Mandamon

Also would like a spot for Monday the 18th! The next two chapters are right now about 5300 and 4600 words, so right up there at the limit. I'll see who all is submitting this week as to if I can fit in two subs.

Well, a bit later than usual, so most of what I'm saying is just agreeing with everyone else ;-) Like the others, I feel like the relationships are just off here. Like @kais says, M is sort of stalking Mi. I didn't really get much of a connection between M and T at all, except that T was trying to seduce M but M didn't really care. The last line especially seems like she doesn't even want to bother with the girls. Fully agree. I don't think I've ever encountered anyone who would choose Kirk over Cap. I mean, just the physique... Also agree. I didn't mark this part because I was already upset M was skipping the threesome ;-) I didn't really notice any facial expressions in this, so whether that means there weren't any or they worked alright, I'm not sure. Overall, I think the chapter is a good start and progresses the relationship arcs, but I want a whole lot more tension between all three parties rather than M being unsure about even wanting a relationship. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Cool about her father being a literal angel. Makes me wonder about what her father can and can't do. I guess procreate, but can he not tells lies, or are there certain things he's prevented from doing? pg 2: "drunk texting her hours" --for hours, or a long time after the party? pg 3: "They both took a step forward." --M was about to leave, but took a step toward Mi? pg 3: "far enough away that he couldn’t easily reach out and touch her." --that's strangely specific. Why? pg 4: "to believe I wanted to start dating, but didn’t know where to start.” --was he specifically not dating before now? pg 4: “Sometimes I think it would be nice, but it could be a distraction." --Interesting way of putting it. Can you know/assume what something will be like if you haven't had any experience with it? pg 4: "The type of algorithms he’s developing reminded me of something I don’t want to remember." --Sounds very Stross/Laundry files. pg 5, top: Sounds like they're getting into a battle of questions. pg 5: "I don’t think I’ll regret it unless you do something to make me regret it.” --That...sounds very blame-y, like he can't be at fault. pg 5: "He nodded. “It was nice talking to you.” --uh...I expect a little more response than this, like why? or what happened? or something. This just kills the tension dead. pg 6: "she knew there was something wrong with Tasha’s radius" --might just say "forearm." It took me a minute to process she was using the actual name, especially when she and Mi had been talking about math. I was ready for half a diameter radius. pg 7: "the more she noticed there were two gouges." --I don't think you can halfway notice something? pg 7: “I think I was eight when I got my first board.” --And she hasn't broken bones before? pg 7: "Her elbow brushed T" --I think there's supposed to be romantic tension as with Mi, but I'm not really getting any. pg 8: "If she could just sense it better, she’d know if it actually needed stitches." --I mean, looking at it will probably work too. pg 8: "When she was done" --done what? Did she heal her, or fix up her wound? pg 8: "M dropped her shields" --Why now, when she's struggled to keep them up the whole time? pg 9: A little more tension here, but I feel like it's not built up enough to pay off. pg 10: "I wanted to heal her." --and again, this drops any tension away from that relationship. Also, the switch to a conversation with her mom is sort of random. pg 10: "we’re not here" --is there someone with A? pg 11: "Another girl popped her head out from under the blankets" --ah. pg 11: “Do you want to join us?” --the answer you're looking for is YES. ;-) pg 13: "smiling as he made eye contact and pushed his glasses further up onto his nose." -hmm...this seems to plainly stated to bring any tension to the moment. This whole conversation about cosplay doesn't seem to add much to the plot. It's been stated they talked about it before, so going through the conversation seems tedious. pg 14: “I’ll see you this afternoon.” --everyone just calmly ends conversations with no tension. pg 14: "Cap is creepy. Kirk is cool,” A said." --I...don't think I've ever heard anyone express that opinion. Maybe the opposite... pg 15: “Well, if you want to go, but not with him, I’ll go with you,” --I think I know why the dynamic seems off here. M and Mi are cool together, naturally progressing toward romance (except for the creepy spying), but T seems like she's blatantly out to seduce M. pg 15: Yeah, that last paragraph pretty much nixes T as a potential.

Lol--that's funny because HD is the character I write most openly. They have really no agenda at all, no apprentice, no attachment to anyone except their art, and they just try to do the right thing. Maybe that's why they seem suspicious!

Thanks to @Robinski and @shatteredsmooth! I upped this number based on some more detailed calculations. I think it used to be around 60k in an earlier draft of Seeds. Hmm...where are you seeing this? Poor O. Oops, yes. will change. Yes, I think I need to expand this a bit. In my head, I was imagining since M is the only one left from the Council, he'd be the new head, but then R was recently on the Council, demoted for sketchy reasons, so is a logical choice to help him out and/or be another voice in charge. Looking back at Facets, I think this still reasonable based on the time passed... Fair enough. I may need to clarify this. I think there's some more discussion of this in a later chapter, but he's contemplating some changes in structure... Noted! Yep, a lot of this comes from Society, and what their relationship was like after that. I hoping it works just because it seems like there is a lot of history, even if people don't know it. Cool! Ah, interesting! Yes, I can try this out to see if it works. Sorry! Forgot to change the font before submitting. Entirely possible. I'll look into it. Hmmm...these are the other two blessed who E works with in Facets. They also show up in Re's chapters. I'll see if I can seed the names in other chapters to make sure they're in the reader's mind. They're relatively big side characters in Facets. They were in one chapter and referred to not by name in other chapters, so I can see this. I'll add some more references. Good catch. Will emote more!! Ah. I can add more reaction. I think this was from me anticipating the reader would be tired of all this and ready to move on, but maybe that's not the case... Cool. I was a little concerned these two chapters were too redundant. Just gotta see if I can stick the landing!

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! That's the best response! Yep, sounds like I need to clear this section up. Good thought about communication. I'll see what I can think up.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Glad this one is working! I think this was a new addition. I was trying to play up the conflict with the voices a lot more this time around. I can update the description here to make it clearer.

Those are awesome! Also, followed back on Instagram. I'm on that the least of the big three, but I jump on every once in a while.

Ooo! Looking forward to these. I love book art (if you hadn't gathered that already...) Same. But what I've learned is that when writing a passage like that makes my heart pound like I'm in a real confrontation, then I'm doing it right. Nothing wrong with revising before then! Unless you have a specific reason not to. I can usually tell what is going to be an overall problem in a book (mine or otherwise) from about the first 5-6 chapters.

Thanks for bringing this up, @Mandamon. I've always shied away from it because it sounded complicated to me, but my plots tend to become (over)complicated all by themselves (oh, sure, you've got nothing to do with it, Robinski). I think I will try this out in the second novella that I'm going to be writing in June (I suspect). It's suuuuuper useful. I used to plot both Seeds and Fruits, though I'm familiar with it enough now to use it more as a check than a driving device. However you can use it to write entire stories. If you look up the Hollywood formula, that structure is very similar and dovetails nicely into the same mold. It even gives you a solid structure that gets all the emotional beats correct. I may have used that to concept out some completely unrelated romance ideas...

Similar thoughts to @Robinski on this one. The entire interview can pretty much be reduced to "Here are some places she tried to find work and they were full/not hiring/hired but strangely closed the next day/etc." I also didn't get that the place was closed down deliberately. The bobcat therio said she might have to shut down, so I assumed that was what happened. To get the same idea across, you could say this happened a couple times. Once is strange. Several times is deliberate. As to her being a spy, absolutely didn't get that either, and in the long run (having read up through chapter 7) does it really matter? The matter of spying on her could easily come up in chapter 5, if needed. Past that point, I'm not sure why it's necessary. I also don't think you need another POV. In fact, I think the section beginning with "A messenger arrived, and you’re supposed to report to the palace tomorrow.” could easily be appended to chapter 3, after a couple sentences about how she couldn't find jobs and no one was talking about the fire, and go straight into chapter 5. In terms of overall structure, this is an excellent lecture Dan Wells gives on the 7-point story: http://csidemedia.com/gryphonclerks/2012/12/16/dan-wells-seven-point-story-structure/ He gave us a version on the 2015 WXR cruise and it helped me immensely. But the reason I bring it up is that if you map this on your book, your hook is the fire (chapter 2), and the plot turn 1 is what happens at the end of chapter 4 and into chapter 5. The more these points build on each other the better, and it helps to keep the tension up during the story. You can even do mini-7-point structures for all the arcs in your book!

This is well written, but I think falls short in a few ways. I have similar thoughts to @Robinski. First, the magic doesn't seem very useful, or L isn't very good at using it as she basically throws everything away at the first hint of trouble (for the life force of moss, which can't be all that much...), when she doesn't even seem sure whether she wants the baby. Then she throws her sword away as well. Second, there are several sections in here that are so passive in voice I can't tell what's going on and who's doing what to who. Third, I'm not sure why the soldiers would adopt the baby, or if she thought they might be sympathetic, maybe show them the baby first instead of entering a death-pact with some moss. I think if you put some higher risk to the mother and child before all the magic happens, that might make things more believable. Hope this helps! Notes while reading: pg 1: Well, the first paragraph is gripping. Visceral and kind of over the top, but gripping. pg 1: "occasional" repeated in paragraph 2 pg 1: "She needed rest" --You've said she's outside whatever battle's going on, but is it over? Are there people wandering about? Does she have access to field medics or anything? pg 2: "she’d used the last of it popping out a kid amidst charging horses." --I assume she left the charge before it, you know, charged? pg 2: "but she knew Lip. when she heard it." --Wait, so she's not Lip. herself? I thought she was in a charge while giving birth? Or was she just around while others were charging? If so, that definitely makes the first paragraph less dramatic! pg 2: "went through her options, all two of them. Stand and fight, for herself and the child, or die" --She heard words, but does she see anything? I would assume whoever's coming is close. pg 3: “Give me your life, and I will give you all of me come sunset,” --interesting magic. Also seems a bit overmuch. If she's going to sacrifice herself, why not just do it? Or does she think she can get the baby to safety and come back here before dark? I mean, if she's going to do that, maybe take a tree's life instead, or something bigger than moss. pg 3: "Four men emerged from the silver murk" --surprised they haven't appeared before now. pg 4: "but now that she’d used the last of the Bargains, magic was forever lost to her" --this also seems...problematic. I don't know anything about the magic system, but certainly there was something else she could have done instead of throwing her life and magic away at the first sign of trouble. pg 4: "There was a surprised look on his face as the head it was plastered onto sailed free of its neck" --how did he die? Who killed him? pg 4: "She lowered the sword and panted hard, lungs aching" --is this saying L killed him? The paragraph was so passive I couldn't tell who was acting. pg 5: "she tossed her sword at the lower Lip" --she really likes getting rid of things that could help her. pg 6: "A rock buried itself in her upper shoulders." --was it thrown? Did she fall on it? Did the rock develop he ability to move? There are some very passive passages through here. pg 6: "The tip was inched nearer, nearer" --more passive. pg 6: "Her baby! She’d forgotten all about her!" --Nope. Don't believe that. The baby is the whole reason she's throwing her life away, I thought. no way she'd lose sight of that. pg 8: "Her life was now in the hands of the man who had taken L’s own" --But that couldn't have been her intention...I still don't understand what drove her to cash in on everything at the first sign of trouble. pg 8: "L wondered what to name her." --sort of a moot point, isn't it?

Thanks @Snakenaps! Oh, I'm sure xy took plenty of notes! So glad I can hit all your triggers with this book... :-( That's actually sort of what I was imagining... Lol. I love your reactions... Ha! Ok, glad this is coming across. Poor S...he's just too good not to torment. Cool! I will try not to wrench my arm...

Asked around and people seemed okay with me subbing two chapters again, even though the total is about 7500. If you don't want to read all of it, or not at one time, that's fine with me. Thanks to all for reading! SUB 24 Chapter 15, Finally, everyone meets everyone else. SUB 25 Chapter 16, where everyone decides how to fix things... Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results. M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made. E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff.

Oh my goodness! That's awesome!

Ha! Sorry/not sorry. That's a good example, though! Just need to paste a little fin on its back...

Thanks @Snakenaps! Good catch. I'll reword. You keep giving me cool ideas.But no, not at the moment... These are all very good questions! Ha! Lol...they just want to get along... Well, that's it. The game is up. You've guessed the ending! ;-) That's another really cool idea, but not planned at the moment. But yes, E was running around while R and M's groups were exploring the Imp. Your wish is my command. "That was the biggest desert scrabbler Nuri had ever seen. Expensive equipment or no, he hoisted the entire spray canister off his back and threw it at the beastie careening after him." I hate it when things I write intersect with current affairs... *waggles eyebrows* Cool! Glad this worked. It was fun to write. Your comments are a joy to read through as always!

Oh no! I'll be sure to steer clear... ;-)

Thanks @Robinski! Cool! Love that sort of montage. Cool. Yeah, I think some confusion on this line. I can reword. Yep! Ah, can clean this up too. Potentially. I wasn't sure this got across. E has less mass from her fight with the Elg, taking bits away. So overall, she's smaller. Was that clear? Cool. I felt this one as I wrote it. Will scrub the other mentions and keep this as the big payoff. Yep. Need to bump up this whole section. Glad the chapter is working better! Ah, interesting. I'm careful never to show E and I being romantic toward each other, but I can see how this is construed that way. I wonder if the buildup of two books before this makes a difference? Must admit I have never given this a second thought. I think you've alway been scrupulous about this. In Book 1, it was never a love triangle, but a love 'V' (as it were), in my recollection. As would be expected, as En and In were brother and sister. Most love triangles, in fact, are not triangles at all, so it's a total misnomer--just saying. Anyway, as we learn through Books 1 and 2 that En and In are actually part of the same being, so to speak, there is still an element of weirdness (by our conventions), that they would to an extent simply be pleasuring them-self (selves?). I think the dynamic encourages the reader to contemplate the nature of En and In's dynamic and their physical nature itself, rather than implying anything icky. I feel that any ickiness is only at the very top, superficial level, if one even thinks about that at all. I mean, it could be played on an existential level through the whole of the book and into the future as En and In drift apart, diverge, and become more and more separate entities, but I don't think there is room for that here, or a particular need. Seems to me the important thing it s underline that they are not and never have been brother and sister in any sense that we would consider. These are some great comments. I already made a few changes in Facets to steer thinking more in this direction, and I'm going to continue it as I go along. I'm trying to prop up the feeling of "same person" between them, so also I can show how they're diverging in book 3. There's actually a cutoff point in Facets where the Ari correct E to refer to her "other instance," so I'm going to try to keep away from "brother/sister" after that point. Also, I really like the concept of "love V." Thanks a bunch!

Hm, well, I guess I'll throw my name in too. We'll see how many people ask for spots. For reference, the next two chapters are 4200 and 3300 words.

Haha! No problem! You're doing an awesome job for coming in a third of the way through the last book of a trilogy!

I looked back when you started commenting, and I think some of this development was from before then, hence the confusion. But as to your last question...um, yes? This comes from some buildup in book 1 and 2. The diadem has been around for a while and has been worn. There's also some discussion at the beginning of this book; Hopefuly that's the reason for it, but I'll see if I can make it clearer. Thanks, @CherishLarain!

Thanks @CherishLarain! Good point. I'll put something in to address this. I mention that Ari don't need to eat as much in book 2, but it's probably due a reiteration. the voices are...problematic. There a bit more about them in book 2 as well. Also, those two voices are technically different, so the one that's mean is another personality. Again, a book 2 thing! I can make this clearer. Partly they just don't operate according to our physics. Thanks!

Thanks @Robinski! Ha! I'll have to rein myself in. As @kais suggests, I'll probably cut the wandering down quite a bit to bring out the fight and escape at the end. Yes and no...You'll find out some more near the end. *blinks* also I just realized something because of this comment *scribbles furiously* Yep. This will get clarified and brought out more. This is what it's like, from here out, pretty much. Yeah, this is the coincidental, but I'm not sure how to move it around. It has been days, not minutes. There's better explanation in the next chapter, but I think I know what I can add to make this work better. There is movement...hopefully it works, especially going into the chapters after this. Thanks for the LBLs!

Cool. I try to stay away from the squicky factor as much as possible, but they're all certainly consenting. That's definitely the same sort of thing I'm doing here, except in this case A and C are related, which just cements the lack of intimacy between them. I try to always write where E and I are on different sides of S, even if they are all sleeping in the same bed. There's some more discussion of this later in the book. I'm hoping this won't turn readers off, but if it does, they probably weren't the target audience anyway?

Thanks @kais and @Sarah B! Ok. Probably some of this is from reordering the chapters. I'll see how much I can cut down. Ah, good point. I'll see if can correct these. Lol. Not intentional, but, uh, probably correct. I think this was clearer the first time through. S is traveling through the wall this long because space/time is wonky there. E loses track of time in the other body, so also spends that much time wandering around. Yes? There was a point in book 2 where E realized that, as an Ari, she didn't need as many nutrients. Hmmm...Looks like I need to clear this up. I'll see what others say as well. Basically, the right sort of magic user can pass through the wall easily, but opening a portal between facets is very difficult and uses lots of notes. What in particular was confusing about the maji dying? It's just E and I opening the portal. S is staying there for the moment. I'll see if others are confused over this.There is also more explanation of it in the next few chapters. Yep. Will adjust. Ah, interesting. I'm careful never to show E and I being romantic toward each other, but I can see how this is construed that way. I wonder if the buildup of two books before this makes a difference? Great comments!