Mandamon

Don't worry about it. Well, this entry caught my interest! This has me wanting to read more than anything else so far, and I'm wondering if you can re-edit things so this becomes the first chapter, because this is a heck of a hook! The biggest problem I had in this section is people telling other people what they're feeling, or personality quirks. It sort of makes sense with the reveal of Z's state, but I don't know why the other characters do it too. Clarifying this and restricting it to Z's character could really bring her out. Notes while reading: pg 3: “I’m not sure I understand,” Z replied. The truth was that she actually had no issue lying to a priest. Why did a priest deserve more honesty than anyone else?" --This is sort of a weird thought. I think the larger issue is that she has no problem lying to people, in general. pg 3: There's a lot of description of the fiesta. Didn't this group have really important information? Why are the sauntering through the festival? I'm trying to remember from a couple weeks back. pg 4: Ah yes, something about a demon. pg 5: “I use sarcasm when I should be afraid.” --There's a lot of this here. Characters tell their personality traits to other characters. You should usually show instead of telling, but in this case, I'm not sure these side comments are even necessary. pg 6: "This implied that Monique was sincere and her worry was unselfish." --this is another place. The more I think about it, the more I think it may just be a show/tell thing. pg 6: "Z didn’t experience emotion like most people, and she had always had trouble reading social cues as Papa called them." --ah, this is a much better reason for having those remarks I was talking about. Except all of the characters are making them, not just Z. I think you could bring this out a bit more in the description and wording for Z and it could be very powerful. pg 8: “Abuelita. It means grandmother.” --That's...a weird explanation. I'm not sure what the "turn of age" is, but people would probably know what a parent of a parent is called, even if they die off quickly or something. pg 9: "extra years because my father didn’t make it past sixteen" --I did not get the indication that the whole town was under 40 at all. I feel like this needs to affect the entire village life, if this is the case. pg 10: Interested in the turn things have taken with the egg... pg 12: "That wasn’t correct, but Zulema nodded." --eh? why? pg 13: "I am… I used to be the God King." --very cool... pg 13: “This message will only play for one who is not infected." --I'm guessing this has something to do with the soul lanterns. pg 15: Very good ending! I want to read more. Still not really interested in L's POV, but very much so in Z's.

He is actually supposed to look like a Meth... Good comments. I'll adjust this. Yep, I'll work on this. My bane for this book! Urg. Re needs a lot of adjustment. I'm just starting to get into this on my edits, so hopefully I can streamline his character arc and make it feel more deserved. I think the way I'm heading will make this switch seem more likely. This may be an effect of having too many character in this scene. Great comments, @Robinski and @industrialistDragon! This is exactly what I need to beat this book into order. I'm already seeing some improvement from the edits I've done so far.

Hello all! Second to last entry! It's almost at 6000 words because I added a few in edits (of course). This one focuses on everyone who wasn't in last week's chapter. I could probably split this into two, but I sort of like how everything rolls up to the end. Let me know what you think. In addition, I'd like to know if the timeline on M's section of the chapter makes sense, and if you can fit it into what is happening in the rest of the book. Alright, rip it to shreds! As usual, all comments are welcome. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting. Re manages to meet with the coalition, learns E and I's true species, and confronts E. E trades herself for I and S takes I in. The rest of the cast gathers at the wall, and meet the Eff. They learn some new things, then the chime stops as something comes through the wall. We go back to E, who discovers the Coalition's headquarters, and meets some new, strange friends. Back to S and Co at the wall, who finally find out what the chime was all about. We drop in on M, who showed the new two-house recruits what's he'd been doing. Meanwhile, S and I go through the wall with WW, and find out what's on the other side. E learns about her species from the others, and fends off an assault. Re observes one of the LC attack the Eff, but discovers a way to create a portal to their base. Meanwhile, S and I explore the new facet with WW, and meet the ruler of that facet. M and co start work on the Device, and E learns more about the L.C. S and WW go to a new House, and Sam learns about a surprising ability. We switch to R and Co, who are infiltrating the LC's headquarters, where they come across a room of surprising artifacts.

Oooh! Very nice! I like the hallway sticker.

Yep yep. I dropped the ball on this one. They should definitely be wondering where E is. I think the whole thread of them trying to get her back sort of got lost. I'm working now on making her capture/sacrifice work better in Ch 7-8, so hopefully I can pull that line through all the way to here and fix this hole. Hopefully these both stem from the same issue. I'll work on getting the tension up and giving more substance to why they're doing the things they're doing. On a meta note: This book is a lot more morally gray than the first one, and I think some of it came from my experience writing Fruits. I want to continue writing more like this, but I need to make sure I stack up my reasoning so it's surprised yet inevitable... Thanks @kais and @shatteredsmooth!

Planning to submit for next week. Two more entries to finish this thing off!

Oh wow. I was under the impression this was going to be a Moby Dick-style novel! Especially with all the buildup at the beginning, I feel like there's way too much introduction for a story of this length. Like the others, the "thesis" of the story comes in page 12, far too late. For a story this short, we need it in the opening paragraph to let us know why we're even reading. All the wandering around looking for clues seems very long for such a short work. I'm wondering if the next section will have enough content of chasing and fighting the monster to make it worthwhile. [Prescriptive, so ignore if you wish] Overall, this was written well, but I didn't really feel a connection with the characters. I think you could introduce your concept of "kill a leviathan to save her person" very early on, skip a lot of the searching for clues, and get right into character building between A and Captain R. [End Prescriptive] Notes while reading: pg 2: So far this is kind of interesting, but nothing really hooks me. pg 5: The switch to italics is strange. Is this A's POV or the story from the other man? pg 6: I guess that was the captain's story? Why is it not just in quotes? pg 7: confused again by the italics. What does this have to do with anything? pg 9: H's objections at least give some emotion to the story, but so far I haven't connected to any of the characters. I don't know anything about them. pg 11: “But if we’re traveling the southern route now, you aren’t taking advantage of that.” --very confused. He told them the serpent was noth, so most people are south. But that's where the serpent actually is. Then he also goes south to find it...and A accuses him on not taking advantage of going North? I'm really not sure what's going on. pg 12: "Can I kill such a magnificent creature?" Finally, a motivation. This is the most interesting thing in the story so far. Lead with this! pg 12: Annnd back to story italics. I'm really not sure how this connects to the story. Is the O-phage the same as the leviathan? pg 14: "I know you don’t want to, but if we come across the serpent again, we have to kill it.” --Ok, so the crew and A are on the same page. Sounds like she could have just stepped forward and said "I want to kill it too. Let's work together." pg 15: Well, she is asking now, so that's good.

The conflict between "Western" and "Ancient Greek" doesn't really work for me. I think because these are two cultures that have nothing to do with each other and you're just smashing them together. If it was like ancient Greece, and they acted similar to cowboys, that might be ok. But they are literally swearing by Zeus and talking about rustic schoolteachers and other western tropes while speaking in a frontier dialect. I keep getting thrown every time one or the other is referenced, because I can't tell where the setting is supposed to be. Is this an alternate history where Ancient Greece colonized America? Is it just a reinterpretation of how Greeks thought? I want something to act as a guide to the world, but I'm getting two conflicting guides at the same time. The story however, I have little problem with. I'm interested in the Channels and in the relationship between J and Uncle D, and what will happen going forward. I'll reserve judgement until I read them, but I suspect if prologue 1 and 2 are a year before the main story, you could simply make them chapter 1 and 2 and avoid the questions about why you call them prologues. Notes while reading: pg 1: The first paragraph leans to purple prose. I had a little trouble getting through it to the story. pg 1: "if there were outlaws with beer guts that could support a whole stack of books." --I don't see any reason why there couldn't be. pg 2: "lacquered wood with metal components welded on off from atop his horse’s rump." --awkward pg 4: there's a switch from "you" to "yer" somewhere in here. I'm not sure I'm convinced by the dialect yet. pg 7: "I am the fear. Grrr" --lol pg 12: "Her recessive arm, her left" --her what now? The pace and tension of this were good, as was the story itself. I'm just having with the setting, but it's enough to throw me out.

I had a similar reaction to @shatteredsmooth. A little lost in the beginning, not enough reaction to the leg breaking, and intrigued but confused at the reveal at the end. Overall, this was a good submission, and definitely makes me want to read more. I think you could trade off just a little of the description with a few more sentences to explain things. You do say the shadow is the king's only daughter, so I have to conclude that if the prince is L's brother, does that mean she's really the person the shadow is? Was there a switch at some point? Notes while reading: pg 2: "just so he wouldn’t go home completely broke." “You hear me?” --The switch here threw me out. Previously, the chapter is background and seemed like it was happening after L got out of the barn. Then we find out we're right in the middle of the action. pg 5: "His leg snapped with a sickening pop." --If he's face to face with a guy 15 feet tall, then J's feet are only about 9 feet off the ground. Less if the general is holding him up by his arms. You could break your leg from that height if you fell badly, but J's also a soldier, and his feet are under him when he falls. pg 5: Yeeeah, still not on board with General C. He seems like a danger to everyone around him. I have no idea how he became a general. The other general's reactions to the broken leg are pretty subdued as well. pg 8: "She contemplated monetarily using the dumbwaiter for the water but decided she trusted her legs more than her arms." --first, typo on "momentarily." Second, what does the dumbwaiter have to do with her arms? Why not put the heavy load in it and go up the stairs? --Oh, does she have to pull a rope with her arms? That makes more sense. pg 10: Good banter between L and M, though it perhaps goes on a little long. pg 11: “Your secret’s safe with me.” --what secret? That she wants to meet the prince? I would think any palace servant would be excited to meet royalty they haven't met before. pg 17: Interesting turn! So does this mean that L is really the princess? Then who's the shadow? I'm a little confused since G recognizes her, so why couldn't he have done something to facilitate this? Why leave L on her own? I'm hoping some of these answers will come up soon, but the story is definitely picking up!

Hopefully after editing the previous chapters, this will be more even. I think this is worded poorly. I'll try to tidy this up. Yeah, I think it's not consistent with the other reaction S has had. I'll have to smooth these chapters over to make sure they're consistent in reaction. The Diss has largely been contained to M's sections. Hopefully things will come together at the end, so let me know if I followed through. Thanks @industrialistDragon!

Lol. Love the pictures!

This was well written, but still, I have...issues. I know the current view on prologues is negative, but that part wasn't a problem for me here. It's definitely an ending to a big event and show how the world gets into the state it is for the start of the book. I have a feeling there will be a lot of shattered old tech, so it makes sense to see it when it's new. To your questions: How do you feel about the conflict? Why? --The main conflict I didn't really care about, because I have no idea who the two side represent. As to the personal conflict, I was on board with the MC's desperation, but I felt no one else was questioning his obvious madness except the one woman who was immediately overpowered. So there wasn't much chance for actual conflict. Is what I’ve written interesting? What about it (if anything) is interesting to you? If not, why? --Definitely interesting. The glimpses at the magic system is neat, and I like the idea of a magic "sub realm." What questions does this makes you ask (if any)? If the answer is no, why? --Mainly, what happens next (which is good). I don't really have questions about what happened because it seemed everyone was going to die anyway (which isn't as positive as it sounds). Is there anything you feel I do well? If nothing, how can I improve? --Good tension, and good hook, especially for a prologue. Is there anything you feel I do poorly? If nothing, what can I strengthen? --the first page or so is confusing. Could be tightened up. However, my main problem is with the lack of reaction of anyone else to what the MC is doing. He accuses E of being a traitor and everyone just goes along with it. He kills two people while others are watching and no one comments. Basically no one even tries to stop his plan from going through. He also straight up kills his daughter when he could have saved her, at least for a few more minutes. I mean, unless he is totally sociopathic, he's got to have some reaction to that. Most importantly, does this intrigue you enough to want to continue reading? --it does intrigue me to learn more, especially since the world has just changed. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Wardens fallen, their bodies changed, distorted and turned against those they had once called friend." --This reminds me a lot of Brian McClellan's Powder Mage series. pg 1: “This is madness,”, "I knew you were mad, but this?" --Reads as redundant. She's basically said he's mad the first time around and then says she already knew he was mad... pg 3: "he said, addressing the man across " --There are other people in this room! Also, I was wondering where the daughter had disappeared to. pg 4: "a newly forming black eye. Tried to force her" --eh? Forced the warden? Just to come in a room? Why? pg 4: "as First Warden" --if this is the leader of all the soldiers they're fighting over, maybe lead with that description. pg 6: "When A kills E" --what now? They're all just going to blindly accept a charge of treason? The warden isn't even going to ask for any proof? And the punishment is death? pg 8: "Was no one else willing to make the sacrifices necessary to save humanity?" --I'm actually fine with the MC's motivations to do this. You've shown he's desperate enough. What I don't get is that no one else questions him. pg 9: "though both wore matching expressions of muted horror and anguish" --but didn't protest at all... pg 11: "Behind him, one of the two M-J gasped." --No, they'd have to be fully cognizant of what's going on. Otherwise I would expect a lot of protest way before this point. pg 11: "Both were dead. He should have warned them to Ascend, to disconnect from the m." --Wait what? One of these is his daughter, right? You don't just accidentally forget to tell her to do a thing that will keep her from dying.

Hello all! We're back with the main group again this week and, well, tell me what you think. I quite enjoyed writing this one! 19 out of 21 chapters and an Epilogue. As usual, all comments are welcome. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting. Re manages to meet with the coalition, learns E and I's true species, and confronts E. E trades herself for I and S takes I in. The rest of the cast gathers at the wall, and meet the Eff. They learn some new things, then the chime stops as something comes through the wall. We go back to E, who discovers the Coalition's headquarters, and meets some new, strange friends. Back to S and Co at the wall, who finally find out what the chime was all about. We drop in on M, who showed the new two-house recruits what's he'd been doing. Meanwhile, S and I go through the wall with WW, and find out what's on the other side. E learns about her species from the others, and fends off an assault. Re observes one of the LC attack the Eff, but discovers a way to create a portal to their base. Meanwhile, S and I explore the new facet with WW, and meet the ruler of that facet. M and co start work on the Device, and E learns more about the L.C. S and WW go to a new House, and Sam learns about a surprising ability.

Good point. I can pump this up. Yep. This got dropped while I was writing. I'm going back and adding more references. He's about 18, but yeah. very good assumption! I'll try to clear up these references. No, just me missing things. WW was originally "she" and I changed the pronouns, so there's some typos hanging around. "Prophet" is the title for the (singular) member of the HoT. I'll try to make it consistent. Yep, I definitely agree. I have some ideas about upping the tension. I have an idea about this as well! Thanks as always @Robinski! Your comments will help me target the specific sections that need work. I'm going to have to make the second draft of this adhere a lot more to my original concept, which I think got dumbed-down when it went on paper (or electrons).

Coming along!

A: Could you edit out his name, please? Thank you. Done! Sorry, I usually catch these.

I would also like a spot if possible. Only three more entries, and I'll be out of your hair for a while.

I actually put this in specifically because of what you said about Seeds! I wanted to make it very clear that medication does work for some people. Glad you caught it, @shatteredsmooth.

Thanks to @kais and @shatteredsmooth! Glad this worked. Yeah, I'm hoping to adjust this emotional reaction a lot in the rewrite. Not that this Eff isn't sketchy, but I think I'm getting the wrong reaction with the Ari and need to change my phrasing a lot. Ha, totally works though! This is very much Hero's Journey stuff with the Aged Mentor. This sounds a little contradictory, but I think I see what you're going for. You say there's a lot of talking, but not enough reaction. Then you want deeper discussion and exchanges. So I think I need to stay on each topic a bit longer, and maybe give away some more "secrets" to add tension? I'll ponder on this. I also felt the lack of tension you're talking about and wasn't sure how to fix it. Yes. There's only (or two) at a time. Heh. This was fun to write after all the buildup. I need to do some research on this as well. It's sort of half-formed, and depending on how much I write which includes this species.

Glad to read another submission and see where this is going! I think I'm the opposite of the other posters. I enjoy L's sections much more than G. I thought the first section dragged a bit, and could be tightened up to increase the tension. I had this problem with both sections. We don't really need "doctoring" blow-by-blows. You can say that you treated them and maybe throw in a few things like heating up steel for cauterization and cleaning the wound. Especially if you're not personally an expert in the field, giving general details lets people create their own scene in their head. The world is starting to come together and I want to see more of it, and especially learn more about where L is from. Notes while reading: pg 2: "thin layers of petrified wood" --uh, this is basically rock, if you are referring to the same substance we have on Earth. Thin sheets would be first incredibly hard to cut and second very brittle. pg 3: "While G considered it a waste of water, and knew that he could probably get away with letting the blood dry" --so basically he's a pretty terrible doctor. pg 4: "a flask of disinfectant made from fermented gellegmite onto the wound until it frothed." --this is what hydrogen peroxide does, not alcohol. Obviously, this is your creation, so it can do whatever you want, but it seemed weird. pg 6: the continued discussion of step by step treatment is getting a bit long. We know who the patient is, we know why G is scared. Talking about the situation more is starting to decrease the tension. pg 6: "The fact that he was the town’s only doctor had kept him alive for many years now, but he was long past his prime." --We already know this. It can be cut. pg 8: This first section had some good worldbuilding, but could be cut way down and get the same information across with more tension. pg 8: "New journal entry, she logged" --where? Does she have some internal recorder? pg 9: "her left arm severed at the shoulder." --so this is recent? I would think she would be much more off-balance if that was the case. pg 10: "Which I ought to be doing about his home" --indeed. She seems to be...not very good for a former general. pg 11: "two-foot distance she’d mandated" --that's really close. An adult arm is about three feet long so this is in easy touching/grabbing distance. pg 14: "“Forgive me miss, but did you lose an arm on your way up here?” --That's a weird and intrusive question. Does it look like she just lost her arm? pg 16: "living here hadn’t hardened the boy." --He must have had a lot of protection. I don't really see any other way. "And both of them had enough muscle between the two of them" --ok, so he did. pg 19: "too dangerous to perform life-saving maneuvers on a man with a stab wound" --what's he going to do? Die more? pg 19: "Dozens of scarred raiders grinned at him," --where did L go? Surely she saw this group of people coming.

First, yes, this is a much better introduction to the world. We get the cultural sense you were talking about, and if you are aiming for a younger audience, this one is much more in that genre than the first chapter. My biggest issue is the length. There is a lot of extraneous talking and description in this chapter. Getting to the inciting incident (discovering the demon is friendly) in the time that a younger person is still going to be untested is crucial. Right now, even I was skimming and I've read all of Wheel of Time... I think you could tighten this up into a really powerful and engaging first chapter. On the positive side, I really like the soul lantern aspect and want to learn more about them! Notes while reading: Pg 1: This immediately has a much more Latinx vibe than the last entry. pg 3: "There was a tall woman on the other side of the door" --since they both know this woman, it's weird to introduce her by description than by saying who she is first. pg 5: There's a lot of smalltalk and not really useful description in this. It could probably be streamlined a lot to bring out the important parts. pg 7: "It was annoying. It wasn’t even an accurate insult. She still had one of her parents." --yeah, that's just...weird. Not a very good insult? pg 7: "After the theft was revealed, the pueblo turned ugly." --yeah, but "orphan" still doesn't make any sense. I would expect something like "thief's daughter," or "betrayer," or something more related to what the town was upset about. They weren't upset her mother left--they were sympathetic. They were upset at the theft. pg 10: "There were no guards to stop them, of course" --why not? pg 10: “Get out your dimmers,” --this is a cool in-world consequence! pg 11: "The God King’s color." --willing to accept this for now, but does no one else use blue at all? It seems like a a really strong aversion if it's the first think Z notices about the room.

Engineer pron...

Not to hijack this thread, but yes. I thought it was really good!

This was the biggest sticking point for me. I think there are enough ideas here to make a novelette or novella easily. Cramming it all in this space is sort of confusing, and there's no chance to get any reactions out of it. I was also very confused about this. There's not enough time to explain D's relation ship with M, or why she would build him. As @JWerner points out, we don't even know what the robot looks like, except that he's metal and has feet and a needle. There needs to be more blocking with the italic phrases. After about page 4 I was mostly skimming to get to the end and find out what the heck was going on. I agree completely with @hawkedup. Good idea. Needs to be longer to get the emotional effect. You tell us that M is broken up about her kid dying (somehow), but there's no breathing space to show her reaction.

Hello everyone! Back to S and WW this week, for more new and exciting things. I'm going for a sense of wonder again, so let me know if that's hitting. Aside from that, do the revelations in the chapter make sense? Is there enough reaction (probably not). As usual, all comments are welcome. Only three chapters and a short epilogue left in the story! However the word counts are 5400, 5750, and 5870 (including the epilogue). I'd love to submit these as individual chapters, but if that's taking up too much bandwith, I'll figure out the best way to split them up. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting. Re manages to meet with the coalition, learns E and I's true species, and confronts E. E trades herself for I and S takes I in. The rest of the cast gathers at the wall, and meet the Eff. They learn some new things, then the chime stops as something comes through the wall. We go back to E, who discovers the Coalition's headquarters, and meets some new, strange friends. Back to S and Co at the wall, who finally find out what the chime was all about. We drop in on M, who showed the new two-house recruits what's he'd been doing. Meanwhile, S and I go through the wall with WW, and find out what's on the other side. E learns about her species from the others, and fends off an assault. Re observes one of the LC attack the Eff, but discovers a way to create a portal to their base. Meanwhile, S and I explore the new facet with WW, and meet the ruler of that facet. M and co start work on the Device, and E learns more about the L.C.