Mandamon

Overall, no real concerns with this chapter. It's a little light on progression with the plot, but two problems are solved and there's some good emotional impact between C. and S. I'd say the second chapter has a little less impact than the first. We can guess at most of what happened when the mayor took his son, so it's a little repetitive to find out about it again through C and T. The second half is better, with the fan and T's realization. pg 7: I thought the interaction with S. was really good, and showed a lot about how C is growing up. Also, of course there are more ashen items. Interesting to see where they all are. pg 7: "And it’s probably illegal." --Doesn't the mayor sort of define that in this town? pg 13: nice revelation with grandpa, but can non-ashen even enter the house? I can't remember from before.

Overall a pretty smooth chapter, but I think it did get a little tied down with all the talk about cars. I guess I'm not sure whether leaving town really is the plan, or if this is setup for something else. Didn't V fly around for about a week and not find anything? Will they get much farther with a car than (literally) as the crow flies? I feel like C is grasping at straws here, while her deduction about what to do with the town is sensible, after that the story meanders a bit into what to do. A strong ending here, either finding a driver, or starting on the trip, or something stopping them, might make a better arc. Notes while reading pg 5: Nothing so far! I'm enjoying the planning for a quest, but wondering where the story is going next. pg 7: not quite sure what is going on with V. pg 12: lots of time spent on starting cars, here. pg 13: "If the people around her would only make sense." --I feel like there are a lot of good thoughts in this chapter, but not really a complete arc.

Ok, finally reading through this. Last week was A Lot. I apologize in advance for maybe more critical remarks that usual. I think, like @C_Vallion, I bounced off of this one because of all the teen angst. That by itself would have been alright, but I think this chapter still has some disconnects. My biggest one is I don't understand why W would refuse N at this point. The whole "people you care about helping you take care of others" is a central tenet of most human culture, so this comes off to me as seeming like a plot contrivance why W and N can't be together. That added to W's constant self-doubt makes me want to shake her, just a bit. Playing up on the extreme weirdness of N having some sort of reason why he needs to be with W would be a much better angle to me for why W would want to reject him. I though the mother was going to ask for something other people wouldn't want to do, not...play D&D. (Full disclosure, I am the person who reads all the manuals). Notes while reading: Pg 1: Not really on board with the discussion on the first page. It seems very...overt. N asks what W's thinking about and it goes into this whole thing about Feeeelings of stuff that occurred last chapter. I don't think we need this quite yet. pg 1: "I’m sorry again that I couldn’t dance with you.” --also covered this. A lot. pg 1: “Don’t you remember me ignoring you..." --also not needed, I don't think. This was like five pages ago, right? pg 2: yeah...I just...don't get why W is making Drama over this. pg 2: "If we were to try a relationship" --Wasn't that what they were doing already, with the date and everything? pg 2: “With everything going on, I don’t think I can be in a relationship,” --huh? why? Because her mother has cancer? Wouldn't another person helping make that better? pg 3: "but there are factors at play I can’t talk about. Factors wouldn’t understand." --1) missing "you" 2) now it seems like N is going all creepy again like he was at the beginning. pg 3: "“I know it’s not going to work for me." --I think I mainly don't understand this because W hasn't given any reason things won't work. pg 4: "see if you can fall in love with someone prettier and nicer.” --UUuggghhhhh. W. Stop it. pg 4: “In my community, when this happens we’re expected to be close and comforting." --uh, yes. Also, you know, in all cultures. pg 6: "Going to Taekwondo becomes a chore" --again, W doesn't seem to understand human interaction. I've taught martial arts for over ten years and students routinely come when they're having problems at home as a place to de-stress. pg 6: "“We decided he can join us when I’m trying to spend time with you,” I say. “Since that’s normal for his culture after all.”" --What culture is W's family from? I feel like theirs is the strange one. pg 7: Top of the page I don't know what's going on. What decorations? what about old texts? pg 7: “I wanted to run a Dungeons and Dragons game.” --oh horrors. I don't know if your geeky teenage children would ever want to do that... /s

Yep! It will come out a little later because recording is just now starting.

Hey @Ace of Hearts, I haven't forgotten about you! Got absolutely swamped this week between work and finishing formatting for the upcoming anthology. I'll try to get to a read through tomorrow or on the weekend.

Hey folks! Just wanted to brag a bit here and show you what can happen with a dedicated writing critique group: @kais, @Robinski, @shatteredsmooth, @Silk, and I have been working on an anthology since the middle of last year and today is the cover release! The book will be going through my imprint, so I guess I'm officially a publisher now... This book is a labor of love by the five of us, and would never have been possible if we didn't have this group to put us all together and make all our drafts bleed. So without further ado, here is Distant Gardens, an anthology of lesbian-centric, inclusive stories about spaceships, fairies, fungus, tentacles, and strange plants! Available here for preorder. Official release is August 3rd: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B097F5FHKK Thanks to everyone on here, past and present. It wouldn't have been possible without you!

Good chapter, but I still thought it had some fluff to it, so glad it's already 1.5k shorter! There are a couple exchanges over movies and dress customs that drag on a bit, and I think the whole first page can pretty much be cut. Aside from that it's a good resolution to what happened last chapter. I still don't really like W as a character. She seem to self-destruct any time anything goes wrong, which I suppose is a realistic trait, but not one that's very sympathetic. I don't understand why she can't have a relationship with W and care for her mom at the same time? Aside from that, I enjoyed it, and look forward to the next installment! Notes while reading pg 2: "Ten minutes to get myself into working condition" --this whole intro section is still pretty long and disconnected. You could probably sum it up to the last line and maybe a sentence about punching and kicking pillows. pg 5: Ok, I'm not unhappy with this turn of events. N staying around even though they miss the dance gives them some good time to connect. pg 6: Although I'm not sure the discussion on dress and makeup needs to be this long... pg 9: "“Do you have something against iron?” I say." --Interesting. And now I'm wondering if N has had any problems dealing with everyday objects that may contain iron. pg 10: "If I have to swear off relationships..." --Oh my goodness this again. This is where I dislike W intensely. The self destruction as soon as something goes wrong. pg 10: "Why is he still showing me affection?" --this as well. Does W struggle with understanding affection because her parents are ace? Dealing with a sick parent would be helped by having someone else to draw strength from... pg 12: "But if I say that, my parents will tell me to pursue what makes me happy instead of worrying about mom." --Porque no los dos? Seriously, I don't understand why W can't have a boyfriend in her mother is sick.

This is better than the last version, but I have some of the same concerns as the others regarding W's self-pity and how the plot plays out. I like that we get a little more explanation for why N likes W, and that he does have some inner anger and isn't all just rainbows an sprinkles, but at this point I'm also having trouble seeing why he's still going after W. Same feeling as this. I'm just getting stuck on this part in the plot if W has spent the whole book running from N, finally opens up, and the immediately turns away again the second a similar trouble to what they'd been disusing comes up. I feel like we just got to the top of a mountain, and rather than seeing an easier slope down the other side, we now have another mountain to climb up. Might be good to submit the next chapter instead or reworking this one again. I'm interested to see how the two navigate this and how it plays into the larger plot. Notes while reading: pg 2: "The fact that the doctors have no idea what’s going on" --interested to see what it is this time instead of cancer... pg 5: Glad to see N has a dark side as well. Although W is really pressing hard. pg 6: "she and my mom" --oh, I think I missed this before. Is one "mom" and one "mama?" pg 8: "And the doctors supposedly don’t know what’s causing any of it." --Ah, so this is what W's parents are telling her. That's...a really bad lie.

I like that we're starting to fill in the gaps here, and the kids are beginning to come to a plan. I'm eager to see how it turns out. I think overall this chapter is good, but like @C_Vallion says, there is a bit of repetition and it could be trimmed a bit to make it more streamlined. One of the main questions I want to see answered soon is the why. We now know how the stove works, but we still don't know why the town is continuing like it is and whether other attempts have been made to stop it .We get some good hints, but nothing yet. Still very interested in the story--this is one of the more original concepts I've seen in a while! Notes while reading: pg 1: Good to see some of the behind the scenes in the mayor's POV pg 1: "She must not be allowed to stop until she is truly ugly." --interesting. So there are degrees to which one can give up the intended sacrifice? pg 2: "keeping the cursed land from creeping forward" --so I guessed this is what the stove was doing, but I'm still not sure how sacrifices keep a certain amount of land from dying or becoming cursed. Does the stove metaphorically "heat" it or something? pg 2: "Soon, there will be no fresh people" --I've been wondering about this the whole time. I wonder how long this has been going on. pg 3: E's sacrifice could turn out to be something really big... pg 8: Aha, that's where V. went. pg 9: Is V in bird or human shape here? I can't picture how they're talking. pg 10: “I don’t understand about this rhythm dance energy thing,” --you and me both, E. pg 13: I think there's a slight disconnect here that no one asks HOW burning things keeps the town alive. There's no visible change except to the person afterwards. pg 15: “And they should have made me burn my spite.” --Ha! GM is a great character. pg 18: Aha. That explains where V comes from. pg 18: Good hook for the next chapter!

I thought this was a really good followup to the last couple chapters. We get C, GM, and T's reactions to the changes. V's disappearance is ominous. I was a little surprised everyone knew about him, but I think that makes sense from everything to this point. Also had this question. Agree with @C_Vallion that the argument can be trimmed. I think GM overplays her hand a bit where she keeps trying to manipulate C even though C already called her bluff. Makes it seem like she's not actually that good at manipulation after all, but we know she is. Looking forward to where this goes next! Notes while reading: pg 2: good reaction to the events from the last couple chapters. pg 4: "That green boy took years to show up." --what now? I thought C made him? Or was he from T's parents? Might just be WRS on my part. pg 7: "Also, I live in this house now.” --well, that's standard GM! Although I don't think T or her grandfather would really object. pg 7: "I need to be the monster." --very nice. Shows an interesting progression for GM pg 8: "when the room stops tilting?” --why is this? pg 9: "I win games that you don’t realise you’re playing. I’m good at it, and you’re not.” “I’m getting the phone.” --for all GM says she's manipulative, and she is to some extent, why is she saying this when C has already threatened to cal Gm's parents? She's not helping her case. pg 10: "stumbling down the cracked driveway" --what is wrong with GM? I thought she burned her beauty, not her sense of balance.

I really liked this, and didn't have a lot of comments while reading. There were two main parts that I had a little bit of an issue with, similar to @C_Vallion above: 1) There was no backstory or anything to address who the recipient of the letter was or why the MC was writing it. Had something changed in her life to write this story now? The ending suggests she's lived many years after the story's setting, so I wonder what is changing 2) I want a little more emotion from the MC as she tells her tale. In the action is very poignant and moving, but then we don't get a lot of resolution for how it affects the character. I think this ties in to the issues @C_Vallion brings up with the suicide aspect. The MC never really deals with that part, and doesn't pause on the greater affect it had on her life. She just keeps moving farther into the yokai realm. The end gives a little more description of how this affected her life, but even though she said it's not something that would "heal" her, it's not clear what effect it actually had. More just an acknowledgement that she had an inspirational moment. All in all, I really liked this. It drew me in and didn't seem as long as it was while reading. Very nice story! Notes while reading: pg 6-8: the imperfect English mostly disappears when the MC is speaking with the owner of the yokai establishment. It threw me out a little because this is in an epistolary format, so I was expecting it to also be transcribed imperfectly. pg 9-11: the pace drops some in this section, and I think there's probably some explanation that can be cut down to make this flow better. pg 13: I really like the revelation with the mountain yokai, but because of the way this is told, it sort of sucks the emotion out of the moment. I would have liked a little more revelation after this encounter but it mainly just describes the physical and monetary effects. pg 18: the theme of acceptance is really good in this story, and I like that it does get turned back on the MC as a "final confrontation."

I can definitely tell this is the halfway point. This almost feels like the beginning of an epic fantasy, vs. the MG/YA feeling to the first half. There's a lot of tension in the first chapter, and I feel not as much in the second. I think it's because T is really in danger of losing something, but it doesn't feel that way for C. Yes, she'll get stuck in the house, but I think if you really play up that she CAN'T survive there and will waste away, or whatever, with just the void for company. That might help. Lots of answers here, and it's frankly a relief. We're changing from "the monster in the shadows" in the first half to "chasing the monster" in the second so we get to see behind the curtain. I think you might be able to make it better by sprinkling just a few more hints in the first half about what's happening so the smartest readers might figure it out and the other readers really get a sense of "surprising yet inevitable" when they get to this part. I liked the reveal with burning "edges," for example. More like that would help. Looking forward to the second half! Notes while reading: pg 1: "The past generations’ contributions have already been consumed, and are of no further help. " --I would think it would be greatly helpful to see what past contributions changed into. pg 2: "and were left with some vital part of themselves missing. T can’t afford to do that. " --Sounds like the stove needs something important or vital to burn... pg 2: "who picked ‘edges’" --well that explains that... pg 4: "or protest the loss of the records" --oh, she's BURNING the records. I did not get that before. pg 4: "She will not be able to connect the dots" --oh wow that's a terrible choice. pg 5: "old people who were falling apart from the inside out," --Are there any of the grandparent-generation still in the town? All the children have parents, but I haven't seen grandparents. Makes me wonder if they die off early. pg 6: "The creations that come from the Wood Stove" --so he's saying C was created by the stove and not born? --Ah yes. clarified later. pg 7: “T’s parents!” --I really don't remember anything happening to T's parents in the story. Also, that answers my question about grandparents. I forgot T lived with hers. pg 8: "He could take what he wanted, do as he pleased" --yes, the people are all missing something they burned, but I wouldn't say they're helpless. An ashen could be overpowered... pg 9: "A third person wouldn’t be able to get in." --eh? Why not? Seems very authorial. pg 11: void garden is cool. Ah. But cursed.

I had a lot of confusion through this chapter, I think because some of the terms haven't really been defined yet. I think you could definitely cut a lot of this and get the meaning across clearer. The wrangling with O and the doctor can be cut down to essentials to get to the rest of the chapter. I also don't really know what's happening between pages 7 and 12, with activating the mirror. Things get really trippy, but I thought going through the void was switching planes, not the mirror, so I got confused. The interaction between A and O could also be cut down. It's a great "what if," but I think exiting the scene sooner will help it be more poignant and get across just the plot information you need to. Overall, at this point in the story I'm unclear on: 1) plane vs. void vs mirror. 2) what the birds actually control (planes? planes and time?) and which universe they're from. Notes while reading: pg 1: oh, that's much better than a tadpole... pg 4: "You’re just going to loiter in the lobby." --I love the interchange between the two, but I'm starting to get a little lost on what's happening. Because the doctor is feeding little bits of information at a time, I can't really understand the whole picture. O was going to the void, but then isn't actually going through. Won't that be suspicious? pg 5: "Loitering can get a being shot" --didn't they specifically say TO loiter in the lobby? pg 5: "Maybe she’d linger just a little" --I thought she wasn't going through? Confused. pg 6: okay, so O went through the void. Was she in this plane or the new one to start with? I feel like she was in the original plane is going through to the place where S and co ended up. pg 7: "Activate mirror? the words read." --also not sure what the mirror is. She went through a portal between planes, right? So what does the mirror do? pg 9: "Step three." --okay, very very confused as to what's happening and where O went. pg 10: "Voids. Mirrors. She must have entered by mistake" --still not sure what happened and what the difference is. Is she dreaming? pg 11: I love the names for the birds. Please keep them. pg 11: "incase" --not sure what this means. Encase? With what? pg 12: I'm not sure how she overheard the birds? Nor am I sure where she is. pg 12 : "There had to be rules about interacting with someone in a mirror plane." --but where is she? pg 14: "opting to look back at the birds above" --wait, the birds are above her? On the planet? Very confused. pg 14: "just reported a temporal breach." --now we're throwing time travel in with a mirror and a void? pg 16: Still love the bird names. pg 17: "I don’t have a brother." --huh, that's weird. But also explains why she's here! pg 19: "it puked half of it back out and destroyed most of the system" --seems like they should have run a few more analyses first. pg 22: "At least her neck had stopped itching when the timer ran out." --I guess that's part of the transfer? pg 22: "Scratched the back of her neck for good measure," --okay, what IS going on with that? pg 24: good ending!

This chapter has some great revelations I've been waiting for since the beginning of the book. As I said below, I think shortening up some of the earlier chapters, as well as the beginning of this one, will get us to this essential spot sooner. I'm really eager to see what's in the house, but as @kais says, maybe give a hint of what's in the house to make us keep reading. I like that GM and C are mostly working together for a common cause now, and that we've discovered the motivations for what's been going on with GM. I'm hoping there will be more of them playing off each other. Notes while reading: pg 1: "to find a good hiding place" --ah. I was confused what she was prepping for. pg 4: "The folds of his skin drip with oil" --ick! pg 4: "… daughter" --is this saying C is not their daughter? pg 4: "the creation of the green bird" --okay, so everyone is aware of V. I was wondering about that. pg 5: "No. Do you?” --Yeah, I thought this question was weird, as there are horrible repercussions threatened, but there seems to be no precedent. pg 7: “Her beauty,” --huh, Okay, this is a welcome explanation. pg 7: "It is that energy that keeps the town of C going." --ahhh...I've been waiting ten chapters for this. pg 8: "the late Claimjumpers," --what now? Isn't this T's parents? Did we hear about this? pg 10: Very nice ending. The last couple chapters have been very engaging. I wonder if the first few chapters can be cut down a bit to get to this point sooner?

I think especially since W's gone through it before (as I recall), the symptoms are pretty clear. She should at least suspect. It's pretty hard to hide the tiredness and look that comes from going through radiation therapy.

I really liked this chapter, and didn't make many notes. (I was also riding back in a car from the con this weekend, so...) I thought all of this was needed information to get us into the other plane. It's very strange and I have a lot more questions, but looking forward to getting them answered. Generally, I was engaged as I read because there was always another thing popping up to give information. Notes while reading: pg 3: "Being here, having traveled so far, so fast..." --This is definitely WRS, but I don't remember what S knows about Prit and it's fate. pg 3: "Where were the space pirates?" --Where there space pirates? I guess what I can't remember is the original inciting incident that made S come here. pg 7: "per Apo guidelines." --like, they put planets in orbit around stars? --okay, evidently yes. pg 9: "It sounded like you requested..." --Lol pg 11: "the free tourist guide" --Why are they not taking the thing that gives them information about what they've been asking about? I assume there would be some history in the tourist guide. Overall, good discovery chapter. Lots of new information, so not a lot to comment on.

I'm late, but I have notes! Similar thoughts to the others. It would help to have a more consistent throughline with this chapter in terms of what they think about the date. The first few pages are not very engaging to me, but I am interested in N and W together. Two big issues for me are 1) the family here seems very distant from each other and very awkward around each other. Before they've been described as close, or at least W has good moments with them. 2) I don't see any way W doesn't know about her mom's sickness. In fact, I was blindsided because I just assumed she already knew. Having the parents keep that from her seems really stupid, especially from two scientists. It also looks like now W is not going to the prom with N? I was really looking forward to that, so I'm wondering what will happen next. pg 2: The conversation about being able to but new stuff is a bit strange. Like, the mother and W are sort of apologetic about even having the conversation? I'm not sure it adds much. pg 2: "Besides, watching his face light up..." --Didn't N say he was bringing sweets anyway? I'm not sure why she's surprised. --Also, baklava are usually not that big, so trying to cut or break it in half seems a little silly. pg 3: I thought this section was going somewhere else. It's just the reception of the pastries and that's it. Is there something else to further the story here? pg 4: "I hope N can at least play along" --has he given any indication of not validating her appearance? I know teenagers any everything, but this seems not to have a cause. pg 5: "I have some choice words for his mom" --but she doesn't know what baklava or a bear claw is? pg 6: All this negotiating about how everyone will position themselves around N and W is a bit awkward and uncomfortable to me. It seems very "no you go first" in its tone and also seems formal and standoffish, like these people are less a family and more individuals that happen to live in the same place. Also, it takes away from the tension of the first date. pg 7: and then there's almost a philosophical discussion about whether food, alcohol, or boys are better? This is kind of strange and off topic. pg 7: "You had better not say whatever mascot glitter companies use" --not sure what this means. pg 9: "Like I said, I’m not assuming you’ll want a relationship after this." --wait, I thought they were going to prom together now? The back and forth with this chapter is a bit of whiplash. pg 10: The discussion of who will pay for the meal is also sort of awkward. pg 11: "I’m only able to reach her that deeply once or twice a year at most" --I think this is what's hitting me as off in this chapter. Everyone except N seems so disconnected from each other. pg 13: "the answer to the questions about my mom’s illness..." --The part about N smelling...cancer, I suppose...is cool but now I'm lost on what's going on. W knows that her mom is sick...does she not know with what? I don't understand what's being hidden. pg 14: "you’re already going through radiation therapy" --oh, wait, she doesn't know that? How? Like, I can tell that just by the description of the mother. pg 15: Very confused at the end of this chapter. I thought W already knew what was going on with her mom. I was also looking forward to N and W actually doing some dating, but the whole chapter is sort of a weird dance around a date, without actually having one.

I was also more engaged in these chapters. The change in the conversation from Ch 8 is much better, and I'm glad we just flat out get the stove's powers. That help set the tone for the next act. I sort of felt this too. Getting sent out of the town is really not an option. They simply don't have enough population to sacrifice a child. If there was a better reason for "you can't know" even though all the other kids do, that might be more satisfying. Ditto. I made a note about it below. I feel like GM has sort of been defeated already. I don't get much of a sense of threat from her anymore. The most dangerous adversary is now the stove, not GM. Notes while reading: pg 1: "“This jumper is a metaphor, isn’t it?” --lol pg 1: "you wouldn’t be able to live here in town with the rest of us" --I don't know if this works. C punctures it immediately. Maybe something a little harder to see through? pg 2: Okay, here is a nice, clear statement of the stove's powers. pg 2: "It can’t burn its own ashes." --hadn't even thought of that, but I guess it means they can't get rid of the stove. pg 3: “The Mayor will explain that. I’m sure he’ll be in contact, after the meeting." --wait, he is calling a meeting? Was he not lying? If so, that makes no sense. All the other kids already know about it. pg 5: "You won’t ever have to worry about this stuff,” --so C isn't supposed to find out? This is going back to there only being four kids in town. This population isn't sustainable, so I'm not sure why they're keeping C from knowing things. pg 6: All this talking between V and C: 1) Does the teacher not notice it? 2) what do all the other people in the room think of a talking bird? pg 8: I'm still not sure what's going on with the description of C's nervous energy. Also I think the choice can be a lot clearer and stated earlier in the chapter. C can only be in one place. That's the driving force now. Show how she's thinking about it!

I agree with the others that this does fix a lot of the last chapter. It's not terrible as it is, where this is a bunch of sequels to last chapter's scene. As for combining, I think moving this epigraph to the previous chapter will help flesh B out enough to let the reader wait for more information. We still need a lot of the revelation that came about how things work here in the last chapter, and the conversation between the two here is really good. You could potentially cut a lot of the shopping in this chapter and the waking up in the last chapter to recombine them into one, but I think you might miss some things. I also think B needs to be present last chapter because these two are about the relationship developing. There's simply a lot here that the old readers need to be reminded of and the new readers need to learn, plus more information that's new to everyone. If you can hang a lantern on :"I'll explain this all in a bit" with things like the epigraph in Ch 10, that might help. Notes while reading: Pg 1: Oh, lol. This is from B's POV. Great to see what she things of O. Also glad to see she does have some ulterior motive with the scrap. pg 2: "an hour post-surgery." --huh. Thought it was longer than that. pg 2: "they pulled a thin biofilm sticker from their other pocket" --the hologram pulled a physical sticker from their pocket? pg 3: "To go shopping." --this is both a very specific and vague mission she's on. I'm wondering who's following/watching her. pg 5: "watched the chair promptly go limp in her hands, feathers shedding into a sad puddle" --had to read this a couple times to figure out what this was. It's an inflatable feather chair? pg 6: "There was clearly no escaping the fungi" --this seems on-brand. pg 6: "Any unprotected cellulose just gets pulled to the Void." --okay, glad to get an explanation for that. I was wondering. pg 7: "Fresh of the grill!" --"off" pg 7: "but you’re especially perfect for Y. I wasn’t thinking about the rebels when I took you to the doctor." --Hopefully this will get unpacked at some point. Right now I don't really understand it. pg 9: Good conversation between the two. pg 11: Some good background here that grounds B as a character. This makes their paring work a lot better, I thought.

I thought this was one of your better chapters so far. There are some interesting characterizations and C is finally learning how to deal with GM. That said, I'm still frustrated by the lack of movement on the deal with the stove. I was hoping C would figure something out from her plan to get into the plane, but nothing really happened. Even if she started to discover something, but then was interrupted by GM, that would be better. She does realize it's maybe from the stove, but that's not really surprising at this point. A little confusion as well on how well C has GM figured out now, when she was completely clueless a chapter or so ago. It's a quick transition. Notes while reading: pg 1: "If there’s been some kind of misunderstanding, why can’t you just explain that you want to be friends again?” --Yeah, that's sort of my thought in all this. Why not just sit down with T and go over everything? pg 2: "for that sort of thing" --what is E expecting to do? pg 3: "they will be the first of the current generation of kids to go on a date" --How old are these kids? I was thinking like 12 or so. Also, it's not like there's a big pool to choose from. Someone's going to have to go with someone else eventually... pg 4: "the ‘date’ will be an unmitigated disaster..." --there are a lot of assumptions in here. Also, I'm not sure what GM's POV really adds yet. pg 5: hmmm...yeah, I'm not sure what all this planning on GM's part is doing. pg 5: "trespassing on the Claimjumpers’ property" --lol. The last names in this are great. pg 6: "edges of exercise books, familiar energy tingling through them, wanting to tap out excited rhythms" --do what now? pg 8: "Even when you think she couldn’t possibly do anything bad to you, she finds some way to ruin your whole day." --so this is in direct opposition to what I've remarked on in earlier chapters that C seems overly optimistic about GM's friendship. Why does she now understand how manipulative GM is? pg 8: "How could C have fallen for it so easily?" --okay, so was the previous comment about how C has finally understood GM? It sounded like she'e been aware of it for a while, but this paragraph makes it seem like a new thing. pg 9: "when they have a sudden surge of energy but not enough sleep to prop it up." --Having a hard time visualizing this. pg 10: “I want you to stop being involved!" --again, I'd find this more believable if there were more than five kids in this town. pg 11: Nice moment of victory at the end, but I would have liked C to actually learn something from the plane. I'm getting tired of waiting to find out more about the wood stove.

Overall, I think this is an improvement. The dialogue in the first section seems a bit forced in places, with characters telling us their emotions rather than showing them, but I do like that we get a reason for W to separate from the "cool girls." However it could probably be cut down a bit. The second chapter is much better, and I really like the growing attraction between the two. A couple things I noticed: 1) like @kais said, it's about time to get some more details about the flower. We get some here, but only the barest hints. I'm ready for a little more plot and less drama. 2) Connected to the above, I think the longer we have "gooey" N with no explanation to his background, the more two-dimensional he gets. He accepts every fault from W and comes back with a happy word. Except for one thing were he can't tell about the magic, he does whatever W wants. I want to know a little more about his background to show that he has a deeper side as well and it's just devoting his whole life to going after W. Notes while reading: pg 1-3: This discussion is better than talking about tables last time, but it still seems very "after-school special," with W making sure she clearly states all the questions. pg 3: "I know that dodging your question back at lunch was wrong." --same sort of thing here. Seems like the characters are stating their emotions to make sure the reader understands. Most of this conversation reads the same way. pg 7-9: the discussion with N is a lot more natural-sounding. pg 12: "the flowers are powered by love," --uh oh! Cue Huey Lewis... pg 13: “Things you might call miracles. I believe in the stories because I’ve seen them in action. And they’re affecting me right now.” --glad we're getting some more tidbits about the plot! pg 14: "You know who you are and you’re not afraid to show it..." --This is a great paragraph. pg 16: "You’d fit well with my people.” --another good hint, but it leaves me wanting more! pg 17: Good chapter and I think the expansion into two here works. N is still a bit...Magoo...but he's consistent. I'm still waiting for the other shoe to drop, but he has hinted at problems in his society, so maybe that will give his character another angle when it comes up.

Folks, if you haven't noticed yet, I'm stepping back a bit from critiques, as they're starting to get in the way of other activities. Looked back at my notes and I've provided feedback on almost all critiques since 2012! However, I think we've got a good crop of writers here currently, so I don't feel bad about doing so. I'm going to try to get to 2 or maybe 3 critiques a week from now on.

Similar thoughts to the others. I think this is a good chapter and gets us all caught up to where PLOT! will start to happen between all the characters. I also got the sense B was weirdly helpful, but then, she had been the whole time. I could chalk it up to just liking O, or looking out for her, but it is definitely making me pause to think. Same thing with O insisting on taking the job at the end. I don't think the reasons are completely clear aside from her needing some space to think, but it comes across as moving the character to a certain place so shenanigans can happen. Note while reading: pg 2: "She spun around, bowed, then sat back on the bed" --not sure why she's doing this? pg 2: "I just…should I call them back? After they hung up?" --ever the question... pg 3: "bit into her lower lip" --this sounds like she's drawing blood pg 3: "didn’t have sheer" --"didn’t have to shear?" pg 4: “I don’t think I believe you. Why are you helping me?” --glad O is finally stating this out loud. pg 5: "We’ve not worshipped..." --I was trying to figure out what question O asked. It's not that clear. pg 5: "materialized on the biobed" --I really want this doctor to look like Robert Picardo... pg 7: "You will arrive in one piece almost certainly" --lol pg 8: "You think the pull..." -Aha, some juicy plot bits! pg 8: "Maybe this was just the first try-fail cycle" --meta... pg 9: "One of these days she was going to have to get clarification on the ‘planes.’" --Yeah, I'm wanting that too. Even with hanging a lantern on it here, it has been ten chapters. pg 10: “I did try to warn you!” --O gives some reasons for not wanting to immediately go with B, and I guess they are reasonable, but I still get the feeling this is all very plotful to keep her from getting to Ard before things happen.

1) I don't think this chapter really pushes the plot along enough. There's also the dangling plot thread of the plane, which we still haven't gotten back to. The whole homework bit is not particularly interesting. 2) Such as they are, I guess? I didn't see a lot of progression for either one's arc. 3) I think it's too easy, and not satisfying enough. All the information is what the reader (or C) has already guessed at. We know the stove turns things into other things. At this point I'm more interested if the adults' weird effects are from the stove, how, and WHY the stove is such a big part of the town. The mechanics aren't that interesting without meaning. Notes while reading: pg 1: I think Mrs. F secretly wants to be a poet. pg 2: I feel like C might have been vaguely interested about the condition of the dog she just gave up? Why does she just brush E off? pg 3: "This is getting silly.” --V is in the school library? Does he come to class with her? pg 3: "full marks" --I'm also not sure why C is back on getting full marks when she knows GM was lying? pg 5: "It never mattered what marks she was getting." --I thought she already figured this out? pg 6: I'm not sure we need the interlude with the dog... pg 9: I'm a little frustrated by the reveal of the wood stove. I think this is all stuff we've guessed at already, so I was looking for a little more content. pg 10: "another link between the curse and the Wood Stove," --okay, yes, I don't think we've been told the stove is specifically at the center of the town, but it's something we could easily guess.

Agree with the others that this chapter is probably necessary, but not that engaging. Having read the previous books, it's nice to jump back into A's life, and the fungus are great as always. I also really liked A's reaction to O. which is what I wanted last chapter. E is...not as engaging as I wanted this chapter. She's mostly just trying to get A to come to bed, which, fine, but I think in the larger context of the plot seems superficial at this point. There's a lot of rehash here, and I think even more for someone who's read the previous books. Maybe this could be cut down to a little fungus negotiation, one or lines from E about sex, and then A's reaction to the news? I feel like that last part is the only really relevant plot point. Notes while reading: pg 1: "She tapped twice" --nnoooooooo... pg 2: "I can grow a fruit for you if you’d like?” --oh ugh. pg 4: "(she’d been on the stairs a lot today and brown was not the only color staining her robe)" --Not sure what this means. She missed a bathroom break? She's bleeding? pg 8: I'm wondering if all this explanation is needed to bring the reader in? I can't remember if there is an A/E chapter before this or if this is their first real introduction. If the latter, then it's probably necessary, but it seems like a lot of this is rehash of talking about Ard and Prit. They're trying to find the ship but we already know what happened to it. pg 15: Good. This is the reaction I was looking for last chapter from A's POV. I feel like there's still a lot of the characters learning what the reader already knows in this chapter. pg 16: "First, we’re going to go have sex." --lol.