Mandamon

The two in this chapter still have a lot more chemistry than the other characters, but I'm seeing a lot of problems with them too. I think the chapter got to the point eventually, but there was a lot of words about dead uncles, grandfathers,and aimless driving that could probably be edited down. Also, I have a pretty big problem with M reading Mi's mind with no permission, then drawing away and setting very strict boundaries for herself, then imposing on him, drinking until she obviously has no control, then forcing the one that didn't set the boundaries to enforce them against her. Honestly, I'd be wondering what was up with this person by now and trying to keep my distance. Seems like every time they're together, M makes sure Mi knows he can't come near without permission, then leaps into his arms. I think this is even worse because Mi has no idea what he's getting into with her, while M is basically spying on every aspect of Mi's life and knows all about what he does. Every time they're together, one of them doesn't want to talk about things, but M is the only one who gets to keep her privacy. Sorry--that turned into a bigger rant than I thought. I'm starting to get uncomfortable with how their relationship is progressing. It seems very untrue so far. Notes while reading: pg 1: 'She didn’t think she’d lost any memories" --how could you tell? pg 1: "the sound engine" --?? pg 2: I don't think we need the detailed analysis of how her uncle made his money--just say he left her a college fund. pg 2: "shamelessly using prophecy to make sure he always earned more than he lost." --shameless is making millions or billions of dollars. Making more than you lose is sound investing (and doesn't really need prophecy...) pg 2: "by the time she’d pieced together" --I guess this is a character moment, but I'm not sure what knowing about her uncle adds to anything. pg 2: "she felt something shift and snag in her head. Cold shards stabbed new places, making it harder to focus on sensing what wasn’t in her head" --not quite sure what's happening. She can't sense as far as usual? pg 3: "stepped onto the roof of the Green Building" --oh, wait..is she not visiting T then? I thought that was what all this was leading up to. pg 3: "every memory of him was tainted now" --with what? Was this by the demon? I didn't catch that. pg 3: "I’ve been up here since.” --wasn't that, like, yesterday? pg 4: “When we were at the restaurant?” --I'd think that was obvious. That's when she ran off. pg 4: “Could someone have done something to it?” --I thought the demon messed with things. It had her mom's phone, right? pg 5: “I don’t want to talk about it.” --it seems like whenever there's something that could further the relationship between them, one of them doesn't want to talk about it. A few times is okay, but it's getting frustrating, like everything could be solved if they just came clean. There's never a good reason given. pg 5: "Blurboard" --what is this? pg 5: “Can I sleep over? Same rules as Monday?" “But sleeping next to each other is intentional...” --The physical distancing is a part of M's character and I understand it, but as I'm reading, this kills the mood in every single scene M and Mi are in together. It's like she's saying "I want to be near you, except I don't actually want to be near you." I don't know if I just don't get the ace aspect of this or I'm not the intended audience, or what. Anyway, not sure if this helps anything, but I thought I'd mention it. pg 6: "he’d been exaggerating about the condo’s in-progress state" --but she read his mind... pg 6: "It had been at least six weeks since she’d seen her mom" --I read this as if it were present, and was very confused since she'd seen her mom the day before. Also, talking about her uncle again. Is he going to make an appearance or something, even though he's dead? There's a lot of focus on him this chapter. pg 7: and then a lot of talk about Mi's grandfather, when he wasn't actually an influence on Mi's interest in the paranormal? Or I guess he is sort of? This could be a stronger connection, story-wise. pg 8: “I’ve only found one.” --one what? pg 9: "It took her three tries to get text coherent." --maybe shouldn't be drinking as much then? pg 9: "She’d only ever felt this drunk once before" --this seems like a really poor idea in a house where you don't actually want to sleep with a guy you might be attracted to? pg 9: "grabbed a fourth cider" --really?? pg 11: “We set boundaries before you came here, when you were sober.” --uh yeah. Specifically M set the boundaries. I get the feeling Mi is up for whatever, so M coming over, saying "don't touch me," then chugging all his alcohol until she can't make good decisions seems...poor form. pg 11: "There was nowhere private to change, which didn’t actually bother her, but was way past their boundaries." --what now? This doesn't bother her? but she thinks it's past her boundaries?

Definitely with the others on this one. I thought the writing was really good, the voices engaging, and the characters well thought out. But...there was no story, except in the very minor sense that a girl takes a leaf from a troll and then...gives it back. I sort of got a sense that the troll was peaceful at first, but then wasn't really at the end? I think this could be an engaging short story with some thought behind what the meaning is, and fleshing out the arc a little more. I don't even think it needs much--the prose can hold a lot on its own--but just something to make the reader say "oh, ok, I get it," at the end, rather than. "and...?" Notes while reading: pg 3: "“He…he…” it began, face twisting." --Not sure what it's doing here. Laughing? Crying? pg 3: "then reached into a pouch. It drew a single leaf." --drew out? pg 4: "Your girl’s coat is dirty, you know. And torn. You ought to get her a new one.” --Is this the woman talking or the mother? In any case, it's almost the same words as the top of the page. pg 5: "Can I go back up the hill?” --okay, glad she's not stealing the story leaf... pg 5: "We all act sometimes" --act different? This sentence seems unfinished. pg 6: Okay, I guess the woman was the troll?

Yep, and it's not even in South Carolina, where my relatives live. That's worse! Very similar. I'm in North Carolina.

This was at the end of Seeds, so hopefully it's WRS...Not sure how much I can adjust it.

30% humidity is low for me. Come visit the south! It's 9 pm now, still 84°F/28°C and 58% humidity. It was much hotter/humid-er early in the day. We routinely get 90+°F and 80-90% humidity...

Welcome to Reading Excuses and congrats on the first sub! I have similar thoughts to @kais. I wasn't really sure what the arc was, and the prologue didn't add any information to me, because I didn't know who the character was or why we would care about her. I'd definitely cut the replay of the scene from the sister's POV. Unless it adds anything to the story, it's going to drag the pace down. I am interested to see where the sisters go and what will happen. I like the spots of detail about the different planets and the dress styles on Venus. Notes while reading: pg 1: First paragraph is more engaging than I thought it would be from describing a room...Still, it could be catchier. pg 1: is there a reason the character isn't named? Unless it's a big reveal later, naming a character lets the reader connect with them a lot more. pg 1: "for whenever she closed her eyes, she would see her looking up at from the floor" --this is where having a name is helpful. I'm not sure who's talking about who pg 1: "except her left arm bent sharply at the mid-forearm, and there was a pool of blood at her neck and around her stomach." --and I thought this was the character in the scene, except on second reading, I think it's the other person she sees? Very confusing with no identifiers. pg 2: "The knife laid" -> "The knife lay" pg 2: "so she could see her insides as she stabbed" --okay wait, this is the character in the scene? Confused. How is she not dead? pg 2: "her food was always slid" --lots of very passive voice. pg 2: "She turned them down, and the only thing that saved her from a court-martial" --they tried to court-martial her for turning down a promotion? Prologue: Well, I have no idea what's going, but there seems to be a character who's had a mental breakdown? I'm not sure if what part this has to play in the story yet. pg 3: "she’d ever tell anyone that, ever" --repeated "ever" pg 3: "Who would have to try harder..." --this sentence is confusing. pg 4: "but the paper was more secure" --than military communications? Can't anyone read the paper? pg 4: Not sure what's happening yet. C got orders at lunch, walked around, and has to tell her sister something? pg 4: I guess her orders were to go undercover or something? A little more definition of what's happening would be nice. pg 5: "C stood up to face her sister" --this is after she's undercover and changed her name? Wouldn't she avoid places where she'd see family members who would instantly expose her? pg 5: "recover from her spell" --what spell? She shook her head. I didn't see anything that incapacitated her. pg 6: "The sisters untangled..." --So why did they meet? I'm not sure any valuable information was exchanged that moves the plot in any way. pg 6: "pleased with her own joke" --It's a rhyme, not a joke. pg 6: "the chemistry teacher calling her name" --at the spaceport? pg 6: wait, there's a Colonel, but she's talking about chemistry class. Is she in school or in the military? pg 6: “I can’t believe she’s leaving again!" --except she already said goodbye. Why is she acting as if this is a surprise? pg 7: "her palm, excluding fingers." --your palm excludes fingers already. pg 7: "N wanted to catch C" --soooo...is this before the scene on page 6? Why is it here? pg 7: "hoping to catch her sister at the spaceport" --I guess so. Not sure why this is out of sequence. pg 8: "was headed for Venus" --So a teenager has completely penetrated C's classified disguise... pg 8: this is a recounting of the scene we already saw. pg 9: "it was playing a character." --except she doesn't seem very good at keeping in character.

Thanks so much @kais! Hm. I got one other question on this from another reader. S opened the portal to the Net. the first time around, just as any other new species would, but then doesn't remember enough to return. I thought I put enough call backs during the books to make it a "closed" issue, as in there's no real way he can get back, but it's something I could address in later books. Is there a particular part that made you want to know more about Earth? Glad the O/R wrapup worked. Based on other comments, I think I'm going to add a little more with Re. And the three will definitely be stars of later books! Yes, I see what you mean. I'll reword or remove that. I'm going to do something to address this. Not quite sure what, but I need a pause for them to reassess how the first push didn't work. I think may deal with how the first plan wasn't clear enough. Yeah, I think I'm going to have to rework the whole tree/shaking/bug metaphor. Nope--still just two. The voice obscured it in the first book to make it look like he was Comm. Hoping to clear all this up in the previous chapter, along with the tree metaphor. So does the wrapup on pg 48 clear up the confusion from why the Elg were eating and the rocket ship? I'm okay with readers guessing until they get to the very end, but I cna add some more clarity so it's not as confusing. For the actual diss. I'll clarify. I had a very similar issue Hm. Will adjust. I can probably cut this down a bit. YES this. I'm left with confusion, mostly. There are too many moving parts and they didn't sew together seamlessly and I really was looking forward to that. This feedback helps me target that very well. I think I can clear all this up, and I'll probably run a couple short sections by you as well to make sure they make sense. Thanks!

Lots of typos and missing words in this one. I had some trouble reading because a lot of sentences were missing key words. Also, generally the fight scenes were blow-by-blow and not terribly interesting. I was looking for the emotional impact, and didn't really get that part. I'm not sure of the arc here. I was into M and Mi talking about what happened, and M helping his anxiety, then she runs off into a trap with her mother for...I'm not sure what reason. I mean it does connect back with Mi, but then why would the demon lure her there? Especially since it doesn't seem to want to kill her? I have similar reactions as @kais and @killersquid. M seems very overpowered, and we get about 3-4 new powers here, from the Between, to mind traps, to angel sex, to spaceship shields... But then she thinks she lost the fight? I didn't really get mental injury on her side of the fight. Seems she pretty much destroyed the demon. Notes while reading: pg 1: The first line sounds like a weather report. Could probably condense it to target the danger. pg 1: "considered going home for the weekend" --She was going to go home with the weather as is? pg 1: "It had something to do with the almost getting run over." --and not because they slept together?? pg 1: "Around five thirty..." --lots of very choppy sentences in this paragraph pg 1: "texted her saying he was waiting outside" --I was confused for a moment why she was seeing him when she'd been avoiding him, then realized this was a continuation from the first paragraph when he asked her to dinner. I think this needs more connection. pg 2: “What does that mean?” --I would think that's fairly obvious...M gets to it in a bit, but she already read his thoughts. Should she know this? pg 2: “Please don’t ask.” “I don’t want to talk about that,” --well, they're going to be not talking a lot... pg 4: "The idea that someone from his past tried to kill him was tearing him apart." --oh. I didn't get this from the conversation. I thought Mi was going somewhere else with talking about his past. pg 4: "not the ghost hunters that just ghosted you?” --Yeah, that's what I was assuming. I don't know why Mi would connect this with stuff from years in the past when he's engaged in some sketchy stuff right now. Also, "ghosting ghost hunters" is a little on the nose... pg 4: "They haven’t come after me again" --Which means Mi now does think it's the ghost hunters? Need some clarity with his motivations. pg 5: "didn’t want her interactions with him to get too physical." "wrapped his arms around M’s waist and pulled her toward him...leaned back against him and closed her eyes" --This is directly contradictory. pg 5: "squeezing him tight, pressing her face against his chest" --still lots of physical interactions... pg 6: "As long as she didn’t interact with anyone, when she stepped out, only minutes would have passed on Earth." --what happens if she interacts with someone? Also, this is a new power... pg 6: "That marked where her mom was." --Obvious. Can remove this. pg 6: "Bear cans" --I'm imagining growling cans now... pg 6: bit of an infodump about fire, near the bottom of the page pg 8: "the Troll came into sight. If it saw her, it didn’t react" --do we get a description of the troll or anything? pg 8: "the spaceship kind" --?? pg 8: The fight scene here is very choppy. Lots of short sentences with blow-by-blow, but not anything really interesting. pg 9: "She made her mind to a temple of doom." --Not sure what's going on here. pg 10: "pushed her mind forward" --like...out of her body? pg 11: "outright killing could have...consequences" --I thought the demons had no problem killing M? Also, I'm still not quite sure how M is accessing the demon's memories. pg 11: "with the limited fire she had left" --what does this have to do with crawling? pg 12: "“Oh, that. I didn’t realize he left anything behind if there wasn’t...” Mom trailed off, picturing Mel’s father shifting out of the usual man form he took and into a woman." --I am not at all sure what's going on here. Is this saying her dad had sex with her mom, then left angel bits behind, then turned into a woman? pg 12: “I like loopholes that involve me getting laid and you not dying.” --ok, so I guess that's right. I'm still not sure how it makes M heal her. pg 13: "seven deep breaths " --oddly specific.

Yep, musical scores. Although music is math, so *shrug* I think you just think too much ;-) I didn't completely have the answer in mind when I wrote this. I imagined the pilot was the voice, but either others might have gone too and perished, or the voice was piloting solo for a special mission, or who knows...fodder for later writing. Hmm...I'll see if I can add a line or two in without derailing things or opening the worm facet Yeah, maybe "interfacing" is better than "controlling." The diads could definitely be some sort of memory aid for starcharts or something... Probably right. I'll change this. And rework this. Possible...I'll see what I feel like when I get through all the edits. I may just leave this one without an epilogue, as a sort of ending. There is a scene about this a few chapters back. I'll see if it goes better there or at the end. I'll work on making this consistent. Lol. There was a flashback with the parents in Seeds, but no, they're gone. Thanks!

Thanks again @Robinski! Meta feta. Lol Didn't really intend this to be a mystery. Was it clear after you finished that this was a transmission from the ship entering the breach? Glad this one (mostly) works. I mean yes, but would sort of break the same/different duality built between E and I for the last two books... Looks like I'll be replacing all my ending sentences! I'll have to take a look at this. I was assuming people would be out of the city while rebuilding, and since M has set up a new base in P. Fair enough. Can change. Hmmm...intentionally didn't go into this any more for fear of cans of worms... Might just need to take it out. So, this is generally consistent emotion with the other reactions I've gotten, which is excellent. Does the "control devices" line get cleared up once you realized about the rocket? Is it enough? I was thinking if it's so old, there's basically no way to know the details. N growing: I'm trying to remember what all I put where, but I this was definitely where everything was supposed to come together. I'll keep an eye on this when editing to make sure it is revealed accordingly. Does this explain the engine as well? Is that question answered satisfactorily? (Now I sort of feel like Count Rugen. "I've just sucked a year of your life away--What did this do to you? how to you feel?") Yeah, I don't think I made this clear enough. Maybe "push it farther in," or something. I'll ponder. Not necessarily "just." The voice has disdain for modern maji. But yes, this is intended to say that the voice has become the Symphony of the other universe over time, and reworked it. I think I need to flesh this out a bit. As to this universe having one too...I guess? It's probably a whole lot more cosmic, as this universe is a lot bigger and not dying... But it wouldn't have a personality like the other one. As in the vibration is damped so it's not as destructive. Might need to expand this section. Hmm..not intended that way. I was intended to allude back to "shaking the tree" in the last chapter, but I'll adjust the wording here. Probably just need to clean this up. I meant that multiple caverns (facets) HAD grown in the past with the Net. Might just take these mentions out to avoid confusion. Overall: On the epilogue, I can change it to the last chapter easily enough. But 5+ years later is where I intend to go in future books, so then...do I need an epilogue at all? I'd rather have this trilogy fairly tied off, and just end with this chapter. Need to flesh all this out. The Elg are taking energy from or universe to the other, to extend its life, and help the voice cross back over. I think I said most of that, but will go over it again. I'll be sure to emphasize that the voice isn't "just" a maj. I was intending to save delving deep into this for later books. I think going into it too much here would dilute the story. No one knows anything about the HoM, and few about the HoT, so it's going to take time for all the maj. to learn about them. This was the reason for "subsume." M is planning to rebuild the Maj, starting with the model of the SoTH. A different organization, but including single-house as well. This will definitely help me root out the confusion and get rid of it! I might pass a few small sections by you with rewrites, if that's alright, to see if I've cleared it up. Thanks so much!

Also fine with me, as is two chapters from @kais Also, I'd just like to say I'm NOT submitting this week, for the first time since December 2019!

Thanks again, @Robinski! I was trying to avoid that when writing this...I'll clean it up, though. I actually took some words out here, so I may need to put them back in. The voice claimed this several times, but I'm not sure if I directly state it. It's sort of assumed. I wonder if this comes across in the epilogue? At any rate, my thought was the voice has been in the other universe so long, it's sort of taken over the Symphony there. Yep, ties back to not explaining what S was doing at the end of last chapter. My intent was for them to take care of the others by letting all the maji know and help. I'll clarify. I think I gave a number at the beginning of the fight, but I could give a refresher. Might be a bit handwavy, but I'm giving this one a pass because they're not really making a change so much as connecting two parts of the Symphony, which then rushes in to fill the gap. No, they're all "frozen." Will clarify. Feta? Good. Glad this part is (mostly) working. I'm wondering what you will think of the epilogue... Yeah, I adjusted this metaphor once already. I'm still not completely satisfied. Hmmm..I sort of went from showing everyone how to do it to the aftermath. I thought showing all the effort would bring down the tension. Check. Will add. I cleaned up the description already, but looks like I need another pass at it. There's a hole in the base of the Spire that goes all the way down into the crystal, so half the hole is in the stone and the other half in crystal. Hmmm...I'll look back at the description and try to clarify. I think some other readers got it, but it may not be clear enough. Wasn't meant to be withheld, mainly S putting all the pieces together here. I think this goes to that same problem at the end of the previous chapter. I've described things like this in a couple other places, where the majus working with others can "feel" how the connection is placed. I'll see if I can tidy this up. Yeah, probably need to come up with another word. That's sort of what happens. Maybe it's not an epilogue after all, but just the last chapter... That's just from copying over for submission. The actual text is on a new page. Yep. Maybe this doesn't have an epilogue, but just a last chapter. Let me know what you think when you get to it. Not quite, probably because I didn't set it up enough. The engine is the other end of the cockpit. The Net grew out of the original spaceship. This all is interesting. I'm thinking of feelings at the end of books I've read and wondering where the "cheer" moment comes vs. the "ending" moment. To me, the cheer here is where they realize the Elg are stopped, and the ending of the book is tying up all the other things. In terms of the Diss coming slower, I was imagining saying "the Earth is going to be hit by a meteor in days!" vs. "No, we stopped it. Yes, Earth will eventually be unable to bear life, but that's a long way off still." Dunno. Maybe I just need to state a firmer date ? I'm thinking you will find some of the ending you want in the Epilogue, which is probably really the last chapter. Looking forward to what you think!

Similar concerns to @Turin Turambar on the love triangle. I also agree T& A (giggle) seem to be doing all the heavy lifting. However, I think taking their relationship out would leave the book without much tension. I think I might have pinpointed what I'm having a problem with. M is operating very much at a 13/14-yo level for most of the time, wondering how bodies and sex works. (Except for the sparring/wrestling scene). However, everyone else seems to be operating at a late teen stage, wondering how and with who to have sex. I know M has an arc with ace/orientation in this book, but right now it reads more as if she's developing biologically, rather than in terms of sexual preference....Hopefully that's all clear. No offence meant, as I'm not at all ace and so have a harder time putting myself in that character, but the progression seems off to me while reading. Maybe this is a more standard ace progression, but I'm not really getting it yet. Notes while reading: (doing the Ch 5 excerpt first) pg 12: "It made her want to kiss them." --This seems very juvenile compared with the previous sentence. I'd rather be shown she wants to kiss them, or just let the prior sentence stand by itself. pg 12: "realizing that was wrong on so many levels" --Why? Isn't that what she's been going after the whole book? pg 12/13: Mi's interruption works a lot better now, but I still feel like M was already drawing away from the girls and was only brought back because her shields dropped. (Ch 7) pg 1: "but I don’t care who you..." --Ah. I think this might be my issue with M in this book. Everyone around her seems perfectly comfortable with regards to relationships, and then M is like, "Do I want to kiss this person? What would it be like?" The contrast makes her seem even more naive. pg 2: "Even though all he did was lay down next to her..." --this section was a little awkward because we're getting Mi's thoughs from the past when M sensed them. Took me a moment to realize Mi wasn't in the room. pg 3: "The way they’d interacted hadn’t exactly been platonic, but even after admitting they liked each other, they never talked about what they meant." --This is another example of the contrast I'm talking about. It might just be word choice. It's like M's operating in an MG book, and everyone else is in a YA book. pg 3: "So did you two only sleep together..." --yet in ch 5 she was visualizing being with both of them. I'm not quite sure where "Only two out of three of a threesome getting together" falls within the jealousy lines... pg 3: "all three of us were going to do stuff " --ah, this is better. Maybe make the assumption that they particularly wanted all three of them together before the above. pg 3: "but she hadn’t even been entirely sure if she’d really wanted to go further." --this is another point that keeps coming up as well. I can't remember if M has actually told everyone she's interested in that she's not sure about the physical side, because they all seem rearing to go... pg 4: "Sparring with someone she had a crush on would be very different than sparring with family." --I...hm...I don't know if this is the best thing to suggest as a diversion when some part of the pair maybe very interested in the other... pg 4: "You already did, M thought" --whoo..I have a lot more sympathy with T and A right now. pg 4: "but you are taking it to a whole new level.” --I mean, I'm all for a sexy wrestling match, and I think T and A (do I need to start referring to them as T&A?) are too, but I don't think M is. pg 5: "All of you.” --I feel like this should be a bigger section. pg 5: "go and critique their form." --Ha. I get this way when I see others practicing martial arts. pg 5: “I need this.” --but didn't she sort of need it two days ago? Waiting so long seems like it would take the tension out of everything. pg 6: "What else do you think is hot about me?” --to me, this is not something a person who is not yet sure about physical relationships would ask... pg 8: This shows a really good reason why M might avoid physical situations. I think this might be what was missing earlier, as a visceral explanation of how she gets overwhelmed. pg 9-10: This is all really good, and I think if it comes earlier in the book it will much better illustrate why M needs to keep her distance. pg 10: "You might not have the same problem once you’ve recovered more.” --Hmm...this sort of sucks the tension out of things. We had a good flaw that kept M from relationships, but now she can just rest up and it's fine. I'd much rather she had to work hard at it and thus develop over the book.

Thanks @Robinski and @Sarah B! Yep, good catch. I'll change this up so she tells when it's coming (or has a reason not to). I think there will still be plenty of drama with that. I'll try to clear this up. I had a bit of this same feeling when I read through it. This is something from previous books, but I can put in a reminder. Fair. I'll try to work on a better comparison. The tried to enter the city last time, but when they retreated, the Elg stayed in the city and didn't come after. I think this ties in with what you said last chapter about how the "plan" isn't well stated. Similar to above. I think I need to define what the army is doing better, and how they intend to proceed. The plan was to charge into the city and start taking out the Elg with overwhelming force, but that didn't work, so they dropped back and are trying a second plan. I'll work on clarifying all this. "Hold off" is not the best term. R/M & co are on the offensive, so more like they need to keep putting pressure on the Elg, before more come through the voids. Yep. I think I've got an idea of how to change this. Putting more pressure on killing as many Elg as possible before they recoup their numbers, while introducing the Ari to the rest of the facet. Yep. I'll detail the last section so there's more of an agenda. Hm...so I was intending this to show that they were developing strategy, or at least using it, now people were actively attacking. I'll see if I can make it clearer. Will add some detail! Good point. Will re-physics this section. That's a good point! I'll need to show S's fatigue better in here, or show why/how he can spend the notes. Awesome! I can clarify what Re is seeing, but very pleased that you enjoyed it overall. It's been a slog since last October! Well, it is the end of the book. He has to get something right eventually! But I take your point. I think I can help boost this by figuring out the details of the last chapter a little better. No problem at all! This is very long... Hope everything went well at work. I've managed to stay away since April so far...

Well, this is definitely clearer in terms of overall arc. I think the first few pages could be cut down or away, and start at the fight, which is the whole reason for the prologue. My main problem is still A, if we are going to be following him for the whole book. So far I have gathered: -He's a prince, but seems to know nothing about how the object he's studying is directly connecting with the king, his father (I assume). -He can be drawn into random conversation and give up state secrets and by small talk. He's willing to invite complete strangers to mess with his research. -He shirks responsibility even when he's on a deadline and under heavy pressure. I mean, I can see why the king might have shuttled him off to a research job, but I'm still concerned about his motivation, and also about his competence to study this artifact. So if we look at the character sliders of Proactiveness, Sympathy, and Competence, he's sort of low on the last two, which makes it hard to connect to him. He's a bit low on the first one too, since he's deciding to rest instead of working on the artifact. Notes while reading: pg 1: "“Okay,” he said." This doesn't really add anything. You could remove it and let the next sentence carry the answer. pg 1: "then climbed the rope and disappeared from view." --I was not expecting him to shimmy out of sight like a monkey... pg 2: "but I don’t doubt him. Or his men" --At this point the character is introduced, but I still have no idea what's going on. They're fighting...someone...about something. pg 2: "They waited for some time" --and then they wait. If you have to wait to get to the action at the beginning of a book, you might need to start closer to the action. pg 2: "He shoved a pair of goggles over his eyes and stepped out, sword raised, blocking the entrance" --I feel like it might be better to start here. pg 2: "trained to take advantage of his enemy’s disorientation, swept his sword down. His blade scored the man’s collarbone, missing the throat." --He's trained to take opponents off guard, but when creates the perfect chance, he misses? pg 2: "hands red" --except his neck is cut, not his hands. pg 2: "He shouted out and the group retreated" --sooo...why is he retreating when the battle is starting? Wouldn't he come back at P, especially after receiving a cut? pg 2: "He was not cold." --not sure why this is relevant. pg 3: "Much like P’s first battle" --Is this his second? I gathered he'd had a lot of fights. Why is he thinking of the first? Is it comparable to this one in some way? pg 3: "Bronze armour had protected them from the tribesmens’ stone axes." --yeah, this seems more like a slaughter, and I'm not too sympathetic toward P. pg 3: "I saw them after that flash of light." --what flash? The one on his sword? That didn't seem to do much. If there was another more powerful one, I'd rather see that scene. pg 4: "an object of pagan worship, if the rumours were true" --there are a lot of colonialist overtones in this...I'm wondering why they're massacring indigenous(?) people who seem to have no chance against them. pg 4: "You go to stasis. It will not be bad.” --that's an interesting way of putting it. pg 4: "without a reflective surface" --not sure I understand this, which might be alright at this point. I'm not sure what a reflective surface has to do with anything. Any object can receive light. Do they have to reflect sunlight from an object into another object to "charge" it? pg 5: "He walked a few steps unaided and, feeling more confident, stooped beside the boy’s body." --and he's blistered with sunburns, right? pg 6: "Fit some desert artifact’s abilities into T orthodoxy" Ah, this makes a lot more sense than last time. pg 7: "My friend says you’re a prince" --strange that he didn't know the stone was to go to his father(?) then? pg 8: "There was no polite way to say no." --He sort of already did, and isn't he on an urgent errand? pg 8: "I wondered what you thought of the northern border dispute." --I thought they had something important to talk about? Seems like they're making small talk. pg 10: "What’s there to tell,” she breathed." --really don't understand why the prince, who has a lot more important things to do, and is accosted by random people who want to talk about something unclear, is even staying around for this. Why is he tempted to stay around? There's no reason to talk to them at all. pg 10: "he guessed she’d want to see it." --now he's contemplating letting the random people he met into his research lab to mess with a powerful artifact disputed between the king and the high priest? I don't believe that. pg 10: "The man is entitled to a secret or two.” --he's entitled to all his secrets. He met them about a minute ago. pg 10: "But, em, thank you for the talk. I enjoyed it.” For a moment, he’d felt his worries ease." --they didn't really have a talk, and why would it make him less worried that randos have heard about the powerful artifact he's studying? pg 11: "His job was on the line" --buuuuut he's a prince, right? pg 11: "But A felt he deserved a rest and aimed for his accommodation" --he deserves a rest when he just blabbed about a secret artifact and his job is on the line?

Whoo boy, this is the end! And it is very long: right around 13000 words for everything. I apologize and am perfectly fine if you take a couple weeks to get in responses. You can blame @shatteredsmooth and @Snakenaps a little, because I added about 300 words based on their feedback. ;-) However I think the ending is a lot stronger for it. Chapter 25. The final battle! Epilogue. Please let me know if this ties everything up satisfactorily. I'm especially looking for fulfilled and broken promises, since this is the end of a trilogy. For you who have read all way through, and definitely if you've read all three books, are there any threads that are not tied up, or are you left with a "completed" feeling at the ending? Do the last questions seem like ones that are ok to be addressed in a separate series, or several years after reading this? Previously: S/E/I arrive in the other facet with their news of the Elg. The Eff and court are there, E has problems with trust, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. E battles the voices inside her as they travel to the Ari, and attacks S. In the Ari enclave, I struggles with his image, we learn of the Ari, and E and I use each other's houses for the first time. M arrives with the society to the Imp and is attacked by Elg. People die and M finds himself with more and more responsibility as they attempt to figure out what's going on. They learn the Eff is also killed, and M makes clever use of a portal to save his life. Ri and co arrive on HD's homeworld, gather themselves, then engage the Elg in the Imp. They barely escape, and find out where other refugees have gone. S/E/I learn more about the Ari and find there's only one hammock in the bedroom. They all attempt to pass through the wall, but are stopped by the Elg. S devises a new plan and they try again, with disastrous results. M leads his posse on a hunt, without success, and meets up with R and her posse. Many connections are made. E lives as an Elg for a few days and learns how they work. She also wins over the voices inside. I, meanwhile, dons the diadem and learns the history of the Eff. E/I appear in front of the rest of the cast and fill them in on everything. O gets some long overdue recognition and the whole crew starts planning to fight back. Back with S, he learns about the HoT and what comes next. Then it's off to Re to see how he's working with/against the Ari. M works with E/I on their connection, Talks to O, and E/I figure out their next steps. Then O talks with the hive and R with the Gr. E/I visit Vae, still in her coma, and speak with the Ari leaders. S works out how the HoT works. Re and N fight Elg, then team up with E/I and the Ari. R, M, and co make a first push toward the Elg, but are rebuffed, and are reunited with E/I, Re and N. Then S and WW find out where the Neth. really came from!

I think @kais requested a spot from last week, so that would fill it out.

Thanks @CherishLarain! I think you missed the first Re chapter, so that's understandable. Glad you liked the chapter though. That's a good point, He's got a bit more toward the end, so let me know if that wraps things up for you. I could see adding a couple lines here or there, but as you say, not a lot more drama.

That sounds better the more I think of it.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Cool. That's exactly what I was going for, so glad it worked. Agree. I always get over paranoid about making sure everything is remembered. Ah, good catch. Yeah, I think that comes up to quick. It's a good place to expand a little. Maybe this is part of why I feel like something is missing. Even WW seems concerned by what he is doing there, and I'm worried him breaking the Nether apart. He briefly thinks about it, but then just brushes it off. Very unconcerned with what he is doing. It's not just a newfound confidence but bordering on carelessness or arrogance. Is there a way to reassure readers that he is not just going to break the Nether? Or some reason he knows it will be okay for now? A reason he thinks it's okay to "mashing around with no strategy" as @Robinski puts it. I wonder if I need to up the emotion/desperation? Maybe put in that the voice will win if he doesn't immediately stop it. I'll definitely look at it. This was not clear. To me, it more or less felt like he just got away from the voice, but didn't do much to really affect it. Noted. Will make clearer.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Yep, I think the blocking might be a bit off here. I'll look back over it. N is only using House of Grace, so that probably something that's not clear. Good ideas! I'll spruce this up a bit. I had this same issue. It didn't make enough sense to land for me. I got that N is agreeing to help out, but is it really the most important thing? I don't think it really closes the chapter that well. It didn't have the same impact that some of the other endings did Yeah, I'm going to take a close look at it. I was thinking N agreeing to help was the most important thing since he's been an adversary for three books, but I wonder if I shoudl focus on Re instead?

Hey--we had ReCon I close to there last year! A bunch of us went, and I'll definitely be at WorldCon 2021, assuming *gestures at world.* We did a tour of Ireland before WorldCon in Dublin and it's a beautiful country. We even got to visit Derry and Belfast in Northern Ireland. We really wanted to get to both countries.

Well, jumping in for the 15th, and here's the question: The last chapter is (currently) 9100 words long, and the epilogue is (currently) 3650 words. I don't plan on adding or taking much of anything out. I've had a couple people already read ahead, so does anyone mind if I just take two slots and submit the whole 12k? Then I'll be out of everyone's hair after this week and will free up a couple slots for other subbing books. Thanks to all for putting up with me!

Thanks @kais! Cool. Glad the majority of this worked. Great questions. This helps me narrow down what I need to change. I think this was another place where I knew what I was doing but didn't get it all down on the page. I'll shore this section up and make it more definite. Good. Glad this works. It was *checks notes* about 5-6 months ago. I think this is something I didn't really show well during the series. He will take a long time to get over this and is basically drained (ha) for the whole series. Ha! Yep. Had a lot of fun with this. They haven't had a lot of good conversation for the past many thousands of cycles...the Elg aren't really good conversationalists ;-) Thanks for the comments! I'm glad this went as well as it did. I think altering some of S's motivations and actions during the last chapter will bring things together.

Absolutely no pressure to read all the past critiques. You can jump in anytime and start fresh!