot. That seems like a harsh reading. Maybe I'll realise I was being silly when I read the above comments. I will say that I appreciated the writing, the worldbuilding (in particular magical consequences) and the character of P, who I view in the same light as my own mum. Friendly and domestic, but with the potential to cast that aside in the right circumstances. I feel this was intentional. Also, unrelated, but your website and associated art is great.

Thoughts as I go: P. 1. A tight bank in the river. Not sure that makes sense. A curve? Don’t forget past tense on ‘cross.’ A few other grammar mistakes, but I’m sure you’ll notice them on a subsequent edit. And Robinski will probably delight in explaining them I felt this was a slow opening. Could probably condense it into fewer sentences. P.2. Beginning to get into the meat of the story. Interesting dialogue between creature and girl, highlighting both setting and character. P. 3. “He yanked the staff up with T leaping off it and flaring his wings to avoid getting tossed.” Again, could condense this. The sentence means almost exactly the same thing if you excise “to avoid getting tossed.” I now realise Z is a boy not a girl. Oops, my fault. P. 4. I feel like you could heighten the “good character who is only trying to help doesn’t get aid from those he’s protecting” feel here. Could be like a Geralt of Rivia vibe. Also I don’t understand the contention. They claim he’ll be dead weight, but surely giving him accommodation won’t take hands away from work? They might even be glad he came, because it’s an extra pair of hands. The only feasible cost is food, which they’re offering him anyway. I get the feeling this is perhaps related to him being a Seeker, which possibly prevents him from working – if that’s the case, you should let us know before he speaks to the guards. ‘Gritted,’ not grit. Tense seems to be an issue. The young woman sounds so much like a guardsman that Z thinks she is one before seeing her? P. 5. Ah, the young woman is the witch, and the guard was speaking to her. That was not apparent. P. 6. Finally get an explanation for why he was refused hospitality. Something to do with moon light usage. P. 7. Again mentioning lack of supplies… but they’d already offered him food. P. 8. Clunky dialogue starting “Yes, this village’s crop of fighters.” Again, could be abbreviated/condensed. P.12. Strong D&D Bard references. P.21. The last line. I feel T wouldn’t have vocalised the meaning behind Z’s lie – that he knows who it is – unless the beast is more malicious than I’d assumed. I feel he just blurts out the emotion. Themes: Good person maligned by uncaring society Unlikely friends Mystery doesn’t really feature that much, except towards the end. Faith and goodness can overcome evil. I greatly enjoyed the idea of T. An emotion-reading (and blurting) companion? Imagine if Z had a crush on someone. Many incredibly embarrassing possibilities to explore! In fact, loads of interesting, immersive things going on there. So, to sum - a slow start. Issues with tense and grammar (I didn't list them all; I assume a general edit will find them). I feel like you could have tightened up your sentences and paragraphs. I enjoyed the world. There's a lot going on there that can be built upon. However, I don't think you focused on one overriding theme to drive the entire story. The themes which I listed above all felt slightly tangential. My two cents! Definitely want to read more.

.... To further illustrate the point, I turned it into a sonnet. The Ent I can recall the rain on corn in sighs While bees flitted in forests made of ease And great-grey rose the crownings of the trees Above lost pathways under jewelled skies. Life stretched into an age. I laughed so well Elves heard and drew from me still-water song Which passed like ages, beautiful and long To the refraining tinkle of a bell. I came to love the gush of silver bloom Which marked the rowan on the hill, now felled So that songs falter and words failed Describing axes brought with flame and doom. But I recall, if not relive, the bees And singing golden music to the trees.

Thanks very much! I read some theory afterwards which you may find interesting. I'll demonstrate with a poem (quality not guaranteed; written as an example). The Ent I can recall the rain When bees flitted in forests, Corn brought whispered sighs. I walked lost paths which stretched Into an age. I chortled So my bark grew cracked. Elves saw, and taught me speech So I could sing of growing To refrains of star and sky. Sigh, sigh. For ages fly. The rowans kept this hill In gouts of silver bloom 'Til crowns were burned. I loved them. Wind forgets Their exhalations. I am mute With stump-like words. But I recall, if not relive A time I sang, and bees Were golden on the trees. This is where I stopped, though I could keep changing it. The theory relates to expansion and contraction. You take an idea - in this case I'd just reread the chapters concerning Ents in LotR - and write some stream of consciousness paragraphs concerning it. Like so: Then you pick out the pieces which seem most poetic. Like so: This is the first contraction. You are then meant to expand (or, more appropriately, sew these pieces together). Like so: Then you contract again, thinking more of structure and form. More innovation if you wish. Like so: Technically you can leave it here, but I decided to contract further, thinking more of form, and got the final poem. The first half uses trochee and is juxtaposed with the second, slightly broken verse. Completely unsolicited, I know, but I found it an interesting method. Thought others might like it, even if I mess it up Edit: I should say that I don't recommend being slavish in the use of methods for poetry creation. But this method encourages people to think of the important elements of poetry - language, form and structure. For instance, in my final contraction I could have experimented with traditional forms. Forced it into a sonnet, couplets, whatever. I think it's useful to think of any poem which you create as an organic thing. It is never static, caught in amber like a fossil. It is alive and can change. [/my two cents]

I enjoyed reading about Judaism. I'm surprised at how little I know. Sounds like a great idea for a story, @Snakenaps.

'Amortize' - hey, I learned a new word today. I'm sure your wife loved it.

I wasn't a fan. (Never heard of him). But I am now.

I highly recommend him. The man makes prose seem like poetry. I will warn you that his third book in the series has been going to come out this year for the past ten years. XxxXxXxX XxXxXxX XXxXxXxX xXxXxXxX / XXxXxXxXxX xXxXXxXxX xXxxXxXxXx xxXxXxxXxX Lots of anapest and dactyls!

Written a while back: Kvothe's Walk Bled red of heart and hand Kvothe stands as King Alone before last season’s emperor; The scissor-tree which makes a warrior. Then sudden seizes wind’s imagining, Spins it into a tale of Taborlin, Remembers the mythologies of age. Such whips as these could make a mage Or raise the wind in channels, brim The bunching wind in blustering of hearts Until there lies a silence, deep as any inn’s Where memory is wrought by light of sins. The scissor-tree falls flat by namer’s arts And Kvothe walks through no-one’s applause to ease The knotted tree exhaling in the breeze. Based off Rothfuss' Name of the Wind

Tone and type of story: Pg. 1: Science fiction. Spacecraft, aliens. ‘Ship’ made me initially think of a naval, Pirates of the Caribbean-esque setting. Pg. 2: Slightly comedic? Glowing faces, obviously joking narration involving Frankenstein and Sherlock. Elements you’d expect to see: Pg. 1: An exploration of humanity’s superiority. The human is a pet. His agency is circumscribed. I expect to see his reaction to this. Pg. 2: Humanity’s place explored. The band showing he’s ‘tame.’ Also expect to see why there is a security need. Pirates? Pg. 3: Him caring for other species. Big, bad, and soft? Pg. 7: Kind of expecting a political element now. What climax: Pg. 1: Some form of battle to the death? Or perhaps an accidental death? Pg. 2: A slightly comical death? Something involving the security risk? Pg. 5: Gulliver’s travels vibe. In sum: There are elements of comedy, sci-fi, and (perhaps) political intrigue. I imagine it will be a comedic romp through space in which S is a perpetual klutz, culminating in a final confrontation. We’re definitely going to get more politics in the future. Humanity’s place will be explored, and the protagonist will meet the narrator. This will spell the latter’s doom, but likely unintentionally. The climax will likely tie this together. S will meet the narrator. The loss of his job is – presumably – the inciting incident which propels him to this meeting. I believe it will address the reader’s assumption that humans are superior. That being said, I don't know what shape the climax will take. I can guess what it will address and that it will involve the narrator and protagonist. Other than that, I don't know how the interaction of the two will bring out themes such as humanity's place.

Firstly, thank you all for reading through and critiquing! I am very, very grateful for your insightful - and honest - remarks. Secondly, I can see I read too much theory (and listened to a certain podcast...) too much without having the practical experience to understand its application. I'm glad I realised this before working on later, similarly flawed chapters. @aeromancer My username is working against me here. I sense context is the dominant theme between all critiques; will work on this. Sort of. Helios is the Ancient Greek embodiment of the sun, so 'sun-study.' I thought I made the word up, but apparently it is an actual field of study. Who knew? Don't be overly afraid of exposition. Gotcha. The problem being, of course, what you mention later; too much exposition. I'll attempt to inject it subtly. No idea how, yet. But we'll get there. Great review! Thank you. By the way, there's no such thing as 'Just a Historian.' @Mandamon I tried to do that with the discussion of the campaign, hoping that would hint what's to come. Apparently unsuccessfully! The 'people' here meaning the 'folk,' the citizen body as a whole. More clarity needed, I see. Yep. I'm beginning to see some overarching problems with my writing. Such as: Iron is fairly rare. But a good piece would have built that up somewhere without dropping it on the audience without context. Hold on, I think you summed it up: Very insightful, thanks. I haven't got around to reading your pieces yet, Mandamon, but everyone's criticism reminds me of last week's scholarly character. Certainly there was much dialogue. There was undoubtedly exposition. But it all tied together. @kais 15 minutes long because you're in a hurry, and I'm not that smart I notice you pasted the MC's name in your final quote! Would you mind taking it out, please? Edit: Just noticed Ha's name in same place. Thanks for the warning about epilogues and prologues. I love prologues, personally, because it serves to contextualise everything else that happens. I think I may remove this one and just keep the epilogue, though. It seems to do much the same job. Many of your later criticisms revolve around the D&H thing. I obviously need to clean up characterisation. H, in my mind, is like a beekeeper who cares for the hive but not the individual bee. The exception being D and others of her kind. She will become important to later stuff. If she is coming across as easily replaced by a lamp, that's v. bad. Ah, well, tried to make him feel good about himself in a way which shows her own complete misunderstanding of the situation. Or such was my intent. The point of L was to provide context on Chasm, which will be important later. In particular, this sentence shows the difference between the two nations. That being said, A's own hair is described in the same part, I believe. In the prologue, it's noted that D's head is shaven. I can't remember if I described Ha's hair, but I gave a rundown of his physical characteristics. Bulbous nose. Short. Wide. Glasses. I honestly don't understand this criticism, but I welcome further explanation! I... also don't understand this criticism. She's a student assistant. Who feels bad about letting a giant platypus into the room (now there's a sentence I didn't think I'd ever write). Then, when there is a true emergency, she becomes much more efficient than the male protagonist. Once more - I welcome further explanation! I think your criticism largely identifies poor characterisation on my part. Definitely something to work on - thanks for the feedback. This is probably not the right place for this, but congratulations on the wood working book! It's a hobby I keep meaning to take up myself. @Sarah B Thanks for taking the time to read it! Confusion is definitely a recurring reaction. I'm gonna need to do a lot of work, but at least now I have a firm idea of what's wrong. @Snakenaps This was actually a very useful comment. It helped me see and analyse the promises I was making without even realising it. Yay, someone noticed! Ahaha. The rest of your comments highlight my need for context and the questions I raised but didn't answer. Thank you for your post; it is very, very helpful.

I would say what happened previously... except nothing has.

I'd like to submit as well, please. I have an introduction of 1000 odd words and a first chapter. Should I submit only one or both?

Edit: Not sure, but I think internet problems caused a double-post. Apologies.