Mandamon

Ah yes, I do remember reading this now. This would be a perfect thing to bring out more. Make him afraid of snapping his neck if he does something wrong...

Thanks @Atium and @industrialistDragon! Yeah, I think I'll have to pull back on this a bit. Glad to see you around again! Perfect. That tells me exactly what I need to do. I might still do a quick plot recap before, not sure, but I'll definitely cut this down to just the connections. Lol--glad I got this reaction! There's more of this later. Ha! Yeah, i waffled over this. I don't want to call E and I his GF/BF for some reason. It feels closer that that already to me. Dunno. I'll have to ponder.

Generally I agree with @kais and @shatteredsmooth. I like the concept, and I think the powers are cool. Using actual physics with powers is always fun. You just have to be careful not to overpower someone accidentally. For example, if he can control time, he can pretty much do anything, right? Like Kais says, this is revealed too early to leave any tension for a full book. This is more of an end battle than a beginning battle. The whole thing actually works fairly well as a short story. Another book series to read is by Larry Correia. I'm not very fond of him as a person, but his Grimnoir Chronicles are very good and have elemental magic similar to what you have here. I think the area of limitations is where you're going to get the most mileage. The powers are cool, but if you can find ways they don't work, that makes them even more fun. For example, how long can a primal tap into whatever powers they have? What if it's only for a second or so, because the power is too much? I'm thinking something like YoYo in Agents of SHIELD. She can move incredibly fast, but only for the space of one heartbeat. Anyway, good concept here, and I'm interested to see you develop it. Some notes while reading: pg 1: intrigued so far. pg 2: I like the money/flower conversion. A little unsure on how Emma is a sniper. is she also superhuman? pg 3: "I focused, gathered my nexus, and used it, triggering it as I hit the ground. I barely felt the impact." --so he's got some sort of gravity power... pg 4: "Enhanced. It’s a term we use for people who have an augmented human ability. " --I think we've figured this out by now. pg 4: "I slid in a fresh earpiece and dialed a frequency." --this seems odd. He just has a second earpiece? Wouldn't it be able to be tracked like the first one? pg 5: "“That’s kind of odd for a strength enhanced.” --but he's not strength enhanced, is he? Because he couldn't hold on the I-beam at the beginning. pg 5: "Just right of it was T." --wait, who is this? pg 6: "But you’re no spark; contained, loose, or live. You’re a gimmick. Your power is a gift, temporary at best" --not really sure what's going on here. Are their powers temporary? pg 7: not sure I understand the difference between an enhanced and a gimmick... pg 7: “TAKE IT. That’s an order.” --Is he in some organization with hierarchy over E? pg 7: as this goes on, I'm less sure what's going on. Grey is now Russian? And has other powers? confused. pg 8: “I’m a primal. Time. I kept it hidden because there’s no way Von Jolt would get anywhere close to me if he knew I was a time primal.” --ok, cool from a physics perspective. The reveal needs some work, though. pg 9: “Like there was a chance of Jolt beating you.” --Something's off about this. He's set up as being weak to start with, so it's an unreliable narrator, but also just lying to the reader. The reveal isn't satisfying.

Thanks to @kais, @aeromancer, and @shatteredsmooth! Great comments as always. Seconded. Star Wars is name, job, race, planet of origin, such as Luke Skywalker (human Jedi Master from Tatooine). I did appreciate it because, as mentioned earlier I haven't read SoD, but I'd agree with kais's points about them being too long. I like the suggestion to break this up between a quick summary and quicker introductions. I think there was enough going on in the first one to have a summary. At any rate, I'll cut it down. Good point. They do discuss it a bit later, but I'll see if I can bring it up earlier. These are great points. I think I went a little too far in regressing him. He does come out of it more or less once he gets out of the apartment, but I can take this section back a little and let him show his growth more. Er, no, not completely illogical! I still haven't decided how far I'll go with this part, but in any case, it will probably be in book 3 (and later!)

Once again, I agree with @kais. This continues to be very well written. Not many comments, as I thought it was well done, with good tension. I also second that this definitely has the energy for a short story or even a novelette, but might not be able to hold it for a novel. The magic reveal after the makeout was well done, and flowed nicely. I did notice some minor sentence construction things in the makeout session, but those will probably get taken care of during editing. Notes while reading: pg 1: "“Don’t you dare tell you don’t believe now,” he gasped, not making any effort to move." --Not sure what this is referring to. Something from the first sub? pg 3: "“No, A, this is real. Don’t you dare write this off as a symptom you don’t even have.” --Is P hearing their thoughts, or figuring out A's feelings in some other way? pg 5: I like the (quick) tarot reading.

Thanks @industrialistDragon! I'll see if I can adjust things a little more tonight on the last pass. It's going out to newsletter members on Tuesday!

Hello all, Here is the beginning of the sequel to The Seeds of Dissolution. I subbed this back in December, but this is quite a bit different. There is also a "Dramatis Personae" before the first chapter which should bring you up to speed if you haven't read the first book. Reactions on anything/everything else is appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing. I'd also like to know whether the "Dramatis Personae" works, or whether it sounds too pompous, or if it works at all.

I'd like to submit again on the 18th, with the beginning of the Seeds sequel! New and improved.

Thanks to @shatteredsmooth and @kais! Glad to hear this works better. Yay! Good points on the blanket of air. I wanted to include this to have a pointer to the general audience to show that L is autistic, especially since they might be more familiar with some of the associated comorbids (thanks for the word, kais!) from "Hollywood autism." I think it's working? Can definitely pull this out more. I think it was in my mind, but didn't get translated to the page. Thanks so much for making these observations. This really helps me with writing this character. I intended him hitting the wall to be a reaction to the others urging him along when he wasn't finished with the equations yet. L is using that input to help calm down from the stress of having to leave his room, if I understand stimms right? O has always been a sort of gray character. He does what he wants even if that sometimes isn't what's best for everyone else, so from the comments, I think this is getting across correctly. Thanks again for everything--I think I can clear up the little stuff with a few words here and there.

I think this is definitely some of your best work so far (and I see @kais agrees!). I got sucked into the story, even though there wasn't a whole lot of plot going on yet. As kais says, this is a great beginning for a novella or novelette. I think I have a higher limit for description with a lack of momentum, but I'm looking for something big to happen at least in the next chapter, whether it's between A and P, or with the magic. Speaking of which, it sounds more like magical realism to me, but again, the magic hasn't really been explored, so it could go either way. It does sound very much like the pitch, so I don't see any problem there. I didn't have any problem with the pronouns either. Notes while reading: pg 1: "further onto that little strip of land that belonged to no one" --Some confusion on this. Has the land been sold or not? If it's been sold, then A is trespassing, and that they haven't spoken to family in a while makes me think the land was sold against A's wishes. pg 2: "land that someone else technically owned" --ok, so it has been sold. pg 9: Ok, P's a little intense...

Overall, this wrapped everything up, but I definitely think there needs to be more with the separation ceremony and less with the coronation and sitting around beforehand. You could probably cut some of the first two pages of this section to give you more words to work with. My main problems were: 1) Blocking. I didn't really get what was going on where in the ceremony and the separation. 2) The separation: This is the whole point of the story. The ceremony really doesn't even matter except for the (somewhat plotful) reason they have to make the glass there. There's also no explanation of how M. made this giant sleeve, or a description of it once made. I was having a very hard time visualizing it. 3) Emotional reaction from M and O after the separation. There really isn't any. Notes While Reading: pg 1: "She held two round loaves of bread and three thin glass jars of juice in her hands" --on a tray or something? pg 2: "spend the blank note " --I think I got a little lost along the way. M sent it? But is it her money? And it's just for whatever amount? If she isn't actually the princess, then where did it come from? pg 3: “So the glass?” --This is a weird non-sequitur and threw me out until I realized what was going on. I though they were talking about the glasses of juice again. pg 4: "killed livestock and little kids" --I feel like these shouldn't have the same emphasis. pg 4: "a dwarf komodo someone hadn’t thought to leash properly" --so it is just wandering around eating people's toes? I find the culture which lets these obviously dangerous animals run free kind of suspicious. pg 5-6: I had to read O's bluff several times to figure out what was going on. I think we need some indication of what's O is going to do, because if it was me, I'd just let the guards seize O. pg 6: Maybe it's just me but I'm not picking up what O is selling...He sounds ridiculous. Maybe because I don't know of any customs that would support this? pg 9: "threw pot after pot at the cooling sleeve" --wait, why is this happening? I think I need some blocking to know what's going on. The whole throwing pots section is confusing. pg 10: "O rolled to xir back" --I though xie was standing straight up in the sleeve? How big is it? Need some description. pg 10: "Blisters deflated. The red faded from xir skin." --Are the dandelion seeds magic, to heal blisters? pg 11: “It’s done.” --hmmm...yeah far too short here. Needs some more emotion, or reaction, or something. pg 12: "Perhaps they would eventually make one that brought O and M closer than xie and B." --like lovers? I didn't really get that from O and M.

One more time around and thanks so much to everyone for helping to pull this into shape in such a short time! I've included the whole piece again, but you don't need to read all of it. I've grayed out the sections which haven't changed much. It's still 5000 words, but a lot of that is also the same, so feel free to skim. Mainly I'd ask you to focus on: 1) Even more motivation in the beginning, and O's desire for recognition a few paragraphs on pgs 1-3, 239 words 2) L's scenes / K's unfamiliarity with males: pg 19-24, 1487 words pg 32-33, 387 words pg 34-35, 271 words 3) O's reaction to killing pg 26-28, 889 words 4) why the mother didn't sing when threatened pg 29-30, 546 words 5) sticking the landing at the end pg 38-42, 1186 words

Yep. This will have the entire updated story, with most of it grayed out. Just change everything to a regular text color to read the whole thing. Thanks!

I'd like to do one more read-through on Monday on the problematic parts of this novelette

Thanks @shatteredsmooth! I did some first edits last night to show L as more of a person than a stereotype. The toys and childlike aspersions are gone, as are many of the Hollywood autism symptoms. Hopefully I'm heading in the right direction.. Good point. I think I'm going to stick with autism, as that will be easier to recognize in a shorter work--assuming I can get it right. Thanks so much to you and @industrialistDragon and @kais for calling me out on this. I'm learning a lot, and if it's alright, I'd like to run the more problematic sections by you one more time to see if I've taken out all the offensive material. If it just doesn't work, I'll have to change L's character away from that. Thanks for pinning down where the reaction was flat. I'm planning to work on this section today.

@kais Great information! I'll have to check those out. Of course, I've tasked myself to get this novelette out by mid February, so we'll see how far I get...

@industrialistDragon, that's sort of the impression I got as well. The show has to dig into him being autistic because that's the premise, and that develops him as a person, but then when it does so, it makes him a caricature of sorts to play against the neurotypical people on the show.

Thanks for the comments, @industrialistDragon. That helps a lot with pinpointing what I need to change. I was definitely going for the neuroatypical being the normal for their gender but obviously missed the mark. I'll do some more research (thanks for the links) and take another stab at it. Out of curiosity: my spouse has been watching "The Good Doctor" lately. Are you familiar with the show and do you think it has a bad or good treatment of autism? It's not where I got the idea from, but it's been on in the background while I was writing occasionally, and I think some things seeped into my brain.

Thanks so much @kais! I was going for autistic-like tendencies (brain wired differently) more than what we would recognize in humans, so I think cutting back to Sensory Processing Disorder would work a lot better.

Good thought. I'll work on this especially to mirror the first part more. Yes! Hopefully it came across alright. That's the tradeoff for the males--they're all on the spectrum, but are very good at organization and scheduling tasks. Ugh. This is actually bulked up from what I first wrote. I'll give it another go. Warriors if the other mother takes over. If the engineer mother grows a new organ it will depend on her temperament at the time. I'll see if I can highlight this a little more. The others all know exactly how much time it will take for the mother to convert the warrior to their side. I'll try to bring this out more. She's naturally tapping into what the Symphony does, though she's not a majus. I've had this aspect floating around for a while and finally got to use it! Yeah...not sure. This came out as I was writing and I decided to keep it since it makes the culture a little more alien. I'll see what everyone says. Thanks @kais!

We're getting more into the plot. I'm glad M finally showed up, and I like the twist with her. However, I had some problems with the complexity of the plan and with the worldbuilding. Worldbuilding: I really like the dragons as beasts of burden, but everything you show about them makes it clear they are a terrible choice, especially when the colony evidently has pigs, and maybe other mammals. Either you could hang a lantern on it, or maybe change it? That whole section pops me out of the story. Plot: I didn't really understand the whole glassblowing ritual. I think it's the same problem as the dragons. I'm missing some piece of why this is a thing. We've mostly seen tech, and now this magic pops up without much explanation. I like the characters in this a lot, however. The whole discussion in the carriage is good, though if you're looking for places to trim, you might be able to take some of the traveling time out and get them to the dock sooner. Looking forward to the rest! Notes while reading pg 1: I like that the maybe princess is also a glassblower. pg 2: The timescale of the dream works better. I still think you could deliver quite a bit of information in 30 second bursts over 20 years, but I'm willing to suspend disbelief for this. pg 2: I do think O could have a better reason for turning down M's proposal. Xie doesn't really have anything to lose if xie accepts, and also gets to sell at the larger market. pg 2: "branchwood" is sort of a weird name for a wood. Sounds redundant. pg 3: “Do you care? Okay I mean, clearly you do, but should you?” --I'm more interested in why O cares so much. pg 3: “You and I worked for rich people long enough already." --they did? Was this mentioned before, or is it WRS? pg 4: "We travel out of End, which opted against figurehead royalty during colonization " --Aha...this gives some explanation. I think you buried the lede here. pg 4: “Yeah fine. You’re not wrong.” --ok, then O capitulates rather easily. pg 5: do the dragons routinely eat people? That seems like there would be a lot of legal problems. I'm wondering why the two are so convinced they'll be eaten. pg 6: "One of the soiled dragons went down under a powerful jaw" --Really? And they're still used to pull carts? I would think they would find some alternative...I mean, we know they have pigs at least. pg 7: I'm not sure juice poured over pig droppings would accomplish much? pg 8: good end to the chapter pg 9: "from the grass and juice" --grass? pg 10: "had also almost been eaten by dragons" --which were the ones tied to the coach M came in. Again, if you can't even pick someone up without potentially getting them eaten, it might be better to walk... I like the humor of the situation, but it's popping me out of the story too much. pg 10: "how many hours had they spent together overall?" --mathing...about 60 pg 11: "Wait, you share your mind with a princess? It’s not just me?” --lol. Nice twist. pg 12: “You know, that’s really a grey area if you think about it.” --ok, starting to like M more pg 14: This picks up a lot once they can have a conversation. pg 16: "I need a bigger flame to make the tube" --I have no idea what's going on in this paragraph. pg 17: "It indicated disastrous consequences for the person inside " --I'm still not sure what's going on. I assume they're talking about how to perform the ritual, but it feels like I missed an explanation at the beginning. pg 19: "we have crash the coronation to even get access to the fire" --I think I missed something else here? What's so special about a flame? Wouldn't M be able to make the right kind of flame if she's a glassblower? pg 20: Intrigued by O's idea, but I'm having trouble with the complexity of the plot.

Hello again, and once again apologies for the length on this. I of course added some words to the second half with revisions, so it's now a whopping 5900 words. I have included the entire story in the submission, with the first section grayed out. If you scroll down to the big headline text that says READ FROM HERE, that's the starting point for the new stuff. If anyone wants to take a look at the changes I made in the first part to address O's and the Council's motivations, and O helping in the first battle, those changes are on pages 1-4 and page 11. You definitely don't need to read this if you don't want to, but if you do have any comments I would be eternally grateful! Same questions as last time: -Is it enjoyable? -Is the magic system and worldbuilding clear? -Are the characters engaging? -Does the story make sense? -Anything else you think of (even down to grammar and line edits, if you want. I'm not picky.) with the added question of: -Is the end of the story satisfying? Are there any promises you don't think I fulfilled?

Once again running (very) long for next week at around 5900 words. Hopefully no one minds terribly much as I think we only have two people submitting?

I'd like to submit again on the 4th. Apologies in advance for the length, but this will be the end of the novelette. I should have a revamped Seed sequel in a few weeks!

Thanks @industrialistDragon! Interesting take. I think I've fixed the problems with the Council, but not the basic question of why O is there in the first place. I mean, on the good side, this is what I intended for his character, so I think I've got that. But some readers have problems with connecting with him. He's supposed to be putting his foot in a problem that's not his own, and deciding he can fix another species' problem because he's that arrogant. I'll have to ponder on how I can show that in the first few paragraphs.