Mandamon

New members always go first! That said, do people object to me subbing 7k? Or do I need to divide it up?

Thanks @kais, @CherishLarain, and @Sarah B! Good catch. I was moving a lot of passages around while rewriting so I'll look back at the order to make sure everything makes sense. Ha! yeah, I sort of thought that too. That line will probably change. @kais - E was pushed through the wall, on the wrong side of the Elg. @Sarah B - Good catch and I'll work on that. Hard to write emoting with no words! Thanks again!

Thanks to @kais, @CherishLarain, and @Sarah B! Interesting. I'll review this when I edit. Maybe just be the last round of tightening up will help this flow better. I sort of touch on this in a later epigraph, but I'll try to add another sentence or so here. I need to make a file of all the epigraphs from all the Diss books...see if I've repeated or contradicted anything anywhere... Does that clear it up for you? WW is one of the genders that doesn't reproduce, but I can make it clearer if needed. I just love writing xyr so grumpy with their romance. If you came in after chapter 3, that's probably why. Yep--can clarify in the text. The crystal can supply the oxygen and nutrients needed to survive for a short time, but there's not actually air in the wall. The bubble is referring to the magic their using. I'll clear all this up. Will edit. The creatures are creating a vibration that affects the crystal by waving their fins around, making it impossible to pass through. Thanks all!

I'll also throw my hat in for the 27th. Just one chapter, but it's almost 7k, so basically taking up two chapter slots again. I can drop back to a half chapter if more are subbing next week.

You've got my LBLs so I'm mainly going to respond to what others have said. I agree with @shatteredsmooth that flipping the chapter might give it some more expediency, since we now have the conflict of her sister joining the resistance. However (having read ahead), I still think starting with the second chapter might work better. I do really like that this chapter gives us a lot of worldbuilding, because I like that sort of thing, but it also carries it's own problems. You might have noticed in my LBLs that I start questioning some of the aspects immediately, like how all the different species live together, how different sized creatures work, ect. Getting us involved with a character and an conflict is a easy way to make a reader gloss over some of those problems. Harry Potter is an excellent example of this. Rowling (to my mind) is really bad at worldbuilding, but her characters make up for it (all other problems aside). The other big issue I had with this (and it's carried through into later chapters) Is that there's no sense of danger in the city. Like @Turin Turambar says, there should be shortages. Especially with everything going on right now, it's easy to see that a restaurant is not going to be doing any sort of normal business. They won't be just ordering supplies like normal. Customers may or may not be coming in. Which brings me to the last point. What was the government before the takeover? From what I can tell, it was another monarchy, which has its own host of problems. The people living in this time may even have gone through another upheaval like this if there was a previous war. They probably won't care about extra restrictions and regulations on things unless it personally affects them. A relative or friend in prison or their head on a pike? That would get someone's attention. Extra regulations on fishing fleets? Probably don't care, unless it makes it hard to get fish for the restaurant, and that's still pretty weak conflict. I think this has a lot of potential, but just needs some tightening up.

I can definitely tell this is more of a romance than an action story, but I still want a little something more from the first chapter. We've got a few potential suitors, between A,T, and Mi (and I've read Power Surge, so I know what the outcome is...;-), but there's still nothing that quite engages me. Some of the introductions are kind of clunky, more telling than showing. If we had a strong indication what Me wants in life, that might help, or some accident or embarrassing incident that means she can absolutely never see one of them again (except she's going to be seeing them every day...). Since Me's telepathic, it would be really easy for her to hear something she shouldn't, putting some conflict between her and the people she likes. Romance isn't my main thing, of course, but I think there needs to be just another edge to draw us into the characters a little more. Interested to read the next chapter! Notes while reading: pg 1: "You make it" -> "You'll make it pg 1: "that shields that" -> shields that" pg 2: "Thoughts faded as the person returned to the building." --who is this referring to? pg 2: "The same once Mel was going into the class that she was most nervous about: Introduction to Computer Science." --This was hard to read, but I think it's supposed to be: "The same one Mel was going into. The class that she was most nervous about: Introduction to Computer Science.' pg 2: "She was exhausted from keeping a shield up for so much of the day" --except she has her shields down now, right? --ah yes. Confirmed a paragraph later. pg 3: "was pink-haired skater girl with she/her pronoun pins" --I was a little tripped up by this the first time the girl was introduced. If she's referred to as a girl, then isn't she using she/her pronouns? Maybe she uses she and them, but it seems weird to specifically call it out. --and then they both introduce with pronouns as well. One or the other can be removed. pg 5: "The word hadn’t been in his head." --which word? pg 6: starting with "To most of the people," this paragraph is a bit info-dumpy. The parts about the Sight are fine because it works with M explaining how she sees the world. Do we need to know about the rest yet? pg 6: "Everything brightened." --also, I'm not sure where we are. M's head throbs from...something. Before the break, she was in class. Now where is she that she's looking at pixies? pg 7: "Her DNA was a chaotic mix..." --could definitely take this out of the infodump above, then. You could also make this smoother, something like "She was a a chaotic mix of Elf, Angel, and Human, which was why..." I don't know that "DNA" is really necessary. Some more infodumping after that. We already know all these things about her, so it's unnecessary words. pg 7: "It reminded her that these abilities" --eh, also pretty clunky. I don't think she needs to remember her main goal at the time, since she's in college. pg 7: “Yeah. I guess I just got a little overwhelmed.” --Did she have to leave class or something? --also, is the italics right after this the Pixie? A bit confusing. pg 8: “Which one did you like best?” --sound like she's asking which parent he liked best. pg 10: "the boy" sounds weird here. Why not just call him by his name? pg 12: Interesting start, but I'm not hooked yet. Does M have a goal? Is something fantastical going to happen, or is this more of a college romance?

Two chapters this week again! Thanks everyone for helping out with this. Both chapters are actually in the word count this time! Amazing. SUB 22 Chapter 11, is also S. The second half of the adventure, finally dealing with the wall (instead of like five times last go round). Let me know what you think! Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom.

Two chapters this week again! Thanks everyone for helping out with this. Both chapters are actually in the word count this time! Amazing. SUB 21 Chapter 10, Back to S's POV. These are the last bits of his chapters I reworked, divided into two because of course they got bigger... Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom.

Will do. Thanks!

Good points. I'l see if I can add some of this urgency in earlier chapters. Lol. I can hear the gears overheating from here! the blessed are supposed to be the "bad" ones (they consider themselves blessed in what they can do) and the pillars are 'good' (they keep to the pillars of their beliefs and don't stray and change shape). Of course the current characters don't know where the names come from... I don't think anyone else has had too much problem with them, but I'll keep an eye on it. Very good idea. I can put this in. This may also be something I can do. There's a couple more scenes with her later, so I can see if that works. I want to avoid the interspecies tensions if I can. In the past when I've touched on it, I seem to run into a lot of problems. Thanks again @Robinski!

Thanks @Robinski! Yay! Honestly, I wasn't expecting responding to comments on two posts a week would take so much time either... Great LBLs and they will help me tidy this up. There was a lot of pushback on going back and forth the last time and suggestions to develop the relationship between S/E/I more, so that's where this chapter came about. E and I need to heal a bit, but it does come at the expense of urgency. I'll try to bring this thread out in the first few chapters. It was mentioned a couple times in the first set of chapters, and will come up a lot from now on. Heh. Pretty much everyone last time said there needed to be more description about the evening meal. Could be I went too much the other way. Well, I mean you're not going to pick an evil-sounding name for yourself, are you? I'll look back where I've mentioned them together and see if I can make the distinction bigger. To me, this is sort of, out of sight, out of mind, for these characters. The three have a lot to resolve between them, which is almost as much a plot point to me as the main Elg thread. Also, presumably the maji are fighting them in the other section. I don't know...I'll have to ponder this one. I can put some more urgency near the beginning of their time here...

Cool! I'll try to make sure his motivation works here...

Thanks @Robinski for the...ah...extensive critique! Hmmm...the three POV chapters for Re in this book are basically a 3-part letter. I think I can take some of the concepts in the later parts and move them forward to make this more interesting. If not, I may just scrap it and write something different. I'm hoping all this can swing around by using the new motivation I posted above, that the Ari are basically forcing him to puppet a viewpoint which supports them sowing confusing and destabilizing the LC. Which I'm hoping will also clear this part up. I just finished tearing apart the second Re chapter and I think it works a lot better now. With clearer motivation here, hopefully I can get across Re's arc better. Thanks again! (and for all the LBLs)

Thanks @Snakenaps and @Sarah B! I've had a lot of examples to draw from in the last several years... Lol, well, one out of about four! I was actually going for tzatziki or yogurt curry. Maybe trading out "lactose" for another word will work, I mean, if you've got the choice ;-) Cool. Glad this seems to be coming across. Yep! I really like the smoothness of reptile scales. Never owned one, but had the change to pet snakes and lizards several times. Lol Yeah, all this is sort of intentional. E/I are siblings and twins, but are also two ways one person could have gone in life. I leave it a little vague in the text. As to their relationship with S, I try to make it clear that they are interacting with him, but not each other. Let me know if it doesn't work.

Putting my name in for at least one chapter for 04/20, and two if @Silk approves, since we will have a full roster this week. Total will be about 9k words.

Glad everyone's ok, @Snakenaps. Yeah, worldbuilding the Sath was interesting. They've gone through a lot of permutations over the years. Good question!! ;-)

Thanks @Snakenaps (Somehow missed that you commented on Saturday?) and @Robinski! Awesome! It's definitely helping me edit the ending as well... It's sort of been hinted at here and there, but basically fatal. Glad this is coming across well. I want to make sure I set these up as a very hard challenge! Lol Yep, I was a little worried about this as I was editing. I'll try to work on distances and time to make them snappier. Hmm...Will work on this too. Well, it's a choke point compared to open city, but I take your point. I'll adjust. Sounds like the blocking still needs a little work here. Nice. Glad this is coming through. That is the correct interpretation! Hmmm...I'll try to make this more subtle. I'll take a look back at this. I think I need to add some facts about what they see and hear so Ri's crew has more to work with. Will adjust! Sounds like this is getting better, so I have hope!

Duly noted!

Thanks @kais, @CherishLarain, and @shatteredsmooth! Glad this is working better. Seems to be getting closer. As usual, seems like I need more emotion! Hmm. I can definitely add in that they warned the others before they tried the portal, but if I cut this last section, I still need to have the drive for them to find out the portals don't work. I could add it to the next chapter, but that one's already long. I'll ponder. This is all for you, @kais ;-) Will definitely add in more emotion/touching/reaction next time around. I was trying to keep my PG-13 rating, but I'm sure I can go a little further before the fade to black.

Thanks to @kais, @CherishLarain, @shatteredsmooth, @Sarah B, and @Snakenaps! Going to try to respond to all comments here. We'll see how that works. I had to go into work for half a day yesterday, so everything was hectic and didn't get a chance to reply... Well, this seems consistent!! I actually did trim out a couple names this time around,if you can believe it. Sounds like I need to shop out more and get to the heart of everything. I spent the last couple days tearing apart Re's next POV chapter and adding more action instead of talking, so I'll try to propagate that sort of thing back to this chapter. I think if I throw Re into things sooner, that might help. Which is supported by this. I'll get Re talking and acting sooner. I feel like the other big confusion is the misdirection plot. Sounds like some people got it, but it's still not clear. (Also, I LoLed at "Sure, Jan...) I wonder if it might help to cut the dialogue and have Re note which Ari is pretending to be which Snakey. Basically, the Ari are now free, so they're trying to lead the Snakeys off a cliff, and putting them face to face with the Elg is the easiest way to do that. AHA! Here's an idea: what if I have the Ari talking to Re force him to also take the position that the Elg are coming to help (on threat of being eaten), thus making it clearer why Re is still there, what the Ari are doing, and maybe show who exactly is who? Or if anyone else has any cool ideas, let me know. Thanks, all!

Oh no! Hope everything is ok.

Yep, something like that might work, if this section ends up staying in. Thanks!

Thanks @Robinski! LBLs are very helpful as always. S/E/I have mentioned the name, but that was 3 chapters ago or so. Glad the opening works for you, though I agree the timing seems a little off. Still haven't figured exactly how to do this. Yep, can probably cut all this down considerably. Ah, good catch. That picture is pretty much exactly what I intended! Yep, I think this whole chapter is jumpy. It's most likely going to be subsumed into the next one. Hmmm...this was an attempt to show that they're outside the Net and so aren't seeing the "smoothing" of communications between species. May be to complex to really show. I'm hoping I can keep the best bits of this in an "hey here we are" intro and then maybe have a night's rest and go immediately into the next chapter. I'll have to fiddle with it on the next edit.

Once again subbing two chapters this week to get feedback for book 3 as quickly as possible. Same situation as last week: the first chapter is shorter and the second is longer, but together they're less than 10k. SUB 20 Chapter 9, which is back to S/E/I. Hopefully this fleshes out their side a little more. I'm giving this one an (S) for sex, though there's nothing overt. Let me know what you think! Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone.

Once again subbing two chapters this week to get feedback for book 3 as quickly as possible. Same situation as last week: the first chapter is shorter and the second is longer, but together they're less than 10k. SUB 19 Chapter 8, which has the last new POV for this book. I've cleaned up the arc of the chapter, so let me know what you think! Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone.