Mandamon

@Robinski, I'll bring some change to WorldCon ;-) Seriously though, that helps a lot to pinpoint where things are breaking, and I think you're right on him not selling out E. I'll have to do some reworking on his motivations or introduce something else to make him change his mind.

Thanks to @kais and @Robinski! Yep, this section needs help. Yeah, I'm thinking it's going this way. I'd still want to keep M in there, but R's sections could all be translated to E or Re pretty easily. Yep yep. This will be helpful in slashing this section down and putting in more tension. 1) Thank you for all the notes on how the political stuff isn't working and 2) this is an excellent suggestion and I'm stealing it! Especially with Re being a POV character now, I should clean up the lingo. The problem is I've used all this in the first book, so I'll have to figure out where to change so it's still consistent. Interesting point. It's not a big plot point in the book, but is a side-arc. I feel like Re was almost a blank slate in the first book because he's in so little of it. If you don't mind, how do you see his personality, and how do you see this as a change? I have my own assessment, but don't want to taint yours ;-)

Annnnddd...another chapter on the 1st, unless someone strenuously objects.

Thanks @industrialistDragon and @Majestic Fox! I've been feeling there was something off with this chapter, and these help me figure it out. I'll see if I can either cover new/exciting ground with R's POV, or remove it. Interested to see what everyone else thinks. Yep, I totally agree. This is often a failing of my first drafts, where I get the plot ideas down but don't devote as much time to sensory details. Thanks for catching this. This will help me figure out where to layer that in later on.

Thanks @Atium! I can clean those parts up...

Yes, yes, yes The payoff for this storyline was a sort of Eureka moment when I was writing the end of the book. I'll leave that horribly vague for now and hope I can pull off the landing... ;-)

I quite enjoyed this! My main concern was that it took a little long to get to the main core of the story--really on page 4 of 9. If we had some early indication of what was going on, I think that would pull my attention in sooner. I really liked the alternating POVs showing the two sides of the conflict. One thing that threw me off was that J had killed an ogre, so I was expecting S to be something related to that, not a completely different type of monster. We get a lot of great character building for J in the latter half, so putting some hints of that in the first half will help show the reader that something else is going on and make them pay attention. Notes while reading pg 3: ‘Someone in the village said you impoverished them.’ --interesting pg 4: "Becoming a mentor was a dream of his, and this girl was not the first person to try and apprentice herself to him." --I feel like this could be shown earlier on to build J's character earlier. pg 4: "knat" -> "gnat" pg 4: "It was too dangerous to send her back to her village alone" --why? We don't know how far outside the town they are, nor what dangers might be around. I assumed if J killed an ogre, the rest of the forest might be pretty safe. (Edit: this would be a good place to throw in that shapeshifters are a problem, or state that there was a war, or something) pg 5: "who had followed him across the valley." --here we see some distance, but it comes a little late. pg 5: "She had been holding the shape of the little girl too long" --cool pg 6: "hep" -> "help" pg 6: I like S's POV, but I'm not sure what she is. Not necessarily bad, because it gives a good sense of "other." Edit: we learn some more on the next page. That helps a lot. pg 9: "But she had never seen a human gift his own blood to an enemy who sought to take his life." --very nice ending.

Hello all, Chapter 6, and we get Re's POV again. so let me know if his dialogue comes across well enough. As always, let me know what you think. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character notes, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being. E and R discuss the revelation, S visits the Eff in a private audience, and M continues recruiting.

Yep, point taken. I'll see what I can do to show they're being quiet about things. Yeah, this is a part that needs to be in there, but I'll need to take another pass at it and spice it up. Probably need to split it out into it's own chapter. I think I've always had a greater understanding of the Eff than my readers, so I need to figure out how to get his reputation across better. By the end of the book, you'll definitely know more! Hehe. Just wait. will do. Hmmm...now thinking about a short story to go along with the future kickstarter for these books... Though if you write this, please send it on! Lol. Only 5 chapters too late! One of these days, I'm going to write a novella set on that homeworld, and I'm going to need to you to act as a research consultant... Thanks so much, @kais and @industrialistDragon!

Yay!

Looking forward to yours too!

Thanks @Robinski! The comments will definitely help me clean this up. Lots of WRS from the first book in this chapter. Hopefully it's just you? But I'll see if I can add a little more intro to some of the side characters from the first book. This is actually a tie-in to Journey! Ta-da! #iagreewithshatteredsmooth Yeah, I'm thinking I may need to separate S's POV out into it's own chapter and expand, or something else. Aheh...three, actually. M's POV is scattered through the book, but there is a reason, I promise!

On again for the 25th. Going to keep submitting this thing until someone stops me!

Ah. I think I can make this clearer. Yes, anyone from the house of healing could do this, but E was considering using her Ari powers, so I was intending to show she wasn't thinking enough about being a majus and sort of panicking. Thanks!

Awesome! That's just what I want. Excellent. I can cut this back then. Can clarify. Yes, using Ari abilities, but not to change to someone else's, just to change the focal length of her eyes. Ari don't have to assume a specific other body. I'll try to clarify. I was intending their conversation to be masked by everyone else in the seats around them. Think about having a private conversation in two seats at a football stadium, or something like that. I can clarify that they're speaking quietly. I agree. I think I may need to stick another section in with S's (or someone's) immediate reaction to the reveal at the Assembly, rather than him thinking about it days after. Thanks so much, @shatteredsmooth!

No, I agree something like this should come at the beginning, to give plenty of time to work it out in the story. I don't dislike J for it, but I feel like he's the only one who isn't stepping up, and it's his child. All the others are accepting of the situation and making plans. He's just a ball of wimp. Maybe look at the proactive/competent/sympathetic sliders for J to see where he's not engaging with readers.

If you've got enough coordination to twist a balloon animal, you can do martial arts...

Glad to be reading more of this, and I'm looking forward to the full release! Answers to your questions: 1. The very opening Epigraph feels kind of forced, and I think the first few lines need a better hook. Once I get into it, it keeps my attention. 2. I read the first book, and this was a good level of refresh to get me re-acquainted. 3. Ehh...yes and no. M comes across as confusing because there needs to be better blocking around where she's communicating from. Aside from that, she's still directing and helping out E, so if she's a mess, she's still capable enough to help others around her and keep it controlled. 4. The whole pregnancy thing makes me question him a lot more. I was on board with J in the first book, after we get explanation as to what's happened to him. Here...he's made some really poor decisions. 5. I got feels from it. Plenty of PDA. 6. I noted one or two places below. Notes while reading Pg 1: I'm not really feeling the epilogue as a start to this book. It's a bit like trying to mush together a recap in 100 words. pg 3: "J was all sharp angles like broken glass", and "J actually looked like a healthy weight instead of a skeleton with skin and hair." --These two sentences seem at odds, especially in the same paragraph. pg 4: "the voice of my conscience, also known as..." --Wait, is M in this scene? She hasn't been mentioned yet. From reading on, it seems like she isn't? Is E talking to her over a long distance? I didn't know M could do that. pg 4: I get that E is anxious over graduation, but I'm not sure why. You mention they were excited until the events of the first book, but I don't understand why they aren't excited now. pg 4: "You’re testing my meds, aren’t you? I thought at M" --Still don't know where M is. pg 5: "I turned around, opening my Sight to look at the family section of seating" --Okay, so they're all in the audience. Might need to get this blocking earlier, or at least mention it. pg 5: "And M, my mom,..." --I didn't get this was M talking until E answered. Might need a tag. pg 6: "and returned my seat, my chest felt lighter." --This also seems contrary to their bout of anxiety at the beginning. I understand that anxiety doesn't make sense a lot of the time, but maybe E can make a guess, just to keep the reader from wondering and popping out of the story. pg 9: “A little over three months pregnant,” --Ok, was not expecting that. I guess these folks don't use protection? pg 10: Very tense section! Well done. I'm still wondering at how it happened, but I suppose I'll find that out later. pg 11: “I did now.” --took me a minute to figure this out. I think it's supposed to be “I did not.” pg 12: "But this time, I was ready for her." --good section, and I think this introduces things again well for the second book. It needs a little more something at the beginning as a hook, but after that point it keeps my attention. pg 13: "We definitely exceeded the temper’s breakpoint.” --Bamboo swords were tempered? Is that possible? Enchanted in faerie I understand, but is tempering the right word? pg 13: "like he was the one who had just spend the past hour testing is body’s limits." --which he probably did, from how keyed up he was. pg 14: "I kissed him." --maybe a little more blocking here. They were separated, with M holding a hand out, then kissing. pg 15: "be a normal eighteen-year-old" --Eek. Definitely should have been using protection. pg 15: "N is teaching E how to siphon energy from fire?” --Where did this come from? Need some sort of transition in here. pg 15: good last line.

I'll trade you martial arts techniques for balloon animal instruction!

He only pops up here and there, but I'm really enjoying his different take on things! And yes, I've got plans! Books 2 and 3 were originally going to be one, but I figured I could sell two 100k books more easily than one 200k book! Which means what was originally book 3 will probably end up being #4 and 5...

Hello all, Here's chapter 5. This is slightly longer than 5000 words, so apologies. As always, let me know what you think. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. Previously: E coaxed S out of his room after a strange chime went off. The maji are interested in S's new house. R got some information from a source, and M wants to restart the Society. R reveals the location of the Coalition's headquarters, but can't get there, and everyone is called to the Assembly, where the Coalition unveils an ancient being.

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! Yeah, I'm going to have to feel this character out. Please let me know what conclusion you come to as the story progresses. There are some plans for his character in the 3rd and 4th book, so I want to introduce his POV (and I seem to be on the right track with everyone disliking him!), but if he's too annoying, I can modify.

Ah--thanks. I can clear this up. Lol--disappeared in a puff of plot! I did it a couple times. It's either this or repeat "Majus." I'm not a big fan of it either, so I'll have to see how I can change it. Well, he is feeling the vibrations... Yeah, mostly because it's his POV and he's talking more. Yep. I'm debating on several of the POVs and how necessary they are. I'll go back and change things after I finish this draft, so keep me informed on what you think as they develop. Thanks @Robinski!

This should become clear around chapter 8! Thanks! I'll see if I can work that in. Lol! Basically they have high-speed transit. Portals only work at distances of about half a planet's circumference, so they're only good for long and interstellar distances. Thanks again, @Robinski!

Thanks again, @Robinski. Glad you like the different voices. You've got some good comments on this one that will help me clean it up a bit. It does let the natural grammar of the species shine through, which is why they all have their little quirks. But I should probably fix this one ;-) Yeah, this is still a little shaky. I'll need to get better reasoning behind it. It didn't, but I liked his voice so much in STH, I had to put him in! Sort of...let me know what you think.