Mandamon

@PiedPeterPiper Absolutely no problem with you not critiquing. You're coming in on the last 5 chapters of the third book in a trilogy, so I would honestly be surprised if you weren't confused!

Thanks for submitting again! 1. What tone and type of story are you expecting? --Scifi, space opera, colony life. I was actually expecting a short story, for some reason. A relationship between the narrator at the beginning and S. 2. What elements would you expect to see? Ships, aliens, tech, Big Dumb Objects... 3. What big moment/climax would you anticipate, based on the first chapter? Probably some sort of species relations or new threatening tech. Something to turn S from a human (?) to whatever is happening in the first paragraph. As @kais says, this took a strange turn from humor to violence near the end, which confused me a bit. Overall, I got the reference to the ship's cat, but it was used so literally I at first thought S was some sort of sentient/uplifted cat. There would need to be some explanation. Also, I'm not convinced by the humans being scary thread. Nonsentient, violent, lacking in hygiene, yes. But when I'm asked to believe that we're the only sentient life evolved on Earth-like gravity or greater? Physics starts to get in the way. We need a really good explanation, like all sentient life comes from the oceans, or the "normal" temperature is like -40c, or something like that. S should be ripping the flooring up and bashing through walls if he's that dense. Simply saying that humans are big and dense and scary...we're not. Made some notes as I went along, just because. pg 1: I'm assuming the ship's cat is somewhat metaphorical? Or it's an uplifted cat or something? Not sure how S is telling stories. pg 2: "The contract band fitted snugly..." --This whole paragraph is confusing. Not sure what it's saying. Also, is S a human or a cat? pg 2: "human gasped" --humans? pg 3: "the human’s story" --still confused on what S is. pg 4: "Only I can open this locker" --or any other crewmember? I'd be worried the kids would be stuck if S dies pg 5: "go be a big scary human" --alright, so he is human. What does being scary have to do with anything in an emergency? pg 5: "Crushing gravity, deadly temperatures and a food chain overloaded with horrific predators" --interesting twist, since we see the opposite a lot in SF. Still, I'd question "crushing graity," at least. There are species on Earth that can stand up to much higher temps and pressures, so I'd be suprised if we were more near the middle of the spectrum. pg 5: "The breach alarm suggested the first" --I...was not expecting invaders, for some reason. I thought this was a ship malfunction or collision. pg 6: “Go take their weapons.” --so...not very good invaders, then. pg 6: "afterall" -> "after all" pg 7: "From the way the invaders gripped their weapons as he approached." --something missing in this sentence. pg 9: I have a lot of trouble suspending my disbelief enough to go along with humans being so dense compared to aliens that they can crush or rip them apart. We're just...not. Like physics-wise, Earth is not a particularly high-gravity planet, and humans are definitely squishy. Unless every other alien evolved on the upper fringes of a gas giant and are routinely killed by running into anything solid, I don't think this would happen. It's a cool concept, but it needs a really good reason why all the aliens are so flimsy.

I have quite similar comments to @aeromancer on this on. There was a lot of questioning about various philosophical ideas, but I felt like there wasn't a resolution. I can tell there's some worldbuilding behind all this, but there aren't yet enough hints to draw me in to find out more. We've got some sort of light magic, three suns, primitive robots/AI, a magic stone, orthodox and heretical magic/philosophy, and a shadow platypus, but...I can't find the coherent thread between them all, and I really want to. As much as I would say to be careful of prologues in modern fantasy, I actually liked this one. It was short, and gives us a sense of a world changing decision in letting the creature go free. But then I don't know what affect that has on the first chapter. Two philosophers talk, but there's not a concrete arc to the conversation.There's not a thesis that says "this is what this book will be about." I would either say you need more of an infodump (which is very rare) here to show how these things connect, or start with a different chapter that better engages the reader before getting into the more philosophical talk. Looking forward to more, though. I can tell there's an interesting story in there! Notes while reading: Cool epigraph. pg 3: "At least there are two of us now.” --Meaning D and H, or is D comparing himself to the creature? pg 4: "D had never seen it before" --huh. I got the impression somehow he was familiar with it, but looking back, I guess it didn't say that anywhere. pg 4: "Their children" --whose children? pg 4: "You destroyed the city but not its people" --except he just talked about killing children. pg 5: “I’d be glad to leave,” she said." --this is a quick decision and H goes along with it. Another few lines could explain D's decision a little better and give more important to the decision to (I assume) spare the creature. In fact, I don't think the last paragraph in the prologue is really necessary and It could have a stronger finish by removing it. pg 6: "heliophysicist" --interesting profession. pg 7: "three-sun conjunction in combat manoeuvres" --confused. What does the sun have to do this combat? Get it in the opponent's eyes? Or is this some sore of magic? pg 8: "to blackmail him!" --I wouldn't say this was blackmail. The physicist will spread a good word if A does him a favor. Fairly standard favor for favor. pg 8: "The sun Y" --I would either say have this in the prologue where it's first mentioned, or leave it out. It's pretty easy to guess it's a sun. pg 9: "pressed its broad bill" --wait...what's happening? pg 9: "He’d been lax in removing W’s. Even a scratch could kill, in time" --Uh...this seems more than lax. pg 9: "The antidote, Master,” --ah, at least they have this. pg 10: "precious metal" --what precious metal? pg 10: "A had enough problems without a new enemy." --He seems very unconcerned for almost killed this guy who has power over him. pg 10: "We know it reacts to contact with a hagus" --I can only read this as "haggis"... pg 10: “We’ll discuss this later,” --sort of confused over this whole section. pg 10, last paragraph: Not sure what's happening here. Is this a flashback? pg 11: "Anything from the slums..." --I can guess from the fact that they're called "slums" that they're probably not popular. pg 11: "Ah, maybe we could discuss the Steel King until you’re feeling yourself?" --I feel an infodump coming on... pg 11: "investigated any edge" --not sure what this means or why it's heretical. pg 12: "will need to adopt the same policy" --what policy? pg 12: "But he couldn’t even bring himself to touch the stone" --I really don't understand what's going on with the stone. Though I grumped about an infodump above, there wasn't one and now...I sort of want one. There's a lot of stuff here, and I can see there's some good worldbuilding behind it, but the hints are too vague and I can't find the connection between things. I need a bit more to draw me in.

Getting to the end! I took about 200 words out of the first chapter, and over a thousand from the second, based on feedback I've gotten, so I'm hoping these work better. SUB 33 Chapter 22. Back to S and WW. I changed a LOT of this one based on feedback from the last S chapter, so it might be a little rough. Now S finds an artifact with opens up and accepts the ring as a key. They open it up at the (changed) end of the last chapter. Just need to figure out what to do with it now. Let me know what you think. Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results. M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made. E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff. E/I appear in front of the rest of the cast and fill them in on everything. O gets some long overdue recognition and the whole crew starts planning to fight back. Back with S, he learns about the HoT and what comes next. Then it's off to Re to see how he's working with/against the Ari. M works with E/I on their connection, Talks to O, and E/I figure out their next steps. Then O talks with the hive and R with the Gr.

Getting to the end! I took about 200 words out of the first chapter, and over a thousand from the second, based on feedback I've gotten, so I'm hoping these work better. SUB 32 Chapter 21. E and I check on the Ari. I think this chapter came out better than I was expecting? Let me know! Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results. M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made. E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff. E/I appear in front of the rest of the cast and fill them in on everything. O gets some long overdue recognition and the whole crew starts planning to fight back. Back with S, he learns about the HoT and what comes next. Then it's off to Re to see how he's working with/against the Ari. M works with E/I on their connection, Talks to O, and E/I figure out their next steps. Then O talks with the hive and R with the Gr.

Yay! Congrats!

We had somebunny come visit our front door today!

Well, we'll see what happens for Monday 06/01. The next two chapters I have to submit are Ch 21: (currently 3727 words) and Ch 22: (currently 6764 words), depending on space.

Thanks @Robinski! Well, seems I've started off right at least, just need to continue this thinking. Four completely new species in the other facet, the Ari, and the Gr. So I was counting 5 "new" though maybe I should through the Ari in there as well. Just a lower gravity world. Check. I think I made a mention of it, but then never actually wrote the scene. This is something that should be back in chapter 16 as a statement of "here's what we're doing next." similar to what you wrote out. Can increase the tension through here. Ha! Fair point. I mean, O is not the best negotiator, but I'll see if I can make this work better. I'll mess with this. I envisioned P. politics as basically propaganda against another hive, getting the other members close enough to come under the sway of a different hive queen. Mentioned way back in ch 7! I probably need a reminder. He's also in Journey. Yep. I can put some more in about this. Nope. This is new. Basically the wilds of the forest at the top of the N, stretching all the way across. I didn't really touch this. Also check. Will increase tension. Yep! Planning for the future. Interesting. I might able to fit this in. Yep. Specificity. Well, that's less of a problem than I expected. I'll go through an add in more emotion about how everything is getting overrun. Thanks again!

Ok, well that's reassuring! I'll focus on more of a throughline of "On no the end of the universe" while still keeping the main core of the section. Ooof. I don't know if there is a good place to do this without breaking the flow of other chapters, which is why I stuck them all together here. I wonder if it's better to break the flow a little for one chapter, or to potentially take the readers focus away from the main plotline for multiple sections?

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Nice. I had some strong nostalgia just reading back through this, and I wrote Five Hive in February 2019! Lol. I like to point out occasionally how R is not always as awesome as she thinks she is... That's perfect. Hopefully it makes the ones who haven't read it want to! Hmm...okay. I may need to give this a little more explanation. This is his only POV in this, and I think also in Facets! It's on the opposite wall of this facet, along with Poler. No, but this is the sort of stuff I want to get into in later books! So, I don't really get into it, but the dreamer wasn't a majus at all. Everything he saw was caused by the voice, when it started to recently make inroad back to this reality. Thanks again!

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Cool. That was really my intent with these. They're not really essential to the story, but I like them in there. I'm glad several people enjoyed them. Interesting. I wasn't really thinking of them talking about this with the world ending, but that does make sense. I wonder if I just need to up the stakes in this section to shine a light on it. It does tie into a later chapter. Interested to see what everyone thinks of the end! Yay!

I would say I'm surprised by this, but my wife and I had to have the same talk with a friend of hers. But we're hijacking @shatteredsmooth's thread...

Lol. I'm pretty convinced that most of pre-college schooling is not particularly useful, and could be replaced with a lot more real-life applications and experiences.

Thanks @Robinski! So this is where I was wondering if this chapter is just extraneous. All this stuff is coming (except maybe a major death...I'm not overly fond of those), but this is a little breather before things start rolling downhill. The rest of the chapters after this point all roll into the ending. Yep, need to expand on this point. yep, just a passing reference. It was mentioned at least in Seeds, and maybe in some of the novellas. Lol. Yep, as I said it's stuff that sets up some future stories, but isn't wholly tied to this one. They seemed to work, taking the whole series into context, but I'm not sure how necessary they are. I think maybe cutting down the first two sections will help this one feel more important. I really want to have this in there, because it's important for the relationship between the three. Generally it seems like the others like the S/E/I relationship more, where you enjoy more of the adult's story, so that might be part of why you bounced off this. Hmm...I can certainly tone this down, but I sort of appreciate the ray of hope here. Yep, this is the focus of chapter 21. You had more of the reaction I was expecting this chapter to have, in that it's not really necessary. I'll have to ponder over how much of it I want to keep. Probably not all three sections, but I'll have to figure out which. I know I've stated a couple times that the two are connected, so I wonder how well this is coming across.

I think the bones of this chapter are good, but I definitely agree with @Snakenaps and @kais that certain sections are very bumpy. Hard agree with this. I was also homeschooled from 6th to 10th grade, went to a community college for 11th, and started college a year early. Still had lots of friends and got to do some really cool stuff. I feel like I have a better handle on "how to learn" than most. Anyway, I read through all the conversation, so I'll just agree that this needs some rework. I couldn't figure out how exactly to express this, but thankfully @kais did it for me! I thought the romance angle was a lot better in this chapter, but then M would just switch off or go to the other person again without a lot of reaction. I noted below, but some of her questions are so basic I'm more wondering if she has trouble understanding others, not that she might be ace. Yeah, all this especially. Glad to start learning more of the story with the demons, but I think we need some better relationship development before this point. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Worry washed over her. She wasn’t worried" --eh? pg 1: "when she realized she hadn’t done any homework had brought her here" --something off in this sentence. pg 2: "not something he talked about in the cafeteria where people might hear him." --but they're not in the cafeteria, are they? pg 2: "The whole thing had been a set up." --ah, interesting pg 2: "A strode over to the table with a tray" --wait, they are in a cafeteria? There were books a moment ago. pg 3: "What would happen if he ever realized she wasn’t entirely human?" --this sort of comes out of nowhere. It makes sense in context, but maybe needs another sentence in there to set the tone. pg 3: "I hope that’s all it was. I hope nobody hurt you" --stomach virus or fell down? Which one was the cover story? pg 4: "She wanted more masquerade memories" --this section is a lot better than the last one to set up the triangle between M, Mi, and T (and A?). pg 5: "did some stuff and talked some more. You spend too much time with him, so I wanted to know more about him and asked her.” --A seems all over the place with motivation. Was she just trying to find out about Mi, or did she actually like P. Also, have we met P yet? pg 5: "At the same time. Would you ever do that?" --I'm not sure if these thoughts are working. They're more like direct questions to M, and I don't think someone would think like this normally... pg 6: "Last month, when T tried to kiss her," --I can't remember how much time has passed so far. pg 6: "looking at the woman" --which one is the woman? It could have been either of the two described. pg 7: "dad materialized the living room with a far away look in his eyes, and started drawing with her while telling her what the dinosaurs had actually looked like." --I feel like we need some more background about dad. He's just sort of dropped like a nuclear explosion into the story every so often. pg 8: "He tried to start a conversation about cosplay, but M wanted to get back to A and T. After a few minutes of conversation..." --There's a weird space in here that feels like a conversation got cut out. pg 9: "Mi stood, caught off guard by his own jealousy" --you were talking about T being jelous, not Mi. Not that they can't both be, but it caught me off guard. pg 11: "They do look delicious" --how is she seeing the cupcakes? pg 12: the action scene with the car is sort of choppy. I don't think everything's introduced in the right order, and there's not a lot of emotional reaction from M. pg 12: "her body seemed to buzz, and she wanted to pull his face down to hers and kiss him" "Could she be attracted to multiple people at once" --I understand M's growing in how she views relationships, but these seem like obvious things. Like things that would be assumed in any romance. pg 12: "was spent when her brain auto healed" --I didn't catch this was happening. There's been several of those points in this chapter, when the story jumps over an explanation.

Yay! So glad you're here. Your critiques are very helpful. I really love being able to dive into revisions with a clear idea of what I need to do, rather than just staring at the page. For me, draft 3 and 4 is when things really start to shine. I'm really looking forward to what you do with the story. There is so much cool stuff in there and I've been scrolling through your drawings as well. I'd love to see this published!

Largely in agreement with @Robinski on this one, as usual. This one had some great character moments, and I think it could easily be appended to the last chapter, once some of that one is cut down. Yep. This is my biggest beef here. She's terrified of the big bad government (which we haven't really seen a cause for) yet instantly breaks the contract she sweated for 4-5 pages over signing. Wouldn't she expect them to come for her in the night or something? “I can’t let you do that. Working for those Fey,” --My other big problem. We don't have nearly enough buildup for why these people are bad, or why the citizens hate them., especially given they seem to have revitalized the city after the last terrible monarch. I can understand racial tensions, but this doesn't seem to be that either. There's the same mix of folks working for the Black King as there are in the city. I think replacing some of the spots in earlier chapters with little scenes about what terrible things the M's are doing will really up the tension. Enjoying it, though!

Thanks @Snakenaps, @Sarah B, and @kais! Oh definitely... This one's free here! Sorry again about these... That's right. Nope...but there is a definite pattern in how the five names are formed! I might have had too much fun coming up with this. Yep. They have three resources: wood, silk, and (rarely) crystal. Good guess No, but they have a similar way of forming it. It will probably come into play in later books. I didn't know that! Also, probably anything they want. I will try not to! Me too! You have no idea how much nail-biting I'm doing in the background, hoping to stick the landing... Cool! Glad it works. If I ever get around to it, I have an idea for a story long long in the past... Hmmm...Gathering allies for the big push. Looking back, I don't know how much I actually said this straight out. I'll add in a few lines. Yep. I can see that. Will adjust. She knows the worth of her advisor (and I guess he's technically her father too), but I take your point. Can add some more reticence. Lol. Now I'll have to look up if I describe what species it is in Journey... Ha. She's not a fan. Cool. Glad you got there. I'll add some more reminders in. This ties in to the end of Journey as well. The G weren't convinced they wanted to join, but the Assembly wanted to have them. A large organization pressuring a smaller one to join. I'll add in a couple more lines. Thanks all!

Thanks to @Snakenaps, @Sarah B, @kais, and @TheDwarfyOne! I don't state anything directly, but yes, this is similar to Buddhism. The Sath have the Form, O makes a lot of references to the ancestors, the E have sea gods, HD and the L have a god of color and light, and the Ben...not really sure about them yet. There are a lot of different beliefs in this universe! This was offscreen in book 1, so it sounds like this is enough reminder to at least trigger a memory. I'm sure there are factions that believe in it as a deity as well. I think most people just accept that it's there and weird. You'll find out some more by the end of the book! Yep! There are even a few dates that have B.A.W., if you look closely... This is something from the end of book 2. It's not S, but that is a fun idea! Mostly by being the highest authority left. I don't know if I made it "official." May have to add a line in somewhere. Cool. I was worried this section would be too derivative. I can see this. I may try to add something more exciting, or just remove it. This is like what E did after she absorbed the other one. yep... Aha. That might be what I feel is missing. I'll see if I can make the ending pop more. Thanks! Good job, coming into the end of the third book in a series! There's probably a whole lot that doesn't make sense... Thanks everyone!

I assumed it was a computer error, not you. I'm glad it was something fixable and not a corrupted file. I write in the template I use to publish (makes things easier) and it uses auto-hyphenate, so if I copy a chunk of text wrong to a new document, it keeps the hyphens where they were in the main file, which end up making no sense in a standard format word document.

Sorry about the hyphens! I'm sending out a new version without those...

Ah, shoot. Sorry! Please ignore. They're artifacts of me being stupid when I copied the text over. I'll send out a new version.

Noted!

I actually have been tossing around the idea of making an RPG from this for the past several years. It would need to be more popular though.