TheDwarfyOne

Never apologise for writing an honest critique, @Robinski! There aren't enough of them in the world, and they are to be treasured. The reasons for changing the setting so drastically: 1) I felt it made more sense to the narrative to show where the stone came from. 2) The prologue was giving conflicting notions of genre. There was a robot so people assumed steampunk, etc. 3) It would be better to insert the relevant information from that prologue in other ways throughout the narrative, whereas the stone is much more immediately relevant. I've changed it a bit since that, so hopefully some of your other issues have been addressed. Good point on separating the prologue a bit more from the main story. Interesting point about setting. I did flow down conventional lines, and without realising it. Hrmmmm. As for Are's lack of contractions, it's because he's a 'foreigner' from the west.

Thanks for critiquing. Y'all are great. @Mandamon I had wondered that myself! But so much juicy exposition is in the previous bit. (I've edited the pages down and tried to slip the exposition into the fight scene and its aftermath. I think it definitely comes out better. Thanks.) Yep, I need to make the connection A has to the royal family clearer. I was wondering if I could get away with doing that later though. But a few people have pointed out confusion. I may also need to make the connection (and conflict) between royal and religious power more obvious. He didn't, though? If you're referring to the conversation with the two young uns. He didn't spill, Master H did. Though now that I think about it, the conversation with old drunky should show that he was desperate enough for info that he risked spilling state secrets in public. That's a snazzy way to think of it, thanks! I hope I've patched up the rest of your comments as well. It's very helpful seeing what confuses people - I seem to have an issue with that atm. No doubt it'll come with time. @Turin Turambar The not knowing why we should look forward to the next chapter is a common issue, methinks. Thanks for the feedback! @Sarah BI miss the depth too! But I think it was getting in the way of legibility. I figure it's best to diffuse that stuff over a few chapters. I'm gonna go into more depth on the magic later. But different materials have different properties when revesced off. Iron inspires brighter, blinding light. I don't think so. 'The king ate his breakfast' as opposed to 'The King ate his breakfast'. 'The mayor decreed' as opposed to 'The Mayor decreed'. Thanks for the critique! @shatteredsmooth Indeed? I'll go through again editing this. Thanks. Yep, clarifying this. Oh boy, do tell, what's that? I hate it when people load words I want to use with preconceptions, hehe. Thanks for reading through it. Issues: The prologue A's career motivation and confusion over connection to royal family. His character 'sliders' not being well adjusted. No oomph to propel us into the next chapter.

Thoughts as I go: P. 1. M glared at… who? Redlight should be red light. P. 2. The internal monologue here feels a bit repetitive and could be condensed. I’m guessing ‘ace’ is some kind of American slang? First time ever, not every. P. 3. T’s lips purchased together? What did they buy? XD What’s a suitmate? P. 4. The first rule of Fight Club? P.5. “Um, who do you actually have feelings for?” This seems out of the blue and inorganic. P. 6. M. doesn’t know for SURE that thinking about her body is why T’s fighting is getting worse. It could be awkwardness from the conversation or any number of things. Call it for the day The kiss and its instigation feel clunky. I think it’s because you don’t convey the emotions they are feeling, just give a blow by blow of what happens. “When the suit, no one else was there”? P. 8. The two sentences beginning with A’s name towards the end could probably be conjoined. P.9. Her head ached. P. 10. Huh, her dad’s an angel. I feel like an angel wouldn’t have a similar perspective to M on the whole importance of kissing thing, but that’s a personal preconception. There was a lot of clunky description in this chapter. I think it's because you frequently tell rather than show. There were I feel like I wasn't invested in M, probably because this is the only chapter I've read. So far all I really know is she wants to kiss people but can't, but I don't really care about that. I will also admit that I wouldn't choose this sub-genre, so that may also explain my lack of connection. Your writing style was good.

And a great name for a snake. Though you should really attach him to a caduceus if you want to complete the Classics feel.

A second draft. Hopefully this cleaned up things like genre and unsympathetic character.

Hey now, people are meant to assume it's for Mat Cauthon's Red Hand Band, stop spoiling my fun by being knowledgable

ReCon? I'm glad you had a poke around up here, though other than the big cranes I can't imagine what Belfast has for a tourist. I'm biased though. I like the countryside and the sea best.

I've travelled all over the UK, from the Giant's Causeway and Antrim to Oxford, Cambridge, Tintern Abbey, the Angel of the North, Glasgow, the Lake District, the Yorkshire Dales. Can highly recommend. But I believe you lot would enjoy a relatively small town in Scotland. Wigtown.

I hear ye on the heights thing. I'd love to visit America, but haven't yet. You should try out Northern Ireland at some point. I'm low key in love with it, and it's notably different from the Republic.

I know! It revolutionised my writing. I am perhaps overly fond of the research tab. My world is static with three 'suns' moving around it, so I have used MS paint to (roughly) let me know where the suns will be at any given time. I've uploaded that image to the research folder, along with a picture of Elton John (because his glasses resemble an in-story convention of wearing similar glasses) and various notes. I even have a tab on platypuses in there.

Why restrict rant day to Friday? That strikes me as an all-week attraction. The dedication to humane hunting is admirable. My strongest impression of hunters is mounted townsfolk pursuing a baying pack of hounds, shooting and killing whatever animal they come across. For the fun, do not mistake me; not for population control or food. And they have no respect for farm boundaries, so frequently their hounds would terrorise our dogs, notably when they were puppies. They are the type of people who would shoot a boar three times just to hear it scream, because that is the sport they're after. This is, of course, a different context from your own. I live in Northern Ireland, where the biggest wild animal is probably a hare or fox. Though I believe there might be deer in some places. I have little experience with animal suffering, thankfully. My dad is a careful farmer who cares for his animals and hates to see them distressed - something which is not as common as it ought to be. He loves and maintains the hedges, trees and bog, giving a place to wild animals as well. I only know of one animal that suffered. We could not find the bull on one occasion. I was called out to help look for it. We walked up and down the fields, and finally found it, dead. It had been pushed into a ditch by the other cows, and extreme bad luck had it on its back. There was a trickle of water at the bottom of the ditch. The sides of the ditch were grooved where it had kicked, writhed, tried to get up; to no avail. During the night it must have lost strength, because it drowned. Looking down on the bull has left an indelible mark on my memory. Well, there's my Friday rant. Thanks for tuning in.

I'd like a slot too, please. I've redone the prologue and am currently rejigging the first chapter.

I am divided on this issue myself. Living in the country, I've been involved in calving and raising cattle. I still eat and enjoy meat, but when I let myself think about it I feel a certain level of self disgust. Reasoning that the animal was dead whether I ate it or not seems like a bit of a cop out. I'm against hunting, though mainly because the dominant form near me is fox - ie trophy - hunting. Hunting for food isn't something I would do - I wouldn't want to distress an animal - but I don't view it as morally bad. My dad is a bit like yours. On one occasion I mentioned that I'd considered becoming vegetarian, and he sort of looked at me sideways and said "you're kidding, right?" Well that sounds nice. My family and my books are at a certain level of friction. My mum is about to have an aneurysm over the number of my books which have crept into her livingroom. Oh well, ahaha.

Can confirm, Scrivener is the bees knees. I got it recently. I love the research tab in particular; I've linked images, videos, story building theory, all sorts in there. And then a separate section for my world-building. Previous to this I'd used Word documents. Many, many word documents. And I couldn't remember where everything was. When I was compiling everything on Scrivener concerning my magic system, I had three word documents open, a sheaf of handwritten notes, and screenshots of an illuminating conversation about the system I had with a friend.

Well, thanks. I've never written anything worth publishing, but I'll let you know if I do.

The Wanderer’s Song That day when days went dim the fish of some unlooked-for pool shone bright and pink and blue. A song. I’d wandered long through endless space debris and dust in search of it. But found it not. Instead, I found a woman. Cunning, knowing, Loving skies. We joined in common enterprise to find the song. The song. One day We landed on a barren hill. “We will not find it here” I said. But she was gone. A fall. No more. It was enough. The hard land drank of her while I turned onwards, ever upwards. I had a longing for the sky. But I got lost in crags then caves where dappled beings slouched and water wormed primordial cracks. I sat beside a pool and thought and saw. That day when days went dim the fish of some unlooked-for pool shone bright and pink and blue. I saw. And wept.

That's a great word. I'm just gonna file that away for future use.

What do 'schoz' and 'petrichor' mean? Did you make them?

I was going to keep a page by page list of issues, but didn't find that many. On page one, you say: “enough prompt I to say the truth.” Missing a word here, I think. What happens: I goes to palace. Griffin lets her in. P is introduced. She is shown cubby. There is some talk about what will happen to potential spies. She sees BK. She has breakdown. I feel like you could condense this, the first part in particular. If you started the narrative with P being introduced and tossed in a line about the cubbies it would have the same impact. The bits I found most interesting were the explanations of magic, its consequences, and her feelings about the BK. Something which I had expected but didn't get was a notion of the complications her naming powers would raise. I feel like there should be hooks tying this into later plot. I kept expecting her to realise a passing nobleman was using the wrong name (dun dun dunnnn) or something similar, then feeling cheated when it didn't happen. I feel like you focus so much on making this chapter describe the new world which I now inhabits that you forget to make it relevant to the plot. That seems like a harsh reading. Maybe I'll realise I was being silly when I read the above comments. I will say that I appreciated the writing, the worldbuilding (in particular magical consequences) and the character of P, who I view in the same light as my own mum. Friendly and domestic, but with the potential to cast that aside in the right circumstances. I feel this was intentional. Also, unrelated, but your website and associated art is great.

Thoughts as I go: P. 1. A tight bank in the river. Not sure that makes sense. A curve? Don’t forget past tense on ‘cross.’ A few other grammar mistakes, but I’m sure you’ll notice them on a subsequent edit. And Robinski will probably delight in explaining them I felt this was a slow opening. Could probably condense it into fewer sentences. P.2. Beginning to get into the meat of the story. Interesting dialogue between creature and girl, highlighting both setting and character. P. 3. “He yanked the staff up with T leaping off it and flaring his wings to avoid getting tossed.” Again, could condense this. The sentence means almost exactly the same thing if you excise “to avoid getting tossed.” I now realise Z is a boy not a girl. Oops, my fault. P. 4. I feel like you could heighten the “good character who is only trying to help doesn’t get aid from those he’s protecting” feel here. Could be like a Geralt of Rivia vibe. Also I don’t understand the contention. They claim he’ll be dead weight, but surely giving him accommodation won’t take hands away from work? They might even be glad he came, because it’s an extra pair of hands. The only feasible cost is food, which they’re offering him anyway. I get the feeling this is perhaps related to him being a Seeker, which possibly prevents him from working – if that’s the case, you should let us know before he speaks to the guards. ‘Gritted,’ not grit. Tense seems to be an issue. The young woman sounds so much like a guardsman that Z thinks she is one before seeing her? P. 5. Ah, the young woman is the witch, and the guard was speaking to her. That was not apparent. P. 6. Finally get an explanation for why he was refused hospitality. Something to do with moon light usage. P. 7. Again mentioning lack of supplies… but they’d already offered him food. P. 8. Clunky dialogue starting “Yes, this village’s crop of fighters.” Again, could be abbreviated/condensed. P.12. Strong D&D Bard references. P.21. The last line. I feel T wouldn’t have vocalised the meaning behind Z’s lie – that he knows who it is – unless the beast is more malicious than I’d assumed. I feel he just blurts out the emotion. Themes: Good person maligned by uncaring society Unlikely friends Mystery doesn’t really feature that much, except towards the end. Faith and goodness can overcome evil. I greatly enjoyed the idea of T. An emotion-reading (and blurting) companion? Imagine if Z had a crush on someone. Many incredibly embarrassing possibilities to explore! In fact, loads of interesting, immersive things going on there. So, to sum - a slow start. Issues with tense and grammar (I didn't list them all; I assume a general edit will find them). I feel like you could have tightened up your sentences and paragraphs. I enjoyed the world. There's a lot going on there that can be built upon. However, I don't think you focused on one overriding theme to drive the entire story. The themes which I listed above all felt slightly tangential. My two cents! Definitely want to read more.

.... To further illustrate the point, I turned it into a sonnet. The Ent I can recall the rain on corn in sighs While bees flitted in forests made of ease And great-grey rose the crownings of the trees Above lost pathways under jewelled skies. Life stretched into an age. I laughed so well Elves heard and drew from me still-water song Which passed like ages, beautiful and long To the refraining tinkle of a bell. I came to love the gush of silver bloom Which marked the rowan on the hill, now felled So that songs falter and words failed Describing axes brought with flame and doom. But I recall, if not relive, the bees And singing golden music to the trees.

Thanks very much! I read some theory afterwards which you may find interesting. I'll demonstrate with a poem (quality not guaranteed; written as an example). The Ent I can recall the rain When bees flitted in forests, Corn brought whispered sighs. I walked lost paths which stretched Into an age. I chortled So my bark grew cracked. Elves saw, and taught me speech So I could sing of growing To refrains of star and sky. Sigh, sigh. For ages fly. The rowans kept this hill In gouts of silver bloom 'Til crowns were burned. I loved them. Wind forgets Their exhalations. I am mute With stump-like words. But I recall, if not relive A time I sang, and bees Were golden on the trees. This is where I stopped, though I could keep changing it. The theory relates to expansion and contraction. You take an idea - in this case I'd just reread the chapters concerning Ents in LotR - and write some stream of consciousness paragraphs concerning it. Like so: Then you pick out the pieces which seem most poetic. Like so: This is the first contraction. You are then meant to expand (or, more appropriately, sew these pieces together). Like so: Then you contract again, thinking more of structure and form. More innovation if you wish. Like so: Technically you can leave it here, but I decided to contract further, thinking more of form, and got the final poem. The first half uses trochee and is juxtaposed with the second, slightly broken verse. Completely unsolicited, I know, but I found it an interesting method. Thought others might like it, even if I mess it up Edit: I should say that I don't recommend being slavish in the use of methods for poetry creation. But this method encourages people to think of the important elements of poetry - language, form and structure. For instance, in my final contraction I could have experimented with traditional forms. Forced it into a sonnet, couplets, whatever. I think it's useful to think of any poem which you create as an organic thing. It is never static, caught in amber like a fossil. It is alive and can change. [/my two cents]

I enjoyed reading about Judaism. I'm surprised at how little I know. Sounds like a great idea for a story, @Snakenaps.

'Amortize' - hey, I learned a new word today. I'm sure your wife loved it.

I wasn't a fan. (Never heard of him). But I am now.