Mandamon

I really like this. The flow of this story I think is one of your best yet. I think E is a very compelling character. She (they?) has a compelling reason for what she does, but is not too likeable. The "Competence" and "Protagging" sliders are high enough to compensate for it. I have to disagree with this. I think it's necessary to make E's gender-nonconformity very clear. I also didn't have as much of a problem with infodumping as @Severian4Scadrial, but it did slow the pace of the story a bit. I think it you took a little away from the worldbuilding (as much as I like it) in this section and added a touch more emotional reaction from E to T, then the ending would have even more of a punch. Right now it's really good, but I think that last line could be an absolute punch to the gut. Right now it's close, but it could be bigger. Notes while reading: pg 2: "There wouldn’t be a lot of use for sentry work if your sentry died each time you sent her out." --lol pg 3: "Like Earth’s shadow didn’t oppress us hundreds of light years away" --I didn't quite get this metaphor(?). Earth's specter maybe? Or Earth's memory? pg 3: “Still, you know what they say about the dunes.” --what do they say? I feel like I'm missing the pun. Also, this is spaced out a bit from the last dialogue, so I had to go back and see how it connected to this sentence. pg 5: "I heard N’s hologram click from existence " --This is a really cool twist, but also I was confused. Was Nadia a hologram the whole time? I though she was physically there. What was the cyclone that spun up to E? pg 5: "not bothering to answer my sister" --ok, now really confused. What was the hologram, and is N still standing there? pg 7: Very cool worldbuilding setup for the planet. So there are other colonies that are doing better then? I had the impression that this was all that was left of the human race. pg 8: love the beetles. pg 10: "and a nice work scrolled across the faceshield" --lol. I would hate those suits. pg 11: "some rare fungus that Queen would never know." --I see what you did there... pg 14: Nice ending.

Welcome to Reading Excuses! First off, it always takes courage to put something out in front of people, so well done! Developing a thick skin is useful in relation to critiques. We're all here to help, so although most of my comments here are negative, I'm noting the places where I think you can make it a better story--hopefully it will help you out. Here goes. Overall, there are bones of some good character interactions in here, but I think it needs some more development before it gets there. I don't really know anything about the plot yet. To your questions: a) I have to say, I'm not really interested yet, simply because I have no idea what's going on. Some people are discussing religions I'm not familiar with in a bar, and then some of the people go on a walk to their inn afterward and talk about magic. There's nothing really to hook me in yet. b ) The characters are not really unique so far, except for Ranar, as he asks a bunch of pointed questions. I don't know anything about the two other characters in the first part, except that they have different religions. If you include some descriptions with the characters or something else to tie them to a certain feature, it would be easier to remember them. c) I'm not really sure why this is a question. Is the city going to play a big part in the story? Right now all I know is that it has bars and inns, which isn't anything unique. also, there's quite a bit of grammar and sentence structure problems. This could probably go through another read through. Notes while reading pg 1: The sixth paragraph is pretty awkward, and is also the first hint of any action. "flared his temper as if it had a will of its own" --I'm not really sure what this means. "last comment was a well-traveled path the ruts so deep they were leading like reins" --Also not really sure what this means. especially why it would anger him if it's a common comment? End of page 1: I guess there's a religious debate in the city? And not a lot of people leave? I'm not really sure what's going on yet. pg 2: "bursted in anger" --"bursted" isn't a word. pg 3: "His name is - don’t smile" --Is his name supposed to be funny? I think I missed it. --edit: okay, you do start to explain this, but then never actually say what it means. I feel like I'm still missing a joke. End of page 3: There's a break here, and I think you're changing POVs, but I don't really know which character is which. There aren't a lot of descriptors for the characters except that one of them has a beard, and now I can't remember who it is. Maybe Ranar? Pg 4: I guess the joke is that Atu's name means peace? Still don't get it. pg 5: "Or maybe a rock" --I had to read this several times. Do you mean "rook," the chess piece? pg 6: the banter about healing is pretty good, but at this point I'm not sure where any of this is going.

This is an interesting read, but I felt there were two points that made me pop out of the story: 1) There's not a lot of description of the "caddy" or what it does. Is it supposed to carry luggage? Is it a taxi? What's the deal with all the pipes on the back? I think one solid description of what it does and how it works would ground me better. 2) What is the MC doing? The story is about them triggering E's trap, but I'm not sure what it is or how the MC is trained for it. Is he just stealing the luggage? Is he people trafficking? I would guess the latter. But who is the MC and why is this a reasonable diversion before they go off to catch the slaver? You mention that they didn't have to tell the chief the plan changed, but it didn't really. They are still on their way. I think I just need a little bit more about the world to understand why this side trip is important vs. the one that the MC is supposed to be on.

Well, despite the warning I read this on Christmas. Nothing too bad for me, though I'll agree it doesn't really fit with the season ;-) Overall, I was mostly confused while reading this. It took more than half the story to land on what was actually going to happen, and then it felt very unfinished at the end. Your spoiler iterations clear some of this up, but it wasn't in the story, so that won't really help while reading it. If you can somehow incorporate it into the story, it might work better. To your questions: 1) Confused during most of the story. I did understand what happened at the end, but I thought it ended abruptly (and yes, I know it's hard to continue after that point...). It also took a long time to get started, and I feel that space could be better used to explain some of the things I was confused about. 2) I did like the twist, however it came after slogging through a lot of technobabble, so it wasn't as rewarding as it could be. I think if the rest of this was cleaned up, it could be a very interesting story. Time travel has been done a lot, but this had some fresh things in it. Notes while reading pg 2: no idea what's going on in the second paragraph. in fact, most of this page is hard to follow. pg 3: "but I had to figure out ways to remove the gravitational and electromagnetic constants once they stopped applying.” --seems like there needs to be something else at the end of this sentence. pg 3: “I mean, sure I’ll throw you the notes, but good luck with that.” --luck with what? The sentences seem purposefully vague. end of pg 4: I was hooked when one guy said he solved time travel, but then they've been blathering on for 3 pages. Starting to lose interest . pg 5: “My heedless-of-consequences almost-girlfriend is attempting to abuse her relationship with me and my relationship with you to filch your time travel notes, yes." --what? we haven't heard anything about this until now. This is more interesting that the technobabble, but there's no buildup. Is Dr. C the girlfriend? pg 6: “I’m going to test the Grandfather Paradox.” --this is jumping all over te place pg 10: this seems to have landed on the grandfather paradox as the plot. There's a lot of extra incomprehensible stuff attached to it, though. This could be pared down a lot to make more sense. pg 11: "It took me two days to get out of the caves." --I guess he's traveled in time, then. pg 11: "for losing the present-day bet that they couldn’t." --there's a lot of these strange, unfinished sentences in the story. pg 11: "The first was accomplished a slight jab into her" --awkward sentence pg 12: "that was caused by the jab." You could probably just say this outright when it happens. pg 12: "A dead woman, from cardiac arrest." --yeesh. He is nuts. pg 13: “Yes, well.” Kay shrugged. “Sometimes I say things that I don’t really mean, you know? I mean, who pays attention to everything around them?” --I have no idea what's going on. pg 15: “No can do.” Kay sighed and sat down next to me. “Sorry, gramps. But that’s a good ol’ heart attack. Or cardiac arrest. But I’d hate to die alone, so I’ll just keep you company.” --ha, ok, good twist pg 15: "Grandma was first, and I just took over for her until I could get you. So two down. Two to go.” --don't know what this means. (Edit: here is a good place to explain some of those iterations...)

I can see why you're having trouble with this. I think the story concept is good, but there's something about the execution. I also assumed A was a he, which was prejudice on my part, as this came near the end and I've been here long enough to know better. However, since many people will automatically bias that way anyway, why not just call out that A is nb, or female, or whatever gender? Then it's clear. Yeah, I think one of the problems I had in general was motivation. As @aeromancer said, we don't know how the weres work, so we don't know if they are violent or not. Several people randomly accuse others of wrongs, when they're not really the person who can do anything about it. Then the one person who has done something wrong--the neighbor--gets a sympathetic ending. As I said below, we get to the crux of the story rather late, and I wasn't really sure where things were going for the first half. You may be able to cut several of the first scenes and replace with more worldbuilding about the weres. I'm prescribing at this point, but maybe something like an attack between a were and a person, but then proof the person was the one who started it? This could tie into the attacks around the neighborhood. That is, after all, E's motivation for his wrongdoing, and giving us a glimpse of the attacks will help set up why he's covering things up. Did he kill someone? A pet? Cause property damage? I think the jail discussion was perfect. If you can bring out that emotion through the rest of the story I think it will work a lot better. Notes while reading: pg 1: This starts with a person with a dog they love/hate and nosy neighbors...I"m sensing a theme in your work. pg 2: "from across the round high top wearing a plaid button up shirt." --This sounds like the high top (whatever that is) is wearing a shirt. pg 4: 'I didn’t see you when I came in or I would’ve said hello" --wait, what? I'm not sure I know what's going on. pg 4: "Perspective students were lined up" --There's now been two scene cuts and I'm not sure what's happening. M might be a werewolf maybe? Or is just grumpy? pg 4: "sets foot" -> "set foot" pg 5: "nearly tore a whole" -> "nearly tore a hole" pg 5: "“You’re mean,” she said. “Welcome to reality,” --at this point, I'm sort of with the girl. I'm not sure what's making M angry. pg 6: "finishes reading" -> "finished reading" pg 6: "It was inability to control her anxious temper, and failure to afford her anxiety medication thanks to the government’s reversal of health care reform." --ok, here's something that finally explains part of what's going on, but it's not a big enough hook to draw me in, and it's 6 pages in. pg 7: "who hadn’t really done anything wrong" --except eat her favorite cookies she just bought? I mean this out everything that's happened would make me the most angry... pg 7: "realizing she nipped back a little too hard," --yeaaaahh...I'm sort of confused by M. pg 8: "She went around the other side of the house where Eddy couldn’t see" --Ooooh...Eddy is the neighbor. I completely missed that in the second scene. Probably my fault. pg 8: “Thank God we aren’t weres,” --This is sort of hanging like Checkov's gun on the mantle, but this is almost halfway through the story. This plus the title is making me confused. pg 10: “If you really care, find a way to help,” I agree with the sentiment, but the whole conversation seems very strained. It sounds like the girl is accusing M of bringing this new law to pass. pg 10: "so when M pulled up into her tiny, crushed stone excuse of a driveway and shingled cottage, she was in a good mood." --Eh? Is this sarcastic? pg 16: The discussion with T is very good and I think gets to the heart of the issue. But it's almost at the end of the story. pg 17: E being the were was surprising yet inevitable, but I also think I hated every one of the characters in this story, except for T and the girl with the wristband...

I think it would work a lot better to age S down and make her an apprentice, or a new master. I really like the idea of a mature female protagonist, but unless she is not in control of things, it's really hard to get enough tension.

This is definitely improving! D gives a good counterpoint to S, and gives us another perspective on the society. I'm not totally hooked on the story yet, but more hooked than last time. To your main questions: 1) My main problem is still with S. She's fairly interesting, but does not at all seem like a leader of people or an experienced practitioner. I don't think you give her age anywhere, but if she was the youngest master, or very precocious, I might buy that explanation. There's a problem as well with having a senior leader as a POV character--they can just give the task to someone else. D, on the other hand, is a good developing character. We haven't really seen enough yet to know what he's doing, however. 2) I didn't have a problem with the pacing. If anything, it slowed down in S's POV once she left the murder scene. Notes while reading: pg 1: "The sight was sickening." --This is either unneeded, because of the description on the previous line, or expand it to show what S. is feeling. pg 1: "and not to be dealt with" --passive and vague . Something like "could never be held by one person or X terrible thing would happen" is a lot more specific. pg 1/2: S still comes across as young. If she's a master of something, I'm assuming she has years of experience with dealing with hardship and death. Her actions with T. come across as an apprentice grieving for a mentor pg 2: "Crack" --I'm not a big fan of this capitalization, since it's a common word. Does it need to be? pg 3: "ready for her next task" --why is this her task? Is there anyone else who could help? Is she even suited for it? pg 3: "His feet were burnt and blistered from the hot sand, his skin raw from the constant blasting sand, and his shoulders were sore from carrying the weight of the pouch of sand. However he still had all of the bags of sand," --four repetitions of "sand" and two references to the pouch it's in. "He crawled against the side of a sand dune, dragging his pouch of sand bags." --and again... pg 3: "The sun was high in the sky, right above D." --take out the last part--it's obvious. pg 5: "Something was driving him forward. He barely noticed the weight of the sand bags anymore." --So he just decided he's not tired anymore and suddenly he isn't? pg 5: "But now the Beast was here, inside the Circle --strange capitalization pg 6: "It had a pointed head attached to a bulbous body, with eight massive legs protruding from it." --can we get a slightly more exciting description of the creature bearing down on him? pg 6: "Why couldn’t the Sand Lords have made N. out of something other than sand?" --funny, but this sort of thing ages S. down. pg 7: "Aides" --doesn't need to be capitalized. pg 8: The bit about getting dress drags down the tension. pg 10: "but as the danger seemed to fade" --what danger? Is there a larger problem we're not aware of? pg 10: "S didn’t remember the rest of the meeting" --really? There was probably some important information in there... pg 11: Is D. dead and seeing things as a ghost? How is he in the air? Is this a dream? pg 12: ok, I think this is a dream, but not really sure what's going on. pg 14: "Right, my leg" --I would think the terrible pain would keep him aware of this...

This half did have some more action, and generally things connected and flowed, save where I made notes below. However, like @industrialistDragon, I'm not empathizing with any of the crew. Overall, the job is too easy, and they're stealing this manuscript and killing a pretty dumb, but generally harmless guy to get it. Do we ever get a reason? I'd love to see something bad, or even just a setback, happen to one of the crew to give this a little more tension. Notes while reading: pg 1: "I couldn’t have done it, obviously because I’m here.” , “I’m willing to bet you’re only here to have an alibi.” --all this is fairly obvious. pg 2: “Well played. It seems you’ve won against the thief.” --Lord E still seems pretty dumb. He's claiming whatever he can, no matter how it works with the evidence. It makes following all this a little confusing. pg 3: "Finally, after minutes that seemed to be hours" --they just stood there for minutes? pg 3: "Always prepare for the worse" -> "Always prepare for the worst" pg 4: "Am I really that predictable?” --sort of. pg 4: "but they were just jeweled objects, no actual history behind them" --eh? Some of the most stories artifacts in our world are jewels. I guess these people don't like shiny things? pg 6: "But I cannot simply reveal my hiding place. If you could leave, I shall be with you shortly" --wait, didn't he bring A here to show him the manuscript? pg 6: “Calm yourself.” “Wait, what does he want?” --Lord E once again proving denser than stone. pg 7: “Twelve – that’s a designation, isn’t it?" --why do these people keep insisting on giving away any disguise they have? pg 8: "Stanford, at your service, occasionally known as Six." --seriously? Why not give out his address and phone number, too? pg 8: "I don’t have it. You came too early, fool!" --getting more annoyed by Lord E. pg 9: "What was the point of undergoing your ridiculous training if this is going to happen to me.” --huh? Maybe do better next time? Or have the obviously better person at climbing do it? A doesn't seem the type to blame training on his own inadequacy. pg 10: “We got lucky that the manuscript was here.” --This seems a very poor plan. pg 10: "I take it this means that he wasn’t willing to cooperate with us?” --is he talking about Lord E? or J? pg 11: "“I apologize for bringing an abrupt end to this evening’s meeting" --what were all these people doing while E was goofing off with A? He's also explaining a whole lot, and confirming his security is not foolproof to the people buying from him pg 12: "we can’t let it be known that we were the ones who stole the manuscript." "From there – the solution is obvious.” --I'm still not getting what they're doing. pg 13: “What you do not feel is iocane extract. " --Lol. If only he'd spent years building up an immunity... pg 13: "Julius was in the crowd tonight, but that was out of disguise" --what? pg 14: You can't see it, but I'm squinting my eyes at J's explanation pg 14: "You decided to inform the whole underworld of something that needs to be kept secret from the public." --ok, I'll give him that. Lord E is a dumb as a bag of rocks. pg 16: "reclaim that which was took" -> "reclaim that which was taken" --also, introducing a new magic system on the last page of a short story is perhaps not the right place. pg 17: Hmmm...I don't know if having Dark Eye be there is really necessary. The heist is done when they get out of the tunnel. I don't care about the secret boss.

Agree. We're here for the heist, and too much buildup takes away from it. Also agree! This reads even better than the last one. I would say you can probably keep some of the information before pg 11, but there are a lot of asides for infodumps scattered throughout. They could probably be cut down quite a bit and still get the same information across. I wasn't as bothered by the POV switches as the others were, but you could easily limit it to J and A. I don't think the others are really necessary. E's intro is largely infodump. There are some technical plot problems that popped out to me. I've noted them below. Perhaps some of them are tied up in the second session, so I'm eager to find out! Notes while reading: pg 1: "matters of his clothes, his cups" --his cups were expensive? Do you mean his choice in alcohol? pg 1: you've lost me in the second parapraph. All this is a dry infodump on someone we don't care about. pg 1: paragraph 3 is the start of the story. It shows most of what was told in the first two paragraphs... pg 3: I guess E isn't as familiar with wine as he thought? pg 5: “Is that so?” A. gave an eerie smile. A sudden chill went down Lord E's spine. “I have heard quite differently.” --E is getting less and less competent as the story progresses. A was said to be bad at social interaction, but he trips up the lord who's been involved in sketchy business for years? pg 5: "The book A. was asking about was indeed..." --There's a lot of extra words here. I got the gist of the book very quickly. pg 5: "Perhaps our usual arrangement would suffice…?” --This backs up the comment above. They've done this dance before, so why would E. be cautious about A knowing of illegal books in his library? pg 7: "sneak his dark figure" --Sounds like he's sneaking a dark mannequin. pg 7: "G. stabbed the top" --I don't think you can stab glass, even with a diamond knife. pg 7: "The thief fell twenty feet." --this seems...extremely problematic, and very likely to break bones, even if he goes into a roll. pg 9: "The layout was gotten for him previously " --awkward pg 10: the confrontation between J and E is pretty blatant, especially in front of a room of people used to shady dealings. Calling J out like that would probably lose E customers... pg 11: "not quite worth the asking price at all." --Really? I guess he doesn't care what he makes off the auction? pg 11: "he was quite glad his wine had been correctly identified. At least one team member was in place." --okaaaay...this is a very complex explanation, but I'm willing to read on. pg 11: "will be randomly given to someone in the audience." --Ok, there is an explanation for this, but the auction rules keep getting stranger... pg 11: I'm wondering if J is driving up the prices just for fun, or if there's a reason. pg 13: "someone with a left black eye and a right blue one. It was an odd look..." --We already know A knows J. This is unnecessary. pg 13: "That seemed a bit low for the final item, but nothing else could command the price" --This seems inconsistent. It's not the final item, so we don't know what it's worth. But E seems to think J has gotten a good deal. So something else can command the price? pg 13: "the item will command a price of..." --Why is E revealing this? Won't think make people underbid to get a good deal? pg 15: "it’s something that you’ve never heard of" ... "So it seems that it wasn’t a myth." --Some more inconsistencies. A said one of the things he'd heard of was a myth, so why does E assume that isn't the thing he's auctioning? pg 15: "as would benefit a scholar" --unneeded. pg 15: "and I shall retire with the money made from the sale" --uh, yeah, he really shouldn't have stated the expected price, then. pg 15-16: I have some problems with the "gotcha" moment here. First, E should be well aware of the technical niggling J is doing, if he's adept at all about auctioning illegal items. Second, J's accusation comes out of nowhere. We don't know he's an agent beforehand, so it feels like a deus-ex-machina. Third, why ever would J just give away that the item has been stolen, and give away the thief's name??

Getting on any panel will be fun. I was on three at the last WorldCon. As long as you generally know about the topic, and provide some entertainment while not hogging other presenters' time, you'll be fine.

This ties in a lot to what I'm talking about below. If this is going to be more M's story, then I think the setup and the conversation with E fits better. It just wasn't jiving with my impressions the story the first time around. The world is clearer, certainly, but you might need to separate the information out a bit more. Right now it's all clumped at the beginning. Notes while reading: pg 1: "Most people called her M." --I like the intro to the world, but it's a bit of an infodump. We don't get a good hook into character until this sentence, but it's a non-sequitor, coming after everything else. pg 2: "the steering where" -> "the steering wheel" pg 2: The whole first section is very infodumpy. If this is intended to be a companion for the book, I can see how it would be a reminder of events, but here it just reads as off. Depends on who you intend the audience to be. No other real issues technically, but unless E. is going to be a player in the rest of the story, having a chapter than focuses so much on them with M might be misleading. It ties into the book nicely, which leads to the same question of whether this is supposed to be read only by those who've read the book, or who are going to read the book. It's a good setup for M wanting to act, thus the rest of the story, but we don't see anything from B's POV, except for a few stray thoughts at the end. I'll have to see more of what you've changed. It does get me into the world better than last time, at maybe the cost of infodumping.

Holy crap that was long...

Same here. I got mine last night, so I'm going to look at it today.

I had a bit of trouble getting into this section, but I think that's more on WRS than on any fault of the writing. There is a bit of a disconnect between the end of the last section and the jump to this one, so if there's a break in reading, it would be easy to get confused. I think my main concern is that this is the real meat of the character arc for the book and it's basically just a crib from the movie. B goes through the same realization Jimmy Stewart's character does, so it seems like the impact is lessened because we already live this this story as a part of our culture. I'm also not sure what else needs to be said after this section. It reads as the end of the story to me. B wraps it up pretty well at the end, and as a reader, I'm convinced they won't be any danger to themself, at least for now. Notes while reading. pg 1: "This place looked exactly like Mary’s Eats did before it got renovated" --But then you say B. is in Mary's Eats. Why is this a surprise? pg 1: "Was this some kind of nightmare?" --I am similarly confused. pg 2: "That ruled out time travel." --yeah, I have no idea what's going on. Probably half due to WRS, since it's been a few weeks and I don't remember the end of the last chapter. --edit: ah, you give a recap next sentence. Good. But I'm still not sure what's going on. pg 2: “That store closed a decade ago." --oh yeah, now I remember. We're doing the "It's a wonderful life" thing with VR. Back on board. pg 3: "If I drank all the tea" --I think this sentence reads correctly. pg 4: interesting test of whether it's a dream... pg 4: "the town forest" --is this a thing? "Instead of selling the land to the town, my grandfather kept it" --Ah. Was this explained before? pg 6: also forgetting who J. is. Is she one of the neighbors? pg 8: "My death date was three days after my birthdate." --So this is pretty much an exact rip-off of the movie? Would B. Recognize the pattern? The rest of it reads well. I assume M and M unhooked B from whatever they did to them between the two chapters. This is not the end? Because it comes to a pretty definite conclusion.

I flipped it around a bit to be more active. How does this sound? "A writing support group for all genres and skill levels of writers. Trade critiques with others who intend their work for publication. Beginners encouraged." One note--how much are we for all genres? Most here are primarily SFF. I mean, I will critique anything, but I prefer SFF.

Similar comments and concerns to @kais on this one. It's a lot better, but still drags. This is definitely in my demographic, and I also thought the numbers weighed down the story. And if I'm not the demographic, then who is? few people will enjoy a story that doesn't have a good/climactic ending. This is the heart of the story, and I think it needs to be brought out more. it has nothing to do with the actual rules, since they're both cheating. So show us instead their emotions and how they're going to one-up each other. I'd read the heck out of that. Original writeup... Overall, this is a lot better than the first version, and you've got some good emotional tags with the game, but the whole thing runs long. It could probalby be cut down to half or 3/4 of it's length and still achieve the same effect. Also, are you planning to tie this in with something else? I like that there is visible worldbuilding in the background, but there might be a few too many calls to something outside the story. It makes me wonder more about those things and if they're more interesting than this story. Last, I'd really get rid of all the numbers, or all but a couple. I don't really care what the numbers are, as I don't understand the game. I had no idea what happened when they rolled at the end, but you got the point across that the lady cheated, and J found her out. You could do that with taking out all the numbers, and just show the dice roll where she influenced it. Then the story is shorter and snappier, but we still get the same emotional impact. This same thing happens in most of the story. I still enjoyed it, and kept reading it, but if I came across this story "int the wild" I'd probably skim through the rest of it once I got to all the game description. Notes while reading pg 2: "Ah, a lost" --loss? pg 3: This intro is a little long for a short story. It could be cut down to get to the inciting incident sooner. pg 4: "what his foe had maneuvered him into doing" --technically true, but this is kind of weak, and makes me like N even less than I already did. pg 5: "But you’ve already lost the riddle game" --huh? He has? pg 5: "shown a violent shale of pale blue" --I have several problems with this statement. Can blue be violent? Do his eyes change color? If not, then do his eyes always look violent? pg 7: ‘The single tense of ‘agents on assignment’ is ‘dead man with no backup’ --cool line pg 8: "The tale of a fee was fiction, the emblem was what counted" --why? Are they and the concierge both in on it? Why this facade when there's no one else around? pg 9: "falling to the floor to regain her balance" --that's...not how you regain your balance... pg 9: "not make that" --now pg 10: I like the banter, but I'm not really sure what's going on, and I'm almost halfway in. pg 11: "turning his two blue eyes to his natural heterochromatic mix of blue and black" --Is this where the violent blue eye comes from? I'm assuming J is going to become N... pg 11: "Our job is to bait him.” --okay, but I'm still not sure of the objective of the story. pg 12: Wait, we're back in the first timeline now? There needs to be another ellipsis. pg: 12: "I would hang you, and then cut off your head" --okay, this explains why they said he lost, but why didn't they stop after the first riddle, then? pg 13: "My name is J" --so why all the pretense to start if he's just going to say who he is? pg 16: "Why is it that I got stuck with him" --I thought we were in J's POV? pg 16: Why were the dice appropriate? pg 17: lots of numbers in here that don't really matter to me. pg 18: I'm glad you cut the description of the games short, but I'm still skimming over the numbers you throw out to tell who wins. Can you describe the winning situation without using numbers but emotion, thus making it more exciting? pg 20-22: I'm basically skimming any description of numbers to get to the part where you show what it means for the players. That's the part that's interesting, and it's done pretty well, but diluted a lot by listing all the numbers. I think you could take them all out and get the same effect. pg 24: The ending is fine but I'd rather just hear the story rather than being taunted with it.

First off: interesting to read this now I'm almost finished with Power Surge. It's cool to see M from her POV. Overall, this certainly had less of the other worldbuilding aspects creeping in than the first part. The first few pages could probably be slimmed down. I wasn't really that interested until J showed up again at the end. Character-wise, I don't really believe the interaction between B and J. More details below. Plot-wise, the whole elaborate plan seems a little over-complicated. Couldn't M just telepathically transmit the new story into B's mind while they were out of it? Is all the VR stuff needed? Notes while reading pg 2: Between "Broady," "Baily," and "Brandy," I'm having trouble remembering who's who. pg 5: The meeting at the end of this section is missing something, but I'm not sure what. Maybe it's because there's not much explanation for why J is standing around outside the shop. It might also be WRS, because I didn't remember that B had been married until it was brought up. I don't think it's been a big issue, so this popping up was a little strange. The connection between them also seems off. I guess J came there to show off her new look, but B doesn't respond, then collapses after J leaves. I find B's love hard to believe, if they haven't even been thinking of her. pg 6: Soooo...M has succeeded in her task? --edit: reading into the next chapter, I guess not. pg 8: "The fact that after all that time, she hadn’t filed gave me hope" --Yeah, I think this needs to be much bigger if it's going to be a driving force. pg 10: Ok, now I'm just confused. How would such an elaborate deception by M keep B from committing suicide? pg 12: okay, the explanation of why helps some, but I still think there could have been a better way to handle that. pg 13: is Mi. misgendering B intentional?

Great points, @industrialistDragon. I've got a better idea on how to reorder this... I think I just need to combine POVs so there's only one for the first few chapters. Yep, as @Robinski says, this is a good way to put it. I'll work on clearing this up. This is, unfortunately, what I'm leaning toward as well. I was sort of thinking about having M and G pop up at the end of every few chapters and slowly build something throughout the book. It may be better to just give them a whole chapter here and there instead. Great comments from everyone! I think I may skip posting next week? Dunno. I have a con to sell books at this weekend, so I may not have time anyway.

Great comments as usual, @Robinski! R's always been more emotional where V is concerned. Though I think this leads into what the others have said. I think I'll need to separate each of the sections into a whole chapter, maybe attached to a later section. Or maybe this whole section will be cut and replaced by something else. Hmm...good points. Again, I thin I either need to expand this or cut it. I figure that out on the second draft. Good idea. I like moving it to the end of the section. Yes, probably. I'll have to figure something more plausible for their separation, or play up the secrecy aspect. This gives me a whole lot to think on, and will come in very handy when making edits. Thanks!

Ok--based on multiple feedback looks like I need to flesh out the early parts into separate chapters. Honestly, I'm not completely sure where I'm going with this plotline, but I really wanted M in this book. This will probably be subject to a lot of 2nd draft editing. Thanks! I'm glad I handled this well enough, based on you and @shatteredsmooth. I was a little concerned. I'm actually in the middle of taking a Writing the Other class on Trans and NB characters, so that's helped as well. Thanks @kais!

Thanks to @mrwizard70 and @shatteredsmooth! I think a lot of the confusion comes from this being book 2. I'd like to see if some of the others who have read the first book have the same confusion. correct K is supposed to be an AI, based on a previous personality. I think I can clean this up some more to be clear. The society is a little different. I think I need to put in some more explanation about this. Ha! Oh, that's terrible! I'll be sure to put in some more description... Interesting! It's actually more the opposite. You'll see in the next chapter. In any case, great comments about where you're getting confused. This will help me clarify these scenes.

Got it. I can work on this.

In general, I'm enjoying this. I've made lots of notes on LBLs, and blocking, etc, below. I like the parts with M more than with B, simply because M has a goal in mind. There's a couple places where B's story wavers, especially with the flashback at the end. Basically it seems like B's life is as crappy as possible, so I'm looking for something else to define them. This does feel like a standalone. The only part that seemed in part of a larger universe was all the talk about building weird tech with M and boyfriend. I'd keep the prologue. It defines the whole story. I think it could be the first chapter, though. Notes While Reading: pg 1: "My cousin, E, who didn’t know what I was, or that they were from a family of people who weren’t quite human, dreamed the future organically." --This sentence caught pulled me out as awkward. Probably needs to be two sentences. pg 1: "The other half was about strangers" --"were about strangers" --Much of this paragraph is confusing to me too. You don't give any definition to the strangers, and so the "they" of the strangers keps clashing with "they" of E. You might need some more description around here. pg 2: Good hook at the end of the chapter. As to the question of prologue or not, I like what this sets up, and as M. seems to be a main POV in the rest of the story, can it just be relabeled as chapter 1? edit: reading into the next chapter, I think it's necessary so the reader undrestands what M is doing. pg 3: "people’s thought’s" -> "people's thoughts", "pant’s pocket" -> "pants pocket" "They own pet store" -> "They a own pet store " pg 4: "I stepped out the door without saying bye" --M sort of did; they had an exchange signifying M was going out, in any case. pg 5: "ribs feel like they are" -> "ribs feel like they were" pg 6: "I squeezed his right arm, but he didn’t react. Had he been forgetful lately?" --Are these two things connected? Can he not feel his right arm for some reason? --oh, ok, it is relevant. pg 6: "I’d been to busy" -> "I’d been too busy " pg 6: "weren’t getting hear" -> "weren’t getting here" pg 7: There's nothing wrong with the description of the paramedic, but I'm wondering at the amount of detail. Why is B focused on this? pg 8: "arrived and broke my connection with B" --Why so the paramedics break the connection? Or do they just break M's concentration? pg 8: "a stroke" -> "stroke" pg 8: "flesh would" -> "flesh wound" pg 8: The second paragraph rephrases what M says in the first paragraph, so the description of why she can't heal the stroke could probably be combined with the original statement in some way. pg 8: "I didn’t have to back yet." --Something missing. pg 9: "a good mental health professionals" -> "a good mental health professional" pg 8/9: I'm not sure why M didn't go back to the car. M knew this wasn't the night, so why run all the way out to the bridge? pg 9: "his other grandchild (my cousin)," --parentheses are unecessary with the prologue. pg 10: "I tousled his hair. It was smooth, and even from a few feet away, and smelled like coconut. I never liked" --How did M tousle his hair from a few feet away? What does the smell have to do with the movie? This paragraph is pretty jumpy. pg 11: I'm not completely following the plan here. There's a lot of explanation, but it's all relatively vague and doesn't give me a good idea of what the plan is, thus doesn't have a really good punch at the end of the chapter. pg 12: "I curled my teeth around my lip" --Teeth don't curl (I hope). Maybe "I curled my lip under my teeth?" pg 13: "was in the stores future" -> "was in the store's future" pg 13: "I jammed my shovel into the snow scooping as much on the shovel as possible. Muscles in my back burn as I fling the snow as far as I can." -> "I jammed my shovel into the snow, scooping as much on the shovel as possible. Muscles in my back burned as I flung the snow as far as I could." pg 13: "snow blower was quieter, probably in neutral." --Do snow blowers have a "neutral?" pg 13: "one who is gifted with enough testosterone to be able to push" --I understand this is from B's POV...put just to be nitpicky, I don't think testosterone gives endurance... pg 14: "half the doctors words" -> "half the doctors' words" pg 14: "They waddle deeper into the woods. I whistle, and Gannon chases into snow " -> "They waddled deeper into the woods. I whistled, and Gannon chased into snow" pg 14: "If I were trying to control another one" --clearer to say "If I were trying to control one" pg 15: I was beginning to wonder about the snow blower since it was brought up so much, but you cap this section off nicely with the reason. pg 16: Is there a time jump here? Ah, yes there is. Took a moment for me to get it. pg 16: "I called afraid panic will drive him to the woods" -> "I called, afraid panic would drive him to the woods" pg 16: "paw wholes" -> "paw holes" pg 16: "Tide bound" -> "Tide bounded" pg 17: The flashback give some good character building for B, but does it need to be a flashback? There haven't been any others, and it seems out of place.

I'm the opposite. I love Sam and would love a whole book in his POV. I think he's a very compelling character. I've had several people express both these sentiments--hopefully that's the mark of a good character? At any rate, I'm not planning on making S "get better" any time soon, but the beginning of this book is definitely a regression, caused by anxiety over memory loss. I'm definitely looking for reaction on whether that's working or not, or whether I should tone it down. However, S is also going to be forced into some new stuff where he has to adapt. I'm just about to start writing that part, and I'm looking forward to it!

Hello all - Here is the second half of the first chapter, which in retrospect I could have just submitted last week. Oh well--probably good to have a tighter focus on the beginning anyway. This features two other POVs for this book, which I believe will have 5 total. This also references both the first book and a side novella, so if you haven't read those, let me know how confused you are. Anything/everything else is always appreciated, from character reactions, to description needed, to grammar and phrasing.