TheDwarfyOne

Notes as I go: P. 1. “was over a decade old, from T. She would have been sixteen now.” – so T would have been six, meaning it wasn’t from T, but for T perhaps? P. 3. “taking note of my movements.” – In the wrong person! It’s N’s movements. P. 4. Interesting. The demon is her… date? Friend? I foresee a story-line in which a lonely girl has summoned a demon to be her companion, exploring themes of loneliness, never knowing if the demon is plotting against her. But I’m probably getting ahead of myself, ahahah. “Comptable.” ?? P. 6. “vehicle whose physique would only be enhanced in the shadows rather than diminished” - Aha. Why do I feel this is indicative? Nice description too. P.8. “An older man caught N’s eye, glanced at Raphael, then winked conspiratorially.” – Why? Because he thinks R is a sugar daddy? Because he thinks she’s a prostitute? Why would he wink conspiratorially at that? P. 9. “to rapidly paint the table.” – unneeded adverb. “His portion is somewhere a lot and piggish - N had ordered him a double helping for him.” Wrong tense. And you use him twice. P. 10. “a devil likes mediterranean salad.” – tense. P. 11. “Stared. His eyes slitted.” – “He stared. His eyes were slitted.” P. 13. I can’t help but feel that N is being painfully obvious in wishing to dig for information. R is being very naïve to go along with it. Not sure if that’s the intended goal. P. 14. “I began to” – person. P. 15. Maybe think of italicising the French. “I’d bet that at least five of those have the most unimpeachable alibis as to why they barely bought any souls.” He nodded, rubbing his hairless chin. “The most cunning would not have been caught up in the travails of war. I’ll talk to her. Horns and tails but I will.”” – You lost me here. I don’t follow the logic/understand what this means. Is it because his devils are crafty, ergo those claiming the war got in their way are liars and holding back souls? Maybe. But I don’t know. Also, I’m still waiting for Ja to become relevant. P. 17. “[INSERT MENTAL CURSING BECAUSE IT FITS]” – Em, yes. Overall: I feel like more visceral and active language is needed, stronger verbs for N than “moved,” “watched,” “wondered.” Perhaps the character isn’t hugely phased by the supernatural. But richer verbs bring the scene to life regardless. You frequently confuse tense and sometimes confuse person. There are also other grammar issues which should be easily corrected, and sometimes oddly phrased sentences.N herself is confusing. The story begins as if she's summoned a demon to be her date, then segues into taxes, then segues into information-mining, none of which with any contextualising information to say why. Edit: I read the other comments. I got... next to none of that.

Notes as I go: P. 1. “thinking, before dismissing whatever thought flew by her mind. It must not have been important.” - Rather than say she dismissed the thought (which Ir wouldn’t know anyway) show how Ir would get that impression. Shaking her head? Looking away? P. 2. “The laughter inside of the room” – unnecessary ‘of’ “Student was an understatement” – no it’s not. A student is someone who needs to learn, which is what Ir is. “L, her magic confirmed.” – maybe you should italicise for her magic stuff? Actually, this entire paragraph is a bit long. Consider splitting it into the different people performing actions. So, after “wings dipping gracefully” have a new para for Ir’s magic. Then a new para for the gittern. Then a new para for the young man. Who, by the way, should probably introduce himself before demanding others introduce themselves, or at least have Ir thinking it’s rude that he kinda ignores her when she comes in. Everyone seems set to maximum wattage as well. Like, Ir enters and they immediately do their best to introduce their respective characters as blatantly as possible. Not that that’s a bad thing! But it’s a bit much all at once. P. 3. I feel like unfocused eyes would inspire discomfort rather than surprise. P. 6. It sort of feels like Ir is being entirely reactive in this scene. I’d like to see her impose herself a bit more… P. 7. “Our stomach” – stomachs? Overall: Dialogue between multiple people needs work, and Ir definitely needs to be more active.

Notes as I go: P. 1. I felt when it came to “As soon as P. released her” that you were talking about every day rather than that particular instance. “Terracotta and cream blurs” – nice. Perhaps “Of the cliff?” Ah, yes, finally! A proper and intense emotional reaction to what’s happened. I don’t know how much editing you’ve done, but maybe indicate this is coming in the previous chapter. P. 4. Is there any way to know if someone is magical in-universe? Because if I were in that universe and saw someone do something no one else could do – like touch iron – I would assume it was their magical ability. Also, flip, why would he be making nails out of a harmful substance? I’d assumed he’d be making weapons for the BK. Now THAT would be an interesting use for iron. War and oppression – which the BK would love to exploit. Not much wrong with this chapter! Well written.

Notes as I go: P. 1. “Myself” - used too many times in first sentence! “Barnes and Noble” – nice touch of realism. “I was a bit unsteady, but the crisp autumn air and the light exercise helped clear my head and though it still hurt, I otherwise felt fine.” – Run-on sentence “Wicking away”? “Weaving” It was my first impulse to say that this page didn’t follow the “in late, out early rule.” I’d be inclined to give her a paragraph or two to process and move, then get into the meat of the chapter. But the part about paranoia is probably an important character note. Though “that had washed through me” should drop the “had.” P. 2. “Shiver in my bones” – if this is a phrase specific to the character, great! Otherwise it seems a bit confusing. Going into page two, I definitely feel like we’re just delaying the action. I like the description, but feel it could be condensed. P. 4. “The sound was annoying, and I was about to back away from the two of them to get away from the sound until one of them opened their mouth. Instead canine teeth, the woman had fangs.” – the sentence needs reworked. Also, finally, the conflict! At page four it’s coming a bit late. P. 5. A bit confused. You keep calling the man ‘she’? “She’s a demon,” I rushed out, before I could reconsider what was coming out of my mouth. “You think I’m insane, but wait for her to try to bargain for your soul.” – I feel most of the dialogue could be cut, and this should come very near the start. P. 7. “A runs the universe.” I take it Y is a Muslim? Do they not say Allah’s full name, or something? Is she being irreverent or witty or rude? This has been a looooooooot of description. It would be better to have a few paragraphs at the start outlining the trip, describing some salient points of local geography. Maybe her noticing fang-woman leading a man astray and wishing she could help, then leap straight into the conversation with Y and S. P. 9/10. Whiiiiich should probably not read so much like an inquisition. The rest is in a similar vein. The main problem I have with this chapter is its lack of real conflict. You have a smidge at the start with fang-lady (except even that was diluted by dealing with it through the man, and the demon was entirely passive and sheep-like) and then a smidge more at the end. But the real focus of this chapter seems to be description and exposition, both of which are done well, but neither of which makes a reader turn the page. Or rarely does. Look forward to the next chapter!

Silent Valley reservoir. As for the bay... I'm actually not sure. But it's just down the coast from Carlingford. Edit: Yep, I google mapped it, and it's probably Carlingford Lough

I'll send a pic when I get it Also, went up the Mournes yesterday. 14 and a half miles.

So I just spent 235 quid on the WoK leatherbounds. Somebody send a shrink, I need my head examined (Totally worth it though)

Notes as I go: P. 3. The name is a good fit for him! But I’m not sure if “Decay!” is a curse or a translation of his name… P. 5. “Who guided you to the latrines yesterday.” – did she? I don’t remember that. I haven’t read the chapter where the inciting incident occurred – the unicorn-rescue – so I’m confused by how Ir suddenly realises the unicorn was the king. Maybe the names were the same? I’m not sure whether my confusion is an issue with the chapter or a result of my ignorance. P. 6. I find it hard to believe that Ir could learn an instrument in time… her contract lasts a year, and that’s not much time to hone the required skill to pretend to be a professional. Unless they let her play the triangle or something, or she has previous musical experience…? “Ir Ir Ir, I release you” - Unless there’s a known reason for the repetition – I’m thinking like in fairy where swearing something thrice makes it a more potent oath – I’d be inclined to just say “I release you.” I found the BK’s magical ability interesting – suggestion, more than compulsion, perhaps? – but feel he could have made his instructions more succinct. P. 7. “Ir quickly strode” – striding implies speed, so no need to say ‘quickly.’ P. 8. “Ir knew that she herself had more pride than what was strictly necessary when it came to her own skills in the kitchen.” – could be condensed. For instance, “Ir was proud of her own culinary skills.” “It was easy to see it radiating off of B in waves.” Same issue! “It almost visibly radiated from B” or something. “Conquer of monarchies” – conqueror. Nice interaction between P, the secretary, and Ir. It highlights their three distinct characters. I’m glad to have finally met the BK. I have a better fix on his character, and he’s ceased to be an indirect threat.

Apologies for late critique! At least I get to start into the next chapter almost immediately! Notes as I go: P. 2. “P said it with cheerful wistfulness.” – This feels like a ‘show, don’t tell’ moment. Also, the previous bit “I’s curiosity drove her like an itch” struck me as strange. Probably because it made her curiosity seem like an uncomfortable skin condition thing. “Said the capital of Ma with such joy” – Point of note. When cows get excited their tails go up, they raise their heads. They become full of a vibrating energy. They often run wild after, of course, hoofs kicking up and head tossing. But I suspect that last isn’t in P’s character. Really, this is another ‘show, don’t tell’ point. Repetition of ‘first’ in the next line. P. 3. Much better description of the kitchen. I was transported and felt I’s wonder. Though the word is ‘decadent,” not ‘decedent’, ahaha. What you said amounts to “A marvellous, dead-person dream” XD P. 4. “P smiled as she found excuses to lengthen the visits.” I’m having issues describing why this bothered me. Maybe something to do with voice? It feels like, in the middle of I’s exposition, we have a splinter of P. Perhaps “Though Ir noticed P smiled” or something similar? Also, how does one stretch the truth harshly? The bit “She had scabbed both knees,” etc., is a bit long to convey I’s excitement. A sentence would convey the same. Plus I think “she had” is the wrong tense? No doubt Robinski has covered that already though. P. 5. “Bathhouses this morning,” that punched me from the narrative. Maybe change ‘this’ to ‘in the’ or something similar? “Out of his hand, giving a large bovine sigh” I feel we’re missing the actually eating bit. I wondered why she was sighing as she levitated it. Also, though, ‘large bovine sigh’ is a great way to describe the noise. P. 6. “Knowing she would never get the chance to taste the sweet, spicy flavor of cinnamon again.” – loved it. P. 7. “With a flick of her tail, Pem guessed” - sounds like we switched to P’s POV. The para starting “I wasn’t too sure.” – ‘Too’ should probably be ‘so.’ I liked this para. It showed I’s character – of course she’d know more about kitchens and staff relations than P! – and gave us a hint of future mystery. P. 8. Oooooh, the plot thickens. P. 9. Now where did W get identifying tokens… The description with the guards indicates alertness, which made the yawn surprising. P. 10. “He had been warned of their arrival by B’s telepathy.” – Great use of a telepathic creature. “I thought you had said you were coming in as a man this time.” TBK said, taking in the disguise of a servant woman.” Comma after ‘time’ and you can probably remove ‘of a servant woman.’ “P’s schedule had them finish the kitchens two days ago.” – Hah! P. 12. It occurs to me that it’s not just I who knows W’s name, but P as well. P. 14. “Before digging a small brush out of one of her pockets.” – doesn’t she use telekinesis? P. 17. The eminent meeting with TBK definitely makes me want to turn into the next chapter.

@Mandamon That's a great summary! Thanks. Looking into it, the karate one has a webpage. It's Wado-Ryu, taught by someone with 30 years' experience, apparently. Seems pretty close to what I'd wanted - namely something practical. Three training days a week, so fits in with whatever my schedule might be. There's a breakdown of kyu which lists kata, so that seems good. Looks like I've narrowed it down.

Don't worry, dude, you and I could make enough buzz to make these murricans envious. As a complete tangent, I'm thinking of taking up a martial art when I go back to university. Options thus far - Tai-Jutsu, Taekwondo, Karate, Aikido, Judo, Jujitsu. But I have zero idea what the differences between them are. I'm thinking it'd be best to go to their stalls on open night and ask. If Covid allows such things. Which it won't. Meaning it'd also be a bad time to be thinking of a martial art. Maybe... fencing? There's at least an implied distance there

Notes as I go: P. 1. Grammar! It took me a few rereads to determine what you meant by ‘more unanimous’. The next line, “all of listed were” uses a different tense (were) and omits a ‘the’. The entire sentence seems much too long to me. Think of maybe replacing a comma somewhere with a full stop. I’ve now realised that the reason for the tense change is because goblins are (presumably) a thing of the past. Think of clarifying this. “Long-limned” should be “long-limbed,” though I’ve always like ‘limned’ as a word. P. 2. “Non-transformational magic was not goblin forte.” I don’t know if healing isn’t, strictly speaking, a form of transformation. P. 3. “He moved Shadow.” The capitalisation confused me. Is Shadow a creature? Or do you mean shadow, the thing? This is clarified almost instantly. Gotcha. It’s a creature. I am enjoying your language. The goblin’s otherness is coming across very well. I’m usually not a fan of single-syllable lines, but they work well here. P. 7. I like the characters. I feel O is sympathetic, whereas C has the potential to become an evil witch in the woods. P. 16. Called it. Evil witch/goblin in the woods it is! Overall: I feel like this has a lot of potential. It just needs tightened up in a few respects. I feel, for instance, that the portion with Ro wasn’t strictly necessary. I was wondering what the connection between the goblin and Ro was. And your language could be clearer throughout, as I wasn't always certain what was happening. But on the whole I enjoyed it.

Gumshoe? Dresden's great. I love the fluidity of his fight scenes. They feel like a rolling wave. I also enjoy the character. It's hard to make someone seem unique, but he managed it.

TBR? Part of what I appreciate about the Dresden Files is it shows Butcher's development as an author, very clearly. I'll use an analogy which my father favours. Butcher is like an old-style mason's apprentice constructing a wall. The wall begins uneven and broken and haphazard, but as the apprentice gains experience he also gains ability. The wall straightens, evens. His apprenticeship is over when he finishes the wall. Strangely, I'd never heard of WorldCon before you lot were talking about it, but that's hardly surprising considering I've never been to any con. Maybe I'll go to the Washington one if it's possible.

Oh, Chicago? I'd not mind going there. I've read enough books set in it. Most recently the Dresden Files.

And how often do you swim? I can just see you circling the Isle of Arran.... I go for a 6 and a half mile jog/run most days, but it's only made bearable by Audible. I'd get hugely bored if I couldn't 'read' while doing it.

You swim every day? Outside? No matter the weather?

This is a very good point.

Okay. Three POVS so far. P's isn't being repeated. A's is the main. H's is the secondary. The contention is that it's too many POV's at once. Should I then do two chapters in A's POV, then do H's? My concern is that would mess up pacing. But confusing people is potentially worse.

Thanks for critiquing, everyone! @Snakenaps Hrm, good point. Oh, yea, don't do that It's also an historic method of preserving bodies. Alexander the Great was buried in the stuff. Keeping the dead preserved is important in this culture, and the rich have elaborate (and expensive) means of doing so. I figured honey was a cheaper slum-alternative. I... just realised I've been horribly misspelling that word. It's meant to be protuberant. The more you know. Thanks for the critique. Now go wash your eyes with bleach. I know I wanted to after reading about mellification. @Mandamon I'm guessing that's not really an issue, though? It's a new POV character in the second chapter. It's fairly typical to have prologue, First POV, Second POV. Right? Definitely an issue. Will have her be more active. Speaking for a 'union' type deal which would protect workers from the priests. Maybe I should make that clearer. To be fair, he's meant to be a bitter old man who's abusing his daughter, so yay . But I take your point on explaining motivations better. I might add a new scene with her staking the place out after this, but that would probably make this chapter longer than A's previous one, which I don't really want to do. Decisions, decisions. Thanks for your comments. They're always useful. @Turin Turambar Yes, dear? A valid point! I'll have to highlight in this chapter just how incompetent a thief she'd make. Even if she doesn't realise it. Thanks for helping! @Ace of Hearts Well, he can't walk. So he's definitely become inactive. And developed a belly. But I will be sensitive! Hrm. Of course I will. Many thanks for the feedback! I appreciated your what worked vs. what didn't approach. A handy way to do it. @Robinski Not a baaaaaaad thing though! I hope. Or more people are gonna be googling mellification than is strictly necessary. Ah, does it? Care to extrapolate? It's a religious ideal, here. Permanence vs. transience. I didn't feel like delving into the nuts and bolts of religious practice was strictly necessary, though. Background rather than foreground material. Do you want to get Captain Jack Sparrow? Because that is how you get Captain Jack Sparrow. I am embracing descriptivism over the prescriptive rules imposed upon language by Latin-loving (and draconian)18th century grammarians. I totally didn't just make a spelling mistake. Even in slums, people can get adequate food. In modern slums people grow vegetables in sacks with soil and rocks added. Rye bread is the food of the poor. They live very near to a big river, so fish isn't an uncommon resource. But maybe I should change it anyway if it comes across as too extravagant. Yea, gonna have to spruce up dem motivations. I mean, who doesn't? An interesting point. As I mentioned above, he can't move his legs - ergo greatly reducing his ability to perform aerobic (fat-burning) exercises. The question of whether he's staked a monopoly on the food is curious, though. Fair point on the juices. (As an aside, that scene in the movies was an act of cinematographic genius. No blood, very little actual violence on-screen, and yet I still felt the visceral horror. More strongly, in fact, than any other charge - in any movie - has inspired). A thought provoking critique, thanks. @Sarah B Nope, you're right! But I'm thinking a third scene where she's away from the father could cement that notion. Maybe. I believe Snakenaps commented something similar. I'll definitely paint more of the background. Thanks! I'm very glad I found this group.

Notes as I go: P. 1. “I’ve listened for years about the palace kitchens” – a slight rewording to ‘I’ve heard about the palace kitchens for years’? Otherwise it’s confusing, because you hear that type of thing, you don’t listen it. P. 2. Repetition of “first.” Not necessarily bad, but I noticed it. “’Thanks!’ An extra bounce seemed to have been added to P’s step.” – Very awkward phrasing. P. 3. I like the initial description of the kitchen, and its scale! Kinda interested in the interaction between ‘mundane’ and ‘civilized’ here, and wonder whether the turnspit dogs would be mundane or civilized… Hrmmm, the first few sentences of P’s POV seem to be clunky. For instance ‘decided to herself’ would be much better as simply ‘decided’. I think the POV in itself isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but as it stands it doesn’t say much about character or conflict, just gives a single bit of information – that P will keep them in the kitchen longer. This could be handled just as easily through a sentence of dialogue, and it can be implied she’s being kind. P. 5. “her blood hadn’t sung like this for eternity” – again, seems unnecessarily clunky. Yep, the sudden omniscient at the end here was really jarring. You could definitely imply all that with I’s voice instead. Overall: I think you're right to think this would do better condensed. I can see it being reworked into a single scene of a different chapter.

Note: I heavily edited the prologue and chapter one, so the following summary will seem different. Previously: Prologue: P fights some desert tribesmen. When tackling I about his late arrival, it turns out that one tribesman survived. After some dialogue and conflict, it becomes apparent that he possesses a potentially dangerous artifact. P takes it and leaves an angry I behind. Chapter One: A pumps H for info, but gets very little. A nearby noblewoman and a westerner talk to and about him briefly, revealing that he killed his mother - the king's aunt - when very young. A leaves and finds his assistant suffering at the hands of muggers. They attack, taking the artifact. The westerner saves him and brings him to his office, where he reveals the Tr - the 'pope' - died soon after giving him the artifact. Chapter Two (current): New POV character! Hi is at a funeral, looking to conduct business.

July 13th for me, please!

@Snakenaps Thanks for the list! Definitely a lot of fuel for things to distract me from writing. I'm more than 60 sheets into Aegis.... (Cyrus is deffo the big bad, but guessed that from first appearance....) @Robinski I've been consistently strange since childhood. It's a matter of principle! It did lead to good dreams, though. Or should I say.... Funke-y ones? @shatteredsmooth Thanks! Though respectfully disagree, hahah. I'm alright at faces, though by no means stellar. I've tried composing scenes once or twice, it's out of my ballpark. Though I did just finish drawing my D&D character (Icarus, a compulsively-drinking satyr) realising the local settlement has been placed under prohibition. That was lots of fun.

Apologies for double post, but I was asked to show any new drawings. I even tried to give one of them a body for once! It... didn't really work, but I tried.