Mandamon

I'd love a spot next week for the first half of chapter 4, in which Things Will Happen.

Similar thoughts to @kais on this. We're told a lot about the plot, but there's nothing really happening to move it forward. Figuring out where things start is a really good idea. There have been a lot of mentions of N getting killed, and it seem like that's a pivotal point we never see (which could be a prologue). After that...I'm not really sure what the aim is. How important is the red angel vs. the plot to ??? the ruler (I'm still not sure if it's to depose or to kill him). Not really. I'm less connected with them after this chapter because part of it sounds like they're just getting to know each other, when they're siblings and have been around each other their whole lives. There's not a strong line of what holds them together. Z resents S being loved more, and S is sort of ambivalent to her? They're not thrown together, they choose to be, which makes me wonder why they bother if they don't have a lot in common. What is the plot thread that meas they have to work together? That would be a good place to start. Notes while reading: pg 1: The first sentence is pretty long. I had to read it a few times. pg 1: Have we met N before? I'm not sure who he is what his condition is. --edit: this is 5 years before. Got it. pg 1: "She wanted to reject him just to see that smug grin drop off his face..." --oh, wait, this is in N's POV isn't it. I'm not sure how connected I am to S and Z yet, let alone a third POV. pg 2: "I’m not trying to make you miserable, Z.” --I don't understand enough of the connections yet. I thought Z and S had a decent relationship? pg 2: "As the days passed, she..." --this reads like a POV switch in this paragraph. pg 2: "I always wanted to learn how to draw..." --they're all siblings, right? Don't they know each other very well? pg 3: "They all shared a laugh at how different they all looked" --same thing here. This is very expository I'm not sure how much the "5 years previous" adds. It's sort of confusing me right now as to why the information can't be included in the rest of the text. pg 4: "Your lover knows too much.” --A lot of this seems very out in the open for some sort of plot against the royalty. pg 5: "this ‘Spark’ of yours" --I'm not sure I understand the plot they're talking about and who's doing what. pg 6: “Please stop shouting, Z. We don’t want people to watch.” --yeah, they're not very good at this whole "secret plan" thing. pg 7: "his condition" --Can this just be said rather than dancing around it? pg 8: "and N followed her five minutes later." --Ooooooh. they're twins. This would have been useful information earlier. pg 9: the whole ordering food thing is not really pertinent to the rest of the conversation. I'm sort of struggling with what this chapter is conveying. pg 10: Also not sure how necessary the discussion about sexuality and procreating is. It's fine for character description, but I'm not sure what it adds here. pg 12: "Z realized that she knew next to nothing about D" --what, just now? How long have they been working together? pg 13: The goals of this chapter still seem pretty vague. They were talking about overthrowing the government, but that seems to be dependent on why N died? I'm not sure of the connection. pg 14: I'm not really sure what this chapter has added. Is anyone closer to their goal? We were told a lot about the siblings, but I'm not sure how it adds to the story. We already knew about the investigation and the rebellion, and there isn't really any new information on that either.

That's to be expected. I probably need to cut it down a bit. But it does seem to have done what it was supposed to! Great! Sure, "they" is probably right. This is actually one reason I'm using only passive tense in these sections. I can completely avoid referring to "a being" at all and leave what exactly this consciousness is amorphous. Is it the accumulation of all the parts? Is there a separate consciousness? I want it to be a completely foreign type of existence. Poor D... ;-( Nice! Thanks @shatteredsmooth

An interesting first chapter! I have some similar comments to @kais. It's good a lot of interesting hooks, but I think some things are revealed too early. I think it's fine through most of the chapter as long as the first time "they/them" is used, it's absolutely clear. Where A is introduced, the pronoun could also be referring to the school, so it's a little confusing. Exactly the same response to this but I couldn't quite figure out what was wrong. I think Kais nails it. Also agree. This is the other big thing I saw as well. There are several sections with large "tells" in the them rather than "shows," especially when describing people. That combined with completely revealing A's identity robs some tension for me. I'd also prefer the reveal to be in Ch 2 or 3, where we have a picture built up of the Chosen One vs. Al. Again, I think it's a good start and restructuring will help. I am left wondering a bit where the book is going after the first chapter. It's titled "community magic" but it's focusing on the burnt out chosen one. Both are good stories, but I don't think they're the same ones. Right now I'm more interested in the community of students because they all seem really interested (especially J) and finding out how they relate to A as a teacher. I'm not as interested in A suddenly being revealed for what they are under the illusion. Getting to know them for a few chapters before that reveal would help, I think. Notes while reading: pg 1: I like the opening! Reminds me of The Magicians. pg 1: first pronoun for Al is a little confusing as it could be referencing "the schools" pg 2: "decidedly not looking at the mural" --okay, but we're not given any indication of why not. pg 2: "their fallen books." --Did they fall when A tripped? pg 3: there's a lot of references to different types of neurodiversity in a couple pages. Not saying it's bad, but it took me a bit to note that several (?) students and A all had various things noted. pg 3: "maintain the illusion" --An interesting conflict! pg 3: "And with the way their magic reacts to violence when it’s directed at them" --should be in past tense? pg 4: "That the celebrity mage" --okay, glad we got a hint here. The scale was escalating with everything else, making me wonder why A wouldn't risk it. This makes it clearer. pg 5: "senators have been voting in unusual ways and are being very elusive about it in interviews. Even my father is acting strange.” --that...seems very plotful. Like a big neon signed painted at "here's the baddy." Can it be a bit more subtle? pg 5: "hurting people with their magic" --maybe a hint of why at this point? Is magic very destructive? pg 5: "D was eighteen..." --there's a lot of telling in this paragraph and I think some of it has already been shown in places. pg 6: "small magics they could do" --again, a lot of telling here. Could just say they couldn't risk using magic and show it when something bad happens. pg 6: also, a bit long on the intro here and getting into class. pg 6: "the mural" --here we get some explanation, but having A originally not look at it in...fear/disgust/apprehension/etc would help. pg 7: Uh...A's name change doesn't seem that large, if I'm inferring things correctly. pg 8: Great anxiety descriptions in here. pg 9: "ridiculously over powered burnt-out former teenage chosen one" --again, maybe too much on the telling side. Now I'm wondering what the hook is for the book if we already know why A is hiding. pg 10: "MUPs" --maybe don't need this worldbuilding yet? Maybe in the next chapter? pg 12: "Rumor had it not even the harshest potions could damage it." --Lol. It's the best Gloss! pg 13: “Not a deadname,” --ok, glad they said that, because I was going to.

Thanks @Silk! This is the probe that was sent to the planet last chapter. I can add a reminder. Cool. Glad this worked. It's been about a week. Can clarify. Sounds like I need to add some to this. Basically, any of the targets should be a possibility for landing, so behind the scenes things get done as the ship comes into system. Part of this is also that The People In Charge (Admin) said they're landing, so they're landing. Inept leadership FTW! correct. in suspended animation for 400 years! Good points on this. I can clean it up.

Thanks @kais At least we seem to enjoy reading each other's stuff. I just left you feedback on yours, not that there was much. Good point. This is a great place to expand on Admin/Gen relationships. Noted! There will be some places in a few chapters where I'll need some expertise and error checking...

Well apologies in advance for writing something well enough I really don't have any critiques! A few typos here and there, but I love the arc, Y is an amazing character, and also I need to read the next chapter now. You can see my slow love of Y building through my notes. (Also if your agent doesn't green light it, you know what to do...) For a sexcapade book, there's a surprising amount of cool information in this! It really keeps it grounded (somehow) against all the absolute ridiculousness. I'm am fully on board for the investigation. Notes while reading: pg 1: D's methods of dealing with Y are hilarious. pg 1: "She may never be able to be around true African mahogany again" --I feel like, in the grand scheme of things, this destiny is not as bad as some. pg 2: "the grandmother knew the wood was toxic" --okay, that's amazing. pg 3: "Former roommates turned potential stalker did have a few benefits, maybe." --this is a great way of making Y tolerable. Turn the "proactive" and "competent" sliders way up even though the "empathic" one is at 0. pg 4: "wore for her job at Jiffy Lube" --well, with some prior knowledge, this is an unnerving piece of foreshadowing... pg 4: "Thanks for letting me tag along. I needed a pickup. House number?” --stop making me care about Y! pg 5: “Onward dildo soldiers!” --LOL pg 6: "“New. I have been forgetting to cancel my subscription." --*blinks* pg 8: "luxurious feel and unexpectedly pleasant alopathic effects" --errr... pg 9: "thought her very gay grandson could do with a more masculine partner" --oh, well that's nasty. pg 10: “What’s in Peoria?” --from experience, Caterpillar and absolutely nothing. pg 11: “You’re very defensive for someone who didn’t blow up a quick lube facility,” --wonderful. pg 14: "and pretended to write on what D assumed to be pretend paper." --*blinks* (you got two this chapter...don't push it...) pg 16: “And that’s why I now follow every case and every person you work with. You’re welcome.” --okay, so I now think Y is actually necessary for D.

This is all of chapter 3, slightly over the limit. I'll have to divide up the rest of the chapters into sections. I'm guessing the first section of this needs to be cut down a bit, but I just love all the political machinations! Anyway, let me know what you thing, and as usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc.

Thanks @Ace of Hearts! You've picked up on some important point that will be themes through the book (or really, trilogy, since this will be three books) so I'm glad they're coming across. I think you're asking the right questions at this point! I think some of this reaction is from not reading a lot of Sci Fi. I grew up with old pulp hard scifi novels from Larry Niven, David Pournelle, Arthur C. Clarke, and Isaac Asimov, which is where a lot of this setting comes from, however I like to think I've updated it with a lot more character focus, which is a more recent trend in scifi. Anyway, please let me know what you think as we get a few more chapters in. This was basically exactly my reaction I'll be adjusting this a bit. Yeah, he's basically for the reader to geek out with about the weird biology, so if that's not what you're here for, you probably won't like his POV. This will be a big thing going forward! This is one place where I wonder if I haven't done enough in the story, but also as I'm outlining book 2, more elements are coming in. Let me know if the setup gets clearer in the next chapter. I'd love more feedback on if this is working well, in the next chapters. Thanks again!

Yes.

Thanks @C_Vallion! Sounds like this chapter is working pretty well. I'm going to make some changes to the end so the fight doesn't happen quite as quickly. On the names, I wanted to show that there were changes, but not make people think about it too much. They probably would have drifted a bit more, in reality, but this gives a readers a nudge to say "time has passed" while not requiring a lot of thought.

Reading Excuses is a great place to get feedback and direction on how to become a better writer. One of the best ways to do this is show someone else your work and say, "What's wrong with this?"

I'd also like to submit chapter 3 next Monday! I'll have to break up the other chapters, but this one is 5300 words, so just a little over. Anyone mind if I submit the whole thing?

Thanks to @shatteredsmooth and @Sarah B! I think I need to adjust this a bit. Sounds like it's not landing quite right. Cool. There's only one other POV that will be coming up in a couple chapters, so if these make sense to you, it should be good through the book. Need to adjust this part, then. It was a late addition to give some more explanation to the V's abilities, but sounds like I need to flesh it out some more. I hope it works, then! There's some explanation and some "future scifi" explanations, but hopefully the whole seems believable. Thanks again!

Similar thoughts to @kais on this one. Not a lot happened. 1. I wasn't really engaged with this chapter. Not a lot was happening, and there weren't enough emotions. 2. Not much really happened here. I don't think this progressed the plot or the characters. 3. There's not enough emotion in this chapter to connect. I'm feeling more distant from S than I was in the first chapter. 4. I think you can edit out the first 5 or so pages and have them discuss a pared down version AS they explore the ruins. Notes while reading: pg 1: Not a whole lot going on yet. I can't remember what S's goal is--just to help the refugees? pg 2: "Their homes...are still going to be destroyed.” --Why will their homes be destroyed? I feel like we're hearing all of the parts around the main issue here. What's the conflict? We're told these words affect the characters, but I don't know why. pg 3: Three pages in and they've talked about a lot of things that already happened, but nothing has actually happened in this chapter yet. There's no sign of an arc here yet. pg 4: We're also told a lot about the feelings through the empathic link, and this almost seems like a crutch with describing emotions. We're told what D feels, but I want to see it. And S is standing right there, so should also be able to see it. pg 5: I think you could start this chapter with going into the gate and give any meaningful information while that happens. pg 5: "Funny how him not being able to do that made him want to." --Why can't S trace engravings? pg 6: So I'm gathering the gate only opens to the royal family? Or can anyone do that? pg 6: "whatever traits are linked with male body parts doesn’t get mixed" --eh? I don't think this is how genetics works... pg 8: I'm not as captivated as I want to be here. This is a holy city only the rulers can get into? I want emotion from the characters, about how awestruck they are. pg 9: Oh, this is Z's girlfriend? I'm not clear on why this place is used for a jail. pg 10: There are a lot of names in here and I'm not sure what the aim of the questions are. pg 12: So M was the one who got the other royal brother killed? I'm expecting more emotion, more revelations here, and everything is presented fairly explanatorily. It's hard to stay connected to the story. pg 15: Sooo...I'm not really sure what was achieved in this chapter. I don't feel like I know the characters better, and I'm not really sure why S was talking to M. I'm honestly more interested in D looking at rocks down in an ancient ruin that what's going on here. There's not a lot to emotionally connect to, even though the MC is an empath. I would expect vivid descriptions of emotions during this, using body tells and sensations through the crystal to understand M better. But we don't really get that, and I'm not sure what he got out of the conversation either.

@Ace of Hearts can you put in a thread for this week's submission? I'm going to read over yours today.

Nightmares are more based on gravity wells as a concept to one whose been in zero-G his whole life, rather than this particular planet. I'll see if I can make it clearer. Yep, this was a fun thing for me to play with. Let me know what you think as there are more of these interludes. It's passive voice for a specific reason. Ah. Yeah, I think I may need more direct info on this point. Having a paragraph or so on what other livable characteristics there are will help things out. Thanks, @Silk!

Thanks @kais! The next chapter is titled "Landing," so...hopefully? ;-) I meant for trans issues in this universe to be pretty much settled. This is more a problem with the character and how she views things. Hopefully it comes across better in future chapters.

Well, aside from a few small blocking and tagging issues, I don't know if my notes actually add anything to this. I greatly enjoyed it, and I love the turn on the noir genre. I have a weakness for these series (Vlad Taltos, Glen Cook's Garrett P.I., and I'm actually reading a fantasy procedural by Keith R.A. DeCandido right now!) You've got everything set up well for an entertaining caper, and I'm looking forward to reading more of it! Y is...going to be a handful, isn't she. Basically, interested in the plot, the character, and the (handcrafted, polished) setting(s)... Notes while reading: pg 1: Am I the only one who looked up the phone number? pg 1: Yep, I think you've got everything in the first paragraph here...lesbians, dildos, and detectives! pg 1: "Thus far no one had ever asked her to open it" --It's a display cabinet, with no window? But the cabinet would get eyebrows, but also no one has opened it? Confused on whether the contests are visible. pg 2: "only got called when the wood was of a more delicate nature " --The setup is just so hilarious for this. I'm wondering how many cases she gets... pg 2: "There just weren’t enough people..." --okay. I"m actually sort of relieved by this. pg 2: "investigate the mechanism of inserting a vibration component into a wooden housing" --I was just about to ask this question... pg 3: "During an extremely dry month" --ha. pg 4: "liked to check hands, regardless." --this whole paragraph is perfect. pg 6: "followed by six exclamation points." --lol. pg 7: "There was always a neatly folded piece of paper" --This is perfect. pg 7: “Tomorrow morning. I’m booked until one pm. Can you meet me at the office then?” --confused. Meeting in the morning, or meeting in the afternoon? It seems like she's booked in the morning? pg 8: "I took the first one I found in the collection" --the first what? Report? pg 8: "had sold willy-nilly" *stares* pg 10: "She sneezed again." --that doesn't bode well. pg 10: "against all common sense, sniffed the green silicone" --Would she really do this, knowing as much as she does about murder weapons? I mean that might be likely to kill her. pg 11: "Directly at the third hour mark the right side of her sinuses cleared." --Maybe it would take that long for the reaction to calm down, but can she look up information on her phone in that time or something. She could go outside and get some fresh air... pg 12: "She’d cross reference her symptoms in her database and see what came up. " --could have done that while waiting... pg 13: "They were polite, and friendly, and helped her with her groceries on occasion, but they still hadn’t needed the full frontal." --lol! pg 14: Well, that's a problem ex-not-girlfriend... pg 15: "The tips of D’s fingers started to tingle." --allergic reaction? To what?

Hi Folks! All of chapter 2 this week, but I think this is the last chapter under 5000 words. Last week we were introduced to some of the characters. This week you get almost all of the other POVs. As usual, any and all comments are welcome: plot, setting, character, grammar, etc. Let me know if this helps with some of the character connection problems some of you were having in chapter 1!

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Yeah, I think the pacing is what keeps tripping everyone up. The slow "zoom in" opening arc is a lot more consistent with hard scifi. I may change it up, or may leave it as it will satisfy that audience. I'm interested to see what people think of the second chapter and if that helps.

Great feedback! This seems to be the general consensus for the people here who read more fantasy than scifi. This is also definitely an odd story for me, but I ended up really liking how it came out, so I'm interested how you all will connect with it. There will be a lot more character connection as the story progresses, but this is also very much more a story concerned with the journey rather than destination. (Edit: I realized I didn't actually address other things I wanted to...) On the character list/trans rep: Yes, using they/them was basically for ease with the large cast.I thought about throwing Ze/Hir in, but I felt like it might complicate things. Other pronouns might possibly show up in the second and third book, however! There is definitely a better way to signal the trans character. Part of that is a note to myself, as that character changed gender a couple times until I figured out which one worked best for their character (transfem). It's also a cheat to let the audience know there's representation when gender really doesn't affect the story one way or another for any of these characters. If I can make it clear enough in the text, I'll probably (maybe?) take it out of the list of people.

I would say if you're nervous about other people reading, it would be much better to submit one week to the forum and see what the reaction is, rather that having a couple people read the whole thing. You'll get much better results in discovering if anything is not working in the story.

Welcome! From prior experience, the first draft of the first novel is going to be a mess. You're learning how to tell a story. Honestly, if you're pantsing, don't worry about the outline or the pacing. Write the story. When you get 3/4 of the way through, figure out where you're going to end it. Don't look back. When you write "The End," take a week or two off, then come back, read the story again, and make notes to yourself of where the pacing and plot went out the window. Then make revisions.

I'd love to take a spot for the 31st!