Mandamon

Not quite 5 minutes later this time... ;-) I'm not even first! Overall, I'm unsure about the direction of the chapter (at least until the very last sentence). I feel like the lull with the medics drags down the tension a lot, especially after running and fighting last chapter. I guess things had to finally catch up to them, but I'm just very unsure what the rest of the book will be about or even what the crew is planning to do. There were a couple bombs dropped about Q's son which we haven't heard confirmed before. Is this related to a change earlier on? If not, then I don't think anyone's given that information concretely yet. I think one place I'm confused is that I'm getting mixed signals between Q/TOM/DM and E/T/Row. It feels like the stories aren't really connected, and that the only constant between them is DM. But why Q is dragged in is still unknown, especially since we don't know who the mystery caller is. My guess is that it's his son, reaching out, but again, I don't really know how/why that connects with the scheme DM has been running at Gen. I'm sure we'll find all this out in time, but the story could probably do with a bit of tightening up to align the different stories and objectives. Notes while reading: pg 2: "tearing at synthetic flesh." --interesting that they can't tell. I don't think we've got a good description of how "real" android skin is. I know they can't pass as human. pg 3: "techs in royal blue hazmat suits," and "black-and-white camouflaged soldiers" --so are they not together then? I assumed the soldiers were also from Gen, but it seems not? pg 4: "recalibrated his assessment" --I like there's some enby representation, but what triggered Q to reassess? The paragraph starts with "she" and ends with "xe" but I don't think xe stated xir pronouns. So what happened? pg 4: "drag you back to command" --why should they? They were the ones attacked. Or is this because they're outside quarantine? pg 5: “Yes, Xa’am." --I like this. pg 6: "There would still be Q’s son, somewhere in Yk." --what now? Did we know this? pg 6: "M must know Q’s son was here" --this seems like common knowledge then, and something the reader should have known as well. It will give some more urgency to why Q wants to go to YK. pg 7: "Eighty stood slightly apart, still subject to Tenet Zero, presumably." --and with his skin ripped to shreds? pg 7: "Was she smirking?" --but she was subdued before... pg 9: “You must hate the stink of all this,” said Q. “Wasn’t E the enemy?” --was she? Do we know anything about D and E's interactions before this? pg 9: “You’re a piece of work,” E spat. “I ought to bust you in the mouth.” --Is this to D or Q? pg 10: "Frying pans and fires sprang to mind." --I'm a little concerned that the group doesn't really have any agency or direction as to what to do or where to go. At the moment their goal seem to be "kill monsters" and "wander around until they find T." pg 10: “It will strip skin and pseudo-flesh from my skeleton" --Is that a problem? How much is gone already? pg 10: "not having to deal with B" --I honestly don't remember who this is at this point. pg 12: Ok, glad we finally get a confrontation between DM and Q (next chapter, I assume) but I was very worried for a little bit with them trapped in cells. It seems like they're losing all agency. I don't see how DM would be willing to get them out, either. Can't he just shoot them in the cells and walk out?

Thanks @Sarah B! It's great to get feedback from someone who's just started and can point out where I'm assuming things. Good catch. I can fill this in. Glad to hear the summary helps, at least. The second book ends literally seconds before this, so I need to work on how dense the first couple pages are to balance between people reading straight through and those who've waited a while to get to this book. Great! Hope you enjoy it.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! I really like the bones of this piece, but I think the structure could definitely be edited down. I mentioned a couple places to cut words below, and you could probably cut more in the description of the roller getting caught in the trap, since it doesn't really end up mattering at the end. My main problems were confusion, after about page 5, lack of description in the action sequences, and I though the ending was a bit vague. I'd like to know how many people are left and just how desperate L and J's situation is. Notes while reading: Pg 1: "although any saving may only be temporary, given the state of the world as a whole..." -- I think you could cut this sentence. You give the state of the world later in the paragraph. Pg 1: "Based on her hair and clothes," -- I don't see how this relates to a redwood. Pg 1: "until the gravity drew all the blood down and made his fingers tight and puffy by afternoon." -- you could trim this paragraph down and eliminate the explanation of what happen when you hold something. Just tell us his fingers are sore and puffy. Pg 2: "some idiot started following me everywhere.” -- lol Pg 2: "quiet" repeated twice in a paragraph Pg 2: "when they arrived at the gulley where three would die." -- don't understand what's going on here. Are they planning to kill three of their followers? Pg 2: "fewer directions to lookout in" --awkward Pg 2: could also probably cut some of the carabiner and steel cord descriptions. I started skimming. Pg 3-4: descriptions of the rollers are good. Very tense part. pg 4: I don't really understand what L is doing with calculating parts of the radio signal. Is she calling the roller? Pg 5: "she was gone before she could stand again. No blood, no hungry eating sounds. Just enveloped and gone and in a terrible way that it made it easier." --not sure what's going on here. I thought the roller was caught in the faraday cage? How is it eating people? pg 5: The blocking with the tree and the roller is a little unclear to me pg 6: yeah, I can't really visualize what's happening and where the roller is or how big it is compared to the group and the tree. pg 6: why is L crying? because the couple and the girl got killed or something else? pg 7: I assume the "job" is taking out the rollers? This might be a good time to make it clearer. pg 7: "I think that was the last one actually." --The last one what? I still don't know what she's doing with the calculations. I also don't know the significance of three days. pg 8: "those characters were the size of my hand." --Rollers? What is she talking about? pg 9: “You should have let me get rid of them. I think I could have gotten another ten to leave." --ten people? I'm glad there's some more explanation here but I'm still very unsure on how much of this other people know, or how many other people there are. pg 12: "The radio would keep the Rollers away" --does it call them or repel them? I thought it brought them closer. pg 12: "Game over. Great mystery solved." --I feel like this is clear to J, but I don't know what he means. pg 13: “Cats to eat the slow ones, traps to catch the clever ones.” --Okay so I guess the rollers were just set on our world to get rid of people? Are most other people dead already? Once sentence could tell us whether these are close to the last people left in the world. As it is, the ending doesn't really have a bang because we're so focused on the rollers, but the real enemy is evidently something behind them.

There are some coming in later chapters, but I think I can move the first point from chapter five back to this one. The more I think about it, I may just move that chapter right after this one, or combine. Arg, sorry. Completely different translation problem, while copying to a new document. Agree. I think I can cut some of the stuff before this. Good! That's sort of coming out as one main drives of this book. I'll see what you think about the others once we get into it...

Sending this out early because I'll be on vacation all next week. I should have internet access fairly consistently but we'll see what happens. For everyone who isn't familiar, this is the first chapter of book 3 of The Dissolution Cycle. Book 1 is published (https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077V2YHKR), and the second one went through the forum during the first half of 2019. If you haven't read all 300k words or so that come before but still want to try to critique, you're in luck! The submission this week includes summaries of the first two books as well as a list of major characters (so...spoilers...). You don't need to critique this part. It's there for your reference (otherwise this is almost 8k long!). The actual story starts on page 8. All comments are welcome. I especially want to know if this works as a beginning, and if you have a connection to the characters. Tear it apart! EDIT: sorry, please ignore the weird "-" things every so often. It's an artifact of copying this to another document.

I would potentially like a space for Monday as well. I've got one chapter left if the first draft of book 3, and I'm going to push myself to edit the first chapter by Monday. I'm also going to be potentially away from internet next week, so we'll see what happens.

I'm glad the whole gang is traveling in the same direction now, but I still thought the first half of the chapter dragged, getting through all the (literal) roadblocks. They finally get to their objective and find...nothing, which I suppose should be expected, after all it's been several days since R left the house to tell Q. But it's still a bit of a letdown to come up, once again, with nothing but soldiers flinging death at the heroes. I want to start seeing some sort of payoff for all the traveling they've had to do to get to this point. pg 3: “That’s a sports quip, right? I don’t do sports.” --glad this was in there for explanation... pg 7: “Little lady pregnant? Was that the best you could do..." --I mean,it worked, didn't it? This seems overplayed compared with Q and E's relationship the rest of this chapter. pg 7: “But I’m intrigued, you mentioned pregnancy pain…” --would anyone really ask this? There are a whole host of issues that could be brought up by asking this. pg 8: "“An heir to E-C?” --I still have no idea how the companies relate to Q and what the difference between E-C and Gen is. pg 9: "If the law comes down on us, lay down your weapons." --NOW they're going to submit to the law?? pg 10: "“Don’t shoot M. I need him.” --for what? Also, why are they expecting him to be here at all? pg 14: “Interested parties outside. Prepare for action.” --well, I'm glad they found something in the house, anyway... pg 15: “Death sparkles!” --do wut now Seriously, I am enjoying the names for the engineered creatures, but this was was a bit too bright and happy for the situation. it popped me out a bit and made me wonder, just as the chapter was ending.

You say this isn't fantasy, which leaves me a little confused at the end. Is the MC making the cat talk by throwing their voice? Or is this magical realism and you aren't considering it fantasy? In terms of characters overcoming faults, I'm not sure this succeeds. First, it means you're saying a character not speaking is a fault, unless you're referring to the MC being unwilling to stand up for themself. I would argue the first is a description, and calling it a fault is derogatory. Being unwilling to stand up for yourself could, however, be considered a fault. But, only the non-vocal part is addressed, though by circumventing the character's inability to talk. Again, not overcoming it. The second fault is not overcome because the character once again runs away and does not address the underlying problem with the thugs. pg 2: "“-” The boys aren’t looking at me anymore." --is this a typo, or a quote of someone not saying anything? pg 2: "The two boys look at each other, neither one willing to speak for a moment." --I don't understand what's so fascinating about the cat. Why did the boys look away from the target they want to beat up? pg 4: "Sometimes, words need to be unleashed. But a cat could do it for me." --Soooo...is the MC a ventriloquist, but doesn't talk? Or is this magical realism? I'm not completely sure.

@Ookla the Partitioner Just a note of clarification. I think all three of your critiques here basically pick up on Z quoting Christian faith. So even though you are explaining your work (in the forum, though not in the book), because the reader picks up on this as Christian faith, then that's how it will be perceived, no matter what you intend. That's the reason for these critiques. I think @Lightbearer had some really good points about the strawman arguments that were introduced and how they can be adjusted. In any case, there needs to be a lot more buildup. I think rather than any of us being disdainful of the story you are trying to tell, we are attempting to give you our reactions, which would likely be the same reactions a multitude of readers would have if this were to be published. The fact that our reactions are more visceral is because this story touches on a nerve that is prevalent in our society, and thus needs to be approached with caution. It's great to write about and explore these concepts (and that's a big benefit of SFF in general) but on the other hand, it's also important to pay attention to how they are received, and if the response you think you will get is not the one you are getting, then you may need to look at the core concept of your story again.

Overall, I think T was still a great character. He's very simple really, which means the characters have to dance around him to justify their actions, and it's a great way to show everyone's flaws. That's where this starts to get into trouble. I didn't really like the introduction of random Christian faith to what otherwise was a secondary world fantasy for the first 90%. It reads like a prop to justify the actions of the main character, though the actions themselves are at best hypocritical. I detailed this more in my comments below, but I would liked either a much bigger buildup to Z being able to use a "faith shield" or something else entirely that doesn't set my teeth on edge compared to the rest of the story. The whole conceit is that seekers don't have magic, but then Z basically pulls out a different sort of magic for the climax, which weakens the rest of the story. Aside from that I think the story has merit. There just needs to be more "surprising yet inevitable" and less "surprising and confusing" at the end. Notes while reading: pg 1: not sure if "centipede-laden" is the correct term. "centipede-bedecked?" pg 2: "The room stank horribly, not the smell of a foul odor, but a pungent assault on the nostrils that robbed them of their ability to smell anything else." --the room stank of something that didn't smell? pg 3: "through the green eye" --the scar actually ran *through* the eye, or over the eye? pg 3: "It’s quite rude to leave someone out of a philosophy debate.” --hmmm...Do we know the rules of the town vs. what the seeker wants? I think we need a lot more preparation if we're going to have a conversation about what's ethical or not in a completely different environment from our own, where we don't even know the local rules. pg 5: "If it helps, just think of me as a scavenger that puts the material to better use.” --I mean, we use donated corpses for science now, so by our ethics N's experiments might not be unethical. I don't know enough of the world to judge, so it's hard to be sympathetic to the hero. pg 5: "and a life is a life.” --but they're dead. pg 6: "I’ve committed no crimes." --unless her creations have been killing people, I'm sort of with N on this one. pg 7: "the reason S left is because you did something truly awful, something which, despite his pride, forced him into abandoning you." --maybe lead with this. The previous moral argument isn't very strong. pg 8: “You’ve admitted to deliberately harming a human being, for your own gain.” --again, I feel they could have led with this tactic. pg 9: "slaws" -> "claws" pg 9: “So, you’ve figured out my talons are poisoned, have you?” --a very telly line... pg 11: "“I liked that arm!” N snarled. “Do you know how long it’ll take me to find one just like it?” --Lol. pg 11: “Don’t kill her out of anger.” --does this affect something? pg 12: "This will corrupt you." --I have a hard time telling if this is an actual rule of the world, or something the seekers just believe. So far, this world has been pretty dark, literally and figuratively. pg 12: "Taking things into your hands will destroy the person most important to you.” --huh? pg 13: "T’s eyes flared red." --I don't really understand why Z let T go to the witch. He's been able to control T well so far, and if he knew this would happen, then it doesn't make sense. pg 14: “Oh, that feels good.” --what does? pg 14: "“That’s a long story, and we don’t have the time for it." --eeeeecxept otherwise this whole thing doesn't make sense. Why did the seeker let T loose? pg 15: "This creature knows who his true master is.” --is this saying N is T's creator? But she wasn't familiar with him. pg 16: "Z believed in a greater purpose to all that happens." --this is a bit too on the nose of "the power was inside you all the time." I'm struggling to believe Z can just put up a "belief shield" and save the day. pg 17: “…Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.” --ok, this popped me out. So is this saying seekers are some remnant of the Christian religion? That imparts a very specific worldview on this story that hasn't been there before. pg 18: “Once they fall to negative emotions, T inflames them, and the cycle continues as they inevitably try to kill me.” --soooo...even though Z is taking the high and mighty road, he's still responsible for the death of the witch. It's not self-defense. He knows what T will do. pg 19: “he can never exceed the normal range of human emotions.” --Yes, but human emotions can vary widely based on what external stimulus there is. I still say Z deliberately forced the witch to something she wouldn't normally have done, thus negating his view of the sanctity of life. He degrades the value of her life just as she was doing to her test subjects. pg 20: “Guess we’re stuck here until I’m well enough to swing my sword." --didn't they already clear a path on the way in? Just take the same one out. pg 21: "you had no problem with showing up with that Witchbeast of yours, knowing full well that it would lead to N’s death.” --glad someone brought that up. pg 21: "He’s a force of nature, and one I can’t control." --nope. He brought T into this situation. He's just as much at fault. pg 22: “Faith in the One Above All.” --eh, this leaves me with a bit of a bad taste. Z gets to be all smarmy about his religion when simultaneously invalidating his supposed beliefs. He's a hypocrite.

Oh...okaaay. And we're already through chapter 19? I have a feeling the first Q&M was a lot shorter than this. If this is the case, I think most of the traveling chapters can go to make a much snappier book.

I think @Lightbringer makes a lot of good points about the writing and structure. I fully agree with putting more description and cutting down on some of the overlong dialogue and telling. It will make this snappier and easier to read. This section was more entertaining than the first part, as it's more of a quest storyline. I'm getting a better feel for Z, as he seems to have a wide-eyed curiosity about the world but doesn't always know what he's getting into. I've just starting playing the Witcher games and this reminds me a lot of that, especially with the potions and fighting strange monsters. Very much agree. T is a great character to interject ruthless honesty. If you've read Saga, he acts like Lying Cat, who is also a source of both comedy and great emotion. Notes while reading: pg 1: This is starting out more exciting and concise than the first part. pg 3: "Z’s voice was barely over a whisper." --Aside from P telling him not to, is there a reason he can't talk to the proprietor? Why will talking identify him as a seeker? pg 5: "All I really know how to do is ask questions.” --Except he wasn't really doing that either. He says there's something fishy going on with G, but then seems like he's not going to follow up on it. Sucks a lot of the tension out of the scene. pg 6: "slammed a dark vial" --is...she angry? She didn't seem angry before... pg 7: "leaving the flake-covered side exposed" --why did he pick up one of the flake-covered sticks? Did he ask for that? pg 7: “Shut up, you stupid Witchbeast!” --confused in this and the next paragraph who's talking about who and who said what. pg 8: "Shame. Rage.” --is this from P? You're telling us a lot of emotions, but I don't necessarily see the reasons behind them in the people. I don't know why P is so angry with Z. pg 9: hiding the key is interesting. Still not sure what's going on. pg 9: "A thirst for knowledge exploded" --Good use of T, but I was confused why "feeding" means there is more of the emotion in Z rather than less. pg 11: “The clocktower? Seriously?” --yeah, that seems kind of random. Are there any other public places around? Description would help make this more plausible if we can see where the hiding place isn't. pg 11: "I think this city might be a Refuge.” --I'm glad we got to a reason for the strange happenings, but I have no idea what it means, so this doesn't make a lot of impact. pg 12: "meant to accommodate at least 10,000 refugees.” --ok, now I know what it is, but still not why. pg 12: “This is the part where I say, ‘there’s something behind me, isn’t there’?” --lol pg 12: “Rodents of Unusual Size, eh?” --I appreciate the reference, but it pulls me out of the story because then I wonder how these characters have heard of The Princess Bride. pg 13: good fight scene. pg 14: “Hopefully, that woman didn’t make more of these things.” --they were made by someone? I didn't get that part. pg 15: Interesting exchange, but I feel like I need more information about Seekers and people who use the moon's light for magic to compare. Do witches also use the moon's light? Or do they use something else, which is why they're considered unnatural? pg 18: repeat "horrible" twice in a paragraph. Aside from that, the fight is interesting. pg 19: "my guardian does no sleep, nor does he slumber" --not sure who/what this is. pg 20: "He can’t stand them.” --interesting that T only eats regular emotions. pg 21: good ending to this part.

Good character development and dialogue in this one, and I'm glad Q&M and E are finally together, but they still spent most of this chapter getting there. I'm a bit confused as to what exactly their plan is. I thought at the beginning of the chapter it was to defeat DM and/or find the mystery caller, but now it seems to be to go monster hunting? Also, I have no idea who D is and why he's suddenly part of the team. This chapter seems like it's veering away from the buildup and mystery of the last couple chapters. Interested to see where this is going and how much more story there is. I assume we're wrapping up, but this chapter introduces a new goal for our heroes to me. Notes while reading: pg 3: "I know where all the pieces are" --is this coming through the android, or over the ship coms? pg 3: "You can shatter skulls with a lever...Fulcrum just sits on his chull and hopes to be useful one day" --I appreciate this, as an engineer. pg 3: "Everyone else is gone, and I get the short straw again." --yeah, I really feel like I should know who this is, and I'm feeling stupid as a reader for not knowing. It should be going the other direction, that the reader feels smart and knows things just ahead of the characters. pg 4: "Okay, I grimace in the face of danger." --lol pg 4: "I’ll show you I’m good" --I"m not sure why the mystery caller is now eager to show Q&M they're good. pg 5: "But her harsh words ended in a broad smile, and he returned it." --good banter pg 6: "The heavily bearded individual with her" --did we know she found a companion or is this WRS? pg 7: "“This place must be rife with mosquitos...G eradicated them.” --great exchange pg 7: “MTs incoming!” --wait, what? How did they get here? and why are they hunting E? pg 8: "The MTs stayed down" --I feel like this is sort of a letdown. They've been touted as a sort of apex predator and they go down pretty easily. Given they're against armed people who know what they're doing, but still...no one was really in danger. pg 8: “You’re D?” --Should we know who this is? pg 9: "If T’s alive" --I feel like this should warrant a much larger comment from E. Did she know T was alive? pg 10: "But D’s a plumber…” --still very confused where he came from. pg 10: "I was DM’s partner for six months.” --huh. I was thinking it was much longer than that. pg 10: “You’re…?” --Does E know anything about DM's employer? Enough that she would get the meaning from M talking about "the boss?" pg 11: “He’s my friend. That’s enough for some people.” --yeah, I'm sort of with M on this one. I have no idea who D is. pg 11: “No really, a shotgun, please?” --lol pg 12: "but she shook off his grip and pumped her shotgun as she jumped to the frozen ground." --Why? They're in a van. Just drive off, or drive over them if you really need them dead. pg 12: "The beasts contemplated the noisy humans for a moment longer" --so did they shoot *at* the monsters or just near them? What just happened? pg 13: “These days I take the position that we’re all just people with choices in any given moment." --not sure why this is even a conversation. There isn't really any mention of sexual preferences as bias in this book except for DM, and he doesn't count. pg 13: "That leaves about over one hundred fifty terra-fauna out there.” --that is a lot more than I was expecting.

We're actually planning on doing some of the south island too. Roturua is on the list!

@Robinski, @kais, and @Silk, I guess I'll have to have a little ReCon all by myself then! I'm sure there will be lots of pictures. My wife is busy putting together a travel package for the week before, which looks Amazing...

Well guess who just signed up for WorldCon 2020 membership for New Zealand?? (it's me...the answer is I did.)

I got no test emails on Sunday.

I enjoyed that this had quite a bit more content in it pertaining to the plot. Some of the history rehash between Q&M felt like it could have come earlier, but it did lead to a good conclusion. Now I'm greatly confused about two things: 1) Q is going toward his son? Or did I read that wrong? Is he the person captured by Gen? 2) Mystery Caller was pretending to be TOM, which, okay, but TOM was giving orders to DM, wasn't he? Because if that was this same person, then they've engineering everything and I have no idea what their motives are. I was assuming this was either one of the techs or the person locked up, but neither really has access to this level tech, or to the freedom to call. Plus extra confusion cross-reference with 1) above. Seems like this is getting very close to tying things up, so I'm interested to see what's coming. Notes while reading: pg 3: "Cunning, crazy, brave little..." --is this is reference to her asking where they were going, or for rolling under the truck? pg 3: "or maybe yapped was a better word" --why? pg 4: "Is his CPU in his butt?" --lol pg 5: "Towards his son." --what now? If this means what I think it means, I feel this is something that has been seriously neglected before this point. pg 7: "which T and now E could link Gen to" ---Can they link Gen. to election fraud? I haven't seen any connections they would know about, especially T, who's been hidden away this whole time for all we know. pg 8: "The status of his relationship with M was similar." --to what? Charging? The android? pg 8: "“How about that?” She began to sob." --Good character development, but I'm not sure where all this is coming from. Q&M are both diving into stuff that happened prior to and in the first book. Why now? pg 9: "because the drone had visual sensors as all media hubs did." --We can figure this out from context. pg 10: "I think it’s all because you couldn’t save your wife.” --ok, that's a good line. pg 11: "That is a great relief to us all, I’m sure.” --lol pg 13: Does M know what's on the loose? Is that common knowledge yet? I don't recall Q&M learning exactly what is loose. pg 13: “Why would he do that, if you’ve been pals for so long?” --Are they? Did he say at some point that they were? pg 14: "“Nope, not once.” Mystery Caller reverted to his own voice." --ok, more confused now. The whole thing was set up by this person? And we still don't know who it is. I guess we'll find out next time?

Interesting story, though it reads more like the intro to an RPG than a book. I liked Tempter a lot, as he gave the story some nice levity. Got confused over all the role names and why they mattered if this is already half the story, especially why there needed to be three types of werewolf. Overall, there's a lot of telling and not much showing, which makes the dialogue stilted. It seems like part of a larger world, though, so good job on that. This half was mostly explanation of worldbuilding, thought, so I'm wondering how much content is in the second half. Character-wise, S is kind of one-dimensional, but Z is interesting and I like Tempter. Not sure what this means. I'm not familiar with it. Did a quick search on it and didn't come up with anything either. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Ea’s sliver could scarcely make it through the branches" --took me two readings to figure out this was a moon, not a character. pg 1: "The first rule any intelligent predator learned is that there will always be another predator higher up the food chain" --Except there's such a thing as an apex predator, and it seems like he is one of them. pg 1: I feel like bright- and light- will be confusing prefixes for wolves. pg 3: "His creature companion killed it" --Tempter? The small creature that can perch on a staff? pg 3: "His nocturnal eyes were hampered somewhat by his fire’s light, but Z had the good fortune of being taught by a skilled mercenary how to properly keep watch" --I don't know how much skill can keep your pupils from contracting in light... pg 4: hmmm, "light" and "bright" seem like they would be confusing compared to "dark" for wolf types. pg 4: "A grizzled veteran...late forties" --*lifts eyebrow* pg 5: The description of Tempter makes it much more believable it took down a deer. A hint of this earlier would be good. I assumed it was some sort of bird. pg 6: "If you’re a friend of his, you’ve got my respect" --has this person been brought up before? S just started talking about him for some reason. pg 7: "Seekers sojourn like a plague or a blight, ever cursed to never use moon’s light' --this is kind of clunky. Could take our "ever" and it would scan better. pg 8: "Anything else I could help you out with" --was he helping? pg 9: "And there’s something you should know about him. Tempter feeds off of emotions for sustenance, not food" --This is tell-y. A lot of this conversation has been. pg 9: "with the guild rank of half-moon " --I thought the half-moon referred to the moons' position in a few days, when S was talking before. --oh, he explains it. Alright, but still very tell-y pg 9: "This is why everyone hates Seekers" --because they use logic? pg 11: "mentally translating" --I thought it was pretty clear. pg 12: "He loved an inn, especially at this time of night. Z had arrived an hour before dawn" --Is the inn busiest right before dawn? I would have though late evening instead. pg 13-14: There's a lot of small talk on these pages that doesn't really do anything. pg 14: "took a sip of the red ale" --wait, I thought he said he didn't drink? pg 15: "Not that he wanted to run this Guild, but his type doesn’t exactly like not being alpha." --So is the guild all werewolves? Confused. pg 16: More confused. Z is a member of the guild? Is this the gramarye he talked about before? I don't know what it is. pg 17: "Can I enlist you on a Guild mission?” --this reads more like the beginning of am RPG than a short story. pg 17: "over the break of dawn?”" --strange phrase. pg 18: "His weapons marked him plainly as a Forger" --So the guild isn't for just gramerye people. Who is it for? pg 19: "Tomorrow at dusk, I’ll give the two of you this assignment and the information" --Huh? I thought he gave it to Z? And why wait for a day? --ok, so I guess they're going to work together.

Similar concerns to @kais on this one. It was an exciting chapter to read, but I feel like we didn't get much resolution. In addition, I really don't care about the cops as an antagonist to Q&M, so that decreases the tension for me. I feel like they should be up against DM and the beasts, not random law enforcement who is following them for...what was the reason again? Stealing a car? There are much larger problems going on. Mainly, I wanted them to escape so we could get to the real confrontation between Q and DM. pg 2: "busy subverting a national election that would shape the fate of nations, even worlds, busy trying to kill MR and TT." --Is this WRS or did Q know all this before? pg 4: "Ten supple fingers" --is there any reason to think that the android would have more or less than ten? pg 4: "enjoying the contact a little too much" --I mean, he did accept the massage... pg 4: "centrally enough" --centrally located enough? pg 4: "whacky" -> "wacky" pg 4: "Whatever had caused J to trust in that turd on legs?" --WRS again, or do we know what J was trusting DM with? pg 5: "I will read it. Shut up already!" --is this the caller talking to someone else? Confused. pg 5: "Oh, we sort of work together," --Are we supposed to know/guess who the caller is? Am I just being thick? pg 6: "But you do, Q. You just haven’t figured it out yet," --This makes me think it's someone we haven't met yet, and I'm not sure what I think about an unknown character being a Deus Ex plotpoint to feed Q&M information. pg 6: “She was lying. She’s still in play.” --who was? E? The Caller? pg 6: "unfathomable morass of migraine-inducing human testes" --very cool metaphor, but I'm not sure why they would cause Q migraines or why we wouldn't particularly like that anatomy. pg 7: "wished he was tootling around Europe with the formidably lovely Frau Professor " --was this one of the side jobs from the beginning? pg 8: “Awesome, possum,” --do what now? Very confused by what this means. pg 13: "saw three harnesses descending from the copter’s core. Mystery Caller?" --Why would he assume this? I thought the copter was with the police? pg 14-16: Good action here, but there's a lot going on. The blocking could be a little clearer on where Q is in relation to M and the copter.

I second this! Also, that is a lot of googly eyes. That clear shell looks cool.

I thought it was clear that Mor had pulled some sort of special protocol that E wasn't aware of but they clearly were, a bit like sleepers Yeah, I do remember that, but I wasn't clear on if that was some deeper protocol the techs were blindly following, or if they were actually planted to help DM cause chaos. Mor's task is just to cause massive chaos. What I need to do is add a thread with a ticking clock for finding TT. That is something that is missing although it's set up at the beginning in Creston, when it's clear that is what Mor will do, but then it drops out of sight. Like @industrialistDragon, I think just "causing chaos" is not really cutting it as a motivation. DM's done that. Why is he still here? At this point anything else he does just drops more breadcrumbs back to him. I did like the throwaway line about him resenting Q because of what he did to J. If you expanded this, if might bring DM and Q into more conflict, and give DM more reason to keep messing things up.

Sounds like something Mork would say... I haven't really found that being on a panel helps book sales at all. There's a strange dissociation between people sitting in a chair thinking "This person knows what they're talking about" and people actually buying your books. I'd also be a bit wary of going to the same con two years in a row with the same books, especially if you didn't make table this year. I've done six cons this year, and none of them were very good. I'm blaming the year (general societal apathy) as I did have a book come out in April, but that's one reason why I want to get Seeds 2 and 3 out before I do many more cons. I've seen people will snap up a series, or at least commit to the first book more often if they know there are others already out.

Well, I had little problem with E's section. It was some good emotion for her, and a sequel to the scene with the monsters. That said, It's again a transitional chapter. people are moving to places, but never actually getting there. I really want someone to just get where they're going and punch a monster in the face. The first two sections, however, didn't do a lot for me. I wasn't sure what the purpose of adding another POV for the sheriff was, when we basically knew that information. It could be encapsulated in Q seeing a blip that the sheriff is coming after him, recruiting other sheriffs along the way. DM's section was more of the crazypants plot he's going through, but at this point I've pretty much lost the thread. I guess now he's just sabotaging things and basically taking over the company with his own private army? I don't have a definite goal for him in mind. He's not actively going after E, Q, M, or even T. He's just loosing creatures, which he could have done at any time, if the two IT folks were already in on it. Seems like E's story is the most engaging one to me in this book. She's at the heart of the actual conflict, and having Emotions because of Things Happening. Even though Q&M are the titular characters, I feel like they've become secondary to her. Notes while reading: pg 2: "K woke with a snap." --hmm. I am concerned about another POV at this point. Or have we seen this one before? pg 3: "He splashed water on his face" --from...where? Is there a sink in the driver's seat? pg 3: "The footfall counter " --that's convenient. pg 5: "the dash screen capturing the message and replicating it for several seconds once he was past. " --now that's a good feature. pg 6: "I’ve got two bodies in Creston morgue" --they've already mentioned this, and I this point I feel they're just recapping the plot. pg 6: So, I'm not really sure what that first section added to the story. It's a new POV (or one we've seen maybe once before) and we didn't learn a lot of new information. pg 8: "She’s done here. I’m in charge. Read that back to me.” --I'm still concerned with how DM basically gets away with everything. He's obviously a sleazeball. Why do people just believe him when he starts taking over? pg 8: "They’ve pulled down two tinhats by the stinger and mauled them to death." --Have we heard of the tinhats before? What are they supposed to do, and for that matter, why are they putting a bunch of extremely dangerous and terretorial creatures together in the first place? pg 9: "A ladybug and a man ‘o war jellyfish" --okaaay. I guess that explains that...still no idea what they'd be used for. pg 9: “Remember what you signed up for, both of you" --so are these two actively betraying the company, or are they pawns? pg 10: weird italicization in the top paragraph of this page. pg 10: "Bring this home" --what exactly? I feel like I'm missing a large part of the plot pg 10: "draft in your prisoner" --who what now? pg 10: "Gamma Lab’s inmate " --still don't know who this is. Is it the guy from the first book? pg 10: "I haven’t spoken to my prodigal son-in-law since Cuba." --except they talked at the beginning of the book. Or is TOM lying for some reason? pg 11: "were loading more mangetouts into a new truck." --they're letting more out? I really have no idea what's going on. pg 11: "After what he’d done to J, rejecting her… " --has this been mentioned before? Good motivation, but seems late in coming. pg 21: "E took the wheel and steered out" --I was half convinced E was going to kill her or something...

I had some trouble with this image too. I sort of waved it off as "fancy future tech," but yeah, I stumbled. And now, thanks to @Mandamon, I will never be able to unsee "1950s housewife Optimus Prime." Shame there's only a few days left 'til Hallowe'en. I need pictures if this happens...