Mandamon

This is a good sequel to the scene of last chapter. Moving up to the events of the last page plants a seed of dread running through things. I might have had a different reaction even before last week...but as it seems with a lot of our works here, there are striking similarities between events in our culture. Not...a whole lot else to say... Notes while reading: pg 3: "it was a sign of respect. More honorable than she would have expected from him." --I think by now, with all the things Ir. has seen, this shouldn't be too much of a surprise. TBK usually acts honorably. pg 4: "No matter what she chooses, I will allow your family to say their goodbyes" --I feel like there's a disconnect through the whole book with how TBK acts and how everyone perceives him. Pretty much every response has been reasonable for a person in a position of extreme authority, even lenient. Yet everyone expects his next action to be iron-handed and cruel. Is there a reason why? pg 6: "Each of them was unharmed, she was sure" --why? Has she had any word? pg 7: "After all, they had each betrayed each other to save the country they were loyal to." --no, Ir didn't betray anything. She's only reacted to continued attacks from S, each time getting more overt. Ir has always sought to lessen the conflict. I get that she's feeling this, but if this is what she believes, it might be important to stress in the book what really happened, like have other character tell her she's been acting reasonably or something. pg 8: "I heard of your deal" --how? I thought Ir was going to be the one to tell her? pg 9/10: I think these reactions are really good. Four years ago, I might have said they were unreasonable, but the amount of gaslighting S is doing to Ir. is unfortunately consistent with a lot of families I've seen. I think we've learned lately just how much people are willing to delude themselves and ignore evidence in front of their faces. The only corollary to this I have is that it's going to have a big effect on Ir. and her family in later books. S has committed herself, and I wouldn't want to see this brought down later in the story, like S suddenly "sees the light" and decides to be rational. I think bulking up the revolutionaries' story near the beginning could also give a better reason for why S started on this path, despite how it ended up. Would make this even more powerful.

Lol. Of course. Bef will have an entire collection of unfired weapons soon, I imagine.

I think the others have caught pretty much everything I did, and probably said it better. My general impression is also that the story is serviceable, but not particularly interesting. I don't have character buy in for C, and honestly A seems to be more interesting. That leads into some of the gendered remarks the others have, but we also get some slight backstory for her, and the assassin is actually after her, so that's much more interesting that two random dudes comparing...er...swords. Also had this connotation all through the chapter, to the point of being a little distracting. Dialogue: @Robinski gives a lot of good tips for this. Right now I wouldn't say it's bad, but it's just not interesting. Make the characters say unexpected things. Keep the reader's interest with cool inside jokes, or personality traits expressed through dialogue. Don't go overboard, but also don't have the dialogue be an exercise in vocal description. Combat: I actually thought this was pretty good. If your intent is short, brutal, combat, I think this achieved that pretty well. Even the big fight at the end didn't take up more than a half-page or so, and reflects "real life" a lot better, I think. The Sword: It was fine? I noticed it seemed to have some intellect, though not a vocal one. If that's what you're going for, fine. I think the problem is, like the rest of the chapter, it's just not that interesting. There's a personality of sorts in the blade, but it's pretty light, and doesn't make much of an impact on the reader. Notes while reading: pg 1: C's name is suspiciously close to the boatman of the river styx... pg 1: "the hapless victims" --not sure what this is referring to--the villagers? It doesn't say previously that all the villagers were killed, so this is a bit confusing. pg 1: "She was not wrong" --probably can cut stuff like this. It's apparent in the next sentence. pg 1: "“I will have" and "the boys" is a bit contradictory. A seems to not use contractions, but "the boys" is fairly casual. pg 1: "the two had met" --meaning C and A? Might say "the day he had met her the first time." pg 2: the assassin isn't particularly good at being stealthy, is she? pg 2: "took one look and rolled from the back of his horse and he felt the wind of the passing blade as it sank deep into the saddle." --this sentence is particularly awkward and drags the tension of the combat down. pg 3: "but the blow was far too strong." --a lot of the wording in here makes it clear that the assassin is no threat, so I don't feel tense for C's safety at all. pg 3: "The assassin’s corpse fell to the ground" --huh. Yeah, that was anticlimactic. pg 3: "rolled her over and studied her face, she was not familiar to him" --I've seen this several times so far, so I'm noting it. This is not one sentence. This is two sentences and needs to be separated by a period or maybe a semicolon. pg 3: "A clue, perhaps?" --A clue to what? Is C investigating something with assassins? It's certainly an identifier, so to state that it's a "clue" seems unnecessary. pg 3: "He stood slowly..." --this sentence is a run-on. pg 4: "the few villagers left alive" --wait, I though the three burned corpses were all that were left? pg 4: "made the fury burn stronger" --You're telling an emotion, and then showing it by him gripping the sword's hilt. You could cut out the first part of this sentence. pg 5: "I lost my horse back there, I’ll need another" --wait, what? First, I thought the assassin only hit the saddle. Nothing was said of the horse getting killed. Second, horses aren't just like disposable bicycles. How many extra does a small group like this have with them? pg 6: "The viper that strikes from the shadows and vanishes moments after.” --I feel like the assassin should have been more threatening, with all this buildup... pg 7: "knew he couldn’t say the words" --why not? I don't think we know enough about the characters yet to figure that out. pg 8: "He had no time to don the rest of his kit before ducking from the tent." --how's that nasty side wound feeling now? --ah, it is mentioned a couple paragraphs later. pg 9: “He lost the right to be called my father" --well, that's interesting... pg 10: "he knows about it, I’m sure.” --he's already commented that C is wounded. pg 12: Well, that is definitely short and brutal combat...

Similar thoughts to the others on this one. I also think it doesn't have quite enough punch (as it is) for a flash piece, even if it's cut down. Every sentence really needs to mean a lot in a flash piece.This was a decent short story, and could probably be expanded to be 3k or so, if you wanted. I think you'd really have to double down on the emotion for it to be a flash piece. On the symbolism, no, didn't get that at all. I was expecting the peonies to be the sign of the aliens, or an alien child, or some sign of how no one believed her (because it was possible imagined?). I think for the peony to function as M's experiences, you'd really need to focus on that in the story. Expanding this to 3k or so would give you space to do that, and explore her relationship with her daughter more, and how that contrasts with her relationship with the aliens. I'd also like some more information on all the other times the visited, as is says they came when she was 60 and 72, but implied the used to come a lot more. I think is a good story in this, but I'll agree it's a weird length. It could go longer or shorter, depending on what you want to do with it. Notes while reading: pg 2: "office thinks it is a mutant peony." --so did she dig it up? Later it seems it's still growing in the garden. She could have replanted it, but there'd have been some trauma to the plant. pg 2: "But the older she got, the less and less they visited" --this part's a bit confusing. Did they used to come a lot before she was 60? Why does the list start there, if they've come a lot before then? pg 2: "She felt, rather than saw, them." --I see from the next paragraph that this refers to the alien, but here it seems like it's referring to the peony.

I agree with this completely, and was thinking the same thing. So often we get battles and cheap death, but here we are invested in the characters so the one death we get has so much more power. The emotional resonance here was very well done! Similar thoughts to the others on this. I think it's a really good chapter, finally bringing a lot of the buildup home. My one quibble is that if we had an even better view of what exactly the revolutionaries had been doing, it would make the scene with T that much more impactful. I think there may be a little too much time with Ir thinking on pages 5/6 and the tension could be spiked even more. The only other problem I had was blocking with where the Revs. are and how they got in. Like @kais says, give us the specifics of the secret passage (and Ir. telling S about it previous is beautiful!). That way we know that X revs are running up this passage, and we know the palace forces can cut them off by blocking of Y passage. Right now, there's a lot of running around, and it seems like TBK got enough warning to box in the Revs. right when they entered the palace. I think this is similar to what I was saying about the Rev's motives. We don't know what they are, and Ir doesn't seem to consider them a threat. I don't think at this point the reader (or maybe the author ;-) thinks the Revs can defeat TBK, and so all the characters subconsciously think that too. Make them an actual threat, so we're really unsure if TBK will survive! Notes while reading: pg 2: "guard handed his monarch the keys" --still have an issue with lines like this. TBK doesn't have hands, so how is he handed anything? Is it handed to a telepathic grap? pg 2: I think this is supposed to show that TBK is devious and manipulative, but it seems a good precaution for a monarch at risk to know the information is accurate, except for the part where Ir. is still clutching the bars. pg 3: "Ir had betrayed them." --S never got any sort of promise that Ir wouldn't tell. In fact she locked Ir up so she couldn't. So Ir can't really betray her... pg 4: "How did he get down to the docks before you killed him" --I feel like a monarch who has survived as many attempts as TBK would have known to check this, and wouldn't need to be told by a young girl how the revolutionaries might get in. pg 5/6: I think some of the mental debating here is slowing the pace of the story. She's already decided to grab S&T. pg 6: "and outnumbered the M. soldiers" --I'm still not clear at all on how many revolutionaries there are, and how many castle guard. pg 6: "His water pummeled the enemy," --I think we need some more description of the revolutionaries. We know they're there, but not where they're situated and how far they've pressed into the castle. pg 7: "and his teeth ripped into flesh mercilessly." --like, this makes me think there are ranks of soldiers hacking at each other, but Ir is skipping through the castle unharmed. So which is it? corridors crowded with fighting soldiers, or an empty castle? pg 7: "Revolutionaries poured down the hall." --They all came from one entrance, right? So how are they all over the castle? Since they knew where they were coming from, it should be easy to hem them in. pg 8: "Sun had to be TBK" --why? How did she come to that conclusion? --oh, because he wants her to name the revolutionaries. Didn't get that at first. pg 10: "The soldier was attacking plunged" --HE was attacking? pg 11-14: I think having Ir. with T instead of S is definitely an emotional moment. However, I can't keep but thinking all this is brought on by T and S themselves. I'm hoping setting up the revolutionaries as a stronger antagonist with better reasons for fighting will make this even more meaningful.

(For those who are wondering, @Robinski has a...complicated relationship with dice.)

I'm working on a Dissolutionverse-themed RPG and played a session with some of the RE folks who'd read the books. Ironing out the rules for the game to maybe publish it sometime!

Lol. That was a fun game. I always find it's better when someone fails miserably at a roll at least once. That's when the fun stuff happens!

Ooh! This is actually a really good idea that would give the revolutionaries some agency, if they were able to successfully turn palace employees.

I'm similar to @Robinski. I have an extensive outline (usually 10-15 pages for a 100k+ novel). I'll usually change the ending around some, plot points especially after the halfway point, and massage character reactions in later drafts, but in 10+ books I've never rewrote so extensively I needed to throw a draft away. On each revision, I save the old one as "Title, DRAFT X DO NOT CHANGE" which gives me license to completely change scenes and chapter placement around in the new one without losing any material. I usually don't even look back at old drafts, though.

I'll echo the others that this was an amazing rewrite in such a short time. Good job! Unfortunately, it's let me see some of the worldbuilding issues a lot clearer ;-) My main issues: I'll third the statement that a lot of the lines are still way too juvenile. "Ultra-idiot" just does not fit in this sort of story, talking to a dying god-emperor. I'd really like more information on why Ek was chosen. The resistance seems to have no clue what they're doing and who they are choosing to run a galaxy. The emperor destroying the library...just doesn't work for me. He's either caring for the many species (as he says), in which case no way is he going to destroy the means of continued support, or he's actually a evil overlord suppressing everyone, in which case why is he going on about how the resistance won't be able to care for everyone? He's just going to say, "Bwhahahaha, everything will crash and burn now!" The meeting part of the second chapter is slow, and could probably be sped up, but also gives some interesting information, which, again, I have some issues with. Like...how was this government even functional? The species don't know about each other? How is trade accomplished? Who does know about all the species--because someone has to, even if it's the emperor and the ruling elite, someone has to keep the machine running. How does the convergence work? Like, a bunch of species show and say, "who are you," and then...what happens? Why are they converging if they don't even know that other species exist? I have many questions. Now, I am not saying this is bad and all these questions need to be answered, but I would like a little more clarity now on what exactly is hidden to which people, and how was the government running before. I hope there's also a really good reason coming for why things haven't fallen apart until now. Notes while reading: pg 1: A lot more impactful emotion in the first couple paragraphs. Pg 1: This is a lot better, compressing to the important emotions we should feel at the end of a long campaign and a victory. I think this setting is still going to be an uphill battle, but this is already working a lot better. pg 1: "She had simply been chosen" --I'd like a little more on this to help it land. You're not going to "simply" choose a new emperor of the galaxy, even if they are a figurehead. Was she chosen for looks? Charisma? She has a background in political science? Why was she chosen and not one of the actual leaders? What's wrong with them? pg 2: “So it literally glows,” --what does? The emperor? The crystal? The metal? --Ah, I think this is answered when she grabs the gem. This could be clearer. pg 2: “Jeshu Kris, he’s alive,” --ehhh...I'm going to call foul on this one. Using even a corrupted curse from one religion on Earth means I instantly place this as hundreds of years in the future of our Earth. If that's what you want, fine, but giant space empires are usually so far in the future that most Earth trappings are left behind. pg 2: "I guess that makes you an ultra idiot,” --still not on board with the humor in this. I think it's just too juvenile for the rest of the tone. pg 3: "What? How much did he actually know?" --So this suggests there is some hidden reason why she was chosen to lead... pg 3: "Good luck ruling without comprehending that" --I think this is presented a lot better, so much so that I now have an issue with it (of course). He's presenting himself as a capable ruler that cares for dozens of different species. Yet he destroys the method a new government would need to keep that care going. So he's dooming the galaxy out of spite? This seems inconsistent with what he demonstrated earlier. pg 4: “How could it serve someone who doesn’t really exist?” --ok, interested in what Ek's secret is... pg 4: "There was no more need for violence" --ehhh...except there's going to be a lot more violence because the whole empire is going to collapse in on itself without all the linking information between all the moving parts... pg 6: "they haven’t listened" --They who? We have the emperor, who's the face of the previous ruling class, but I have no idea who all was helping him (and presumably now running the remains of the miltary). pg 6: “And for all those parents?” --Do what now? What parents? What children? pg 6: "Means you really have a soul" --eh? So is she an android too? pg 6: "I like that you have heart" --hmmm...so they chose her simply because she can put on a good public face? I suppose that's good, but I still wonder why none of the other leaders are taking the role. pg 7: "And now that she’s gone" --okay, now there's a bit more explanation. She wasn't chosen. She was the second choice, which makes a little more sense. Maybe a hint of this earlier? pg 7: “Nice,” Ek breathed out. “Then I can finally take a nap.” --Eh? No. Now begins years and years of intense negotiation over how the new government runs... pg 8: "We have only thirty cycles until..." --So there's a ticking clock in here, but I don't know if it's a good thing, or a bad thing, or a terrible thing. pg 10: "was saying that there were dozens of species and hundreds of planets.” --Wait, so these people don't even know the extent of their own government? I feel like this is an incredibly important point, which makes the library destruction an even worse idea. They're a space-faring race that can't determine which planets are sending messages and goods to other parts of the empire? I'm not saying this point is necessarily bad, but something this big needs to be unpacked a bit (lot) more. pg 11: "to arrive here in thirty cycles" --ok, I guess we know what that is now. So did these people just rule autonomously except for meeting once in a while? That doesn't seem to mesh with a single ruler. pg 11: "If word leaks that we’ve overthrown..." --Now I'm just wondering how this empire works at all. There's no communication between different parts? Surely the emperor could send messages to different places. Won't they be concerned if they don't hear anything? pg 12: Good ending.

Like the others, I really enjoyed this. Probably some of your best work so far! I'll also agree there were a bunch of redundancies and typos, but nothing that won't be cleaned up with another pass. I was actually a bit sad when I read the captain won't be the MC and instead the knight/soldier will be. I was looking forward to looking over the shoulder of the world-wise captain and his plant spirit thing, seeing how the mysterious knight develops. Still, it could be good the other way too. I hope the captain will be around for more of the book. Hmm...I actually disagree with this. I think we were given just enough to grasp the steampunky world and draw us into the book. Like @kais said, If I read this prologue in a bookstore, I'd probably walk out with the book. Overall, though, very good job! I look forward to more of this. Notes while reading: pg 1: "tugboat descended," "small boat gently lowered" --some repetition pg 1: "machine spirit" --I'm intrigued... pg 2: Strong steampunk vibe. pg 3: Was the flower growing in response to W's recitation? It seemed that way, but then it seemed it grew on its own. pg 4: "hydraulic armor" --cool. pg 5: "taking the appearance she used when she wanted to look human" --can probably cut this since you then describe her as looking human. pg 6: "somehow managed to get herself" --so does the crew not know about the spirit? That seems unlikely. pg 7: "It seemed identical...but W couldn’t tell for sure whether or not it was." --This seems contradictory. If he can't tell, then it wouldn't seem identical. pg 8: Nice ending.

I agree with the others that S is off here, but you've already addressed that. The two larger things I had problems with are: 1) It's really hard to lock someone IN a house rather than locking them out.I would think S would know this and assume Ir will escape soon 2) I find it hard to believe the guards at the palace she's worked at for--what, a year now?--don't recognize her and furthermore just lock her away when she comes with a specific threat and naming high-ranking officials in the palace that she's worked with. This all feels a bit like the author's hand making sure Ir doesn't get to her destination in time. Other than that, glad Ir is showing agency and has chosen a side! Notes while reading: pg 3: "follow TBK...and go to C.?" --Why would she go there? Isn't the king based in their city? pg 4: "under the hoof of a tyrant..." --as usual, need some more backup for this. Examples of him being a tyrant, and why it's bad to ally with the Fey. pg 5: “I thought you’d be strong enough to see. That’s okay, though.” --S is definitely fanatical in this. I'd love to see some more development earlier as to WHY she's going revolutionary. pg 5: The instant makeup after the screaming match is bizarrely quick. pg 6: "That was when she heard the door lock." --Oh, okay, that's why. pg 7: "then her friends were in mortal danger" --based on what's happened so far with the spy and general W coming in, I'd think more the revolutionaries are in mortal danger. They just don't seem to have a strong base. pg 7: "the Revolutionaries would have anything more than a brief, sweet victory" --yeah, no. There's nothing that has been shown that would make me think they would succeed. Far more likely they'll just dash themselves on the castle's defenses and all die... pg 7: "no way out there" --it's very hard to make it hard to get OUT of a house...much easier to keep people from getting in. pg 8: "She grabbed a large iron skillet, hefting its weight." --yeah, like if I was trapped in a house, I'd go directly for the weak points where a person would have to shore of naturally open places, like windows. Door can be boarded up from the outside easily. pg 9: "who doubtless made the locks on these...shutters!" --which at least makes some sense, but I wonder how long they spent locking up their house? pg 10: How many guards are at the palace? I find it hard to believe they'd first, not know her face, and second, just lock her up when she asks for specific high-ranking individuals by name. She's worked there for months. Surely she knows the name of the captain of the guard? pg 11: "The minotaur shook his head and the cell locked with a clang" --yeah, this just feels plotful, like Ir has to be out of the way long enough for S and crew to start attacking. Is there a more realistic way she can be delayed?

I thought this was a much better prologue than last time, and does a great job of easing a reader back in. I noted a few of the points the others did above, but I think they can be cleaned up with a few sentences. I completely missed that this would be a problem in the first paragraph, as I already knew the information. I did comment about it on pg 17 where it's directly referenced. I think for new readers, there needs to be a quick rundown of N - name and how it is used. Lol. I had this question through the whole first series, but it also didn't impact me reading. This is explained well on pg 11 when it says she could pass as human, but I think pulling this and the eight fingers explanation earlier would help. Also noted this. I think it just needs a quick callout as to how the pronoun is used, and it will be fine. The only other thing I had a problem with was, why was her neck itchy the whole time? I don't think it was ever explained. I was assuming it was the same disease that was causing the yellow leaves, but I guess not? Notes while reading: pg 1: 14 years! Has it been that long before the new books? pg 1: I think this gives a lot of good cues to help the reader remember what happened in the first book, and to give new readers a little bit of background as to what's going on. It's a good way to set the scene, but you also have the question of why the trees aren't thriving. pg 2: "unless a mythical Ar. showed up" --This might be a bit too on the nose for a reintroduction... pg 3: "screamed I evolved from the mating of an amphibian and a fruit salad." --lol! This is a great description of them. pg 3: "temporarily stuck to their hull with a substance N. didn’t want to think about." --Why would she not want to think about it? pg 4: "mostly overhyped fluff in bad outfits." --another great line. --I'm definitely enjoying this so far. This seems to be introducing a couple new concepts a page, easy enough for a new reader to get around. There are the new pronouns here, however. Would it be worth it to note that "xe" and "hir" are pronouns, for new readers? pg 5: "Possibly because I wanted to see how close we could fly to a star about to go supernova." --I'm wondering if this is what actually happened or if N is just giving MK crap. Honestly not sure... pg 6: more good descriptions of the Ris. I like how they are innately dislikeable. pg 7: "She’d maybe, maybe, get to go home." --good stakes pg 8: "Gifts by unbelievers are not wanted." --harsh, and also tells a bit about why N is exiled. pg 9: "had come and unified the Charted Systems" --another good reminder. pg 10: "shoving her eight-fingered hands" --I think this is the first mention of this? I wonder if it can come earlier, because this is a bit of a shock to N's mental description. I see from the next paragraph why it's here, but maybe mentioning it earlier, when working with the trees, will set it up better. pg 11: "who smelled the worst of the lot." --lol. Also good rundown of the species. pg 11: "passing her off as a Terran" --good for description. pg 12: and a good re-introduction of the "pets." pg 13: "Her neck still itched." --wondering what this is... pg 13: "just for the buffalo?” --not quite sure what this means. pg 14: "This thing felt like a pulse of raw voltage" --good description of the tech, too. I think this prologue is actually giving me a better intro into the universe than the first book did. pg 15: Not fully sure I get this. Is the ball a way to keep the seeds healthy? pg 16: "Like water buffalo.” --Is this referencing A's origin on Earth? Not sure what this means. pg 17: "the biped stared" --I can see how this explanation might still be confusing to new readers unless it's spelled out directly. pg 20: "does have a line about a mother’s illness stabilizing" --that was decent of him. pg 21: "We have this one back on Earth where people from this tiny little island kept consuming other countries. It’s riveting.” --lol. pg 23: Interesting history through here. Definitely good for readers of the other books. Not sure how much new readers will be interested. pg 27: Ah, I'm guessing this is #4 from the old prologue. pg 28: “Your secret frigate friend just saved us a lot of trouble.” --a little convoluted in here, and might require a little more explanation, especially to new readers. are they stopped because otherwise the president would have tried to kill N if they landed on the planet? pg 29: "YOUR WORDS ARE NOT FORGOTTEN, NOR ARE YOU." --Is this referencing a speech N gave? Not sure. pg 31: Much better intro for #4 is this prologue. pg 33: "Maybe she hadn’t been completely rejected by her planet." --cool.

This chapter has a few pieces that add to the overall story, but I think it could be incorporated into another chapter pretty easily. There's a lot of time with the expectation of Ir returning home, except so many chapters have already been devoted to this whole trip, I'm ready for Ir to move on an get to the next part of the story. There's some brief conflict at the end, but this is all just a buildup for Ir and S to meet later on. We get one tidbit from TBK, which could be added to the previous chapter easily, and then there could be a page or so of Ir getting home and greeting family, but then make the rest of this chapter about Ir and S's confrontation. Notes while reading: pg 2: "and the lack of remorse she felt towards the entire situation concerned her." --not sure if "remorse" is the right emotion for this? Guilt? Embarrassment? pg 2: "It was easier to just exist in this moment." --not sure this first section achieves anything, and they we switch to TBK. Can we just start with him? pg 3: "best choice for the F. project." --aha, here's the start of the chapter, 3 pages in. pg 4: Not sure why there's another time skip on this page. I'm ready to get Ir home and get on with it. pg 5: and another time skip... pg 7: "She dug through it, pulling out one item at a time." --it would be nice if these had some significance. I've said before the whole trip is talked about too much and takes up too little of the story. I'd like to see a lot more manipulation during the trip by TBK. It would be really cool if all these little mementos were from escapades Ir and W had on the trip!

Oh geez, that was actually a guess, but I just looked it up. Book 4 published in 1992, book 14 published in 2013. 21 years!

I only ever read the first three books, and its been a while. Is this the name of a character from WOT? Yes, the question was "Who killed Asmodeon." It happens in book 4 and no one figured it out until it was told in book 14, about 20 years later!

I think this definitely has potential, but I was thrown off by the dialogue and the lack of specifics in the setting. Starting a book with the aftermath of a giant battle is hard because you're at the resolution of another story. All these people had heroic moments that we never saw and character building scenes, and now they're thrust on us. It's hard to make a reader care about them. Think about if the Star Wars story started right after the end of Return of the Jedi. There is literally no story that takes on that moment. Some books pick up a few months or years later, and the new movies are 30 years out, because that's the end of the story. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it's going to be a challenge to boost the reader into caring about all these characters that have come together and had an adventure already. I think this is why I had trouble with the specifics of the setting. We would have to get an explanation for every single thing that happens to make it worthwhile (Why is the emperor bad? Why was Ek chosen as a figurehead? Why is El the only one with her? Who is "he" who is muting the powers? What powers? Why is all the knowledge concentrated in the library, and why didn't they steal that first? Why are there no guards with the emperor...) Yes, I'm being harsh on this, but as you're going for "writing xp" on this, I figured I'd make it bleed red... Again, I think there's a hook in there, but this is going to be an uphill battle to make the story catch someone right off. I was almost into it on the first page before the MC had some terrible dialogue. That instantly made me question whether this was actually a space epic, or if it was a comedy hiding as a SF story. That would be a good twist, if that's what you're going for, to have a big dramatic moment, ending the battle, and then basically "You're an idiot" "no, you're a hyper idiot" "no, you're a mega idiot!" But then the story goes serious again and I'm just left confused. So, there's some interesting material in here, but I think this would need to zero the focus in on one character to give the reader some stakes, and give a very definite personal goal, something a little more specific than "we need to set up an entire galactic government from scratch." Notes while reading: pg 1: Starting line needs specificity. Just like what? You give the details afterward, so it might be better to say something like "I just freed the galaxy" or similar to bring the reader into the character and setting. pg 1: "“Well if we’re idiots, I guess that makes you an ultra idiot,” “Cause you, ya know, lost.” --Erp, nope. I was actually getting into this as the aftermath of a huge space opera battle taking down a god-emperor and then...the MC opens their mouth. Unless you're going for SF comedy this completely derails the gravity of the setting you've just created. pg 2: "He has something to do with it,” --he who? Both the characters introduced so far are female, yes? pg 2: "The soldiers let out a cheer" --these are the soldiers on high alert, high-strung even though there's no more danger, right? I don't think they would cheer. pg 2: "And part of it had exploded." --that is the least exciting way to say this. pg 3: “But no one rules forever. I don’t need your stupid library. I’m going to bring a light to the darkness of your tyranny.” --yeah at this point, I'm sort of hoping the emperor pulls through. He seems a lot more competent. pg 3: "El floated over" --Is that all she's doing? She just sat there the whole chapter. She's planted as an equal with Ek, taking over the empire, but she hasn't been introduced or done anything. I don't even know why/how she's floating. pg 4: "El floated up beside her" --at this point, I'm just annoyed at her floating around. There's no description yet. Is she telekinetic? In a hoverchair? Missing her legs? An anthropomorphic speck of light with eyes? pg 4: "turned her handless body" --okay, so we know she's missing hands and has a shell? pg 6: There's lots of talk about people dying, but there's no emotional attachment because we know nothing about the resistance or the fight. I guess we're supposed to assume the empire was bad? Is the resistance less bad? pg 6: "Can we truly say that our goals are worth even a single life?” --I think you can definitively say that, yes, as you've voluntarily thrown many away to have this victory. pg 7: “Wow! The throne room!” --This is like something said on a Saturday morning kid's cartoon. pg 7: "And he had been G’s boyfriend, so he was off-limits." --off limits for what? A relationship? Sex? Why is she thinking this now when everyone's gathering for a meeting? pg 8: "We killed Asm...n" --that's who killed him! (Sorry, WoT fan question for many years...) pg 8/9: Also, I just realized I'm skimming to get to the end because I don't care about any of these characters and there have been about 10 introduced in the last two pages.

I didn't make any notes while reading because this was short and also very engaging! I'll agree with the others that J is maybe a little too whiny about being a terrible person, but there's a very strong character connection here with both J and A. I love "Mom" and "Dr. Mom" Considering this is already 1500 words, I think it's definitely too long for a 5k story. It might work for a 12 or 15k story. Plotwise, there...isn't anything yet? They're going to make sure a stowaway remains hidden? I guess the plot is J is going to do whatever it is A is asking? We haven't gotten many details, so I can't really say anything about it. So overall, voice and character are great, but I think this section is about as far as that can take the reader before needing something concrete to latch on to in terms of plot. If it's supposed to be 5k words, This probably needs to be cut down to about 500 before you get to the inciting incident.

Yay! Proactive Ir finally! I'll agree with @kais that this is one of the most exciting chapters in the book because there's mystery and tension whether Ir or W will get out. I would like the entire tour to consist of Ir constantly pulled unwittingly into helping W with stealing things and getting information once she does so once accidentally. TBK would definitely reuse an accidental resource like that, and it would make it easier on W (who I want to see more of). My biggest concern with this part was what exactly TBK needed from the crystal. It sounds like all he needed was the rubbings, which makes me wonder if he could just praise G enough to get a private viewing of the crystal, then memorize what he needed. Also, W does a rubbing and takes the crystal, which seems like overkill. He could do one or the other and not take as much time. I was thinking he would leave the crystal, because then it seems like nothing was taken. Or alternately, if he had to steal the crystal to get the rubbings finished, drop it somewhere and look like the robbery was unsuccessful. I guess I don't know why G is proud of having the crystal. Is it because of the rock itself, or does he know something about the markings too? We might need some more information on this. I didn't have a problem with this, but this is also a known difference between Kais and my styles. I don't mind mid-chapter breaks if done right, because they can be a mini-cliffhanger to prod you on into the next section. Notes while reading: pg 1: "stuck their tongue out" --why? pg 1: "Their flight...at the beginning of the year" --was this actually in the book? Can't remember. pg 1: "could use glamours or illusions...instead of leaning on their magic" --so wait, are glamours somehow not using the own person's magic? pg 1/2: "cauking" -> "caulking", "leveraging" -> "levering" pg 2: so iron AND silver both weaken magic? Did we know this before, or is this new? pg 2/3: "making quick rubbings", "shoving the crystal in their bag" --confused here. Does TBK need the rubbings or the crystal? If the crystal, why is W taking the time to make rubbings? If the rubbings, why couldn't TBK just arrange to see the crystal and read the markings? pg 3: "They’d never be able to drop the papers into the vase now" --first, why not? and second, did we know this part of the plan before? Likely WRS. pg 5: I like that Ir knows W now. Her helping a nice bit of proactivity that we haven't seen a lot of yet. pg 6: “To hide my scent,” --do they have dogs sniffing for them? Or is this a common precaution in a world with intelligent animals with strong senses of smell? Now I'm imagining a whole industry of perfumes to disguise your true intentions... pg 6: "most certainly stole from." --Sooo...does W still have the crystal too? If so, what do the rubbings matter? Or did he drop it somewhere so it looked like someone tried to steal it and didn't succeed? pg 8: Ir the panicked bad spy is very believable. pg 9: Why exactly does G have the crystal if his business is wine? I'm still not clear on that. pg 11: "wondered if this entire trip had been orchestrated for that tiny scroll of charms." --Again, I really hope not because I believe TBK is a lot deeper than that and would have about ten different schemes all going at once since he's leaving the palace, as well as using the actual goodwill of the tour to his advantage.

As an old reader, this was great to read and get back into things, but I do understand the concerns new readers are having. The biggest thing for me as well was the flirting between #4 and A. I though E and A were in a pretty exclusive relationship, but it sounds like E's pushing them for a poly relationship. Nothing wrong with that, but might be good to spell it out consent-wise if that's where this is going. The arc was good for me (again as an old reader). A has a pretty definite call to action that she resists until it overpowers her. It might not be as strong a call to action for new readers, however, if they don't know they aftermath of how A got there. Maybe having a little more information from S about finding a new cousin could be a bigger draw? Last, I was not at all expecting this to go in the direction of retire rather than take time off. That seemed an abrupt switch in tone from the rest of the chapter. Is this going in the direction of A and E never coming back to Ard? I wouldn't think that was really possible. Notes while reading pg 1: "did not like fungi" --lol pg 1: Weird deja vu from this discussion. I swear this same conversation happened in book 3... pg 4: "They were probably about even. She hoped." --also lol pg 7: "another hour until curfew" --is this like young people being home at a certain hour, or an actual curfew? pg 8: "Or do I just keep flirting with you outside..." --glad #4 is calling A on her crap. pg 9: "And then she took A’s hand" --I thought they were already holding hands? pg 11: “Nice tapestries though,” --and hung with such care... pg 12: "destroy the last vestiges of my fairy-tale infatuation" --I like #4. pg 15: "you tell it you are going to retire.” --Huh. Okay, I was expecting A to be persuaded to take some time off, but I was not expecting #4 to want her to retire.

Also in the "fuzzy" area with @shatteredsmooth. I'm not sure if I actually qualify yet? For Self-pub authors to join, to have to make (I believe) over $3000 on a single title and I haven't had the time to go through and see if that's happened yet.

I quite liked this! As for time period/location, I also got an Asian vibe, maybe India or Japan? Mostly from the title of Emperor and some of the customs. I was all for the MC and the Emperor having a fling, but I guess that's not happening... I don't think we even found out the gender of the MC either, unless H is a gendered name. Not that it matters a whole lot. The only thing I was a little confused on was that no one wondered why a building collapsed. My first thought was foul play of some sort, which turned out later to be true. But overall, definitely engaged in the story and I'm eager to find out what happens next! Notes while reading: pg 1: "snuggly" -> "snugly" --unless they're doing more than just sitting there.... --edit: which, reading the rest of the scene... pg 3: "looked like he was stifling a laugh" --not sure this fits in the scene? The emperor is disappointed and the commander should be upset with his charges for acting wrongly, shouldn't he? pg 6: "It was a gloomy day indeed." --was there a reason for the collapse? I thought someone was attacking at first, but everyone seems to go about their business as if collapsing buildings are the norm. pg 8: "From the roof that unexpectedly fell on him.” --Ah, so I guess it was an attack, and just failed until someone else finished him off...

Similar thoughts to the others on this. I think you may be mis-representing the story a bit with the title, so giving us a chapter, or flashback, or epigraph with a bit about how the plague started would help.

Not going into small details on this because I think @Robinski has it covered. I'll agree with the others that this is definitely the most engaging character you have. I'd much rather read a book with just this POV than including the other two. That said, as the others mentioned, it gets very infodumpy and plot-ful toward the end. Why is she forced to join these people? Why are they revolting against the gods (precisely, not just because "they're bad")? Why does she not get any say in her name? I'm glad we finally get some direction for what the heck is going on, too. I feel like we've had a bunch of Capital Names thrown at us for the last nine chapters without any real explanation. In fact, is there any reason this can't be the first chapter after the prologue (which is more accurately chapter 1)? Setting the story with an empathetic, relatable character is much more likely to keep the reader interested than starting with a superpowered character. Take down the infodumpy qualities and give the MC some agency, and I think this has some potential. Notes while reading: pg 1/2 - Lots of sentences starting with "She X," which makes the reading repetitive. Changing this up will help. pg 3/4 - Confused. I thought the humans were in the process of rescuing several people, but I guess the just got the POV character? Blocking in this section might need to be cleared up. pg 4: "She nodded. She tried following what they said with no luck" --She understands them but she can't understand them? pg 6: Sort of lost with all the Proper Name Magic, which I have been the whole time. I think this stuff needs to be shown a lot better. pg 8: "She put the syringe against her arm. “A little bit higher and to the left,”" --would you need some sort of training to be able to correctly inject this? Does it need to go into the bloodstream, or just the muscle? --Edit: I see @Sarah B has this handled. pg 9: "We’ll give one. Triple!”" --Is this a name suggestion? --Ah, I guess so. Seems pretty rushed. pg 9: "Besides, we normally give freed slaves number nicknames anyway.” --Um....yipe? I'd really reassess this. That's pretty insensitive and demeaning. pg 9: "I was just about to tell..." --ok, I guess we're going with this name? pg 12: well, we almost got some explanation for what the heck is going on in this story, but then it's cut off. Something about taking down gods, I guess? Are these supposed to be the other main characters? It would be really helpful to have some of this set up much earlier in the book. pg 13: glad someone finally asked about her name. pg 14: Aha, a little more explanation. It goes a bit toward an infodump, but all this has been sorely lacking from the story so far.