Mandamon

Long critique incoming! Well, I see what you mean about waiting. This fell flat for me, because I wasn't really sure what was going on until the last page. Before that is basically all worldbuilding and buildup. I didn't even know what the "reverse sunrise" was until about halfway through. For something like this, where it's expounding on an "Idea" concept (from Mary Robinette's MICE quotient), it's important to know what the Idea is. Instead, this is introduced more as a Milieu (setting) or Character story. But these characters don't really matter. It could be anyone stating "immortal people don't want to be immortal any more." The characters literally do nothing. The setting with the forest and the city is cool, but talking about it so much made me start to pick it apart. I think it's a good concept, but I'm not sure how to really bring that out. *Prescription* Some ideas, if you want them. Otherwise disregard. -You could make this a Character story instead, learning about the Deathless, unsuited to this task, but accepting that immortality doesn't work. He has to make a decision whether to save the forest. The decision doesn't really matter, but we learn about his character by what he does. -You could make this an Event story, where the moss/immortals are dying, and something even worse will happen to humanity. Then we have a real consequence for the actions here. -Right now as an Idea story, there's no impact to the decision. Humanity has existed for a long time without immortal people. They don't seem to be particularly useful, considering this guy was basically high for 100 years. What does it matter if they're gone? *end prescription* Notes while reading. pg 1: "this reversed sunset casting its shadows all the wrong ways across the tiled roofs of the small village." --It's a bit long and wordy, especially for the second sentence. Also, I'm not sure why it's "reversed." if it's happening at midnight, then is it just an early sunrise? pg 2: "splitting the difference" --I was confused what this was until I got to the end of the sentence. I didn't know what he was splitting between. Also, if he's forgotten all the rituals, how does he know either is correct? pg 2: "What had it been called? The chill? The cold, that was it." --or maybe a certain virus that sounds like a beer? ;-) pg 2: I'm not sure why the speech suddenly transitions into using "one." It's only in some sentences, and it sounds odd when the man obviously isn't interested in ritual and formality. pg 3: "he glanced one last time at that orange sky" --I'm not sure what the sky signifies. If it was commonplace, he wouldn't be looking at it, but if it's unusual, then why is no one saying, "hey, that sky sure is weird, isn't it?" pg 4: Okay, I guess using "one" is standard. It still seems stilted. pg 5: "But sir, we do see it every day. This fire, it’s been raging for so long, the animals have begun to flee" --Ah. So the sunset is not actually a sunset. Took me way too long to get that. --Also, would lots of foxes run together? I have no idea, but it may be worth a little research. pg 6: "The cause didn’t matter, really. The fact was that the moss could grow only here. " --I mean...it does though. With enough study someone's bound to find what causes it. Unless it's magical in some way and literally has no physical cause. pg 6: "Without regular access to the forest" --So I assume there are troops of armed guards all around the city? There would have to be, to keep someone from just taking it over and declaring themself the new ruler of immortality. So why are there not enough people/resources to put out a fire? pg 6: "It was the only thing that had prevented nuclear war over control of the forest" --*casts suspicious eye on this based on the current state of world affairs.* pg 7: There are only three more pages. Is something actually going to happen? pg 7: "before their coverage had been quashed" --This tells me the government might not be as impartial and benevolent as stated... pg 7: "But he explained the fire-fighting measures being taken to the best of his understanding, though he was really trained more in spiritual matters than in science." --Which also begs the question: why this guy? They have a woman who literally stopped giant forest fires already working on it. Why is this guy here? pg 8: "the 6 men and women" --write out numbers less than 100 pg 8: "All this stretched on for mile after mile" --so the forest is already gone? Sounds like the moss is toast. pg 9: "Why do you think they sent me?" --glad this is finally addressed. pg 10: "grown to soft," -> "grown too soft," pg 10: hmmm...so all the immortal people got sick of things and stopped being immortal. That actually seems pretty likely. Although I can't imagine this place would have lasted that long to get to this point in the first place.

Thanks @Sarah B! Glad it's working better.

Cool. I'm glad they weren't completely confusing.

Thanks @kais! I must have been writing up my last response as you were... Hmmm. I'll take another look. He's definitely deriving comfort from being with E/I, he has been here before, and going through the wall is another option, so I'm not sure he would be too anxious. Still, I'll reassess. Great. I'll look if I can start to bring her reactions in sooner. I was a little worried about that part. Combining the two sentences may work better. No, because they've been separated for a long time. I'm getting into that conversation now in the revamped Chapter 3. I'll add some more detail. Yep, emotions as always! I'll try to punch things up. Good idea. I explained some of my reasoning above, but I do agree S should be a little more anxious. E may be distant, but I could lend more support. I'll see what others say. This will lead into a lot of the conflict in chapter two and three!

Hi @Snakenaps! Thanks so much for the critique. First, yes you can name my previously published books on here. I'm not sure if many libraries carry Seeds, but let me know if you have trouble finding it. Very glad to have input from you, as this will test how well I'm re-introducing the story. This is actually the third book in the series! This one and the second book will be out later this year (after a Kickstarter in April) I really like your deductions. That tells me the first couple paragraphs can snag a new reader and give them some explanation, even since this is the third book. Cool. I was wondering if that would be problematic as it came in the second paragraph. Were you familiar with neopronouns before? There are...several...in this series, so let me know if you get confused anywhere. I do describe the magic a little later on, so glad you weren't completely confused here. Correct assumption on their species! This is sort of a big spoiler for book one, just to let you know. Glad you're enjoying it. Lol. Glad you like it. I really have fun with this magic system. Yes, each house has a color. They're referenced further on in the story, so let me know if you pick up on them. Glad this is working a bit better. The first time around, the anger was too abrupt. Yep, that's sort of his thing... Great! Glad you're enjoying it. I'll have the second chapter for next week. As I said, this is the third book, so pretty far into spoiler territory, if you do want to read the other two, and are okay with that. Looking forward to your critiques!

I feel like I should be smoking a cigarette after reading this chapter... I loved M in this one. Lots of good action, very tense the whole way through, and our heroes are Acting! and Protagging! All over the place. This is great start to the climax after getting to this point. Plus, sads after the raptors, and distrust of N, after the last strange message. Looking forward to next week and wrapping things up! Notes while reading: pg 2: "patted her shoulder “Nothing.”" --not sure what this is in relation to. A comment from last chapter? Even if reading straight through, might need a tag on this. pg 3: “Action’s moved inside likely” --missing the comma pg 3: "More gunfire" --More reaction from the gunfire would be good. How close is it? Are there bullets zinging around? Cna they see anyone who's shooting? Are they in danger? pg 3: "Cause all the TF are out, of course" --I'm blanking on the abbreviation... pg 4: "Keep talking, right." Lol Pg 4: the curses on this page are priceless. pg 5: "she didn’t give a… " --actually Loled at this. pg 6: "her face a picture of stunned horror" --oh no. pg 6: "Three-oh-six" --hmmm...spelling this out the second time throws me out. pg 6: "ripped into the lead beast at fifteen metres and ripped it apart" --this is amazingly tense, but repeated word in this sentence. pg 7: "M released the handle and spun." --I got this the second time, but at first I thought she'd gone through the gate. pg 7: "The raptors twitched, to get at the mts, no doubt." --I forget the raptors programming. Are they search and destroy for the GE monsters? pg 8: "This try-fail stuff is bs!" --Hahah...very meta. pg 8: “The VLs will take on the MTs, right?” --Ah. Question answered. pg 8: "All fire turned on the tube steel frame and the lock. " --probably WRS, but why did M have do go through the sewer if they could just blast the gate? Didn't she have to unlock it? pg 9: "were snapped or throats ripped out" --I don't know how I feel about passive voice describing a bloodbath. pg 9: "Faster, Dinosaur! Kill! Kill!” --IUnderstoodThatReference.gif pg 10: very glad the raptors get a big part in this chapter. pg 11: "an growing" -> "a growing" pg 11: "“How much of this did you engineer, really?” --Yeeeeahhh...suddenly not trusting MC that much. pg 11: “Makes sense,” said M, “if the experiments are roaming the countryside.” --not sure this follows. What does them being created underground have to do with roaming the countryside? pg 12: awww...raptors. pg 13: "admit two, four, six soldiers into the space between the doors." --Had some trouble with this blocking. Is this the invading soldiers coming through the front doors? Security guards inside the building? pg 13: "“Lower your weapon,” said D, “and back away." --confused. Who's he talking to? Soldiers? The team? Are the soldiers in a room with them, or still behind closed doors? pg 13: "holding up his hands, moving slowly in the face of the ranked weapons." --Who's captured who now? I feel like the soldiers are still behind closed doors. --Ah, reading to the end I see they are. The whole last page needs some help with blocking, but otherwise, this chapter was very enjoyable!

Back to chapter 1! I've reworked this extensively, so let me know what think of it this time around, and if I've fixed concerns you had the first time.

Thanks @Sarah B! This is likely true. I'm planning to cover a lot more of the relationship stuff earlier, so I hope this section will either be shorter, or building in a different way. Yeah, I want to do this, just not sure how it fits with the arcs of the chapters. I'll have to check on this. With all the trips through the wall, I'm starting to confuse myself. It should be a lot clearer the next go round.

If it's intentional, then I think it could work, but I think it'd have to be VERY blatant and E would have to make a decent deal out of noticing "hey have I had these like exact literal thoughts before this is creepy" so it doesn't just look like an editing error. By the time I make it that blatant, I think it will be a bit too much of a hammer, so I'll likely take it out.

On for next week, and this time it will be a resubmit of chapter 1! Hopefully with better everything! I think I may just be resubbing most or all of the chapters from the beginning, as I rewrite, depending on if there are large changes (which there probably will be, from comments so far.)

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Glad for the vote of confidence. I'm starting to clear this stuff up while working on the first few chapters. Yep. I can condense this. I think I was being too artsy and making my writing reflect a sense of lost time... ;-) Noted. will expand description. These two things are definitely slated for some changes in edits. I dropped the thread with the voices too early, and I need to do something with the artifacts, or delete them/reduce to a single mention. I have a way I can tie them into the end of the book, but I need to figure out how and if it's worth it. I've bolstered this a bit in the first chapter already, and I'll definitely be putting more emotion and reaction into it this time around. Hopefully that will clear this up. Interesting...more evidence I need to fix his character personality. Lol...yeah, I think it's me. I think I can make these decisions a lot more meaningful once I strip out the incessant back and forth. Thanks again! Very helpful stuff.

Thanks @Majestic Fox! This is often a product of my first drafts. I get a lot of the concept down on the paper, and then can go back in the next draft and add in emotion and take out some of the more thinky bits. Thanks for pointing out the places where this happens--that will help me to target things! Heh--I think this may be one of the rare times I've used that analogy.

Hello and welcome to Reading Excuses, @Kidpen! This is a great place to learn about writing craft.

Thanks @lizbusby--hope you're feeling better! I think if I cut on the wandering section, I can put some more emotion in there to support her decisions. Check. Sounds like I'm missing a beat. I'll adjust. I can support this more. Basically that she's got more time to dig internally, and the other personalities are also surfacing more, now the assassin isn't in control. I can move the explanation up so it works better. Miswording on my part. I meant that they are going toward the highest energy things out of what is left. Yep, need to put a sequel in here. I was hoping this work as being sort of intuitive. If not, I can add some more background.

Thanks @kais! Amazing! Good point. I think this definitely loses some tension by being cut in half. I was attempting to give a sense of time moving around her, but sounds like it's not landing right. Good point. I can beef that part up. Heh--I'm still not sure whether this will stay or go. I didn't really get a change to expand on it in this book. It might be a tie-in for the second arc of this story, or I may try to expand on it in this rewrite. Skipped the scene of another trip through the wall, but I can call it out better. Hmm...no. I'll look back and see if I can clarify this. Lol--I put that line in when reading over this before submitting, just for you! Going to try to fit some more in with an earlier scene, but there may be a more NSFW version eventually. ;-)

Welcome to Reading Excuses, @Snakenaps! also looking forward to your critiques and subs!

Thanks @kais Second comment on this, and I'm starting to see it too. I guess that's the problem with waiting until book 3 to give him a POV...Will do some more design work. Yep, things started to come together here, but I'm starting on edits to the previous S/E/I chapters to speed them up. Hmm...trying to show E falling under the influence of the way the Elg think. I'll revamp. I'm hoping the combination of horrible and adorable will be unsettling...

Part 2 of Chapter 9 of book 3. Well, I promised a short submission this week, but then I realized I'd completely left out a scene at then end of this chapter. On the good side, it's still under 5k! We learn more about E and I, following directly from the first part of the chapter. Any comments are welcome! Previously (separated by POV): S/E/I: they arrive in the other facet with their news. The Ari leader is there, E has her problems, and E/I learn about their folks. The Eff faints shortly thereafter. They all take her to the Ari section, and S goes off with WW to try to pass through the wall. He fails, gets E/I to accompany him, but they are stopped by the Elg and their party is separated. E is trapped in the Imperium for day, in the shape of one of the invaders. I, however, dons the diadem and struggles with the memories contained therein. M: comes to the Imperium with his new Society, to learn what happened after they tried to bring something through with his device (at the end of book 2). R: Ri and Co have escaped to HD's homeworld, at an installation of their art, where they regain their bearings. They go back to the Imp, where they engage some of the invaders, with great effort, and then go to a Speaker's estate, where she is collecting refugees. Re: He and the assassins listen to the LC's plans, while the assassins start to interfere.

Oh, interesting! I'll have to look back at this. I wonder if it's a consequence of writing "anxiety-filled young man." I'll have to see if I can differentiate more. Hmmm...maybe? I just got off edits to book 2, so I'll work on making that thread consistent. small caps could work. Or maybe at lower case? I'll play with it. Always need more emotions! There's another memory sequence later, but I could definitely split this off into it's own chapter if needed. Thanks @industrialistDragon!

Putting my name in for next week to finish off this chapter. I may drop back the week after and resubmit an edited first chapter, if I get it done by then.

Thanks @Robinski! Great comments as always, and that really helps to show where things are unclear. LBLs are great. On E's section: I struggled to describe something with none of the same sensory organs as us, so glad to have some clarity on what's working and what's not. Yes, I can clarify this. Having two people speak in italics makes things hard to parse. Can support with more evidence. Hmmm...yes, I see what you mean. I meant it more as the descriptor of a person he knows, not that he's ditching S for someone else. Cool. I'm hoping to make the anxiety seen in the first two books a kind of strength in this one. Glad the foreshadowing came through! On the "method of application" I was attempting to say that he changed his shape to make it possible, but I'll try to clarify. Part of this might be WRS, but I can also flesh this out more. Hopefully the changes will also clear up how the Ari are still around. Hopefully this part is WRS? I'll check for clarity I think I need to add some description to this. The person the POV in the memory who got replaced was not an Ari and didn't wear the diadem. The Ari, once he replaced the Eff, found the diadems as stored artifacts and put one on. I was hoping this question would be answered by the spikes coming off the bottom which would impale a skull! Yes. They are the ones who chose to stay in this facet and wander. I'll check to see if I can clarify this. Thanks so much! All this will help immensely.

Thanks @lizbusby! Second comment on this, so I'll go back and make this clearer Second comment on both of these as well! I will adjust. Hmmm...He is pretty introspective, but I get your point. This was covered in book 2. It's sort of a new thing. Dangit. Thanks! Yep--this was my desperate attempt to remind myself I hadn't brought this concept up since the second book! I will make it more fluid. Great comments!

Thanks @Sarah B! Good catches. I'll try to clarify those points. This was somewhat intentional. I is having a hard time separating himself from the memory. That said, if it's too confusing, I'll make it clearer. Will wait for other input...

Some good action and tension in this chapter. I really like the raptor controls, and the tension that comes from wondering how well they'll obey. The countdown gives some extra tension as well, as does the roadblock. That said...this is again traveling to a destination. They don't actually achieve anything here except get close to the facility. They don't even get in the access tunnel. When the goals were stated at the beginning of the chapter, I assumed they'd be in the building by the end of the chapter. Hoping they'll be there next chapter. pg 4: "he needs rid of DM too" --was this ever firmly established? Probably WRS, but I can't remember how they are certain that TOM is turning against DM. pg 4: "Dre. Mor." --who? Is this a play on DM? pg 5: like the fantastic 4 reference. It took me a couple reads to understand exactly what was happening with the raptors. It could do with a little more clarification. pg 5: “Get it done, now. 0216!” --not sure what this means. pg 6: "This does start to look like maturity kicking in" --lol pg 6: “0223,” --ah...this is a countdown. Didn't get it the first time. pg 7: "looked pretty comfortable at what must have been about forty k.p.h" --fast raptors. pg 7: "the window auto-closed to minimise drag and therefore energy use. " --cool idea, but would the vehicle still do that if someone overrode it by putting the window down? pg 9: "She keep an ear" -> "She kept an ear" pg 10: "The big man dropped the lead." --I read "buried the lede" the first time I saw this, for some reason, but I'm guessing it's that he accelerated. I think it's that I wasn't sure why he would take off now, rather than at earlier questions. Surely Government vehicle would be an easy one to answer, with him being a cop? pg 14: "She began to cry." --I guess just over the stress of the situation, as Q getting a cover for her seems...more practical than anything. I think any of the others would have done the same. This doesn't really reverberate with me as a caring gesture, just more something that needed to be done. pg 14: Good last line. I'm wondering if the air raid came early?

Critiquing part 2: Definitely enjoyed the journey of this story. However, I'm not sold on the ending. It seemed that the magician had gained peace from his time beyond the veil and was ready to accept the consequences. But then he changed his mind and became human again? He just went back to his original objective of people remembering his name, but he didn't even save the city. He didn't seem to learn anything from his journey. I didn't get as much of the creeper vibe as @industrialistDragon, but I do see that aspect. To me, it felt more like he was intending simply to get the information, but then became entranced by the world beyond the veil and Fay. I didn't read that she ever actually loved him back, but that she was showing him how to be a better person. I was with that up to the end, when he just shrugged it all off and went back to what he was like at the beginning. I think if he shows he's capable of learning, that would help the story a lot. Notes while reading: pg 14: "as if it has already" --has already happened? pg 17: "But you may call me Fay" --a bit on the nose, but okay. pg 25: "a magician stands before the crowd" --so he turned himself back? I didn't think that was possible.