Mandamon

Thank goodness! In all, I thought this was a good chapter, if a little rough. We're back to Q&M's desperate bantering, which is always a plus. I though a few of the insults near the beginning were sort of generic, but other than that good. I'm mainly having a problem (somewhat continued from last chapter) with Q's motivations. There are more bits and pieces of his old life thrown in, but I'm still not completely clear on why he's so willing to risk everything in this. I think addressing some of the concerns in the last 2-3 Q&M chapters will help clear these up. And I believe this is the first completely new chapter I've read this time, right? On to new words! Notes while reading pg 2: "Plane was only the quickest way to " --the plane? pg 3: "they will hang this on me" --this what? escaping from the police? The murder? pg 4: "the dirty vial...it also represented proof" --I vaguely remember this from the last chapter, but do we know what it is or why M planted it? What is it going to prove? pg 4: "even without K being there to meet them" --Would K have any way to get there faster than them? Why is this a concern? pg 5: "You’ll crash us, you lunatic!" --I thought they were already crashing? pg 6: “Sometimes, it was just me and M.” --Good detail. So Q knows him very well! pg 6: "trying to scratch its own back" --it's trying to go in loops? pg 7: "Perhaps a suppressed desire to see J again?" --but she's dead, yes? pg 8: "blood rushing to his sense of the ridiculous." --I don't think this joke quite (heh) landed... pg 9: "Going up against completely unprepared" --up against him? pg 11: "The android straightened easily," --There wasn't anything about the android in the wreck. What happened to him? pg 12: "whipping its head back and causing it to stagger" --hmmm...how resistant are the androids? Can they be stunned? I would guess Q would just hurt his fist on the android's metal face. pg 13: "As you know, a good punch can seriously injure a human.”" --huh? But Q punched an android. pg 13: "The Merrion and everything else" --oh no! I'm surprised Q didn't swerve back to get it. pg 13: "it was a symbol of his separation from a life that he was very determined to leave behind, but which had caught up with him at last" --I'm not fully convinced on Q's change of heart yet. The suit was a big part of the last book and he went to great lengths to keep it safe. I haven't seen that big of a shift in his personality yet.

Totally depends on how much one puts into critiquing, I suppose. I would tend to suggest two purely from the POV that I will probably pick up my guitar and learn/play along in addition to reviewing the lyrics. Also from the POV that I would prefer to be more focused on one of two different things, if you see what I mean? I'd also say maybe two at most. It actually took me about the same time to critique the song as a 2-3k entry, just because I had to think more in depth about the words.

It's for a shared-universe anthology. The key part of it is how the syndicate corporations fight each other.

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Great points on the personality. I'm going to have to find some other places to punch this up in the first section. It's going to be developed a lot more in the next few parts, but it sounds like it's just not working here. Some of this may be the cyberpunk genre, but yeah, I'll work on the personality. From what I've read of this universe, a lot of it focuses on how bad and dystopian the corporations are. That's good, as this will lead into the next section. There's hope! Speaking of hope, the submission period ends on the 10th, so after that I'll be waiting to hear if anything actually comes of this...

Yay! Another Falcon update!

Not an acronym, just slang, at least as far as I know. Goodness knows where it came from. *pushes up nerd glasses* It was coined in Heinlein's Stranger in a Strange Land as meaning "to fully understand a thing."

I guess I'm in the minority that I had several problems with plotting and timing on this chapter. First, I don't think it actually adds anything we don't know, and along with the strange changes in E, it makes things confusing for me. Second, something's not right about the sequence with E and M "finding" what happened, but I'm not sure what. I think E should catch on that M has already done the work and is getting her to go over it again? Third, this disbelief continues with E just sitting around for 3 days until actually doing something. Her type of personality wouldn't sit still until she'd found something. This exactly. Unless there's been a change in the first few chapters, this is a big emotional shi Notes while reading: pg 3: "had no interest in how his health was." --what does this have to do with the opacity of the windows? pg 3: "Usually, he liked nothing better than to pick at any difficulty" --he sort of did anyway... pg 4: “Who reports to you.” --Agree, this is a bit of a stretch. Glad E calls him on it. --also, M seems to be a very good actor. pg 6: "It was the end of T at Gen., but it didn’t have to be E’s swansong, unless M wanted it so." --It doesn't really have to be E's either does it? She already stated she and M had equal blame (from her POV, of course) pg 7: "she could not access the security footage in the service areas without a second senior sign-in" -> "M brought up a paused view of the loading area from a high vantage" --so E needs another sign in, but M doesn't? Also, she seems unsurprised that M already knows this much when he sent her off to find out on her own. pg 7: “Wait. You need to see the rest.” --yeah, so M's already got all this queued up and ready, but acts like he doesn't know what's going on when she comes in. pg 8: "How about explaining why you didn’t call me the instant you found this?" --finally, she starts questioning. pg 8: "There was nothing. He had her." --no, she's already stated that he's at fault too. If she's cornered and fighting, I expect her to bring that up, even if it's not going to work. She just gives up. I don't believe she'd do this. pg 9: "What followed was an evening of handwringing..." --again, I just don't believe this. If nothing else, she should be searching to find the accomplice. I'd expect her to stay at work until M removed her kicking and screaming. pg 9: "The day after her suspension..." --all this too. E has something on M, even if it's slight. She knows he at least is at partially at fault for negligence, if not what really happened. I'd expect there to be a lot more negotiating, especially for someone in her position. pg 10: "drank a little, cried a little, railed at her screen" --E has gone from being a stone-cold b**** to wailing and crying over her dead girlfriend. What happened to getting to the top by any means possible? pg 10: "Waking late brought E headaches and realisation." --a lot of this reads as a vehicle to get E to a certain time in the plot. She basically does nothing for several days. pg 11: "What if she’d sent T away on the spot?" --sent her away when? pg 14: "Sunday evening" --hmmm...and this is Wednesday. I really don't believe E would just sit around that long. pg 15: "Let’s not pretend they aren’t killers." --If he's this knowledgeable about them, and so concerned about people getting hurt, why aren't the police out in force ready to defend YK? pg 16: "smiled a leathery smile " --he's far too calm. pg 16: "she would not let a scumbag like M take it away from her" --except she basically did. pg 18: "why hadn’t an S&R crew wound them then" --wound them? Missing a word? Wounded? Also, I'm wondering this too. The police managed to find this scene, but not the company personnel actively searching for them? Or is this something else M isn't actually doing? pg 18: "Mostly deer, she guessed" --this is a looooong way to go before saying the MTs haven't killed anyone. We learned about the "kill site" three pages ago and I can't believe in all the time to get there, the police wouldn't say that it wasn't a human. Even if they were playing coy, E should be able to see in their reactions that they weren't going to "go national," in the sheriff's words.

Lol--if Mrs. Robinski gets mad at you for writing too much, I'm not taking credit for it!

Yes! And before this point. I have a lot of comments about how they move below. Overall, I thought this chapter was good, but there's a lot of things that could be tidied up about the fight. I didn't have much trouble following the physical action, but this is where some of the worldbuilding starts to fall down because it hasn't been set up enough. Mostly this chapter is very tense, and moves fast. I've marked some sections where it doesn't. My two biggest concerns were 1) I don't know how mannequins move (do they have joints?) and 2) A's silence is disappointing. Now that we're into the supernatural part of things, I would expect A to play a much bigger part. Instead, they've been replaced by a sword. Notes while reading: pg 1: "wishing A hadn’t expended so much of his energy earlier with the bones" --Yeah, in retrospect, that does seem kind of dumb (or plot-ful) to have done that when you know you're on the way to fight a big evil spirit. pg 1: "Perhaps they’d temporarily abandoned the work site because of the haunting and expected to get back to it any day." --This gets back to the worldbuilding question of who many people believe in ghosts and how seriously. pg 2: "The construction equipment was still, but I pictured it bursting to live any minute, controlled by ghosts I couldn’t see." --Wait, are they at the mill or a construction site? Are they renovating the mill or something? Maybe you mentioned this before and it's WRS. pg 2: There's a long aside here about religion and acceptance. It's a good discussion, but I'm not sure right here is the place for it. pg 2: "large door at the bottom of the building" --This is the mill, yes? Is it in the construction site? I'm confused by where they are. pg 2: "the ghosts" --This is plural now? I thought the one in the mannequin was the only one? pg 3: "You have any input?” --This sounds too old and analytical for E. Maybe "thoughts" or "ideas" instead. pg 3: "and rubbed her lips together like she was trying to even out the amount of gloss on them." --that's a strange comparison, especially for a young-ish person. pg 3: "wide like in most mills" --how many mills has E been in? pg 4: "We know that M is possessing a mannequin, and that she can turn other people into mannequins. We know that if we look in her eyes, we can get turned into mannequins." --Except...they don't really know any of that, do they? They assume both, and I don't think there was ever a test of the eye thing. pg 4: "old fashioned earplugs." --They're not really old fashioned. They're still in general use. Maybe "simple earplugs" or "plain earplugs?" pg 5: good tension so far, though. Searching through a creepy mill builds up the suspense a lot. pg 5: "D’s Mom" --or, you know, E's mom. pg 6: "Maybe I need to actually wear this around my necks for it to work.” --1) where did these come from? 2) necks -> neck, 3) why wasn't that the first thing she tried rather than keeping it in a pocket? pg 7: "led us to another construction worker turned mannequin" --Another??? was there a first one? pg 8: "But the mannequin just stayed lifeless and still" --I don't think anyone's identified M as the source of the song, though it makes sense. Also, we haven't yet seen the mannequins do anything BUT be lifeless and still. They're mannequins. Can they actually move at all? pg 8: “You think I would let you trap me so easily?” --ok, well I guess she speaks at least. That's more than we've known about M so far. pg 8: "Plastic feet clanked on the floor." --Ah, so they can move. pg 8: "I almost screamed." --Almost? I think I would have screamed and probably wet myself. pg 8: "They inched towards" --Details here! We don't know how mannequins move. Do their knees bend? Do they shuffle creepily? Does the plastic move, or do they shift at joints? There's a big chance for a creep factor here. pg 9: "But A didn’t come out of the doll." --This is starting to get annoying. Is there any hint of why? Did A just exert too much, or is there another reason? pg 9: "Don’t look in their eyes or anywhere near their faces, and don’t stand too still. Keep moving, even if it just a little." --I was going to ask if the eye applies to all mannequins, or just M. Is not standing still just so they don't freeze up, or for some other reason? pg 10: "Maybe I can cut through it with the blade.” --I'm assuming this is the sword of unknown powers? pg 10: "would all the mannequins all rush me?" --How close are they? I feel like they're pretty close for E to be able to swing at them, but standing that close and not doing anything lessens the tension. If they're that close, I would expect one of the kids to make a run for it. I mean, they're just mannequins, after all. pg 11: "slashed it down across the stomach of the allegedly still alive construction worker" --huh? I would assume they would target Dar. because it doesn't matter if that mannequin gets messed up. pg 11: "Dar. broke the circle wobbled closer." --missing a word. Also, "wobbled" is not very intimidating. pg 11: "lurched me like a zombie" --"at me," also, There's a lot of description of feet/legs moving, but not of hands. A person is going to react to reaching hands a lot more than shuffling feet. pg 11: "hot plastic hand closed around my wrist" --better, but this is the first time a mannequin's hand has been mentioned. Do the fingers bend? Does it have joints? pg 12: "because my old dog " --nope, don't need a flashback to another dog right now. We're tense and in a fight. This kills the tension. pg 12: "White stream poured out" --is this one of the "alive" ones, the "empty" ones, or the "ghost" ones? Important to know if E just killed a person, or released a ghost... pg 12: "Her foot got stuck to it." --like stuck to it's torso? This is a new and terrifying thing they can do. They don't need to use their hands then. They can just walk into E and D and stick to them. Why did they even try to weave a net? pg 13: "but not the one that had her." --redundant. Obviously not. pg 13: "and ghost energy hissed out " --so the ghosts do this? And the empty ones just lay there, I guess? pg 13: "plastic mannequin I’d knocked down, which had been slowly crawling towards me." --crawling is also very creepy. pg 13: "I looked back at the one the ghost had one into " --Something wrong with this sentence. pg 13: "There was a crunchy pop and the mannequin’s arm came out of its socket" --when did they grab on to a mannequin? I lost something in the blocking here. pg 14: "as it turned to rotten flesh" --the ghost mannequins do this? Ick, but they haven't before. pg 14: "A may not have turned up to do his share of the fighting" --this doesn't feel right. Their "magic power" of A fighting from a doll has been turned into a different "magic power" of the sword, which basically replaced it. It feels like a let-down that A didn't engage the mannequins (they? he?) told the others about.

Thanks @Silk! And thanks for the LBLs as well. As usual, @Robinski is correct! I'm glad you agree on this. I ended up submitting the one he suggested, which I think nicely avoids some of the stake problems for Y at the beginning and some of the other problems with the ending. Ah. Need to clarify this. It's a residential area but also very tightly controlled. I was thinking more implants, as cyberpunk tends to go more that direction, but I can flesh (ha) this out more. Thanks again!

Very cool! This is the first time I've had someone read (sing) their submission to me for critique! It made it very easy to think about the lyrics as I listened. I think we all need to follow this trend now... ;-) This song actually spoke to me quite a bit. Having been happily married for 15 years, I always get vaguely annoyed at all the songs that say we can do anything with love where it instead often takes a lot of work. This song has some really nice, realistic implications. Overall, I liked this a lot, both musically and through the lyrics. Musical theory is not my strong suit, but I'll take a stab at that and writing critique for the few lines I took notes on: "But your love means the world to me" -- This is sort of the catchphrase of the whole song, but drawing out the words so long makes me think there could be a word or two added to the line to make it scan more closely with the beat of the line. It feels a little bare, but on the other hand, that's really all the line has to say. Adding more words may dilute the meaning. suggestions: -But your love always means the world to me -But your love just means the world to me -But having your love means the world to me "Some days, I can’t help but wonder / If somehow I’m really missing out" -- This is the only phrase I felt wasn't doing any work. You have a "some" and a "somehow," both of which don't give us much information. I feel like these could be replaced with more meaningful words. "But every night my peace starts with you lying next to me" --vocally, "peace" is hard to intonate well, which means the end of it can get lost, leading to it sounding like "pee," which is unfortunate. Maybe something like, "But every night starts out with you relaxing next to me," which seems to also scan with the music, at least in my head? "make me strong enough / To change the world or heal it of its griefs" --This struck me as strange where the line breaks. The first part sounds like you're saying that love can't make me strong enough (period), which is about the only thing it *does* do well. Then the rest of the line explains the rest of it, but it picked me out of the song a bit. I really enjoyed critiquing this!

Nice progression. There's a lot of tension and anticipation here with the train coming, and it leads to a surprising yet inevitable conclusion we're all waiting for, that they get to (or have to) ride in the train. Sooo...is THAT part the attack or the lantern coalescing? Because the attack takes up a good portion of the chapter, and I really like some parts of it. I think the last half gives a lot better impression that the first half, which is lacking in some emotion. Because the lead up is also pretty long, but sort of scientific and sterile (from Z's POV) it loses some of tension that could be there. When she loses control, we get a lot more from it. And if THAT part is the lantern coalescing...I think it could have a much bigger impact. Right now I just don't have enough to get the significance. Is the type of lantern the significant part? That it happened at all? How it happened? I'm left sort of confused and thinking I should know more than I do. pg 1: Very cool epigraph. Makes me wonder who Z's parents are communicating with to help her out. pg 3: "if that was why people always told her that she should smile more" --lol. I see that's a problem in this world too... pg 3: "if it was going fast enough that the wind in its wake was strong enough to yank you off you’re feet--well, it would have passed us by now. And we’d be dead, alcove or no" --you're -> your. Also, R isn't completely right. I get that he's never seen a train before and probably doesn't have an engineering degree, but he's written as "the smart one." so...I haven't done the calculations of course, but the wind (I believe) is a function of the size of the tunnel vs. the size of the train. Depends on how much air it displaces, as to how much it's going to suck people after it, not just the overall size. Also, you can hear stuff a long way away in a tunnel. pg 3: "far right of the alcove" --I'm not sure where they're placed in the tunnel. Were they camping right on top of the tracks, or is there a platform to the side and then another alcove farther on? pg 4: "Four lights, all different colors" --have we been told what colors they are? I don't feel like we have, but might be WRS. pg 5: "She could already feel it happening, felt herself crossing the brink." --I want a lot more detail on this. I feel like she's having some sort of anxiety attack, but then she just starts talking. What is happening? What does she feel? pg 6: The stream of consciousness distraction is a much better way to describe this, but I still don't get a lot of emotion from Z. pg 6-7: This part is better, but I'm afraid that all the emotion in this section comes so much after all the other description that it starts to get lost. This is where we really see Z's attack, her mother's resolution, and how it passes. There may be too much ahead of it, diluting it. pg 8: The coalescing is cool. I like the description of how it happens. pg 9: "A yellow flame burned atop a plain white candle." I feel like this should have a lot more impact than it does. I can't remember what a candle signifies. She's a scholar? Is that important, or just that she has a coalesced lantern now? Or that the virus has taken hold on her? This goes back to the problem where I don't really know what the soul lanterns do or how they work. YOu make a point to tell us this above, in the intro, but I want the story to show me what it means. pg 10: “The train,” R said. “It stopped.” --I figured they were going to end up taking the train in some way or another. This is a good "surprising yet inevitable" moment.

Yay! Back to progress pics.

Very similar comments to @kais and @shatteredsmooth. I thought this was a lot better and the emotion works better. The flashback is no longer confusing, but it still stands out so much that I fall on the side of taking it out. It doesn't really serve any purpose that can't be made in a few sentences, and you can give much more emotion to Mama by her dialogue, rather than epistolary recounting. Z's emotion is much better, and really gives the last page a cheering moment as she realizes she has friends. Great edit! Notes while reading: I like the epigraph on this one. Has some nice worldbuilding questions. pg 2: "someone she thought was becoming a friend suddenly stopped talking to her without explanation" --Has this happened a lot? I thought the village was pretty small. pg 4: "Z noticed that the spear had a point on the butt, which hadn’t been there the last time she had seen Mama." --I'm not sure what this means. Both sides of the spear are sharp? I also don't know what would cause a soul lantern to change. pg 5: M's attitude is more believable now. She's still talking back, but mama is also not taking as much from her. pg 6: "She couldn’t remember a single moment in her life without light." --also some good worldbuilding. pg 8: "that soul lantern you’re carrying around" --I'm not sure why mama would think this is a soul lantern. Can they be separated from their owner over great distances? If so, wouldn't she be more concerned that the kids had stolen one? pg 10: the revelation with the letters is a nice but of character building. Don't think I mentioned that last time. pg 11-13: On the flashback. I think the only thing it does is define "friend of misery" a little better, but that could be handled in-world fairly easily. Having the change in style and font detracts from the tension of the story to me. We don't really need to know this much about the grandmother. As you say, Mama could sum this up with a couple lines, which is what would actually happen in the story, rather than going to a flashback. You can also inject Mama's emotion from the telling, rather than a sort of sterile account. I'd say take it out. pg 14: "I was no friend of Misery, never have been, never will be" --This is a better explanation than last time, and means the one in the flashback isn't needed. pg 18: "completing the wedge formation" --also cool. pg 20: The hug is also well done. Mama knows how to stymie teenagers. pg 21: A quick LBL, @Robinski-style: I think the last line would have greater impact if it was two sentences, rather than linking the train to the first sentence. Something like: "and fell into a deep and peaceful sleep. It was interrupted hours later by the sound of an oncoming train."

Thanks to @shatteredsmooth, @kais, and @Robinski! Sounds like this is coming along. Since the deadline is Sep 10th, I'm going to focus on picking the 1000 word section and applying corrections there first. Sounds like something in the middle around the fight will work best for the submission. I would as well for sure. On its own though I'm not sure the ending hits hard enough. Yes, this will be the first of four "episodes" (following the VR show format). I'm guessing the final version would have them all together, so no waiting for the next part. He's actually in space. This will start developing a lot more in the next episode (Y and D go shopping!), so I'm not too concerned about it here, but I'll try to add a few more pieces. Thanks all!

Yes, these were a little uneven, but there are the bones (ha) of some good stuff. Mainly I want more reasons behind what happens, but what happens moves the story along. To your questions: I think it's less that things happen quickly--I thought chapter 8 read well--but that they happen without explanations. I think there does need to be a chapter break, but the beginning of ch 9 can be cut down a lot. Too much time on logistics of riding bikes on a road. I was fine with it. More that who would jump to the conclusion that crystals glued to a wall held hidden drawers? Notes while reading: pg 1: "Images of skin turning blistering red and charred black" --is this prior experience, or do they just have a very vivid imagination? This is reading as the former to me. pg 1: "If the police found us here, they would take us to the police station, ultimately ending our quest to save our moms." --very concise reason for avoiding them and having the kids on their own. pg 1: "police say two people speeding away from a burning house on bikes, they might think we set it on fire." --fair enough. Also "say" -> "saw" pg 2: "What if the mannequins and ghosts had gone there after leaving Delilah’s house." --oh, we're assuming the mannequins started the fire? I mean, I guess, because they're the villains, but I've yet to see signs of them doing complicated things, or even moving fast. pg 2: "One thing that I think kept me from just giving up or falling behind was thinking about G,and what would happen if there was a fire, and he was up there all alone with no one knowing where he was." --We're also assuming the mannequins will set the office on fire? I hadn't made that conclusion. Also, I don't want to say E thinks *too* much about the dog, but he's driven a lot of the story so far. pg 3: "I thought I might have lost him." --I didn't jump to the fire scenario, so the sense of relief doesn't work for me here. I never believed he was in danger. pg 3: "wriggled out with a sword" --a what now? pg 3: "sword in my backpack?" --also, a sword in any sense of the word would not fit in any backpack I know of. pg 4: "G’s ears were back and he was panting, a sign the moving books were stressing him out." --Yeah, perhaps too much time given to making sure the dog is calm and not, you know, the two human characters. pg 5: "Did you ever try to open one? Did you see your mom put them there?” --this is stretching my disbelief a little. Between swords in backpacks that may or may not be important, mannequins maybe starting fires, and assuming that crystals on the walls lead to hidden drawers, there's a lot of jumping to conclusions. pg 5: "When I knocked on the panel of the wall around the crystal he was barking at, it was definitely hollow." --eyebrow raise. pg 6: “Is she saying I’m not human?” --again, jumping to conclusions. She's just saying these people exist. She hasn't identified anyone. pg 7: "There is NOTHING that can help me..." --after reading parts of three pages... pg 9: "If Mom were tied up with a similar kind of energy" --but she's not a ghost... pg 9: "but something in it also buzzed with energy." --it would be nice if we got some foreshadowing of this ability in the first few powers rather it just coming out of nowhere here. pg 10: "Tears kept escaping her eyes" --why is she crying? Ah...probably because of the fire in her house, but I think this needs some connection to the previous chapter. pg 10: “I don’t know what to do!...” --ok, here we get some explanation for D's emotion. Maybe put this earlier? pg 12: "Its hands held the hilt of the sword they kept insisting on me taking." --This is a pretty complex sentence, defining "it" as the doll, but "they" as A and the intention behind the doll... pg 12: Hmm, I think these are good as two chapters, but you might need more transition between them. We go from discovering things in the office to riding for the mill with nothing in the middle. pg 13: "Any one person in a car could open their door, knock me off of my bike, and snatch me." --I mean, yes, but this also wouldn't be the top thing on my mind while trying to fend off a kidnapping mannequin and rescue my mother. pg 11-13 sort of wander. There's a lot of mechanics about riding bikes on the freeway, when the goal here is to get to the skeletons in the lake. Speaking of which... pg 14: "The water was full of floating skeletons" --and no one's noticed this? pg 15: "All twelve jaws moved in unison as he spoke" --that's gristly. pg 15: "Twelve children." “Why do you think they washed up here?" --this happened about a hundred years ago, right? No chance these skeletons have not been discovered by someone. pg 15: “Because I hid my bones.” --ok, so the bones are a recent thing. I think we need some more explanation of how the mannequins can do...anything. pg 16: "before I even knew she was actually capable of turning people into mannequins" --I also think there needs to be a lot more setup of this being a thing and at least a hint of how it works, earlier in the story. We have a vague idea that this can happen, but no idea how, which reduces the tension for me. pg 17: "I had the option of calling Dad" --it's a little late to contemplate rejecting the call for action. E's sort of committed. pg 17: “I know the risks, but I have to try and save my Mom.” --yeah, I thought they were past this already. Pg 18: "In front of them, words appeared on the ground in messy, childlike handwriting" --That...honestly probably going to hurt the investigation more than help. Leaving them undisturbed would keep the police from asking questions about how they got out of the lake.

Not anywhere near first for once! Work has been...yeah. Anyway. This one started pretty rough, but smoothed out about halfway through. I'm still not sold on the events in the hospital, and Q&M's relationship with the police, but I'm glad they're moving on quickly to catch up with the other chars in YK. Same. This was one of the main problems I had with that scene. Also yes. This is an excellent line! I agree that this needs fixing as well. I was caught in the action of the moment but upon reflection, I think @Silk is spot on here I'm going to (gasp) disagree a little on this one. There were several lines hinting at a previous relationship with Q and Mor working at the same company, a blowup in California (maybe? somewhere.), and that Mor was the one who took his kid away. At the moment I think it's enough to drive the reader to know that Q has a vendetta and will not be completely in control around Mor. I will also echo that the car/plane chases were well done and very action-y. They kept me reading! Notes while reading: pg 2: "which made no sense" --I really like both of the analogies, but one right after the other reduces the zing. Also, the second one really doesn't make much sense ;-) pg 2: "preceded him into the room" --except he was already poking his head in the room? pg 3: "There was something else in his pocket." --confused here. The vial was in Q's pocket? Am I right in assuming it's the same yellowish stuff in R's mouth? Then why is it in Q's pocket? pg 4: "He shot us with riot control stun darts" --Oh? I did not get that. I assumed it was gunshot in the last chapter, from the force of the hit. Would darts have that much mass? pg 4: "switched places with the young man?" --switched with who? Wasn't there still a body in the other bed? pg 5: "Q was going to prison unless he could prove M was here" --Where did he go last time? Did we find out? If he went out the window, there'd be a sign. If he went into the hall, I guess he managed to evade both of the officers outside? Also, it is certain the Q is going to prison? Why? He and M were both shot, which is a good indication they didn't do it. pg 5: "good a biding anything" --a -> at pg 7: "It had ‘pumps’ still --Why the quotes? pg 7: "it was a total mismatch" --what was? pg 9: "sent their car plunging up 14th Avenue as the back window blew out." --I love the car fighting desperately to obey traffic laws. pg 10: "Without any intervention from its computer" --ahh...I like the sentiment of this, but the car control module is likely buried pretty deep and any damage will just brick it. I'm willing to let it go on handwaviuw because it is pretty awesome. pg 11: “It was B,” "He'll cut us off from the hotel." --what did B do and why is he at the hotel? --Edit...ah, got it. He was in the other police car. Took two readthroughs. pg 12: “…remote immobiliser. You idiot.” --okay, now my suspension of disbelief is going. M managed to smash the autodrive without bricking the car, but there was still enough computery stuff going for the remote immobilizer to work? pg 13: "you terrible waste of chiselled cheekbones." --Nice backstory slid in here! pg 13: "You weren’t even arrested; we were just talking.” --I have to (sort of) agree with the cops here. pg 15: "M took the son I never wanted away..." --Aha! Some motivation! pg 15: K's first name is...S h r e k?? pg 17: “message him that we’re coming..." --I assume this is 80, but maybe needs a tag. pg 18: "And it remembered my birthday.” --Lol. pg 18: "My job title at E Corp was Executive Pilot" --that's new and interesting! pg 20: "The android was standing at the side of the road with their cases at its feet." --That's...fast. I wonder how it got there? pg 21: "1060 millimetres, giving a margin of 530 millimetres" --aahh, that's plenty.

Here's version 2 of the cyberpunk story. It got a little longer, of course. Let me know if things make more sense this time, including the cyberpunk slang and the situation between the two syndicates. If it works better, I'm interested in which selection of 1000 words you think works best to submit as proof of writing chops. Below are some options, or feel free to suggest another! Option 1: from the beginning until “Access hatch on your six!” Option 2: From “We’ve got their feed,” to "It was done." Option 3: from "All his systems" until the end of the piece. Option 4: ???

Thanks to @hawkedup and @kais! I had a moment of panic, since I rewrote the whole thing yesterday, but I think I captured most of the things you tagged. The jargon is mostly de-jargoned, or has a better explanation. I think I made a bit more connection with the MC as well, and punched up the ending to make it clearer. We'll see it goes next week! It's an in-world term. Basically androids. Thanks! Yeah, this was strange to write, poking my head out of the Dissolutionverse for a bit. Have a good flight!

Confirmed that I have Words To Submit.

Tell me about it. I've got at least 8 more Diss titles in mind, plus two completely separate stand-along ideas, plus maybe a sequel to Fruits, plus about 4-5 non-fiction titles!

Looking forward to even more Q&M!

Fortunately, I'm not very affected by motion sickness! Thanks for the alternate opinion. I'll see how I can temper this during rewrite.

Depending on how much I get done over the weekend, I may try to submit 1000 words on the revamped cyberpunk thing on the 22nd. I guess hold me a space and I'll let you know if I don't get finished.

That seems to be consistent. Cyberpunk (in my experience) tends to drop you in the deep end, but seems like I need to explain some more. Yeah, this didn't feel complete to me as I was writing. I need to find a better way to introduce the stakes without infodumping too much. The Al term, Mag, Naj, FX team, and H-Man are all existing in-world terms. The rest are ones I made up, so I can change those. That's right. Again, I think this is where I need to put in a little more explanation. For all these tech things, I'm imagining far-future tech, where everything is integrated and there's a lot of cyberpunk magi-tech. I think changing the glasses to goggles is needed. I was going for an homage to Gibson's sunglasses in Neuromancer, but I think it's just confusing. For the rest, maybe if I set the scene a little better, the tech will start to fall into line (including the whiteCells as an antibody and innate thrusters...) Ah, it's a martial arts term. I guess not as well known as I thought. Yeah...I was trying to do something cute with this and it's not working. Sort of that the system is corrupt and keeps says it's clearing up the infection while it's obviously not. I'll make this clearer. Yep, probably needed. I'm going to chalk it up to writing the whole thing in a day in the back of a moving bus... ;-) This is from the universe documentation, that they can change appearances. I was taking it to mean they could be any star, in the sort of corporate dystopian "we just need a good face, though we don't care who you are." Thanks a bunch to @shatteredsmooth and @Robinski! I think you've definitely outlined the parts that didn't work. I'm going to take another stab at this and maybe submit again. The final application deadline is Sep 10th, so I want to get something that works well for the 1000 word submission. At the very least, I may just submit the 1000 words and see if that writing sample works on its own.