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JWerner's Achievements



  1. Overall, I feel that the greatest weakness here is that there are a lot of things that we're being told that I think you can tell us instead. Pg. 7 through 10 in particular felt like a lot of telling and not a lot of showing, so I'd try to cut some of that out. Other than that, the plotting's straightforward, the detail on your scenery is good, and you've got, I think, a pretty good grasp of metaphor. I didn't really see many parallels to Stormlight, other than the 'depressed dude becomes a god's champion' bit, which Sanderson definitely didn't invent. Notes below: Pg. 1: Flames poured out of windows—I wouldn't say 'poured', that implies they're falling. Maybe 'burst'? The voice called out again...—This whole paragraph is telling, not showing. It cast a dozen shadows onto the dirt...—I would recommend writing a snowflake simile here. A gasped and ran forward.—I would say that he dashed over to her. Someone else was approaching ahead and to his left.—I'd add some more detail to this. The person continued walking, seeming as if they hadn't seen him.—This sounds awkward. I'd change it to "The newcomer didn't see him and continued on." Pg. 3 He caused his bones to become denser—I'd change this to "He increased the density of his bones." He called out, hands flying...—I'd replace "He called out" with "He screamed" Kidneys are in the back, and it definitely seems like A's attacking from the front. The man recovered, however, easily sidestepping the blow.—This makes it sound like the blow made contact, but then he sidesteps it? So he was recovering from the pebble? Pg. 4 This fight wasn't over yet.—I'd rewrite this to prevent repetition, account of "Just like that, the fight was over." Pg. 7 To top it all off, when C had brought the others to pick up Y and himself, the pyro had been gone.—I'd rewrite this to, "To top it all off, the pyro was gone by the time Cead came back with help." Pg. 8 That wasn't the true story, from what they could tell.—They who? Which had worked.—I think you can delete this. We know they succeeded. Pg. 11 I'd take the bird sentence and combine it with the previous paragraph, but remove "There, he saw it." I think it would add a bit more of an abrupt punch and give us a better sense of A's sorrow. Pg. 14 Need to unbold M's dialogue attribution. "You will?"—This probably isn't what you're going for, mood-wise, but I think changing this to "Wait, really?" would be pretty funny.
  2. The idea was to plop it on Amazon and let that be it. I'm not opposed to submitting it elsewhere, I'd just rather take the guaranteed, faster route of having my work out there. Sounds great, thanks!
  3. I don't really have a solid timeline; I'd just like to finally have something published to my name. So if you could take a look at within the next month or two, Silk, I'd really appreciate that.
  4. Hello. Would anyone be willing to take a look at the full manuscript for my current draft for The Witch and the Ostrich?
  5. By and large, you're writing's pretty good. Straightforward, easy to visualize. Could maybe use a bit more flavor. Also, I'm trying to figure out how you pronounce some of the names. I didn't feel all that terribly invested in whatever was happening in this chapter, and like Mandamon, I'm having a hard time putting my finger on why. I think, in my case, it could be that there weren't many interesting character interactions going on. I was kind of interested in Y, but then she just leaves less than two full pages in. C feels like the kind of person who's deliberately trying to be eccentric and weird, and circles back around to being cringey. And there's not enough going on yet between A and R for met to feel a genuinely familial bond between them. But hey, we're only two chapters in. There's gonna be time and opportunity to stick in more detail. Notes below: Pg. 1: "So you think the army's gonna try crap tonight?"—Might be a bit modern, but I think "start sh*t" would sound better. "They already wore their flight harness over their clothes, since it was likely they would have gone scouting tonight anyway."—The tense here is kinda fudged. They 'already' wore a harness for something they'd apparently already done? "What about me, sir?" A said, also standing.—Already mentioned that he's standing up. Pg. 2: "You've got sharp eyes and you're probably one of the best plants I've ever seen."—She said she was going to cut the fat, but this feels like fat. Pg. 4 'The warehouse was now a bustling reef of activity, people, like schools of fish..." I think you can leave out the bolded left, since you already made the aquatic comparison. Grammatical note: It's incorrect to stick a hyphen after any word ending in 'ly' Pg. 6 "It's not TB again, is it?"—Since the backstory behind the whole coin tradition was explained, and this wasn't, it's pretty obvious that this is something you're trying to build a mystery over. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but it is obvious. Pg. 7 "It's not like I'm going to have a heart attack."—Calling it. Foreshadowing. Pg. 9 "...the wood scraping terribly against cement."—I feel that you could describe this in greater sensory detail. Pg. 11 "I love you, baba," he whispered.—I don't feel like the situation warrants a whisper. If he's running to save someone from a burning building, you'd think A would be more frantic and that would reflect on his voice.
  6. Hello, Here's the revised chapter 3, with a new scene that builds off my major plot addition to ch. 1 (ch. 2 otherwise didn't change much). I made some other plot edits to the rest of the novella accordingly, but again, no major rewrites. I'd like to make some revisions to the side characters (B and J in particular) to amend the issue of the samey-ness of character personalities, and then I think that'll be it for this draft. Quick plot recap: Q and F headed to the town of QW, so Q could write a review of the town's colosseum, and/or investigate the apparent disappearance of a city politician. They hit a bit of a snag at the town's front gate, but were let in and went off to look for lodgings.
  7. Hello, I've started working on the next draft of The Witch and the Ostrich. I've made some revisions to the first chapter to address the most prevalent criticisms, namely, the motivation/reasoning for the plot. Right now, I'm planning to add a new scene to chapter 3 based off the major addition to this chapter, and tweaking other scenes accordingly. I'm not planning to resubmit the entire novella; I just want to get a feel of whether this is a step in the right direction. Lemme know. Thanks!
  8. I'd like to submit for tomorrow again, please. Also, c'mon guys. Anyone else going to submit anything? You're making me feel guilty over here.
  9. Thank you both for reading until the end and giving me this feedback; it's enormously appreciated. I've got an idea for tweaking the plot in the next draft that I'm hoping will address the biggest criticisms about the story. Hoping that'll improve things a bunch.
  10. Here's the last scene of chapter 9 (I couldn't fit it into last week's submission) and all of chapter 10. Aaaaand we're done with this draft! Thank you everyone for reading! Last time, Q had a close encounter with B the vampire, and discovered that she was once a B-ian politician, sent to QW by either Queen Y the Third, or her enforcer and Q's fellow witch, E. Desperate to escape both B's clutches E's approaching forces, Q offers to tell B's story. But then F showed up, and used the Talisman of U the E to kill B. Right after, the S's arrived and started lobbing fireballs into the city. One hit the C, which exploded and sent an enormous chunk of debris Q's way.
  11. I'd like to post for tomorrow, please.
  12. Here's the tail end of chapter 8 and all of chapter 9 for this week. (Though honestly, the first scene could also be part of chapter 9. Might rearrange it later.) Last time, Q revealed the reason why she keeps F around, and severed their working relationship. F departs, but returns immediately and recovers the talisman of U the E. Q attempts to contact her fellow witch J for help, only for another witch, E, to inform her that she is marching on QW with some of the dreaded S. Right afterwards, B the vampire reaches Q's hiding place. Q takes aim at B with her magical musket. Only one more submission after this one. Also, apologies for emailing this one out early; I meant to do a timed send.
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